Chapter Text
Out there in the stars, there are peaceful planets, and there are far, far from peaceful planets.
One of those planets being Cascadia.
A green, pink and yellow planet that looked deceptively beautiful on the outside but was deep in Grand Century Empire space, as it was the home planet of the rulers of said empire.
But there is plant life on such a technologically advanced world. Such as right here, on the desk of a depressed office worker, lies this half-dead potted plant. But dear reader, our story does not focus on this office plant or its very depressed owner.
Our story focuses on a princess. A princess named Zinasin Century.
Zin sat on the couch, smashing buttons on a game controller like a toddler. "Pew pew pew! Blammmmmm! And another bitch bites the dust!"
A teenage girl who wore clothes far too nice to be smashing buttons on a game controller like a toddler. She was sitting on a couch surrounded by piles of trash and dirty clothes with one pile of clean clothing below a metal panel on the wall, a system of organization that didn't exist.
Just as she was about to scream some more colorful language into her busted, taped-up red and black headset, someone entered her room without knocking. A man stood in the doorway, looking over at her on the couch with a panicked expression in his eyes. He had white hair and light gray eyes, and was dressed in a button-up shirt with a blue vest and a red tie tucked neatly beneath it. His pants were gray with a red belt that matched his tie.
Row's voice was uptight and frantic. "Zin, you're an hour late. You're supposed to be in the Grand Throne Room of the Century Empire."
Zin fell off the couch, and landed in an old container of molded nachos. She stood up from the floor, her elegant pink dress with puffed, princess sleeves now covered in molded, nacho cheese goop.
"Fuck! Row!" Zin frantically brushed the crumbs off her dress, but she only managed to spread the molded cheese goop all over the front of her dress.
Row's eyes went wide as he attempted to stutter out, "Great, now..." but was interrupted.
"Knock before you enter! I could have been naked for all you know, you dumbass loser hoe of filth!" Zin pointed at him.
Row stood in the doorway, fidgeting with his hands behind his back. "Calm down... and please... don't call me that... Now we're gonna be even more late."
Zin tilted her head. "For what?"
Row facepalmed. "You're an hour late to present your chosen planet for conquest. It's on the schedule. I went over it with you this morning... like I always do." He pulled out his Portable Computer and showed the screen to her.
"I can't see that from the doorway, and so why does it matter? We're already late!" Zin walked over and shoved him out of the doorway and into the hallway.
Row forced a smile. "Your father is gonna be very mad at me if you're late and I don't want him being mad at me or you. You can finally begin your mission after two years of prep. You should be a little more excited."
Zin closed the door and walked to a part of the wall and pushed a button on a panel. A hole opened up, revealing a closet. Its hangers had never been used. Everything just covered the closet floor, indistinguishable from the piles already in her bedroom. She grabbed a random dress off the floor and threw it on her bed. Then she struggled to remove the cheese-coated dress, almost falling over in the process, before flinging it behind her to land somewhere in the room. Finally, she struggled to get the clean dress over her head, nearly falling backwards in the process.
After finally getting it on, Zin quickly pushed the button again, and the hole in the wall disappeared like it had never been there.
Zin walked to the door, placed her hand on the panel off to the side, and unlocked the door. She exited her room and saw a very anxious Row trying to suppress tears.
Zin and Row walked through the seemingly endless palace hallways in complete silence. They finally arrived at enormous doors with intricate patterns engraved into the deep blue metal and made from the purest inbendyium metal.
Row placed his shaking hand on the panel next to the ornate doors, and they opened with an audible swoosh. Zin walked into The Grand Throne Room Of The Century Empire with a mix of excitement and nervousness.
Row walked in a few paces behind, his still shaking hands behind his back with a professional, put-together posture.
Emperor Joecifer's voice was cold and rage-filled. "Zinasin, why are you late?"
Zin's posture immediately straightened, and fear flashed on her face, but was quickly hidden by a fake confident smile.
Row started to shake but he tried to hold his body as still as possible. He stopped and stood next to Zin, visibly a lot shorter than her.
Emperor Joecifer had purple hair and eyes, and his hair was in a low man bun with an elaborately adorned knife going through it, holding the hairstyle together. He wore a blue metal crown and a long, flowing purple and red cape. He wore a purple suit with a black button-up shirt and a purple tie, with blue shoulder armor with giant spikes.
Meanwhile, Empress Veda fidgeted with the fabric of her purple opera-length gloves as she sat in her throne. She glanced at her husband before she quickly looked back towards the floor as she shook slightly.
Zin broke the silence. "Uh, Father, can I show my planet now?" She reached into her pocket, only to remove her hand completely empty, with a look of horror on her face and a visible shake to her tall form.
Empress Veda looked over at her shaking eldest daughter and then to her youngest, Zena, who sat in her throne next to her father's. The Empress was no longer fidgeting with her gloves but with her dress instead.
The silent tension was broken when Row reached into his pocket and pulled out a half-dollar-sized square object with one small button in the center. He pushed the button on the small Presentation Displaying Device. It hovered, then expanded to form a screen that displayed a map of an odd quadrant labeled "The Midden-Heap Sector." Row clicked on a planet. The screen now displayed a blue and green planet labeled Earth. Dominant species: Glabri-Mammalian, also known as Hairless Primates.
Zena sat in her throne, attempting to pronounce the name. "What's Arth? Mmm... E-arts?"
Emperor Joecifer leaned forward with an unamused expression on his face. "That is certainly a bizarre name for a planet."
Zin fidgeted with her purple wrist-length gloves. "Yes, Father, that is why I'd chosen it. I... I... I... j-just thought the name was funny."
Row straightened his posture. "What the princess means to say is that she picked the planet because she thought it would be a lovely addition to the Grand Century Empire."
Empress Veda's voice was gentle. "That sounds like it would make a lovely addition to the Grand Century Empire. Row, please help the princess pack for her journey."
Row saluted. "Yes, of course, your Majesty." He turned to salute Emperor Joecifer, who was staring intently at his Portable Computer which resembled an Earth phone. Row was just going to salute him when Emperor Joecifer spoke.
"I have some important business to attend to. I presume everyone can make sure Zinasin is ready without my presence."
He quickly put his Portable Computer back in his pocket and exited The Grand Throne Room Of The Century Empire as the sound of the doors echoed off the metal walls.
After Emperor Joecifer's departure, the room was dead silent. Zin broke the silence. "Mother, can I go and hang out with my friends before I leave?"
But before Empress Veda could answer her daughter's question, Zena cut in. "Mother, if this is finally over, can I go back to my room?"
Empress Veda lightly chuckled. "Yes, to both of you."
As soon as those words left the Empress's mouth, the two sisters ran out of The Grand Throne Room Of The Century Empire's elegant doors.
Row started to walk in the direction of the doors, but before he could reach them, Empress Veda called out to him.
"And Row, remember to guarantee she's fully prepared for her first world conquest!"
Row turned around. "Of course, Veda."
Empress Veda stood up from her throne and walked toward Row. "It's my baby girl's first mission. I feel like I could cry."
Row hugged her. "Me too, but I'm sure she's gonna do great."
Empress Veda hugged him back, then let go as Row walked through the grand doors with a swoosh, finally exiting the throne room.
Row made the long journey down the hallways back to Zin's bedroom. He remembered the previous argument and decided to knock this time.
Zin opened the door, dressed in casual attire. "I'm going to go out with my friends for pizza. I'm guessing you're here to pack my stuff."
Row looked up at her. "Yes, Zin, I'm here to pack your stuff, and before you say anything, your mother asked me to and I won't snoop."
Zin looked down at him. "I'm not hiding anything, so you won't find anything." She walked down the hall in the direction of the spiral staircase.
"I better not find anything." Row walked into the room.
"You might find whatever was making that noise last night and I hope you do. It kept me up all night." Zin walked down the spiral staircase.
Row walked to the window that was still open, and he looked out at the city below. After Row stared out at the capital city for a few minutes with a melancholy expression, he placed his hand on the panel next to the open window. It closed and locked instantly.
Row walked away from where the window had been to the panel on the wall near Zin's bed. He activated the panel. A section of the wall opened up and revealed a closet. He attempted to sort through Zin's clothing that lay haphazardly piled up on the closet floor.
Meanwhile, Zin walked to the hover train station to catch the next luxury hover train to her and her friends' usual hangout spot in the next city over from Capital City.
She finally arrived at her friends' usual hangout spot in Daslumia, a dirty, rundown pizza place with a broken sign that once read "Pizza, Weenies, Frys, & Shit."
Zin ran over to the table and sat in a chair, which immediately broke beneath her, sending her onto the dirty, cracked patio in a puddle of brownish-gray mystery liquids.
A guy with yellow hair and eyes wearing a fancy orange coat burst out laughing. A green-skinned insectoid alien with four arms, wings, and a short green wavy bob haircut walked over and extended her hand to help Zin up.
Zin tilted her head. "Uh, which one?"
She extended only one of her four arms. "Oh, sorry."
Zin grabbed hold of one of Alex's hands, and Alex helped her up onto a more stable chair. Alex kicked the broken chair underneath the table and sat back down in her seat.
Zin brushed herself off. "Uh, thanks Alex."
While the yellow-haired guy was still laughing, Alex kicked the leg of his chair. It immediately collapsed, and he went down in a puddle of greenish-brown chunky liquid.
Prince Texzia groaned and sat up as he rubbed his head with his hand. "Ah, owwwww."
Alex chuckled. "Need a hand, Texzia?"
Texzia screamed before immediately falling back down. "No, I can get up by myself!"
He tried to get up for many minutes until a waiter walked by, looked at him, and threw some menus on the table.
The waiter held up a bag of rainbow-colored intergalactic crack. "Just pick something, and I'll be back to take your orders after I smoke whatever this is."
Prince Texzia groaned. "I wish I had some of that."
The waiter put the baggie back in his pocket. He grabbed a chair from another table, took Texzia's arm, and with a quick motion, threw the prince into the chair and pushed him in. After picking up the pieces of the broken chair, the waiter left.
Texzia stared down at the menus for a moment before all three of them tried to grab a menu, but they were stuck together with chewing gum and a mysterious yellow sticky liquid. The menus were finally pulled apart, and a faint smell of vomit hit them in the face. But instead of looking disgusted, their faces were filled with nostalgia, and they took a deep breath in.
Zin quickly grabbed the least gross menu. Texzia and Alex scooted closer to Zin, and they began to debate what was the best pizza to order until the waiter finally stumbled back to the table, clearly high.
"Did you pick something yet, or do I have to..."
All three shouted, interrupting the waiter. "No!"
The waiter shrugged. "Okay. I'll go across the street and see if I can get in on that deal they got going on."
All three of them looked across the street at a sign that read: "half off if you bring your own drugs to snort off one of these fine ladies' asses."
The waiter pulled a piece of paper and pen out of his apron front pocket, wrote his number down, and handed it to Zin. "Oh, here's my number in case y'all are ready to order before I get back."
After having many minutes of debate, they all agreed to order the Bipolarian pizza.
Just as they were about to call the number they had been given, a manager walked past.
The manager made wild hand gestures and facial expressions. "Have you kids seen your waiter anywhere? He's about this high and always high on whatever's in the dumpster."
All of them pointed at the building across the street with a dirty light-up sign that read "Ben Dover's Whore House," plastered with even more half-off ads.
The manager looked over at the building the teens pointed at and turned back. "What the hell is he doing over there?"
Texzia shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know. Just snorting some intergalactic crack off some girl's crack."
The manager sighed deeply and walked away as the waiter stumbled back across the street, grinning like an idiot. He grabbed a chair from the other table and sat down uninvited.
He pulled out a baggie. "Actually, it was only the smokable variety. I traded it for the snortable kind and got some moon dope too."
Texzia smiled excitedly. "I'll trade you." He pulled out a baggie of pain murderers from his pocket and yanked off his bracelet and tossed both items at the waiter's face.
Alex's eyes went wide. "Texzia, what are you..."
The waiter caught the baggie with one hand, but the inbendyium metal bracelet hit him square in the nose. He picked it up off the table and stuffed the baggie of pain murderers and bracelet in his pocket. He tossed the baggie of moon dope to Texzia.
Texzia caught it, immediately pulled one out, and started smoking it.
Zin and Alex exchanged worried looks but said nothing.
The waiter blinked. "Wait, how old are you?"
Texzia exhaled a cloud of smoke. "None of your business." He offered one to Zin. "Want one?"
Zin hesitated, glancing over at Alex, who was staring at the table. "Uh... no thanks. I'm good."
Alex looked uncomfortable. "Yeah, we should probably just... order the pizza."
Zin kept her eyes off Texzia. "You look sixteen."
The waiter shrugged his shoulders. "I'm not sure why people actually buy that, but I don't care."
A contemplative look flashed across Texzia's face. He pointed at the high waiter sitting at their table. "Wait, if this dude is here, how are we supposed to order the pizza?"
Zin pointed at a girl who seemed to be sober. "Hey, what about her! Her brain moops don't look fried!"
Alex looked apologetic. "My apologies, she means no offense, dude. Uh, actually, what is your name?"
He stared at his hand still pointing at his temple. "Oh, yeah, I probably should have, uh, introduced myself. Sorry, it totally slipped my brain moops to say hi. My name is... Vex. Yeah, Vex. And I'll be your waiter. You know we're supposed to and all. Wait, I think so."
Zin glanced at Vex as she pointed to a girl in the same uniform as him. "Hey Vex, do you know that chick's name over there?"
Alex kicked her under the table and glared at her.
Zin glared back. "What!"
Vex blinked slowly. "Uh... you mean... the waitress? That's, uh... I forgot her name, dude. Wait, no, that's just what I call her. Haha, I knew those tits ain't real."
Texzia wore a slightly mischievous smile. "If you can't remember, just say what you call her."
Alex side-eyed Texzia and looked at Vex with suspicion. "Okay, just... say her nickname, I guess. If you really can't remember."
Vex cupped his hands around his mouth and screamed, "Hey, Mega Tits!"
Zin and Texzia burst out laughing, but Alex just looked horrified.
The woman who was busy cleaning one of the nearby tables turned to see who called that and glared at Vex. "I have a name, you piece of shit!" She threw a glass cup off the tray she was holding, but it missed Vex and hit the manager who had just walked out onto the patio after hearing the shouting.
The manager pointed at her, screaming. "Okay, that's IT, Lyra! You're fired!" He pointed at Zin, Texzia, and Alex. "But at first you serve my nephew and his new friends!"
Lyra walked over to the table, mumbling under her breath, "Stupid little fuck and these stupid bitches."
She reached the table. Luckily for her, no one had heard. Her voice was flat. "So, what pizza do you want to order?"
Alex nodded. "Uh, we were thinking about ordering the Bipolarian pizza and..."
Vex interrupted, practically bouncing in his seat. "I love Bipolarian pizza! It's like... like the best pizza! Oh, and we should probably get Diabetes soda too. It goes great with it."
Zin practically jumped out of her seat. "Vex, what's your favorite flavor?"
Vex thought to himself for a moment. "I really like blood orange and beef jerky equally." He nodded as if he'd just bestowed some profound wisdom. "It's like your ex and your other ex. You really can't choose between them, you know?"
Zin pointed at Lyra. "I love the beef jerky flavored one! Get us some beef jerky flavored Diabetes sodas and the pizza!"
Lyra just glared at Zin and walked away, writing down the order. But as she was walking away, she recognized Zin, Princess Zinasin Century, heir to the Century throne. The realization hit her, and a chill ran down her spine as she thought about what could happen to her.
Lyra ran to the kitchen as fast as possible to tell the kitchen staff that they had to make it perfect for royalty and the son of one of the most decorated generals, General Kex Noome. Even though she only saw him as Vex, her terrible coworker.
Meanwhile, back at the table, Zin had a genuine smile on her face. "You know, at first I wasn't that happy that you randomly sat at our table, but you're actually pretty cool. You got Galaxygram?"
Vex handed Zin his Portable Computer as she handed him hers. "Yeah, actually, here."
Zin looked at his screen. "Oh, let me just look at your account and follow you there."
Vex tapped his screen. "And you're following me too now."
They handed back each other's Portable Computers as the pizza arrived, topped with Cryopteryx meat and sliced Pyrofruit.
They each grabbed a soda and a slice of pizza and started devouring it.
Zin's mouth was full of pizza as she obnoxiously slurped her soda. "This is the best pizza I've ever had from here."
Zin looked at her Portable Computer and realized the time. She pulled out her Space Currencies card. "Oh no, I have to leave or my parents won't be happy and I'll be late for my mission! Uh, here Alex, my Space Currencies card."
But before Alex could say anything, Lyra spoke up, gesturing toward Vex. "No need, your Majesties. It's free for you, on behalf of General Kex Noome's brother and son. And may your mission be fruitful."
Alex's eyes widened. "Wait, you're General Kex Noome's son?"
Texzia pointed at Vex. "I knew you looked familiar. Okay, we are SO becoming mutuals on Galaxygram."
Texzia, Alex, and Vex all followed each other on Galaxygram as Zin shoved the rest of her pizza into her mouth and waved goodbye, running to the nearest hover train station.
Zin got off the hover train and began walking back to the palace. As she walked toward the slightly out-of-place palace at the center of Capital City, it slowly came into view the closer she got.
Two guards who wore white theater-like masks greeted Zin with a bow as she approached the palace doors. Both guards stepped aside to allow the princess through.
Zin walked to the palace's ship hangar. Once she reached the hangar doors, the guards stationed there bowed and pushed the button to open them.
As Zin walked into the room, she saw Row directing the palace staff who were loading her luggage into the ship.
Row gestured at different areas of the ship. "Put that there... that one there... oh, and that goes there. No, not there!" He facepalmed and muttered under his breath, "Who hired these useless people?"
Zin chuckled. "Row, so you're finally done packing all of my stuff, I see."
Row smiled at Zin. "Actually, your Majesty, it's been packed for over an hour."
Zin looked at Row, genuinely surprised. "Oh, wow, that was fast."
A look of terror quickly flashed across Row's face, but he hid it just as fast. "It wasn't that hard, your Majesty."
(Flashback)
After Row shut the window, he walked over to a pile he thought might be clean clothes. He picked up a pizza box with something inside that, at one point, might have been a slice of pizza. He heard a sound and quickly turned around to see rat-like creatures with four eyes and blue fur leaping onto him, devouring the moldy pizza slice.
(End of flashback)
Row shuddered at the memory as he walked over to Zin and handed her the battle armor, blue shorts, a black long-sleeve shirt, a purple belt with a star-inside-a-circle buckle, purple boots, purple gloves, and spiked shoulder armor.
Row cleared his throat, clearly annoyed. "Just change on the ship." He turned and walked toward the ship after the palace staff signaled they were done with all the tasks he'd assigned.
Zin sprinted to catch up with him. Once she was on the ship, she walked into the small royal sleeping chamber and quickly changed into her battle armor.
Zin ran out of the royal sleeping chamber and into the control room, where Row was already seated at the ship's main controls.
Row pushed buttons on the console. A steering wheel popped out, and he placed his hands on it as he started the ship.
Zin looked out the window as they left the pink skies of Cascadia, both of them unaware that Zin's cat-like creature that appeared to resemble a dog made of clouds, a cloud creature named Cloudy, had followed them onto the ship.