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Ever since he took off his cloak that first day at the Castle, you knew Ralsei was familiar.
His dark fur reminded you of years past, some sort of distant memory you had forgotten. A blank piece of paper, a collection of crayons. Black, white, green. A collection of colorful blobs and scribbles.
You weren't sure how to feel about that.
When Ralsei takes his hat off and reveals his white fur and recognizable shape, you don't see your brother, or your mother, or your father — no, absolutely not. You see that previous memory, blown up on the big screen: the creature you drew when you imagined yourself. The creature you wanted to become, the creature you thought you'd grow into — a childish belief, unable to comprehend your innate differences.
When Susie sees the picture of Asriel and confuses him for Ralsei, you panic. They are not the same, far from it. They were always different; always have been, always will be. Ralsei has pink horns, you see. And his glasses are round, and he's smaller, petite, with a soft voice and optimistic glow. He twirls perfectly in his tunic, the pitter-patter of his paws light with a melodic rhythm. And he's not a monster at all, technically, so there.
And then, you think, you were always different from Asriel, right? Sure, all your clothes were his, and you had no decorations on your side of the room, and everyone you talk to is constantly talking about Asriel, Asriel, Asriel. And you get it. You miss him with every fiber of your being. He was your only friend for a time, but he's grown up and left you behind. You're your own person now, just like you've always been.
Right?
Ralsei looks at you, wide-eyed and nervous. "Should a...Darkner...be feeling like this?"
Yes. Of course. Absolutely. You're real, you think. You're a person.
But he's not, a voice in the back of your mind tells you. He's not real.
But he's real enough.
You remember looking in the mirror as a child, confused by what you saw.
You don't remember meeting any other humans. There were pictures, of course. Books, television, photo albums. You always turn away before you can focus on them. Seeing humans gives you a pit in your stomach.
Humans exist in the same way dinosaurs existed, or astronauts, or celebrities, or people who live on the other side of the world — things you can understand intellectually without ever quite understanding them personally.
You'd never seen a human child.
You couldn't tell if what you were seeing was normal. You couldn't ask why your reflection felt wrong in a way you couldn’t explain. You didn't know why you always felt like you were floating outside of your body, a spectator watching somebody else move through your life.
You don't know the person in the mirror.
At first, you were sure that Ralsei was everything you wanted to be when you were younger. "When I grow up," you had told your family, "I'll get horns just like you." You wouldn't get into trouble. You'd be nice, and smart, and polite. A child to put on a pedestal. The perfect son, or the perfect daughter, or...
It wasn't long before you realized that could never be you.
The longer you know Ralsei, the more apparent it becomes: you were never going to be him. And you don't dwell on that too much; he was everything you thought you wanted, but that was it. So you let him go, and you watch as he changes and grows. Gone are the days when he was a mirror of your childhood yearning. He is, truly, his own person. Someone with his own hopes and dreams. His own thoughts, secrets, desires.
You see a familiar look in his eyes. Not quite the same, but similar.
Ralsei is sitting beside you when you realize it.
It’s not dramatic. There is no revelation accompanied by a piano medley, no sudden understanding that rearranges the entire world. He is simply talking. You aren’t really listening. Then he says something about himself, and you get it.
She doesn’t seem to notice.
Monsters had horns, and tails, and wings, and scales, and fur. They could be gigantic predatory beasts, or tiny balls of fluff. They were versatile in ways humans couldn't imagine. They could change at will, and your human mind couldn't comprehend it.
Sometimes, when you were staring at yourself in the mirror, you'd pretend you could do that, too.
You imagined yourself taller, tougher, your voice deeper. You imagined Asriel.
You imagined yourself softer, gentler, your steps lighter. You imagined Noelle.
You weren't sure what you were, but maybe someday, you would. You just had to wait long enough.
Ralsei had always been difficult to read.
Everyone else is easy: Susie is loud when she’s angry and louder when she’s happy. Noelle smiles when she’s nervous. Berdly talks because silence scares him. Kris—
Ralsei continues speaking, and you try to focus on her.
It's the little things that you remember: the nervous, almost embarrassed happiness when someone compliments her appearance. The giddiness when she twirled in a frilly pink dress. The unconcealed annoyance every time Flowery pushed her buttons, taunting her to face the truth — whatever that was. Got it, Princess?
You'd assumed it was shyness, insecurity, simple Ralsei-isms. Ralsei is Ralsei, and maybe that’s the point.
You look at her face. She's stopped talking. You wonder how long she's noticed your inattentiveness.
Then, you say, very quietly, "You're a princess."
Ralsei's mouth parts, and barely audibly, "Yes..?"
Something inside your chest twists; a familiar sensation. You remember this feeling well. You understand.
Someday, I'll be a boy, you'd tell yourself late at night. Someday, I'll be a girl. Someday, I'll understand.
Adulthood, you believed, was a machine that would sort you into the correct category if you simply waited long enough.
But that machine wasn’t coming. There was no moment when the answer would arrive. There was only you.
You, in the mirror, with your not-quite-short-not-quite-long hair. Standing awkwardly, too short to fit in your brother's old hand-me-downs, too lanky to properly fill your form. An uneasy look in your eyes that freaked people out if they stared at you for too long. Dark eyes with glints of bright red, unnatural for a normal human being.
You had spent years thinking about what you were supposed to become. Eventually, you had to ask what you already were. It wasn’t anything you’d once wished you could be.
It's only you.
You glance at Ralsei again. She looks terrified.
"Is that bad?" she asks. "I don't have to be if you don't want me to—"
You almost laugh. "No."
Ralsei looks at you. You don't know what else to say.
"You're...good," you settle on. Her eyes widen. You shrug.
A tiny smile appears on her face. "Good?"
“Yeah," you look away. "Whatever you are. That's good."
She's quiet for a while. Then:
"I think I know what I am."
You turn back. She's smiling for real now. Small, nervous, but certain.
"Good," you say.
And that is enough.
You let each other exist.
Ralsei reaches over and takes your hand.
For once, neither of you needs to become anything.