Chapter Text
JJ Boiziau was straight, but damn was his Captain fine.
As Shane Hollander stepped out of the showers, dark hair slicked back and abs shining, JJ couldn’t help but notice his objectively, insanely good looks. He wasn’t blind, after all.
Regrettably, JJ was largely responsible for the infamous Rose Landry incident of 2016, before the painful realisation that Shane was gay. He wasn’t homophobic! It was just that he’d tried to match Shane up with a shamefully high number of girls, only to learn that all his best laid plans were entirely in vain.
But still, Shane was eternally single. Apparently, his singleness extended beyond the limits of gender.
And JJ was happily in a relationship now, dating Camille from the bar who was studying to get her master’s in data analytics. She was so smart and so pretty, and with all the time she spent studying, JJ had too much time on his hands.
As Shane left the locker room, JJ paused, turning to Hayden next to him.
“Hayden, why is Shane not seeing anyone?”
Hayden looked up, startled, as if this was not the question he expected to come from his teammate’s mouth. “Uh… I don’t know, man.”
“Hayden, I am serious. Our capitaine is a hot piece of ass, and even if he doesn’t like women, I know so many men who would be interested. He never replies when I send him Grindr profiles!”
“JJ, why are you on Grindr?”
“It’s for Shane!” Hayden stared at him incredulously.
JJ was trying to be a good friend.
So, as one does, he forwarded Shane Michael from Toronto, and Paul from New York, and Jordan who played guitar at local bars on his weekends.
Different cities, different hobbies — heck, even a diverse set of races (JJ wasn’t going to discriminate). But why had none of them struck a match? Shane was, on paper, the perfect guy. He had stellar looks, was humble and kind and funny (not to mention, rich), and was the legendary cornerstone of a franchise in fucking Canada.
So how, and why was he single?
Hayden cleared his throat. “He’s just got, like, really specific taste. Y’know, like he won’t just hook up with anyone.”
Okay? He supposed he could work with that. “Does he have a criteria or something?”
The pain in Hayden’s expression was becoming more and more palpable as his eyebrows pinched together and his mouth twitched. If JJ didn’t know Hayden, he might’ve guessed he was homophobic at that moment. Or maybe he too had tried and failed to set Shane up, only to discover his highly specific taste in men.
“Maybe you should ask him,” Hayden decided on, grabbing his bag and ducking out of the locker room.
Okay, JJ could do that.
___
The next day, after not being able to find a moment before practice to talk to Shane, JJ supposed the rink would do. The rest of the team had cleared off the ice, except for JJ, and Hayden and Shane, who were discussing plays whilst heading out.
“Capitaine! Talk to me about your taste in men!” JJ called.
Shane blinked back at him, turning to Hayden in disbelief, who in turn planted his face in his hand, shaking his head in answer.
“Uh, what?” Shane ran a hand through his hair, bewildered.
“Your taste in men! Hayden says it is very specific and that’s why you’re always single.”
JJ thought he heard Hayden mumble an apology under his breath. Shane clenched his eyes shut before replying, “So you want to know my taste in men — why?”
“So I can find you your dream man!” JJ responded chipperly.
“Oh my fucking God,” Shane muttered, turning his gaze away from JJ.
Was Shane that embarrassed about his sex life? Maybe that was the problem. JJ could help.
“I’m serious! Give me your criteria and I will find the man for you. I’m like that genie.”
Shane deadpanned, “Genie.”
“Akinator — Amber is obsessed with that game,” Hayden supplied.
“Okay, well, maybe I’m not looking for a relationship right now. I’m always training or at practice and I don’t really have the time.” Okay, Shane was busy, but he wasn’t that busy. A good half of the league was married, so it clearly wasn’t a shared issue.
“Captaine, you can take a break, you know? Rozanov has a new girl on his arm like every night, or he used to in Boston.”
Hayden snorted and tried to pass it off as an unorthodox cough. He clearly agreed; Shane needed to get laid. Maybe Shane was busy with hockey, but JJ could find a solution. Unless…
“I’m a genius.” JJ moved towards Shane, slinging an arm around his shoulder. “Mon ami, you are too busy for someone outside of hockey. So, we’ll find you someone inside hockey!”
Hayden looked like he was holding back tears. “Yeah, Shane,” he managed. “Give JJ a chance!”
JJ’s captain appeared to be intensely regretting his life choices leading up to that moment. “Fine.”
Had JJ ever been this excited? Maybe this was his life’s purpose. Apart from hockey, of course. But once he retired, maybe he could be a matchmaker on Etsy or something.
___
According to Google, statistically speaking, one in every ten people was gay. The NHL had 736 roster spots, as Google said, and so approximately 73.6 players could make up JJ’s list. Or spreadsheet, which Camille informed him was the superior way to perform his experiment.
Since the Rose Landry debacle, JJ vowed to never let his gaydar hold him back again. Now, he believed that he could confidently identify the apparent 2.3 queer players per team to place into his meticulously constructed excel sheet. Maybe it was three in Florida. He knew things.
For the next however long it took him, JJ would keep track of the players that stuck out to him (in secrecy and non-speculatively, of course), whilst studying Shane for information on the taste that would reveal itself in the body of an NHL player.
JJ Boiziau was going to lock down Shane Hollander. For someone else, obviously.