Chapter Text
“Kill me,” Yuugo begs. “Please. I don't care how you do it, just kill me. I don't even care if it's messy.”
The voice from his earbud sounds distinctly unimpressed. “You haven't even made it inside the hall yet.”
“But I don't wanna go.” Yuugo proceeds to glower at everything in sight, particularly at the other contestants that are slowly pulling in. And the news trucks. National coverage. On television! His hands go to grip the armrests as he digs his heels in. He is not leaving this car. “This is a bad idea No, this-- this idea is shit . My cover’s gonna be blown sky high as soon as I step through those doors!”
“Can you just relax?” his handler sighs. “We didn't have another choice. We’re short-staffed as it is. It'll be over in a couple weeks.”
“Weeks,” Yuugo repeats it like it's a death sentence. “You can't expect me to keep this up for weeks !”
“It's not that bad.”
Yuugo slams a fist against one of the bulletproof windows and makes a couple of angry gestures, forgetting that he couldn't actually be seen. “They waxed my fucking legs!”
“Among other places, yes. I've heard. At length,” comes the exasperated response. “I'm sure you look fine .”
“Fine? Fine?!” Yuugo splutters. “You know what? Fuck you, fuck you, Kurosaki. We’ll see how ‘fine’ you look when I strap you in a chair and rip every single fucking hair off your balls with a tweezer!”
“I’m hanging up,” Kurosaki replies, deadpan. “Have fun.”
“No -- wait, I’m sorry,” Yuugo apologizes hastily, holding his hands together as if in prayer. “I'll go crazy if I'm in there by myself. Please don't go. I need you.”
He hears a quiet groan and the telltale sound of Kurosaki’s palm smacking against his forehead. He’s going to have a permanent mark there at this rate. “Just. Go do your job. Remember, the safety of the contestants depend on it.”
Yuugo sighs and valiantly resists the urge to drag his hands over his face and ruin his make-up. He had been scolded enough times. To the point he can still feel the phantom ache in his fingers from being smacked.
“I get it, I get it,” he says despondently, thumping his head on the back of his seat. He takes a deep, steadying breath and expels it through his nose. “No… I gotta face this. Like a man.”
Ignoring the deep irony in that statement, Yuugo pushes open the car door and steps out into the sun.
And his long evening gown billows after him.
Snow-white with layers of translucent chiffon in a hi-low hem falls around his thighs, accentuating the pale curve of his smooth, completely hairless calves. Hours of brushing and judicious application of hairspray means that his normally unmanageable spikes now fall around his shoulders in soft, silky curls. Big, crystal blue eyes peer out from beneath naturally full lashes that are even fuller from with mascara. A touch of shimmery lip gloss and a white silk ribbon around his neck completes the look.
Basically, at this moment, Yuugo is so far from resembling a man that it causes him physical pain. But he sets his jaw and squares his shoulders as marches up to his humiliating fate.
His conviction lasts for all of three minutes until he nearly trips on the steps at the front entrance, his ankles bending hazardously in his elegant, strappy heels.
“... I’m gonna die,” he whispers in horror.
Eventually, Yuugo makes it to the reception hall, all too aware of the stunning beauties milling around. He is so out of his depth that it’s not even funny.
He doesn’t have the first clue as to what he’s doing. A last minute reshuffling meant that Rin, the original case agent on this job became unavailable and Yuugo had been called into the Boss’s office.
“Hm. You’d fit a size zero, wouldn’t you?”
Yuugo remembers feeling a chill go down his back at that cryptic greeting, a feeling that only grew worse from there. Almost immediately afterward, he had been whisked away to the most hellish boot camp in the world where they tried to carve about fifteen years of knowledge of all things girlish into his body. He had been scrubbed from head to toe, forced to walk around in stilettos with volumes of encyclopedias on his head, and had every last trace of his male dignity stripped away.
Though, by far, the worst part by far had been when they made him try on the dresses .
“That’s a relief,” the agent in charge of disguises had said as they poked him full of pins. “Looks like we can get away with minimal alterations. You’re lucky you’re about the same size as Rin since we already had the costumes premade. It’s a bit tight around the hips, though.”
Yuugo certainly doesn’t feel lucky.
His debrief had been as follows: apparently, Miss Universe candidates have been dropping like flies. Conveniently coming down with rare illnesses, hospitalized from freak accidents, until eventually, the runner-up from last year's Miss Heartland had been found floating face down in a hotel bathtub. It didn't take a genius to begin speculating; the net had been buzzing with conspiracy nut job theories for months.
So naturally, the organizers decided to hire a private security firm for insurance. And while posting guards everywhere is all and good, it doesn't beat having an agent on the inside that could keep tabs on the contestants. Go places that no one else could go. And on the off chance that one of them turned out to be a killer, who better to weed them out?
For strategic reasons, only the owner knows that one of the contestants is a plant. As far as anyone else knows, their agent would have passed through the private screening process just like any other candidate.
There is just one glaring problem; there's no way that Yuugo can possibly look like anything other than a dude in a dress. With luck, Yuugo won't even get past the preliminaries and he can rip off this horrible dress and go back to being the man he is inside. Hell, maybe they'll throw him out at the door and spare him any further humiliation.
“Ah, Miss Yuuko, from Satellite City,” the guy at the reception greets him as he claims his participant's badge. #15. It feels more like a prisoner's barcode than anything. “You look even lovelier in person.”
Yuugo nearly drops the badge. “T-T-Thanks...?” he stutters out, taking a couple steps back. Lovely ? Did this guy forget to bring his eyes? Who exactly does he think he’s calling ‘ lovely’ ?!
The receptionist smiles and leans in closer and makes Yuugo’s skin crawl. “Is this your first time participating? Don't worry, I'm sure someone as cute as you will do just fine.”
Yuugo manages to out something incomprehensible before immediately beating a hasty retreat, his heart hammering in his chest the whole time.
“Oh my god, that was so weird,” he mutters to himself, clutching his purse to his chest.
He ends up jumping when Kurosaki’s dry voice blares across the comms, “Aren't you popular.”
The only reason why Yuugo doesn't call him mean names out loud because the interview hall is full of people . Real girls, all dressed up to the nines with perfect hair and gorgeous makeup, chatting idly on benches as they awaited their turns before the judges. Yuugo’s jaw nearly drops at seeing so many of them in a room at once. It makes sense since this area is restricted for candidates. A quick glance tells him there are at least thirty girls here.
But the contest will feature just eight.
Apparently, a few of them had caught his wide-eyed terror, judging by the disdainful looks and sneers that are beginning to be sent his way. He hurriedly gathers up the pieces of his composure and plunks himself down on a mostly-empty bench in the back, all the while feeling completely sorry for himself. All the judges would have to be blind, deaf, and stupid to put him through to the finals.
If it were Rin, she would win their hearts in a heartbeat. If it were Rin, in Yuugo’s heavily biased opinion, she would win it all.
This is discrimination, he decides. Discrimination against short and ever so slightly effeminate agents. He'd love for Kurosaki to get saddled with something like this. Just once.
“So, ” a voice suddenly speaks up. “Who are you supposed to be?”
Yuugo blanches ever so subtly as he looks up, half expecting to see a group of armed security guards waiting to escort him out.
But instead, staring down at him with various degrees of disdain and amusement are two tall, drop-dead gorgeous girls with hair and legs that seem to go on forever. One blond and one silver and both look like they just stepped out of a high fashion magazine with their matching gowns. Next to them, Yuugo couldn’t be more out of place if he tried.
“Um,” he says.
The golden one sneers openly while the other who looks like could be her sister giggles, a soft, musical sound that resembles the tinkling of bells.
“I don’t remember seeing you at the preliminaries.” Blondie’s voice is practically dripping with disdain as she takes a step closer and puts a hand on her hip. Her shoulders are squared for what is probably maximum intimidation. Although it also has the side effect of showing off her, um, assets. Which Yuugo is definitely not staring at. Nope. Not at all. “How exactly did a little nobody like you get through, hm?”
Yuugo sort of just gapes up at her in response. Luckily, he is spared from answering when the silver one giggles again and steps forward to press an impeccably manicured finger to his cheek.
“Aw, don’t bully her too much, Gloria,” she says, sounding nearly friendly if it wasn’t for the slightly unsettling glint in her eyes. “She’s so… small. And cute. Not like an adult at all.”
Blondie, who is apparently called Gloria, scoffs, and her gaze seems to travel down to Yuugo’s… chest? “She’s small alright. It’s a wonder you made it to the preliminaries at all.”
For some reason, Yuugo gets the vague impression that he’s being made fun of, but he can’t exactly pinpoint why. Well, it’s not like any guy would be happy to be called small and cute but at the moment, he’s not supposed to be a guy.
“But her skin is so soft,” Silver practically coos as she pokes his cheek harder. As much as Yuugo really wants her to stop doing that , he’s also sort of scared shitless about blowing his cover. He’ll never hear the end of it from anyone . Not the boss, not Rin, and especially not goddamn Kurosaki Shun. “What’s your secret?”
What is his secret? “I… drink milk?” Yuugo ends up stammering out the first thing on his mind and almost immediately regrets it.
“Hmph. I’m sure that’s what you did,” Blondie sneers with a toss of her hair that Yuugo couldn’t help but follow the cascading golden strands with his eyes. “Just a word of advice. Don’t think that your milk-drinking is going to win you any points here today. You’re just going to have to pick up a new talent.”
With that cryptic response, the girl flounces off with her sister in tow and a far too pleased expression on her face. Leaving Yuugo sitting awkwardly by himself on the bench and wondering what just happened to him. He plays the encounter back in his head a few times but it seems to make less sense each time he replays it. Kurosaki snickering in his ears also doesn’t help.
He vaguely notices that the contestants that had been in earshot have now turned away to whisper amongst themselves and giggle into their hands. And they’re all staring at him, in an odd, deliberate way that makes him feel like he’s being judged.
Real girls are terrifying, he concludes, sinking further down into himself.
It’s almost a blessing when his number is finally called and he literally can’t get out of there fast enough.
Although, it might actually be a case of ‘out of the frying pan, into the heart of an exploding supernova’.
The last time he felt this nervous, Yuugo thinks as he stands before the panel of five judges, was when he had nearly been gunned down by a firing squad whilst on assignment in the Sargasso. He surreptitiously checks to make sure his legs aren’t shaking as he forces himself into the chair. And very deliberately does not look into the cameras.
“So, Miss Yuuko,” one of the judges. “Why don’t you tell us a little about yourself? Why did you decide to join this pageant?”
Yuugo takes a deep breath and reaches for the introduction he had painstakingly memorized. And comes up blank.
There is a long, awkward pause as he stares up at them in horror.
“Miss… Yuuko?” the judge tries again at the same time as Kurosaki hisses, “Yuugo, if you fuck this up, then so help you.”
Yuugo squares his shoulders and sets his jaw. There’s no way he can afford to just sit here like an idiot when Kurosaki fucking Shun is listening in.
He prays for strength.
During his boot camp from hell, they had swiftly discovered that getting Yuugo to act with any degree of femininity or display any qualities that a winning beauty pageant contestant ought to have… was frankly impossible.
However, Yuugo does have two saving graces. One, he loves mimicry and two, he grew up with the cutest girl in the history of the world.
Unleashing one of Rin’s soft, bashful smiles, he cocks his head to the side while twirling a strand of hair around his fingers as he proceeds to channel his best friend like his life depends on it.
“I’m Yuuko, from Satellite,” he says demurely with his hands in his lap, peering up at them through his lashes like Rin did when she was feeling shy. His voice somehow manages to come out in the soft alto that he had spent ages practicing and he can slowly feel his nerves steadying.
He draws an inconspicuous breath and closes his eyes. He pictures Rin’s smiling face, encouraging him on.
When he opens them again, determination settles over his features.
“My hometown isn’t very big, or prosperous. Just the opposite. The orphanage I was raised in was always trying to make ends meet and there wasn’t always enough food to go around. When I was growing up, I always dreamed of being someone. To go places and to see the world. And I guess, I wanted to show the other kids back home that you can make your dreams come true. That we can be anything we want.”
He flushes a little when he realizes he’s completely gone off script and it sounds startlingly sincere, even to him. Because every word of it is true. Although, he never quite pictured himself to be… here . In a goddamn dress.
Hastily, he adds, “S-So, being here today… and maybe winning Miss Universe will make that dream come true.”
When the only thing that meets his monologue is silence, Yuugo looks up nervously. The dazed expressions on the judge’s faces are not at all encouraging. Were they falling asleep? One of them even noticeably shakes himself, before stretching his lips into a trembling smile. And his eyes are watery . Was he bad enough to make them cry?!
“Miss Yuuko,” the judge says and Yuugo nearly flinches. “I think I speak for everyone here but… we would like to extend to you our warmest welcomes and we sincerely hope you enjoy your stay here in Maiami City.”
“Um. T-Thanks?” Yuugo says, blinking slowly. Now that he takes a closer look, the judges are all faintly smiling. Some of them even look a little red.
The nerve-wracking interview continues just as strangely from there.
To ‘Who is the most influential person in his life?’, he doesn’t hesitate to talk about Rin, practically glowing as he chatters about how the two of them did absolutely everything together. Obviously, he has to leave out the finer points, like infiltration and espionage and the odd assassination. At ‘What would you do with a million dollars?’, he has to think on it, but in the end, he decides that he’d like to donate the funds to funding orphanages in his hometown to make living conditions better. But if there was anything left over, he would love to take Rin to see Paris.
But for some baffling reason, no matter what he says, the judges all end up smiling at him and nodding as they jot down notes which really makes it difficult for him to tell how he’s doing. By the time it’s all over, he really hopes that the cold sweat on his neck isn’t visible.
“Thank you so much for coming, Miss Yuuko. It was a pleasure to meet such a sweet, conscientious young lady as yourself. Please, return to the waiting area to await the results.”
Yuugo just nods along with Rin’s warm smile plastered over his own lips as he mumbles back some kind of pleasantry. He’s out of his seat and down the hall the instant the judge finishes talking.
As soon as he’s alone, Yuugo collapses against the wall, hands clutching his purse like a lifeline as he tries to catch his breath.
“Never again,” he wheezes, seeing his life flash before his eyes. His ass feels numb from sitting on that godawful chair and his ankles are starting to swell up from rubbing against the straps too much.
He groans into his hands. “Shit, I totally blew that, didn’t I? I couldn’t remember a damn thing . I spent hours memorizing Rin’s notes! She’s gonna kill me, isn’t she?”
Yuugo pauses, taking a moment out of his misery to prod at one of his earbuds to check that they were still on. Kurosaki had been oddly silent. Normally, he isn’t one to waste a chance to tell Yuugo exactly what he thought of him.
“Uh, Kurosaki...?”
After another awkward pause, since Kurosaki apparently fancies himself the King of stilted silences and misunderstandings, he hears him clear his throat. “You… didn’t do as bad as I thought you would.”
“Wow, thanks.” Yuugo groans and rubs at his temples. Of course. Only an idiot would expect something like sympathy from someone that emotionally constipated. “I told you this was a shitty idea. Next time you can wear the fucking dress.”