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"Mr. Grace, wait, do you have a moment?" I hear feet running behind me and turn around.
"No running, Jeff," I say and he immediately stops and looks a little guilty while he comes closer. "What is it? Do you need help with something?" I ask. I'm used to students coming to me, when they have problems in school or at home, so I already think about where we could go if he has something private to discuss.
"Me and Nat are planning to start an LGBT+ club," he explains and looks excited. I'm relieved that he doesn't seem to have any problems.
"That's great, very important topic," I say and smile at him.
"We will probably be meeting on Tuesdays but that's not final. And we were hoping, you could be our advisor." I look at him, I feel my mouth opening a bit. Do they think I'm gay? Yeah, they most likely do. Which I'm not. At least I'm pretty sure. He now seems to realize his mistake and looks pretty horrified.
"I'm sorry Mr. Grace I shouldn't have assumed." I resist the urge to ask if everyone thinks it. It shouldn't matter if people think I'm gay. Well it did matter when my ex girlfriend thought it of course. But I shouldn't really worry about what my students think. "But would you still do it? You're our favorite teacher and most of the others trust you." He looks at me with big eyes.
"I'll think about it, okay?" I say and he grins at me.
"Great, thank you. See you tomorrow." With that he takes off.
"Jeff!" I yell and he immediately stops running and walks to the door in a very measured pace. I roll my eyes and go into the staff room. Children are horrible, I love them so much.
I'm not sure if it was the best idea to agree, but they need a teacher there if they want it to be a proper school club and I can't really think about who else they could have asked. And they need a safe space, so if I can help them with that, that's good. I just feel like as someone who is not part of the community, I shouldn't be in the room. I have to admit, I don't know a lot about these things, so I should probably do some research before the first meeting.
I start to read through some things and once again I get stuck at bisexuality. I have thought about this before but pushed it away again. It doesn't really feel right even though, being equally attracted to men and women sounds like it fits me.
I'm not very much into sex and this seems to be the same with men and women. My ex mainly had the opinion, that something is wrong with me, because all men want sex all the time. Maybe she was right.
Great, now this has dug up the things I had successfully pushed away over the past years. I close out of the page again. I'm mainly just expected to be there to make sure, the kids don't kill each other or themselves, so it's probably fine. I turn off my computer and go looking for a meal in the fridge.
I watch them talk about their experiences, I'm glad, they have a place where they can be open, about who they love and who they are. It is surprisingly ordered.
"It feels like everyone expects me, to find a boyfriend… well or a girlfriend, but most expect a girlfriend," Tami says. "But honestly, I don't care about this. Why do I need a relationship anyway? It seems like most people don't even know, aromantism and asexuality exists. And when they hear about it, they say, something is wrong with you." I see Fabio nodding viciously as he listens to her.
"And then they say, that we're still young, how would we even know that. Like, I just know." He adds. Tami smiles at him and lifts her hand for a high five.
And I'm just staring at them, as they continue to talk for a little longer. Aromantism. I have heard of asexuality before, but only in passing, and I have never really thought about it in regard to me. But now the more I listen to them, the more I feel like this might be me. My stomach clenches, something about this feels uncomfortable. I shouldn't be learning about this from a 14 and a 15 year old in school. I never even heard about being aromantic, but thinking back to the two relationships I had. I never really made the decision to be in a relationship. Thinking about how it worked with Linda back then, we had spent a lot of time together, I liked her, saw her as a friend and suddenly she had talked about dating and I went along because this is what you do and I liked her so this must have been it, I thought. But maybe it wasn't. I had always been confused about what the difference between friendship and romantic feelings is. Could that be the reason why?
I somehow wish, I could be talking about this now, with people who know more about this, but I can't talk with my middle school children about my sudden crisis in sexual orientation. I kinda want to leave, want to get home, run away from what I just learned but I know, I can't just leave and leave them alone or tell them to leave as well. I need to sit this out until the end of the hour. I try not to show any of my conflicting feelings on my face. I wonder where I could find people to talk about this. Do I even want to? Does this mean, I'm doomed to being alone?
Fudge, I wasn't ready for something like that, I thought I would just be sitting here, listen to them, maybe be a little bored, get between them if they started to fight. I almost wish they would start to fight, so I would have something to do, something that would take my mind off what I just heard. But they don't, so I just stay quiet.
When I'm at home again I get back to my computer and enter aromantism into the search engine, scroll through some articles, explaining it in a clinical tone. What does this mean? I look around my empty flat. I always wanted someone in my life, someone I'm close to, who I can trust with everything, maybe even someone I live with. Everytime I envisioned living with someone, it was more like a roommate situation. Living with Linda was honestly horrible. Sharing a bed isn't a thing I would want to do again. My friends are all in relationships and their partner is the most important person for them. I want to be this for someone as well, I wonder if I can ever be this.
Or maybe I just haven't found the right person yet?