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The morning starts off normally, all things considered.
Samir is looking for the best delivery he can find (read: the one tipping the most), Billie is commenting on the best places while Anton is totally not scraping off the burnt pieces of his toast. He knows which way the dial goes. He's a grown adult. Who doesn't?
"Ant," Paul baker starts in between bites of cereal, "Should I shave he mustache?"
Issa looks up before Anton can, letting out an incredulous "What?.
To be fair, it's what he was going to say.
Paul Baker rubs at his face, specifically going over his half goatee. Anton loves that mustache. He's pretty sure its given him mild beard burn—but he likes it. Anton throws his burnt toast in the trash, holding onto Paul Bakers chin.
"What? No," He tries not to enter the mush for Paul Baker zone that Samir has told him he has that makes him look smitten (where'd he even hear that word?). "What is this again? Did another troubled teen tell you she hates it?"
Paul Baker shrugs, looking sheepish. "No, uh, my Mom asked me to."
Billie looks up from where she's scrolling on Samirs phone. "Mom Baker?"
"Yeah, she thinks its not professional." Anton makes a face because okay, hes seen unprofessional facial hair, and that's not it. Unprofessional is when Samir tried to grow a sad beard during college that looked more like when your food is halfway through molding. "But, I mean, if she says it—-"
Issa cuts him off with a loud shush. "Paul Baker, do any of us listen to our parents?"
Paul baker looks, thinking for a second. Anton shakes his head no in encouragement because yeah, when has he ever listened to her?
"Exactly," Issa concludes. "So call Mom Baker and tell her you're not shaving it."
"What?"
Issa continues on, considering this a full-proof plan. "It has to be done. Do you think I asked before moving to New York?"
Paul Baker has that wide eyed confused look that Anton can sense as being on the precipice of overwhelmed.
"I didn't. So come on. Facetime, now." She picks up Paul Bakers phone, trying to hand it to him before giving up and keeping it for herself. "Or whatsapp. I don't judge."
Paul Baker looks at Anton with pleading eyes, and God, yeah, he doesn't want the mustache gone. But when Paul Baker looks at him like that, some things can be let go. Hair grows back.
"Come on Iss, give him a break."
Samir. nods, "He's all Canadian and polite. You just told him to do something impossible."
"Hey—" Clearly, that's not the defense he was hoping for.
"Paul Baker, is your passcode still the same?"
"Yeah, why?"
Issa doesn't answer, and the why is pretty clear once the tell-tale facetime ringing sound comes on. Paul Baker looks shell shocked. Scandalized, even. Issa shoves the phone back into his hands with a self assured smile, one that says your welcome for this service I've done to you.
"Issa!" Is all he can get out before the phone is being picked up, and he schools his expression into something less intense.
"Hey Mom,"
"Paul?" There are loud rustling sounds on the other line, and Anton almost winces from where he's sitting. "Is everything okay?"
Now, Paul Baker is a private person. Sure, if you ask him he'll tell you— but no one likes to intrude on him too much. Paul baker mentions his family in passing, takes his calls in private, and mentions french immersion like its some standard thing they all did.
So naturally, the facetime with Mom Baker becomes a group affair. Samir suddenly decides the breakfast orders can wait, Billie stops tying to hide her investment and, come on. Anton knows he and Issa have been invested since the very beginning. They're all sat around the kitchen table, waiting for insight into Paul bakers life. Maybe its codependent, or nosy, or something else. But who's judging? Or naming?
"Yeah, Mom, everything is fine."
"This isn't our regularly scheduled call," (Anton tries to not think about how adorable that is, and fails miserably) "What's up?"
"I just uh— so, remember what you said about my mustache?" Paul baker rubs at it subconsciously again, and Anton is starting to wonder if its some kind of nervous tick.
Then, the camera turns on.
And look, Anton isn't stupid. He's got a social IQ of like, a million, and a pretty good one normally considering he can hold down an office job. He can read people pretty easily. If no one else, he can read Paul baker.
But nothing really prepares him for the sight of a Black lady getting her hair done on the other side of the screen. The braids are almost done actually, and they're super cute. God, sometimes Anton wishes he had long hair—but still, this is Paul Bakers Mom?
"And how it looks terrible?" Is what a voice, the girl behind Mom Baker (who is doing the hair) says, and Paul Baker makes an appalled face.
"Mom! Tell Blair to stop!" It's the most impassioned and whining Paul Baker has ever sounded. The woman rolls her eyes, clearly not going to intervene.
Anton shoots a look around the table and okay, yep. This is a new discovery for all of them. Then, the camera pans over again, and there's a bald guy sitting on the couch.
And if Paul Baker was going to be adopted by a black family, it makes sense he'd have a bald black Dad. Anton is speaking from experience.
The man breaks out into a smile at the sight of Paul Baker, shades sitting down on shirt. "Paulbug, what's going on?"
Samir looks over at the others at the table, mouthing the word Paulbug? and shaking his head like he's disturbed .
"I was just telling Mom that— uh," Paul Baker eyes them all for encouragement, and Billie gives him two thumbs up in support. Thank God she did, because the rest of them aren't really that tuned in.
"I'm.. not gonna shave my mustache." Paul Baker says it with conviction. Triumphantly, and his shoulders immediately sag afterwards.
"What? Why would she want that?" Apparently Dad Baker wasn't informed of this. "I like Pauls mustache. It suits him."
Mom Baker rolls her eyes again, and smiles. "Paul I wasn't saying you had to. It was just a suggestion. You look great, honey. Okay?" Blair Baker laughs in the background, which almost gets a rise out of Paul Baker before he really hears his Moms words.
"Wait—really?"
"Yeah of course," Blair Baker grumbles something, but its indiscernible. There's a pause for a few seconds before Mom Baker speaks again.
"So, when are you visiting?" Then, a smile spreads across her face. "Are you bringing your husband?"
Paul Bakers eyes go wide, and so do Antons— because they've been asking about him? They know they're married?
All of a sudden Paul baker has a million things to do, and he's ushering out a million more sor-ays and some french phrases paired with I love yous until he hangs up.
It's quiet, which never happens in their house. Paul Baker tugs on a piece of hair and forces out a cough, trying to break the silence.
Anton is trying to discreetly whisper to Issa, who has her surprise written all over her face. Billie and Samir have taken to whispering amongst themselves, but Billie shoots a look that defintely means she and Issa will be discussing this in their shared room later.
"Black?" He whisper shouts to Issa, and Paul Baker smiles at him oh so innocently before speaking.
"Actually, my Dads name is Zach."
Look, Samir isn't saying Paul Baker is wrong. He gets it, considering not even two weeks ago Paul Bakers friend called him the most Jewish looking guy hes ever seen. He gets being mistaken for another race, or ethnicity, or whatever.
But Samir is pretty sure Paul Baker is adopted. Which is cool, it's really fine. He just can't understand why Paul Baker never brought it up before. So while they're sitting watching Guy Fieri try the biggest sandwich hes seen in his entire life (Samirs pretty sure this diner is in Texas), he asks the question.
"Hey," Paul Baker looks over from where he's laser focused on the screen. This is a pretty good show. They should make a list of the places here, and take a road trip. "Why'd you never mention you're adopted?"
Paul Baker laughs. So maybe that was the wrong question to ask, okay, fair.
"I'm not, dude." Well, that can't be right. Samir doesn't mean to say it, but the word is already leaving his mouth before his filter to can catch up to him.
"What?"
"Yeah man, I'm like, Logic or something."
"Jesus,"
"Or Tyriq Withers. He's cool." Paul Baker turns his attention back to the show, clearly not finding this revelation as confusing as Samir does. Then, some kind of recognition colors his face.
"Wait, is that why you guys were so quiet? You thought I was adopted?"
Samir doesn't answer, but he makes a face that must be doing most of it for him.
Samir doesn't make groupchats. Okay? Issa is the one who makes twenty breakaway groupchats for different situations, birthday parties, or moods (Paul Baker and Billie aren't allowed in the angry group-chat, since their brand of anger is way different from the rest of them and it quote unquote, messes up the energy).
But desperate times call for desperate measures. So he deletes the last group chat with him, Issa, Billie and Anton (which hasn't been used since the great visa crisis of 25') and creates a new one titled NOT ADOPTED?
Guys
He's not adopted
Bills: Who?!!
Paul Baker!!
I asked him very normally because we were ALL thinking it
And he says he isnt ????
And says hes like Logic??
Anton: Logic??????????
He changed it to Tyriq Withers
Anton: Okay, better
Issa: Does he not know??
Oh my god, thats so sad
we have to let him know
Bills: Come on guys
maybe he's not adopted
Why'd you guys all react with a question mark
Anton: Because come on, Billie
Well what do we do?
Anton: I don't know.. let him believe it?
Issa: We cannot do that!!
Anton: Maybe he's black in the way Connor Storrie is black
Bills: Connor storrie.. isn't black
Anton: Yeah, but some people think he is. It can work.
He has the curl pattern for it.
Issa: NO
I've got this. House meeting. Tomorrow. 10am
10???
Issa: BE there or be square
This is to save our racially confused friends life!!
Or husband!!
Or boyfriend!!!
Fine, okay
Bills: I'll be there but it cannot go past 11
Anton: ?
Bills: I have a job interview
Anton: Omg!!!
Issa: Off topic!!! (You're gonna do great and
they'lll hire you on the spot but not in a
exploitive way)
How come you aren't harassing Anton about if he'll be there?
Issa: It's for Paul Baker
We know he's gonna be there LOl
The house meeting is an entire thing, because when is it not. But Anton has to admit— this is one of Issas better plans. They're all sat on the couch, smushed together as Paul Baker picks at his chipped nail polish and Issa stands proudly before them.
"So, by the grace of Christian God, or by the bonus I got from the Ballet school last year, I've ordered us all ancestry.com tests. They're coming tomorrow."
Billie chimes in, unable to stop herself. "Doesn't ancestry.com sell your results?"
"Okay, and do what?" Issa gives her a look that's trying to remind her that they're doing this for a good cause, which Billie concedes to. "Don't you guys want to see? What if you're like, part Polish or something."
Samir nods, half convincingly. "I mean, doesn't it go down to the percentages? That could be fun."
It sounds like he's reading off a script. Anton almost pitys him.
Paul Baker looks nervous. "I mean, I don't know. If they're gonna sell our like, spit, isn't that weird? And not something we should do?"
"Paul Baker I appreciate your honesty, but they're already ordered. This money could've ordered new pointe shoes for my entire class—"
Everyone recoils a little at that, and Billie gasps. "How much money did you spend on these tests?"
Issa pointedly ignores the question. "—But instead I chose to invest it into you all. And our friend groups genetic makeup. You're welcome." And with that, Issa walks off, winking at Anton.
He gives her a timid smile, before turning to Paul Baker. Anton places a hand on his knee, which gets his attention easily.
"Look on the bright side." Paul Baker looks at him like he hung the moon, and he hasn't even said anything yet. "If there's ever a class action lawsuit filed against them, you'll get some of the money."
Paul Baker smiles at him, before placing a quick kiss on his lips. "You're right, Ant. It'll be fun."
Anton almost feels bad, since this must qualify as some kind of deception. But he's saving his racially confused husband so.. no harm no foul?
Doing the ancestry test itself is kind of gross, and in all honesty Anton isn't super excited to see his results. Issa is trying to see if London will come back on it, Samir doesn't seem to really care either—while Billie is way too concerned about the data of it all.
Paul Baker, well— he knows what he is, is what he keeps telling Anton. He sits them down one day to explain the eve gene, and how cool it is that he's a part of that. Anton smiles and nods at him, trying his best to hide his pitying looks.
Samir gets up halfway through, and Billie has started praying that the delivery come backs faster.
And because there's some mercy left in the word, it does come back— three days later that is.
They all download the app to see their results, and decide to make it a public affair (re: sharing their phone screens to the TV as they open them), Issa says it'll lessen the embarrassment for Paul Baker. This is the only thing that gets Anton to agree.
Samir goes first, citing that he just wants to get it over with. His results are.. underwhelming , if it's okay to describe someones like, ethnicity results in that way. But his are in the realm of, yeah, we knew this already. Samir shrugs, saying that he guesses seeing the actual percentages was cool, and Issa gets up after him.
Hers goes mostly the same way. There's like, a three percent British in there that confuses all of them, but its small enough to not really mean anything. Issa says she feels more connected, and secure, and free. She stares Paul Baker in the eyes while saying all of this. So subtle, he knows.
Billie is next, and it goes on without much fanfare until Issa points at the screen.
"Hey! You are like, one third polish. I guessed it!" Billie looks vaguely uncomfortable with the information.
"That's a significant amount, right?" To Anton, she sounds super worried over information they literally have no use for. " Someone should've told me."
"Come on," Anton tries for his best placating voice. "I mean, that could be some great grandparent with really strong genes—"
Paul Baker grabs his sleeve gently, eyebrows furrowed up. "Babe, I don't know if that's how it works."
Anton trudges on, because he won't be lectured about genes by Schrodingers lightskin. "—so don't worry about it. Or call your Dad, or buy the pro subscription!"
Billie shrugs, half satisfied, and sits back down.
Anton scrolls through his results without any excitement. There's a small percentage of white in there that he doesn't stop to think about, unless he's in the mood to have some type of existential spiral. With his most sarcastic tone, he speaks as he sits back down.
"Wow, so thrilling."
Paul Baker gets up next, and everyone is nervous. Billie keeps looking at them like everyone saw his results before her, and already knows. Samir looks strangely calm, but Anton (and everyone else, that is) can tell he's mentally preparing for what to say after all hell breaks loose.
Paul Baker smiles at them, which Anton is somehow still melting at through his nervousness.
"Look, I know this is some ploy to get me to admit I'm adopted or something,"
Anton can't say he's surprised. They can hide some things from Paul baker individually, or for small amounts of time, but as a group? They're a lost cause.
"But I'm not, and once I pull this up, you guys are gonna believe me.."
Paul Baker opens the ancestry app— and puts his phone down— meaning they see the results before he does.
Samir winces.
Issa lets out a vaguely sympathetic noise.
Billie looks away.
"Honey," Anton tries, because Paul Baker is a sucker for their married pet names and hopefully it'll soften the blow that's about to hit him. "Maybe you don't have to know, because I love you anyway." That stops Paul Baker in his tracks.
"We all love you, right guys?"
Everyone nods, exchanging platitudes and trying to make sure Paul Baker doesn't turn around.
He does though, and they're powerless to stop it.
"What?"
82% French and German.
Well, Anton thinks, that explains the French immersion.
Anton is put on consoling Paul Baker duty, which he's happy to be stuck with. Billie left for her interview with a tentative sorry, and Issa and Samir have gone upstairs to give them alone time.
Paul Baker isn't crying, but he looks shell shocked. It's almost worse. Anton doesn't know how to handle this situation, and he's pretty sure no one else on the planet does either. So he sticks to rubbing circles into Paul Bakers arm, and letting him sulk quietly.
"I mean, I thought I was the eve gene Anton," Paul Baker says quietly. He mutters a curse under his breath, and Anton looks at him, eyes big and caring because he never has to fake it with Paul Baker.
He doesn't have to pretend to care about bad news— no matter how absurd it may be. Everything comes naturally with him. His brain unhelpfully supplies the fact that he doesn't think Eve could work hard enough for him to be, well.. Tyriq Withers.
"I thought I knew who I was. I mean, who am I even?" Paul Baker sounds so genuinely devastated, it makes Anton want to give up digital marketing and go into gene research. Find some way to console his boyfriend-husband and make it all right.
But he can't do that— so he settles on this:
"Why don't we call your Mom?"
Mom Baker answers after two rings, an efficient woman, and Paul Baker wastes no time.
"Mom," She looks over, acknowledging him from behind the steering wheel. She has an absurdly large water bottle in the compartment and is sitting in some parking lot.
"Why didn't you tell me that I'm adopted?"
Mom Baker looks over, and her expression reminds Anton so much of Paul Baker he's starting to believe that maybe ancestry.com got it wrong.
"Oh, Paulbug," Her voice is dripping with sympathy and Anton can see why he's so kind. It's from her, and Dad Baker, and how much they care. She grips the steering wheel tightly, turning her full attention to Paul Baker. His head is resting on Anton's shoulder, who is slightly out of frame.
"At some point we assumed that well…" She looks off to the side nervously, "you knew."
"But I didn't Mom! And now it's like, who am I? I've been lying to everyone. I've been marking African-American on all my documents since I got my visa—"
"You what?" Anton chimes in unhelpfully, which seems to be the reaction of Mom Baker too.
"And now it's just— I don't know. I feel like I liar Mom."
"My Paulbug," She starts again, and okay, the nickname is growing on Anton. "You weren't lying. You just didn't know. And you know what?"
Paul Baker lets out the saddest what of all time.
"This doesn't change anything, okay? Me and your Dad..Blair, we love you." She pauses, letting the next words wash over Paul Baker. "You're our son."
A smile starts to creep onto Paul bakers face. "Even if you didn't know, we did. You've always been our Paul Baker. We're always going to be family."
Anton has to admit that she's doing really well at handling such an emotional moment over FaceTime.
"Nothing, no DNA test or biological connection changes that. Undermines it. Okay, Paul? You're exactly who you've always been."
Paul Baker nods to his Moms words, and she smiles at him.
"Visit soon, okay? Really now. We can talk about this more." There's a pause for a few seconds where the silence lingers. Anton moves a hand to rest in Paul Bakers curls, soothing him.
"I'm sorry if we left you in the dark."
Paul Baker mumbles a it's fine, and Anton can tell he really means it because of the way his eyes crinkle at the corners.
"Je t'aime, Paulbug,"
"Je t'aime aussi, Maman." Paul Baker replies, and ends the FaceTime.
He moves his head up to stare at Anton, who's already looking at him.
"You okay, Paulbug?"
Paul Baker covers his face with his hands, and Anton swears the tips of his ears are turning pink.
"Yeah, I'm okay." His face looks less shellshocked, and sort of content. Anton is sure this situation will hit him again a few days later, or it'll bother him again another day. But for now, this is enough. Paul Baker is okay—and that'll always be enough for him.
Then, after a moment, Paul Baker speaks:
"Can you help me change all my legal documents to white?"
"Oh, definitely. We're doing that tomorrow."