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It’s the smell of Casey’s aftershave that took Leo back.
Thick, rich, invading his nostrils, sharp, persistent, burning his eyes to the point of trickling tears. Raph protested at the scent, teasing quips. Casey complained that he’s trying to make an effort, unlike some smelly turtles. Raph’s exaggerated offended look made Casey laugh.
They didn’t notice Leo’s distress, how could he? Leo was so good at acting like everything was fine, when it really wasn’t. Now wasn’t the time for him to be not fine, he was their leader, their sensei, big brother and role model, he couldn’t be affected by the mere smell of a predator.
But Casey walked around the kitchen table, smug as he grinned at Leo. Leo gave a small smile, and wished he were anywhere but here.
He got his wish.
Because the nightmare came.
Slowly, to the corners of his might, creeping from his memories, his nightmares, corrupting his imagination, stepping into his consciousness with creeping tentacles, turning into hands, two hands, strong hands.
And Leo would feel so very small.
Tiny.
Helpless.
Weak.
He’d want to cry for his dad but his dad wasn’t there then and his dad wasn’t here now–
Leo was Sensei now.
“Leo?”
Raph’s voice had Leo’s eyes snapping up, locking onto the concern in Raph’s enticing green. Leo couldn’t look away. Not when his brother knew him so well. Not when his brother was so concerned.
But Leo couldn’t let Raph know this. Not this. He couldn’t burden his dear brother with troubles of a time long forgotten. Not even Sensei knew this. This was Leo’s nightmare. Leo’s dishonor. Leo’s sin.
“I think,” Leo’s voice trembled, fists tight under the table, “I’m allergic.”
“What?” Casey cried, “How?”
Raph huffed, slowly crossing his arms, “Your eyes are all watery.”
“Yeah, I guess.” Leo used the excuse to wipe his eyes with shaky, useless hands.
Raph handed him a tissue, looking away to glare at Casey. Leo took the tissue, patting his eyes, pressing it hard, trembling hands, trembling breaths, slow breaths, shaky breaths, quiet breaths– he must not let them see him like this.
“Yo Casey, your stench is killing Leo.”
Leo almost laughed at that, even more at Casey’s confused expression as Raph had to take the time to explain, in ‘KnuckleHead Speak’ that Leo was allergic to Casey’s stupid aftershave. Which summoned Donnie into the kitchen, looking at Leo with such concern that Leo squirmed under his attention.
“I might have to make some pills for your allergies.” Donnie mused, “But I could call April if you want something right now.”
“I’m okay, really.” Leo said, pushing his chair back to stand. Shaky legs. Raph reached out to help, but Leo held onto the table, covering his face. To hide the panic. Because the room was getting smaller and Leo could not let them see him like this–
“Aww man. I’m really sorry, Blue!” Casey whined, backing away with hands in the air.
Leo remembered backing away back then too, when he was so little and weak and he couldn’t run fast enough when the hands grabbed him, the stench of fresh aftershave as he was hoisted off the ground and carried–
“I didn’t know you were allergic.” Casey continued, shooting a glare to Donnie, “Donnie never said anything about you guys being allergic!”
“How would I know!” Donnie protested, “But I should probably test other chemicals to see if we’re allergic to any other scent. Maybe it’s spontaneous allergies–”
Leo waved him off, “I’m fine, Donnie, it’s just this one scent. I’m just gonna go lie down.”
“And Casey’s gonna go shower. Twice.” Raph smacked the back of Casey’s head, and Donnie laughed at him.
Leo left.
Hurried to his room, shut the door behind him, pressing his shell against it, letting it take his weight as his heart pounded in his chest.
The world fell to a blur, and Leo could think of nothing but the racing– beating– pounding heartbeat that tortured him to take gasping breaths and deep breaths and no air was enough air and there could never be enough air when he was like this but he couldn’t help it because he couldn’t control it and he couldn’t control it like he couldn’t control anything because he was a weak, weak, weak child who could not control what was happening to him like the way he couldn't even control this–
Breathe.
That’s what he needed to do. Breathe. Or count. Or feel. He was supposed to feel something. Feel the ground. Ground himself.
“Leo!”
Mikey? In his room? No!
Mikey took him in his arms, familiar arms, and Leo could not get away.
“I got you Leo, I got you.”
Leo had no choice but to hold onto his little brother, taking in his comfort, letting the safety of his presence fight away nightmares that Mikey had no business fighting. But Mikey was there, and Leo could not let him know the truth. Leo had to fight it. Had to fight the thoughts. Had to fight the memories. Banish them far away. Stop this weakness. Stop this fear.
Be strong.
Be better.
Be brave.
Even though it couldn’t possibly be true.
He had to try.
Mikey hugged Leo tightly, head on his shoulder, and Leo leaned his chin on his little brother, letting his innocence seep into Leo’s conscience, scaring the horrors away because nothing bad could take Leo if Mikey was here. Leo wouldn’t let it.
And the time passed.
And Mikey did not leave him.
And more time passed.
And the nightmares left Leo.
Somehow, Mikey knew just when to speak, and Leo wondered if his little brother had sensed a change in Leo, for he looked at Leo with furrowed brows, concern in those sky blue eyes of his.
“Leo, what happened? A nightmare?”
A memory.
“Yeah Mikey,” Leo murmured, “A nightmare.”
“Oh.” Mikey’s frown deepened, and he looked away for a moment, thinking, before those innocent eyes looked up, wide with an idea, “Hey, wanna have a sleepover?”
No?
Maybe.
“Sure.” Leo replied softly, and wiped his eyes.
“You sure?” Mikey asked, tilting his head, a gentle smile growing, “Cause we don’t have to sleep if we don’t want to. We could watch spaceheroes, or get some pizza– or tea! We could have pizza and tea and watch spaceheroes!”
“That doesn’t sound that bad, actually.”
“Good!” Mikey cried, and he was already pushing Leo to the bed.
Leo let him, because a determined Mikey was a force to be reckoned with,“Just don’t tell–”
“HEY GUYS WE’RE HAVING A SLEEPOVER IN LEO’S ROOM CAUSE HE HAD A BAD DREAM!”
Raph and Donnie ran to Leo’s room just as Mikey pointed at Leo, accusing finger, but there was no malice in those eyes, only determination.
Leo thought he might die if Mikey ever found out the truth. Or maybe he might hug him. Leo would never let him find out. Never let his brothers find out. Not when they looked at him, with such worry, pity even, and he could only look at them.
Shaken.
Broken.
Might as well stick him in another bathtub for months while the world fell apart around them.
Raph’s eyes flickered to Leo’s, who shrugged helplessly, as if Mikey had misunderstood the whole ‘allergy’ situation and Leo was just going to let him believe it. Donnie and Raph shared a look, and before Leo could even explain himself, Raph shrugged and announced he wanted cheese pizza. Mikey gave him a thumb’s up, and ran off to order it.
“I could set the projector up!” Donnie said, eyeing Leo carefully, “I’ll get my laptop. Movies or the series, Leo?”
“Series.”
“Good, I know your favorite episodes.” Donnie nodded, and shared another look with Raph, “You get the snacks?”
“I’ll help Mikey with snacks, then.” Leo replied, because he didn’t really have a choice here.
He didn’t have a choice then, too. Back then. So far away. So long ago. But this was different. So different. Leo didn’t know why his mind wanted to torture him with these memories again. He had already cried it out. He should be fine.
But Raph took his hand, gave him a firm look, and hugged him tight. Leo froze, for two seconds, before melting into his touch. He trembled, a little. But he did not cry. Not again. Not with Raph. He ought to be stronger. Mikey wasn’t supposed to see him cry, so Leo wasn’t going to make the same mistake again.
“You don’t have to say anything,” Raph said softly, and Leo almost sobbed at his voice.
Why did Raph have to be so gentle?
Didn’t he know Leo didn’t deserve gentleness?
But Raph didn’t care, he only held Leo, his voice comforting and genuine and kind and sweet and for a moment, Leo felt small again.
And it didn’t feel so bad.
Not when Raph held him. Not like Mikey’s hug, where Leo could hope for his innocence to chase the nightmare away. No, this was different. Leo could sink into Raph’s presence, feel his strength and hope some of it to seep into Leo, to give him strength, to make him brave, like Raphael.
Donnie returned with a box, Raph did not let Leo go. Donnie did not come in for a hug, he simply smiled at Leo. Leo didn’t want to look away, not from Donnie, his presence was a calming beacon in the chaos of Leo’s errant mind. Maybe if Donnie hugged Leo, he would weep, and he would tell of his sins, of his weakness, and Donnie would say some wonderful logic of it not being Leo’s fault, of Leo being small and vulnerable.
No, Leo would not let Donnie tell him such things. Because Donnie would never know. None of them would.
So Leo slipped out of Raph’s arms, watched his brother wipe his own tears. And Leo felt his heart break a little. He had made Raph cry, but Raph gave him a sheepish smile, and waved it off. Leo wondered if they should watch Raph’s favorite movies instead.
“Was it really allergies, Leo?” Donnie asked, distracting Leo, “Or a bad dream?”
“A trigger?” Raph offered.
Leo went still. He nodded. He did not look at them. He did not want to look at them. He took Donnie’s box instead, taking the DVDs, perusing them on his bed, as if he didn’t know his favorites by heart. Maybe he could take some wisdom from them, find an episode where Captain Ryan needed to hide a terrible secret from his team, but Leo feared it may be too vivid for his weak and feeble mind at the moment. Perhaps, a comforting filler episode, with funny hijinks and somebody getting thrown into outer space. Mikey would laugh at that, Raph might roll his eyes, and Donnie would complain about the terrible logistics of cartoon space travel. And Casey–
Casey Jones entered the room, taking Leo’s attention, smelling like vanilla soap. His hair wet. Leo blinked up at him, and Casey grinned and gave Leo a thumb’s up. Leo actually smiled, and nodded his approval.
Casey smelled clean.
He found his way to the bed, inviting himself into their movie night the same way he had invited himself into their lives. Donnie protested loudly, but Casey found himself quite comfortable, perched on top of Donnie’s shell as he fidgeted with the projector. Raph rolled his eyes, but made no move to rescue Donnie. Soon Mikey came with the pizza, enriching Leo’s nose with delicious scents and good memories, and Leo didn’t feel so bad any more.
Leo smiled.
His favorite theme song started, and Raph gave Leo another look, checking in on him, and Leo couldn’t help but smile wider, because it was easy to smile now.
Nobody smelled like the aftershave anymore.
The nightmare didn’t want to take Leo away anymore.
His brothers were here.
And Leo didn’t feel so small anymore.