Chapter Text
It’s a sick undertone /
I’m a knife cut to the bone /
This could be the wrong thing /
But what if it’s right?
So why are we leaving?
This could be the wrong thing /
But what if it’s right?
…
Jess Mariano felt like he’d been cursed. When he’d been a teenager, he’d thought that constantly, had felt the suspicion that he’d done something terribly wrong in some other life. Clearly, he’d done something incredibly fucked up to warrant Liz as a mother and the subsequent fuck-ups that had characterized his life until his early twenties.
But he’d been doing well. For a long time, actually, and now at thirty-three — well, he felt like his muscles were less likely to freeze up in moments when he thought shit would hit the fan.
He’d lived in Philly for over ten years, and while Truncheon was great, he was really gradually beginning to feel the itch to go back home. He was also starting to see the need to be closer to Stars Hollow, with Luke getting older and Doula constantly texting him about coming up to see them.
So what if he was single? He’d been in and out of relationships for the past ten years, always feeling like he knew exactly what he was missing. At first, he’d told himself that it was the feeling, he was missing that instant connection — that understanding between two people, down to the depths of their soul — of who they were. Of being able to look at someone and just know who they are.
He’d always been teased over being a romantic. The biggest joke of his fucking life because how does someone like him, someone who came from shit like he did, end up hyper-fixating on the feeling he felt at seventeen?
And that’s how he knew that it was something bigger. There was something wrong with him. But he couldn’t be the only one, right? He couldn’t be the only one who loved Hemingway, Fitzgerald, or Austen and actually somehow absorbed the unshakeable, the unmovable feeling from his chest.
Chris believed it was a writer’s superstition — that he needed to be living in some Victorian tragedy in order to feel inspired. And while Jess thought that was bullshit, well, what was he supposed to say? No, look how happy I am?
And the thing was, he wasn’t generally unhappy. He was content, for the most part. He loved his work. He’d written a few novels, some were even successful and were no longer published in-house at Truncheon. He was going on a book tour, for fuck’s sake! A serious, national book tour!
So, why did the sight of Rory Gilmore with a rounded stomach manage to pierce his chest?
Jess knew he should be happy for her. He should say congratulations, maybe ship over some baby supplies and make his excuses for all future Stars Hollow events.
But he didn’t even manage to get the ‘congrats’ out. All he did was pretend he hadn’t seen her.
Thankfully, for some unknown reason — and hey, maybe his luck was changing, because Doula seemed to pick up exactly what was happening. She gripped his hand and pulled him towards his car, jabbering on about the perfect combination of frozen yogurt flavors.
…
Jess apologized to Doula that evening about needing to go home earlier than planned. She’d just hugged him tightly and asked him to take her to New York later that summer.
Luke, however, was much harder to shake.
“You’re running away. Again.” Luke stated, disappointment coloring his voice.
“I really don’t know what you’re talking about, Luke,” Jess said. “Did I walk into the middle of a conversation again?”
“Don’t play stupid with me. You saw Rory. You’re running away.”
Jess sighed and threw his bag into the backseat of his car. “I don’t know how to say this in a nicer way, so here goes. I’m not running away, Luke, because there’s nothing to be running away from. She’s having someone else’s baby, how much clearer can it be? We’ve moved on!”
Luke gave him a grim look. “When I asked you about this, months ago, you said it was long over. I let you have that because I figured, hey, maybe it’s true. But I see you now — and trust me, it’s a damn ugly sight — and I see Rory, holding back. Enough’s enough!”
Jess gave a dry laugh and pulled the driver’s side door open. “You’re seeing things, Uncle Luke. And may I remind you that you yourself took the scenic route to your happily ever after?”
Luke pulled the driver’s door and kept it from closing. “And you don’t think I regret that? I think about what would have been possible if I’d gotten my head out of my ass earlier nearly every day. You think Lorelai was out there doing Wild for the fun of it? She went hiking, for god’s sake.”
Jess paused and took a breath. “We are not you and Lorelai.”
“No, you’re not.” Luke swallowed. “Don’t let pride get in the way of your happiness, kid.”
“It’s not pride.” Jess shook his head. “You don’t know the half of it, Luke. And I get it, you think you know because you saw us here. But I’ve put myself on the line time and time again, and yes, maybe a few of those times, I was real asshole and it wasn’t the right time. But for my own sanity… I think it’s better if I let this go.”
“She’s not with him.”
Jess snorted. “That’s temporary. I refused my supporting role in the Rory-and-Logan story a long time ago. I’d really appreciate if you stopped trying to force me back into it.”
And it was only then that Jess noticed the figure by the diner’s door.
Her white dress fluttered in the summer air. Her brown hair was pulled up into a simple ponytail. Rory was wringing her hands, almost using her rounded stomach as a shelf, her eyes were wide.
Fuck.
Of course she had to be at the diner at this exact moment. Just in time to see yet another embarrassing outburst from him.
Jess swallowed and called out, “I’ll give the chapters to Matt, Rory. He’ll be in touch. Congratulations.”
Without waiting for a response, he turned to Luke. “I’ll send you the information about the book tour. It would be great if you could come.”
“Yeah, kid. You know I’ll be there,” Luke said and threw a look over his shoulder to Rory.
Jess ignored that and then climbed in. He turned the car on and waved at them, thanking every god out there for the fact that his phone connected to the sound system and a song began playing way too loudly for Luke to yell anything at him through the glass.
Before he knew it, he was pulling on to the Main Street and on his way back to reality.
…
Settling back into reality was much harder than he thought it would be.
For one, his return to his reality was actually more like two weeks of relative normalcy in Philadelphia before his book tour began.
He had an honest to god PR person now, given that they’d projected that his book would hit the New York Times Best Seller’s List. Lucy was annoying at times, constantly taking pictures or videos of him — strange short videos where she asked him to list his top five albums or the last TV show he’d watched. From what he understood, his Instagram page was seeing quite a lot of traffic.
Unfortunately for them, he refused to download the app and remained oblivious to his growing following. Lucy still forced him to go through his direct messages, though, and he was surprised to see the names of authors and artists and even a few celebrities he recognized.
And then he saw her name.
Rory Gilmore.
So he downloaded the app.
He ignored the feed and went straight to the DMs. He scrolled down to her name and hovered over her chat for a second before he clicked it.
Belatedly, he remembered that they’d never exchanged phone numbers. They’d relied on their ancient emails to communicate. He hadn’t actually checked that email in days, knowing that there might be something from her waiting for him.
He clicked the chat.
Hey. I know you might be really busy as a probable NYT best selling author
I just wanted to see how you were doing. And to also say that I didn’t ask Luke to do that. I know he meant well, but he shouldn’t have put that on you. I think he’s just struggling with the single mother thing
Jess didn’t know what to say. What could he say to that? Was he supposed to impart some golden nugget of encouragement as a product of a single mother? If anyone was supposed to do that, it was the poster child for the best possible situation ever — Rory Gilmore, herself! And really, if anything, he was the cautionary tale.
He clicked off and threw his phone back into the bag. The message was from a few days ago, anyway. She probably thought him an asshole, and really what would be a few more days while he got his head straight?
It was just that the familiar feeling of guilt rose up within him as soon as he pulled on his messenger bag. So he dug his phone back and typed out a simple response. Better to reassure her right then than keep her waiting.
It’s fine, it is what it is
It was only after he hit send that he remembered the significance of that. Because he absolutely had not meant for it to harken back to the last words he’d said to her in Truncheon — the last that they’d spoken for a few years.
He left it be, though. It was better to be succinct and avoid putting his foot in his mouth. No part of this was any of his business, anyway.
…
A month later, he was in New York. He’d told everyone it was for the book tour, but he carved out a few days around the event and took the plunge.
He looked at apartments. He went up and down, east and west. Well, mostly down and mostly east. New York was somehow even more fucking expensive now than it had been ten years ago.
Still, he liked the feeling he got while he walked out of the last apartment he saw in Brooklyn. He liked the neighborhood. It had plenty of good restaurants and tucked-in bars. It was also on the edge of still being the New York he remembered, with parents walking their kids home and people hanging out on their stoops.
Matt was going to hate him. Chris had already moved out to Queens to be closer to his girl’s family, and Matt and Jess had been the last holdouts in Philly.
Truncheon had new blood anyway, new writers and new copy editors and store runners. The company was the same and yet different, and really, Jess could do his job from anywhere (within reason, of course). He was a partner now, owned a third of the company, and all three had been clear about the direction Truncheon was growing in. They’d considered Boston. They’d considered DC. But it was New York.
He’d have to call a meeting when he got back from his book tour. In the meantime, he supposed he could commute. He’d sublet his apartment in Philly already, and that had just been a formality. He would only return for a month in his lease, and what would there be to do then?
Pack up and move on, he supposed. Another city tainted with memories, mostly good ones for a change. But it was time. He could feel it.
The reading at the bookstore was a surprise hit. His previous books had done well, apart from that very first one with a limited run, but he was always surprised to hear that someone outside of Philly knew his work.
He read a passage from the chapter in the novel where the teenager living in a rundown apartment in New York was tracing out the clues pointing to the murderer in his building. Much like it did for the boy in his story, time seemed to bend around him that afternoon. His passage felt eternal, going on and on until he questioned when he’d written such a long scene. And then, seemingly a moment later, he finished and he was shaking hands and signing the insides of his new and old books.
After the line had dwindled, and Lucy was intent on taking a good picture of him without him scowling, he saw Luke and Lorelai in the corner.
“Uncle?” Lucy murmured with a side glance. At his nod, she patted his shoulder and said, “You did great. Go, enjoy!”
“Thanks, Lucy,” he murmured and gathered his things and moved towards them.
Luke looked slightly uncomfortable but rather happy to see him. Jess had been worried for a second there that Luke would be upset at how he’d left things.
Lorelai, on the other hand, appeared jittery with her eyes bouncing between Jess and Lucy and the bookstore. The woman needed to lay off the coffee.
“You made it,” Jess smiled at them.
“Got here early, actually,” Lorelai informed him. “Luke would not take the chance of even being the teensiest bit late.”
“Had to grab seats,” Luke shrugged. “And books. Last time, you ran out.”
Jess smiled at that. “It’s a big publisher this time so if anything, I’ll end up with hundreds or thousands of unsold books, but I appreciate it. I hope you like it. I know you prefer the murder mysteries.”
“Seemed more like psychological thriller to me,” Lorelai noted.
Jess shrugged. “Bit of both, but well, I suppose you’ll have to read it to see.”
“Great,” Lorelai piped, in a strange high-pitched voice.
Geez, was he getting in the middle of a fight between her and Luke?
“Let me go pay for this,” Luke lightly smacked Jess’s shoulder with his book as he passed by him.
Lorelai looked at him for a second and then huffed out a breath. “Let’s do this while we have time.”
“Do what?” Jess asked and hiked the strap of his bag up higher.
“I know you said something to Rory. I don’t know exactly what you said to her, both her and Luke refuse to tell me for some unknown reason — and it’s just, how many years have to pass for you to grow up, Jess? You came back and just — just — just throw a wrench in the whole thing!”
Jess almost stumbled back form the strength of the accusations. “Excuse me?”
“You heard me! You showed up, and suddenly Rory’s head is off a million miles away and she just… she’s sad! God, and she’s just — she’s not even writing anymore, when you were the one that gave her that stupid idea!”
“The idea was barely mine,” Jess argued. “I threw out as a possibility, basically a throwaway! Rory’s the one that fleshed it out and made it real. More to the point, Lorelai, I have no idea what you are talking about. I barely spoke to Rory when I visited, and I believe the only thing I did say was ‘congratulations.’ So if anything’s wrong with her, why don’t you call up that prick that knocked her up, huh?”
Lorelai’s face began to turn red. “Is that what you told her? Did you say she was ‘knocked up’? Made her feel bad about her situation? What, you think you’re better than her now that you’re some famous author about to go on his stupid book tour?”
And really, he’d gotten fed up with this dynamic a decade ago. So, even though his being better than Rory Gilmore the Yale Grad was laughable, he dug his heels in. “As opposed to what?”
“You little — ”
Luke was heading back, the hardback in his hand.
Jess huffed and waved a hand. “Look, I’m going to say it one last time. I said nothing to Rory, other than to remind her that Matt would be the one working with her and to say a simple 'congratulations.' That was it. I don’t know how many times I have to tell you, Lorelai, but I am not responsible for your daughter. I am barely even in her life these days. So, if anyone has hardly grown up in the past few years, I would say that the ball is somewhere on the side of the Gilmore’s court.”
Luke gave them a glance and slightly raised an eyebrow in Lorelai’s direction. She said nothing, only turned her stare to her shoes.
“Ready for dinner, Jess?” Luke suggested. “I invited April, I hope that was okay. She had class, or she would’ve come to the reading.”
“Sure.” Jess bit back his sigh of relief. Someone would be there to break the tension, at least. It was always good to see April, anyway.
…
Of course, Lorelai didn’t let it go.
Jess didn’t realize that until a few days later when his phone lit up with an unknown phone number. He would let it go to voicemail, but a lot of people had his personal contact information now. And, it was a 860 phone number, and Luke would just get a new phone line in his quest to avoid Stars Hollow residents having his phone number.
“Hello?” He answered, balancing his phone in between his shoulder and his ear as he packed up his bag. He needed to be on the road in a few minutes to head into Baltimore and still make good time.
A beat passed and the phone line remained silent.
“Hello?” He repeated and then cursed inwardly. “If this is you, Kirk, I swear I —”
“It’s me, hi,” a voice breathed into the receiver.
Rory.
“Oh, hi.” He furrowed his brows. Another awkward beat passed. “How’s everything going, Rory?”
“Fine! Fine. You know, same old.” Did he know? He brought up a hand to cradle the phone and straightened up. “I just, uh, wanted to call you and say congratulations. For the book tour. I hear it’s going great.”
“Yeah, great turnout so far.” He could go on, he supposed. But he was suddenly a little nervous and afraid he’d say the wrong thing.
“I haven’t been able to find the book, actually. So I can’t say much about it, unfortunately,” Rory sounded regretful.
“Oh, I think Andrew ordered some. At least, I asked for Lucy to send some. The publisher assigned me a publicist, which is insane, I know.” Jess blinked as he remembered Luke’s purchase. “Luke should have a copy, actually.”
“Oh, right.” Rory murmured. “I haven’t read your others, either. Does he have copies of those, too?”
“He should,” Jess scratched at the corner of his eyebrow. “I think the backlist is still available at Truncheon, though. You could look on our website. Or, you know what, I’ll have Lucy ship some out. Some of the bookstores we’re making stops at still stock them. I’ll tell her you have like ten thousand followers to see if she’ll ship it express.”
He was met with a beat of silence and he realized he maybe had been too careful. Too light about the whole thing.
And for once, Jess decided to fill the silence. “So, yeah, keep an eye out for a package. How’s the pregnancy thing going?”
She cleared her throat. “Good. Good. Almost time.”
Jess hummed. “When are you due?”
“They said a week or so. I can’t wait,” Rory laughed, almost wetly. “I’ve never been so uncomfortable in my life.”
“I may not have much experience with pregnant women, but I had heard something like that.” Jess ran a hand through his hair and took another look at the time. “I got to go, Rory, but send me a photo of your kid, okay? And everything’s going to be fine, you know that. I have a break between the East Coast and Midwest dates, so I’ll try to stop by to see you two.”
“Oh, okay.” Rory replied quietly and then said, all too brightly, “Enjoy the tour!”
“I mean it. You have my phone number now, so why not use it? Take care of yourself, Rory.”
She returned his goodbye and the call ended.
Geez. What had happened to not getting involved?
He shoved his phone into his pocket and the threw the strap of his duffel bag over his shoulder.
He needed to get out of here.
…
The next time he thought about Rory was a week later when he was standing in the gift section of the bookstore where he’d just finished doing a reading. The store proudly displayed boys and girls clothing, tiny little things. He realized he’d never even asked the gender of the baby.
He stepped up to view the little tiny onesies, anyway.
Jess walked up and down the aisle, before finally settling in front of a white onesie. It had a familiar image of a caterpillar from a children’s book.
He picked it up and then grabbed a copy of The Velveteen Rabbit for good measure. If he was going to ship anything out, he might as well throw that in, too.
…
A few days later, when he checked his phone after leaving one of his events in Miami, he saw a new message from Rory. It was a photo.
Lorelai Emily Gilmore, born last night. 7lbs and 2 oz.
The photo showed a red faced and honestly wrinkly baby, wrapped up in a blanket. He remembered seeing Doula the same way, how she had seemingly grown into her own features only days later.
He replied with a simple: You did good, doogie.
And he wasn’t sure what it was about Rory Gilmore, but when he saw the texting bubble show and then disappear, he felt a strange sense of anxiety. Like he’d once again managed to say the wrong thing. It’d been years since he’d felt that way, like anything he said or did could wreck everything, like he shouldn’t move a single muscle out of fear of shattering something.
Lucy joined him, with a planned out itinerary for the next few days and spoke of some restaurant she’d heard about that he must try. He listened and pocketed his phone, determined to leave the feeling behind.
Later, deep into some of the best arepas he’d ever had, his phone buzzed in his pocket. Deliberately, he ignored it.
It was only until he left the restaurant and checked his phone that he realized the text was from Matt and not Rory.
…
That July Fourth weekend found him in Stars Hollow.
Doula had excitedly run out of his mother’s house, her loose brown hair whipping behind her. God, it always made his breath catch when he saw her. It was like traveling back in time and seeing himself in a funhouse mirror.
But still, he got out of the car and made sure to catch her when she crashed against his chest.
“Jess, you liar!” She accused, laughingly. “You said you would be too far away!”
“I was able to get a flight into New York last night.“ Jess pulled away and patted her head lightly.
“Yeah, I get it, I’m short.” Doula said, smacking Jess’s hand away. “Hey, but I went to my checkup last week and the doctor said I could still grow a couple more inches!”
“Mm, you should stay like this. The shortest Danes in the family,” Jess teased.
“She’s not a Danes, she’s a Verber.” TJ corrected as he walked by them with a ridiculously sized cooler.
“I am a Danes, dad!” Doula argued and nudged Jess’s elbow. “Just wait until I turn 18.”
Jess shot her a look when TJ got a sour look on his face. Oh yeah, she was his sister.
“Jess, if you adopt me, I could be a Mariano.” Doula suggested in a saccharine voice.
Jess rolled his eyes at TJ’s increasingly red face. He pulled Doula along down the road towards Main Street before TJ spontaneously (or not so spontaneously) combusted.
“You really have to stop pissing him off,” Jess warned Doula. “He maybe easily distracted with an Etch-a-Sketch, but he’ll lose it one of these days.”
“Pfft,” Doula rolled her eyes. “I live in a madhouse, Jess. You’ve relegated me to a madhouse. Dad is talking nonsense most of the time, all while Mom is consulting tarot cards for everything from what brand of coffee she should pick up to whether she should file her taxes!”
“Please tell me she’s been filing her taxes. I can save her from a vegetable cult but not from the IRS.”
“Are you kidding? I’m basically the family’s accountant,” she gave him a look and Jess felt a stone of guilt hit his chest.
“I’ll help, okay? But you need to call me. You’re a kid, Doula. You shouldn’t be worrying about the IRS until you’re at least 25. Or you start working above their limit, just so we’re clear — no tax evasion. That’s a hard rule.” He pointed at her as they made their way towards Luke’s Diner.
“Yes, officer!” Doula saluted him with a grin.
They continued their walk down to the diner and then gave some out-of-towners looks while they took selfies in front of the diner sign.
“What the hell is going on here?” Jess asked as soon as they stepped in, just in time to see Luke grumbling. “Is this the only place with WiFi again?”
“No, some kid posted a Yelp review—”
“A video,” Doula piped up.
“—about the diner on Myspace or whatever—” Luke continued.
“Instagram,” Doula corrected.
“—and they all showed up!”
“Huh.” Jess shrugged.
“Jess Mariano?”
Aw, fuck.
“Are you Jess Mariano?” He turned to see a girl, probably around 24 or 25, with almost a hint of glee in her eyes. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry about this.”
“It’s fine,” he reassured her. “Yeah, it’s me.”
“I love your books! God, I read The Subsect when I was in high school, and I swear that was my entire personality until I hit college.”
“The Subsect, huh? Pretty hard to find, you from Philly?”
“No, no,” the girl waved it off with a laugh. “I found it at a bookstore in Los Angeles. Near Venice, actually.”
“Venice,” he repeated with a smile. “Yeah, lived there for a bit. You got a book for me to sign?”
“Aw, man,” the girl shook her head. “No, I left my stuff back at the Dragonfly Inn. But it’s fine, I just wanted to say that — this is going to sound super lame, but seriously, you changed my life. I got an English degree because of you!”
“Don’t put that on me,” he replied with a smile and shrugged. “How about I give you the email for my editor? I could have them mail you a signed copy.”
Her mouth dropped. “Are you serious? Oh my god, yes!”
“Great, ready?” The girl nodded and pulled out her phone and tapped on the screen a few times. Finally, she handed it over to him, a new email draft pulled up.
He typed in the email and then typed out a short message, cc’d himself, and sent it off.
“Enjoy the holiday,” he said as he handed the phone back.
“Oh my god, you too! Thank you,” she called out to Luke and then walked out.
“You’ve got groupies,” Doula noted with a growing grin. She’d made herself comfortable on a bar stool next to the counter. “Sick.”
“They’re not groupies.” Jess made a face and joined her.
Luke gave him a warm look. “You were nice to her.”
“Well, duh. She sort of pays my bills,” Jess shrugged. “And she was nice.”
Luke laughed slightly and waved a mug in the air.
“Nah, I think you’ve got me confused with your wife and step-daughter. I, like most other people, don’t only drink coffee.”
“Hey,” Luke paused. “You should go see her, by the way. The baby’s too young, so she won’t be coming tonight.”
Jess hummed. “I was planning on it. Just… later.”
“We can go together,” Doula offered. “I’m great with babies. I’m one with babies.”
“That’s because you are a baby.” Jess said as he ruffled her hair and then laughed at her pout.
“Jess,” Luke motioned to the door.
“What, are you kicking me out? We are paying customers, Uncle Luke!”
“Yeah, Uncle Luke!” Doula chorused. “Also, we’re hungry because Mom forgot that the hot dogs don’t just magically appear on major holidays.”
“Jesus Christ,” Luke said and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Fine. Fine. Sit, I’ll grab you two some burgers, and then you’ll go.”
He only grumbled when Jess and Doula gave matching salutes, Doula letting out a laugh while Jess bit back a smile.
…
When they finally arrived, Lorelai’s house was an eerie sight.
Though it’d only ever been the two of them, Rory and Lorelai had extended themselves to fit into every nook and cranny of that house. The house had never been particularly quiet, not with Lorelai talking a mile a minute or Rory playing the CDs she’d borrowed from Lane.
He almost stopped short in the driveway at the sight of it. The house, now over a decade after he first saw it, seemed to show its age for the first time.
“I think the kid hasn’t been sleeping well,” Doula said as she looked at the house.
Jess nodded and they both made their way over to the door, carefully knocking loud enough to be heard but not so loud that they scared any sleeping babies.
A few minutes later, the door opened to reveal a Rory Gilmore he’d never seen.
This Rory Gilmore was wearing sweatpants and oversized Journey tee she’d definitely stolen from Lorelai, who had probably stolen that from Luke. Her hair was up in a haphazard bun, and not the ones that girls did to look cute. She looked — god, she looked like a mess.
“Jess,” Rory gasped and then pressed the palm of her hand to her forehead. “Sorry, it’s been — crazy around here.”
“I bet,” Jess nodded and looked behind her and then gave her another glance. “Any chance of meeting the newest Gilmore girl?”
“Oh, of course! Duh,” Rory gave a sharp laugh. “Come in. Come in. She’s just through there.”
Jess gave her a look and then turned to Doula, who was eyeing Rory like she was about to spontaneously combust. “Hey kid, why don’t you show me just how connected you are to babies?”
“Geez, Jess, I’m not five anymore. You can tell me to get lost.” Doula’s eyebrows furrowed.
Doula was scarily like him, and that meant that she was also prone to those dark teen moods that had plagued him for far longer than he could comfortably admit.
“I’m not telling you to get lost, Doula, I’m asking you to help.” He nudged her until the furrow disappeared and she rolled her eyes.
Doula shifted her gaze to Rory and asked, “Is she in the swing?”
“Yeah,” Rory said. Her gaze was flying between them. “Wide awake, as usual.”
“I got it, trust me.”
“She’s one with babies,” Jess mentioned to Rory with a smirk as Doula walked off into the Lorelai’s living room.
Once he could hear Doula cooing in the other room, he turned to Rory. “When was the last time you slept?”
“Last night,” she replied with a shrug. “Okay, fine! I slept for two hours before she was up again. It's just colic. But Mom and Luke are busy with the holiday weekend, and I just — she’s mine, so I should be able to do this. Shouldn’t I, Jess?”
“Rory,” Jess shook his head. “She’s yours, but everyone needs a little help sometimes. Why didn’t you tell them you needed help?”
A dark corner of his mind wondered where the fuck Logan was. She had support, yes, but where was the kid’s father? The only other person who carried the same weight of responsibility as Rory? As quick as the thought came, he banished it. It really was not any of his business where the father of Rory’s kid was.
He figured it was the exhaustion that had her sobbing quietly, and while the whole thing was easily the worst thing he could do in his quest to move on, he gathered her against his chest. He kept his arms around her back firm and waited until her breathing came easier.
“Okay, here’s what we’ll do. Doula and I will hang out here for the Fourth. You will go and take a nap, Luke will bring over dinner, and everything will be fine. We’ve got this. And anything we need is here, so don’t worry about it.”
Rory nodded against his chest and sighed. “I’ve got bottles in the fridge. They just need to be warmed up.”
“Even better. You were always extra prepared.” Jess pulled back and tried to give her an encouraging smile.
“Apparently not always,” Rory murmured and rubbed her eyes angrily. “Sorry, that’s not — I didn’t mean that.”
Jess shrugged. “It’s okay if you did. I’m not in any position to judge you.”
Rory brought her hands down and bit her lip. “Are you sure?”
“Yes. Go, sleep!”
“Wake me up if you need anything. The diapers are in that bag there, her blanket is over there, and did I mention the bottles?” Rory began to ramble and Jess decided that some stronger encouragement would be needed.
He grasped her shoulders and led her down the hallway to her room. “Sleep.”
“Fine.” Rory sighed and then entered her room with drooping shoulders.
…
A few hours later, Rory emerged with clear eyes and a shirt with a less cheesy band on it.
Luke smiled at her while he carefully cradled Emily against his chest, his hand coming down carefully on her back until a tiny little burp came out.
“You hungry?” Jess asked and stood when she nodded. “Sit, I’ll fix you a plate.”
“You don’t have to —” Rory began to protest.
Jess only moved to allow her to sit next to Luke. “No use in protesting, Rory, just spend some time with your daughter.”
“There she is,” Rory cooed as Emily stretched towards her at the sound of her voice.
Jess smiled slightly, almost against his will, and walked to the kitchen. Doula came in from the back door, her hair slightly clinging to her forehead from the humidity.
“How’re the fireworks?”
Jess pulled the plate Luke had covered in aluminum foil and slipped it into the microwave. Then he stuck a hot dog link into the toaster oven for Doula.
“Eh,” Doula shrugged. “Can hardly see ‘em.”
Jess grinned at her. “Yeah, I remember that.”
“We could’ve been in New York,” Doula reminded him as she took a seat.
“God, I wouldn’t have wanted to go out there, either. All those people, trying to see the fireworks at the Brooklyn Bridge?” Jess gave a mock shudder.
“Geez, you get more like Luke every day, big brother.” Doula teased. “Hey, you’re like the old man from The Simpsons yelling at the cloud.”
Jess grumbled and pulled the plate from the microwave. “Yeah, yeah. Hey, help me with this?”
“Fork and a knife? For a hot dog?” Doula scrunched her nose. “What is this, a fancy dinner put together by an 8 year old?”
“Ha, ha,” Jess mocked. “The hot dog is for you, kid. The fork and the knife is for this, you know, the meatloaf you refused to eat?”
“Yeah, yeah, I’m picky because I don’t eat meat that reminds me of bread.” She took Rory’s plate from him.
By the time he returned to the living room, Rory had handed off Emily back to Luke and she was digging into her dinner. Jess handed Doula her own plate and then took a seat on the couch next to his sister.
“So, what’d your mom say about you two spending the holiday here?” Luke asked, absent-mindedly.
“Were we supposed to tell her?” Doula asked in between a mouthful of food.
“Doula!” Luke scolded quietly.
Jess smirked. “I called and told her. She had some… colorful things to say.”
“Great,” Doula muttered.
“They really are alike,” Rory murmured with wide eyes. “I never noticed that.”
Both Doula and Jess fell into silence and gave each other a look.
It was only another hour or so of quiet TV time that was really more like fawning-over-Emily time until Lorelai came home.
And that was Jess’s loud cue that it was time to go, as she wondered out loud when her living room had gotten so small.
“Hey Lorelai,” He greeted and then stood. “Take our place. We should go, anyway.”
Doula nodded and leaned over Luke’s shoulder to say good-bye to Emily and then waved at Rory.
“Wait, Jess!” Rory called out before they stepped out.
Doula took a look at them and murmured something about waiting outside.
“Yeah?” Jess asked once Doula was behind the door.
“Do you… what are you doing tomorrow?” Rory asked, slightly out of breath. “I just — I wanted to thank you. You were so great today, and I really hadn’t slept so well in forever.”
Jess grimaced, almost involuntarily. “Driving back to New York tomorrow. I have a late flight into Chicago.”
“Oh,” Rory murmured. “Right. Of course.”
“Yeah.” Jess ran a hand through his hair and sighed. “I’d drive straight to the airport to spend some more time here, but I told Lucy — my publicist, that I’d give her a ride.”
“Right.” Rory repeated. “No, of course. You’ve got your book tour.”
Jess nodded. “Halfway done through my own US tour.”
“Thank you, again.”
“No problem. And hey, keep me updated, yeah? She’s a cute kid. Send me those millions of pictures I know you’ve been taking,” Jess teased. “Take care of yourself, Rory. I’ll see ya.”
“Bye.”
He carefully shut the door behind him and resolutely ignored the looks Doula was giving him.
He was all mixed up and feeling like his skin was too tight, but he couldn’t bring himself to wish that he’d stayed in New York. She’d needed him. One last time maybe, for old time’s sake.