Work Text:
Dear Evan,
The councilor said I should write letters to myself, write down the things I wish I could say.
I think it’s the dumbest thing ever but whatever.
Well, I guess here goes.
I hate mom and dad and I’m mad at Maddie for leaving me with them. I also hate her stupid boyfriend. He’s an asshole and there’s something really off about him. I mean, who needs to know where someone is 24/7? And it feels like Maddie is performing around him.
That’s really all I have to say to you (me?) so bye for now or whatever.
- Me (You?")
***
May knew she shouldn’t be breaking into Buck’s loft, but she was getting desperate.
Since the lawsuit debacle, May was lucky if she could get Buck to answer her texts for anything other than homework. She definitely couldn’t get him to agree to coming over to help her with projects or watch TV anymore, so she’d started showing up at Buck’s and basically forcing her way into his loft.
She needed him to know that he was still her big brother, despite how stupid everyone was being.
Buck was supposed to be on shift today, so she had plenty of time to find what she needed. No one would even know since she’d copied Bobby’s key to Buck’s loft ages ago. After shutting the door behind her, May immediately made her way over to the coffee table and opened a nondescript box. She set her backpack down next to her and pulled out a portable digital scanner in order to make a copy of everything.
You see, a few weeks prior, she’d shown up at the loft earlier than Buck had been expecting. She’d known the door was unlocked because he’d told her as much, but she’d forgotten to text him that she was early which meant that when she walked in, she caught Buck in the middle of writing what looked like a bunch of letters.
She’d brushed it off at the time, teasing him as he scrambled to tuck everything away and distract her, but then he began acting strange.
It started with him hiding his laptop and phone screens around her, then she noticed that he wasn’t keeping his fridge and pantry as well stocked as he normally did. Then last week he’d stepped out onto his balcony to take a call and she got a pretty bad paper cut so she went searching for a bandaid, only for the first aid kit to be missing from the downstairs bathroom. She knew he also had one upstairs so she’d gone up to get one, only to find two packed bags and an old map of the states.
All of that on it’s own had made her worry, but then he’d told her yesterday that he was taking some time away. Then he’d stepped out to take another call, only he didn’t shut the door all the way behind him so she was able to sneak closer and overhear him confirming a job interview.
Which led her to that moment, copying what she assumed was goodbye letters. She didn’t take the time to really look at them in the moment, figuring she’d sort through it all at home later. She just needed to get through everything and get the hell out in case Bobby sent Buck home early.
Again.
At last she was done scanning, so she carefully put everything back exactly as she found it before locking up and heading home.
***
Dear Evan,
Mom and dad forgot about us (me?) again today.
Turns out they decided to go out of town again, but they didn’t leave a note this time. I don’t even know how long they’ll be gone for.
Good thing I know where they keep the spare cash.
-Me.
***
“I just don’t get it. He fought tooth and nail to come back, going so far as to sue us, and now he’s just taking a vacation? What the hell is he thinking? And he went over my head about it, too!” They were cleaning up from dinner, with Bobby ranting about the fact that Buck was taking time off.
“Maybe he thinks he’s not wanted here.” It slipped out before May could stop it.
“What?” Everyone froze as Bobby spluttered, “Of course we want him here!”
“Huh. With how often you rant about him, send him home early, and actively exclude him…you could’ve fooled me.” May stopped what she was doing, folding her arms defensively over her chest. “Both of you.” She glared between her mom and Bobby.
“We’re all dealing with hurt feelings right now, May.” Bobby’s excuse sounded weak.
“And he isn’t? You’re his captain, and you betrayed him! Eddie’s his best friend, and he turned his back on Buck. His own sister isn’t even speaking to him. He’s alone, and it’s your fault.” She didn’t wait for an answer before storming off, barely resisting the urge to slam her door behind her.
Buck
Hey, just a reminder that I’m not home starting tomorrow.
Buck
U can still txt abt hw, tho. I may be slow to respond sometimes.
May grinned down at her phone when she saw the texts from Buck, his familiar mixed style causing a fond but exasperated eye roll.
May
Where are you even going? When will you be back?
Please be safe and check in.
Buck
I can’t tell u yet, but I’ll be back in abt a month.
Good luck on ur test tomorrow. You’re gonna crush it!
May
I’d crush it even more if I’d been able to get in
some last minute studying with my favorite
tutor
Buck
Had something to take care of
Besides, u don’t need me & we both know it.
May
Lies. I do need you
When will you get that through your thick head?
May sighed when Buck simply left her on read. Whether it’s because he didn’t have a response for her or because he got busy with his packing, she’d never know.
It was then that she remembered the letters she’d scanned. She got off the bed and crossed the room to lock her door before returning to the bed and sitting back down to read through everything. She felt bad about snooping through Buck’s private life, but the team needed to know what was happening before it was too late.
It wasn’t until she’d began reading that she realized just how wrong she was.
It wasn’t until she read the fourth letter that a plan formed.
***
Dear Evan,
It’s been a while since the last letter. Mom didn’t like the therapist’s proposed methods or whatever, so she stopped taking me. It’s not like I was really telling her anything anyway, so I guess I don’t care.
I almost did the unthinkable yesterday. If Maddie hadn’t called me out of the blue, I wouldn’t be here to write this right now.
It’s like she knew.
It doesn’t matter, though. I won’t try to do it again…I just need to work on not being so exhausting.
Cause that’s what I am, right? Exhausting? Why else would they sound so tired when they deign to acknowledge that I exist?
One day, I’m going to get out of here. One day, I’m going to find people who can at least tolerate me. I know finding people who actually love me is a big ask, so I’ll settle for them at least tolerating me.
I can be happy with that, right?
Anyway, I still don’t know how to sign this off since I’m just writing a letter to myself.
-Me.
***
Eddie had read through the letter three times already that morning, grateful that Christopher was at a sleepover since it meant that he didn’t have to pretend to be okay.
He’d woken that morning to find the email sitting innocently in his inbox, an unknown sender but with the entirety of their found family tagged with the subject “Before You Lose Him”. The message had been short, basically stating that the person sending them the emails was trying to make sure they knew what they were about to lose…that they knew who they were about to lose. Immediately, Eddie had known that the email hadn’t come from Buck, but he’d also immediately known that it was about Buck.
There had been four letters in total attached to the email, but that one…that one stuck with him.
I almost did the unthinkable yesterday.
Cause that’s what I am, right? Exhausting?
A big ask.
I’ll settle for them at least tolerating me.
Eddie ran a shaky hand over his shaved head, playing the words over once more in his mind. He doesn’t know if he’s the first person to ever say the word to Buck’s face, but he knows that he’s regretted it since the moment he’d done it. After reading that Buck had already thought that about himself? It’d made Eddie feel even worse.
I’ll settle for them at least tolerating me.
Did Buck really think that that was all they did? Did he really think that their family merely tolerated his existence?
He guessed it wasn’t that big of a stretch for Buck to think that, not after the way they’d been treating him lately…but Buck had to know that they all loved him.
Right?
A big ask.
Evan Buckley thought people actually loving him was too much of a request, and none of them had done anything to show him he was wrong.
Eddie didn’t know what to do with the guilt trying to suffocate his anger.
***
Dear Evan,
We did it! We graduated yesterday!
I mean, no one showed up for us, but who the hell cares cause we are finally done with high school!
Oh, you should’ve seen the look on Ms. Wheeler’s face when our name was called! She looked like she was sucking on a lemon. It was glorious!
That said, I wish Maddie had shown up. At least then it would’ve felt like someone actually cared about me. I don’t even think I would have minded seeing stupid Doug there if it meant getting to see my big sister.
She says she’ll take me out for a celebratory dinner next weekend, but I honestly doubt it.
I should be used to people letting me down by now.
Damn, ruined my own mood.
-Me.
***
Bobby let his phone drop onto his chest, the second to last line of the letter haunting him as he forced himself to get up and get ready for his shift.
He couldn’t help but think about how he was just another person who had let Buck down, how they all had let Buck down. Bobby may have held him back, but their family had been quick to follow his lead, something he hadn’t questioned or argued against.
Except May.
May had stood by Buck, even with the man himself trying to push her away.
The email had stated that more letters would be sent to them while Buck was gone. Bobby tried to lie to himself, to tell himself that he wouldn’t read them and invade Buck’s privacy like that…but he’d already read four of the letters.
He dreaded to think of how much more of a gut punch the rest of them were about to be.
***
Dear Evan,
Do you ever think that maybe we’re meant to be alone?
Because I do.
I tried to get Maddie to leave with me last night and I thought I’d succeeded, but she couldn’t even tell me to my face that she’d changed her mind. It’s ironic that she chose to tell me with a stupid letter.
Honestly, she’s probably glad to be rid of me since it means she won’t have to worry about her stupid kid brother anymore.
Whatever.
It’s just me and the jeep on the open road now, only thing I can exhaust now is myself.
-Me.
***
Eddie felt weary as he entered the firehouse.
The words a younger version of Buck had written weighing heavy on his mind as he changed into his uniform and made his way up to the loft.
He noticed the silence instantly.
“I guess we all got that email then?” Chimney’s tone was light, but his expression screamed guilt.
“What gave it away?” Hen was frowning down at her coffee.
“Maddie tried to call him before I left for shift…straight to voicemail.”
Eddie frowned at that bit of news.
“That’s not like him,” Bobby stopped whisking the eggs, head snapping up with a concerned look on his face.
“No, but we all certainly deserve it.” Eddie couldn’t keep the bitterness out of his voice. “We got what we wanted, right? We pushed him away, made it clear we didn’t want him around anymore, and now he’s gone.” His hands clenched into fists.
“We didn’t want that,” Hen sounded horrified, but Eddie couldn’t make himself look at her. “I’ll be the first to admit that I was disappointed in him, but I never wanted this. I never wanted to make him feel so unloved that he felt he needed to leave!”
“I don’t think Buck’s felt loved a day in his life.” Eddie didn’t mean for the words to slip out, but the silence that followed spoke volumes.
***
Dear Evan,
I lied to you, or maybe I lied to myself.
I tried again.
I just…I couldn’t take it anymore.
The loneliness, the silence…I couldn’t do it.
I took a bunch of pills, but it wasn’t until after the bottle was empty that I realized how much of a mistake I was making. I must’ve called for help, but I don’t remember it. I just remember feeling tired and then waking up in the hospital.
I think the psych hold was the only thing that made me regret calling for help.
But I’m out now, so it’s time to move on to the next place.
Hopefully, the next one is better.
-Me.
***
Eddie was laid down in the bunk room, his back pointedly turned away from Buck’s empty bed so that he could read the newest batch of letters without staring at one of the reminders for why they’d been sent in the first place.
He didn’t bother wiping away the tears that fell.
The loneliness, the silence…I couldn’t do it.
Dios, had Buck tried again after that one? Had he thought about trying again after what they’d put him through?
Eddie hoped he hadn’t. He didn’t think he could handle the guilt if he had.
***
Dear Evan,
When I left Hershey, I never imagined that I’d be seeing the things I’ve seen.
Beaches, mountains, deserts…it’s been incredible!
I’m working on a dude ranch right now. It’s good work, but I don’t see myself sticking around for much longer. The itch to go is still too prominent.
I wonder who I’ll try to be next.
-Me.
***
As Bobby drove home from his 24 hour shift, he thought about the letters he’d read that day.
He’d forgotten how well traveled the kid was, having pushed the knowledge to the back of his mind in the face of his blatant immaturity.
But how much of that had been a front? How much of that immaturity was because Buck never really had the structure necessary to learn how to temper it? How much intelligence had Buck buried just to seem like a normal kid so that he could fit in with those around him?
I wonder who I’ll try to be next.
Did Buck feel like he needed to hide the real him away just to be accepted?
He thought back on the time he’d known Buck as he drove.
The way he’d had no interest in cooking until after Bobby’s relapse, the purposeful pushing that Buck had done when he realized that Bobby needed something to do. His subsequent research binges when he realized Bobby was delighted by the interest he was showing…
Buck hadn’t seemed interested in expanding his movie knowledge until after Chimney survived the rebar incident, indulging the older man’s long winded rants that seemed to get longer and more animated with every careful question Buck asked.
The more he thought about it, the more he realized that Buck had never seemed to perform with Hen and Eddie.
Especially Eddie.
Bobby couldn’t decide if that made him feel better or worse, knowing that Buck had had at least two people he was himself around…only for Bobby to destroy it.
***
Evan,
I wish I could go back in time and smack you for thinking the SEALs would be a good idea.
Or…I guess smack myself?
Whatever.
The point it that it was an absolutely terrible idea. 10 out of 10 do not recommend.
It wasn’t even the physical stuff! I could do all of that without issue! It was the fact that they wanted us to be robots. I was expected to leave teammates behind if they fell and that just isn’t me.
I know too well what it’s like to be left behind, and I know that’s different, but I just wish someone had helped me when I needed it.
So why would I turn my back when someone else falls?
-Me.
***
If Buck ever let him, Eddie would probably spend weeks groveling at the mans feet for forgiveness.
The fucking SEALs?
No wonder Buck had been so pissy about Eddie when he’d first arrived.
How could the others know about that and think Buck was incompetent? How could Bobby know and still yell at Buck for his seemingly crazy ideas?
How had Buck put up with it?
***
Dear Evan,
I think I finally understand true peace.
Peru.
How do I go back after this? Beaches, surfing, adventure, the history?
If I could, I think I’d stay here forever.
There’s a little old lady that I met after my bar shift one afternoon. I was exhausted and just wanted to go back to my room, but she’d fallen over and her bags had split open with everything she’d bought at the market…I helped her up, gathered all of her things, and walked her home. I felt buzzed about it all day!
I think the opportunity to help people is really the only thing that could get me to leave at this point.
Anyway, Marina insists I call her abuela and also says I’m too thin. She makes me come over almost everyday so that she can feed me, but she also puts me to work so I don’t feel as bad about taking up her time. So far I’ve helped fix a leak with her sink, replaced her rotted stairs up to the porch, repainted her fence and her porch rails, helped pull the weeds from her garden, and helped her start planting even more things.
If I ever leave, I think I’ll miss her the most.
I’d keep in touch, but why would she want to hear from me if I can’t be useful to her anymore?
It’s not her fault that I wish she was actually my abuela.
-Me.
***
Eddie was sitting in his own abuela’s kitchen, smiling sadly as he watched her guide Christopher through making tamales.
Useful.
Buck only felt like he was deserving of love if he was being useful. If Eddie could, he’d wipe the word completely from the man’s mind. Although, it did unfortunately explain some things. Anytime he’d invited Buck over, both to his abuela’s and to his own house, Buck had insisted on helping out with something.
Looking back, it was probably Buck trying to feel like he’d earned the right to even be there.
The more he thought about it, the more he realized that Buck seemed to do that everywhere. At the station, at Bobby’s, outings…
“What’s wrong, Eddie?” His abuela’s soft voice pulled him from his thoughts.
“Nothing,” He shook his head. “Just realizing that I’ve made a mistake, one that I’m not really sure how to fix.”
“With Buck?” He looked at her in surprise. “He hasn’t been around since before the tsunami. It used to be that I hardly ever saw the two of you without him.”
“Yeah,” Eddie sighed, shoulders slumping. “I really messed up with him. I just…I was so angry.”
“Mi Edmundo and your father…you get that from them.” Abuela gave him a small smile. “I’m just glad you’re not teaching Christopher to be angry.”
“I don’t want him to be like me, abuela. I want him to be happy, just like Shannon, just like…” He froze, the revelation hitting him like a sucker punch. “Just like Buck.”
“You want him to be just like your amor.”
Eddie nodded absently, still reeling from the revelation. Although, his abuela also picking up on what he hadn’t said shouldn’t have surprised him the way it did.
Dios, he was in love with Buck.
***
Dear Evan,
Remember when I said I’d probably only leave if I got the opportunity to help people?
Well, guess who got accepted to the LAFD fire academy! I’m loving it so far. Don’t get me wrong, the training is intense, but it’s so worth it! I’m living with some guys I met in Peru, it’s basically a frat house, but it’s good. It’s something until I find a place on my own.
Definitely beats living out of the jeep.
There’s three other Evan’s in my class, and I’ve always hated my name anyway, so they started calling me ‘Buck’.
I really think this is the place to put down roots.
Hope I don’t mess it all up like I always do.
Damn, I’ve really gotta stop ruining my own mood.
-Buck.
***
Bobby sat in his truck, frowning as he stared off into space.
Like I always do.
Buck really thought he was the one always at fault when things went wrong. It didn’t matter that this entire situation was Bobby’s fault - because he’d finally admitted that much to himself - and it didn’t matter that they’d all let things go too far…Buck took their blame and made it his own.
Just as he’d been taught to do by his parents.
Bobby thinks he may be starting to hate himself just a little.
***
Dear Evan,
I found out I was raped.
I thought I just felt weird about it because she kicked me out after even though there was still time left on the session…like bad aftercare etiquette or something? I don’t know.
I posed the scenario as a hypothetical to one of the guys I live with since he’s a psych major.
It didn’t matter that I was a consenting adult, it didn’t matter that I’m a self-diagnosed sex addict and that it sort of made me feel better in the moment…it just mattered that I was crying and she took advantage of that to sleep with me. She held a position of power over me.
He said she could’ve threatened my job if I didn’t sleep with her.
I don’t know if she would’ve done that or not.
I just know no one listened when I tried to tell them, nothing was done with my anonymous report, and now I understand why I felt so bad afterwards.
Honestly, I still feel bad.
-Buck.
***
Eddie was already sitting with a mug of coffee when the others crested the stairs.
Bobby said nothing as he headed for the kitchen, his shoulders set in a tense line as he pulled out everything needed to start breakfast. Hen and Chimney joined him at the table, their faces drawn with guilt as they all sat in silence.
Breakfast was eaten and cleaned up before someone broke the silence.
“We made jokes.” Chimney stared blankly at his cold mug of coffee. “He was-” Chimney took in a shuddering breath. “We chalked it up to him just being Buck…”
“How are we ever going to make this right? He has no reason to forgive us.” Hen took off her glasses, rubbing harshly at her eyes.
And with just two weeks left until Buck came home…Eddie wasn’t sure if they were even worthy of trying.
***
Dear Evan,
Bobby says this team isn’t a family, and maybe he’s right.
Or maybe he’s only right by his standards.
I don’t think I know what a family is supposed to be. I’ve heard that a family is supposed to know you and love you unconditionally, but mine never did.
This one doesn’t either.
I mean, if they did then they’d know I wouldn’t revert back to my old ways by talking to a bunch of different women while in a committed relationship with Abby.
So I guess Bobby was wrong about us not being a family.
Family to me has never really known me and has always just assumed the worst about me anyway.
-Buck.
***
“Alright, we need a plan.” Bobby set down his pen, his focus pulled away from his paperwork as the others stopped what they were doing. The words had slipped out without prompting, but they were no less true.
“Do we even deserve a chance?” Everyone looked at Eddie who was staring at the table with his arms crossed.
“No, but we’re going to try anyway.” Hen sounded determined. “Buck deserves to know that he is loved, actually loved, and not just tolerated.”
Bobby just hoped her determination eventually spread to the rest of them.
***
Dear Evan,
Abby left.
She says she’ll be back but…I don’t know. It felt like goodbye.
I feel like I’m, unfortunately, an expert at recognizing those.
-Buck.
***
May had been watching Bobby the last couple of weeks, some part of her feeling quietly satisfied with how guilty he seemed.
However, this weekend there was going to be a barbecue, which meant that she’d be able to see how everyone was feeling about the letters. Obviously, she’d have to be careful not to give herself away, but she needed to know if this was working.
She didn’t want to lose Buck because of their family’s mistakes.
***
Dear Evan,
A new guy started at the station today.
Eddie.
Stupid, perfect Eddie.
Apparently, he was an army medic and earned a silver star.
Everyone was just falling over themselves to be friends with him, couldn’t stop praising him all shift.
It was ridiculous!
There was no hazing, there were no cold shoulders, he just instantly had their respect. No one questioned his ability to do his job. No one made him earn his place here.
Whatever.
I guess it’s a good thing I haven’t found my own place yet - cause staying at Abby’s honestly feels weird at this point- since I’ll probably get transferred soon anyway. Bobby’s got his all-star team now, so what does he need me for?
I guess I hoped I wasn’t just a placeholder this time around.
-Buck
***
Bobby read and reread the letter before scrubbing a hand over his face.
He was slowly realizing just how much he’d messed up with Buck, well before everything with the lawsuit.
***
Dear Evan,
Bobby didn’t transfer me!
Eddie and I are also best friends now! I’ve never had a best friend, so this is very exciting! I really hope I can keep myself in check. Don’t want to exhaust him, ya know?
Anyway, Eddie has this super adorable kid named Christopher and he’s insanely smart!
Oh, and Maddie’s here too! She left Doug and is actually going to stay here in LA!
Maybe things are finally turning around!
-Buck.
***
“Has anyone heard from Buck?” Maddie’s voice was thick with tears as they all sat around the patio.
“I think May’s been talking to him sporadically, but if she knows anything then she isn’t sharing.” Bobby pushed the food on his plate around, shoulders slumped.
“I’ve spoken to him, briefly, but he’s okay.” All eyes turned to Athena. “What?” She cocked an eyebrow. “Did y’all really think that boy would ignore a call from me?”
Everyone exchanged sheepish looks while Athena just scoffed.
“I may not have been by that boys side publicly, but I’ve made sure he knows I’m still there for him.”
“What are you talking about?” Eddie leaned forward.
“Buck didn’t want me to get caught in the middle of…whatever this is,” She waved her hand over the group with a grimace, “Since he didn’t want to cause problems between Bobby and I. He didn’t push back when Maddie stopped speaking to him for the same reason. Buck didn’t feel like he was worth fighting for.” Anger and disappointment dripped from her tone.
“But he is worth the fight!” Eddie stood abruptly, beginning to pace.
“Then maybe you shouldn’t have turned your backs on him.” Eddie stopped in his tracks, Athena’s words landing like a blow.
You can have my back any day.
O-Or you could, you know, you could have mine.
Except he hadn’t had Buck’s back.
***
Dear Evan,
I got blown up not too long ago. Doctors aren’t sure if I’ll be able to be a firefighter again.
Everyone’s somehow still here but for how much longer? Do they only care so much because I’m hurt? Will they leave once they realize I’m useless to them now?
Mom and dad only ever cared when I was hurt too, at least they did until they realized caring for me was too much work.
I’m glad it was me who almost died, everyone else has families so they’d be missed. But it’s just me, so they would have moved on pretty quick if I hadn’t made it. They’ll probably still move on pretty quick once they realize I can’t do things for them anymore.
Maddie might stay, but she’s my sister so she probably thinks she has to…
I wish I wasn’t a burden to her.
-Buck.
***
Maddie stood in Buck’s apartment, tears streaming down her face as she took in the lack of Buck.
The light and joy that had once filled the place to the brim was gone, replaced by dust and palpable loneliness.
The plants on his balcony were still green, indicating that May was most likely stopping by to water them. Whether Buck was aware of this fact or not would probably never be known to her. The air was stagnant, so she propped open the balcony door while she got to work removing the layer of dust that had settled in while Buck had been gone.
As she cleaned, she realized that almost every photo of her and the team was missing. She found the box shoved in a corner, broken glass and frames making it difficult for her safely sift through the mess to reach the photos stacked on the bottom, but she managed it.
Her heart broke when she pulled them out and realized that Buck had removed himself from every single one.
Literally cut or scratched himself away.
Wiping her eyes, she carefully returned the photos to the box before finishing her cleaning, shutting the place back up, grabbing the box, and leaving.
She’d fix this.
She had to.
***
Dear Evan,
Turns out cobalt screws and I do not get along.
Had a bunch of blood clots that resulted in a pulmonary embolism…almost died on my captain’s back porch and definitely traumatized everyone.
They all think I was being reckless and lying about the discomfort just so that I could get back to work faster, but I wasn’t! It genuinely felt like a leg cramp, which they told me was normal! I’d even brought it up to my doctor the day before my recerts and they said it was fine!
But they wouldn’t listen, they never listen!
I’ll never be anything but that reckless probie to them.
-Buck.
***
“We should have listened to him.” Hen’s voice was quiet as she slipped a photo into a brand new frame.
There was a week and a half left until Buck was due to return and they were all off shift. They’d gathered once more at the Grant-Nash home to replace all of the photos that Buck had destroyed, plus add new ones that were their favorites in hopes of quietly showing Buck that they loved him until he was on shift so they could tell them themselves.
Using actual words.
“We should have done a lot of things.” Eddie was frowning down at his stack, the largest bundle of the group. “But we can’t change what we’ve done, we can only change what we do.”
“Guys,” Chimney sounded hesitant, “What if he doesn’t forgive us? What if he doesn’t believe us?”
“Then we’ve failed him worse than we realized.” Bobby’s expression was grave.
The words settled harshly over the group as they got back to work.
***
Dear Evan,
I lost Christopher.
I know I wasn’t technically at fault since a tsunami hit, but I should’ve kept a better hold on him. I prioritized helping other people over keeping an eye on him and he fell back into the water because of that.
I couldn’t find him.
I tried.
I tried to find him.
I would have died to find him.
But I ran into Eddie first.
Then suddenly Chris was just…there.
Then Eddie drops Christopher off at the loft the next day as if I wasn’t responsible for losing his son?
I don’t deserve that trust. I don’t deserve his forgiveness.
I deserve to be left behind. I deserve to deal with my nightmares alone.
But I am, apparently, a very selfish man. I’m going to cherish every moment with them that I can. I’m going to accept what I’m being given because I’m too weak to tell Eddie he’s making a mistake.
Maybe that means he’ll hate me even more when I inevitably do something not worth forgiving.
-Buck.
***
“Hey, mijo.” Eddie poked his head into his son’s room. “Do you want to help me surprise Buck with something?”
“Of course!” Chris gave him a look like he was stupid, making Eddie chuckle. “D-does that mean you aren’t m-mad at him now?”
He froze for a moment. He shouldn’t be surprised that Chris had picked up on the tension given how observant his kid was, but he was still caught off guard by the innocent question. With a sigh, Eddie moved to sit on Chris’s bed.
“Honestly, bud, I shouldn’t have been mad at him at all. But I’ve said and done some really mean and hurtful things to him recently so I’m not sure if he’ll ever forgive me.”
“H-he’ll forgive you,” Chris sounded more sure than Eddie felt. “Is the s-surprise part of the apology?”
“Yeah,” He huffed a laugh, feeling caught. “Yeah, it is.”
“Then I’m in! Ca-an he take me to the zoo after?” Chris beamed at him.
“We’ll see, mijo. He’s out of town right now, so he won’t see our surprise for a few more days.”
“That’s okay. I have time to make it perfect.”
Chris turned away from Eddie, grabbing out paper and his colored pencils as he went.
Eddie watched on, silently praying this would work.
***
Dear Evan,
I finally did it.
I finally made an unforgivable mistake.
In a moment of reckless anger and desperation, I filed a lawsuit against Bobby and the department. Effectively ruining my relationships and my career.
I just wanted to go back to work, I wanted to go back to my team…to my family.
I thought it was the brass blocking my return, but it turned out that it was Bobby. He told them I wasn’t ready even though I had all of my sign offs. He said I was a liability to the team.
Not to the family.
Because we aren’t a family, are we? He told me that so many times, but I still built it up in my head and let myself believe he was wrong.
But he wasn’t wrong, I was just wanting more than I deserved.
What family would want me anyway?
-Buck.
***
Bobby sat in his office, the door open, as he braced himself for wrath of the others.
Sure enough, Eddie stormed in and slammed the door behind him. Bobby figured Hen and Chimney weren’t too far behind him.
“How could you?!” Eddie slammed his hands down on the desk just as the door cracked open to reveal Hen and Chimney. Both of them looked just as enraged.
“Eddie, maybe you should-” Hen tried, which was more than Bobby deserved.
“-No! I want to know where he gets off on turning all of us against Buck because he couldn’t admit the truth! You lied to us! You said he was rushing back, that he was going against his doctors orders, that he just couldn’t wait. But it turns out he wasn’t rushing!”
“He wasn’t ready-”
“-Bullshit! Buck was being careful, I know he was! He was talking to his doctor, he was-”
“-I wasn’t ready!” The room fell silent beyond his and Eddie’s heaving breaths. “I wasn’t ready for him to be back. He almost died because of me, I thought-”
“-You thought wrong! He didn’t almost die because of you, Bobby, he almost died because some psychotic kid needed somewhere to put his anger because he couldn’t accept that his dad had done something wrong. He almost died because of a bad reaction to the metal in his legs. He almost died because of a natural disaster. Not because of you.” Eddie’s eyes were blazing, his fists clenched. “If we lose him because you couldn’t talk to him and because you lied to us, then I will never forgive you.”
Bobby watched helplessly as Eddie stormed out of his office.
***
Dear Evan,
Someone finally said it. Someone other than me finally admitted, out loud, that I’m exhausting.
Someone…who am I kidding? Eddie finally said it.
He finally said the quiet part out loud. The thing I knew but prayed no one would ever acknowledge, at least not to my face.
But he’s right. I’m exhausting.
God, I’m so fucking exhausting that I even tire myself out.
I’ll be less, maybe then they’ll let me back. If being less isn’t enough, then I’ll leave.
At least I’m good at that.
-Buck.
***
Eddie couldn’t sleep.
It was nearing three in the morning, with four days left until Buck was supposed to be back, and Eddie was wide awake. His own words haunting him as they had since that day.
With a sigh, he sat up and took his phone off the charger.
He’d sent Buck a few messages since the first email, but he hadn’t tried calling him until that moment. He wasn’t surprised when the call went straight to voicemail, but it still hurt.
“Hey, Buck. Um…I don’t know if you’re checking these or if you’ve just been deleting them. I wouldn’t blame you if you were,” Eddie scrubbed a hand over his face, sniffling. “I, uh, I miss you. Miss my best friend…miss my partner.” He chuckled wetly. “I’m sorry, Buck. I’m so fucking sorry for what I said to you that day, for everything I’ve done since you came back, for letting you believe you aren’t enough. There's so much more I want to say to you, but I'm hoping I get the chance to say it to your face. So I guess I'll see you in a few days…bye, Buck.”
Eddie hung up with a sigh, sinking down on the bed until he was flat on his back. Rolling onto his side, he pulled up the last photo he'd taken of the three of them together and just…stared.
He kept staring until he finally drifted off.
***
Dear Evan,
Bobby said I'd regret coming back…and he was right.
It doesn't matter what I do or how much I apologize, they'll never forgive me. I've lost them. Or maybe I never actually had them and they finally have a reason to show me that.
Being less doesn't seem to be making things better.
Maybe it would have been better if I'd died in that explosion.
I mean, think about it.
If I had died, Christopher never would have been on the pier. The lawsuit never would have happened. No one would be angry.
I’m a ghost in my own life and there’s no one to blame but myself.
-Buck.
***
Eddie sat on Buck’s couch, watching Christopher set up the last of their surprise for the man with a bittersweet smile. His eyes were still dry and puffy from crying after rereading the latest batch of letters that morning before Chris had woken up.
Knowing that Buck thought it would've been better if he'd died? It broke something in Eddie.
He thought back over the weeks since Buck had come back. The subdued behavior, how quick he was to vacate a space, how quiet he'd become…all of the signs had been there, glaringly obvious if he'd simply deigned to pay attention.
He made himself a silent promise that if Buck let him back into his life, Eddie would make sure he was worthy of the honor until the day he died.
***
Dear Evan,
I think it's time to move on.
We tried the whole roots thing here in LA and it just didn't work out.
I think the next place we go, we should just stay in our own bubble. Accept a job offer from a firehouse that clearly doesn't care about each other outside of shift so that we don't have to worry about being too much for them. Go for a house that will move on quickly after we inevitably die.
I'll make up an emergency contact next time, have a burner phone ready in case they try to call. That way it's a situation of them thinking my EC just didn't answer rather than them knowing they never existed to begin with. I'll have my will set up so that Maddie gets my things, but Christopher gets the money. Eddie doesn't know about the college fund I started for Chris, and now he definitely won't unless I die or Chris turns 18.
Whichever happens first.
I hope I die first.
-Buck.
***
“Listen up, I have an announcement.”
Eddie was sitting with Hen and Chimney when Bobby appeared, getting everyone's attention with a serious look on his face.
“Buckley is due to return next shift,” Several people grumbled, making Eddie clench his fists. “No, none of that. Not anymore.” Everyone paused at the venom in Bobby's voice. “I should have put a stop to that on day one. Hell, I never should have let any of this even start.”
Eddie leaned forward with interest when Bobby sighed.
“Buck didn't betray me or the department when he filed that lawsuit. He fought for his right to return to a job he loves because I was holding him back. He had the sign offs, but I wasn't ready to face the possibility of losing him due to my mistakes again.”
A murmur went through the gathered crowd, glances exchanged quickly as Bobby called for them to be silent once more.
“When he returns, we will be apologizing to him for how we’ve treated him. Anyone who doesn’t by the end of shift will have to contend with me. Are we clear?” Bobby glared them all down until everyone had agreed. “Good, then you’re dismissed.”
***
Dear Evan,
I have a confession to make before I hit the road for this trip.
I’m in love with Eddie.
I’m in love with my best friend and he’s never going to know because I will never tell him. I was going to, before I ruined everything…although maybe that would’ve been the thing to ruin it all instead.
I mean, he’s straight.
Telling your straight best friend that you love him in a non-platonic way is bound to make things too awkward to bear. I probably would have been the one to leave then as well, just so that he didn’t lose his support system. Because the 118, Carla, his abuela, and his tia Pepa are way better for him than his parents.
Maybe someday I’ll get over my feeling for him, or maybe I won’t.
It doesn’t matter anymore.
-Buck.
***
Eddie stared at his phone blankly, trying to process the fact that Buck had apparently figured out his feelings well before Eddie had.
Buck was due back on shift the next day, would probably be back at the loft that very evening…and Eddie no longer knew how to handle that fact.
He thought he could live quietly with his feelings for Buck until he’d earned the man’s forgiveness, but this changed everything. This meant that he’d have to be extra careful in his approach and make sure to be as straightforward as possible with the man since any misstep would likely result in Buck spiraling and thinking he’d done something wrong when he hadn’t.
Eddie was now stuck debating between coming clean about his own feelings so that Buck could proceed with all of the facts…or hiding his feelings from the man until he’d earned his friendship back.
If Buck even forgave him.
***
Dear Evan,
We’re back at work tomorrow.
No one knows we’re planning to leave and that’s the way it’s going to stay. It’s not like they care anyway, they’ll probably even be relieved if I’m being honest.
Maybe I should tell May, I should definitely tell Athena, but they’d just try to talk me out of it.
I’m going to miss everyone, especially Christopher and May, but Chris will forget me eventually. May will be harder, but she’ll stop texting me eventually as well. Life will get busy, college and whatever career she chooses.
Is it bad that some part of me wishes she’d forget about me now?
Austin, TX is for sure a no-go. Captain Strand made it clear that he wants his team to be a family, so that’s knocks them off the list. NYC makes the cut, but the city genuinely seems like nightmare fuel when it comes to navigating it. Boston, MA is another one that makes the cut, but I will definitely need to keep quiet about some things at that particular house - I’ve heard stories about Gerrard, the captain before Bobby, and I think these guys would have thrived under him.
I don’t have time to list them all and why they do or don’t make the cut, I have a shift first thing in the morning.
We’ll see who I get an offer from and go from there.
For now, I’m spending one last night in the jeep before I have to return to normal routines tomorrow. Good thing I thought to pack a spare uniform…just need to make sure to get there early so that I can shower.
I’m really going to miss the view of the city from this overlook.
-Buck.
***
Buck pulled into the lot of the 118, turning the engine off once he’d parked. He sat there for a moment before grabbing his backpack - since his duffels were packed full and he needed something to act as a work bag for the shift - and made his way into the station. He could hear people chatting up in the loft, so he quickened his stride into the locker room for a towel before slipping into the bathroom for a shower.
He didn’t linger in the shower, washing quickly before drying off and dressing in his uniform. He emerged from the bathroom to find Chimney hanging out awkwardly in the locker room, clearly waiting for him.
“Uh, hey, Buck.” Buck grunted in response, moving towards his locker. “We’ve been trying to get in touch with you.”
“I know,” May and Athena had told him, “Phone was on do not disturb. It was a vacation after all.” He kept his words clipped, shoving his bag into the locker and grabbing out his phone before slamming it shut and putting the lock back into place.
He hadn’t checked any of the messages from the team, planning to tackle that in the comfort of his own bed.
“Right,” He heard Chim shift nervously, clearing his throat. “Uh, have you talked to Maddie?” Buck didn’t bother answering, just staring flatly at Chim. “Yeah, dumb question. We all missed you around here.”
“I’m sure,” He couldn’t hide the note of sarcasm. “Do you need something? I’m sure there’s plenty of chores for me to catch up on.”
“You’re not going to eat with us?” He gave Chimney a look. “Right, another dumb question.” He watched the man sigh, his shoulders slumping. “Look, Buck, I’m really sorry for how I’ve been treating you since the lawsuit. I let my hurt feelings get in the way of our friendship, and you didn’t deserve that.”
Whatever Buck had been expecting…it wasn’t that.
“Uh, r-right. Apology accepted, I guess.” It didn't really matter anyway if he rebuilt bridges or not.
He made to leave, except Chimney moved in front of him once more.
“No. No accepted apology, let me earn your forgiveness. Please?” He blinked in surprise at the genuine plea he could hear in the man’s voice. “Starting with breakfast after shift tomorrow?”
“Y-yeah, that’s…we can do that. Just text me the details.”
“Text you? We're off shift at the same time.” Chim looked confused.
“We both know Bobby'll send me home early. I'd bet he sends me home right at the 12 hour mark.” Buck rolled his eyes with a shake of his head, finally moving past Chimney. “Just text me about breakfast, I'll make sure to get there early to grab us a table.” Buck walked out, missing the shocked look on Chimney’s face.
After leaving the locker room, Buck made his way to the supply closet, no longer needing to see his chores list as he got started on inventory.
***
“Buck, hey.” He was nearly done with the ambulance when Hen appeared. “How was your vacation?”
“Good.” He didn't stop what he was doing or freely offer details like he would have in the past.
“Did you go somewhere fun?” He shrugged, marking another item off the list. “C-can I help you with this?”
“No thanks, I'm almost done.” He marked the last item off before pushing past her towards the supply closet, intent on grabbing the things he'd noted were low.
“Buck, wait.” He didn't stop. “Buck, please.” He came to a halt with a sigh.
“Look, I'm trying to make sure you guys don't go out short on something so I'd appreciate if you'd let me do at least this portion of my job.” He didn't turn around.
“You're coming out with us.”
“Sure.” He didn't bother telling her she was wrong, he just entered the supply closet and got to work pulling what he needed.
“Buck-"
“-Hen, just…just don't, okay?” Buck tossed the gauze he'd just grabbed onto the cart. “We both know I'm not going to be allowed out on a call, so stop trying to get my hopes up. You've already done that once.”
He didn't see her flinch or the way her face crumpled. He just heard her sharp inhale.
“Buck, I'm so sorry I turned my back on you. I welcomed you back and then I just…I let the pressure get to me. It doesn't excuse it, but I want to make it right with you.”
“I can't trust that you won't let me down again.”
“I know, but I can't make things right unless you give me the chance to.”
Buck sighed, mourning his clean break from the 118 in favor of maintaining his secret - and some semblance of peace - until he was gone.
“Fine.”
***
He was putting towels away a little while later when the tones went off. He didn’t even twitch, already knowing he was the man behind.
Someone shoved the door open, making him pause. Turning, he was surprised to find Bobby standing there.
“Buck-”
“-Man behind, I know.” He turned back to what he was doing. “Be safe out there, captain.”
“What? No, Buck-”
“-You’re wasting time reminding me I’m not a real firefighter anymore. You should go, plenty of lives to save and all.” He heard Bobby groan in frustration, but no further argument came as the man rushed off.
By the time they returned the apparatus bay floor and all of the reachable windows were gleaming, the kitchen and bunk room had been deep cleaned, the bunks had been stripped, and Buck was nearly done with washing and remaking all of the beds.
“Buck, can I speak with you in my office?” Bobby startled him as he finished remaking the current batch of beds. The last batch of bedding was in the dryer.
“Sure, captain.” Picking up the empty basket, he followed Bobby out of the bunk room.
Entering the captain’s office, Buck set the basket next to him on the floor before taking a seat. He heard the door click shut, then Bobby was sitting across from him.
“Buck, I wanted to talk to you about this morning,” The man sighed, shoulders slumping. “I wanted to talk to you about you coming back as a whole, honestly.”
“No need, I’ll go clear out my locker.” Buck felt too numb to feel any panic at the prospect of being fired, he simply stood up with a nod and grabbed the basket.
“Woah, wait, no.” Bobby also stood, his voice rising slightly and making Buck pause in confusion. “Why would you be clearing out your locker?”
“I assume you’ve finally found a legitimate reason to fire me?” His confusion grew as Bobby’s expression twisted from shock to guilt.
“No,” The vehemence caught Buck off guard, “You’re not being fired, Buck.”
“Oh,” He sat back down with a frown, letting go of the basket. “My bad for assuming.”
“Given how we’ve all been treating you, it was a legitimate leap. For that, I’m sorry.” Bobby sank back into his chair.
“It’s fine.” Why was everyone suddenly apologizing?
“It really isn’t, Buck. How you’ve been treated since your return by myself and the others is unacceptable.”
“It’s fine.” It really wasn’t, but that didn’t matter.
“No, it really isn’t. As your captain, I should have stepped in sooner. Hell, I never should have let it start. I let personal feelings get in the way, I lied to the team to get them on my side…I turned everyone against you.”
“It doesn’t matter,” It did matter but he wasn’t going to readily admit that to himself, “I sued you and the department, effectively betraying everyone. The anger is justified.”
“But it’s not.” Bobby leaned forward. “Buck, kid, we miss you.”
“You shouldn’t.” Buck found himself staring a hole into Bobby’s desk just to avoid looking the man in the eyes. “I ruined everything, but I’m doing what I can to fix it.”
Leaving would fix everything.
“It’s not just on you, Buck. I need to fix things with you, as do the others.”
“Is that why everyone has suddenly started apologizing?” Everyone except Eddie.
“Partly. Some…well, some things came to light while you were gone and I admitted to the others what I’d done.”
“Oh,” Buck frowned, still not meeting Bobby’s gaze.
“I’m throwing a barbecue this weekend and I want you to come. We all want you to come.”
“C-can I think about it?” He already knew he would be saying no, he just needed time to figure out how to gently say no.
“Of course.” Bobby sounded sad, as if he already knew Buck was going to turn him down.
“Thanks, cap.” He stood once more, grabbing the basket.
“One last thing,” Buck paused as Bobby spoke up, “You’re no longer man behind unless it’s actually your turn, you get injured, or you actually request it.”
“Oh, are you sure?”
“I’m sure, Buck. It’s past time I stopped standing in the way of you being a firefighter.”
***
The rest of the shift was slow and odd, with more than one person approaching him to apologize or offer to help him with his chores.
Except Eddie.
Buck could feel the man's eyes on him all day, but he never approached. He couldn’t decide if he was relieved or not, since leaving Eddie and Christopher behind would be the hardest part of his inevitable move.
Breakfast with Chimney was…nice. There were more than a few starts and stops, but they eventually found an easy rhythm. By the time they were parting, Buck had reluctantly promised to reach out to Maddie. The clean break that he’d been banking on was steadily slipping away with everyone’s insistence on fixing things with him.
He’d briefly considered accepting the apologies but maintaining distance, except that would raise red flags and probably make them pay closer attention to him which is something he definitely didn’t need. If his continued distance was mentioned to or around May or Athena?
Game over.
***
Finally returning to the loft, Buck dragged his bags out of the jeep before lugging it all up to his unit. He all but kicked the door shut, eyes already closed from exhaustion since he knew the way through his apartment like the back of his hand. Keeping his eyes shut, he made his way up the stairs - nearly tripping more than once - before depositing his bags on the floor and taking a shower in the dark.
He didn't bother digging his charger out when he dried off from his shower. He simply pulled on a pair of sweats before collapsing onto the bed, pulling the covers over his head seconds before he passed out.
***
He woke later to find the sun was beginning to set.
Wiping the drool from his face with a grimace, Buck sat up slowly and blew out a breath before stumbling out of bed towards the bags. He fumbled with the zippers until he opened the correct bag containing his toiletries, then shuffled towards the bathroom so that he could make himself feel slightly more human.
When he finally emerged, far more awake than when he’d entered, his eyes finally snagged on something on his nightstand.
Something that hadn’t been there before he’d left.
Moving closer, Buck picked up the brand new picture frame and stared down at a photo of himself and the 118 at one of the last barbecues he’d attended before the lawsuit. Sinking down onto the mattress, Buck felt his throat tighten as tears welled up in his eyes.
Clenching his jaw and blinking rapidly, Buck slammed the photo face down on the nightstand before standing up and stalking down the stairs…only to freeze again when he noticed more frames littered throughout the space. He also noticed new photos on his fridge, along with drawings from the kids.
Looking around in open-mouthed shock, Buck spotted the small pile on his coffee table.
Walking over, he collapsed heavily onto his couch as he stared at the pile, trying to process what he was seeing. Two photo albums sat before him; one with a photo of him, Eddie, and Christopher on the front and the other with him, the 118, and the rest of their family on it. Next to the album sat a thick recipe book, more drawings that he recognized as Christopher’s work, and an invitation to the dim sum restaurant he used to frequent with…Eddie.
An invitation for that night.
Specifically in two hours.
For the first time since he’d left, Buck didn’t know what he should do.
***
Buck stood outside of the restaurant, trying to work up the courage to walk in. He could see Eddie sitting at their usual booth, shifting nervously as he glanced repeatedly between the door and his phone, unaware that Buck was standing just out of his line of sight on the verge of a freakout.
Taking a steadying breath, Buck finally moved towards the entrance. Eddie stilled when his gaze landed on Buck, but he didn’t react beyond that as he watched Buck approach the table.
“H-hey,” Eddie cleared his throat as he straightened up in the booth.
“Hey.” Buck slid into the other side.
“Hope it’s okay, but I already ordered our usuals.”
“Of course.”
They sat in silence for a moment, tension thick as a waitress dropped off the first round of dim sum. Buck went through the familiar motions of moving his portion to his own plate while Eddie did the same. He managed a few bites before Eddie sighed heavily and spoke up.
“I’m sorry.” Buck froze mid-bite, gaze snapping to Eddie. “For everything. I called you once and left a voicemail, not sure if you’ve listened to it yet, but in it I mentioned that there was a lot to tell you and apologize for.”
“I, uh, I haven’t looked at anything yet…” He finished chewing before continuing. “My phone was on do not disturb and I basically crashed as soon as I got back to the loft. Haven’t worked a full shift in a while, forgot how tiring it can be.” He pushed his rice noodle wrapped shrimp through its sauce.
“Right…well, then I will just say it all again.” Eddie set his fork down, nudging Buck with his foot to get him to look up. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for not having your back, for what I said that day at the grocery store,” Buck couldn’t help but flinch at the reminder, “I’m sorry for how I treated you when you came back and before you left.”
“It’s okay,” Buck was getting really tired of saying that phrase. He wasn’t even sure if it held any meaning anymore.
“It isn’t,” Eddie shook his head, leaning forward. “It’s not okay, Buck. You needed me and I abandoned you.”
Eddie leaned back as more plates were dropped off.
“I abandoned you, too.” Buck shoved another bite of food into his mouth.
“You didn’t abandon me.”
“Eddie, c’mon, you needed me and I chose to go file a lawsuit.”
“Because you already felt alone. If you hadn’t, you would have come to me for help.”
“No,” Buck shook his head, “You were already dealing with so much…I didn’t want to be a burden to you.”
“And that’s another area where I messed up,” The words came out with a heavy sigh, “If I had actually been a good friend to you, you never would have felt like you were a burden to me.”
“That’s not necessarily true since I tend to hide when I’m struggling with something.”
“Which is something I know quite well about you, yet I still failed to show you that you could rely on me the same way I was already relying on you.”
“Eddie-”
“-I know you’re planning to leave.” Buck froze, going cold. “We all know, but even before we knew about that we’d planned on trying to earn your forgiveness.”
“H-how…? W-why are you telling me this? How do you know?”
“I’m telling you so that you have all of the facts. I’m telling you because I promised myself I’d be honest with you if you showed up here tonight.” Eddie took a deep breath, looking as if he were steeling himself. “I’m telling you because I love you way too much to let you go without a fight.”
“W-what?”
“I didn’t realize it until recently, but yeah…I’m in love with you. Deeply, maddeningly, in love with you. I’ve experienced a whole rollercoaster of emotions while you’ve been gone, all of them needed since I was repressing way more than I realized, but the important part is that I love you and I know you’re in love with me as well and I also know you’re leaving. I know I’m not worthy of your love and forgiveness, but I’d like to have the opportunity to try to be.”
“You…” Buck’s brain had gone offline in the midst of his silent panic. “You don’t get to decide that.” Eddie’s face twisted in confusion. “What you are or are not worthy of from me. You don’t get to decide that.”
“Okay…” Eddie looked concerned now, but he didn’t push.
Which was good because Buck was reeling.
“I was going to leave without telling anyone.” Eddie’s grip on his fork tightened. “I was going to let the distance continue to grow, but then everyone started apologizing and talking about earning my forgiveness…so I thought I’d go along with it so that no one suspected anything. You still seemed like you were avoiding me, so I thought I was in the clear…and now this.”
Buck shook his head.
“Leaving you and Christopher was always going to be the hard part.”
“Then don’t leave.”
“What reason do I have to stay? You say that you love me, that you want to earn my forgiveness, but how can I trust you? How can I trust that none of you will walk away when things get tough again?”
“You don’t, but you also won’t know if we’ve truly changed if you don’t give us the chance to try.”
Buck didn’t have anything to say to that, not yet anyway, so they went back to eating. Eddie talked about Christopher mainly, updating Buck on how he was doing and what new drama was happening. He nodded along in all of the right places, but his mind was a million miles away trying to decide how to proceed.
His entire world view had just been shattered by Eddie Diaz, who was gracious enough to let him piece it all back together as he pleased in peace.
Unfortunately - or maybe fortunately - for Buck, there was really only one outcome now that Eddie and Chris were involved.
***
Dear Evan,
I know I haven’t written in a while - blame May, she came clean about showing the team my letters - but I’m getting married tomorrow!
It was a tough road to get here with Eddie and I both almost dying a few times, but we got there!
Things were rough there for a minute with the family, but we eventually got through it. There may or may not have been a lot of yelling and therapy involved at one point, but I digress.
As you can probably guess, I stayed on with the 118. I learned to trust them all again, slowly. Even Maddie!
I did end up going to the barbecue Bobby invited me to during my first shift back, but it took a lot of convincing from Eddie and May. And by convincing, I mean that they emotionally blackmailed me using Christopher and then also threatened me with Athena.
Going was genuinely the safest option.
Breakfast with Chimney became a regular thing, Maddie and Hen join us occasionally but we typically claim brother-in-law bonding time so it’s rare. Karen and Hen have me over for wine nights regularly and sometimes we invite Eddie and Christopher to make it a double date and playdate situation. Bobby also implemented family night at the Grant-Nash residence and made it mandatory for me to attend, so I go to that once a week.
It’s literally Bobby, Athena, May, Harry, Michael and David - when they’re in town - Maddie, myself, and sometimes Eddie and Christopher. We play games, watch movies, make a whole thing about cooking together, or just go out and do something.
It’s nice, makes it feel like they’re my parents.
Maddie and I have monthly or every other month - depends on our schedules - weekend trips dedicated for sibling bonding time now. We choose to either stay in town or go out of town, but it’s the entire weekend dedicated to it or it doesn’t count. Occasionally Christopher and our niece, Jee-Yun, get to tag along…but no partners.
When I told Eddie that I would be staying, it’s like he took that as permission to smother me with dates, like I had to tell him to chill the hell out at once point because I realized we were going on a date or a family day with just the three of us almost daily. I went to schedule some stuff and my calender was nothing but time with the Diaz’s…hence why they - specifically Eddie - aren’t always invited to things.
I still need to feel like a person outside of them, you know? I love them, but we do occasionally need space from each other.
Anyway, Eddie proposed the first time maybe six months in? I panicked and said no even though I really wanted to say yes, but I didn’t know if I was saying yes because I wanted it or if I was saying yes because it meant that it would be that much harder for them to leave me if we were legally bound together…so I said no and went back to Dr. Copeland for more therapy.
I said yes the next time he asked though, I’m not actually insane enough to turn him down a second time.
Anyway, I figured I should document the good life update as a reminder that sometimes staying pays off. We chose to stop running, then learned to let people in, and now we have a family.
Bobby and Athena replaced mom and dad - cause they’re shit, I’m not including that bit of news in here. That’ll be a separate letter. - and Maddie and I fixed things. She now understands that she’s my sister and not my parent. Chimney and Hen are bonus older siblings, which makes Karen my sister-in-law and Denny my nephew (plus any future kids they decide to adopt). May and Harry are bonus younger siblings, and they take their roles very seriously. Ravi, sort of new guy on the team (he comes and goes, so he isn't really new), is kind of like that weird cousin that you're just oddly fond of.
Eddie is about to be our husband, and Christopher is about to be - legally - our son.
We never would have gotten this if we’d run again.
We made it, Evan. We finally made it.
Love,
Buck.