Chapter Text
seonghyeon stared back at his own reflection, taking in the sight before him. he frowned. what will it take to shine as bright as his other members? what will it take for him to get half the recognition and love they do? he turned around and slumped down against the mirror of their training room, a long day of rehearsing and practising over. he stayed back wanting to sharpen and improve some moves they’d finalised, even if the real reason ran deeper than that.
he took his phone out, the twitter icon shone brightly as he opened his phone. he knows he shouldn’t, that it’ll only make his mental health worse, but he pressed it anyway. his timeline refreshed and images of himself popped up. it was photos from yesterdays w korea photoshoot. he immediately ran for the comments. the ones at the top were praising him, calling him unreal and majestic, though he scrolled past them looking for a specific kind of comment. he didn’t know when he developed this unhealthy habit, but he was never satisfied unless he made sure he didn’t find such comments. his fingers paused mid scroll. there it was.
keonhosleftbicep: [ is it just me or has seonghyeons cheeks gotten bigger? i think theyre cute but hes lost his charisma!..T-T ]
seonghyeons eye twitched, his lips quivered in disbelief. first they complained that he had too much “face fat”, so he put himself up to a strict diet. he hadn’t ate a full meal in weeks, politely brushing it off when his members offered him more food. the process didn’t take long, he lost weight easily. he was already fairly skinny, bordering to lean. it was just his cheeks, though most likely just his child like features he was bound to grow out of naturally. but the comments got to him, so he gave them what they asked for. they praised him, adored how manly and charming he looked. but then comments that were “worried” for him started appearing. people said he looked much skinnier, his face hollow and that he lacked the spark he had before. so he listened again, eating more than he usually did. his members didnt question it, they were already worried about his sudden loss of appetite and weight loss, so they were glad he was eating so well. his cheeks became plum again, his arms and legs no longer scrawny nor boney. he felt good too, he didn’t like how much he lacked energy when he didn’t eat, it made it hard for him to practice and keep up with the other members. and now, he sees comments like this pop up again. his throat tightened. he couldn’t breathe.
he saw the comment had a few likes. not a lot, but enough to make him feel those familiar and disgusting emotions he’d try his best to swallow down. seonghyeon has been insecure much before he’d started peeking through fan comments. he was always quiet, usually self preserved and kept to himself. he didn’t have outstanding visuals, jaw-dropping dancing skills or amazing vocals so he didn’t stand out much on stage either. he was self conscious of all of it. he didn’t know how to converse as easily as james did, or dress as good as martin did. he didn’t know how to look as effortlessly good as juhoon did, or be as unfiltered and funny as keonho was. he didn’t know where he belonged or what he was supposed to do. it felt suffocating sometimes. he hated how aware he was of everything— how he sounded, how he looked or whatever weird habit he was doing without realising it. it slowly developed into this own hatred towards himself, always bringing himself down. he wanted people to like him, to praise him and tell him he did a good job. he believed he had to be perfect, otherwise he didn’t earn it.
his members would sometimes catch on and notice he was spacing out or being more quiet than usual, and they’d try to involve him as much as they could. he appreciated how much they looked out for him, but somehow it made him feel worse. like he couldn’t do anything on his own, that he was useless and was acting weird without thinking again. he knew that he was taking it the wrong way, but he somehow found comfort in seeking out for any insecurity he had and then drowning in it. he developed a new insecurity almost every week, dwelling on things nobody usually gave a second thought to nor cared about. but he cared, he cared so much it ruined him.
“seonghyeon-ah” he suddenly heard. a familiar voice he knows all too well snapped him out of his spiral. he snapped his head to the door, frozen like a deer caught in headlights. he felt tense, like he was caught doing something wrong. he put his phone down.
“you still practicing? its not good to push yourself yknow” keonho said, walking towards seonghyeon, noticing the slight stiffness in his posture.
“oh keonho-ah. i finished up a while ago, just catching my breath and stuff” he said, trying to ease the tension off his shoulders. he tried to look as natural as possible as if his mind wasn’t spiralling just a moment ago.
“oh okay..but hyeon you okay? you look kinda tense” keonho asked with a gentle and worried tone as he slumped down next to seonghyeon, never taking his eyes off him as he sat.
“bro you’re imagining it, im all good.” seonghyeon brushed off, gesturing at keonho with his hand, still trying to look as normal as possible, even when he felt a small sting behind his eyes. he didn’t dare look at keonho even as he spoke, otherwise he’d acknowledge how not “all good” he looked right now.
keonho just stared at him. seonghyeon wasnt meeting his eyes at all. if he did, he thinks he’ll break down right here, right now, and he wasn’t going to feel that pathetic, especially not in front of keonho. never keonho.
among the other members in the group, keonho was particularly close to seonghyeon. being the same age and all, they naturally got along well with each other. keonho was easygoing, funny and talkative. seonghyeon was attentive, sharp and a great listener. he laughed when keonho made a lame joke, and would listen when he ranted about their schedule for the day. they’d stay up late at night talking about literally anything in their shared bedroom while martin would yell at them from his bed to shut up saying he can’t sleep at all due to how much they were laughing. it was great. was.
it didnt last long. seonghyeons own jealousy and insecurities crept up from behind before he could stop it. it would get the best of him and he’d find him comparing himself to everything keonho did better than him. keonhos soft but sharp facial features, his lean and sharp figure, expected from a swimmer as good as him. his great taste in fashion and how everything he wore looked like it was made for him. his easygoing personality and amazing dance skills, along with his sick rapping. seonghyeon observed it all and envied him. he didn’t mean to, but sometimes he secretly hated keonho. not because of anything keonho did, but because no matter what seonghyeon did, he’d never be as good looking or as talented as him. he made it look easy, while seonghyeon was here suffering. he’d regret it immediately whenever he acknowledged it. keonho didn’t do anything wrong, in fact he always made seonghyeon feel like he was the best thing in this goddamn world. and here seonghyeon was, secretly envying his own best friend, observing his every move like an obsessive weirdo. it tore him apart, causing him to close himself off more. he distanced himself from keonho, along with the other members too. he hoped it wasn’t too noticeable, that it’d pass off as him being too tired to hang or just not being in the mood. he didn’t want them to think he was doing it on purpose, but he also didn’t want to explain his complicated feelings, at least not right now. maybe ever.
“seonghyeon.” keonho called, his tone as serious as seonghyeons ever heard it. he froze, still not meeting his gaze.
“look at me, please. i know somethings not right here.” keonho pleaded, bringing his palms up to grab seonghyeons face, forcing him to face him. stubborn as they come, seonghyeon looked at anywhere but keonho. he can’t do this right now.
“sean” keonho begged, and that did it. seonghyeon finally looked, really looked, and he crumbled. the tears he’d been fighting back fell hot and heavy, his face wet almost immediately. a sob wrenching out of him before he could stop it. god this was embarrassing. keonho probably thinks he looks pathetic, crying his eyes out like some kid.
before seonghyeon could continue assuming the worse, he felt the hands on either side of his face move and instead, pull him into a warm embrace. he stiffened for a second before immediately melting into it. he hugged back hard, his forehead falling onto the crook of keonhos neck as he sobbed into it, raw and vulnerable. keonho held him equally tight, stroking his back as he hummed.
“shh its okay..you’re okay..let it all out.” keonho whispered against seonghyeons ear, rubbing his back in a calming circular motion.
“its just…hic..i..i dont…hnn..its so hard…what..can i do..hic” seonghyeon sobbed in broken sentences. his tears, snot and spit soaking keonhos shirt, though neither of them cared about a messy shirt right now.
“hey its okay, deep breaths. talk once you’ve calmed down, no rush.” keonho comforted, bringing his hand up to brush his fingers through seonghyeons hair, the other resting firm on seonghyeons back. the sobs soon became soft sniffles, the tears finally drying out after crying his heart out for a good 20 minutes. seonghyeon felt oddly refreshed. his eyes were puffy and dry, his throat was also sore, but he felt peaceful. he can’t remember the last time he’d let himself cry so hard.
after a few more quiet minutes, seonghyeon lifted his head off keonhos shoulder, the tear stains and snot visible on his shirt.
“pfft sorry..thats gross” seonghyeon huffed, pointing at the shirt. keonho rested his hands on seonghyeons waist as he adjusted himself to look.
“nah dont worry about it! one wash and its as good as new” keonho said enthusiastically, his words sincere, no hidden trace of disgust or annoyance laced behind it as seonghyeon searched for any. he was relieved.
they sat in eachothers embrace, neither wanting to move just yet. heat crept up seongheyons neck, the embarrassment catching up to him. he let go of keonho and rested his back against the mirror, his head high with closed eyes as he replayed the earlier events and groaned. keonho just smiled and sat closer to seonghyeon, their shoulders brushing.
“so you sure you’re all good?” keonho said with a slight tease, his voice dripping with a sweetness seonghyeon couldn’t name.
“oh shut up..man this is so embarrassing” seonghyeon groaned louder, bringing both his hands to his face as he laughed into them despite himself. keonho chuckled too, still a little worried about seonghyeon, but enjoying the boys laughter anyway. a beat passed, neither of them spoke.
“wanna sleep on my bed tonight? you know, like we did back then.” keonho broke the silence, referring to the times they’d sleep together during post-debut days, due to how nervous seonghyeon was around the time. he couldn’t sleep at all so keonho offered him to sleep with him in his bed. it was a silly suggestion at first, but it surprisingly helped a lot. seonghyeon slept easily next to keonho, so they did that whenever seonghyeon felt stressed or nervous.
“yeah, actually. im beat. i need a cold shower asap.” seonghyeon said as he pushed the palms on his face to a side, just enough to look at keonho, the other boy already looking at him. keonho smiled softly, looking at him tenderly. it did something to seonghyeon, his heart stuttering at how beautiful the boy before him looked. though that was a feeling he’d name another time, a problem for another day. right now, he just needed a nice shower and sleep.
“alrighty, lets go” keonho said as he stood up, offering a hand to seonghyeon. he grabbed it and stood up as well, keonho still looking at him so deeply it made seonghyeons own heart swell with a new kind of satisfaction. he loved how keonho looked at him. he missed it. seonghyeon looked back, giving a soft and sincere smile. they both walked out, something new settling between them after whatever just happened.
that night, both of them slept together peacefully. keonhos arm wrapped around seonghyeons waist, seonghyeons back pressed warm against keonhos chest, their legs entangled in eachothers. keonho didn’t push to find out the reasons behind seonghyeons sudden breakdown. instead, he tried his best to make him feel better. getting him what he needs before he’d even ask for it, treating seonghyeon like nothing had happened earlier. he could always ask tomorrow, whats the rush? right now what mattered was making seonghyeon feel at ease, and thats exactly what keonho did. seonghyeon was grateful for all of it. he slept like a baby that night. so did keonho. both of them wrapped around eachothers heat, it was perfect.
seonghyeon woke up around 10, the warm rays of sunlight flooding through the curtain of their window radiating on his face. thank god it was the weekend, he thought. he scrunched his eyes at the brightness and groaned. he looked around and saw martin dead asleep on his own bed, one leg far out of the bed. as he tried to shift, he felt a warm pressure around him. he looked down to see keonho hugging him, his head resting on seonghyeons chest. seonghyeon smiled in pure adoration, keonho looked so peaceful and effortlessly beautiful even in his sleep. instead of feeling the envy and hatred he usually would, he felt affection. his heart felt content rather than the usual ache he’d feel whenever he looked at keonho. something shifted between them last night, thats for sure. something warm and tender laying unnamed. but seonghyeon didn’t want to think about that right now. he wanted to focus on the boy before him, to live in this moment forever.
seonghyeon observed the rise and fall of keonhos chest, the slight frown on his face as he murmured something seonghyeon couldnt quite catch. “so cute..” seonghyeon whispered to himself. he cringed as soon as the words left his mouth. he then hugged keonho back, pressing his head against keonhos shoulder as he wrapped his arms around him. they laid there, wrapped together in their own bubble, ignoring the reality that’ll catch up to them soon enough. not right now, atleast. right now it was just them and their shared warmth, nothing else. and seonghyeon thinks maybe thats all he needs. he dozes off again, feeling happier than he had in a while before returning back to slumber, arms slack around the boy he loves.
“ouu shii my little gay boys aww” martin sang from his own bed as he stood upright, taking in the sight of keonho and seonghyeon basically stuck together like two lego pieces. he smiled.
“looks like they’re finally figuring it out,” juhoon said from the doorway, pointing at the two boys while crossing his arms, before looking at martin. he smirked as he walked towards him.
“oooh morning baby. damn you got no business looking this good this early” martin purred as he opened his arms. juhoon walked forward and straddled himself on martins lap, legs going on either side of his thighs, fitting himself in martins arms as juhoon held his shoulders, martins arms resting around his waist.
“seriously stop sweet talking me all the time, i always look like this.” juhoon grumbled, a red flush creeping up his neck, ears and then to his cheeks. martin smiled warmly.
“then i’m saying you look good at all times, every day.” martin said before catching his boyfriends lips in a tender kiss. juhoon melted into it, kissing back with the same devotion as he wrapped his arms around martins neck, angling his head to deepen the kiss. the kiss wasn’t rushed or messy, it was loving and sweet, deliberate and slow. juhoon pulled back, a wide smile spread along his face as he looked into the eyes and face of the boy he loves so, so much. martin looked back, equally mesmerised by juhoons delicate beauty, his pink lips that taste like cherry chapstick, his soft pink cheeks and his big brown eyes. he was so fucking gorgeous, martin thought.
“alright big boy, go freshen up. lets eat and go out, i wanna go thrifting.” juhoon said as he patted martins chest, pushing himself up and off of him, deliberately ignoring the bulge in martins sweatpants. martin groaned, his boyfriend was such a tease. but he didn’t argue, instead he shamelessly touched himself through his sweatpants and rubbed his erection while looking directly at juhoon. it outlined his length, long and thick. juhoon couldn’t help but stare before meeting martins intense gaze.
“you sure you don’t wanna help me in there? i mean..you did this baby. all you and your fucking sexiness. you should take responsibility for making me this way.” martin said, voice still raspy and rubbery from sleep, still touching himself against the cotton of his pants. juhoon thought it was the hottest thing he’d ever heard and saw. he could feel tightness in his own drawls too, annoyed by how easily martin can get to him.
“not fair, i really did wanna go thrifting.” juhoon said before grabbing martin by the collar and practically dragging him to the bathroom while martin was grinning from ear to ear victoriously. he also liked when juhoon took the initiative, he found his dominance weirdly hot. then followed the sound of the bathroom door shutting, the click of the lock coming right after, and muffled thuds from behind the locked door.
james leaned again the kitchen counter, unbothered by whatever was going on in the bathroom. he sipped his morning coffee as he scrolled on his phone. “children..” he muttered to himself tiredly, letting out a small chuckle as he continued scrolling through schedules and rehearsal dates. he already acknowledged juhoon and martins relationship, it was pretty obvious from the get-go and hes pretty sure they realised that too, so they didn’t bother hiding it as much. james likes it that way, how they silently trust each other and become comfortable without needing to talk it out. it was easier and more peaceful this way. its just the groups dynamic. he then redirected his attention back to his busy schedules, taking one long sip of his coffee, already tired even on his day off.