Chapter Text
Chapter 1
Come Fill Me Again
Buck hears the jingle of keys, the click of the lock and the whoosh of the front door. Then he hears the knock. He lets out an amused huff.
“You know in most civilized societies it's considered polite to knock before opening the door. Some would even go so far as to recommend waiting for an invitation first.” He protests with mock irritation.
“Good thing you’re not civilized society then, Buck.” Eddie’s voice retorts from the entryway.
His tone is warm and friendly and Buck knows there’s no actual malice behind the insult. This fact is confirmed by the soft smile tugging at Eddie’s lips when he appears in the living room a second later, several bags of groceries looped over his arms. His eyes immediately find Buck and his smile slips slightly as his gaze starts to rove across Buck’s face and torso, silently assessing.
Buck tries not to squirm under the intensity of his friend’s scrutiny. It’s been one week. One week since Buck confessed everything to Chimney and the entire 118 family had shown up to support him through his withdrawal. Last night had been the first night in that week that Buck’s friends had allowed him to be alone and, clearly, that decision had not been easy on Eddie. Buck opens his mouth to reassure his best friend that he’s okay, only to let it fall closed a moment later when he realizes it would be pointless. He’s been telling Eddie he was fine every day since they left New Mexico and every day it had been a lie. What reason would Eddie have to believe him now?
A twitch of Eddie’s hand catches Buck’s attention, and he knows instinctively that the paramedic is resisting his urge to check Buck’s vitals. Normally, the desire would be endearing, right now though, it just fills Buck with guilt. How much has he scared Eddie? How much has he broken his trust? Will their friendship ever be the same?
“I have something to show you.” Buck announces, forcing his voice to sound light.
Eddie deposits the groceries on the counter as he follows Buck to the dining area.
“Ta-da!” Buck exclaims, gesturing to where he had moved the table and taped a giant circle outline on the floor. “Made it to Chris’ exact specifications. Oh, and I got these.” He adds hastily, holding up the robotics kits he paid expedited shipping for.
“Oh.” Eddie falters “This is really thoughtful, Buck. But, uh, Chris isn’t allowed to use a commercial robot. He has to make everything himself. I’m sorry. I would have included you more, but Chris only told me right before we left for the firefighter games and after we got back…”
“It’s okay.” Buck cuts in “I actually read through the rules for all of Christopher’s events on the official Science Olympiad website. I know you’ve already helped him build a robot, but if he’s going to have to push other robots out of the circle at the competition, I figured he needs something to practice against. Hence the kits. I’ll have his sparring partners assembled before he gets out of school today. I also made some flash cards of bird species to help him study for his ornithology event and I found a great documentary on the lifespan of dwarf stars we can watch together tonight to cover astronomy.”
“Did you get any sleep last night?!” Eddie scolds. Then adds more gently “You didn’t have to do all of this. You’re supposed to be focusing on your needs right now…not mine.”
“Maybe what I need is to be there for my best friend whose kid decided to join an intense science club right before the statewide competition.”
A hint of emotion sparks behind Eddie’s eyes, but he ducks his head and turns away before Buck can define it.
“Yeah, I’m still surprised Chris joined another science club, especially since the last one was just a ruse to spend time with his friends unsupervised.” Eddie says casually as he moves to put away the groceries.
“Well, this might be something similar.”
“No. Chris is working hard. He’s actually going to all the meetings. I’ve met his coaches and even some of his teammates.”
“Mmmm.” Buck smirks at his friend’s naïveté “Well, I haven’t met any of his teammates but somehow I still know Brianna is team captain, she’s a senior, she’s such a genius that she skipped a grade, she loves spicy food, she’s learning Arabic, she volunteers with an early literacy program and she thinks my macarons are to die for.”
“Are you saying I’ve been spending all my free time watching engineering tutorials on YouTube just so my son can impress a girl?”
“What can I say? Chicks dig smart guys.”
“Must be why none of your girlfriends have stuck around.” Eddie quips with a grin.
Buck punches him in the arm which only makes Eddie’s smile grow more toothy. The rest of the day passes with similar banter as they build robots, clean Buck’s house and go to get Chris from school together. It all feels so comfortable and familiar that when Buck finally climbs into bed that night, with Chris in his spare room and Eddie on his couch, he can almost let himself believe nothing has changed.
~
Reality crashes in the next morning. Buck serves the Diaz boys a delicious breakfast of pancakes and eggs for which they thank him profusely and then…they leave. Buck sinks onto his couch as the emptiness settles around him and tries not to feel resentful. He knows he shouldn’t be. His friends dropped everything to be there for him around the clock for days without asking anything in return. Eddie had even sacrificed some of his personal leave to give Buck more time. It’s not his friends’ fault they all have lives they need to return to. And yet, it still hurts because Buck has nothing. No spouse. No kids. And now, no job.
He remembers telling Maddie before the bachelor auction that he was going to embrace maturity. That he was ready to settle down. But instead of actually doing that he had gone and blown up the only good thing he had in his life…the 118. His job. His purpose. His family.
He might lose all of that now. He had risked everything that really mattered to him. And for what? A temporary feeling of oblivion? A brief escape from the knowledge that the only person in his life who had wanted to hold onto him and never let go was a serial killing psychopath who had only wanted him to take the place of her braindead son.
Whoa! He needs to be careful with thoughts like that. That’s what got him into trouble in the first place and he can’t screw up again. If he’s going to get his job back and regain his friends’ trust he needs to do everything right…including patiently waiting out his suspension.
With a sigh he flops over on the couch, but the couch smells like Eddie. Somehow the scent makes Buck feel both completely surrounded and completely alone at the same time. Okay! He needs to get up. Right now. Preferably before he starts pathetically cuddling and crying into the cushions that smell faintly of his best friend. Just because he can’t work with Eddie and the rest of the 118 right now doesn’t mean he can’t be useful…somehow.
~
It turns out there are a lot of ways a person can be useful once they pull themselves off the couch. Buck cans homemade applesauce for baby Nash, knits a scarf for Jee, deep cleans the fridge at the call center, picks up Maddie’s dry cleaning, mows her and Chimney’s lawn, cooks them dinner, does their dishes and reads a bedtime story to his niece and nephew before calling it a day.
The next day he meal preps a week's worth of dinners for Chris and Eddie, weeds Aunt Pepa’s flower beds, washes her windows and sands her fence so Eddie can repaint it after his shift. Of course, Buck helps with that too.
After that he cleans the upholstery in Karen’s car because Denny and his friends spilled milkshakes on the backseat. He also vacuums the floors and washes the exterior, before giving Mara a roller blading lesson. He helps Athena unpack the last few boxes from her move, organizes and stocks her new kitchen, changes the oil in May’s car, drops off her Amazon returns and vets potential repairmen for Ravi’s newest apartment complex.
Buck’s halfway through his second week of suspension when his therapist accuses him of using service as his new drug, his new coping mechanism to hide from his true feelings. That can’t be right though. Can it? He’s helping his friends because he loves them. Because he wants to be there for them like they were there for him. Those are honest, good feelings. So why should he stop? It’s not like baking some bread for his neighbors is a self-destructive habit like the opiates were. And yeah, maybe he accidentally makes too many loaves but he’s on pretty good terms with Maddie’s neighbors and Eddie’s too, so it’s really not a big deal when he also shares with them.
Buck’s standing on Eddie’s front lawn when Chimney calls with an update. The internal affairs officer assigned to Buck’s case is conducting a very thorough investigation. There have been rumors that Chief Simpson is questioning Chim’s effectiveness as a leader. Something about Eddie jumping off a bridge, Hen passing out at an active fire, Chim pulling strings to get her rehired, and Eddie getting attacked by an ex-patient’s psycho dad has upset the fire chief and made him question if the 118 is capable of following protocol.
“Promise me you will keep going to therapy, you will stay clean and out of trouble, and you will not give this guy any reason to make an example out of you, Buck.” Chimney pleads through the phone.
The earnest emotion in his brother-in-law’s voice makes Buck’s skin crawl. He gives the necessary promises before ending the call, but words aren’t enough to soothe the tense energy pumping through his veins. He needs to do something. Fix something. Prove himself.
That’s how he ends up in Eddie’s shower. His head buzzes with repressed feelings of shame as he braces himself against the bathtub and meticulously scrubs the grout around every tile until it’s spotless. When he steps back to examine his work he feels…Accomplished? Maybe. But also kinda icky. Did he really just break into his best friend’s house and launch a war against soap scum like his very life depended on it?
Buck grinds his palms into his eye sockets and leans back against Eddie’s sink. Maybe his therapist has a point. Maybe Buck is avoiding things. He should probably think about that. Just not in Eddie’s bathroom. Not that Eddie would be mean about it. If he came home and found Buck having a psychological crisis on his bathroom floor he might be surprised at first, but in the end he would sling his arm across Buck’s shoulders and sit with him till it passed. Eddie would be gentle. He would take care of Buck and Buck would be grateful. Grateful, but not happy.
Buck locks the front door on his way out and says a silent prayer to the universe that Eddie is not the kind of guy who pays attention to his shower grout.
~
Turns out thinking about things is overrated. Thinking about things makes it hard to sleep. Thinking about things makes it hard to sit still. Thinking about things makes the walls of your house feel so confining that you have to drop everything and go for an early morning trail run.
Buck’s mind feels comfortably blank as his arms pump through the air and his feet pound against the dirt. He’s not quite sure how long he’s been running but considering the sun has fully risen it’s probably been a while. He needs to get back to his car so he can retrieve his phone and respond to the plethora of check-in texts he’s certain he’s missed before his friends decide to send out a search party. He’s almost back to the trailhead when a deep male drawl cuts through the air from somewhere behind the trees and shrubs to his left.
“Well, pretty little miss, I’m afraid the van’s a complete loss, but if you’d like to join me for breakfast maybe your whole day doesn’t have to be.”
There’s a brief pause, during which Buck tries not to gag, and then a steady female voice responds.
“I have a couple words of advice. First, I’m 38. I’m pretty sure that qualifies me to be called ma’am. Second, you can stop preening and posturing. I don’t engage in elaborate mating rituals.”
“Ah,” the man practically moans, “so you’re saying you like to get straight down to business.”
“No, I’m saying I’m asexual and I’m closed for business.” the woman counters.
“You're a sexual?” the man’s voice sounds puzzled for a second, but switches back to sickenly syrupy when he adds “A sexual what?”
Buck’s pretty sure he just vomited in his mouth.
“Asexual means a person who does not experience sexual attraction.” he shouts through the brush in annoyance.
When he rounds the final bend a moment later he’s met by a petite blonde woman whose cat eye glasses, soft curly bob and emerald green swing dress make it seem like she stepped right out of the 1950s. Just behind her a scruffy guy in a mechanic’s uniform is leaning against a rusty VW van that looks like it's been on its last leg for the last 30 years.
“Okay? Thanks.” the mechanic mumbles, shooting a look at Buck that is equal parts confusion and irritation, before prodding the woman in the arm “Maybe you just haven’t met the right person.”
“I suppose that’s a fair hypothesis, but considering there are over 8 billion people in the world it’s not really feasible for me to conduct an accurate study on the matter. However, based on all the inputs I have received up to this point, including your physical specimen, I can say without reservation that I have not yet laid eyes on a person I want to have sex with.” the woman proclaims with calm confidence and then adds “I do need a ride though.”
“Great!” The mechanic exclaims “I’ll get my tow cable hooked up to your van and then we can…” he makes a circling gesture between the two of them as he bites his lip “see where this goes.”
The woman shuts her eyes and presses a finger to her temple with palpable exasperation.
“My truck’s just down the road” Buck pants, hands on his knees as he catches his breath post-run “I can give you a lift if you’d like.”
“That would be lovely.”
~
“So what are you running from, Buck?” the woman, Hannah Young, asks from the passenger seat as they drive back into town.
“Uhhhh, wha-” Buck stammers, caught off guard by the intimate feel of the question from a relative stranger.
“Too personal? Sorry. I swore off small talk a long time ago. I know it can be disconcerting. It’s just, we have a finite amount of time in which we can put words to the human experience. Seems a shame to waste it on meaningless subjects like baseball and the weather.” Hannah confesses, her voice open and genuine.
“Okay, yeah. I guess I could see that. Why, uh, why do you think I’m running away from something though?”
“Besides the fact that you were literally running when I met you?”
“Running is a great form of cardiovascular exercise.” Buck states factually like he’s reading from a textbook.
“Your clothes gave it away. Baggy sweatpants that hang down too low, oversized t-shirt, slip-on sneakers with no support. An inexperienced runner might actually wear that, but someone as fit as you? No, I’m certain you have better running gear in your wardrobe. Which begs the question, why didn’t you take the time to prepare for your cardiovascular exercise?”
Buck chews the inside of his cheek. She has him there. His hike in the hills hadn’t been planned. He had just driven until he ended up somewhere. He doesn’t want to admit he’s actually wearing clothes he’d planned to sleep in though so he deflects.
“What about you? You’re wearing a dress and heels! No one wears that hiking.”
“Actually, a woman named Erin Ton has hiked multiple 14,000 foot peaks in Colorado while wearing heels. Also, my car broke down. I didn’t intend to stop at the trailhead.”
“Still, it’s a little odd to be that far away from town dressed as nice as you are in a van full of wedding dresses and sewing stuff” Buck comments with a vague gesture to the objects now cluttering his backseat. “There’s gotta be a story there.”
“There is. I’m a seamstress. I run a small bridal shop in town and I started a charity to help organize weddings for couples facing financial hardships and lack of familial or community support. We mostly serve queer couples, so I’m here in LA because it’s easier to find donors in a more open minded city. But I have volunteers and clients all over the country.”
“That’s really cool.”
“It is. It’s been very rewarding work. However, I don’t think that’s the story you were looking for and I did make observations about you that made you uncomfortable, so in the spirit of fair play I’ll tell you an additional story. I couldn’t sleep last night so I drove out of the city until I found a spot where I could see the stars and be surrounded by nature. I guess I was trying to commune with God. I wanted to ask him if he really is out there somewhere and if he truly does hate me as much as my father says he does.”
Buck glances at her surprised by the sudden and depressing change in her tone. Part of him wants to question, to probe for more information, but he’s uncertain if that’s allowed. Sensing his unformed questions, Hannah speaks again.
“I’m Mormon, or at least I was. I don’t have a religious label now and most days I don’t really need one. I accept that things exist beyond my comprehension and generally I’m content to enjoy the search for knowledge without requiring an absolute and final truth. But every once in a while, on the days when things just hurt, I can’t stop myself from being weak and demanding that God or the universe give me answers.”
“Did he? It? Give you answers, I mean.” Buck asks hesitantly, feeling a little out of his depth with the religious subject matter.
“My van died and I got propositioned by a creepy mechanic.” Hannah giggles and the sound is so bright and sincere that it makes Buck laugh too.
“But you were also rescued by a nice firefighter so…”
“I guess that means the jury’s still out.”
They share a quick smile before Hannah prompts “So you’re a firefighter, huh?”
“Yeah, well I, uh, I was. I mean I still am. I think. I hope so.”
“Sounds like there’s a story there.”
“Yeah.” Buck sighs.
There definitely was a story there, one where his weakness had led him to something much worse than shout at the stars for clarity. Hannah seemed kind though and she had shared personal things with him first so, in the spirit of fair play…Buck shares the story.
He briefly describes what he had done, the opioids and his suspension. But why he had done it is harder to define. He tries anyway. He had been abducted, tortured and almost murdered, but even before that everything had been wrong. The life and the family he had built for himself was falling apart. Eddie and Chris had moved to Texas. Bobby. Bobby had died! And everyone else, all the people who mattered most to Buck, had somehow slipped away with him. They were still there, but it was all shadows and ghosts of what used to be. His parents were getting a divorce, but Buck couldn’t care less. They had never been a real family. They had never been his home. The only reason he spared a thought for them now was to question if the genes of losers and quitters was what was preventing him from saving his real family. The one Bobby said was gonna need him. The one he had failed.
By the time they arrive at Hannah’s dress shop, Buck has shared a very messy and disjointed summary of his life for the last couple of years. He falls silent as he parks along the street. He’s a little embarrassed for the way he monopolized the conversation and got way too personal way too fast, but she did ask and there is something surprisingly easy about confiding in a stranger you are probably never going to see again.
“If you don’t receive love from the ones who are meant to love you, you will never stop looking for it.” Hannah quotes gently “Robert Goolrick wrote that. It sounds like you overcame that problem by redefining which people were meant to love you. But when that love got a little rocky you chose to numb yourself so you wouldn’t feel the need to go looking again.”
“I shouldn’t need to go looking again!” Buck protests and clenches his jaw against the emotion quivering in his chin. “I don’t want…I won’t…I can’t…I can’t accept that it's gone.”
“Then don’t. Just because you’ve already found a diamond under one rock doesn’t mean you can’t find another in the same spot. Sometimes you just have to dig deeper.” Hannah smiles encouragingly “Why don’t you come in with me? I have a couple coming by soon that you should meet.”
~
Buck thought a bridal shop would be something elegant and pristine with crystal chandeliers, wood floors, and soft poofy armchairs in neutral colors. Hannah’s store is far from that. There are racks of dresses and a circular platform in front of a large mirror like one would expect, but the rest of the decor and furniture seems to be an eclectic mismatch of things found at garage sales and antique stores. The floor is a checkerboard of black and white tiles and the walls are a bright teal blue that reminds Buck of a fast food diner. An image that is only strengthened when he finds three cherry red dining booths along the back wall.
“This space is owned by the burger joint next door, but they started renting it out when they downsized their restaurant after COVID.” Hannah explains as she leads Buck through a pair of stainless steel swinging doors.
In the back room curtains hang from the ceiling to create two makeshift changing rooms. Hannah pulls back the front flap of one of them and Buck is shocked to see the space is crammed with a cot, a desk, an armoire, a minifridge, a toaster oven and several boxes.
“Thanks for your help carrying everything. You can just put the sewing machine on my desk.” Hannah instructs politely before moving away to hang up the dresses she’s carrying.
“Are you living here?” Buck asks incredulously when he joins her in the main room a moment later.
“I got kicked out of the house I was living in and I couldn’t afford to rent an apartment in addition to this place, so I made it work. It’s not that bad. I have perfected the art of washing my hair in the bathroom sink and Gordon Ramsay himself would be impressed by the culinary masterpieces I have managed to concoct with only a toaster oven and a hotplate.”
Buck opens his mouth to point out the many firecode violations involved in this situation when he hears the tinkle of a bell and the front door opens.
“Good morning ladies!” Hannah cheers as two women who appear to be in their early to mid 60s walk hand in hand into the shop. “This is my new friend Buck. Buck this is Gloria and Donna“ Hannah introduces, gesturing first to the curvier woman with wispy salt and pepper hair and a glowing smile, and then to the more angular and impressively toned woman sporting a spiky gray crew cut.
Gloria wraps Buck in a warm and tight embrace that feels like the hug a grandma would give. Not that Buck has grandparents to hug him, but hugs from Eddie’s abuela had felt this way. Buck feels a brief pang of grief at the memory but quickly pulls his attention back to Donna who gives him a curt nod and a firm handshake.
“Today’s the big day! How are we feeling?” Hannah asks the women warmly.
“Oh, wonderful!” Gloria gushes, wrapping herself around Donna’s arm and nuzzling her head against the other woman’s shoulder.
“I’d be feeling better if we weren’t here changing this one’s dress at the last minute.” Donna complains, but her eyes are filled with nothing but adoration as she looks down at her fiancee.
“Oh hush you!” Gloria chides and playfully smacks Donna in the ribs “Last time I did this my parents dictated everything. This time, everything about my wedding is going to be exactly the way my heart wants it to be, including the person at the end of the aisle” she finishes by placing a gentle kiss on Donna's cheek.
Hannah seats Buck and Donna at one of the restaurant booths with a platter of cheese, fruit and handmade croissants before leaving to help Gloria change into her dress. As she walks away she calls nonchalantly over her shoulder “Donna, Buck’s feeling lost and alone right now. I think the hope of a true and enduring love story would help cheer him up.”
Buck stares after her, his lips parted soundlessly.
Donna snorts and shakes her head fondly before saying “Don’t worry, her directness takes some getting used to, but she always means well.”
“Yeah, umm, I gathered that.” Buck fumbles through his words with red cheeks “Well, uh, since we're here. How did you two meet?”
“I was an army helicopter pilot during the Gulf War. I got injured and sent back to the States. Gloria was one of the nurses who took care of me at Walter Reed.”
“Oh, so you two have been together a long time then.”
“No. I was an angry bitch with a giant chip on my shoulder when I met her. I had grown up in the foster system, never really had anyone to support me. I had to fight tooth and nail for everything, but somehow I managed to get into West Point and joined the army as an officer. It wasn’t easy, back then, as a woman, I had to work twice as hard and be twice as good just to be seen as an equal.
By the time I met Gloria I was so used to proving myself to everyone that I’d practically chew her head off any time she tried to help me. You might not guess it looking at her, but that girl is a fighter. Oh she had the sassiest comebacks any time I gave her grief. All we really did was argue, but those fights were always the highlight of my day. I was still too scared of seeming weak to tell her what she meant to me before I got shipped back out. Somehow she tracked me down anyway and wrote to me through the remainder of the war.
After Desert Storm I got assigned to APG. It was just an hour from where Gloria was living so it seemed silly not to go see her. One visit to say thank you, turned into a second visit to catch up, then a third, and then any time I had off I was spending with her. We both knew we weren’t just friends, but we couldn’t do anything about it. With the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policy I could never be open and Gloria’s parents were a couple of wealthy jackasses who had her entire life planned out down to the perfect boy from the perfect family she was going to marry. I went to her wedding in 1995, but then I didn’t see her again for 30 years.
We had this spot though in a park by the hospital where she used to work. There was this hollowed out tree where I would leave little notes for her to find. One day a few months after she had gotten married I walked by the spot, you know, for old times sake, and I found a letter there…from her. I wrote one back and left it in the tree. We never stopped. For years we left letters, pictures and small gifts in that tree. Even after we both moved away, she’d leave something whenever she came out to visit her folks and I always took my leave in Maryland so I could go to that tree. It wasn’t much but somehow it meant everything to me, to both of us. Some small connection to the life we could have had, should have had.”
“But you’re together now. What changed?”
“Last year I heard the tree blew down in a windstorm so I traveled out to see it and, it turns out Gloria had the exact same idea, because she was there when I arrived. I thought it would be strange seeing her again, talking to her after so much time had passed, but it wasn’t. It was like an old injury finally healed. Like I had fought the last battle and won and now I could finally rest. It was like coming home.”
“That’s beautiful. I’m happy for you two.”
“Me too. I just wish it hadn’t cost her so much. Her husband died a couple of years ago and left her as his primary beneficiary, but when her son found out about us he was mad. He used the letters we wrote to each other as proof of an affair to invalidate her prenup and took everything. She probably could have fought him on it, but she didn’t want to. She never really cared about the money, she just wanted her son to support her, but…He’s not coming to the wedding. None of her family are. We’re all each other have now, but it’s enough. More than enough. I’m so-”
The end of Donna’s sentence is cut off by the sound of shattering glass and blast of hot air. The store is on fire! Buck rips himself off the bench and sprints with Donna to the front of the shop. A second flaming bottle is thrown through the front window by a figure in black. Buck grabs Hannah by the arms and pulls her away from the mirrored alcove she was standing in just as the bottle smashes against the floor and envelops the space in more fire. Donna tackles Gloria to the floor a few feet away smothering flames on the train of her fiancee’s dress with her own body.
The front window display and the dress podium are ablaze and the room is quickly filling with smoke.
“Call 911!” Buck yells to Hannah over the blare of the fire alarm, as he helps the two older women off the floor and to the back of the room. He directs everyone through the stainless steel doors and then rips down some of the dressing room curtains and stuffs them around the door to help keep smoke out.
“We need a way out!” Buck shouts while scanning the area for a secondary exit.
“There’s a window in the bathroom!” Hannah yells back and leads them down the hall.
Once all four of them are in the bathroom Buck closes the door and instructs Donna to use her jacket to seal any gaps. He moves to the window. It’ll be a tight squeeze, especially for him, but they should fit. However, when he releases the latch and slides the window open he’s confronted by the side of a delivery truck trailer parked a mere two inches from the outside wall. He pounds his fists against the smooth metal and calls out, ordering someone, anyone, to move it.
“The truck belongs to a furniture store on the other side of the alley. They don’t open for another two hours.” Hannah frets beside him.
Without warning she yanks the bathroom door open and runs out into the hallway. Buck curses under his breath and runs after her. Fortunately, the smoke level in the back room is relatively light and there’s at least some water trickling from the building’s sprinkling system, even if it’s not as much as it should be. He finds Hannah as she’s sliding out of her makeshift living area carrying a large duffle bag. She shoves the bag into Buck’s arms and shouts.
“See if you can use anything in there to get us out of this.”
When they get back to the bathroom Buck opens the bag to find an array of tools, nothing as helpful as good sawzall, but he’ll make it work. He pulls out a drill and starts punching holes into the side of the trailer which, thankfully, seems to be made out of a thin aluminum. Next he finds a pair of handheld cutting sheers in the tool bag and starts slicing the slivers of metal left between the holes he’s already drilled. When he has finally completed three continuous cuts to make a rectangular flap in the metal he punches it in and uses a pair or pliers to help fold the metal down and out of the way.
“Alright ladies this is our exit!”
Donna slides out the window first and jumps into the trailer with a thud. Buck picks up Gloria who seems to have hurt her ankle when she fell earlier, and maneuvers her and the poofy wedding dress she’s wearing through the hole until Donna is able to grab onto her waist and help her down the rest of the way. He lifts Hannah next. She’s bony and not much more than 5 feet tall, so he practically tosses her out the window to Donna who catches her with ease. He can hear the sound of sirens approaching as he wiggles himself into the window. His shoulders catch on the frame briefly but he pushes against the wall with his hands as the women yank on his legs from below and he manages to fall into the trailer with only a few scratches.
The howling of sirens gets really loud and then stops. Buck hears doors slam and voices shouting. He moves to the back of the trailer and starts knocking forcefully against the door.
“Hey! Hey, we’re in here!” he yells, hoping to alert the first responders to their location.
“Buck?!” Ravi’s confused voice sounds from nearby “Is that you?”
“Yeah, it’s me. Get us out of here!”
“On it!”
~
“I’m fine, Eddie.” Bucks grumbles, pulling his arm out of his friend’s grip.
“I’ll be the judge of that.” Eddie responds grasping Buck’s bicep again.
He moves and lifts Buck’s t-shirt so many times during his evaluation that Buck eventually rips his shirt off completely with a huff of frustration.
“There! Now you can see everything. Happy? Or did you want me to drop my pants too?” He demands.
“I’ll let you know.” Eddie states flatly as he presses antiseptic against a small cut on Buck’s shoulder. “What were you even doing here, Buck?”
It’s a valid question, one Buck would ask if their roles were reversed. It still feels like prying though, like Eddie needs a report of all Buck’s actions and whereabouts since they last saw each other. Why can’t you trust me? Buck wants to ask, but doesn’t. He knows he has no right to make that kind of plea. Would you trust you? Christopher’s words ring in his head, the only answer he needs.
“Well, you know me, always on the lookout for a good wedding dress.” Buck jokes, using humor to hide the ache in his chest.
“I’m sure they had loads of options in your size too.” Eddie plays along and the ache lessens to a mild sting.
“The owner had car trouble. I gave her a ride.”
“Always the hero.” Eddie mumbles and wipes at another scratch along Buck’s ribs. His touch is incredibly soft, too soft considering Buck’s not actually hurt. Another sign of the damage to their friendship.
“What’s the verdict, Diaz? Is he gonna live?” Chimney asks sarcastically as he approaches.
The fire is out now and Ravi and Harry are just finishing up some routine checks. Gloria, Donna and Hannah have already been evaluated. Gloria’s ankle is definitely sprained, possibly broken, and Donna has a few minor burns on her hands. Hannah seems relatively unscathed. All three women are currently talking to Athena and the other police on scene. Buck has already given his statement, not that he had much to talk about beyond a couple of Molotov cocktails and a masked figure in black.
“A few minor abrasions, but nothing serious. His O2 stats look good and there are no signs of damage or irritation to his airway. He should be fine. Doesn’t even need to go to the hospital.” Eddie reports and hands Buck back his shirt.
“You, I’m afraid, are getting a first class ride in our ambulance though. You’re gonna need to get some scans done on that ankle.” Hen says to Gloria, as she helps her onto a gurney.
“Oh, but what about our wedding?” Gloria pouts.
“It’s not until this evening. You still have plenty of time.” Hannah soothes, which brings a smile back to Gloria’s face.
“Some bastard just tried to blow us up! Your dress is ruined. And I broke your ankle! You don’t really want to have a wedding after all of that do you?” Donna inquires in shock.
“Of course, I do. There’s no indication that we were being targeted specifically. It could have been a general hate crime because we were in a queer bridal store or it could have just been some crazy person lashing out randomly. Either way, I know you’ve already faced much worse and survived. And I know there’s no place I’ll be safer than by your side. You didn’t break my ankle, you saved my life. And maybe my dress is ruined but I’d gladly wear a garbage bag down the aisle as long as it means I don’t have to go one more day without being able to call you mine.” Gloria promises emotionally with a firm squeeze to Donna’s hand.
“Okay.” Donna whispers like she’s afraid saying any more words will give the tears glistening in her eyes permission to fall.
“Well, if you don’t mind riding to the hospital in your slip, I think I can do better than a garbage bag.” Hannah offers. “How do you feel about a tea length dress?”
“She does have great legs.” Donna purrs.
Eddie and Hen hold Gloria steady while Donna helps her out of the dress. Hannah somehow convinces Chimney and the police to allow her to remove a few personal items from the scene as long as she is escorted and the items are thoroughly documented. The police finish up their preliminary investigation and Athena promises to be in touch as soon as she has any information. Buck sits on the curb and watches melancholically as the 118 packs up to leave.
“If you don’t already have plans, Buck, I could use some help” Hannah murmurs softly when she returns to collect Gloria’s dress.
He suspects she’s taking pity on him, but then again she did lose her car and her home today so the request might be genuine. Either way, he’s got nowhere else to be.
“Yeah, of course. I’ll just get your stuff loaded in my truck.”
Eddie knocks his shoulder against Buck’s as Buck passes by the ambulance. “Stay safe out there, partner.” He says with a nod before climbing into the cab and driving away.
~
Partner? Why did Eddie call him partner? They hadn’t been partners in over a year. Was this some kind of weird cowboy talk brought on by their trip to Nashville? Was Eddie remembering the way they used to work together? Always so in sync. Did he miss it? Did he want that back? Probably not. He seemed happy working with Hen. He had made the transition easily, like it wasn’t even a big deal. Wait! Did he think Buck missed it? Was he feeling sorry for him? Did he call Buck partner because he wants him to feel needed? Is Eddie worried he’s going to do something stupid if he doesn’t feel included? Is Buck really that pathetic? He might be. He is freaking out about the word partner after all. Ugh! He needs something else to think about.
“So why’d you get kicked out of your house?” Buck asks abruptly as he drives Hannah back to his place.
“Hmm?”
“Earlier, you said you were living in your shop because you got kicked out of your house. Why’d you get kicked out?”
“It wasn’t my house, it was my partner’s. His kids kicked me out when he had to move into an assisted living facility.”
“Oh. What happened?”
“He had Alzheimer’s. I tried to care for him myself, but his symptoms progressed pretty rapidly. We had only been together for about three years and since recent memories are the first thing to go, it didn’t take very long before he had no idea who I was. He started getting a little violent sometimes. Nothing bad. He was mostly just scared, but it got where I couldn’t calm him down anymore. I had become a stranger and he needed more than I could give on my own. I was hoping to just bring in some home health aids, but as soon as his kids found out they filed for power of attorney, put him in assisted living, seized his assets and kicked me out.”
“I’m so sorry. That’s terrible. It must have been pretty early onset Alzheimer's."
“Not really, he was 65, which is part of the reason why his kids kicked me out. They could never see our relationship as anything other than some deviant gold digging perversion. I was never interested in his money though. I just thought he was brilliant. He was a textile engineer. He spent his life researching new possibilities for sustainable fabrics. He showed me how to make so many incredible things, I could just sit and listen to his ideas for hours. All we ever did was talk. Neither of us were looking for a physical connection, we just wanted companionship. We were good for each other, but his children could never understand that. I guess I can’t blame them, it’s hard for most people to accept things that don’t fit the norm. It’s still sad though. If we always live within the mold of what has been done, we never get the chance to be more than we are today.”
“I get that. I had a relationship with someone who was a fair bit older than me once and it was probably one of the most fulfilling relationships I ever been in. It ended terribly, hurt like hell for a long time, but I grew so much because of it.” Buck pauses for a moment remembering Abby, Abby who now also makes him think of Tommy. “Actually, I guess I’ve had two relationships with bigger age gaps. Funny thing is, they were once engaged to each other.”
They converse comfortably for the rest of the drive. Swapping dating horror stories and sharing lessons they learned along the way. By the time they reach Buck’s house he’s forgotten he was ever upset about Eddie and his silly words.
~
When they get to his house Buck shows Hannah where she can wash up and change. After they’re both clean they get to work on Gloria’s dress. Hannah shows him the best ways to remove different types of stains and Buck shares trade secrets for effectively eliminating the smell of smoke. Anything they can’t salvage they cut off, which means the whole bottom of the dress has to go. Hannah finishes the necessary trimming and hemming, adds a few embellishments to cover any damaged spots and they end up with quite a pretty party dress.
With the dress completed they stop at the florist to pick up the flower arrangements and then head to the church Donna and Gloria have reserved. The volunteers Hannah had scheduled don’t show up so she and Buck are left to set everything up for the ceremony and the reception on their own. They’re only halfway done when they have to leave to pick up the wedding cake.
They come up with a game plan for how they are going to complete the remaining tasks on the way to the bakery, but the plan goes out the window as soon as they arrive because the bakery is on fire. A slender middle-aged man is yelling out a side door for help and Buck rushes to check on him while Hannah dials 911 for the second time today.
“Please! Please help! Someone threw some sort of bomb through our front door and it started a fire. My husband is trying to put it out, but he has no idea what he’s doing.” the man begs.
Buck pushes past him into a large kitchen and runs to the front lobby where the fire is. Thankfully the fire appears to be a relatively small one, but the man holding the fire extinguisher is aiming at the flames rather than the base of the fire, making his efforts ineffective.
“Sir, I’m a firefighter! Let me take over!” Buck shouts as he grabs the extinguisher.
Buck knocks out a large section of the fire but a few flames are still spreading when the extinguisher runs out. If only that guy hadn’t wasted so much of it! But Buck has an idea. He runs back into the kitchen and starts searching the shelves until he finds baking soda and salt. Grabbing everything he can carry he runs back to the lobby and starts coating the areas where the floor is still smoldering.
By the time the 118 arrives there’s nothing for them to do, but run a few checks and take some notes.
“What took you guys so long? I had to take care of all your work for you.” Buck gloats as Chim exits the engine.
“Buck, you better not have downloaded one of those emergency services apps. You are on suspension and yet you’ve been at two fires today! How am I gonna explain this to the chief?” Chim frets.
“I didn’t come for the fire. I came for a cake.” Buck argues. “What did you want me to do? Let it burn down?”
“Oh you can have a cake. Free cake for life in fact.” one of the bakery owners promises as he squeezes Buck’s shoulder and turns to Chimney “This man is a hero. That’s what you should tell your chief.”
“Well, at least you have the public on your side.” Chimney mutters before walking away to evaluate the scene.
“I thought I told you to stay safe.” Eddie huffs as he strides up to take Chim’s place.
“I am safe. There’s not a scratch on me. Not any new ones anyway. Do you want to check?
Prove to yourself that I’m not lying?”
Eddie’s brow furrows and Buck sees a brief flash of hurt in his eyes. “No, I believe you.” He murmurs and then walks away to check on the bakery owners.
Buck feels bad. He should go after him. Say something. Explain to Eddie that he didn’t really mean it…that he just wants to feel normal again.
He doesn’t get the chance because Athena shows up with a handful of officers and Buck gets stuck making his second police statement of the day. Based on the witness statements and evidence on scene, the fire was started by a Molotov cocktail just like the one this morning although not as potent. The police are running on the assumption that both fires were started by the same person. Since it’s a gay bakery that has been targeted now, the hate crime angle is looking more likely. Athena seems suspicious that there’s more to it though.
“Something about these bombings feels personal. That girl you’ve been hanging out with. Someone burned down her shop and then attacked the bakery where she was supposed to be picking up a cake. It’s possible someone is trying to stop the work she does. The department says there’s not enough evidence to require a police escort so you need to be careful. Keep your eyes open at that wedding, Buckaroo. I’ll try to stay in the area.”
By the time they are finished with the police it’s late and Hannah is panicking.
“The wedding is supposed to start in less than an hour and traffic is terrible this time of day. There’s no way we’re going to make it back in time to finish setting everything up. Donna and Gloria have been waiting for this day for 35 years and I’ve ruined it for them. What if this is all my fault? What if my charity is what inspired these attacks? I was supposed to be helping people, not inspiring hatred.”
“Hey, even if someone is trying to stop what you do, that’s on them, not you. None of this is your fault. You have helped people and you are going to continue helping people including Gloria and Donna. The wedding is not ruined. Not yet. We just need a faster ride.”
~
“If I get fired for this Buck, your sister and I will be moving into your house with your niece and nephew and you will have to find a way to support all four of us for the rest of our lives.” Chim yells over the blare of the sirens.
“A friend of mine works for the LA Times and happens to owe me a favor. I can guarantee you an article about how the LAFD saved the wedding of a decorated army colonel who was finally able to marry the love of her after three decades of waiting. There’s no way you would get fired with that kind of publicity” Hannah offers, peeking over the wedding cake perched on her lap as she sits next to Buck in the fire engine.
“Your new lady-friend is kind of manipulative, Buck.” Chim chuckles dryly and then adds “I like her.”
By the time they arrive at the church, Chim has given up on pretending to be upset. He even goes so far as to let the 118 help with setup as long as another call doesn’t come in. Hannah showers him with thanks and hands out assignments before hurrying off to help Gloria and Donna with their hair and makeup. Chim waits outside to keep an eye on the fire engine and direct the caterer and waitstaff as they arrive. Hen, Ravi and Harry go to the church’s social hall to finish setting up chairs and arranging place settings for the reception. Buck puts the cake on display and then goes to help Eddie with the flowers. After putting arrangements on each of the reception tables, they move into the chapel and start placing garlands along the aisle.
“You seem tense.” Eddie comments, noting the way Buck’s eyes keep darting around the room.
“Yeah” Buck breathes out, trying to calm his nerves “Athena’s worried there might be another bomb, she told me to keep a lookout for trouble.”
Eddie nods and glances around the chapel “How did helping someone with car trouble turn into you becoming an assistant wedding planner and unofficial bodyguard?” Eddie asks when he finishes his scan of the room.
“Um, I’m not really sure. Hannah needed help so I…”
“Decided to spend your entire day with her?”
Buck’s not sure if it’s the sudden sound of music from the organ or the accusation in Eddie’s words that makes him jump. It’s probably the music though. If the organist is warming up that means they’re almost out of time. This is confirmed when the pastor greets them briefly before heading to take his place at the front of the chapel. Buck quickly arranges the last of the flowers and moves to the back of the chapel checking his watch, ten minutes until the guests are supposed to arrive.
“It’s okay to be interested in her. Just be careful, Buck. You’ve been through a lot recently. I don’t know if this is the best time to jump into a new relationship.”
Buck turns to look at Eddie, unsure how to respond to that advice. He could tell Eddie he’s not interested or he could tell Eddie that it’s none of his business. He hasn’t decided which approach to go with when the stained glass window behind the pastor shatters. A large rock crashes into the altar amidst shards of raining glass. Buck yells a warning as the pastor and organist scrabble away. A bottle of golden brown liquid with a flaming cloth wick comes sailing through the jagged hole in the window. The bottle breaks against the side of the organ and the stage erupts into flames.
Buck and Eddie spring wordlessly into action at the same time. They evacuate the pastor and organist. Then Buck runs to the spot just outside the chapel door where he already knows he will find a fire extinguisher. He had made note of it earlier, subconsciously preparing for this possible turn of events. Eddie turns the opposite direction, running through the church’s front door and outside leaving a startled Chimney calling after him in the doorway.
Back in the chapel, Buck attacks the fire with his extinguisher. Ravi and Harry join him quickly, spraying the area with CO2. To Buck’s surprise, Eddie doesn’t return. In the entryway the pastor collapses. Hen starts an examination and shouts information to someone Buck can’t see. He can’t hear all her words but it sounds like a heart attack. It’s Chimney that ends up handing her the Lifepak and assisting with treatment. With concern, Buck wonders again where Eddie is.
Chim sends Harry to grab the gurney while Buck and Ravi put out the last of the flames. When the fire is out and the pastor is stabilized Chim orders Hen and Ravi to transport him to the hospital. Before Buck can ask the question burning in his throat, Chimney yells into his radio.
“Eddie! Eddie, report! Where are you?!”
Eddie’s response is a jumble of static and heavy breathing, the only word Buck can make out is pursuit.
Wedding guests have started to arrive and are standing in a confused gawking mass on the front lawn. Gloria and Donna cling to each other with matching expressions of shock as they peer into the ruined chapel. Hannah hovers behind them, head bowed and fists clenched. Buck ignores them all, eyes fixed on the radio in Chimney’s hand willing it to make another sound. Sirens sound in the distance. Probably the police. Buck moves to the door. Maybe he should go out searching, it’d be better than standing still.
“I’ve got him.” Eddie’s voice crackles over the radio. “Headed back to you now.”
Buck stands in the doorway as a sentinel until Eddie’s broad form appears in the darkness, dragging a cowering figure along behind him. Buck runs to greet him. When he gets closer he can see that Eddie’s uniform is rumpled and his knuckles are scraped, but otherwise he looks alright. The same can’t be said of the man with him. His black hoodie and sweatpants are torn and covered in grime. His blonde hair is plastered to his head with sweat and there’s a freshly forming bruise along his jaw. His hands are also tied behind his back with what appears to be his own belt.
“Edmundo Diaz! What the hell were you thinking?! You are a firefighter/paramedic not a police officer! Your job is to save lives, not recklessly risk your own by chasing down the bad guys unprepared and alone!” Chim yells as he joins them on the grass.
“This guy’s been setting fires all over town, someone had to stop him.” Eddie argues, voice firm and unrepentant.
“Yes, but it didn’t have to be you. A man had a heart attack in there, while you were out playing vigilante. He could have died because you abandoned your post.”
Eddie’s jaw tightens, his nostrils flare and the veins in his neck bulge but he stays silent. Buck knows Chim hit a nerve. Bobby. Shannon. Christopher. There’s a lot of people Eddie thinks he failed by walking away. Buck’s well aware of how deep his friend’s guilt runs. He lifts his hand wanting to touch Eddie, squeeze his shoulder, offer some reassurance that he’s a good person who’s good at his job, but he knows the attention would be unwelcome. He lets his hand drop back to his side.
Buck’s not sure when Athena arrived but he watches as she places a steady hand on Chim’s rigid shoulder. The fire captain stares daggers at Eddie for a moment longer, before turning to the police sergeant with a huff and beginning his report. Buck hears a strangled sob come from somewhere behind him.
“Julian? Julian what did you…oh my god!” Gloria cries, sinking to her knees.
“Ma’am, do you know this man?” Athena asks, pointing to Eddie’s captive.
Gloria’s mouth moves, but only whimpers and groans escape.
“That’s her son, Julian Morgan.” Donna answers coldly before advancing on the young blonde man. “You bastard! How could you do this to your own mother?!”
“How could I do this to her? How could she do this to me?! Everything my father built, the sanctity of our family name, she was going to destroy all of it! Cavorting around with a lesbian whore, disgracing my father’s memory! I couldn’t let her actually marry you. Imagine how people would talk! My reputation would be ruined!” Julian howls.
“Oh your reputation is ruined alright, but you’ve got no one to blame but yourself.” Athena huffs as she removes the belt around Julian’s wrists and cuffs him properly.
~
Julian has been taken into police custody and escorted away. Chimney completed his post-fire evaluation of the building and gave his okay for police to enter to collect evidence. Buck sits with Hannah, Gloria and Donna on the church steps watching Eddie and Harry talk with Officer Williams nearby.
“I can escort you inside to gather any personal belongings, but you won’t be able to host a wedding in this church tonight.” Athena informs the couple gently as she exits the building with Chimney.
“Oh that’s alright, Sergeant. Donna and I have had a lot of practice at living with disappointment. I just feel bad for causing all this trouble. It’s my fault you know. I didn’t realize it until now, but I gave Julian all the information, Hannah’s store, the bakery, this church. I kept emailing him details about the wedding. I was just hoping that he’d come around, that he’d want to be included. All I wanted was for him to walk me down the aisle and say he supported me. My entire life I’ve done what everyone else told me to, I gave up everything to make my family happy, and just this once I wanted to have something for me. I wanted to be happy too. But it was just a stupid fantasy. I wasted the chance we had when we were younger because I wasn’t brave enough to fight for it and now it’s too late. People my age don’t find happily ever after.” Gloria declares bitterly.
“You don’t find it, you make it.” Buck whispers under his breath, as a sad but beautiful memory tugs at the back of his mind.
“What?” Hannah asks.
“You don’t find it. You make it.” Buck proclaims firmly. “Maybe you didn’t fight for it when you were younger, but it’s not too late. You still love each other. You still want to be together, so fight for it. Fight for it now. Choose to make today the beginning of your happily ever after. We’ll help you.” He concludes his impassioned plea and looks around the group for guidance “What do we need to make a wedding?”
“Legally you just need an officiant and witnesses. Everything else is pretty flexible. I would know, I got married in a hospital bed.” Chimney offers.
“Sergeant Grant said you couldn’t have your wedding inside the church, she didn’t say anything about outside the church.” Hannah notes.
“Yeah, there’s a nice garden in the back with flowers and everything. I ran through it when I was…uh…earlier.” Eddie fumbles briefly before collecting his thoughts and continuing “I know how hard it can be when your family doesn’t support you, but your blood relatives aren’t the only people who can love and accept you. Look at those people.” Eddie points to the diverse crowd of guests standing in the grass. The group is smaller than before but still a decent size. “They’ve been waiting over an hour because they want to share this with you. The pain and the joy.”
As Eddie says these words many of the guests start to clap and cheer. A handful of them salute.
“The family you choose.” Chim whispers, glancing at Eddie with fondness.
“Yeah, the family you choose.” Eddie echoes with a soft smile at Chim and some of the tension that had come between the two men earlier eases. Turning back to Gloria, Eddie speaks again “Ma’am, I’m not your son but I would consider it a great honor to walk you down the aisle.”
Then he hits her with a look so tender and charming from his soulful brown eyes that Buck’s pretty sure the polar ice caps just melted. Gloria certainly melts, blushing and gushing thanks as she kisses Eddie’s cheek.
“Great! Now we need an officiant.” Eddie beams and turns expectantly to Chim.
“Don’t look at me! The captain’s position doesn’t come with special marrying powers, Bobby was actually an ordained minister.”
“I can do it.” Buck announces and then all eyes are on him.
“You’re an ordained minister?” Harry questions with a look of disbelief that is mirrored by the rest of Buck’s friends.
“I’ve had a lot of time on my hands recently.” Buck shrugs. “I was curious if it really is as easy as some people say and yeah, it is. A quick google search followed by a short online training and poof you're authorized to marry people.”
“Well alright then.” Donna stands tall and commanding. “Let's put up one hell of a fight.”
~
Buck leans against a fountain in the church gardens. Donna stands at attention in a crisp army dress uniform to his left. Chimney has turned on the floodlights from the fire engine, giving the guests enough light to see as Hannah arranges them in two lines along the garden walkways creating a makeshift aisle. After everyone is in position, Hannah takes her place next to Donna and starts to sing.
“You fill up my senses
Like a night in a forest”
Hannah’s voice washes over Buck like a gentle wave. Soft and caressing, yet chilling at the same time.
“Like the mountains in springtime
Like a walk in the rain”
The peaceful romantic imagery of the lyrics feels like a taunt. A wedding should be happy, so why does he feel empty?
“Like a storm in the desert”
Probably because he’s never had that, a love that quenched his thirst and made him feel filled.
“Like a sleepy blue ocean”
Buck glances down the aisle to track the bride’s progress, but his attention is captured when a pair of big brown doe eyes lock onto his blue ones. Eddie.
“You fill up my senses”
Oh. Oh! He was wrong. His heart has been full before. Full and warm and satisfied. At the station joking with his friends. On a dangerous call knowing someone had his back. Relaxed on Eddie’s couch.
“Come fill me again”
Yes. Please. Buck can feel the desperation spilling from his eyes for Eddie to drink up. Come back to me. Let me in. Trust me again.
“Come let me love you”
He should look away. This isn’t a song about best friends. But…
“Let me give my life to you”
He wants that. He misses that. He was happiest when he was part of Eddie and Chris’s lives, part of their home.
“Let me drown in your laughter”
Why don’t you laugh more? Buck asks wordlessly of Eddie’s deep expressive eyes. With fondness he pictures their road trip and Eddie’s head thrown back in a full belly laugh. You have a great laugh.
“Let me die in your arms”
Buck rips his gaze away. He had almost died on that trip, but instead of letting Eddie come for him, he tried to send him away. He had to. Eddie has Chris. Eddie is needed. And Buck…
“Let me lay down beside you”
Buck shakes himself trying to clear his thoughts. How did he even get here? Tommy. It's Tommy's fault. And Maddie's. With their silly ‘Now that the competition is out of the way’ and ‘It wouldn't be so crazy’. They messed with his head, but he was right, it's not like that.
“Let me always be with you”
No. No, Buck can’t ask that. It’s too much. If you’re gonna make this about me having to choose between you or my son, you’re gonna lose every time. Eddie’s words echo in his mind. Buck knows his place.
“Come let me love you”
He can have love. Best friend love. Second place love. Leftover love. He just needs to accept the limitations.
“Come love me again”
Buck is still staring at his shoes when the pointed toe of Hannah’s stiletto kicks him in the shins. His head jerks up and his cheeks turn as red as the roses Gloria is handing off to Eddie as she takes Donna’s hands. The two women share a tearful smile and then turn, expectantly, towards him. Oh! Yeah, right, he’s supposed to…What is he supposed to say? He practiced this, hadn’t he? Where did all his words go? Probably into the void of Eddie’s eyes along with a whole lot of other stuff he can’t afford to unpack right now.
Eddie shuffles beside Gloria like he can sense that Buck is thinking about him. The idea sends a spike of panic through Buck’s chest, but he can’t stop himself from stealing a glance at his friend anyway. Eddie has moved closer and his arm is lifted away from his body like he had considered reaching out to touch Buck only to abort the movement halfway in. Letting his arm drop, Eddie gives Buck a firm nod instead and a silent steady look that seems to say You’ve got this. I believe in you. Returning the nod, Buck squares his shoulders, takes a deep breath, and opens his mouth.
~
Buck’s performance is bland, but acceptable. Overall he’d give himself a solid B-, which isn’t bad considering this was his first wedding and he had a minor existential crisis only moments before. Chimney had even clapped him on the back and said “You did good, kid” before the 118 had headed out to return the rig and their equipment for the end of their shift. They’d offered him a ride back to his truck, but Buck had declined. He said he wanted to help with the reception, but he also knew it would hurt to get kicked out halfway to the station…another reminder he was no longer part of the team. He also wasn’t sure he could face Eddie for that long after…that thing…whatever it was that happened between them. He’s still not sure what to call it or even what to think about it. He’ll have to deal with it at some point, preferably before he sees Eddie again. But for now, considering the day he’s had, he’s entitled to distract himself instead.
Donna, Gloria, and their guests have moved to the parking lot where the street lamps give off enough light for them to celebrate. Athena had given permission for the cake and other food to be brought out on the grounds that leaving it out to rot overnight would contaminate the crime scene. Some of Donna’s army buddies had grabbed paper products from a nearby convenience store and were now serving the food out of the bed of their pick up truck. Another friend had found a portable speaker in their car and guests were taking turns connecting their phones to it and dedicating songs to the happy couple. Despite its unconventional nature, it’s a great party and everyone seems happy, especially the newlyweds who are dancing like no one else in the world exists.
Buck finds Hannah sitting alone on an upside down bucket, scribbling something in a small leather-bound notebook. He grabs a camping chair someone has set out nearby and sits beside her.
“What are you working on?” He inquires.
“A story.” She responds sly, her green eyes flashing underneath her waggling eyebrows.
“You're an author too?”
“No, I just like to record my observations of the human psyche. You’d be surprised what one can learn by analyzing people’s behavior at weddings.”
“Okay. So what insights have you gained tonight?”
“Right now I’m contemplating the relationship between love and hatred. Many people define them as opposites but they’re not. In fact, they’re often linked. I’m not sure we can experience hatred without love being involved somehow. When you hate someone it’s usually because you once loved them and they hurt you or because they have hurt or threaten to hurt someone or something you love.”
“Like Julian turning on his mother to protect himself?”
“Exactly.”
“Do you really think he hates her?”
“No, but I think he thinks he does. I imagine it will be very painful for him when he finally realizes what he lost.”
“Except he didn’t lose it. His mom still loves him. He chose to throw that away.”
“A grave error on his part, one he is going to pay dearly for.”
“Well, he should.”
They fall into a comfortable silence and Hannah returns to her writing. Buck’s gaze wanders aimlessly until it falls on the broken window of the church and the charred chapel inside. Why did Julian do it? Why would he throw away a good relationship with his mother over something so petty? Was Buck doing the same thing? His friends had become distant and different after Bobby’s death, but they were all grieving, he couldn’t really hold that against them. And they still tried to be there for him, Eddie especially. He had tried so hard to support Buck after New Mexico and Buck had been the one to push him away. Why? Because he needed to prove that he could do it on his own…needed to prove that he didn’t need Eddie. Was Buck trying to punish Eddie for moving to Texas? For not needing him?
“So what about you, Buck? What insights have you gained tonight? Did you find the answers you were looking for?” Hannah questions, cutting into his thoughts.
“You remember what you said earlier about me being able to find love in the same place as before if I just dig deeper. I think you might be right. I think the love is still there. I mean it should’ve been obvious with the way they all came to help me through my withdrawal. They’re still my family. I just haven’t been seeing it because I buried it under too much expectation.”
“What do you mean?”
“I think I put too much pressure on our friendship. I asked too much of them. I am their family, but they also have families outside of me. Spouses and children. Since I don’t have that, maybe I hold onto them too tight. Maybe I demand more attention than they can give me.”
“Hmm. What are you going to do with this realization?”
“I don’t know. I think I need to make some more friends. Not replacement friends, just additional friends. They have people outside of me, maybe I need people too.”
“Well, we’re at a party, there are a lot of potential friends here.”
Buck nods and scans the crowd.
“What are you doing tonight?” He asks, turning back to Hannah.
“Is this you trying to ask me to be your friend?”
“No. I mean yes, but no, I wasn’t…uh…that’s not what I was asking.”
“What were you asking?”
“Your car broke down and your house burned down today. Do you have somewhere to stay? Because if you don’t…I have a spare room."