Work Text:
Maria had bought herself the video mostly for her own entertainment. Because it couldn’t be real. There was no way Ilya Rozanov was making FanMail videos. Maria would have been shocked enough to see him doing this before the Hayden Pike ‘incident’ but now? Well, there was no way.
When the video arrived she had tapped open the email, curious to see how the rest of this scam would play out, only to find actual Ilya Rozanov staring back at her. It was a simple freeze frame of Rozanov standing alone in an empty corridor at the Centaur’s rink. She pressed play, watched the thirty second clip and then laughed until she cried.
Maria immediately sent it to her boyfriend who called back two minutes later demanding the full story of how this clip even existed. All in all, it was a very good birthday.
It wasn’t until weeks later, when other similar videos began appearing on social media, that she thought to post the clip online.
--
@SophiaSkatesBoston:
So I bought a FanMail from Ilya Rozanov for a laugh thinking it must just be some admin error or something and they’d just refund me but then I got this video in return and guys...guys....you are not prepared for this, I swear.
[Video clip begins]
Ilya Rozanov stands against a bare white wall, wearing athletic shorts and a tank top, his hair still wet from the shower.
“Sophia,” he says, faux serious, “thank you for doing me the honor of letting me make you a birthday video. As you can see, I am taking this all very seriously. I have good neutral background, very plain, very boring. Very professional. It does not contain anything that would make the commissioner very angry. Is just a blank wall, I have checked. Because I consider the set up of my shots. I would hate to send happy birthday video with very big, very distracting secret in the background. Would be very unprofessional, such terrible practice.”
Ilya pauses, flashes a grin then nods. “Okay, now we have checked set up, I can say I am ready to wish you a very happy birthday Sophia! Thank you for choosing my very professional approach to FanMail videos for all your celebration needs and services, yes? Have a great day and please pet any dogs you see, otherwise what is the point. Okay, thank you Sophia, happy birthday, goodbye.”
Ilya smiles once more at the camera then the video cuts to black.
[Video clip ends]
@NHL_Inside_Scoop:
Is this real? What the...?
[Re-shares Sophia’s FanMail video]
@CentaursCentral:
Laughed so hard I think I pulled something. Oh my God, he did not.
[Re-shares Sophia’s FanMail video]
@NHL_OffTheRink:
If you do one thing on hockey twitter today, let it be watching this video:
[Re-shares Sophia’s FanMail video]
@HotForHockey81:
Ilya Rozanov: Married, yes. Tamed, no.
@MarlyStan4Life:
My girlfriend is asking why I’m laughing and now I have to explain all the lore.
[Re-shares Sophia’s FanMail video]
@RozForCommissioner:
Oh Ilya, my beloved, you never disappoint.
@OttawaAlways:
Ok but has Pike seen this? Does he know?
@HollanderWatch24:
I think the more important question is has Hollander seen this?
@OttawaAlways:
Welp, @HarrisDroverCentaurs isn’t that... your circus? And maybe...also... your monkeys?
@HarrisDroverCentaurs:
🙈🙉🙊
@MetrosMetrosMetros:
I...is he...he’s not seriously doing this?
@Rozyyyyy8181:
Oh, I think he’s very serious.
@AlwaysOnTheIce:
He said professional three times guys. Three times in 30 seconds. 💀💀💀💀
@BostonBornAndBred:
Of course he’s professional. That’s Ilya Rozanov, professional rage-baiter. Emphasis on professional.
@CentaursRebuilt:
‘does not contain anything that would make the commissioner very angry.’
Shots fired. Hayden Pike found dead at the scene.
@CentaursRebuilt:
Also, like, more importantly, did the commissioner fucking shout at them? Like what’s the story there? I will burn something down, I swear
--
@AdriansCarRepairs:
So I also bought a FanMail video from Ilya Rozanov this month and...
[Video clip begins]
There’s a rushed blur and then the camera steadies to show Shane Hollander sitting on his couch reading a hockey biography. Ilya drops down on the couch next to him and angles the camera so they’re both in frame.
“Shane, sweetheart, I need your help.”
“Oh, yeah, of course.” Shane marks his place, puts the book on the side table then looks up and notices the camera. “Ilya, what...why is there a camera?”
“Ah, do not mind that, I am just making FanMail.”
“Okay...”
“Yes, exactly, is why I need your help. You and your glasses.”
“Every time with the glasses.” Shane shakes his head but he can’t quite tamp down on a pleased half smile.
“Yes, since you are wearing them, you can help me check this is good set up for FanMail video, yes? You will not miss anything. Not my very careful, hardworking Shane. You would never do something careless like put video on the internet without checking the background. Not Shane Hollander, Canada’s favourite son.”
Shane goes to speak, shuts his mouth again then bites his lip, his shoulders shaking.
Ilya elbows him. “No, no, is very serious matter Hollander. You have highest hockey IQ in the league. So, tell me Hollander, are you sure there are not any closeted hockey players kissing in this video? Is very important to be sure, you see?”
Shane just glares at him.
Ilya stares back a moment. “Fuck you look hot in your glasses.” He reaches out a hand to cup Shane’s face as a blush begins to bloom beneath his freckles.
“Okay,” Ilya says, turning back to the camera, “happy birthday Adrian, video is done now. Say happy birthday Shane.”
“Happy birthday Adrian.”
“Okay, good, great, perfect. Goodbye.”
[Video clip ends]
@HollanderWatch24:
Well I guess that answers the question of whether Hollander knows.
[Re-shares Adrian’s FanMail video]
@Rozyyyyy8181 retweeting @HollanderWatch24:
Sorry Pike, looks like you’re on you’re own with this one, buddy. Could I maybe suggest going on the run? Perhaps witness protection?
@HollanovCheekKiss2017:
Sweetheart. Sweetheart. I may never be the same again actually
@ExMetrosFan24:
‘Is very important to be sure, you see?’
Hayden Pike, I think he’s talking to you babes.
[Re-shares Adrian’s FanMail video]
@HollandersFreckles24:
Rozanov: Shane, sweetheart, look at me
Hollander: *looks at him*
Rozanov: *Immediately forgets what he was doing.*
@HollanovNation:
Can someone translate the Russian? Please I am begging
[Re-shares Adrian’s FanMail video]
@KatyaCan34 replying to @HollanovNation:
He says, and I quote, “Fuck you look hot in your glasses”
@Hollanov2481 retweeting @KatyaCan34:
Oh, ok, this is the best day of my life actually. ❤️👓🫠❤️
--
@MariasHockeyHotTakes:
Sorry I’m late to the party. Received this FanMail video a few weeks ago.
[Video clip begins]
Ilya Rozanov is standing in full practice gear in an empty corridor at the Centaur’s rink.
“Happy Birthday Maria, thank you for your request for a birthday message.” Ilya smiles and clears his throat. “I hope you are having very good day with lots of cake. You can maybe see I am here at the rink, just outside the locker room, and see,” he does a full turn, arms wide, “you cannot see even one other hockey player. So many of them are here working, of course, but is very strange thing, you cannot see even one of them in the background. Nobody is being caught in compromising position, like, for instance, having very hot kiss with their secret fiance. Is just big empty space with no other hockey players on camera. I know this because I have checked. Would not want to be making bad birthday message for you, Maria.”
He grins and winks at the camera.
“Anyway, thank you for request, happy birthday and I will donate to Irina Foundation for you as celebration. Okay, have fun time out tonight Maria, goodbye.”
Ilya gives one last smile and the clip cuts.
[Video clip ends]
@BostonBakes21St:
I think this is my favourite one yet.
[Re-shares Maria’s FanMail video]
@HotForHockey81:
Bless you for this Maria.
[Re-shares Maria’s FanMail video]
@HollanovFirstAndLast:
‘Very hot kiss’
I see who you are Ilya Rozanov. Also, fiancé! Fiancé?! Is it just me or did we not know they were already engaged when that video leaked?
@HollanovNation retweeting @HollanovFirstAndLast:
Pretty sure that’s new information, yeah.
@CentaursRebuilt:
What a day to be on the internet.
[Re-shares Maria’s FanMail video]
@HockeyEdits111 retweeting @CentaursRebuilt:
I absolutely agree but also...I am sensing a trend here...Like, there might well be more of these videos out there, right? Its not even that unlikely at this point.
@RozysGirl8181:
Alright, anyone else harbouring Ilya Rozanov FanMail videos, please come forth and share with the class.
@HollanderWatch24 retweeting @RozysGirl8181:
Yes, don’t be greedy now, we all want to see.
--
@CharlieCruz81:
Literally got this one in my inbox yesterday evening and honestly, best gift I’ve gotten in a long time.
[Video clip begins]
Ilya is standing in a homely kitchen, the remains of fruit snacks and several craft activities scattered across the table behind him. He is holding Amber Pike against one hip and smiling at the camera. Amber is looking up at Ilya and wearing a red and black Centaur’s jersey with the name ‘Hollander’ on the back.
Ilya resettles Amber in his arms and smiles down at her, his expression soft. “So Amber, you are having a good day?”
She nods rapidly, a wide smile on her face.
“And you were just telling me all your favourite hockey players, yes?”
She nods again, tugging on the strings of his hoodie.
“Okay, so tell me then, who is best, do you think?”
Amber turns a big grin on the camera and says, “Uncle Ilya is the best.”
“Aw,” Ilya beams at her, “thank you zayka. Is very kind. Okay and who is second best?”
“Uncle Shane, of course.”
Ilya nods very seriously at that. “Ah, yes, of course. Is true, he is second. Okay and third?”
Amber pauses to think for a moment. “Um, third is, err, that lady from the camp? Y’know, with the nice hair? She is very fun and she gives us sweets.”
“Hmm, you mean Leah Campbell?”
“Yes, yes, Leah Campbell.”
“Very good choice moya zayka, you are so smart, no?”
Amber leans her head against Ilya’s shoulder.
“And then forth and fifth are my sisters, Jade and Ruby,” she says. “They just started last year and daddy says they are so good already.” She draws out the word ‘so’ as far as she can in one breath, patting Ilya’s chest for emphasis.
“Ah, yes, I saw them practice last month.” He grins down at her. “They will be very good I think, is true.”
She yanks one more time on the string of his hoodie. “Yes, I think so. They are so fast. Faster than me.”
“Ah, do not worry, you will be very fast too when you are bigger, no?”
“You can teach me?”
“Of course, yes, if you want to learn then I will teach you everything you want, hmm? Okay then Amber, last question, very important.” She turns her face up towards him again, giving him her full attention. “So, zayka, what about Hayden? Is he one of your favourite players?”
Amber gives a little shrug, leaning her forehead to rest against Ilya’s chin. “Eh, I mean, is just daddy.”
[Video clip ends]
@ExMetrosFan24:
I am dead. Oh this is too fucking funny. ‘Is just daddy.’ Oh my God.
[Re-shares Charlie’s FanMail video]
@CensAndProud:
Help! The cuteness factor. I can’t cope. I mean it.
[Re-shares Charlie’s FanMail video]
@BostonBornAndBred:
Ilya Rozanov, evil genius. Also, this is very fucking cute.
[Re-shares Charlie’s FanMail video]
@NHL_Reform_Now:
So, Amber Pike for NHL commissioner, who’s with me?
[Re-shares Charlie’s FanMail video]
@IceIceBaby:
Oh I can't stop laughing. Imagine Hayden’s face seeing this. The betrayal.
[Re-shares Charlie’s FanMail video]
@HockeyHockeyHockey:
Oooh shots fired @HaydenPikeMetros
🍿🍿🍿🍿
@BostonBabesUnited:
Ilya Rozanov you are a monster for this, an artist.
Also, apparently, a very good uncle.
@HaydenPikeMetros:
Look, I know I deserve this and everything but this one really crosses a line.
@CharlieCruz81 replying to @HaydenPikeMetros:
Just to confirm, I have been assured by FanMail that they had Jackie Pike’s permission prior to sharing this video.
@HaydenPikeMetros:
Jackie what the fuck?
@JackiePikeHockeyMom:
Sorry love but Ilya and Shane did a whole weekend of free babysitting so, 🤷♀️ what’s a girl to do.
Also, you know Ilya has always been Amber’s favourite Uncle.
@HaydenPikeMetros:
C’mon Jackie, not you too! Really, what the fuck?
And just because she asked for his jersey for Christmas does not mean Rozanov is her favourite Uncle!
@JackiePikeHockeyMom replying to @HaydenPikeMetros:
Swear Jar x 2💰
--
@DebbieJackson717:
So happy to say my wonderful husband got me a FanMail from Ilya Rozanov for my 50th. It came through last week. My kids tell me I’ll be very popular on the internet today if I share it here with all of you. Thank you again Ilya, it really made my day, I have to say!
[Video clip begins]
Ilya is standing in the locker room, half in his training gear though still shirtless. The rest of the Centaur’s team is spread out behind him, all chatting as they finish gearing up.
“Okay,” Ilya calls out and the locker room falls silent, “Shane is not back from check up on his ankle yet but everyone else is here, yes? Okay then, I think we do video now.”
There’s a general chorus of assent and enthusiasm.
“Perfect.” Ilya turns and holds the camera up above him in selfie mode so it is filming his face along with the rest of the Centaur’s team over his shoulder. “So, from me and the Centaurs, we are wanting to say big congratulations to Debbie for turning fifty this weekend. We are very happy for you Debbie. Eat lots of cake for us, no? Hollander is very strict right now because is playoffs soon so we are all missing eating tasty food. So you must eat cake for all of us, no?”
Behind him the rest of the Centaurs cheer at this and there are several shouts of ‘happy birthday Debbie’ from across the locker room.
“Alright, good, I will end video now because I need to review footage, yes? Must make sure none of these hockey players are kissing each other behind me while I am not watching them and focusing only on the camera. Okay, we love you Debbie, have a good birthday from all of us at Centaurs, bye now.”
Ilya turns to the rest of the team and they all cheer one more time before he ends the video.
[Video clip ends]
@MakeMetrosGayAgain:
Another FanMail, another banger. Keep ‘em coming King.
@ChironForTheCup:
The vibes of this team really are immaculate. Everybody joining in for Debbie. (Except Shane, you look after that ankle, babes! I know they said you’d be back next game but I’m holding you to that, ok?)
@Centaurs4Life:
‘What if they all start kissing while I’m not looking, hmm? Have you thought about that?’
Yep, that’s our Captain right there - Ilya Rozanov, terror on ice.
@OttawaOutAndProud:
Ok, say it with me people!
GAYEST team in the League 🌈🌈🌈🌈
@HockeyHotties24:
Is it just me or did Bood and Wyatt look really tempted there for just one second?
@IceThePuck:
Not to go all Marie Antoinette on the situation but @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer, let them eat cake!
@RozysGirl8181:
Oh I know he took his shirt off special for Debbie. Ilya Rozanov does OnlyFans FanMail.
@IlyaRozanovsAbs:
Shirtless FanMails are an option? Sign me up sir! I need me a piece of that, stat.
@HaydenPikeMetros:
Ok, this one feels a little on the nose, right?
Also, you guys and Barrett are all out already. So who exactly would be caught kissing in the background of this one? 🙄
@Rozanov81 retweeting @HaydenPikeMetros:
Ok so who wants to explain to him?
@ExMetrosFan24:
Ooh Rozanov is throwing Hayden to the wolves (it’s us, we’re the wolves)
@CentaursRebuilt retweeting @HaydenPikeMetros:
Tell me you’ve had too many concussions without telling me you’ve had too many concussions.
@Hollanov8124:
Hayden, my little delicate lamb, I say this with love. Just read that one back to yourself a few times, ok?
@ChironForTheCup replying to @Hollanov8124:
No, no, that’s way too nice. Hayden, mate, is it your first fucking day on earth? What the fuck, man?
@ScottStan_Admiralssss:
You know the definition of a secret relationship is that its a secret, right @HaydenPikeMetros ? Please tell me you know that?
@PaulaSmith42:
Lord save me from straight people, honestly. You can’t know if there’s more closeted players or not because they’re fucking closeted. Jesus have mercy.
@Cens4Life retweeting @HaydenPikeMetros:
Fucking hell, no wonder it was this guy who outed them
@HaydenPikeMetros replying to @Cens4Life:
Oh come on, what’s that supposed to mean?
@J.J.Boiziau:
Hayden, dude, just give it up for today. You’re not digging yourself out of this one.
@RozAnticsWatchdog:
[ Screenshot from the official FanMail website showing that Ilya Rozanov is no longer accepting new requests for videos. ]
Looks like the funs over guys. But fuck was it good while it lasted.
@RozAnticsWatchdog:
Thank you for your service @Rozanov81. Hockey twitter wouldn’t be the same without you, man.
@OttawaAlways:
I don’t know about allllll the fun being over. Tomorrow is another day and another day means another chance to explain to @HaydenPikeMetros how the closet works.
@HaydenPikeMetros replying to @OttawaAlways:
Hey!
~~ Five months later ~~
@Rozanov81:
Nearly sent this out. Hockey would never have been the same.
#FanMail #Professional
[Video clip begins]
Ilya is standing beside the rink at the facility being rented for this years Irina Foundation Camps. On the ice behind him, over his right shoulder, you can see Scott Hunter coming and going as he picks up cones and stacks them ready for tomorrow.
“Hello Thomas, thank you for your video request. I am very excited to wish you a happy thirty-first birthday and your husband a happy thirty-third for next week.”
Behind him Kip enters the frame and walks to stand beside the boards, calling out for Scott to come join him. Ilya angles his phone camera so a little more of the background over his right shoulder is visible in the shot.
“As you can see,” he says, “I am here at Irina Foundation Camps so I will be donating to Irina Foundation for your birthdays. Camp is going great so far, lots of fun. Is just evening clean up right now, all the kids are already at home until tomorrow.”
Ilya keeps talking, his eyes occasionally scanning across his phone screen and back again, as he films. Behind him Scott has joined Kip at the boards. He makes a comment that has Kip laughing and then Kip is tugging Scott forward by the jersey and kissing him. Scott seems surprised for a moment then he wraps his arms around Kip’s shoulders in turn and deepens the kiss. A little while later, they break apart, both smiling, heads still tilted together.
“...okay, yes,” Ilya continues, eyes flicking to the side and back, “and what else? Ah, I think that is everything we have been working on at Camp so far. Right, okay then, happy birthday from me, Thomas, and happy birthday to your husband Frank, too. Have another great year together, da? Okay, alright then, yes, thank you, goodbye now.”
[Video clip ends]
@ScottCupKiss:
Oh my God he didn’t
@RozAnticsWatchdog:
🫡
@BostonBakes21St:
Spoke too soon, this is my favourite Ilya Rozanov FanMail video.
@OttawaOutAndProud:
Hey King, think you dropped this 👑
@DrewTaylor24:
Please @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer can you tell us how many attempts it actually took him to make this video?
@ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer replying to @DrewTaylor24:
No, sorry, I can’t. It’s too embarrassing.