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Roadrunner (Velocitus Tremenjus) and Wile E. Coyote (Road-Runner Digestus) were a classic and practically perfect duo. Everyone knew them and what they did. The coyote would get up, set a trap for the Roadrunner, and fail horribly everyday. They had been doing it for the past 77 years! Besides their weird adventures like playing basketball with aliens, sueing an international company, and being teachers at a school for their proteges, it had been their own little comfortable routine.
The Roadrunner had gotten especially used to this routine. With his secret but not so secret love for the coyote, getting chased by his one-sided mate was why he got up in the mornings. The thrill of almost being caught and having to constantly evade traps always excited the Roadrunner. In fact, he was proud of his mate for going to such lengths to trap and devour him. Wile E.'s inventions got even more elaborate and impressive every day!
And that's why… today was an absolutely horrible day for the Roadrunner. It was already 10 A.M. and Wile E. hadn't even come out of his cave yet! No piles of bird seed, rocks held up by ropes, magical paintings on the walls, nothing! Absolutely nothing! It was a complete outrage! To the Roadrunner, it seemed like the coyote didn't even value their well thought, very important schedule.
Already fed up with the coyote's tardiness, the Roadrunner grumbled a "Beep, Beep!" to himself and sped off towards Wile. E's cave. As he ran, he thought about possible reasons as to why Wile E. could be missing. Was he caught up in another lawsuit? Well was no way that could happen. Who in the world would Wile E. even sue? The Generic Brand for working too well? Psh, that brought back memories. The coyote was so close to catching Roadrunner that he had the bird toasting over a fire! Too bad the rope he had used to tie Roadrunner up was ACME brand.
Maybe he was another one of his… eugh, Bugs Bunny phases. That rabbit was such a nuisance and was always making moves on HIS mate! That one day where the Roadrunner had quote, "sprained a giblet cornering a sharp curve," was the worst possible day he could have missed. The bunny had told Roadrunner he would to fill in for Wile E. just to keep him entertained. But what was it that he didn't tell the Roadrunner? It was how he would kiss the coyote FOUR times! And Bugs barely even knew him!
Snapping out of his unusually angry trance, the Roadrunner came to a screeching halt to the entrance of Wile E.'s cave. He immediately noticed how there were no sounds of drilling or loud blowtorching as per usual. Instead, music from a TV was bouncing off the walls. If he squinted, Roadrunner could see the coyote sitting in a comfortable looking lazy boy with his feet rested on his square TV and a newspaper in his hands.
Roadrunner casually strolled in, assuming they were having a truce at the moment considering that Wile E. wasn't even trying to catch him. He walked over next to Wile E. and waited for him to look up from the newspaper… and waited… and waited. Jesus christ, was his age catching up to him already? Sticking his beak right into the coyote's ear, he let out a loud and impatient "BEEP!".
Wile E.'s soul practically jumped out of his body and his newspaper went flying. When he landed back onto his chair, the handle shot up and the chair snapped him between the cushions like a waffle maker. His limbs were even sticking out from the cushions like a dead little roach. Stifling a laugh, Roadrunner used his talon to push the handle back down and untrap the coyote. Wile E. had to plug his nose and violently exhale to re-inflate himself.
Aggressively snatching the newspaper off the floor, Wile E. pulled out a sign from behind his back that were decorated in big bold letters. It read;
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Roadrunner scoffed, appalled at the obvious question. For a self proclaimed genius Wile E. certainly lacked common sense.
YOU KNOW WHAT I WANT.
He flipped the sign with a glare.
YOU AREN'T CHASING ME.
The coyote had once again shoved his face into the newspaper, but Roadrunner could just tell he looked unamused.
ITS MY OFF DAY.
Wile E. flipped the sign.
ACME LAWSUIT WAS STRESSFUL.
The Roadrunner couldn't believe what he was reading—despite his inability to actually read. He's seriously using the excuse of the ACME lawsuit overworking him? That had been a week ago! Also, why not just TELL Roadrunner he was taking a single off day? Leaving him waiting around since 7 A.M. just for a single trap was so unbelievably unprofessional. It was like he didn't even value their very not one-sided relationship!
Scoffing loudly, Roadrunner stomped his feet against the hard rock floor impatiently. Fine. If the coyote really wanted to be like that, then he could have his off day! See how he likes being hunted…
It had been a very long time since the Roadrunner had tried setting up his first and only trap for his beloved coyote. Some female coyote (that just looked like Wile E. with boobs and a dress) had wandered her way into their side of the desert and had Wile E. literally drooling over her. To be completely honest, the Roadrunner had been extremely jealous for the female coyote. That was HIS mate and only HE could be drooled over! Even if it was for different reasons.
So, he half-heartedly made a dart "trap" that horrifically backfired on him and he decided to never make another trap again. But this was a special occasion! His second ever trap would be his most successful yet. When leaving the coyote's cave, the Roadrunner swiftly grabbed a piece of chalk and a couple of blank blueprints as he left. Surely Wile E. wouldn't mind… or notice. Hopefully.
Roadrunner abruptly stopped in the middle of the empty road and pinned the blueprint to the ground with his foot. Hmm… what's something the coyote would do?
…Aha! A light blub appeared above his head and he quickly began to sketch down his plan.
Now, Roadrunner isn't a genius or an inventor like Wile E. by any means. He really just knew how to cleverly avoid Wile E.'s traps and that's about it. But how hard could it really be to make a trap? Just attach a lever to a fishing pole and snatch up the coyote. It was simple as that. He might have done one of those traps that involved crushing someone with a boulder, but Roadrunner wasn't trying to cook and eat Wile E. by any means. Just catch him and make him start a chase!
Standing near the edge of the cliff, the Roadrunner had his talon resting on the lever. He could see Wile E. walking on the road with the same large newspaper held in his paws. He slowly approached, completely unaware that he was the bait on the hook this time! Or, well, he would be soon.
When he finally walked right under the trap, Roadrunner pulled the lever down with all his might. The fishing rod unfurled as quick as lightning and swung towards the coyote. Right when the Roadrunner thought he would get his hands on the coyote, the hook zoomed straight past Wile E. and went up into the sky. Oh… guess his timing had been off. The Roadrunner supposed that made sense considering how impatient he was.
What the Roadrunner had definitely not accounted for was the hook swinging back down and coming right at him. He was too busy being entranced by the coyote's gait to zoom out of the way like he usually does. Its sort of an autopilot thing.
Right before the bulbous part of the fishing hook slammed into Roadrunner's head, a startled "BEEP, BEEP!" escaped his throat. It knocked him off his thin little feet, and he was pushed onto the hard and rocky desert floor. The tall bump that the hook had left in its wake painfully ached, making the Roadrunner doubt his own plans. If a genius that was much more muscular, cunning, and larger than him couldn't make a successful trap, how could he?
…Well, seems like he would just have to suck it up. What else would he do all day without Wile E. chasing him? Run around the desert with no goal? Like hell he would do that again! And also, what's one little failure? He still has some non-lethal tricks up his sleeve.
He zoomed away and pulled out a new blueprint, so many new ideas flooding through his birdy brain. How could he choose just one? There were just a countless amount of ways to get his mate back!
This trap would surely work. Sure, it was a bit convoluted. But the Roadrunner had faith!
The idea had come to him about an hour after his first trap. He had spotted Wile E. lounging around on a white beach chair with a coconut full of milk by his side. Perhaps he was trying to imitate that thing the other Tunes called… what was it again? Oh, yeah! A "vacation". Roadrunner wasn't very sure what a "vacation" was. Wile E.'s friends seemed very fond of this odd holiday, constantly complaining about how they didn't get any.
Maybe that's what Wile E. wanted himself? A vacation… from the Roadrunner?
No, no way! He was just overthinking things. His mate would never want a vacation away from their beautiful, healthy relationship. Roadrunner shook off that horrible idea and instead tried to focus on his new trap. It had taken a bit to set up but he was proud of his work regardless.
Wile E. was still resting on his lounge chair while taking the occasional sip from his coconut. Sneaking up behind the coyote as slowly as he could, the Roadrunner swiped the match in his beak across the surface of the bomb in his talons. The wick quickly lit on fire at contact with the match. Roadrunner hastily placed it inside of the coconut drink then sped off to his station at the rope.
Quickly recognizing the familiar sizzling of a bomb, Wile E. lifted up his sunglasses and glanced over at the drink. His mouth produced a horrible shriek that echoed across the desert. The coyote even picked up the bomb out of instinct and seemingly regretted that decision the moment he had made it. Fumbling with it from paw to paw like it was a hot potato, he eventually lifted his scraggly leg and used his foot to kick the thing over and behind his head in a panic.
The Roadrunner watched as it came hurling right to where he was standing. He tried to zoom away, but no matter what direction he sped off to, it followed him like a missile. The bomb eventually landed right on top of his head and exploded with an ear-piercing scream. Ash and sand floated through the air and covered everything in sight.
Once the smoke cleared, all that was left was an unused cage hanging in the sky, an empty beach chair with no coyote in sight, and a Roadrunner covered head-to-toe in suffocating gray ash.
Well… that could have gone worse! If it had been Wile E. setting the trap the cage probably would have found a way to backfire and trap him instead. Maybe something else would have somehow exploded. Roadrunner huffed and noticed the familiar tracks of a coyote in the sand that had looked to be hurry with its long strides.
The Roadrunner shook off all the ash covering his body and angrily whipped out another blank blueprint. The chalk hanging out from his beak snapped from the pressure.
At this point, the Roadrunner couldn't care less for how dangerous his traps were. He was fed up with these failures! If four in a row was making him this impatient, he couldn't even imagine how determined Wile E. was to catch him.
From the top of the mountain, Wile E. looked like a little ant walking down on that road. The Roadrunner pulled out a pair of binoculars from behind his back and doubled in on the coyote. He was taking a peaceful, mid-day stroll when the smell of fresh meat looked to stop him dead in his tracks. His pupils dilated wider than a bowling ball and he instinctively scrambled towards the delightful aroma.
Stopping where the smell got the strongest, Wile E. found himself right in front of a plate with a big, juicy, bright red steak just right out in the open. It was… for the taking? Right there?! Just for… anyone to grab. Even a starved and mischievous coyote?
Hah, you really thought he was that naive? Of course he wouldn't fall for such an obvious trap. But, well, who would set a trap for HIM? Surely not the Roadrunner… Oh, who was he kidding? Wile E. wanted that succulent and fresh cut of meat all for himself!
That's totally what Wile E. was thinking right now! The Roadrunner could read Wile E. like an open book. The way his coyote's head seemed to be on a swivel was telling of just how tempted he seemed to be. Personally, Roadrunner was never this tempted by the coyote's bird seed traps. He just simply fell for that part of the trap for the free snacks. But the Roadrunner knew Wile E. was a sucker for food and would do anything for a fresh pile of meat, in the middle of the desert no less.
Roadrunner watched as Wile E. snatched up the steak in his hands and rabidly tore it apart. He was even shaking it around like a dog, maybe in a way that was a bit unsettling. But there was no time to dwell on the coyote's scary way of eating! Throwing his binoculars to the side, Roadrunner used his head to push the giant boulder off the cliff. After some struggle, it easily slid off the edge and started to hurl down at an unimaginable speed.
…Now that his trap was in motion and there was absolutely no way of going back, the Roadrunner only then began to second guess his plans. Wasn't the whole point of this to just get the coyote to play with him again? Not harm him, just trap him and get him mad? Like, mad enough to chase the Roadrunner and not put him out of commission the entire day?
…
Oh dear god! Was he snooping down to Wile E.'s level already?! There was no way the coyote could zoom away in time to avoid the boulder hurdling his way! Sure, he would be completely fine since they're Tunes. But contrary to popular belief, they still had very realistic and not so cartoonish feelings. If the coyote found out he had been violently crushed by the Roadrunner there was no way he would still want to be mates!
An excruciating feeling of panic settled deep in his gut that made him lightheaded. Before he even knew it, he jumped off his feet with a panicked "Beep, Beep!" and raced down the mountain. Luckily this mountain had convenient spiral roads leading down to the ground so Roadrunner could easily bolt towards the coyote. His legs carried him faster than he ever had gone before, creating smothering clouds of white ash that trailed behind him.
Wile E. was still choking down the meat before he looked up, suddenly noticing the enormous boulder coming straight for him. He didn't even attempt to run away considering how close to crashing down on him it was. Just accepting his fate of being injured was a whole part of the routine.
Before the coyote could even look at the camera defeatedly, a blur of blue feathers crashed into him and sent the two flying down the concrete roads.
Just as he rammed into the coyote, he heard the boulder crash down and crack the road beneath his feet. They both tumbled down the mountain like a tumbleweed in a desert storm. The two came to a quick and very painful stop at the bottom of the mountain.
Looking down, the Roadrunner found himself sat right on Wile E.'s chest. The look on the coyote's face said nothing else but absolutely baffled. He weakly pulled a sign out from behind his back.
WHAT WAS THAT??
The Roadrunner took a moment to think of a response. To be honest, he was still a bit shocked himself.
SAVING YOU.
The sign flipped slowly, his wing shaking.
…from my own trap?
Wile E. stared at him while somehow looking even more confused than before. Shaking his head, he abruptly shoved the bird off his chest. The Roadrunner expected Wile E. to be absolutely furious with him. After all, what kind of fool did he have to be to try and—despite how impossible it was—kill his beloved coyote? If Wile E. had gotten mad at him, the Roadrunner would have no one to chase him… FOREVER! He would be stuck running roads with no purpose at all!
Instead, Roadrunner whipped his head around at the sound of Wile E. laughing. He found himself completely unamused. Could the coyote take anything seriously?
NOT FUNNY. THIS IS SERIOUS!
An aggravated "Beep!" left his beak as the coyote wiped the tears out of his eyes and turned to the Roadrunner. He had a huge smile on his face.
USING MY OWN TACTICS ON ME?
Wile E. flipped the sign with a smirk.
IM FLATTERED! MAYBE JUST ASK TO SWITCH ROLES NEXT TIME?
Roadrunner turned his head away in embarrassment. Well, even if he was getting humiliated by his darling coyote, at least Wile E. wasn't mad at him like he had feared. He spun back towards Wile E. with a soft, tender look.
STILL MATES?
The coyote smiled and pulled out a sign of his own.
STILL MATES.
…Until his smile turned into an extremely worried look.
WAIT. MATES???