Chapter Text
(i dont smoke (audiotree live) highly recommended)
November 9th, 2026. 4:39 am.
My gaze flickered to the scorching hot stick in my hand, two of my fingers twirled it around before raising it up to my lips.
-I dont smoke except for when im missing you-
As the smoky gas filled my mouth, I thought of Jake, my heart aching as I did so. My left hand clutched onto the freezing rail of my balcony, while the upper half of my body leaned against it. My chest was warm, filled with a sudden rushing calmness that unnerved me. I didn't smoke very often, only with Jake, he was the only one I felt safe enough with.
We would take turns passing the cigarette between each other, I could taste the faint trace of peach on his lips whenever I took a drag. It made me feel secure, made me feel like I wasn't alone, I could feel and taste his presence within me, and that alone was acceptable.
-To remember your mouth, how it tasted true-
I hung my head low, the smoke drifting out of my mouth in such a way many would call entrancing. I looked up at the night sky, my right hand moving to extinguish the red hot flame of my cigarette.
November 10th, 2026. 1:56 pm.
-And I don't smoke except for after I've held you-
The familiar scene painted in front of me made my eyes water. I watched through the window as Jake laughed alongside his ‘new friends’. I should've known from the start, he was nothing but a dirty liar. My eyes drifted away from the music club room and onto Liam and Henry across the hallway. They were making jokes with a few of the theater kids, not with me, no, never with me. My stomach twisted with regret, guilt, and worse of all, longing. I wanted them to like me, I didn't want any of this stupid drama, I just wanted my old friends back.
Liam noticed me staring, a hopeful feeling spread through me, but it was quickly diminished whenever he rolled his eyes and scowled at me, causing Henry to do the same. I shifted my gaze back to the music club, before turning and walking through the double doors at the end of the hallway, an exit. It felt freeing, the cold wind hit my face before anything else, whiplash hitting me like a car. I scanned the back of the school for any teachers or security guards before digging in my shoulder-bag for a box of cigarettes. My hands shook as I pulled one out, the lighter in my pocket feeling heavier than usual.
November 10th, 2026. 2:35 pm.
I flicked the cigarette out onto the concrete, the fiery hot color draining from its interior. I rummaged in my bag for a piece of gum, peach flavor, that was Jake's favorite, not mine. I popped it into my mouth before heading back inside the school building. I rushed over to 7th period, there was approximately 40 minutes left in the school day. After a few minutes of walking, I finally reached Ms. Smith's door, above it she had a sign that read, ‘all are welcome to RLA!!’. It made me cringe. I held my breath and knocked on the door, I saw her look up from her desk, surprise on her face whenever she saw me. She stood up and strutted over to the door, a friendly smile curving her lips.
“So nice of you to join us, Drew.” Her cheery voice made my head hurt. I just smiled back and headed over to my desk. To my surprise, Jake was sitting in the seat next to mine, I paused for a moment, before sitting down next to him. Ms. Smith cleared her throat, beginning to explain today's agenda. I didn't listen to much, I was spaced out most of the time.
Before I knew it, class was over. I grabbed my bag and rushed out the door, eager to be away from everyone else and into my own world.
November 10th, 2026. 11:34 pm.
I glanced at my phone every 3 minutes, maybe they remembered? My birthdays have always been a big deal after all.
It was strange, not even my parents had messaged me, they couldn't have forgotten..right?
I stared at the blank screen for another 3 minutes before trotting over to my balcony doors. I slid the door open, cold air hitting my face, making my eyes water. I stepped onto the concrete and leaned against the rail, not bothering to close the door behind me.
I turned my body to face the table that was on the left of me. On the table sat a lone, untouched cigarette. Beside it, a small red lighter sat idly. I stared at the pair for a moment, considering whether I should disrupt this serene scene. I ultimately decided not to, I could live 30 minutes without smoking. Afterall, it's not like I was addicted or anything.
November 11, 2026. 12:04 am.
The alarm I had set for my birthday rang unanswered from my room, I couldn't bear to turn it off, it was the only thing that did remember my birthday. Not even my own parents remembered.
I stepped back into my room, sliding the glass door close behind me. I glanced at the phone on my nightstand, hesitating to shut it off. After a few minutes, I finally did. The silence felt heavier than usual, my heart ached with the realization that no one really did remember. I shook it off and decided to just sleep for now, it'll be better in the morning.
November 11, 2026. 5:35 am.
I groaned at the sound of my morning alarm, I hadn't slept a wink. I swung my legs off of the bed and stood up, almost tripping over myself as I did so. My head pounded and throbbed but I managed to make my way to the bathroom. I flipped the light switch, the bright light worsening my headache. I swung open the medicine cabinet, an array of pills, some empty, some unopened, sat in front of me. I rummaged through them all, looking at labels before I saw one that read, ‘Tylenol’. I plucked it up and took a few, my hands shaking as I did so.
I stepped in front of the mirror, the digital clock behind me reading ‘5:41 AM’. I bit my lips, dry and unmoisturized. I couldn't blame them, I really hadn't been taking care of myself lately. My hands met my hair, the curls feeling foreign against my skin. I looked down at my hair straightener on the marble counter, it still looked as pristine as the day I bought it. The buttons were a silky red and the machine itself was a marbling black. I sighed, before grabbing it and beginning to straighten my hair.
November 11, 2026. 6:01 am.
Once again I stood in front of the bathroom mirror, this time more presentable. My hair was straight and styled, the usual hairstyle I did almost everyday. Instead of my usual black hoodie, I opted for one of my navy blue button ups and a black tie. The impurities in my face were hidden behind concealer and press powder. I slid on my blazer, grabbed my shoulder bag, and headed out the door.
November 11, 2026. 6:13 am.
The brisk cold air against my skin made me tremble lightly. I dug my phone out of my pocket, opening the camera. My face reflected back at me through the screen, I certainly hadn't looked all that bad, my nose and cheeks were a bit reddened though. Just as I began placing my phone back into my pocket, my foot caught a ragged piece of concrete. I slammed into the floor, hard. The palms of my hands and both of my knees were scraped pretty badly. I winced at the pain, trying so desperately not to shed tears.
My heart nearly stopped when I heard footsteps behind me. Not just one person, but multiple people. My heart started pounding, my arms moving on their own. I tried pushing myself up, but due to the injury on my palms, I fell right back down. Hopeless, I waited for them to pass by me. But to my surprise, they stopped right behind me. I didn't have the pride to look back at them, so I turned my head.
“Drew?” A familiar voice called out to me, I hung my head low in shame, not wanting to look up at them. Another voice rang out.
“I think he's embarrassed, that's something I've never seen before.” The other voice chuckled before muttering something under their breath.
I grunted, annoyed at the people behind me. I meekly looked up to see who they were.
I gasped, an exhale leaving my mouth quick. Behind me was a teal haired girl, followed by her little minions. And of course, next to her, was Jake. I paused for a moment before speaking. “What the hell are you doing here? Shouldn't you be off singing some stupid lovey-dovey crap?” My hands and knees burned like hell, tears pricking at the edge of my eyes.
Hailey, the calm, reasonable one of the group, opened her mouth to speak. “Well we were going to go sing our lovey-dovey crap, but you’re in our way. And now you're too embarrassed to get up. How ‘bout that?” Her sarcastic tone burned like acid against my ears.
Hailey scoffed and was about to walk over me but she paused whenever Jake pulled on her sweater sleeve and whispered to her. She reluctantly stepped back and Jake walked forward. He stopped in front of me. “Drew, give me your arm, I'll help you up.” His hand stretched in front of me, urging me to take it.
The air left my lungs immediately. It wasn't fair. The sun shone a glittering orange right behind him, illuminating his figure; an angel. His eyes, peering down into my soul, made the butterflies in my stomach erupt into flames, sending chaos wherever they went. Even after I convinced myself I hated him, I still couldn't get enough of his attention. He was alcohol, and I was intoxicated.