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Loneliness.
It was a wonder how one could be surrounded by people and feel like an outcast, but Luna was familiar with that feeling. Perhaps it was not so much a wonder after all. Luna knew loneliness more intimately than anyone else. She knew jealousy, envy and anger, all of which had seeped so deeply into her cells that she could not imagine herself without them.
They were a part of her, as was the cutie mark on her hip or the wings on her back. Luna did not, could not, exist without jealousy, envy, anger and loneliness.
Outside her bedroom door, she heard the bustling of the servants. Outside her window, the sounds of this city – Canterlot, if she recalled correctly – reached her ears. Luna was surrounded by people and animals, but she felt so lonely.
Perhaps the Elements of Harmony had not been entirely successful, for why else would a part of Luna resent that young student and her friends? She should be overjoyed that her mind was clear again and that her dark powers were a thing of the past.
Luna’s eyes burned.
A thing of the past, just like her. Perhaps that’s why resentment fought for its place next to gratitude. As Nightmare Moon, she had not been concerned with the passage of time. She had had her goals and once she had succeeded, she would have create an Equestria after her mind.
This Equestria, however, was after Celestia’s mind, and Luna could not fathom where her place was supposed to be. Celestia had ruled alone for a millennium, why would the people need a Princess of the Night?
The flower crown the children of Ponyville had woven her after her transformation was beginning to wilt. In a fit of angry despair, Luna pushed it off the vanity. Why had they given her that crown? Their subjects had never liked Luna, had only ever adored her shining sister – oh.
Oh.
That was why. Her nails left indents in the metal surface of her vanity when she balled her hands to fists. Celestia had been present, that was why they had given Luna the flower crown. The people would never dare to disappoint their golden princess. Her sight blurred. Ah, she thought. It seems we have tears to shed again.
Stubbornly, she held them back. No tears would drip onto her vanity, not if she could prevent it. The people did not deserve her tears and Luna resented that those wretched tears were back. Perhaps we should see this as a sign of life. A confirmation that we are no longer the dried-up shell we used to be.
Luna did not know what to make of this. She straightened her back and caught her reflection in the mirror. Her jaw tensed and her gratitude shrank more under her resentment.
She looked like a child. How long has it been since she had worn that pale bob, since her hair had been flat like the people’s? Luna looked like a child, weak and pathetic while Celestia radiated with power and grace.
Luna hated it. How would anyone taker her serious? The Elements took too much of our power. It will take time to replenish what was taken from us.
A bell tolled, frightening Luna out of her thoughts. Dinnertime. Luna clutched the fabric of her skirt. She would dine with her sister tonight. Luna knew Celestia had been patient and had accepted her being recluse, but she had come to Luna personally and had almost shyly asked if they could dine together.
Moon and stars, give me strength. Luna swallowed and squared her shoulders. She gathered the fragments of her pride and courage and after a final look at the mirror, she went to the bedroom door and opened it. The two maids passing by froze, their eyes wide with fear and a small part of Luna revelled in it, while another wailed in despair. It was also then that she realised that she had forgotten the way to the dining room.
“Where is the dining room?”, she asked, the Royal Canterlot Voice echoing off the corridor. The maids screamed and dropped what they were carrying as they fled. “No, wait! You must tell us the way!”
Luna huffed but willed herself not to be discouraged. She approached a pair of guards. Their faces remained impassive – already an improvement. “Tell thy princess where the dining room is so we may dine with our sister.”
Granted, the guards did not flee, but they lowered they heads and trembled and perhaps Nightmare Moon was not fully vanquished, for the age-old anger welled up in her heart and Luna welcomed it like an old friend. It was better than to burst into tears.
The guard whimpered when Luna grabbed him by his arm, her eyes ablaze when she forced him to look at her. “What is the matter with thee? Just tell us where Celestia eats dinner, thou oaf! Then we shall be out of thy hair!”
And Luna received an answer. The guards babbled something – but she did not understand them. A small laugh escaped her, disbelieving and bordering on hysteric.
Of course. How could she have forgotten the language barrier? A thousand years had passed and neither party could understand each other. Celestia spoke the old tongue for some reason, but Luna remembered how she could not understand a word Celestia had exchanged with her student.
Luna also remembered bitterly how tenderly her sister had embraced Twilight Sparkle, and her mood soured further. It still irked her that her sister had embraced Twilight before turning her attention to Luna.
Her student had come before her sister. It stung and with a sneer, Luna let go of the guard and went back to her room, sitting down in the centre of her bed. What were we thinking? Celestia would probably prefer the company of her student over ours, Luna thought darkly. Yes, it must have been misguided sisterly duty which called her to invite us to dinner. We would send a letter to Twilight, but we do not speak this modern language. Oh well, Celestia will live. She has dined without us for a thousand years, after all.”
***
Celestia was fretting. The table was laden with Luna’s favourite meals, all prepared by Celestia herself. The small burn on her hand was itching, a reminder why Celestia did not like cooking and seldomly did so, but this was her sister and it was their first dinner together in over a thousand years.
Under the table, her leg was bouncing, yet as the minutes passed, her sister did not appear. With a sinking heart, Celestia was forced to accept that Luna would not come. Her shoulders slumped in disappointment.
Luna had not even deigned to inform her. Celestia had barely seen her sister the past days and had accepted that Her sister probably needed some space to arrive, but Luna had accepted Celestia’s invitation.
Forgive Celestia if she felt a bit slighted.
Whatever reason Luna might have for not attending dinner, she needed something to eat. Her horn glowed yellow as she magicked a tray to carry a selection of food to Luna’s chambers.
The guards bowed when Celestia walked past them and she acknowledged them with a nod. When she crossed paths with a maid, she was asked whether she should carry the tray for the princess.
“No thank you”, Celestia said with a smile. “I want to take this to my sister myself.”
To Celestia’s surprise, apprehension flittered over the maid’s face. Her heart plummeted to the ground, and she raced to her sister’s chambers. To an outsider, she might appear irrational, for the maid had not even spoken, but the apprehension on the maid’s face gave her a terrible sense of Deja-vu.
“They do not like us”, Luna whimpered, hiding behind her wings and Celestia laughed as she ruffled her little sister’s hair.
“Do not be ridiculous, Luna.”
Blinded by the haze of memories, Celestia could not breathe. Had she made another mistake? Had it been the wrong decision to give Luna her space when she had just returned from the moon, from being Nightmare Moon? What if her sister was hiding once again while her dark thoughts slowly corrupted her mind – no, Celestia could not think that.
What if the Elements did not fully scrape away the darkness?, her mind whispered. What if a remnant of her dark powers resided within her and the isolation fuelled it? Celestia would not survive losing Luna again so soon.
Not even her dear Twilight would be able to help her.
I would not lose Luna again for a millennium. The Elements of Harmony are alive and young – if anything were to happen, they could undo it, Celestia rationalised, but she still wanted to sob in relief when the door to Luna’s chambers appeared.
“Luna?”, Celestia asked and barged into the room, forgetting all propriety out of fear. The tray was placed onto the nearest surface, the plates and silverware clattering. Luna, still seated on the bed, jumped in surprise, her wings flaring open.
“What is the matter with thee?!”, she shrieked. “Barging in like that –“ Luna was stunned into silence when Celestia threw her arms around her. Her entire body exploded with a crawling sensation and she writhed in her sister’s embrace. “Let us go!”
Celestia’s hands flew to her ears and Luna teleported to the farthest corner of her room. She forced her trembling body to stand still.
“Do not touch us, Celestia”, she said harshly. “We have been alone for a thousand years with no touch but ours. Yours feels like fire, like a swarm of ants crawling all over my skin. Stay away from us.”
“I – I’m sorry, I was just-“, Celestia stopped herself and got off the bed. “I brought you dinner.”
“Dinner?” Luna’s eyes fell on the tray on one of her cabinets. Celestia folded her hands in front of her, fiddling with her thumbs.
“You didn’t come to the dining room and I thought, well, you should eat something”, she said almost shyly, “so I brought you food.”
“Tis our favourite.”
“Yes, it ah, might not be perfect. It’s been long since I cooked...”
Luna’s head whipped around, her brow furrowed. “Thou prepared this?”, she asked bemused. Celestia nodded. “Why? Thou hast never liked cooking – unless that has changed over the last years.”
“No, I still dislike it as much as I did back then.”
Luna looked lost, and Celestia’s heart broke that her sister could not comprehend that his would cook for her. Celestia breathed in and out before meeting her sister’s eyes.
“But this would have been our first dinner together since your return. I wanted to make you happy. I know you changed your mind about tonight, but I hope you still –“
“We wanted to come”, Luna interrupted. Her jaw worked and her fingers clawed at the fabric of her skirts. “We would have come.”
“Oh”, Celestia said. “Then why-“
“We do not know the way”, Luna said impatiently. “This castle is unfamiliar and the servants fear us.”
“Oh, Luna, why didn’t you say anything? They simply have to get used to you and I’m sure they would have answered your questions had you asked for the way.”
Luna smiled thinly. “We did ask. We did not understand. The tongue has changed, sister. We do not speak it. We do not understand.”
Celestia looked stunned. Her knees buckled and she sank onto the edge of the mattress. How had she allowed such a simple oversight to place obstacles in their lives? Of course Luna wouldn’t understand a word. Celestia only then realised that she spoke to Luna in the old tongue out of habit or instinct.
“I’m so sorry, Luna, I cannot believe I forgot about this! I will a tutor for you, I promise”, Celestia said and Luna grimaced at the thought, but she knew it was a necessity. If she was to participate in this era, she had to be able to communicate. Her eyes fell back onto the tray.
“Thou hast surprised us, truly”, she said softly. “We did not anticipate such thought and care.”
“Luna”, Celestia said brokenly. Her arms twitched to embrace her, but she remembered the violent reaction. “I always loved you, and still love you.”
But Luna was not appeased. The memory of Celestia embracing Twilight with such warmth and love made her stomach roil and she loathed her inability to endure that love and warmth directed at her.
Unworthy, her mind supplied. We are so rotten that it makes us flinch, like shadow flinches at light.
“Stop that”, Celestia said softly and Luna’s hand tensed when it was held gently. “Do not drift away in dark thoughts.” She licked her lips. “I am here, Luna. I know the past cannot be erased and the wounds will not heal overnight, but I want you to know that I am here, Luna. I – I want to be a better sister...but I already failed again.”
Celestia’s voice broke and the tears finally dropped down her cheeks. Luna watched as her sister broke down before hesitantly wrapping her wing around her.
“We confess that we...do not know how to console thee. However, we acknowledge that we could have reached out as well, but our emotions did not allow it.” Luna withdrew her wing and took a step back. “We were gone for a thousand years and returned to a world which is utterly unfamiliar. Whoever I knew is long rotten and thou hast brought me to a castle which is bright and confusing. Thy subject fear us. Thou hast to admit that our situation is overwhelming.”
“Our subjects, Luna”, Celestia corrected. “They might not see it now, but once you are acclimated, they will see –“
“Thou thinkest that, sister?”, Luna asked grimly. “They have never liked us and now they know we were Nightmare Moon – now they have even less reason to adore us.”
“And they know the Elements of Harmony freed you”, Celestia argued. “They saw you in Ponyville before I allowed Twilight to stay there.” Luna’s face was filled with doubt and Celestia took her hands between her own, careful to keep the touch light. “I am confident that when you are ready to meet our subjects, they will love you as much as I do.”
Luna still looked doubtful, but she did not argue further. She stared at their connected hands. “Thou hast always been an optimist, sister”, she said and pulled back. Celestia swallowed a sigh. Luna’s pessimism was not faith-instilling, and they were going in circles.
“Sister, why don’t you enjoy your dinner and we will start your tutoring tomorrow?”, Celestia proposed and walked over to the tray, reheating the food with her magic. “Is there anything particular you want to start with?”
“We believe it would be wisest to start with the modern tongue”, Luna said dryly, but summoned a plate with food. Celestia smiled.
“And I will overlook your manners.”
“Our manners are just fine!”
“They are ancient, Luna”, Celestia said gently. “We no longer use the Royal Canterlot Voice or the Royal We.”
Luna paled and for a moment, Celestia feared she might faint. The savagery! Luna could not believe her sister would degrade their status as princesses to the point of speaking like a commoner to their subjects.
“Luna?”, Celestia asked worriedly.
“Leave our presence”, Luna said hollowly. “What hast thou done? We are princesses, not low nobles who must speak commonly.”
“Sister, it isn’t healthy for our relationship to our subjects to stand out of reach. As their leaders, we must be present and approachable, not worshipped”, Celestia said quietly and winced under Luna’s cold glare.
“Thou hast never had a problem with being worshipped”, she said frostily. “We will not dishonour ourselves like thou hast done. Leave us be.”
Celestia bit her lower lip to stop it from trembling when her sister dismissed her so heartlessly. Still, hope was bright in her heart. Luna had been gone for a thousand years, her heart blackened by jealousy, envy and anger long before she had transformed into Nightmare Moon – of course she would need guidance back into her true self.
At least, that’s what Celestia hoped. Do not let us be estranged, sister, I beg you. “I…will take my leave, then.”
“…Stay. Thou hast laboured hard over this dinner. But do nor speak, for we are still angry with thee.”
Celestia could live with that for now. Luna placed the tray onto the table and began eating while her sister took a seat on the other end of the table. But Celestia was unable to hide that she hadn’t eaten yet and Luna glanced up when her stomach growled.
After a moment, Luna wordlessly pushed the tray towards Celestia, who was wise enough to accept it quietly. Though the room was dark and the silence heavy, Celestia was content.
To Luna’s surprise, there was a tentative, fragile happiness in her heart. The food was terrible: Some parts were overcooked, others burned or not cooked at all – and yet, it was the best food she had tasted in a long time.
And for the first time, she did not feel quite as lonely. Her eyes burned at the thought.