Chapter Text
They say that each of us had about a one in eight billion billion (yes, a double billion) chance of winning the race against all the other sperm and eggs from our mother and father- with the prize of course being the miracle of life. Ilya has been riding out this miracle for about 26 years, and he thinks he is ready to call it quits. He keeps waiting for things to get better, for colors to have sounds, or whatever other nonsense people preach to make all the suffering in life worth it, but it just has not clicked for him.
He thinks he has given life a pretty decent shot. But recently even hockey hasn’t been enjoyable. The hookups that used to satisfy him now only leave him feeling emptier than before. He even finds himself irritable with his team despite having a pretty high tolerance for their antics. The few things that once could spark something in him have lost their light. Plus there is his mother. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, right?
And there is also Shane Hollander. The man who he has experienced his entire adulthood with. The man who ran away from his couch a few months ago into the arms of an incredibly beautiful actress. The man whose eerily beautiful face is currently plastered on the TV in the Bear’s rec center while a news outlet is relaying his Instagram statement.
Hollander reiterates that he loves hockey (as if there was any possible doubt in a single person's mind about Hollander’s love for the sport) and he thanks the league for the opportunities that it gave him. Hollander, however, can no longer stay silent about what playing professional hockey has cost him being a gay Japanese-Canadian player. He wants to change the culture of the sport in order to make it a more inclusive environment. He won his billion awards and two Stanley cups as a gay player, and he will win his next billion and cups as a gay man too (ok, maybe Ilya was paraphrasing that part a bit).
Shane Hollander just came out. The same man who was so terrified of being outed that he bought an entire sex building so that no one would see Ilya entering or leaving.
Ilya would like to think he has done a decent job making sure his team knows that hate language of any kind will not be acceptable in their locker room, but he still holds his breath as he waits for someone to say something.
One of the rookies blurts, “Figures the best player in the league is also the hottest man alive.” Silence follows.
Ilya winces not because the rookie should have had the decency to lie and say ‘second best player’ while Ilya was in the room, but because he was preparing for the onslaught of homophobic insults for the rookie for saying something so obviously ‘gay.’
But it never came. In fact, every single guy agrees and then jumps into their own stories of how they first became enamored by the magnificence that is Shane Hollander. Marleau mentions he got hard when he first saw Hollander naked at the All Stars locker room because Hollander has the biggest dick Marleu has ever seen (too bad it's useless, Ilya knows too well). Hammersmith spilled his drink all over himself when he was first made contact with those earnest doe eyes. Ilya also heard a very distinct “it's not gay if it's Hollander.”
No one seems disgusted by the fact that Shane Hollander is gay. In fact, Hollander has just opened the door to allow all these previously repressed players realize that they may be harboring unspoken secrets about themselves. Ilya wants to laugh. Of course if there is one man alive who can make any guy question in their own sexuality, it would be Shane fucking Hollander.
Ilya wonders why Hollander chose to come out now.
Ilya wouldn’t be surprised if Hollander must have found someone new after he and Rose Landry broke up. They only must have broken up a few weeks ago since Ilya can distinctly remember the paparazzi taking pictures of them exiting a restaurant date together (don’t ask Ilya why he knows this).
The speed at which Hollander found someone also would not particularly surprise Ilya. He started dating Landry about 2 weeks after he ran out of Ilya's apartment, so he must have found his new lover on the same timeline. Maybe a few weeks is all it took for Hollander to realize he loved the other man. That timeline would only be too quick if it happened with Ilya. After all, even 7 years is too soon to call each other by their first names.
Let it be known that Ilya does not blame Hollander for running out on him. Ilya knows that he was never a good person. He wasn’t a good enough son for his mother to stay. Or a good enough son to take care of his father who will probably die any day now. He is not a good brother to his own brother who has hated him since they were children. His teammates are no doubt sick of his pissy attitude and shit job being captain. Svetlana is visiting Russia and Ilya has been a shitty friend and failed to keep in touch.
And of course he was terrible to Shane Hollander. Not answering his text for months, calling him boring, pushing their unspoken boundaries and confusing him.
So no he doesn’t blame Shane Hollander for leaving him. It was silly of Ilya to think he wasn't pushing his luck for having Hollander for all those years anyways. The kind of happiness that Hollander deserves could never be granted through someone like Ilya. And given the reaction from his own locker room, he can only imagine the mass of people who now want to woo Hollander and offer him the chance at the kind of relationship he deserves. Ilya winces a little thinking about just how much better Hollander is going to realize he could have been having the past 7 years.
People like Ilya were put on this earth to endure. To serve as a learning experience for others. To put the blame on when others did not want to take accountability. Happiness is not meant for them. Ilya really wishes that one of those other eggs/sperm should have tried harder at the primordial race and saved him all this wisdom.
Ilya also knows he could never have a coming out moment like Hollander. With his family, Russia as a whole, and the blatant biphobia from straight men (Yes, some people can suck a cock just as impressively as they can eat pussy), he knows the outcome of his coming out would look very different. Surprisingly, he is not at all jealous of Hollander. He is genuinely happy that Hollander gets a real shot at happiness that people claim are possible in life.
Ilya’s father’s health is rapidly declining, maybe this is Ilya’s cue as well. Ilya can’t bear to bother lying to himself anymore so that things will get better. But he will outlive his father. He can’t give his father the satisfaction of being right about Ilya being so lazy that he can’t even live anymore. Absolutely no way.
Ilya is planning to go to Russia in 2 months for summer break anyways, and Grigori will almost certainly pass by then, so at the absolute latest, Ilya just has to live until then.
Maybe he will try to live out whatever high he can manage until then.
That is why Ilya is going to avoid Shane Hollander at all costs this weekend.