Work Text:
Ryland Grace was quickly finding out that blatantly lying to a rock-spider-alien who could literally see through you was not a fun way to spend an afternoon. (Space-afternoon? Morning? No, afternoon, he decided. For the sake of his already quite strained relationship with a normal circadian rhythm).
He’d paused the test he’d been doing in the lab to search for his pen. Which he was now beginning to believe was being spirited away by a stowaway pen-thief. He would set it down on the table only to turn around a few moments later and find it had vanished into thin air.
“Grace do science on floor today, question?” Amusement underscored Rocky’s tone as he rolled his xenonite ball to a stop in front of Grace. “Grace lose pen again? Need attach to hand if keep losing.”
Grace knew he was a little disorganized. Okay, maybe more than a little. Rocky made sure to tell him so. But there was a system! He knew where things were…usually. Following Past-Grace’s train of thought wasn’t too hard most of the time. Misplacing his pen for the fourth time in under two hours was admittedly a record, though. One he would never hear the end of if Rocky found out. So when it happened again not even ten minutes later and Rocky walked in on him crouched low and staring intensely at the ground, his body reacted before he could even form some semblance of an excuse.
He shot to his feet fast, head spinning a little at the change in height. “Nope, just tying my shoe! Don’t wanna trip or anything!”
If a faceless, expressionless creature could roll their eyes, Grace knew Rocky would’ve hit him with the biggest eye-roll known to man. The Eridian raised one clawed limb and pointed towards a spot just shy of Grace’s head.
“Pen behind Grace ear.”
Grace reached up and felt the object of his ire nestled between his temple and the shell of his ear. With a defeated sigh, he set it down on the tabletop. The markers and pens were out for him, specifically. They’d banded together to overthrow him and install a new Lord of the Writing Utensils. He’d chewed on one too many pen caps and they’d had enough.
“Thanks bud. Always the last place you look, right?” Grace glanced over at his open laptop, surrounded by the remnants of his attempt to science his way out of his swarming thoughts, and rubbed the bridge of his nose to stave off the headache he could feel building behind his eyes.
He nearly flinched when he felt Rocky’s ball nudge the side of his calf. “Grace work for long time. Take break now, question?”
That did sound nice, he had to admit. His brief breather seemed to wake up his stomach, which rumbled almost pointedly in response.
“Alright, alright, you win. Break time.”
── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──
They’d decided to sit in the Don’t Go Crazy room, Grace grabbing a tube of food paste and following after Rocky as he thunked his way ahead. Rocky had begun chattering on about different Earth biomes, holding up his light gun excitedly as Grace answered his questions between slurps of chicken flavored goo. Some food had been nice, actually, Grace thought as he laid back on the floor and gazed up at the curved ceiling. Pixelated tree branches waved gently in the false breeze, leaves rustling softly. With his eyes closed, he could almost pretend he was lying on a soft forest floor, enjoying a pleasant summer afternoon.
“Rocky check navigation coordinates this morning. Almost half-way to Erid!”
“Really? Wow, not much longer to go!” Grace sat up, chuckling softly as Rocky bounced back and forth excitedly in his ball. “You must be ready to see Adrian again, huh?”
Rocky grew more subdued at that, angling his carapace down. He lifted one arm up; Grace got the sense that if he had eyes, he’d be studying it intently. The greenish-blue inlays glinted a little in the artificial lighting.
“Miss Adrian much. Has been many years since last seen them, talk with them,” Rocky set his arm down. “Rocky miss their ♫⋆｡♪ ₊˚♬ﾟ.”
“Need word,” Grace looked over at Rocky.
“Similar to warm. Liking person’s presence, liking their inside self.”
Grace smiled a little. “Like a soul. Someone’s spirit.” They’d talked about that concept a little before, though it had gotten a bit difficult to follow on Rocky’s end. Eridians leaned more atheist or agnostic, from what Grace had been able to gather: the concept of theoretical metaphysical forces beyond science had been particularly perplexing to Rocky, and the idea of souls had taken a while for him to explain in a way the Eridian seemed to understand. Grace got the feeling he still didn’t completely get it, but the general idea seemed to click. He’d likened it to one’s personality, which was close enough, in Grace’s opinion.
“They are very good at science, like what Grace does. Cell science.” Rocky went on, settling his carapace at the base of his ball and curling his legs underneath him. “Adrian very smart, notice many things Rocky does not.”
“That’s saying something, considering you’re in the top spot for world’s nosiest alien. You’re like a secret agent, the way you creep around the ship.” Grace laughed. “I can’t figure that out either, your ball is so loud coming down the hallway.”
“Not Rocky fault Grace bad at secrets.”
“Yeah yeah, whatever you say James Bond.”
“Rocky more like Columbo.”
“Yeah, Bond is too flashy. And yes, we can watch more Columbo tomorrow.” Grace waved his hand in a shooing motion as he sat up. “Back to what you were saying, with Adrian! They’re a biologist?”
“Yes, Adrian study Eridian life. They help Eridian scientists plan for trip to Tau Ceti. To save Erid.” Rocky grew quieter, rubbing two claws against each other. “Adrian very strong. In body and in head. Was upset Rocky wanted to go on mission, but also understood why Rocky need to. Adrian sleep next to Rocky night before mission launch, was calm and helped Rocky feel ready.”
The landscape video changed, the vibrant green trees flickering to a large open field. Stalks of pale yellow grass and wheat ruffled in a gentle wind, against a pale blue sky dotted with puffy white clouds. Picturesque, beautiful, but the sight sent Grace’s heart plummeting into his stomach.
“Before I left, Adrian told Rocky. Proud to be Rocky mate, very brave. Said Our love remain solid. Steady. Unchanging. No matter distance. No matter time. Will be together again one day.”
Grace fidgeted with his hands, forcing himself to swallow around the lump in his throat. “They sound incredible, Rocky. I’m…I’m glad you’ll get to see them soon, I’m sure they’re gonna be over the moon to see you too.”
Rocky trilled softly, and despite the growing dread pooling in his gut, Grace felt a modicum of comfort from the sound as it vibrated through his chest.
“What about Grace?”
Grace glanced down towards his friend. “Hm? What about me?”
“Day before mission. What did Grace do? How spend time before leaving?”
Grace barely suppressed the shudder that raced down his spine. He kept his eyes away from Rocky (though he probably could see him anyway). Whatever. He needed to get away from this conversation, now.
“Nothing much, really. Took a walk around outside. Said my goodbyes. All that jazz.”
There was no way Rocky couldn’t tell he was lying. Grace half expected his pants to suddenly burst into flames. It’d be a decent distraction anyhow, if only the laws of thermodynamics could bend to his will. Things a normal, well-adjusted person thinks to themselves. Which Grace is. Definitely.
Grace stood up with a sharp clap of his hands. “Well, I think that’s enough of a break! I should get back to it, then. I’ll see you later, Rock.”
He took off before Rocky could get a word in edgewise. Back to the lab, back to his notes, back to his laptop. Something that’s safe, that he knows. Something to dive into that would banish the echoes of shouts at his back and phantom hands grabbing his arms, that would get rid of the feeling of dirt wedged under his fingernails.
── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──
Grace powered through another science sesh, stubbornly ignoring the ache that seemed to permeate through every inch of him. He knew he was petering out, but he’s pulled all-nighters before. Many in a row in grad school. It’ll be fine.
He stared off at the table for a while, dipping in and out of a doze, until he nearly fell out of his chair at the tell-tale sound of Rocky entering the lab.
His computerized voice was soft, somehow, as Rocky approached his friend. “Is late. Rocky watch Grace sleep now, question?”
The thought of succumbing to sleep is…tempting. His muddled thoughts pulse uncomfortably against his skull, and he grimaced his way into a reassuring smile.
“No, I’m alright. I’m in the zone, and I wanna keep going. Keep that flow…flowing.” Not his best, but…Well. Maybe he’s convincing enough.
Rocky stamped his foot, the sound thunking dully as it compounded with the headache that’s bullied itself snugly behind Grace’s eyes. “Is obvious Grace tired. Can finish tomorrow. Grace need sleep for-“
A flash of annoyance and Grace found himself rounding on Rocky. “I’m not a child, alright? I’m perfectly capable of going to bed myself.”
“Been here all day, barely ate anything, did not have water.” Rocky rattled off while he paced a little in his ball, sending it rocking back and forth near Grace’s feet.
“I ate earlier, you were there, remember?” He needed to stop, but his mouth was running away from him. “Of course you do. But apparently I’m a dumb human who just sits here waiting for you to come boss me around. Surely you have better things to do?” The clunk of the ball is like a gong, each step rattling his skull. “Will you please stop making that noise?!”
Rocky halted abruptly, startled. He angled his carapace towards Grace intently, like he was studying him and Grace couldn’t have that right now.
“Just…Just leave me alone, alright? I’m fine.”
He spat out, anger already wearing off into guilt in the back of his throat, and he stormed off as best as one can on a cramped spaceship floating in the middle of space.
── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──
Grace holed up in the cockpit, stubbornly trying to write up notes on his laptop. He can barely keep his eyes open. The fatigue is as stubborn as he is, it seems, weighing on his shoulders and pressing more and more insistently. He briefly imagined it as hands grasping and pushing him down, knees digging in the dirt, heart racing like it might escape his chest if it beats fast enough-
A soft chirp pulled him from the memory, and he blearily spotted a familiar Eridian poking up from the entryway of the cockpit. Rocky raised one claw in a half-wave.
Embarrassment at his outburst turned in his stomach. “Rocky, I-“
“Grace come sleep, statement.”
The urge to argue bubbled up almost reflexively. Grace swallowed and kept his eyes fixed where he can’t feel Rocky’s invisible gaze picking him apart.
“Been awake too long.” He’s wary, Grace can hear it in his voice, but he also picks out a soft quality that has him squeezing his eyes shut in its tenderness.
“I-”
“Rocky have surprise for Grace. Will show to you, if Grace come sleep.”
And how could he say no to that? Curse him and his curious brain. Grace nodded stiffly and let Rocky lead him out from the cockpit and down the hall towards the dormitory.
As they arrived, Rocky motioned for him to go in excitedly. The lights are dimmed to a comfortable level, not too bright but enough to cast a low orange hue across the space. One of the corners has been transformed into a little nook; lots of blankets and pillows along the wall and floor, the fold-out bed Grace usually slept in is put up and out of the way to make a little more room. It’s nice and soft and quiet.
“Wait here, Rocky will be back!” Rocky gestured for Grace to sit down, and he did just that.
Grace sat cross legged in the middle of the nook, feeling hazy from exhaustion. Nausea from his earlier blow-up sat heavy in the pit of his stomach. He hadn’t meant… God, he was just a mess. And for Rocky to do something so nice just for him? Grace felt like the biggest tool in the toolbox. He's so lost in his thoughts that he nearly jumped when Rocky scampered back into the room… Wait. Wait wait wait. Scampered? But his-
“Rocky work on better suit. Ball okay, but now Rocky can do this!” He walked (walked!) closer to Grace, who sat there frozen, mouth agape. He was wearing a suit akin to the one Grace had worn when visiting Rocky’s ship way back when, but thinner, more refined. The triangular panels of the xenonite material shimmered as Rocky approached.
“It’s. You. Uh. Y-You made a suit.” Grace managed while his brain rebooted. His heart is in his throat. Rocky came to a stop a few inches from Grace, two arms outstretched.
He blinked rapidly, scarcely able to breathe as he slowly closed the distance and wrapped his arms around his friend. It’s warm. It’s so warm. Rocky hummed happily, and Grace squeezed him so tightly his arms began to shake. He almost can’t believe this isn’t a sleep-deprived hallucination. But Rocky rubs his claws lightly across his spine, and it’s the best thing he’s felt in years.
They exist there for a while, rocking back and forth a little. Grace stirred from the pleasant haze he’d been floating in when Rocky moved his arms from Grace’s back. A soft sound slipped out of him, emanating from his chest, and he lifted his head from where it’d been resting on Rocky’s carapace only to stiffen when the sensation of fabric draped over him. Rocky pulled Grace’s quilt around his shoulders and hummed softly, and this is what opens the floodgates.
Stubborn tears leaked down his cheeks, which he tried to scrub away with his hand. Gasping, stuttering breaths punch their way out of his lungs. He’s dimly aware of Rocky chittering worriedly.
“Is okay, Grace is okay! What’s wrong, question?”
“I don’t-I can’t-” He buried his face in his hands. His voice is shaking. “I’m a fraud. I don’t d-deserve this. I’m not.. I-I’m not like you.”
“Not true. Grace is hero, we save stars-”
“No!” It feels important to explain. “No, I’m not.”
“Grace was brave when we went fishing for Taumoeba.” Rocky is lingering in front of him, right next to his knee. He wanted to reach out for that embrace again, but he kept his hands fixed firmly in his lap.
Grace shook his head. “I’m not a hero. Not like you. I never wanted this.”
“What Grace mean, ‘never wanted this,’ question?” Rocky stamped the ground sharply to emphasize.
“Remember what you said the other day? About wanting to be a part of the mission.” Grace swallowed hard, ignoring the way his eyes stung. “I didn’t choose. I never wanted to be a part of this. I didn’t want to get sent up here.” A sort of strangled noise escaped him. “They made that choice for me.”
Rocky is silent save for one questioning note.
Grace went into more detail about the mission. It almost felt like he was watching himself from across the room as he explained about how he’d wanted to help research the astrophage, who Stratt was, how he’d ended up becoming Stratt’s right hand man: the guy who knew the most about astrophage. Or that he was talking about a completely different person.
He talked about the accident during a test that killed the other scientist astronauts. No one was left who could handle the mission. He was the best option. They were out of time, and he was the best man for the job. “They asked me to decide, but it was never really up to me. I told them I couldn’t. I knew the stakes, but I just couldn’t…I don’t have it in me. I told Stratt, but she- She told me I had to go.” Now that he was saying it aloud, it felt like he couldn’t stop. Words kept pouring out of him. “She had guards come to sedate me, get me ready for the launch. I told her no, she was-that she was murdering me, sentencing me to a death I wanted no part in.” Grace ran a hand through his hair.
“Maybe that’s where I messed up. I told her I'd sabotage the mission, that if she sent me up there I wouldn't …” His hands trembled against his face. He resisted the sudden urge to hide behind them again.
“It’s sort of a blur…I remember bolting out of the building, running for the fence. I wasn’t fast enough, they tackled me to the ground, and I saw–” Flashes of the soldiers and Carl standing silhouetted against the sun seared across his vision. “They put me under. I was in a coma until I woke up here, on the Mary, light years from earth. My crewmates dead for who knows how long.”
The silence after his impromptu speech is a deafening press on his ears.
"Rocky hate Earth."
"No, Rock—it's not…it's not that simple-"
"Grace friends hurt him. Can not imagine-" A buzzing, whirring noise emanated from within Rocky's carapace; it reminded Grace of an angry swarm of bees. "Could never do that to friend. To Grace. Lied, betrayed. Hurt Grace."
Rocky was unable to sit still. His insides were a furious furnace of sound as he made his frustration known, punctuated by mutters and clicks that were too fast and low pitched for the translator to pick up.
"Take Grace memory. Is not-Cannot-" He makes an almost growl-like noise, and Grace remembered that Eridians don't forget things, really. He'd semi-made peace with the fact that he would likely never remember everything from before the mission; what with the time dilation plus the amnesia cocktail and coma, along with the nature of aging in general. Or he's just really great at compartmentalizing. Dealer's choice, at this point.
So this revelation is more terrifying in concept to an Eridian. An act that goes against the very nature of a species like that. The reciprocal pang of terror and fury is sharp and heady as Grace imagined Rocky telling him about something like that happening to him, instead. An intrinsic element of a being ripped away on purpose, in the name of salvation. For better odds of survival.
"Rocky, it was for the greater good." Grace tried to ignore the bitter taste those words left in his mouth. His voice shakes anyway.
Rocky halted in his agitated pacing. Grace took that as a sign to continue. "There wasn't any other option. It made sense. Stratt…she knew what had to happen. One life in exchange for the rest of the planet. It's the only choice, really. I get why she did it."
Rocky returned to the spot in front of Grace, less visibly upset but still quivering slightly. The indignation on his behalf chased some of the bitterness away.
"Stratt believed in me when no one else did. Not even myself. She saw something in me and knew I could do incredible things with it. She took a risk…" Something close to a smile ghosts across his face. "Well. Maybe not a risk, she never took risks. She knew things would work out. Maybe she just believed in them hard enough that they had no choice but to come true." He sighed. "I don't know.
"The Earth would probably be doomed if she hadn't been in charge of the project. I don't think anybody else had the iron will she had to see the thing through."
And yet.
"She saw the value of having someone like me there. Keeping me around."
And yet.
"And it paid off for her, in the end, didn't it? For everyone." Except me. "With the accident and everything…"
And yet. He can't ignore the way his lungs burn at the thought of her, of the crew, of Earth. The acrid taste of vitriol that bubbled inside him when he's reminded of what he's lost. Of the things he can never see or hear or feel or touch or experience ever again. Of how small he had felt as she told him what would become of him.
No immediate family. You don't even have a dog.
No ties. A nobody, alone, nothing keeping him from vanishing without a trace.
He's startled out of his thoughts when Rocky gently rests his claw on top of Grace's forearm. The weight is pleasant and grounding.
"Is okay to be upset. To be scared." He paused for a moment, thinking. "Rocky still think Earth humans are cruel for forcing Grace to go. But..." He looked almost nervous as he carefully chose his words. "...were right to believe in you. Rocky might be selfish to think this, but am glad that Grace is here, that you could help Rocky solve astrophage problem." Shivers ran down Grace's arm as Rocky traced the rough scar his claw had left there so long ago. "Grace is smart and capable. Could not predict accident, could not know."
The wild desire to press every inch of his skin to Rocky's carapace, to melt completely into the inviting warmth radiating outward lighted through his nerves and tingled in his fingertips. But it could not drown out the guilt that wormed uncomfortably inside him, that he felt even a sliver of anger at the circumstances. The morbid thought that maybe he'd brought this on himself, the spiral of what-ifs that plagued the dark corners of his mind. The terrifying reality that he was not a heroic man. Someone who, when push came to shove, could only think of himself in the moment when it had mattered most.
"Is not Grace's fault what happened."
Grace reluctantly pulled his arms back, crossing them tightly over his chest. He sidestepped Rocky's words. "I told them I'd ruin everything. That I'd sabotage everything. That's not…I'm not good. I'm not a good person. I'm not courageous or bold or anything I should be. God, I couldn't even save myself."
Rocky warbled with concern. Grace plowed ahead.
“And when you told me about Adrian, I just…I don’t deserve to meet them, to be celebrated. Your people, they deserve someone better than me.”
The words hang heavy in the air. It’s quiet, aside from the ambient noise of the Mary in the background, which only made the silence squeeze harder against Grace’s ears. Rocky is motionless.
“Grace stupid.”
“Wh-”
Grace let out a startled oomph as Rocky poked him in the chest with one limb, pushing him back against the wall (thankfully cushioned with a blanket).
“Grace is hero. Grace and Rocky save stars. We save Erid, Earth. We save home.”
“No, I-” Grace trailed off as Rocky placed a claw to Grace’s mouth, shushing him.
“No, Grace not talk. Listen to Rocky now.” Grace nodded, stunned into silence.
"How Grace ended up on astrophage mission, what happen on Earth. Is unfair, to ask that of someone. But Grace is not center of the world. Everything not revolve around you." Rocky's tone is simultaneously frustrated yet soft. "Many people make many decisions, what Grace say or do before that was not...reason, for it to happen." He whistled wryly (if a whistle could sound wry). Humans think about selves too much."
Embarrassment swirled uncomfortably through him, stinging his eyes. Grace turned his head to the side as best as he could while still pressed to the wall by nearly eight-hundred pounds of well-meaning Eridian.
"Galaxy is so big. Did universe ask you if it could make more planets?"
"Rocky, wh-"
"You are not why the stars exist. Everything happens, not part of big plan. Grace choose to join astrophage research team. Is one small choice along all the choices from others you work with. Grace joining mission on Mary is not punishment. Was not fair, or what should have happened. Right to feel angry-angry-angry," Rocky stamped his foot as his voice wavered in sympathy. "Wish Rocky could fix. Sad to see Grace hurting.
But was just...chance. How life went. And Grace decide to stay and keep going, because you are good."
Grace's breath caught in his throat.
“Grace think not brave. Grace stupid from no sleep,” Rocky made a low whistling sound, almost like a teakettle about to boil. “Not brave to go out on ship to catch message from Rocky? Is not brave to gather Taumoeba from Adrian? We almost die to get it, is not brave to risk life like that?”
“That’s different, I-”
“Is not brave to rescue Rocky after?”
“I get it, Ro-”
Rocky leaned closer, causing Grace to lean back far enough that he landed horizontally on the padded floor.
“Is not brave,” Rocky’s volume lowered, but his tone is still firm. “To come back for Rocky, after astrophage leak, even though Rocky could have already died?”
Grace stilled underneath him, staring at his friend above.
“Rocky think very brave to leave Earth behind. To save Rocky. Difficult choice. Can never thank Grace enough. Would not be here if Grace take easy road.”
“I…I couldn’t leave you, Rock. Not after everything we’ve been through.” He can’t keep the quaver out of his voice, hoarse with emotion.
“Does not matter if Grace was brave in past. Before mission, before Rocky. Grace chose to ignore fear, to help save stars. Even though Grace not have memories at first, even when things go wrong. Even when Grace alone.
Maybe Grace think not hero, but Rocky think so. Grace is brave to Rocky. Is all that matters now.”
The words feel like greeting the sun after the storm. Hot tears tracked down Grace’s cheeks, and he covered his face in his hands as his breath hitched shakily. The sound of his hiccupping sobs have Rocky maneuvering himself off of Grace, gingerly settling against him while Grace turned on his side, burying his face between Rocky and the blanketed floor below him. He curled closer when Rocky began to gently trace a claw in soothing patterns along his shoulder and back.
They sat quietly while Grace cried himself out, Rocky humming gentle tones every now and then. They reverberate somewhere deep in Grace’s chest, pleasantly settling through his skin and in his bones. It melted the tension out of his neck and back; Grace sniffled and let the tension go with a deep exhale. He took a few more stuttering breaths in and out, keeping his face tucked into his dark little corner. He wasn’t quite ready to fully face the world, and either way he knew Rocky would be able to see him fully. Perks of an echolocating best friend.
“Thanks, Rocky.” Grace’s voice is raw and muffled against the soft material of the blanket under him. “I’m glad you’re here with me.”
Rocky’s claw searched the space near Grace’s head and pulled his quilt over his shoulders, situating it comfortably over his curled form. “Grace not alone anymore. We not alone anymore.” Rocky brushed his hand against Grace’s own, which had both been tucked close to his chest in loose fists. Grace cuddled closer and took Rocky’s hand in his, smiling at the pleased chirp Rocky made in response.
“We have each other.” Grace squeezed Rocky’s hand, feeling lighter than he had in weeks.
“Sleep now. Grace need it.”
He laughed, though he felt more than heard it as he drifted further from consciousness. “Can’t argue with you there.”
The last thing his mind perceived were the ethereal hums Rocky intoned as a lullaby, leading him to a peaceful rest nestled among the stars, towards home at last.