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The thing is - John is a man of his word.
Actually he is quite paranoid about it, which is why he doesn’t make very many promises. He doesn’t usually make promises that isn’t “I’ll be there at 8” or “I promise I won’t fall asleep while watching the movie.”
He is afraid of breaking his promise, disappointing people, all of which makes it all the more valuable. And he can’t think of a more precious gift to give his two best friends on their wedding day.
John and Eliza have been besties before Eliza started dating Alex. But Alex and John have been friends before either of them even met Eliza. Not just friends, we-stay-together-so-much-people-think-we-are-dating friends.
If you asked Alex, he might say they were best friends “but are we in middle school? Come on!” If you asked anyone else, they would laugh in your face, cause “Is that even a question?”
Gilbert, Hercules, John and Alexander – they are like a clique; best buddies, brothers – some might say. But if you asked John, he would chuckle, a little embarrassed, and then repeat what Alex would say. But if it were only in Gilbert's company, he would not chuckle. He would weep.
“I love him. I love Alex.” he would say and sob in Gilbert's arms.
................................
“I like what I like.” Alex says. But nobody has ever seen him dating a guy. Dating is too serious a word. It doesn’t last long. It’s usually the girls who break it off; that doesn’t really sadden Alex. Of course there has been a girl or two who lasted more than five months; Kitty Livingston was one of them. But never a guy. They have never even seen him with a guy while there have been plenty of hookups with girls.
These analyses are all in John's head. His self-conscious and paranoid mind comes to the conclusion that Alex, for some reason, doesn't really like guys or hasn't found any guy who is worth his attention. Not even John. Therefore he never confesses his love in fear of losing him as a friend.
Enter Eliza - who they meet at a party - two years younger than Alex and three years than John, Eliza quickly becomes their friend along with her sister, Angelica. Eliza, being informed that John is an amazing artist, asks to be tutored by him. To which John, ever the polite, agrees. Eliza tells John soon after that she has a crush on his friend Alex. “Who wouldn’t?” he says to that, chuckling. His pillow is damp when he goes to sleep that night.
They are joined at the hip, they become best friends, and John lets Alex drift away. They bond over their mutual affection for Alex; John's, of course, goes unmentioned. Eliza asks John to invite her whenever they all get together, for anything, and John obliges. And slowly but surely John sees Eliza and Alex fall in love.
John gives Alex up.
.................................
Three years later, still nursing that dull pain in his chest, he is asked to be best man. His pillow is damp that night like many other nights. Gilbert pats his head saying, "It's okay." when it really isn’t.
They both want him at their bachelor/bachelorette party, so he organizes both and splits his time.
He doesn't drink; he has to be the sensible one. But it's all too much and his hands won’t stop trembling. He has a breakdown in the washroom.
Alex kisses him that night.
Alex tumbles into the washroom when John is sobbing with his face buried in his hands. But he is drunk out of his mind and he walks to him laughing and blabbering something that doesn't quite make sense. He cups John’s face with both of his hands, wipes his tears with his thumbs, and giggles for a whole 30 seconds before standing on his toes to kiss him. John stands still. Alex licks a little, then he is leaning away. He is laughing again.
Alex doesn't remember anything the next day. He just can't take his eyes off his bride.
Eliza looks beautiful, divine; her dark hair a sweet contrast to her white dress. The dress delicately hugs her slender figure down to her waist then flows down beautifully. Her eyes are so bright. So are Alex's.
Eliza usually smiles a lot. But today she smiles the most. She is not nervous. She is sure.
Alex’s smile is somewhat dreamy.
John fakes his toothy grin for the photos.
John's best man speech is something. Cupid of Alex and Eliza. How suiting.
"Today we saw two of my closest friends, two of the most important people in my life make vows. I have never made a vow in my life and after tonight I never will again.” He concludes his speech. “So here in front of you all… my first and last vow. Elizabeth Schuyler and Alexander Hamilton, whatever it takes, whatever happens, from now on, I will always be there for the two of you. Always.”
He gulps the lump in his throat while everyone else sniffles.
If you take Alex away from his life, what else does he have? Nothing much. To spend his life trying to do whatever it takes to make him happy – to make them happy – to make them safe, doesn’t seem like a bad thing to do.
But it’s not like there is someone out there who is trying to kill them or something. He is not really needed.
The gift feels… empty.
He leaves early.
......................................
But of course, John fails to keep his promise.
He takes Eliza out for dinner – “bestie date!” Eliza calls it. She is thirty-one weeks pregnant. Eliza needs to get out of the apartment and Alex was busy at the firm. John offers to take her out. And of course, their car gets hit by a truck. John is a really lucky person, he knows. And of course the truck hits from the right side. Her lifeless body lies across John’s as his vision goes black.
She is rushed into a hospital.
Alex is called.
John has many fractured and broken bones, and bruises. He lives.
It’s a boy, and he is tiny. He is kept in NICU.
He is small, unusually so; smaller than any other baby John has ever seen, and John sobs.
His whole body is in pain, but the ache in his chest hurts the most. The guilt eats him up and he doesn't go to sleep until he is sedated.
John wants to pat her dark, dark hair one last time as she rests in the open coffin. But as he goes to touch her, Alex grabs his hand and yanks it away. "Don't you dare." Alex growls.
John is puzzled. "Alex...?"
"You promised." He growls before screaming, "You made a vow. You PROMISED! You promised to keep us safe! You promised to keep her– SAFE!"
John freezes, a single tear rolling down his face. He is scared and takes a step back.
What do you do when the person you love hates you?
He disappears. Flees. Finds work. And cuts all contact. Nobody knows where he is, not even his family.
A year later, he replies to one of Gilbert's million e-mails, but doesn't exactly say where he is. He asks about Alex and his baby. The baby is named Philip - Gilbert tells him - Alex goes to therapy.
John goes to therapy too. But he doesn't tell him that.
He drinks a little more now. It helps – he finds. And smoke.
But he is more sensible now. More robotic.
Gilbert attaches a few pictures of the baby. He is cute, with Alexander's features and Eliza's eyes, but his hair is curly like John's.
He wonders if that reminds Alex of him.
Of course, it doesn't. He would hate his son if he reminded him of John.
John meets a man. Francis. He is lovely. Nothing like Alex. Not a loudmouth or arrogant or… basically, an asshole. John doesn't tell him about Alex. Francis doesn't ask about his past. He doesn't have a past anyway. He has Alex.
Francis is lovely. But he is nothing like Alex.
Francis kisses him and John lets him. He lays him down on bed and he lets him. He doesn't hate it, he likes Francis. He is lovely.
Francis stops him from drinking too much now, but his hands won't stop trembling. Therapy doesn't help anymore so he stops going back. “It's okay.” Francis says - when it's really not - without even knowing why he is soothing his boyfriend. But John doesn't cry. Why does he try to soothe?
John tells him it will not last. He is too broken. John doesn't say why. Francis doesn’t ask. He kisses his temple and stays.
But soon after Francis is tired.
"I'm tired." he says.
John smiles mildly and kisses his forehead.
Francis is lovely as always.
John calls his father, gets scolded; he doesn’t mind.
James, his eleven-years-younger brother, has been diagnosed with skin cancer. He begs him to come home.
"You don't have to beg, Jemmy."
The motherless boy goes to John when he is in need of motherly affection and protection. All his siblings do, except Henry Jr. Henry has shut himself off after their mother’s death. John feels bad for leaving.
He is told James is safe when he arrives in South Carolina. John smiles with relief.
"I was in England." he tells James.
"Why did you leave, Jack?"
John smiles. "You're gonna be okay, right? Absolutely okay?"
"Yeah. Absolutely okay." James smiles back. John ruffles his hair affectionately. "You remember a lot about her, don’t you? Ma?"
John nods.
"Tell again... how was she?"
And John tells him again.
James wants to go to New York once he is well again. He loves New York and has been there only a couple of times.
Gilbert wants to meet John.
The dull pain is numb now.
It's on the second week in New York when he sees him. Just outside the café. John stops breathing.
"So how are you?" Alex says after a long pause.
He is broken. John can tell. His eyes don't shine anymore with life, energy like they used to. There is something dark in them now. His hair is short. Eliza loved his hair. So did John.
"Fine. Good... Fine. You?"
"Great."
They both take a sip of their coffee. James stares at both of them in confusion.
"I should really... go. Office..." says Alex, standing up.
John stands up as well. "Yes, of course." Pause. "It was... nice to see you again."
Alex stares. Nods. Leaves.
................................
Gilbert takes them out for drinks. "The squad reunion!" he says. They don't say no. Hercules is there too.
Alex is quiet.
So is John.
Gilbert is trying.
John wants to burst.
Gilbert believes all this has changed John. That he is not the angry young man anymore who takes all his pent-up frustration out on strangers in bars. That he is cool-headed and sensible now.
John goes to get drinks and someone accidentally knocks them over. He doesn't even see who it is.
Soon he has a cut lip. The other guy looks much worse.
Someone pulls him off the guy. Someone with soft but strong hands and slender but solid body.
The thing is John always fights back.
John fights to break free. But the hands are strong. They throw him back. He is punched. He loses count of how many times. Red liquid trickling down from his nose. "You think it's fun?! It's all fucking fun for you?!" the words are shouted in his face.
John doesn't fight back. With another punch he hits the floor hard and is kicked in the stomach until Gilbert shields him. John curled himself up on the floor. He has a terrible pain in his chest and stomach.
Alex's hands are trembling.
"Alex! What is wrong with you?!" Hercules says incredulously.
"No... no, let him," John looks up at Alex, panting, "he's entitled to... I killed his wife."
His vision is blurry but he can see Alex's tears. "Yes, you did." Alex growls through gritted teeth as his voice breaks. "You killed her. You broke your promise. You got out of the car without a scratch while my pregnant wife lay dead. You killed her and then you fucking took off!"
He didn't get out of the car without a scratch - Gilbert wants to say, but he knows what Alex means.
John is taken to a hospital.
Cracked ribs, broken nose, bruised cheekbone, cut eyebrow that needs stitches, bleeding in the eye.
James stays with Gilbert.
Alex sits before him two weeks later, doesn't say sorry. It's fine.
"So Jemmy's okay?"
"Yes. Yeah."
Alex nods.
John looks away. He feels sore.
"I should... aa... go."
"Yes, of course."
"Philip umm... you know."
"Of course, yeah, Philip."
Alex stands up. Goes to the door.
"By the way, how is he? Philip?"
Alex stops. "Fine. He is fine." Alex chuckles. "Talks a lot. Fully bilingual already."
"Oh." John chuckles mildly.
Alex doesn’t get out of the door.
"Sorry... for forgetting about Philip."
"No... no, it's... okay."
John nods. Looks away. "Are you okay?"
"No, I'm not okay. I'm never gonna be okay. But it is what it is. And what it is, is... shit." Alex says robotically. Pause. "John..." his tone changes. John is forced to look up. "John, you didn't kill her. You didn't kill… Eliza. It was an accident and you couldn't have seen it coming. It wasn't your fault. You couldn't have stopped it. You are not superman." His eyes are watering. "I... I'm sorry. I'm so sorry..." His voice breaks.
Wincing, John stands up, walks to Alex. Holds the back of his neck, pats his arm for a second, pulls him to his chest. "I'm sorry."
"I miss her. I miss her so much. It still hurts. Every day. Philip–" He hiccups. "Oh God Philip... And you left me. Alone. You were my best friend, J., and you left me. You left me when I needed you the most." He sobs into John's chest
John rests his cheek on Alex's head. His hair is soft and it smells the same. "I won’t leave ever again." He is afraid. “I promise.”