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"Star, am I correct?"
He knew she was there before she ever saw him. He knew she was there from the moment that the Kocos first saw her, which was an hour ago. She'd taken her sweet time.
But he figured she was here for him.
"If that's what you want to use." Star returned. Didn't bother calling for a hologram, as he'd done for Hope, or for his friends. There was no point. Sage no doubt saw him more for his file than she did physically, a result of having been born of Cyber Space, really.
"…You do not hold any name in a favorable light." She observed.
"No."
"Star will do." Sage settled, in light of that. "I come… with questions."
Star knew she did. He figured she was trying to hold polite conversation. Because why else would she not just ask him?
He shrugged. "I can answer, sure. Just keep in mind Hope hasn't updated me since he left. So yeah I can tell you how he was feeling when he made certain choices… but I can't tell you how he feels about them now."
He figured that was a fair disclaimer. He… wasn't Hope. Fundamentally he wasn't Hope. He reminded himself of it. He was Hope in every aspect aside from being him.
"…very well. What were you and Sonic doing?" Sage started with.
He huffed. "You mean what we were doing behind everyone's backs?"
"…yes."
"Saving you." Star said simply. He had very little interest in beating around the bush, or lying to Sage. She would have some clue that something had not been right by now. Lying to her would be useless. It was better to try and convince her to just keep quiet. And maybe she'd be grateful. "You died. We were making sure that didn't happen."
She seemed surprised. Shocked. But not as much as she could have been. Like she knew something had happened to her, but not what, how, or when. "…I died."
"I think you can guess that we messed with time." Star clued.
She considered this. "…approximately nine times, as suggested by the abnormal size of your file and when Sonic's odd behavior begun."
"Seven." Star corrected. "Well, you died the first time we saved the world. And Sonic was too selfish to deal with the guilt normally and instead turned back time to save you. We kept going until you lived and The End died."
Sage hesitated at that, messing with her fingers. "…define 'too selfish'."
"When someone dies you're supposed to leave them dead." Star explained. "And deal with the grief. Because dying is part of life, and that's what gives it a meaning. Sonic knows this. And still he felt so guilty that he couldn't stand the feeling and tried to save you again."
"…I see." Sage eventually managed. "…is that why he attempted to stop me from joining the Crane in piloting Supreme?"
"That's how you died the first time, so yeah." Star agreed. He wondered if she understood. Why turning back time was bad. Probably not, given that with Eggman almost everything was game. Maybe she thought it was inefficient, if anything, given Eggman had already had a failed scheme centered all around messing with time.
"…And this attempt was the only one in which the desired conditions were satisfied?
"Yeah."
It was in her eyes. A realization that she'd died six times. Even though it wasn't exactly like that. She'd died two times and then everyone was going to die four times. But in the end that all amounted to her dying or almost dying six total times.
"Sonic did not inform his friends of this. Why?"
"Because he shouldn't have done it. It was an abuse of power."
She took a moment to logic through this. "…are you saying that him using the Chaos Emeralds to rewind time to save me would be regarded on par with father's schemes?"
Star snorted. What a great way to put it. Because it was true. At least to Sonic, it was. "Yup. He shouldn't have done it. He misused power he was trusted with for his own selfish gain."
"I do not understand how subjecting himself to extreme hardships to save the life of someone else could be labeled as selfish." It was a complaint. Star chuckled at it, and looked away.
"It wasn't to save you. It was to ease his own guilt at letting you die." Star explained. "At least that's what Sonic tells himself. What he should tell himself."
Sage stared at him. He laughed, because he could see her confusion, and he knew why. "Sonic's a little messed up in the head, so things don't make sense. He thinks in terms of how selfish he's being. He's always being selfish, but some things make him more selfish and some things make him less selfish. He could give himself a pat in the back for defying time itself to save someone… or he could frame it as being a misuse of power to ease his own guilt. One of those is more selfish than the other, so that's the one he believes. Because he believes he's inherently too selfish."
Sage still stared at him, hands dropping to her side. "That does not make sense. Why opt for the explanation which will cause him more distress?"
"Because he deserves it." Star explained plainly.
Sage frowned. "That is not a satisfying explanation. Can you provide more details?"
"No." Star returned, with a shrug. "That's for him to explain. You'll find out some way eventually. Everyone will."
"Are you not him?" Sage pressed. "You do not have enough individual experiences when compared to all that you have from Sonic to be considered a fully separate entity. As his copy, could you not tell me?"
Star laughed at that. There it was. Sage was onto it. Something she could understand, and also something that Hope's friends would have refused to accept. Something that kept Star pacing and frustrated, that he tried to drill into his own head because sometimes he still fell back on Sonic's habits when he had no reason to.
"I'm not Sonic."
Sage frowned. "I am aware. You are his copy."
"Exactly."
"I don't get it." Sage sounded frustrated now. Which was fair. Star still couldn't find the right words to make the distinction as clear as it had to be.
"I'm Sonic's copy." Star offered, slowly. "On paper, I am exactly like Sonic. I have all the same memories he does. So on paper, I should feel the same that he does. But I know I am not him. I'm a copy. I am not Sonic the Hedgehog, the person. Sonic the Hedgehog, the person, he deserves every horrible thing that comes his way. He deserves to suffer. He's made a mess, and he needs to fix it, and any harm that comes to him while doing that he deserves because he is the person he is. Me? I'm not the same person. I'm a copy. I don't have to deserve any of what he does because I'm not him. I'm free."
Star was aware that he sounded like he was trying to convince himself. Because he was. It was hard to remember, sometimes. Because in every other way that mattered he was just Sonic, he was just a copy of Sonic, and so sometimes… it was hard to remember he was free.
And Sonic was not.
Sage looked away. Shifted. She seemed uncomfortable now, conflicted, confused. "…you speak of him with such disdain."
"I'm his copy." Star returned. Sage was smart enough to figure it out. "I feel everything he feels."
Silence. Clearly, this was not the talk that Sage had come expecting. No one would have. Not from someone who was basically Sonic the Hedgehog. Star was just too bitter, hateful, and disgustingly honest to match what everyone thought Sonic was. And that made for an uncomfortable talk.
"…does he regret saving me?" Sage finally asked. Her voice was quiet. She seemed to be desperately trying to figure out what to think.
And that was the question, wasn't it?
Did Sonic regret it?
"…I don't know." Star returned, quietly but honestly. "He might. He might not. You'll have to ask him. He's… I already said, he's messed up in the head. So I don't know."
Sage looked to him. Cyan eyes seemed to try their best to pry him apart. "…do you regret it?"
A question that ultimately didn't matter. Star wondered if Sage understood the futility of it. Still… he chuckled, and looked away. The sky seemed paler. Probably because the world had clawed down a star kicking and screaming. Not him. But he ached for it as much as he hated it.
"I only regret helping Hope destroy himself. Even if he deserves it. But someone had to. Better it be himself."
Silence enveloped them. Poor Sage, Star felt. What a can of worms Hope had given her. Sage was alive, yes, but at what cost? And it wasn't even her choice. And now she looked in this way, she had this look in her eye, and Star sighed, looking back over. "You can't tell anyone."
Sage shifted uncomfortably. "I feel like given the context of this situation and the information you have revealed, it would be in everyone's best interest I tell someone."
"Hope broke himself to bring you back." Star returned, a bit sharply. "The least you can do is let him do what he wants to himself."
"It isn't in his best interest." Sage protested. "Your attitude mapped over his own raises multiple concerns."
"He's your enemy." Star pointed out.
"I owe him a favor."
"No you don't." Star huffed, voice going sharp. That gave Sage pause. "He did this to you against your will, as well. You didn't choose this. You didn't ask for this. He did this for himself, Sage. You don't owe him anything. And if you really want to owe him something, then owe him your silence."
Sage returned just that. Silence. Shifted backwards.
Star sighed. "…make this easier on him. Just let him have this, Sage. Keep quiet. Already he's terrified of what he has to do. Just make it easier on him."
"…I do not think any of your words mean what you think they do." Sage finally managed, quietly, warrily. "You hate him and you worry for him, and you wish him to suffer and you request I make it easy for him to do so as if it will make him better. You said he is "not right in the head". Based on evidence you have presented… I can conclude that applies to you to."
Star just stared at her. He'd thought that was obvious from the start. Evidently even now, just sharing a face with Sonic was enough to give weight to his fake smiles.
When he didn't say anything, Sage shrunk into herself. Just a little. She looked away, messed with her sleeves, and quietly resolved: "…I will not say anything. For now."
It was the best Star would get from her, and he knew. Better than anything really. And "for now" would hinge on Hope's actions, Star knew. This was out of his hands now. So he just nodded.
And Sage just left.
"Star."
He looked over. Huffed at the two people approaching, curling away again to stare off into an empty grand hall, hiding in Cyber Space as he was.
"…what do you want? Shouldn't you be dead again?"
That gave one of the Ancients pause. Star heard it in the echo of the footsteps. The other didn't stop. Came over and sat down beside him, and wrapped an arm around him and some of the hostility melted from Star's frame, and he slumped against who he knew was the Hermit, because the Hermit was the only one who cherished him so closely so often. Star… appreciated him. He didn't talk much, often lost in thought, and the comfort in Cyber Space was quiet and physical. It didn't feel too much. It felt just enough.
"…don't be rude, Star." The Hermit did quietly admonished. Star, in turn, just shrugged. Looked back at the Ancient behind them still.
The Crane. E'n-ar
"You're abusing your power to be here." Star rebutted.
"I would not call it an abuse of power." E'n-ar returned.
"You're dead." Star spat. "Why not just be normal and let your digital copy do it's thing?"
"…I died here, Star." E'n-ar returned, quietly. "You are telling a ghost not to haunt it's own grave."
Star looked away. The Hermit shifted him a bit closer. "…you are not usually so bothered, Star. You have rarely taken issue with the presence of Cyber Basalt here. You know fae worries for you. What is the matter?"
Cyber Basalt. It had been explained to Star that E'n-ar was the only real ghost here. Fae died in space, and faer body was sealed in Cyber Space. Some god, who E'n-ar was oddly condescending of, had apparently thought it a good consolation prize to make E'n-ar into a rock not unlike the Warp Topaz, or Phantom Ruby, or Chaos Emeralds, or Time Stones. Technically E'n-ar was dead. Technically there was a digital copy of faer. But being the Cyber Basalt fae could visit Cyber Space. Star didn't really understand it.
The way he saw it, E'n-ar had been given power, and fae used it to cheat death millennia after fae had passed. For what? To check in on him?
"…just…pissed at Hope." Star mumbled, looking away. He was projecting his frustrations with Hope again. Often it was on himself he did that. He'd been gently scolded for doing that multiple times now. "…and what he did. What I helped him do."
"What of him, this time?" E'n-ar asked, gently, approaching, sitting down on his other side.
Star looked ahead. "… I mean I guess maybe it's the abuse of power. How he used the Chaos Emeralds. Because everyone trusted him to only ever use those when he needed to. Everyone still trusts him. And…he thought on that at least he was trustworthy before. He knows better now. It bothers him. It pisses me off."
"…is that really it?" Hermit asked him, softly, after a thoughtful hum. It was a simple question, but it seemed to come after much deliberating, as if they had settled on something which Star had not.
It gave him pause. "…what do you mean, is that really it?"
"Is that the root of your issues?" Hermit pressed.
Star looked away. Was it? The abuse of power? No. That wasn't it. Star knew the root of his issues well. He just… didn't like saying it out loud. Because…. well because.
"…it's because Hope hates himself." He mumbled, tucking his knees close, staring at the ground. "…and I don't want to hate myself."
A gentle hand landed on his quills. He looked over at E'n-ar. There was a weight to being considered by E'n-ar. It was a weight, a grounded-ness, that Star himself didn't have. E'n-ar was real. E'n-ar was faerself. And Star couldn't phantom why E'n-ar would care, when presumably, from how fae made it sound, wherever it was that souls went to rest was were fae belonged, and fae had everyone who fae cared about there. Why hang out with digital copies? Outdated imitations of faer friends? Just for him? He wasn't any better than anyone here. He didn't get it.
"So you project on Hope?" E'n-ar asked, gently.
He sighed, looked away, and nodded. "…yeah."
"Do you actually hate him?"
"…no." Star mumbled. "…not really. I feel sorry for him. I… he's… not a person. He's a mistake. He deserves so many horrible things, he deserves all the hurt, all the pain, he deserves it all but… it… it hurts." His voice trembled a little. "…he wants to be a person so bad. He wants to be good enough so bad. He wants to not hurt anymore so bad and… he can't. Because he just… isn't. Someone. He never can. And… I can. I can… just not hurt. I can choose not to hate myself. I can… I can choose to not do things that would hurt me. I can choose to be happy. Just… because I'm not him. I'm… free."
He was free. Sure technically he wasn't. He was a digital copy in a system that would go dormant, he was condemned to only the islands, he couldn't feel alive because he wasn't, and he was effectively immortal so long as Cyber Space could run. But still. He was free of the crushing guilt Hope shouldered. He was free of the debt Hope owed. It was someone else's problem now.
…except now he was in this bizarre spot where he knew Hope had this problem. He knew how much it hurt. He knew Hope didn't deserve help and… it ached to see him hurt. And he couldn't do anything other than enable him.
There was an awkward silence, after he explained. Neither the Hermit nor E'n-ar seemed to know how to approach this.
"…why do you believe Hope is a mistake?" E'n-ar eventually pressed.
Star snorted, but the sound was deeply bitter. "Because Hope believes that. Because he is. He has to be."
"People are not mistakes." E'n-ar tried to echo. No doubt fae knew of his talk with the Tiger. Star scoffed.
"Hope isn't a person." Star returned. "It's not with me you have to waste your time arguing this anyways. It's with Hope. If he ever updates me again you'll just have convinced me for nothing."
Again it shut both of them down, and Star looked off into the distance of the red hall.
"…I'm sorry." He eventually mumbled, sinking against the Hermit. "I'm such a handful. I'm trying not to be."
"It is hard." E'n-ar guessed, assured. "We understand. Hope… has not been in the best headspace for a long time, it appeared. And you inherited that from him. But also a… a desire to be better."
"…yeah." Star managed, softly. Looked over. "I… I want to get better. I want to be happier. I… I don't want to be like Hope anymore."
A hopeless endeavor, ironically enough. Hope would keep coming back to update him. He knew he intended to do so. And whenever Hope did that, any progress he made towards becoming someone else would get wiped. Not from lack of trying. He wouldn't loose any memories. But also he'd gain the latest batch of everything that Hope was, and his sense of self would stutter.
Every update would be a fight to remember. A fight he would keep fighting, because he didn't want to be miserable, but one he didn't know if he could win. He could just keep hating Hope as his anchor. But that was also miserable on it's own.
"You need something to set you apart from Hope." The Hermit eventually settled, quietly and gently.
"…I don't have much." Star mumbled.
"You have things Hope cannot have again." E'n-ar corrected. "You're right in that there's not much you can have, in Cyber Space. But… in Cyber Space we have the past, all that has been uploaded thus far which the systems have been able to maintain. We have things that Hope cannot get back, which only you can have."
"You have an idea." The Hermit observed. E'n-ar nodded.
"…would… whatever you're thinking actually… help?" Star asked, quietly.
"It would set you apart from Hope in a way Hope could never overwrite." E'n-ar offered. Not a promise that it would actually help. Just that it would set him apart. And Star figured maybe that was basically a promise it would help. Anything to differentiate himself. Anything to cling to that wasn't a burning hatred of someone who already hated himself enough to make up for a whole world.
"…what is it, then?" Star pressed.
E'n-ar stood up. The ways E'n-ar interfaced with Cyber Space were bizarre. He'd heard some of the Kocos say that E'n-ar was practically Cyber Space itself, but E'n-ar had also once told him that was not how it worked. That Cyber Space was just something crafted with the aid of the Cyber Basalt, that the Cyber Basalt's domain was much, much bigger than that and by comparison Cyber Space was akin to a single house in a city. And because of that, E'n-ar didn't need the interface. The interface that even all of them, digital ghosts as they were, had to go through, despite being a part of the system. Programs that previously did not exist could appear in seconds, when E'n-ar was around. Fae wasn't some programmer, or anything. Fae was just… the Cyber Basalt. Fae was something very, very important.
Now, something appeared. A 3D model. Lifeless because it was not worn by a digital ghost. But Star understood the intention immediately, because it was a model of Hope. But not exactly Hope. During the final fight against The End, when Hope had been Perfect, he had changed. Star of course had not been able to see it, but he'd reviewed the recordings later. Hope, adorned in golden stars, with a blue scarf.
Cyan eyes. Star wouldn't dwell on them.
This model? This model took those stars, that scarf, and just… attached them to how Star looked right now. Stars. Scarf. Brown eyes.
He wouldn't dwell on those either. Just… stared at the model for now. At the differences.
He could have things Hope would never get back.
"I know your choices on appearance are limited…" E'n-ar managed, softly. "But… perhaps this could help."
He stood. Walked up to the model. He'd say it was bizarre to look at himself like this, but he'd spent so much time with Hope it really wasn't. Contemplated the golden stars inset onto skin, contemplated the torn blue scarf. He reached out to touch the model, but stopped short.
"Do you think it would help?" E'n-ar asked of him.
He considered, quietly. "…I guess. It could. I… can try to make it work."
Anything, any lifeline he could get his hands on, he'd take. Anything to not be Hope. Anything to be himself.
He didn't want to hate himself. He didn't want to hate Hope.
He just wanted to move on.
"I'll upload it to your file, then." E'n-ar gingerly told him. "And you can use it. But promise, please, you will let yourself be helped."
So pointless, in the long-run. He was only a copy of Hope, not the real deal. He could not help but feel as if the Ancients coddled him only because they could not have Hope himself, they could not help Hope himself get better. He was their consolation prize, he was their way of not feeling like they'd just let Hope go off to his own slaughter.
But he supposed if it was pointless, then, it would do no harm. It was… he could enjoy it. Hope wouldn't have deserved it… but for him that was irrelevant.
He felt the shift in his file. The addition of one more appearance he could chose to load. He spared a glance at E'n-ar, who offered an encouraging look, and after a deep breath, made the switch. Closed his eyes, and took the scarf in his hands, feeling it with shaking fingers that slowly steadied. Small differences. But now he had something Hope could never have.
He could enjoy the Ancient's love, as simulated as he himself was.