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Harry Kim is pretty, the type of clean-cut handsome that screams “too good for Tom.” Tom's not an idiot, so he saves the boy from a crafty Ferengi and keeps the flirting subtle. Against his better judgment, he finds himself fascinated by Harry, who’s terrifyingly smart and secretly sarcastic.
When the Caretaker sends them on a seventy-five year detour, Tom's the only one not grieving. As far as he’s concerned, he gets to avoid prison and pilot a starship instead. But when he spares a glance at Harry, leaning seriously over the operations console, he feels a sharp pang in his chest. It's familiar and new at the same time, and Tom closes his eyes against the emotion and thinks, damn.
***
Harry knew when he entered the Academy that one day Starfleet would ask him to sacrifice in the line of duty. He just didn’t think it would ask him so soon. It gets unbearable, the way he misses Libby, his parents, the smell of salt floating in from the Bay. He wakes some mornings and frowns at the silence, before remembering that his window and the birds that sing outside it are 75,000 light-years away.
The only thing that makes the ordeal manageable is Tom Paris. Tom has a million things shooting through his brain at once, and for some unfathomable reason he’s chosen to share them with Harry. Tom drags him on adventures Harry’d never dare alone, rearranges Harry’s life so that Tom is in the center of it, smiling brightly like it’s all Harry’s fault.
Harry’s under no illusions as to what this is. Tom’s attention span is only so long. Some day, another toy shinier than Harry will come along, and he’ll be left behind. But it’ll be okay. The way Harry sees it, Tom is on loan from another, more exciting life. When it’s time, Harry will have to give him back.
***
“And may I suggest, if this works, we petition the Federation Astronomical Committee to officially designate this the Harry Kim Wormhole,” Tom tells Janeway. He's bursting with pride. Harry is brilliant, Harry is amazing, and the whole universe should know it.
Harry's wormhole can't send them home, and Tom feels a guilty rush of relief. Because one day they will return to the Alpha Quadrant, and Starfleet will know about Harry. Ensign Kim will shoot to the top while Prisoner Paris sinks to the bottom, and Tom isn't willing to let the universe have Harry quite yet.
***
They make Harry leave without him. Harry stands by as Tom falls willingly into Lidell Ren’s trap. It’s like he’s outside of his body, and he watches numbly as his own jealousy rises up out of his chest. But Harry stands by Tom through it all. Then Tolen Ren is murdered, Tom is taken away, and all Harry can think is, they made me leave without him.
Harry only begins to calm down when he has Tom in sight again, by his side in the shuttlecraft. Tom’s flippant, an act Harry learned to see through long ago. “Someday it will be you, Harry,” he says. “You’ll meet her, and you’ll know it’s wrong from the first moment you see her, and you’ll know there’s nothing you can do about it.”
I already have, Harry thinks, tightening his hands on the controls. And I can’t get you out of my head.
***
When Harry disappears from the holodeck, Tom is unaffected. “I'm not willing to accept the fact that Harry and the others are gone for good,” he tells Janeway, and he believes it. They're going to be fine; why is everyone talking so morbidly? He pulls the Doctor's pigtails, annoys B’Elanna in Engineering, and only barely holds back an I told you so when they figure out three of the energy signatures are their people.
When he hears Harry’s voice over the comms, he locks himself in the turbolift and cries.
***
There are times when Tom’s laugh is too loud or his jokes are too forced. He acts irresponsibly or rudely, like he’s trying too hard to become the image of Tom Paris others have created. You are a being of value, Harry wants to say. You are worthy of praise. He wants to take the guilt Tom carries on his shoulders and see what Tom looks like without it.
Harry thinks he’d look beautiful.
***
A year passes. A year passes and they battle Kazons, escape a singularity’s event horizon, and fly into the body of a sentient nebula. They almost die a dozen times and they see wonders no one on Earth could have imagined. One quiet evening, when the walls in Tom's quarters start closing in on him, he goes in search of Harry. According to the computer, Harry's enjoying his weekly ration of holodeck time. By now, they’ve granted each other full access to each other’s programs, so Tom takes the turbolift to the holodeck and walks in.
Harry has recreated a California beach from his home town a couple hours north of San Francisco. He's sitting on the cliff overlooking the water, staring into the bright sunset. Tom sits next to him, letting the crisp breeze ruffle his hair. “What are you thinking about?” he asks Harry, watching how his face glows from the setting sun.
Harry doesn't speak for a while. “I've been thinking about Libby,” he says finally, and Tom's heart sinks. “And how I don't think about Libby anymore.”
Tom doesn’t say anything. Harry huffs a tiny laugh. “It's funny, it's like I can hear her so clearly. 'Listen Harry, there's no use crying over me. Seventy years is a long time to be unhappy. Be happy, get laid, and I’ll see you when I see you.’”
Tom grins. “She sounds like a remarkable woman.”
“She'd laugh at me so hard, you have no idea.”
“What for?”
Harry turns towards Tom, staring him in the eyes. “For giving up pining for something I can’t have just to pine for something I can’t have.”
Tom’s throat is dry. “Harry...”
Harry’s smile twists. “Don’t. It’s okay. You don’t need to say anything. I know--” Harry lets out a long breath and stands, stepping away from Tom. “--I know how you operate. God knows I’ve seen you play your game. And I can’t be that for you. I can’t be another--”
“There’s been no one,” Tom interrupts, heart pounding. Harry turns around, and Tom moves towards him. “No one for, for months, Harry. And there’s been offers, believe me, men and women and others, and all of them were very good-looking. But, as it turns out, none of them were you. So.”
Harry smiles. Tom smiles back. Because he’s right, Harry deserves the universe. He certainly deserves better than Tom. But the universe could never make Harry smile like that, so maybe it’s okay.
***
Harry changes his mind. That other, more exciting life will have to deal. Tom is his now, and Harry’s not giving him back.