Archive of Our Own

There was a disease growing in Rudo’s brain.

That was a different way of saying that there was a dilemma.

No. Scratch that, there was an error in the system, a flunk. Like something coded wrong, a flatline that accidentally beeped, the kind of shadow you see pass by in the corner of your eye yet when you turn to look, nothing is there.

The flunk, as he’d so politely call it, had always been there. Not always, but– long enough to be considered semi-permanent ( which was only with the hope that it wasn’t permanent-permanent ), so that wasn’t particularly the dilemma he had going on.

See the thing was, Rudo Surebrec, at seventeen years old, practically an adult, had come somewhat to terms with the way his brain would.. slide. Slip, if you may.

Not because he ever wanted to come to terms with it, not really anyway, because coming to terms also meant accepting, and while there was an argument to be made that Rudo was getting more comfortable, he’d never accept it. He could admit that it happened, could learn not to ignore it, but acceptance would never be a part of his schedule with his brain — shame always boiled hot within him. How could he accept something that made him feel so filthy?

But, yes. Rudo had learnt to live with it ( he’d lived with it since he was twelve, but back then he had Regto by his side. He never learned how to live with it alone, and then he had to relearn living with it in general after coming to ground ) because he could go to Enjin, to Zanka, to Riyo, he could even go to Gris ( and technically August, but those were days rather rare, given everything ), to Follo if no one else was around— point was, Rudo had a support system. All of them did, everyone had each other's backs.

So Rudo had learned to tug on a shirt like he did with Regto when he had been but a mere child, he would be less verbal, unless it was one of the slip-up’s that resulted in a meltdown where he managed to ramble because his brain needed a word-vomit to not explode. Though, small Rudo’s rambles didn’t even cover the base of a normal conversation for most, really, he was so quiet. 

He had never spoken a lot as a kid, was the thing.

It kind of came with the territory of everything, the bullying, the being an orphan thing, all of the things that wound Rudo’s brain up to be something different than everybody else’s. Small, fragile, loud.

His brain was a constant loud, an opposite to his own physical being which remained silent as ever, communicating through hand gestures and badly executed facial expressions. Regto usually understood, though moving to ground after his death meant meeting new people, and having them learn his tells as well. It was just hard, and he really tried to talk! He’d reply, even go as far as to ask a question, but a lot of the time, Rudo really just wanted silence from his own mouth, like if his lips had been sewn together.

It was easier with his immediate family, the people he lived with — with them, Rudo could actually become quite the loudmouth, yelling at Zanka, long conversations with Riyo, always indulging in talking because he was.. comfortable. Sort of. Comfortable was a scary word and one he didn’t dare to use, but there weren't many other ways to describe his current state of life. With everyone else, though, Rudo was quiet as a mouse, distrustful.

Back to the flunk, so Rudo knew he regressed.

Most people did, by now. In case his main caretakers ( he fucking despised ever having to explain them as such, those people were his family, but he couldn’t deny that when he was small, they were the first ones to jump at the chance of taking care of him. Riyo particularly found small Rudo adorable ) were unavailable, and so on.

Most people accepted it too, supported it, whatever! 

That didn’t mean Rudo had to, or ever would come to. His ‘acceptance’ was allowing it to happen when it was forced out of him, and going to get Enjin. That was the most he was willing to, everything else seemed far too disturbing, and he didn’t want to be seen as a child, because he wasn’t! 

Just because he sometimes was, didn’t mean.. 

And, and Rudo wasn’t supposed to be. Not this week, not this fucking week because it was the first week of being a senior. Really, he just didn’t have the time to worry about being five years old and breaking his skull, he had to be big and brave to show Amo around now that she was finally able to come to school. He had to be big and brave because Guita and Remlin were freshmen now, which meant they transferred to his school. 

He had to be big, and fucking brave, because this was the first year where Zanka and Riyo wouldn’t be there.

Before, if everything was too much, he could at least eat at the cafeteria with them, or he could ask one of them to call Enjin because Rudo never had enough courage to do it himself.

Now he had to wander the halls alone ( not really alone, Amo would be there, but she didn’t know. How could she? Rudo had never told her ) and it was all just a lot to focus on. So much, that he, under all circumstances, did not have time to worry about being a sobbing child. A coughing baby, if you so will.

But the week didn’t only entail first senior week! It also, later on, included Rudo’s guardian being the biggest idiot in history, and getting himself hospitalized during a mission.

So, things were looking up.

Not.

____________________

MONDAY 

Monday rolled around surprisingly easy.

Easy as it could be to open your eyes with the expectation of your first day back at school, at least.

Rudo had expected either a restless night, nightmares, or waking up with a flare-up. It was prone to happen, usually — the universe was always against him ( or on his side, depending on the perspective ) when it came to these things. 

He had a presentation coming up that he didn’t wanna do? Somehow he managed to wake up with his arms hurting so badly that he couldn’t even push himself upright. So the universe gave a bit of mixed signals, giving him a way out but with a price to pay.

Yet the boy managed to easily roll out of bed, making his way into the open space of their living room, beeline for the kitchen. He’d never been a kid great at remembering meals, and all things food ( except for sweets, it was like his sweet tooth was his main nerve in his brain ) , but Enjin had set up a breakfast deal so the kids under his care wouldn’t lose their mind on zero food all day. Precautions, he said. “You don’t have to eat in the mornings, wait if you need to, but everybody comes sit by the table just in case”. 

The entire household seemed done over by the early morning except for Riyo, who was happily talking with hand gestures and a bright smile.

Typical.

Enjin nodded along, looking tired enough for little bubbles to be popping by his head. He wasn’t a morning person, but he’d drown in enough coffee for a heart attack so that by the time everyone else got up, he wouldn’t impromptu pass out.

Zanka? Head on the table, practically snoring. 

His fingers twitched around his own mug of coffee, less strong than Enjin’s but in all honesty, no amount of caffeine could save his sleepy ass regardless. 

After Rudo grabbed his breakfast, he walked over to sit by the table with the others, dragging his knees up to his chest. He tilted his head, a little huff, “two months of not doing anything, and he still acts like waking up at seven is a death sentence. Lazy loser.” — he evidently ignored his yawn mid through the sentence.

“Be.. nice to your brother..” Enjin slurred tiredly, not actually caring whether or not they were nice to each other as long as nobody got real hurt. He just had the occasional sense to be parental as their guardian, usually after being around Gris for too long. He was much too used to their bickering ( and often a part of it ) to care whether or not the kids were mean to one another. “Y’know our Zan isn’t a morning bird.”

“‘n y’are..?” Zanka mumbled from the table, gently raising his head, drool running down from the corner of his mouth. Finally getting the world back into focus, he noticed Rudo’s presence at last, and squinted his eyes, “yo, pipsqueak. Excited for.. wha’ ‘s it? Junior?”

“I’m a senior you fuck!” Rudo growled, threatening Zanka by standing up, making himself bigger. Rudo was sort of always making himself bigger. 

In the sense of all things, physically, mentally — Rudo was always a little smaller than he appeared to be, wanting to look big, like a red panda holding up their arms in hope of becoming a threat, but instead they look like an adorable little thing. It was infuriating.

“Right, all big and scary..” his brother deadpanned, raising an eyebrow as he wiped his face, blinking to adjust to the world again. Zanka didn’t know when he practically mocked Rudo’s thoughts ( and insecurities ) right to his face, because he was so used to teasing his brother. Rudo didn’t mention it. “What you gonna do without me an’ Riyo by your side?” 

A minor silence fell over the table when Rudo sat back down, scratching at the back of his neck. He cleared his throat, shrugging as he crossed his arms, “like I need you guys around.”

Did he? Probably. 

Rudo would be fine without them, he was almost an adult, and it wasn’t like they were conjoined at the hip. The three only managed to eat lunch together, or seek one of the others out in times of need — some days, they didn’t even cross paths! Rudo had friends, Zanka had friends, Riyo had friends. He didn’t need anyone.

“You’re gonna be fine, Ru.” Enjin ruffled his hair as he stood up, following with a stretch and a yawn, “Riyo will drive you t’school, gotta meet up with Semiu ‘bout our mission. She’ll kick my ass if I’m not there in…” Enjin checked his watch, his face falling in a groan, “uuuggghhh, I’m late already! Good day at school, Ru!”

__________

It was fine.

It was fine.

It was fine.

Rudo was just so fine.

He’d managed to distract himself with showing Amo around, given that their professors allowed it ( trauma excuses and all, Amo says they work when you play your cards right ) and asking her minuscule questions, like what her favorite subject was during online school, and what she thought of this and that teacher.

“Nooo, I dunno,” Amo sighed, looking around the cafeteria, “I mean! She seemed sweet when Dad took me here, Amo liked her, but today she looked like she didn’t like me lots..” the girl said awkwardly, scratching her cheek — Amo had always been pretty self-biased. If someone was nice to her, she liked them, if someone was a dick to her, she hated them. It was valid, probably, maybe not to the severe extent and quick-formed ( therefore also quick-changing ) that they were, it wasn’t quite healthy, but you know.. her emotions just tended to go rather extreme, but Rudo was used to all of her reactions, and liked her all the same. 

Her biased perspective was also why she made a beeline for Rudo’s room whenever she came over, absolutely refusing to even as much as look at Enjin. 

Rudo didn’t try to make them enjoy each other's presence, Amos' mood was too difficult for Enjin to navigate properly, and Enjin was too Enjin for Amo to not scowl and gag at his presence. It was better to let them stay away from each other.

“Mhm.” Rudo nodded, chin in palm, “she wasn’t great last year either.” He shrugged, talking about their health class teacher. He only genuinely remembered her because he’d sent him in detention a few times for his habit of wearing headphones ( school was overstimulating, okay? ) and apparently showing attitude when she requested ( forced ) him to take them off. 

Amo had been homeschooled since her guardians took her in, too worried about what reactions she may have to public triggers. Her brother, Jabber, had argued multiple times that if she should start at any point, it should’ve been last year, before he graduated and she had to be there all alone. Their guardians had considered it, but she was still in the start of recovery and healing, and there was also still the very real possibility of a relapse if school was too much — plus, she’d have Rudo. 

Rudo and Amo were.. you know. Friends. 

It was complicated, okay? 

Rudo had never understood what actual romantic feelings entailed, the only girl he’d ever even remotely liked was Chiwa, and there wasn't anything real there. Never had been, probably. She was the only girl ( person, really, at least those of Rudo’s age ) who’d ever been nice to him and ignored the tales of his dad, but then the whole court case happened and all of a sudden, Chiwa didn’t seem that nice anymore. It always ended up falling apart because of a story, the same one every fucking time, that Rudo was following in the footsteps of his biological father. Seeking revenge, maybe, but for what? What had Regto ever done to him?

And can you imagine, christ, having lost your dad, murdered right fucking in front of you, and then having to argue in court, defend yourself as to why you’re not your fathers murder? Yeah, Rudo had some rough weeks during that era. 

Chiwa however, seemed to fall for the rumour immediately. So, she probably never really liked Rudo, she was just compassionate, sympathetic, but she was naive too. Or scared, maybe. Scared to be around a murder. Rudo couldn’t blame her, per se, but he was angry nonetheless. She never even tried to understand, to hear what actually happened.

No one was there when Rudo lost his father and the world believed he’d been the perpetrator.

So his views of all love and harmony was a little warped, was what he was getting at. Amo? She was probably even worse in that department. Rudo was sometimes surprised at her strength, being able to live a somewhat normal life despite her episodes, with everything that had happened to her.

The thing was, neither of them really understood what real love was, so they were too scared to say what they had was that. Because, because– maybe if they said it out loud, acknowledged the feeling like they once had when young and awfully naive, it would become what it did last time.

If Rudo admitted that Amo wasn’t just a friend, maybe she’d start to believe his hands were stained with blood that wasn’t just his own.

If Amo admitted she smiled whenever she thought about Rudo, maybe he’d take that as permission and become like every other man.

They were both afraid. Scared, hurt children. Regardless of the comfort they found in each other, labels were too dangerous. Love, was too dangerous. So they walked a shaky, zig-zaggy line of friendship.

And they pretended that line didn’t have cracks and crumbling pieces, because they feared the fall as much as they feared what lay at the end of the line.

“Rudo?” Amo questioned quietly, and he snapped his head up to realise she’d been looking at him while he spaced off. Right, shit. Get it together. “Is Rudo okay?”

He sighed, nodding, “yeah, Amo. All good.”

“Mhm!” She smiled, happy to hear, then another thought seemed to jump into her brain, so she leaned forward to talk to Rudo. On instinct, he leaned towards her as well, “Jabber is having Zanka over this weekend, do you wanna come too?”

The boy grimaced, “yuck, I don’t wanna be around my brother and Jabber.”

Amo giggled, “that’s true .. mm, oh! What if Amo comes over to Rudo then?”

It was a valid offer, the two spent a lot of time together, a lot of alone time together as well, it wasn’t anything new. But, Rudo had an inkling that an entire week of the anxiety within his throat right now, might lead to a situation. Just.. a small one. Literally.

“Uh,” he said awkwardly, guilty as he did it, “I don’t know, Amo..”

He watched as her face fell a little, in disappointment. He knew how her brain worked, how quickly she’d worry she was the problem, that she wasn’t doing enough, that she needed to do more to keep Rudo around. 

He hated when she felt like that, hated even more when he was the cause of it.

So, he cleared his throat, because— he could do it. If it was just for a few hours, on Sunday maybe, then he could leave the inevitable meltdown for Saturday so it was already over by then. Smart thinking, Rudo. 

“Actually, sure.” He said suddenly, ignoring the way his voice wavered awkwardly on his own hesitation, “Is Sunday okay?”

Amo smiled immediately, her mood fixed like it had never fallen at all, “yeah!”

____________________

TUESDAY 

Rudo slipped his headphones off as he stepped inside, mumbling a quiet ‘m’home’ just incase anyone was around to hear. Chances weren’t likely.

He still liked to announce he was home, a habit he grew because of Zanka and Jabber. 

Enjin was probably still working on a mission, busy like he’d sold his soul to the devil as usual, Zanka was at the library studying or with Jabber, and Riyo was at work. So. House empty.

It wasn’t a bad thing, just.. Rudo hadn’t seen any of them since morning, and it had been so rushed, he hadn’t even gotten his hair ruffled. Not that he liked it, but it was rare for Enjin to leave the house without making sure all the kids had gotten at least a touch of affection.

Usually the sequence went with Riyo getting a kiss on the top of her head, Zanka getting a squeeze on his shoulder, and Rudo getting his hair ruffled — though the order wasn’t particularly necessary. It just felt weird when the routine was forgotten in favor of work and due to restless nights, in Enjin's case.

Rudo wasn’t mad or blamed him for forgetting stuff when he understood Enjin was genuinely just fucking busy, and hadn’t exactly slept great these days. It didn’t mean that it didn’t feel weird to go to school without his hair looking more messy than intended.

Tuesday was alright, not that much different than Monday. Rudo walked Amo to her classes, talked to Eisha in their shared classes, ate lunch with the two and the newly arrived freshmen that was Remlin and Guita. Overall, just a chill day. It felt almost wrong, that nothing was going wrong.

He’d assumed the first week to be total chaos, whether it be panic attacks, flare ups, slips, just something to screw his head up, but everything was fine. Which was somehow making the anxiety in his stomach way, way worse. 

Rudo made a quick look around the house, nodding to himself when he confirmed no one was indeed around — all good, then. 

He should.. call, just in case. You never know.

After throwing himself on the couch, he dug his phone out, instantly tapping on Zanka’s contact. He’d pretend he was calling for something annoying, not because he cared or worried, because he didn’t. Obviously they were all fine. It had just been a while since he had to spend so much time ( less than a day ) away from them, and it would make it a little easier. Enough to not freak out. Enough to not slip and wail and need his dad.

The phone announced itself to be dialing Zanka’s number after Rudo tapped his contact, waiting to hear that little— click.

“What do you want?” Zanka asked, immediately sounding as if he was greatly inconvenienced by this sudden call, though despite his tone, he’d picked up after the second ring. Even if it was a bother, he’d always pick up fast, in case of emergency. “I’m busy.”

“No shit,” Rudo snapped back, feeling anger rise higher than normally, but managed to take a breath and continue, “what are you doing?”

“What do you care? Call Enjin if you need something.”

Alright. Ouch.

Rudo paused momentarily, and then he felt a little stupid. He shouldn’t have called, he knew everything was alright, why did he call? Because he wanted to hear his brothers voice? God, he was pathetic. “Alright, see you-“

“No, c’mon. What?”

“Nothing.”

“Why’d you call?”

“No reason. Hungry. Can you bring food?” He said, just to have some reason for this juvenile call.

“.. yeah, whatever. Go bother someone else, skuzz, I’ll bring food home.”

See? It was probably all fine.

Rudo was gonna be fine. The week was going to be okay.

Everything was okay.

____________________

WEDNESDAY

Everything was not okay.

Wednesday was when things started going wrong.

When everything started to go from okay to I am who I am but I’ve never asked to be. 

Rudo had woken up and instantly winced when he’d felt how sore and achy his arms were, burning from the elbow and down. His flare-ups had been better recently, but he could tell when one was coming from a mile away, and groaned as he got out of bed to search for his compression sleeves. 

He didn’t cry from the pain anymore, hadn’t since he was a kid.

The tears stopped coming from something as pathetic as pain when he was about seven, way before he even started having his slips. Even when Regto had said ‘it’s chronic, kid. It’s alright to cry about it’ Rudo had refused — it wasn’t about the pain, Rudo just didn’t cry. 

Sure, he had the day Zanka found him, but that was a flunk just as well. He’d cried because the constant onslaught against his skull had practically forced the tears straight from his eyes, and it was the first day he’d ever called Enjin dad, a call and response the two were now familiar with but had been a new establishment once upon a time.

Rudo couldn’t remember a time he’d really cried after that — a little bit sometimes came out, but the sort of sobbing that had happened that night? Never again. He could tell his family expected it, which was an odd change. Before that night, him crying would’ve been the least expected thing ever, but all of a sudden, everyone was on alert in case it happened again when he threw one of his toddler tantrums.

( they weren’t toddler tantrums, Rudo was in pain, physically and mentally, and he didn’t know how to cope correctly. ) 

Point was, Rudo just didn’t cry. 

He thought about how different he and Amo were, occasionally. Their trauma was vastly different, but he was surprised at the directions their coping mechanisms and trauma responses took, opposite to each other. Like two lines that crossed each other once and then forever went their own ways.

It was expected for Amo to be the self isolated one, given that she once herself could never choose when to have privacy, that she’d avoid physical touch because of men who deserved to go to hell, that she wouldn’t show emotion out of fear. It wasn’t like that — Amo seeked out comfort, she couldn’t stand to be alone when something triggered the gun inside of her head, she initiated touch when she was in need of it, she cried whenever something was too much.

Rudo sort of envied her. Her capability, her strength to be so vulnerable. It wasn’t fair, he knew she didn’t choose to be vulnerable, didn’t want to need comfort and to be a quote unquote crybaby, she hated her own trauma responses just like Rudo hated his. 

But he wished he was able to seek out comfort when he needed it.

He wished he could cry without the world falling apart.

On the other hand, you’d expect Rudo to seek out comfort, given that he lost a secure support system in Regto. That he’d be able to ask for a hug, because Regto always knew when he needed him, that he wouldn’t hide his emotions because he’d never really had to, even if he always did.

But Rudo couldn’t seek out comfort because he was afraid of being seen as the filth the world had proclaimed him to be, he couldn’t ask for a hug because he couldn’t be the kid who wasn’t independent, he couldn’t cry or show emotions because he couldn’t be disgusting.

Amo wished she was able to hide her emotions the way Rudo did, that she could enjoy being alone and not have to burden others.

The two were envious of each other for things neither of them should have in the first place. They wished they had each other's trauma responses, all the while they should’ve never had any at all.

__________

“Rudo, hurting?” Amo asked tentatively, leaning closer to him.

Yeah, yeah he was hurting real fucking bad. 

His arms were killing him, and the compression sleeves could only do so much to prevent a five year old to ball up and sob. Rudo was capable, he was seventeen, he was good. Everything was fine. It hurt, but it didn’t mean he had to be a child about it.

Regardless of that, it did really hurt so bad, like his upper limbs were now nothing but hot running magma, dripping his sanity onto the floor and burning it up.

“Just my arms, it’s alright.” He said, he didn’t like being whiny about it. Though the second the words left his mouth, he noticed Eisha instantly looking behind her, catching Rudo’s eye.

“Rudo!” She whisper-shouted anxiously, “if you’re hurting, you should go to the nurse! Grandma really won’t mind..” — she always spoke so anxiously, but she’d gotten better at it over the last two years, however her minor stutter remained.

Rudo shook his head, adjusting in his seat, subtly looking around to see if anyone was noticing their conversation. “I’m fine. Seriously.”

The girls gave each other a look, both of them nervous — Eisha was nervous by nature, Amo just got nervous when people she cared for was hurt, especially Rudo. 

“Maybe go home early then..?” She tried awkwardly, “it’s, it’s really not good. I know how bad your arms get..” 

Yeah, everyone always knew everything, didn’t they? His family knew he was a child half the time because he couldn’t be normal about anything ever, his friends knew that sometimes he hurt so bad he threw up until he’d be able to taste acid in his mouth for a week, the dead knew he wished he could be nothing at all. People always knew, Rudo was never just Rudo. He was always the kid in pain, the kid with two dead dads, the murderer.

But he, he wasn’t. 

He wasn’t any of them. He wasn’t a kid, he was only in pain sometimes — and, and maybe he had two dead dads but he also had a live one and he wasn’t a fucking murderer! 

“Rudo.” Amo whispered, “is okay?”

Rudo swallowed roughly, noticing how the sweat had started growing on his forehead, and his hands were shaking. Whether from the pain growing, travelling so far as to even make his shoulders ache, or from the sudden turmoil, he didn’t know.

He always became much more irritable when his hands hurt, because he’d always been an angry kid. But he wasn’t an angry kid now, he got to pick one or the other. He could be angry, or he could be a kid — and Rudo would always do anything to not be a kid. Which meant he’d always be a little angry.

“Yes.” He gritted out, taking a deep breath, “fine. I’ll go to Alice when class is over.”

The girls proceeded to follow him when class was over, because apparently he’s incompetent and can’t be trusted to go to the nurse alone. Sue him for not wanting that crazy lady telling him the same shit as always, “don’t be an idiot, child! If my granddaughter is telling you to go home, you shouldn’t even have to ask me! Shoo shoo!’ .

While walking, his head felt foggy. Not the usual kind which had him speaking like a five year old, but the kind that made him disoriented and momentarily forgetting where, when and why.

Where? School. 

When? Wednesday.

Why? … he didn’t know.

It was procedure Enjin made him go through because Rudo hated the breathing exercises and stupid five things you can see bullshit. Practiced routine now was where, when, and why. 

Where was Rudo, what time was it, and why was his current situation happening.

He didn’t know why his brain was melting now. The pain seemed to be the obvious answer, but he couldn’t reach that conclusion on his own at the moment, slowly falling out of it with every step until he practically tripped over himself, caught by the girl at his side.

“Rudo!” Amo squealed, worry in her tone, “what- what’s wrong?”

Nothing, nothing, nothing. 

Everything, everything, everything.

Who was to say what was true anymore?

“Ah, we should really hurry! If he faints it’s no good, grandma—“

“Yo! Is that Surebrec?”

All three heads went towards the voice, two whipped, while Rudo’s deliriously swayed to the side. How was this happening so fast? He’d been fine this morning, everything was supposed to be fine. 

It felt like the world was moving in double x speed while he was left in slowmotion, meanwhile he couldn’t recognize the voice at all, it didn’t seem like someone he knew, but clearly they knew him. Whatever that might entail — probably bullies who thought they knew shit because they read about his case in the news. Rudo dealt with them a fair amount, wasn’t that affected at this point in time. He’d spent his whole life being stared at like he was a bug under a microscope, another kid telling him he was a murderer was nothing.

But he wasn’t.

Everyone, however, refused to open their eyes to truths, humans seeked drama, and an innocent kid wasn’t just exciting enough. 

‘Did he really kill his dad?’

‘Didn’t you see the kid from the court recordings? He looked sick to his stomach, definitely guilty.’

‘What an interesting case, you hear about children killing abusive parents quite a lot, but didn’t he say his father wasn’t ever an evil man?’

‘The guilt could be making him delirious, but really I just.. I think he was just one very sad kid. Monsters are born from sadness, and anger, no? Who could be surprised he’d end up this way?’

There was never no ‘oh, poor child. The world accuses you of Regto’s demise, but nobody is thinking about the son who lost his dad.’ — he didn’t mourn the possibility of sympathy, there had never been any, not from the moment the world came to believe his dad was a murder. It was just.. funny, how the most sympathy someone was willing to give was the possibility that Rudo wasn’t a psychopath, just a hurt kid. He was a hurt kid, because his dad was dead.

He wasn’t a hurt kid who then chose to kill his dad.

When people say heritage haunts you, they aren’t wrong. Blood goes a long way, no matter how far the apple falls from the tree. 

‘You’re disgusting, I’m gonna curse you so hard it’ll haunt your fucking grandchildren.”

And Rudo was only his kid, it was to be expected even his children would be followed with the prophecy of bloodied hands and whispers. Bullies were nothing new, never pleasant, but not much affective these days.

But.

But.

“Lookin’ a bit sick, buddy. Need a hand?”

“Go away, Koji.” Amo snarled, baring teeth like a protective dog. Rudo distantly registered that she knew whoever this guy was, despite this being her first week at the school. Did she share a class with him? 

Had he done something to have her already flash teeth?

“Still feisty.” The voice hummed, circling the three bodies until he could crouch in front of Rudo, catching him at eye level with his hunched over position. “You the boyfriend?”

“Mn..” Rudo tried to seem intimidating, but his words had given out, his body was reacting as if he had been drugged. Fuck was up with him? He couldn’t even threaten a damn guy, it was weak. He managed to, just like Amo, bare his fangs — it didn’t seem to be very effective.

“Right, right. So, the little lady is dating some murderer guy? Yo, Amo,” he looked up to the still snaring girl, “you’re marrying yourself into a crazy family, y’know. Got killer here,” he grabbed under Rudo’s chin, lifting it up slightly to show off his face — and everybody knew Amo would’ve killed the guy if it wasn’t for her own fears. Two years ago, she would’ve immediately, without a doubt. Nowadays, she had too much to lose, and she couldn’t fight back unless the guy actually did anything. Rudo, on the other hand, couldn’t do anything at all with his almost limp body.

“Then there’s his sister, crazy bitch she is, y’know I heard she screwed that blonde pedophile to get adopted…” the words started blurring out, and something inside of Rudo was ringing heavy alarm bells. The rational, Regto voice that always told him you can’t listen to what people say, Rudo. They talk shit, doesn’t mean you get to react however you want.

But he said Riyo— Rudo couldn’t finish the thought, he growled, using whatever adrenaline from the burst of anger to attempt at standing up, when the words filtered back in again. “And the fag brother, but ey, Amo, isn’t his brother and your brother dating too? So, what, y’all just crazy to end up in a crime documentary or somethin’?”

Rudo lost it.

Or, he would have. He really would have, cross his heart hope to die, he would have beat the fucking shit out of the guy, had he had the nearest chance before — Kojo? Koji — Koji was already crashing against the floor. Rudo blinked, squinting his eyes, trying to figure out if that was him or… he turned slightly, seeing the panting body standing besides him.

“S-shut up! That’s really not nice!” Eisha huffed, utterly riled up. “That’s just— so mean!” 

She’d never had that fierce fire or words to her advantage, it was an extreme surprise to see her hand fisted up and mildly shaking from the punch. Punch. She hadn’t hit or even just slapped the guy — Eisha, Eisha, had socked him in the fucking jaw.

Rudo would’ve burst out laughing if his mouth wasn’t filling with unnatural amounts of saliva at the moment.

He vaguely registered Amo tilting her head in wonder, ‘where did Eisha learn that?’

And Eisha’s bashful, shy reply of ‘A-August used to.. kind of lose it when people b-bullied me.. I thought maybe, m, maybe it would help if..”

Words were spilling all around Rudo’s brain like a film strip on faster speed than intended, Killer, Pedophile, Fag.

Killer.

Killer?

Rudo stepped forward, even with his slug body, his arms hanging uselessly as he walked over Koji’s body on the floor, cradling his own jaw in pain.

The boy looked up at Rudo hovering above him, spitting on the ground, “fuck do you want? Y’all fucking sensitive. Can’t take a joke at all.”

His eye ticked, “M’gonna kill you..” and he took another step forward when — “yeah?  gonna kill me like you killed your fucking dad?”

And. Rudo didn’t. Rudo didn’t. Rudo didn’t!

“Rudo Surebrec, you’re under arrest for the murder of your legal guardian, Regto—”

“Time of death, 11:17’

‘You have the right to remain silent’ 

‘They brought filth from the sphere to ground? tsk, nothing new. You criminals always run away from the big cities. Can’t handle the guilt of living a good life after what you’ve done, huh?’

‘Rudo Surebrec, how do you testify?’

‘Rudo Surebrec, do you plead innocent?’

‘Rudo Surebrec, the murderer?’

‘Rudo Surebrec’ 

‘Rudo Surebrec’

Rudo Surebre—‘

“Rudo!” Amo yelled from behind him, but he wasn’t hearing anything except the pulse in his ears, rushing higher and higher with every punch he struck. He’d abandoned all sense of self, of morality, ignoring the pain crashing through him like his arms were amputating themselves. Koji’s head swung to the side with each punch to the jaw, one to the eye, one straight in the nose. Blood was pouring from every hole in his disgusting face, but Rudo couldn’t stop. If they fucking wanted him to be a killer, he’d be a damn killer. They all wanted him to be so, so badly.

It made for a more interesting story.

Rudo could make it interesting.

Regto’s voice continued to call out, reminding him not to hurt anyone. Don’t prove their point, Rudo. You’re a good kid, don’t give them a reason to believe you’re not.

But nobody else thought he was a good kid, no matter how much he fucking tried to be good. Rudo had only ever wanted to be good, but he wasn’t, he couldn’t be. He’d never be good.

“Bad dog, sit still until the Judge calls for you.’

When had Rudo ever done anything wrong?

They all saw him as a monster regardless, he might as well be one. Maybe he’d prove their points, maybe his hands would finally be bloodied when the soul of the body beneath him passed, but he’d have done it with satisfaction.

It felt so fucking good. Rudo wasn’t good, but this was. This was good. Koji deserved to have his face punched until it inverted itself, for calling Rudo a killer, for thinking it allowed to speak shit on his family, for thinking he had any right. For talking like that to Amo.

Would Rudo be seen as the violent, biting mutt after this? Despite how his chin was raised, despite the words thrown into his face, was he the one who’d started just because the threw the first punch? ( and because Koji was too much of a pussy to fight back. Rudo wanted him to, needed the fight, needed to know he was defending and not attacking. )

But Koji couldn’t fight back, he was barely breathing. At what punch had he stopped? Rudo didn’t know. He didn’t care much, either. The blood on his hands had always been there, contagious and by proxy, by relation, what mattered if it was there now by action? 

He raised his arm once more, ready to send it flying down, aiming to punch a tooth out, when, cliche as ever, his wrist was caught mid-air. 

It wasn’t difficult to figure out who was behind him — there was only one person in this school who’d physically stop him ( and have the nerve to ) from beating a guy to death, and only one person he’d listen to when told to stop. So when Amo’s fingers loosened around his wrist, Rudo let it fall loosely, no longer with malicious intent in its movement.

The fight drained out of him like a ballon tapped with a needle, and realization swarmed his clouded brain.

Koji wasn’t breathing. 

He wasn’t breathing.

Rudo wasn’t breathing either, his hands were shaking, the pain was travelling with record speed throughout his arms, and he wanted so badly to curl into a ball and cry cry cry but big boys didn’t cry and he was big and he was brave and Rudo was supposed to be good but he wasn’t good and he had never been good and oh holy shit he wasn’t breathing.

Koji wasn’t, Rudo wasn’t.

“I’ll- I, I’ll bring him to grandma..” Eisha whispered, and the scene continued moving around him, the world never stopped spinning even as he was pulled away by the only person who was allowed to touch him, the only other person who’d ever been on the receiving end of Rudo’s punches and oh, oh Amo could’ve been dead on that floor. 

Amo could’ve died.

Koji could be dead.

He deserved to be.

Rudo gagged, finally noticing his surroundings when he pushed a door open, hurrying into the men’s bathroom — he heard Amo’s little squeal outside, unsure of what to do, and he could’ve never heard that again because he could have killed Amo, he could’ve killed her, he would have. He wanted to. He had wanted to.

Despite how uncomfortable she must’ve been with the possibility of danger, Amo followed behind him, and stood witness to the mess when Rudo doubled forward and proceeded to projectile vomit all over the toilet. Only a small amount actually made it into the bowl, some of it hitting the floor, others reaching the walls of the stall. It was a plague, a pest, and Rudo was the host. Of all the evil storred inside of him, which was trying so desperately to escape.

His back bowed with another gag, like a cat throwing up a hairball, and he emptied his stomach a second time — “oh! Oh no..” Amo panicked behind him — it was acidic, burning his tongue so he’d never be able to speak again. 

There was too many fucking fluids on his face, mixture of vomit and spit surrounding his mouth, snot down his nose, tears forming in his eyes from the bitter taste and pain of dry heaving. 

He gagged once more, successfully this time when bile rose up through his throat and passed his tongue in greeting, little wet noises of it reaching the bottom of the toilet alongside his spit, and Rudo wanted his dad so badly. He didn’t even know which one, he just wanted dad dad dad.

“Regto, it hurts.”

“I know bud, stomach bugs are a real pain in the ass. It’ll pass, just let it out.”

X

“Enjin, can’t.”

“We’ll get food in you after, Ru. It’s fine.”

Rudo grabbed harshly onto the toilet, resting his forehead against the cold seat, ignoring the distant Zanka voice screaming about bacteria. He’d already vomited anything possible inside of him out, bacteria didn’t matter, he’d rather be sick physically than this. Sick in the head. So sick it manifested physically. He’d always rather be sick than violent. 

“Amo will call Enjin.” He heard, and Rudo moved way too fast for the amount of energy he’d lost, hit by a dizzy spell immediately, unable to focus on Amo when he caught sight of her, shaking his head in protest.

“Rudo is sick, Amo will fix it.”

“No,” it came out weak, he couldn’t speak, he’d fall. He’d fall way too far, and he’d call for his dad. He couldn’t call for his dad. He was supposed to be big. 

“Mnn,” Amo whimpered helplessly, not knowing what to do, “stop being so stubborn! Amo said she would help.”

Rudo groaned,  spit still leaking out of his mouth, “i’don’ need help, ‘m okay.”

Several seconds of silence passed, and Rudo hoped this meant the end — that everything would go back in natural order, that earth would stop tipping its axis, that everything would stop fucking spinning for one second. 

All of that hope was washed off of him like a cold shower when he picked up on the faint ringing behind him, unsure of when he’d gone back to spitting into the bowl. He crawled into the space between wall and toilet, curling into himself when he realised he couldn’t stop Amo from calling. She always just wanted to help, he couldn’t antagonise her for that.

“Didn’t expect a call from you of all people!” Enjin’s voice called out, a little chuckle, and Rudo’s brain short circuited to daddaddadadadadad within the span of a second. Safe, safe, safe. 

“Ugh,” Amo rolled her eyes, the fire immediately getting riled up in her just from having to talk to Enjin, but she had a mission. “Rudo’s sick.”

“What?” A chair screeched on the other end, and Rudo really just wanted to say sorry, he was so sorry. He was always sorry. For a kid so angry and stubborn, he sure was apologetic, irony of the universe. “What happened?”

“Um,” Amo blinked, considering her options real quick, “his arms.”

She looked down at him, waiting for either approval or disapproval, and Rudo could only weakly nod. Enjin already knew about his arms, it was better if he thought this episode was caused by something that simple rather than Rudo beating a guy half to death. Enjin would find out, he’d be called by the school in approximately twenty minutes anyway, but this gave Rudo a little longer of blissful peace. 

“He had a flare up? Shit, alright. I’ll come get him.”

Rudo rested his head in his arms, painful as it was, and apologized over and over in his head until nothing else was present.

__________

“So.” Enjin sighed, tapping his fingers against the steering wheel. He looked like he needed a smoke, but Rudo could smell on him that he’d already had one. Old habits die hard, some never die at all.

The second he arrived at the school, the other call came in — Enjin had to hear about it all. Twenty minutes of blissful peace over and done. “Listen, kid, I don’t condone violence and all that..” liar, “but I’m gonna ask anyway, fuck happened in there?”

Rudo shrugged, knees pulled tight up to his chest, staring out the window of the car, waiting for them to just drive.

There was nothing he hated more than having to explain himself, and knowing he’d still be scolded, consequences for his actions and all. 

“Y’already heard.” He mumbled, words giving out. Rudo was never good at speaking when his brain was going off either, he was never really good at speaking at all, but certain situations made it impactfully harder. 

Like a disappointed eye in his direction.

The man besides him nodded, resting his elbow against the window, chin in hand, “sure, but not from you. I’d like to hear why you almost killed that guy.”

Almost killed.

Rudo wished he had killed him.

Wished he could rot up in prison until nothing was left but clean-licked bones and the lingering stench of a corpse. 

“He just said stuff.”

“Stuff.” Enjin repeated, “like what, Ru? Give me something to work with.”

“I don’t know.” The kid snapped back, the disappeared irritation flaring back up again. His arms hurt, his brain hurt, his heart hurt. He wanted to go home and hug Kiki. He really wanted his brother, too. Not that that mattered.

It mattered a little bit, probably. When Enjin wasn’t available or didn’t feel like a safe comfort source ( Rudo always knew logically that Enjin was safe, but he didn’t exactly enjoy feeling like someone was angry with him ) he automatically went to Zanka as his next choice of safe space.

“Jesus Christ.” Came the inevitable groan — Rudo was used to fights with Enjin, he was the only one that really fought with him of the kids, because he was the only one who was so damn stubborn and nothing more than an angry brat. He knew what Enjin sounded like when he got a little mad, and he knew what would make it worse. Rudo didn’t know what in his body that always made him pick the dialogue option that would result in an argument, probably a need to flee an actual serious conversation, but he didn’t like the fights.

He just hated the vulnerable talks more.

“It’s your third day, and you knock a guy out.” Enjin snapped him back to reality, tapping faster on the steering wheel as his own irritation started growing.

Rudo thought about how he had originally worried about him, coming to pick his kid up, and now he was worried about some random child who called him a pedophile. Rudo was defending his honor, and this was the fucking treatment he was getting?

( Enjin didn’t know what Koji had said, it wasn’t his fault, Rudo was the one refusing to talk. But, he wasn’t rational, he was a kid. A tiny, sad, hurt kid. )

“I had my reasons.”

“Then tell me the reasons!” Enjin groaned loudly, fed up quicker than he usually was. Rudo wondered if he had had a bad day. Rudo didn’t ask. 

“I don’t know how many times we need to have this conversation, you can’t— you are supposed to be better. Better than me, better than them. Punching a guy won’t make you better.”

“You would’ve done it.”

“I would have. Which is why I said you need to be better than me. I work in a dangerous field, kiddo, I wouldn’t think twice about hitting a guy if he was talking shit, but you’re not me, you’re a kid I’m obligated to take care of which means I’m trying to raise you with better standards than I was held to.”

Obligated.

Enjin wasn’t held to any standards, he was an orphan, he had no one to teach him that violence was wrong, so he wanted so badly to be that guardian. The mentor who taught his kids that violence isn’t worth it, even if he was built on it himself.

Obligated.

Rudo was always held to standards, different ones by society and family. Society held him to the standards of a cold blooded beast with a burning blood lust, while his family had held him to standards of a masochistic angel. Rudo never knew how to appeal, the public wanted him to be one thing, his family another — there was never a question to who Rudo wanted to be.

I want you to be better.

I want you to be worse.

Rudo just wanted to be.

“Obligated?” He repeated in a quiet snap, still staring out the window. His eyes were burning, and his throat felt like it would explode around the lump, but Rudo knew no tears would fall. They never did. Not if he had anything to say about it, anyway.

He heard Enjin falter, knew that he realised his mistake and this was where the argument ended. He wanted to teach his kids, but that also came with teaching himself.

“That wasn’t what I meant.”

“Mnn.”

“Can you look at me?”

“Don’wanna.”

There was a momentary silence, and Rudo bit into his lip, mentally hitting himself on the head for how childish he sounded. Why could he never be a big boy? In the end he’d always just be five, waiting for his dad to come wipe the blood off of him.

“Kid. Ru.”

“Can we just drive?” He choked out, whiny as it was, and curled up further into himself. All he wanted was to go home and hold his god forsaken plushie and lay in bed and maybe die a little bit and then pretend nothing ever fucking happened even though he’d probably get suspended. 

“…” Enjin remained quiet momentarily, thinking it through, “I just really want you to talk to—“

“Dad please.” 

Both of them reacted to the word, Rudo’s voice cracking on it and him then having to swallow around the awfully tight lump and pray to some sort of god he didn’t believe in that Enjin wouldn’t mention it, that he’d just drive.

Enjin on the other hand completely lost his speech, staring out of the front window, big and open as it was. He was weak to small Rudo, that wasn’t no secret, but the word dad was always going to unravel him.

“.. yeah. Alright.” Enjin whispered as he started the car up, and they didn’t talk for the rest of the day.

____________________

FRIDAY

Friday was the day everything fell to shit.

Rudo had spent Thursday at home, not allowed to come to school so he could spend his time reflecting on his actions. It was surprising he didn’t get suspended longer, but he’d heard rumors from Eisha that Amo had spoken to ( threatened ) Koji, and he had decided ( agreed ) to speak of the situation like Rudo really was defending himself.

So.

Everything was fine.

Obviously.

Him and Enjin hadn’t talked further, neither willing to be the grown up and try to converse about the issue — usually, Enjin was pretty good at fixing things, but Rudo had genuinely messed up with the whole bloody ordeal, so he was out of his usual zone and didn’t quite know what to do. Zanka and Riyo didn’t either, nobody expected Rudo to ever hurt someone to this extreme again, despite what the public went around saying.

The first time, Enjin and him hadn’t really talked about it either. He’d gotten Rudo to calm down, and talked vaguely about how we treat people and expect to be treated in return. He never actually tried to teach Rudo about all things violence and respect, expecting him to already know.

And Rudo did know, he knew it wasn’t right to hit people, had spent a decade bashing his skull in to not do it, but he also knew self defense was validated. Amo had been at attack, Rudo was countering. Sure, he regretted it now, but he had whited out in anger at the time— thing was, nobody in the family thought it important to have juvenile conversations about don’t do this, do that. 

Everyone knew how to treat people, and they all got into fights sometimes. Zanka fought with his boyfriend, Riyo’s classes sometimes went overboard, but Rudo usually stirred further away from all things attack and defense. So what, he had messed up once, and he deserved to be reprimanded when the others didn’t?

You almost killed him, your siblings never go that far.

But they would. Rudo knew his siblings would’ve damn done murdered a guy if they talked about him like Koji had them. But he couldn’t say that happened, there were too many risks, too many possibilities of upsetting people. Zanka was never ashamed of who he was, but his biological family had been ashamed of him, for all the reasons, and Rudo didn’t want to remind him of that.

He didn’t want Riyo triggered either.

It was fine if he was the only one, regardless of how angry the outcome made him. He’d pull himself together, be a big boy, and be fucking fine. 

So he was back in school — the morning had been awkward, Riyo slept in, Zanka had already left because he had plans with Jabber which was bound to end up in some broken bones ( not really, but the two always got too extreme when they sparred, Rudo got anxious whenever because he worried Zanka would get seriously hurt. He worried a lot, even if he never showed it.) 

Rudo on instinct seemed too honest and open-spoken at times, it wasn’t unusual for him to automatically speak his mind the second he had a thought, but two years of living with his current family made it easy to understand which topics to avoid, in the same way that they, despite their teasing nature, knew which subjects not to bring up even in joke. 

Though, this morning, Enjin had driven him to school without speaking a word. It wasn’t out of anger, that was readable in his behaviour, but because he didn’t know how to navigate this situation. Had it been with Riyo or Zanka, he probably could’ve, both of them less closed off than Rudo. With his youngest kid, it was just different. Talking to Rudo was always a challenge, but especially with these sorts of topics — because Rudo knew he had messed up, but he wasn’t going to apologize, and if it ever came down to it, he’d easily end up beating a guy to death. He didn’t want to, he wanted to, it was like picking the petals off of a flower and not knowing when you’d run out. 

Enjin had said a quiet, “love you, kid.” when Rudo stepped out of the car, and he.. hadn’t answered. 

Rudo was bad at communicating, alright?

He could barely remember a time where he’d actually said I love you to any of the people he shared a living space with — couldn’t recall a time where he’d said it to Regto. Usually, he’d reply with a “Mn.”, this morning, he’d shut the car door and left.

Now, for the sake of the universe’s irony, he had social studies. Whatever.

Stuck in one of the most boring classes in the history of time ( only to Rudo’s standards, but all classes that weren’t built around something physical, whether that was physical training / education, building, ect. were a waste of time to him, he never understood the school stuff. It was a miracle he’d ever come this far ) — he’d already dealt with a few looks, but most people seemed too afraid to approach him with ill intent, scared of getting the same treatment that Koji did.

Koji only got that treatment because Rudo was already on his wits end with the pain and dizzy spell, compared with the specific buttons he was pressing.

It’s not like Rudo would hit just anyone for a dumb comment. Totally.

Buzz, Rudo felt his phone go off once in his pocket, humming quietly to acknowledge it despite never picking it up to answer. Instead, he turned towards Amo, tilting his head at her. “Did Jabber say what him and Zanka were gonna do?”

Amo, fairly enough, was surprised by Rudo speaking, even jumping a little in her seat in surprise. He never spoke that much in general, but especially not when things were bad, and they weren’t bad, but they weren’t good. So the past two days had been relatively quiet in the department of all things verbal. 

The girl shook her head, “Amo doesn’t usually ask, don’t wanna know what that freak gets up to.” She mock-gagged, “He nasty.”

Rudo smiled faintly, agreeing with the statement. 

“Zanka said somethin’ about a lab thing, think he’s been going with Jabber to the—“

Buzz, buzz.

A sigh escaped him, his eye twitching at the buzz. 

Amo blinked once, noticing the buzz and Rudo’s expression all at once. She giggled, “what’s upsetting Rudo? Why not answer?” 

He shook his head, a little groan, “It’s just gonna be Enjin.”

“Rudo doesn’t wanna talk to him?” 

“… it’s, it’s not that,” he whispered, keeping his voice low in case the teacher were to hear him, “I’m just gonna say the wrong thing as always, ‘n he’ll be pissed again. I don’t know how to fix things.”

Ironically, fixing things was Rudo’s specialty, but that was more about scraps and trash than actual human relationships, objects were always easier, less complicated and without all the feelings he couldn’t understand.

He liked fixing things. There was something that made him feel alive about being their savior — but he couldn’t save people, people could only save themselves. He knew that because Regto, despite his attempts and efforts, had never been able to save Rudo. He raised him the way he did, and Rudo still had to crush his skull to pieces, he still ended up beating multiple people to their last breath. Even the one person who accepted him outside of familial intent.

Saving people was something you could do in the physical sense, in the grand scheme of things. You can get their heart beating again, or you can talk someone from killing themselves, but you cannot, no matter how hard you wish to, make someone better than they are. You can’t fix them, whether what’s to be fixed is their behaviour towards others or towards themselves.

You can fix objects, they’re only physical, there’s none of the mental and complicated stuff that Rudo doesn’t get, he just has to work his tools correctly and it’s patched up like nothing ever happened — he liked that, it was fulfilling. It made him feel less.. useless. 

He couldn’t fix people, not his relationship with people, including his da—guardian.

Shit.

“Fixing things can be haaard,” Amo agreed in somewhat of a pout, clearly thinking, “but Rudo isn’t bad at it. Amo and Rudo fixed things, right? It can’t be so hard with your dad..”

with your dad.

Amo never said that — Amo always said with the scumbag or that guy that I hate or the sexist idiot I’ll rip to pieces, she’d never addressed Enjin as Rudo’s dad, and it made him feel like he’d been clocked, right in the middle of the classroom, put on spotlight. 

“That’s not the same. We both messed up, so it was easier.. d–Enjin didn’t do anything. How do I know he’ll forgive me?” It came out a little whiny, like a child asking how to patch things up with their daddy. He wanted to knock his head into the table in front of him, he wanted to fix his brain in the way he did little scraps. Crash his skull against something, pull out his brain, remove the rotten parts and stitch the rest together.

“There’s nothing to forgive, Rudo.” Amo shrugged, “Koji is a fucking idiot who should be dead, who careees if you gave him a little punch?” She smiled — Amo always got intense with her anger, as previously mentioned, but Rudo was still caught off guard whenever she spoke like that. Around him, she always carried that sweet smile, sweet front of herself, but she let the deeper parts slip when it came to her anger.

Was Amo an angry kid, just like Rudo had been? Just like he was?

Before he had a chance to reply, the buzzing went from small occasional ones to a repetitive vibration, someone was calling him. Jeez, fuck.

Rudo managed to get himself out of the classroom with the excuse of needing to take a leak, and huffed as he made his way to the empty hallway, pulling out his phone when he reached the destination.

He instantly grimaced upon seeing the messages on his phone, coming from the least expected person.

JABBER :

Wassup lil man, mind givin me a call rq?

JABBER :

Ik u in skl but seriously tho call when u see dis

JABBER :

k ur brother is losin it m’callin

Rudo blinked, one, twice. And called faster than he’d called anyone in his life — Jabber, unsurprisingly, answered immediately.

“Yo, Rudo!”  The guy exclaimed over the line, and despite his usual cheeriness, Rudo picked up on the nervous tint to his voice, which not only made the anxious pit in his stomach grow, but it also made his brain shrink. What was wrong? “So—“

“What, what happened? Is Zanka okay?”

“Oh yeah! No, no, Zanka is all good, man. Well nah he’s like, he’s hyperventilatin’ a bit but I’ve got him under control y’feel? It’s good, it’s good. He was gonna call you buuuut I said it might be better if I do, cuz if he calls and is freakin’ out then you gon’ be freakin’ out and—“

“Jabber.”

“Right sorry! So, Smokeshow is in the hospital. He—“

. . . 

Jabber continued talking, likely explaining what happened, but no more words processed, only the first few. 

Enjin is in the hospital. Ey, you hear that Rudo? Your dad is gonna die again. Lucky bastard, aren’t you?

He took a deep breath, trying to will himself to fucking chill, if Zanka was ‘fine’ and Jabber was calm, then everything was probably okay. You know. Probably. 

The rational part in his brain had always existed, it just wasn’t very persistent in comparison to other things, like his ravenous anxiety, his occasional panic attacks, his anger, his fears, his— his..

Shit shit shit. 

Said rational part of his brain took its last breath and bid a very well goodbye, leaving only behind the part of Rudo that had been fifteen and watched his father die. For once, it didn’t focus on all the things that came before and after, usually clinging on to the happy and less happy memories he had with said father, the court hours spent defending himself and proving not to be his father’s persecutor. This time, all he was stuck on was opening the door and seeing a man stab his dad in the stomach, for reasons he never even figured out. 

He remembered Regto and his last words and his last breaths and — and he remembered when Enjin found him with no hope left and he remembered what it was like to sort of have a dad again and he remembered how fucking scared he’s been the past two years in the chance of losing a third dad. Can you believe it? The universe must fucking hate the idea of Rudo being a son.

He remembered being five and having Regto feed him because his arms hurt too much, he remembered being sixteen ( but not really ) and having Enjin allow him into his room to sleep because the nightmares were particularly rough that week.

Was he losing another dad?

“Rudo, don’t space out on me, man. Listen I’ve got Zanka here and Braids is on the way yeah? Just get your ass here, tell the teacher your dad got hurt and you gotta go. Or bail, whatever. I would’ve bailed, but y’know, responsible kid or whatever— just go, come to the hospital aight?” 

Right. Right.

Hospital.

Ironically, despite losing two dads, this was the first time Rudo had ever had to go to the hospital for any of them.

__________

Rudo had sent Amo a quick and very misspelled version of ‘gotta go sorry’ in a panicked rush to the hospital. 

The knowledge that Zanka and Riyo would be there should make it easier. It should be a comforting fact, a hey, your siblings are here, things aren’t so bad are they? But it was nothing with the constant your dad is dead your dad is dead your dad is dead— oh my god, Rudo, did you do this?

Zanka and Riyo being there also made it more serious. In a way, at least. Rudo would like to excuse that thought by saying that if Enjin had just been mildly hurt, they wouldn’t have had reason to come to the hospital, but it just so was that they were about as anxious when it came to their guardian as Rudo was. Everyone hid it well, knowing the nature of Enjin’s job — it wouldn’t save anybody to worry.

But they all worried, they all feared. 

So when he rushed inside, panting, to find Zanka sitting down with his leg bouncing, Riyo nervously pacing, and Jabber openly talking their ears off in an attempt of distract to comfort ( because he wasn’t good with other kinds of comforts, despite the tight grip he had Zanka’s hand in. ), Rudo expected to remember that they were a family. They were all here for their guardian, the man they’d jokingly call dad, who’d get them fed and who’d practically fucking raised them except, except.

Except he hadn’t raised Rudo. 

Rudo was an intruder, really. He’d only been there for two years, which he’d spent infiltrating the space of a family who already had comfort in each other. Yet he was the one who had the nerve to call Enjin dad? Him? Of all people?

He was filth, as usual.

What right did he have to be here, and worry in the same way Riyo did? To possibly grieve, and expect it to even remotely match Zanka’s grief? 

What right did he have.

“Lil bro!” Jabber perked up, instantly making Riyo and Zanka snap their heads towards Rudo, and he stepped back on critical instinct, hands up in surrender like he was an enemy who got caught. A robber, an intruder, who stood face to face with the last people meant to see him. “Ohhh man, he don’t look too good.”

Rudo swallowed hard, trying to put aside the dizzy spell forcing his mind away from the present, begging him to leave, to zone out and forget forget forget. He didn’t have time for forgetting right now, he could forget if Enjin—

“Is—“ he tried, shutting his mouth when he just heard a whimper come out instead. Is dad okay?

The other two continued staring at him, unsure of what to do with themselves. Jabber, fortunately for once, was an optimist even when he was a realist ( and Enjin wasn’t seriously hurt, was the thing, he just had severely anxious children ), so he looked around and sighed.

“Y’guys gotta pick up your pace, f’real!” He still remained gently rubbing circles into Zanka’s hand, even when he looked at Rudo again and paused, tilting his head. Rudo, himself, hadn’t noticed the state of his own. “What you cryin’ for brat, are you five?”

It was meant in mock joke, the kind Jabber always did, even in situations that didn’t call for it because he was just about as bad with social cues as Rudo was ( or just didn’t care about them ). 

But.

But.

“I, I don’t know, I’m–“ Rudo whined, because yes, yes he was fucking five. He was five and he was gonna sob and ask if daddy would be okay because holy fuck daddy was never okay when it came to Rudo’s tragedy of daddy issues. His track record of dead dads was impressive, call Guinness WR.

It was always either ‘awe, daddy left you?’ or, ‘damn, this one died too huh?’

Zanka’s eyes, still trained on his little brother, noticed the behaviour like it was a practiced routine. It probably was, in some ways. “Shit, Jab.” The boy reprimanded his boyfriend before standing up, walking over to Rudo — he still didn’t know how to work touch with his little brother, even two years later.

“Listen, Enjin—“

He was abruptly cut off when Rudo forced his way forward, wrapping his arms around Zanka’s waist and burying his head into his chest where he heard a heart beating as fast as his own, terrified. His entire body trembled in the hold, and Zanka let go of his own tension to wrap his arms around Rudo in reciprocation.

Rudo couldn’t help the guilt flooding the waterworks on his face, not when Zanka had been in Enjin’s care much longer than Rudo ever had and now he was expected to comfort his sobbing younger brother who wasn’t actually his brother but just some fucking kid who happened to be there. 

And yet. 

Zanka, still, was a safe space when Enjin wasn’t. Guilt or no guilt, rage or without, Rudo’s subconscious would seek him out like a moth to a flame. 

“He’s okay, he’s okay.” Zanka said quietly, “we just got scared. Happens to kids like us, hm?”

There was an additional hand on his shoulder, Riyo having come up behind them, and Rudo felt so guilty. He was always guilty, the judge had thought him guilty too. She must’ve been so afraid, yet he was the one standing in between them, a child in need of comfort. But it felt so nice to have his sister lean in, press a kiss to his hair, and then feel her presence when she rested her own head on Zanka’s shoulder, inviting herself into the embrace.

“What’s up w’him?” Jabber asked, curiosity sticking to his voice rather than concern. Rudo didn’t take it personal. 

Zanka looked over his shoulder to catch Jabber’s eye, contemplating for a moment before whispering, “y’know what happens when Amo gets triggered?”

The man nodded, a shrug, “yeah, sure. She gets all whiny and upset like a little kid– ah, shit. F’real?”

Inside the embrace, Rudo had half the energy to register that Amo too? But it was too far away from the turmoil in his heart to shadow over right now. Instead, Rudo was so desperately trying not to let the continuous tears fall and fall, he wished he could stop them, alas, he could not. He had no right, but regardless, he couldn’t prevent a whine — “I want dad.”

His brother nodded, resting his chin atop of Rudo’s head, “yeah, I know Ru. Just give him a moment to wake up.”

Despite how Zanka was often a nuisance and annoying, Rudo still buried further into his chest and recalled how often he felt genuine comfort in his presence. He felt different types of comfort with all of the people he lived with, so it wasn’t unexpected, but Zanka was the one who was least soft with him — somehow, that usually made him more comforting when he then managed to be soft. Rudo didn’t understand the mechanics of it all but it worked out, at times.

“He’s gonna be okay?” Rudo whined, like a startled kitten, “I, I didn’t even,” he couldn’t help it, it was the same thing every time. The same grief manifesting as a terrible ache in his chest that reminded him why he could never speak some sweet words. Why had Rudo never told Regto that he loved him? Because Rudo simply could not, for the sake of all things holy, hold on to things he loved. It didn’t work. 

It was why he didn’t say it to Regto, to Amo, his siblings, to— to Enjin.

Rudo always thought that admitting he loved someone was cursing them to eternal doom, and somehow, even when he didn’t say it, he kept losing people.

A curse he couldn’t avoid, there were no shortcuts, only one cruel straight path.

Regto died, Amo had gotten kidnapped, Zanka kept getting himself in situations that made Rudo fear for his life, and Enjin got hurt enough to end up hospitalised. Which was just great.

“Y’know, brat, it wasn’t fatal.” Jabber spoke up again, standing up and stretching like the cat he was, “didn’t hit any vitals, he might have trouble walkin’ this one off but yo’ old man is gonna be just fine.”

The shaking boy blinked at the statement, didn’t hit any vitals was a good thing, Rudo knew it was — but it made him wonder. “What, what happened?”

His sister sighed, she gave a pensive look to Zanka who in return shook his head, but Rudo insisted in his own childish way. He tugged on Zanka’s shirt, his best way of pleading without sounding either needy or angry, two things he really wanted to avoid at the moment. Zanka could ( surprisingly ) be a bit of a pushover in these sorts of situations, it was unexpected for who he usually was but Rudo knew he had a weakness of honesty.

Especially if Rudo was downright babybrained.

So Zanka nodded to Riyo.

“Enjin got impaled.” She said quietly, and Rudo couldn’t help his knee-jerk reaction of practically flinching further into Zanka’s hold. It was embarrassing, but it was so so nice to have that warmth for one fucking moment, warmth he so rarely had. “Jabber’s right, though. Nothing fatal, he’s just out cold right now ‘cause the blood loss got to his big head. Chris said he wasn’t even freaking out, knew he was gonna be fine.”

“Mn.” Rudo nodded, unable to do much else. He felt so utterly pathetic, breathing into his brothers chest and begging some kind of fucking higher power to stop his guardian from being the idiot he was. Reckless, impulsive, stupid. Brave, probably. “He’s okay?”

“He’s okay.” Zanka nodded.

“You’re okay, too.” Riyo added in.

Jabber hummed from where he’d skipped over to look out the windows, “we’re all okay man!” He said enthusiastically, “haven’t y’all been at the hospital before? Bells ringin’, my dudes.”

__________

“You’re being awkward.”

“M’not.” Rudo protested from the corner of the room, not looking at Enjin, who was sitting in the bed like he hadn’t been impaled. Rudo knew he was avoiding him, but hey, he went into the room, alright? Baby steps. 

He knew speaking to Enjin would catapult him into being a god forsaken five year old sobbing for dad, so he was trying to slow the process, to have a conversation before he lost bodily autonomy. He wasn’t really doing a great job at the conversation part. So.

“Yeah you are,” Enjin scoffed, “you’re standing there like you pissed your pants, kid.”

“Shut up!” Rudo grit out, easily embarrassed as always, curling a little in on himself because he couldn’t physically fight Enjin like he usually would’ve. “Say sorry, or something.”

Enjin tilted his head, “sorry?”

“Not accepted.”

“Oi, don’t be a brat.”

Rudo shrugged, still sitting in the chair that was further back instead of the chair by the bed. He pursed his lip, knee bouncing in clear distress as he continued to refuse eye contact. He didn’t want to be in here, he didn’t want to do this whole let’s be vulnerable bullshit.

“Did I scare you?”

He scoffed in reply, rolling his eyes because holy fuck a stupid question, did you scare me? So when he shook his head, thinking no, why would I be scared? Rudo couldn’t help but be pissed at himself for having to raise his arm and wipe at his eyes.  “No.” 

“No?” Enjin hummed, “alright then. That’s good.”

Silence stretched in the hospital room for a little while, and Enjin himself was no longer looking at Rudo either, instead opting to look out the window until his youngest chose to speak.

He never did, no words ever came out, Enjin only snapped his head over when he heard a faint sniffle, and Rudo had curled his knees up to his chest, head hidden in the little open space. 

“Ru—“

“M’fine.” He spat out, “m’just mad.”

His guardian nodded, sighing, “sounds about right. Guess I can’t fault you for that. I was mad at you too.. sooo, even?”

“No!” Rudo’s head snapped up, “that’s, fuck no! You were pissed because I hurt someone else, it doesn’t actually affect you, but you, I’m. I’m mad because you got hurt, don’t act like that’s the same thing.”

Enjin blinked, perplexed at the amount of words Rudo was speaking, practically a word vomit. Especially when upset, he usually never made out full sentences, when arguing he was more prone to it sure but, Enjin just hadn’t expected it. Rudo had been doing a lot of unexpected shit lately.

“Ru, I was disappointed you beat a kid up. I was upset because you were getting hurt due to your own actions, alright? Try to have some perspective.” He spoke calmly, grunting as he readjusted, “I didn’t mean to scare you. It was a work accident, nothin’ fatal. If anything I would’ve preferred you to never know, but the hospital requires familial knowledge or some shit, it’s stupid.”

Rudo shook his head again, biting down into his lips and tightening his hands into fists.

“You didn’t want me to know?”

“You would’ve freaked out. I didn’t want you upset.”

“Well, I am.”

“And I’m sorry.”

This time he nodded, the sort of disbelieving but defeated nod you can only give because if you do anything else, you’ll simply break apart. Rudo ran a gloved hand down his face, his arms hurting and sweaty under the compression, but he shook it off for now.

“Regto’s injury wasn’t fatal.” He said, looking everywhere but Enjin, still. “Not where he was stabbed, at least. He died because of the blood loss. And the, the weapon was rusty, crazy infection in the blood or something I don’t, I don’t know. I just, it’s not about the injury.”

“It’s about the outcome, I get it. But I’m alive, kid. Right here.”

“Yeah well I just didn’t wanna—“ Rudo stopped himself, this time looking over at Enjin, squinting his eyes in anger once more. Because he was angry at himself and the only other place he could vent it out was towards Enjin, it was wrong in some ways but with the current situation, he didn’t care much. Part of him wanted to be honest, for once in his fucking life, because he hadn’t said I love you back and frankly, Rudo probably never would. But he could say something.

“I just didn’t wanna lose another dad.”

Enjin’s eyebrows furrowed, hit by the words — and then he tilted his head again, analysing before realization dawned on him, “shit, you’ve gotten way better at hiding it.”

“Need to,” the boy shrugged, “school. Can’t, can’t just end up like a child because of something minor every day. Been trying to .. y’know.”

“Be a big boy?” Enjin smiled, fond tease fueling his tone. 

“I guess.”

Finally, the two had eye contact for a little moment. Half of Rudo’s face was hidden behind his arm on top of his knees, and the showing part didn’t look necessarily happy to be in Enjin’s near vicinity, but you know. Stubborn kid, and all.

“You won’t lose me, Ru. Wouldn’t let you, swear on it.” 

Rudo looked away, and Enjin stared at the way his frowning eyebrows, downturned in anger, softened until they were practically pushed down, and his eyes welled up — it had been so long since Enjin had seen him cry ( really cry, Rudo had a lot of close calls, such as in the car, and on and on, but the sobbing ordeal still had yet to happen again ). Assumedly not since the first night he ever called him dad, matter of fact. It wasn’t as shocking as it was back then, given the circumstances of the situation, but it hurt all the same. Enjin hated seeing any of his kids upset.

“C’mere Ru. Dad’s fine.”

The boy choked on a little sob, finally managing to stand up on wobbly legs and walk over until he damn near collapsed into the hospital bed, climbing up to lay beside Enjin, curling in towards his guardian. Enjin lifted his arm, ignoring the pain in his stomach, and ran his fingers through Rudo’s hair.

“Why’d you really hit that kid?”

Rudo sniffled, “he was a bitch.”

“I’m sure. Usually that doesn’t end up in you beating them up, though. Just a tad confused, really. I won’t fight you about it, just wanna hear what happened.”

A beat of silence, then, “he said stuff, bout us.”

“Us?”

“Mn. Called Zanka things. And me. And, and Riyo and you and I just– I got really angry, but I didn’t throw the first punch.”

Enjin shifted, “you didn’t? I mean, I know the kid like defended you and all but I assumed that was Amo’s doing.”

“No it was,” Rudo sighed, ignoring the presently falling tears soaking into Enjin’s shirt, “But, Eisha punched him.”

“Ha!” Enjin barked out a laugh, instantly groaning and regretting it when his stomach bloomed in double the amount of pain, even with the things the nurses had him drugged up on. “Seriously? Eisha punched a guy?”

“Was surprised too.” The kid smiled, faintly. “August was probably proud.”

“Oh I’m sure.” 

“But,” he mumbled, curling further into Enjin’s side, “said bad stuff, and got mad. I was— I was already sick, I think.”

“Yeah? What got you sick?”

Rudo.. didn’t really know the answer to that. His arms made him sick — but there was a point to be made that he was anxious, that not being able to seek out his older siblings was slowly tugging at him and just became too much with the addition of everything else. He didn’t know why he was about to pass out in the middle of class or why he lost his shit when he had learnt how to keep it under control.

“I don’t know.” He answered, honestly.

Enjin nodded, chewing on that for a moment. “Alright, kid. That’s fine. Let’s just not go beating up any other kids for now, hm?”

“‘Kay. If you don’t get impaled again.”

“Sounds like a deal, brat.”

____________________

Zanka, for the most part, was somewhat of a heavy sleeper. Well, at the very least the heaviest sleeper in their house, but he also lived with people who woke up at the sound of deep wind — he could wake up at emergency or attack, classic things they teach you when you’re in legacy to Hellguard, always be on guard. Still, Riyo and Enjin possessed traumas much worse than Zanka, and therefore woke up easier out of sheer terror while his was training. Instinct to self defense, but from two different sources.

Regardless of that, he couldn’t sleep tonight. How was he supposed to, anyway? Given that his guardian was in the hospital, he was now the oldest one at home — he needed to keep awake in case of emergency. Which, based on prior experiences, there could most definitely be. Enjin was usually home and also a light sleeper, so all of them were always capable of reaching out.

Now, Zanka just had to do that, just for tonight.

It took a while, but around two hours after midnight, he heard a minor crash from one of the other rooms.

Calculation told him it was Rudo’s, so he assumed that his brother would come in. Rudo had gotten pretty decent at reaching out for help after a nightmare, especially to Zanka ( which was a surprise ) — so he sat up, and waited.

Aaand, waited.

And waited.

Zanka ( stupidly ) went with the assumption that Rudo had gone back to bed, maybe he hadn’t even woken up! He had a tendency of twitching and jerking if he had nightmares, even when they weren’t bad enough to wake up. Maybe he’d accidentally knocked something over. 

That was until he heard Riyo shriek out, “ZANKA!”

Okay so, maybe he had woken up, and maybe he hadn’t gone back to sleep.

Instantly rushing out of bed, Zanka’s initial first reaction was to head to Riyo’s room, but both doors were open which meant someone had crossed the hallway and— “Riyo?”

“In here,” she gasped out, from Rudo’s room. 

Zanka opened Rudo’s door further, “What the hell happene—“  and had to take just about five long, drawn out seconds to process the scene in front of him. Not only were both his siblings on the ground, but there was fucking puke everywhere ( the smell of it hit him right in the face, and his body naturally tried to gag as a reaction, but he had enough decency to swallow it down )— he looked at the corner of Rudo’s mouth, vomit clinging and dripping, alongside with the tears on his face.

The kid was in Riyo’s hold, hyperventilating as if he was genuinely being crushed under a god forsaken building, his eyes somewhere distant. 

Distant in the sort of way that made one wonder whether he was all there or somewhere else, back at sphere or with the police, in the courtroom, maybe even further back, maybe back to when he’d lost one dad, maybe before.

Either way, he lay leaning with his back against Riyo’s chest, and her arm gently placed over his collarbones to keep him steady. Steady wasn’t a great word for how he seemed to be doing at the moment.

Right, right right right.

“It’s fine, Zanka. I trust you, you’ll know what to do if anything happens.”

Zanka didn’t know.

“What happened?” He asked again, more composed this time, trying to keep calm as he slowly approached. He wasn’t calm in the slightest, the same anxiety as always was already crawling up his throat and tugging at his vocal chords, reminding him that hey, you can’t do this, Nijiku. You’ve never known how to help people, hell, you don’t even know how to be people.

But he had to try because the stench of puke was bitter and sharp in his nostrils, which instead of you can’t do this meant your brother really needs you to have a clear head right now because he does not have control of his own.  He’d have his own crisis later.

Riyo shook her head, sighing, because she was just as lost as Zanka was. She had no answer. “I don’t know, heard a crash, thought I was gonna check but he was– just, throwing up.”

Throwing up was an understatement, Rudo was more of a case of being pulled inside out like a pillow case stripped of its insides. There was an unfathomable amount of vomit coating the floor, wet and sickly, and Zanka had no idea what could’ve caused it. 

Puking was a normal trigger response ( at least in his case ) — but not for Rudo, Zanka hadn’t seen Rudo throw up.. ever, really.

“Ru?” He said, calm as he appeared to be, and sat down fully in front of the boy. Rudo swallowed, gagged on it, and tightened his hold on Riyo’s arm. Zanka couldn’t tell if it was good that he sort of acknowledged his presence, or if it was bad because of the way he did it.

“Hey.” He swallowed too, couldn’t help but be nervous because holy fuck. But it was fine, probably just a nightmare, they’d figure it out. He voiced that train of thought out loud, “Nightmare?” 

It was the best attempt he had, but Rudo shook his head, which made Zanka even more confused. No?

Nightmares were almost always the cause of Rudo reacting this sort of way, panicking and incapable deep into the night. Zanka knew that theoretically speaking, triggers could happen at any point but.. had Rudo just laid awake thinking about Enjin’s situation, and then lost it?

“What then?” He tried instead of outwardly assuming.

It was obvious, for just a moment, that Rudo wanted to answer, but instead of any words coming out he just broke apart in immediate and intense sobs, making it a much bigger issue for his breathing problem at the moment. They were ugly cries, entirely toddler-like, with drool and snot and tears becoming one conjoined mess on top of a red and puffy face. Each sob sounded like it was torn out of his throat, scratching like a fractured vinyl, it sounded like it hurt.

Riyo and Zanka caught each others eyes, silently communicating that shit shit shit we can’t fucking do this without Enjin, the last time Rudo had sobbed they’d had Enjin in the house. The only positive difference this time was that he hadn’t crashed a hole through his skull but this time he’d also thrown up everywhere.

So.

So.

Big victories followed with big losses.

“Zan-Zanka,” Rudo sobbed out, words seemingly taking an absurd amount of effort, “gon’ puke.”

Zanka gaped, partially wanted to bicker as usual and say I think you already did, ya skuzz. Have you seen the place? You expect me to clean up after yer mess? , instead, he could only mildly soften his voice and sigh. “I, yeah that’s, that’s fine Ru. Doesn’t matter, get it out.” — Despite the reassurance, he had to look away when the kid gagged and proceeded to make the dogpile of puke even bigger, the floor downright flooding. 

Rudo whined, covering his face with dirty, wet hands. He was trying to hide away from the shame of it all, the puke, the crying, the being small thing. It was also only now that Zanka realised he also wasn’t wearing his compression gloves, and that those shaking arms were probably burning up in unbearable pain. Rudo didn’t mention it, he only continued sobbing into his palms.  

Nobody in this room seemed to have a clear picture of what was really going on.

While Rudo might’ve known what caused the issue, the sickness and assumed dizziness going on probably made him disoriented as fuck — all the while Riyo walked in on him puking his guts out, and Zanka had been witness to even less. 

What the hell was happening?

“Gotta breathe, dude. Come on,” Zanka whispered, gently grabbing onto Rudo’s hands and pulling them down from his face, as to not make the breathing worse. 

It didn’t help much, because his brother just reacted with a pained whimper and blinking up at the ceiling, “I don’kno wha’wrong,” he tried to speak, not particularly successful when choking on the wetness in his throat. “Wan’ dad.”

Yeah, could guess that much, both Zanka and Riyo thought in tandem.

He just seemed so tiny, the brat who was usually so loud and strong, ( Rudo was loud, even if Enjin always thought to describe him as quiet because he didn’t speak much. Rudo roared when striking a hit during his training, he played music too loud when forced to study, his tools brought a headache to Zanka’s room whenever he was fixing items. He was a loud kid in all things but verbally, except right now, he was that too. Rudo was a loud crier. ) it was always off-putting to see him broken down like this, especially when they didn’t know what was causing it. 

Even when he was a somewhat happy kid, which Rudo never really was, because he’d never been a happy kid, but sometimes he’d smile and sometimes he’d laugh, and that was a million times better than any of this painful mess, point was it still felt unusual, because yeah Rudo was his baby brother but he wasn’t a baby but then he also sort of was. So. Zanka was admittedly walking a little blindly here.

“He’s not here right now,” Riyo answered gently, hoping it wouldn’t make it worse — more for Rudo’s own sake than theirs. As scary as it was to see him cry and vomit, there was still the knowledge that him allowing them to see was progress, because Rudo hated it so very much. He couldn’t stand the possibility someone may see him as weak. ( there was also the chance that something had broken him down enough for his barriers to be shattered, which wasn’t progress but instead worse worse worse, but they tried to keep an optimistic outlook to not lose their minds ) So they hoped, for the sake of his own self-esteem, that it didn’t become even worse. “We’re here.”

“Nn, hurts, hurts hhh, holy fuck, m, my head,”  Rudo groaned out, clearly in pain, so much that he wasn’t reacting to Riyo reminding him that Enjin wasn’t here.

Until it slammed into him like a drunk driver on the highway, midnight and all, totally unexpected. Except it was expected and also probable and— you know, whatever. 

“Dad’s not here?” He looked at Zanka, eyebrows furrowing, one of those little saddened hiccups following. 

Rudo in general didn’t experience any form of amnesia, surprising as it was, but in these types of episodes he could get so far into his head that he managed to forget important details, such as oh, dad is dead, and also, oh, dad is in the hospital, because his life was, by the way, a fucking joke.

His brother shook his head, and Rudo immediately just sort of.. drowned, a little bit. It was the best way to explain the way his eyes went cloudy, and the sobbing reduced down to aborted hiccups, his entire body losing its forgotten tension. He had no more reactions to finding out, again, that Enjin wasn’t home. He just melted away. 

It probably wasn’t great, but it meant an end to the pain, for now. Riyo and Zanka could appreciate that as they locked eyes with each other again. Zanka proceeded to grab Rudo, hauling him up like a child with his legs around his waist, and carried him out to the bathroom to sit him on the closed toilet lid. 

Zanka grabbed a cloth and wetted it, crouching down and silently cleaned the puke off of his baby brother. “I still don’t understand what caused this if it wasn’t a nightmare.” He spoke gently, not wanting to startle Rudo if he snapped out of.. whatever this was. Zanka faintly recognized it in the kinda disoriented episodes Jabber would get in the occasional withdrawal, but this wasn’t that ( at least not for the same reason ) so he didn’t know much of what to do. Jabber had once said that distantly he would be able to register Zanka’s presence, and that was comforting enough to either bring him out or keep him stable instead of sinking deeper — so he was going based off of that. Just be there.

He looked over to Riyo who was running a bath, testing the temperature of the water. She shrugged, looking in her own distorted reflection. “Maybe he was just already upset, and it went downhill. Who’s to say?” 

Yeah, Zanka had thought that, but he didn’t want it to be true. He left that idea the second he had it because.. if Rudo was just up and upset, they could’ve prevented it by checking in on him. Zanka already felt guilty for not doing enough, if him not checking in on his brother had caused all of this..

It was too much, right now.

“I guess. I’m just,” Zanka groaned, using the palm of one hand to hold Rudo’s bangs up and continuing to dab his face, “conflicted? I guess. I don’t know how to do this without Enjin being a call away.”

“No?” His sister hummed quietly, “neither do I. Never really been great with kids, they remind me too much of.. myself, I think. Especially upset kids.”

“Ru is always an upset kid.”

“Exactly.” She sighed, then looked over, “but Enjin wasn’t great in the start either. He isn’t always great now. But I mean, as long as we take care of him it’ll be fine, right?”

“I hope.”

Zanka threw the cloth over to the sink, then stood up, Rudo’s head still hanging low without any thoughts seeming to run through his head. Better than too many thoughts, at least. “Arms up, buddy.”

“Mn?”

“We gotta clean ya,” he ruffled Rudo’s hair, avoiding the soaked patches, “you got puke all over.”

Rudo looked up, finally. Then lazily nodded as he held his arms up, and Zanka tugged off his shirt — they got the kid in the bath, and Riyo washed his hair, sitting on the edge of the tub while Zanka sat on the sink after removing the puke cloth.

“Does Amo…” Riyo started, then closed her mouth and shook her head, but Zanka got it immediately anyway.

“Yeah.” He answered, “I didn’t know for a while. Then I slept over at J’s, and— woke up to just, screaming. Not sobbing, right? Just terrified fucking screaming, and Jabber was rushing out of bed and.. I don’t know. We talked about it. He told me that sometimes she practically starts acting like a kid, when it’s really bad.”

There was silence for a moment before he continued, “I didn’t tell him about Ru’. Thought it wasn’t fair to have that information shared around, y’know?”

“I know.” Riyo nodded. 

“I’ll tell her.” Rudo slurred quietly, leaning into the hand scratching at his scalp, and the rest of the room went quiet. “Jus’ didn’ wan’ her to think I was weak.”

It made sense, for who Rudo was. He didn’t care much for how people saw him, as long as it wasn’t as weak. They could see him as mean, as filthy, as bad bad bad and a damn murderer, nothing he could do would change that, and Rudo wasn’t dumb enough to pretend it would — but he didn’t like being seen as weak.

He didn’t quite know where that came from, either. If it was a need to prove himself, or to prove someone else wrong. No one had ever really called him weak, but a lot of people made him feel weak. 

Regto, sometimes. Though that wasn’t his fault, but he was overprotective at times, too worried Rudo would get shoved in a grave or get his gloves stolen like his other little fixables did. That made Rudo feel weak, because someone probably could shove him in a grave, but heaven knows he’d crawl up with aching arms. Someone could steal his gloves just to be a dick, but Rudo would just hit—

‘You almost killed a kid, Ru.’

‘Rudo Surebrec, you’re under arrest for—‘

His family made him feel weak, sometimes. 

In situations like these, where Riyo massages shampoo into his hair to wash puke out because he couldn’t control his body normally when he was.. like this. Where Zanka, Zanka, lowers his voice to something gentle so Rudo’s smaller head wouldn’t get tangled up in the words, easier to understand, easier to process, easier to believe. 

‘You’re okay.’

But Rudo wasn’t really ever okay.

He thought he was. Quite often, actually. He thought he was okay when he was quietly ( not if you ask Zanka )  listening to music while Amo drew and he fixed broken little trinkets, but then he’d be reminded of how odd that space of comfort felt, because of everything they had been through.

He thought he was okay when he sat at the table in the mornings with his family, but then he’d wonder what Regto would’ve thought of them. How he’d thank them for taking care of Rudo, and how he probably would’ve mocked Enjin in private but secretly admired the guy for his strengths.

He thought he was okay when he easily fell into a nice sleep, but then he’d have a nightmare and wake up as a five year old, with no dad to run to.

He thought he’d be okay when he went home from the hospital, but now he sat in a bathtub with a red and puffy face, and an empty aching stomach. 

For Rudo, being okay felt worse than not. Comfortability wasn’t safety, because believing that you’re stable when you’re walking on a straining line is only gonna result in your shock when it snaps. If you’re prepared, you know how to save yourself from the fall — and now.. Rudo doesn’t know how to not plummet to his death.

“You’re not weak,” Riyo said calmly behind him, “you’re a very strong kid, matter of fact. Very brave too, even when you’re a complete idiot.” She giggled, washing the shampoo out.

“Wouldn’t call'im brave.” Zanka snickered from the sink, “more, reckless and impulsive.”

Rudo sank a little deeper into the water, offended by his brother's choice of words. “You’re reckless.”

“Sure, but I’m not impulsive.” Zanka shrugged, smiling to himself, “I’m strategic, Riyo is impulsive.”

“I act on impulse when it’s a dire situation!” 

The three continued lightly bickering, for a little while, until eventually silence came back around them like a warm blanket. Nice, this time, rather than cold and dreadful.

And then Rudo leaned back against Riyo’s leg, even as his hair got her bare thigh a little wet, she didn’t mind. Just continued letting the conditioner soak in for a bit. 

Zanka took that as his sign to clear his throat, and nudge Rudo’s shoulder with his ankle. “When, where and why.”

The kid sighed at the recognition, "I don't need to do that, I’m fine now.”

“Yeah well, you were pretty riled up and seems like yer head got a lil stupid, so humor me. Come on, when?”

It took a few seconds for Rudo to not continue meanly rolling his eyes and hissing like a stubborn cat, but eventually he looked at the ceiling lamp, and answered — “Friday.”

A little sound of ehh came from Zanka, who tilted his head back and forth to signal that no, not really, “actually it’s Saturday, since it’s after midnight, but since you didn’t sleep I’ll let it slide.”

“Thanks, how generous of you.”

“I’ve been told it’s a trait of mine,” Zanka crossed his arms and nodded, then swallowed and continued the usual panic procedure that Enjin told them about after Rudo almost bit Riyo once for trying the breathing exercise thing. “Where?”

Rudo blinked, his eyes hurting from the light of the lamp. Even if it wasn’t super bright, it was still the only light source in this room and therefore became a lot. It was a small bathroom too, to some extent, as small as a bathroom with a tub could be at least. Rudo enjoyed small spaces, big spaces always made him feel too much and too little all the same, like there was no safety in it — he liked the pressure of a tiny space he could fit into.

“Bathroom, home.”

His brother nodded in acknowledgment, “good job.” and Rudo sort of wanted to punch him, first of all because don’t patronize me, second because if Zanka had to praise him for anything, it should be knowing what day it was. But Zanka hadn’t taken his answer as correct, so, whatever.

“And why?”

This time Rudo had to take a deep breath, swallow and.. “because D-“ he cleared his throat, “Because Enjin is in the hospital, ‘n I freaked out.”

Nobody said anything to that, just took it at face value and nodded, because at least Rudo was talking now, and able to explain what the fuck had happened. 

Zanka hated himself for the guilt burning in his stomach, for focusing on himself when Rudo was doing bad, but he just wished he hadn’t been so selfish in his own worry to ignore Rudo’s. Rudo, who struggled severely with people he loved getting hurt — to degrees Zanka and Riyo probably wouldn’t ever quite understand.

The room stayed quiet for a while after that, only the noise of the water around Rudo, and Riyo washing his hair. 

Until.

“I think something’s wrong with me.” Rudo whispered.

There wasn’t an immediate reaction, just silence to take it in, an acknowledgment of its own in that sense.

Zanka looked down, having rested his head against the mirror. “What’s new?”

“Shut up,” Rudo huffed, “no I, I think something’s actually wrong, lately. I don’t know.”

“Lately?” Riyo pried, looking down at him, catching those red eyes — “sure, you have your issues, as we all do, but Zanka’s kind of right. What is new?”

“Mm.” He chewed on that for a second, pulling his knees entirely up to his chest, “I threw up, the other day. After, uh, after punching Koji. I threw up now– I don’t, I don’t know why that happened. I haven’t done that before.”

“You’ve never thrown up?” Zanka huffed.

“Not from— feelings. No. And, and I don’t– I don’t start sobbing like a child unless something happens but nothing happened—“

“Counterpoint, Enjin got hospitalized.” Riyo interrupted.

“Yeah, but if I react then I react immediately, it doesn’t, it doesn’t wait around. I just, I feel like something's wrong with me and I’m, I don’t know what to do about it.”

Both Zanka and Riyo took that in for a moment, trying to find a way to say nothing's wrong with you but also knowing there was no point in that. Rudo felt it, and he should be allowed to feel it — plus, they both knew something was wrong, regardless of what it was or where it came from, brushing this off would just be stupid.

Something had always been a little wrong with Rudo.

Not in the degradatory way, it truly wasn’t an insult, do keep that in mind. 

But in the sense that his heritage alone had fucked his social image up, slowly muddling itself into his brain and making Rudo himself sometimes ask the question am I violent?, and he hated that no never seemed like the right answer. In the sense that Rudo was always a little angry at the world, ready to snap like a hurt kitten baring its fangs. In the sense that Rudo’s pain wasn’t only physical in the shape of the scars on his arms, but mental all throughout his nervous system.

So Zanka adjusted, and cleared his throat once more. 

He hated being vulnerable, not as much as Rudo did but enough to not initiate it on his own — except right now, it just seemed like it was needed. Rudo had opened up by being willing to talk, to admit he knew something was wrong with him, so Zanka could take that extra leap too.

“I used to get real bad panic attacks, y’know?” He let out a breath, “Sometimes still, but they’re not as bad anymore, because I have my family, well, one that’s actually supportive this time.” He shook his head with a small smile, “and I’ve got Jabs. But uh, in the start, when Enjin took me in, they were horrible.”

Riyo nodded, “I remember that.”

“Yeah.” He sighed, “so, I did therapy for a little while.”

A chuckle came from Rudo, “you? You’re usually hellbent on not admitting shit is wrong.”

“Takes one to know one,” his brother shot back, “no, seriously. It.. helped– to talk about what was wrong to someone who wasn’t biased. I talk to Jabber but he’s a dick and will say I’m always in the right even when I’m not, my therapist would let me work out that sometimes I do shitty things. Like pushing you too hard, she would’ve probably gotten me to realize that, if I still went.”

Rudo hummed, “so why’d you stop?”

“I got better. It got better, I don’t really know if it stops, but I don’t need to talk about it much more. If I do, I’ve got Riyo.” He smiled, nudging her with his ankle.

Riyo smiled back, sighing, getting to the conclusion this meant it was her turn. 

“I used to threaten Enjin whenever he woke me up. Slept with a knife by my bed, stabbed him once or twice. I didn’t speak to a therapist but, I don’t know, at some point I realised he wouldn’t hurt me.” She spoke a little awkwardly, uncomfortable talking about feelings much as any of them were. “Something may be wrong, Ru, but it gets better. Even if you do it on your own, or you get help. Either way, it’s not like you’re alone.”

The room returned to its silence, full but still comfortable — there was truths to what they were saying, but all Rudo could really focus on was the fact that he wasn’t alone. Regto had told him that a lot, but there was always the you’re my parent, you have to be there, voice. The people he had now, they didn’t have to. Regto never had to either, Rudo knew. Maybe he’d never really been alone, even when something was so deeply wrong with him. 

Even when he’d been in the courtroom and wondered what the fuck was left for him, he wasn’t really alone, because there was a family waiting somewhere. Time is an illusion, right? So if he had a family in the future, he probably already did back then.

Huh.

“.. I love y’guys.”

He’d mumbled the words, but then all of a sudden it was so silent, more than it had been at any point in the night. He was almost too afraid to look up, and snorted quietly as he sank into the water, “jeez, you don’t have to—“

“Holy shit.” Zanka laughed, “that’s the first time you’ve ever– Rudo, dude.”

“Ohhh and Enjin wasn’t here to hear!” Riyo groaned, whined, really. 

Rudo huffed and puffed in embarrassment, face and ears completely pink when he muttered, “I’ll tell him. Just once.”

Zanka and Riyo smiled, both sighing in relief that, hey, they’d actually succeeded pretty damn well tonight.

“We love you too, Ru.”

____________________

Enjin had been released early, which meant he could either call his kids and let them know because they’d insisted to accompany him from the hospital and home, or he could spend an hour eating and gossiping with Gris. Which he desperately needed.

Seriously, he adored the kids, but they’d been clinging to him for a damn week straight, he had no time to just chill except for when it was alone time and chill. And alone time got boring, man! He wanted to hang out with Gris and Semiu, but damn were the kids fucking persistent. 

He understood why, even if he hated to admit weakness by acknowledging the wound in his stomach at the moment, but it really wasn’t that bad. He’d played the pain down a little so as to not scare the kids, but even then he’d experienced worse — nothing to cry over.

Either way, the new predicament also meant he could surprise them a little bit — so after an hour spent talking about.. his kids, mainly ( god, maybe he was becoming a dad, even when he needed private time with his… friend, he didn’t know any other subjects than ‘did you hear Zanka did this’ and ‘I’m so proud of Riyo’ and ‘nah I really do miss the kid even if I only haven’t seen him in a day but he’s like traumatised and shit and I feel bad and I wanna be there for him’ ). Well, after that! He went home, not without crutches to stabilize his movement and not put too much pressure on his wound, but he made it there and got the door open alllllll on his own! Uh-huh, that’s Enjin for you.

“What’s upppp!” He yelled out when he opened the door, struggling a little with closing it again since he was leaning his weight on a crutch, and settled for throwing the keys onto the nearby kitchen table, “where my favorite kids a—“

Enjin was nearly knocked over ( he could’ve died, he really could have, he was so brave for this terrible thing he was going through that wasn’t at all his own fault ) when a pair of arms came around his waist, and a head full of hair buried into his chest. 

He probably should’ve taken account of that, yeah, but also, Rudo just didn’t do hugs enough for this to have been a possible outcome to prepare for. Sue him.

It was sort of nice, though. 

You wouldn’t hear Enjin ever admitting it, especially not with his kids around to hear, but he adored when they got oddly affectionate. Oddly, because none of them were inherently affectionate with adults — they could be with people of their own age group, but they each had their own reasons for not putting full trust in adults, which meant Enjin always felt a particular amount of adoration when any of them did shit like this. When Riyo was okay sitting in the dark, alone with Enjin, and not having her guard up ( she always had it a little bit up, but when it was less, Enjin was so proud of her ). When Zanka came to Enjin with an issue, without feeling worried about being seen as weak by the man he looked up to the most ( Zanka, also, always worried a little about Enjin being disappointed in him, but Enjin was proud all the same when he could let that go a little ).

And then Rudo. 

Rudo always feared touch, just a little bit. Not to Riyo’s extent, which is why this lineup may seem confusing, because really the one who should be getting praise for reaching out for a hug should be Riyo, but she was startled only by other people touching her, she was entirely comfortable initiating touch herself. Enjin also praised her for that, of course ( at least in his head, he didn’t do it a lot verbally, didn’t want the kids to know how much of a weak spot they were to his heart ) — Rudo was different because every sort of touch startled him at least a little, even a ruffle to the hair, so he so very rarely seeked touch out on his own. The most Enjin recalled of a touch where he didn’t have to push at least a little was a time where Rudo had been freaking out, and after he calmed down, he bumped shoulders with Enjin and rested his head on his shoulder.

But now he was hugging Enjin, which was as confusing, and a little scary, as it was really nice. 

It was also a little troublesome because Enjin really had to lay down and watch TV with his kids in the same room and probably fall asleep in his own bed for the next thirty hours, but all of it could wait if it meant this.

“Hey, what’s up, kid? Miss me that much?” He chuckled, using a free hand to ruffle Rudo’s hair, when he noticed a whine. A pitiful one, and instantly, instincts kicked in ( which he didn’t have, but he’d sort of had to grow over the last two years of Rudo-in-the-fam ). “Woah, shit, hey.”

“Sorry.” Rudo sniffled, “I don’t, I don’t know.”

“No, no that’s fine. Just, look at me for a moment bud.”

It took a second, but eventually Rudo looked up, even if only a little bit, his red eye peeking up at Enjin, who stared perplexed back. Damn. Rough one to come home to, ey? 

“What’s up?” He asked, more quietly this time, petting Rudo’s hair, “did I scare you?”

Rudo really wanted to growl and roll his eyes, saying ‘you already asked that’ — but,  but. 

“Mn.” He nodded slightly, the smallest bit, on purpose, just in the case Enjin wasn’t paying attention and missed it. As previously mentioned, his life was a joke, and that was not the case. 

Instead, the man gaped, confused at the rare emotional honesty, but he appreciated it. He sighed a little, mostly out of fondness, and because there wasn’t anything more serious wrong with Rudo. Zanka and Riyo had told him about last week's disaster, and he’d been sad that it had happened at all, but proud of the kids for handling it themselves. 

“Sorry about that. Told ya, dad’s all good.”

Rudo nodded, and Enjin expected that to be the end of the conversation, yet not entirely surprised when the kid quietly asked “dad?”

“Hm? What’s up, bud?”

.. “I love you.”

. . . 

Enjin blinked, once, twice. Then he blinked again, three times — and then he squinted his eyes, looking around the apartment to see if he could find an anomaly that would prove this wasn’t his universe, or that he was dead. Because, heeeelllooooo? In what world!

Rudo had mumbled the words, tiny and almost incomprehensible, but Enjin had caught onto them like a damn hawk, having learned how to because Rudo’s emotional confessions were always quiet and slurred, but. But damn. Damn. Damn! 

“I, shit. I love you too, Ru. What’s all this about?”

A squeal came from around the corner, and Riyo rushed out, “isn’t it cute!” She jumped a little, then calmed herself and schooled back into her more neutral and calm demeanor, clearing her throat. “He told us too! We didn’t tell you because we didn’t wanna, like, ruin the surprise, heh.”

“It’s almost a little endearing.” Zanka walked out,  “but see that? That’s emotional progress, he’s getting it from me. Premium mentoring, I’d say.”

“Boo, don’t make this about yourself you dick,” Riyo chuckled, then rushed over to join in on the hug, and Zanka followed behind more slowly.

Enjin sighed contently, “I do love all ya kids, but I for real gotta take a leak, don’t cage me in too hard now.”

“You can stay a second.” Riyo hummed happily, and Zanka snorted in agreement — and well, Enjin couldn’t quite fight that.

Rudo was gonna enjoy this, having Enjin home again, and maybe he was gonna enjoy his family cooing at him and trying to get him to say I love you again even when he pushed them away and groaned stop, I never should’ve said it, you guys suck, because, he really did love them. At least now he’d told them, even if he might never again. 

And he’d tell Amo about his.. his brain. His regression, because she wouldn’t see him as weak, she was like him. They’d always understood each other, even when they envied one another, he shouldn’t have worried about this in the first place. 

And he wouldn’t be alone anymore.

He hadn’t ever been. 

Things might’ve not been okay, and they might not be okay for a while longer — he might continue throwing up, or crying or perhaps even punching someone on bad days, his arms would probably never stop hurting and neither would his heart for his lost dad, people would never stop remembering his past, nor would he.

But Rudo wasn’t alone.

He had a family, and regardless of how lost in the past, he knew he’d work on focusing on the present, even through the years it may take to get there. It wasn’t like his family was gonna leave while he learned.

Which was all that really mattered in the end.