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“I never expected this from you.”
The words rippled through Shane Hollander. He’d stood in his best friend’s home and told him the deepest personal secret that he had. He’d gathered all his courage to explain who he was to a friend that had promised he’d be there for him- to a friend that he’d stood beside on his wedding day, that he was the godfather of his children. And Hayden Pike had tossed him out of his home with little ceremony. Just ‘I never expected this of you’. He could deal with anger- but this disappointment- like Shane had a fucking choice that he was gay was too much for him tonight.
He looked at his phone. God, he wanted to call Ilya- he needed to call Ilya- but Boston was currently on a roadie somewhere on the west coast. His game likely had just started and he had an early flight out in the morning for Tampa. Fuck- this roadie was going to be terrible. Between it being nearly two months since he’d seen Ilya and Hayden’s reaction- he was not doing well. He needed to ask the managers to trade someone else into his room- he couldn’t deal with Hayden sniping at him for an entire away series. He knew it would raise questions, but he’d rather deal with that than Hayden’s bull shit.
He let himself into his Montreal home. He needed to do something- anything- to distract himself. He thought about calling his parents, thought about reaching out to J.J.- to try to find someone on his team that would support him. Now that he had been so soundly shoved away by a friend- he felt that it couldn’t hurt anymore than this. He’d never expected for all of Montreal to accept him, he’d been sure that Hayden would. He hadn’t even been able to tell Jackie he had thrown him out so quickly.
His phone rang and he stared at it. Jackie Pike. Fuck. What did he even say to her? He didn’t want for her to be mad at Hayden- even with how shitty Hayden had just been- Jackie was so important to him. And he wouldn’t, he couldn’t be selfish and tell her what had happened tonight.
“Hey, Jack- sorry I had to run out like that. A stomach bug has been going around–”
“Shane Hollander- don’t you dare lie to me. Hayden won’t tell me what happened, what the fuck did you do?”
“Jack…I…look- I’ve lied to you both for years. I didn’t know how to tell you at first and then I realized how much I could lose and now I’ll lose more if I don’t…I…I’m gay, Jackie.”
“Why are you not here?”
“You’ll have to talk to Hayden about that. I…I hope I’ll talk to you again soon.”
He hung up. He tapped out a message to Ilya to please call him after his game. He didn’t care how late it was- he needed to fucking hear from him. He would feel better if he just heard Ilya’s voice and could tell him what happened- could tell him how absolutely alone he felt in one of the few places, and with one of the few people, where he’d ever felt like he belonged.
“Man- I never expected this from you- but fucking hell. Hollander? Shane Hollander? Holy shit man. He’s lucky to have you.”
Cliff Marleau smiled over at him as they settled back into their hotel room for the night. Most of the team was headed to a club- he’d intended to until he saw Shane’s text. He knew he was telling Hayden and Jackie tonight. He hoped that Shane wanted to talk to him because he was excited that they both had people to share their joy with now. He doubted it because Shane didn’t say anything about how it went.
“So- I need to call Jane. Is late in Montreal but…”
“I’ll go see if I can find some takeout we both enjoy. And tell Hollzy- I said hi.”
He smiled to himself as Cliff grabbed his wallet, hotel keys, and a hoodie and then left their room. He was glad to have Cliff and Sveta. He was glad to have friends that he could just be himself with. He hoped, against all hope, that he was wrong about why Shane wanted him to call. No matter how late. No matter that it would wake him up. No matter that Shane had an early ass flight down to Florida in the morning.
He called and waited. Part of him hoped that Shane would sleep through it- he knew he needed the rest. He knew that he’d been sleeping like shit since they’d agreed they could tell a few friends. And then decided when they would do it. Shane answered on the first ring.
“Ilya–”
“Oh malysh- did not go well?”
“Mm mm.”
“Fuck, Shane. I’m sorry- did Jackie at least…”
“He threw me out before I could tell Jackie. Said he never expected this from me. Jackie called later- I told her but…that’s her husband, Ilya. I can’t ask that our friendship…there’s no one. Ilya I have no one here anymore- I guess maybe JJ if I tell him, but…Hayden is, was, is my best friend and if he can't…”
“Maybe needs time, Shane.”
“He said he couldn’t trust me anymore. That I…that he thinks…said I was a danger to his family and then tossed me out.”
Ilya sat there- glaring at his phone. He doubted that Hayden could throw Shane out if Shane was fighting against it. Shane was strong- he’d jokingly wrestled him enough times to know that Shane just needed to decide he didn’t want to do something. Then he wasn’t doing it. Any time Shane tensed in that way- he stopped and asked what was wrong or if he didn’t like what they were doing. Normally, it was something off. The sheets. Some smell. Something that just made that spot not where Shane wanted to be at that moment. Which meant that Shane had been so shocked at the reaction that Hayden had just man-handled him out of his house.
“I’d never do anything to…I love those kids, Ilya. And him saying that I would put them in danger…”
“Did you get to us…”
“No. He doesn’t know who- he just…Ilya…I think I need to leave Montreal. Find another team.”
“Ottawa plan?”
“I…I don’t know. I need to talk with Farah and my mom and my contract doesn’t exactly allow for me to leave without reason.”
“How long left?”
“Four years.”
“Okay. Talk Farah and Yuna. Only after you sleep. You need fucking rest, Shane. It’s long season- sleep for me. Get rest for me, Shane. If you cannot do for you- do for me- for us. Please, malysh.”
“Trying. Going to take melatonin on the plane- hopefully that’ll knock me out for a few hours. I love you.”
“I love you too. We will figure this out. We will figure something out so you have team that loves all of you- it’s possible.”
“It went well with Marleau?”
“Not about me right now. About you. Sleep Shane- we talk tomorrow.”
Jackie Pike pulled up their nanny cam. Hayden had avoided explaining what had happened- even when she asked about Shane telling him he was gay. Even when she pressed that Shane had told her as well and she didn’t get why he was not at their house enjoying an evening with them. She’d suspected Shane might be gay since she’d set him up with her yoga instructor and he’d only ever talked about how good she was at her job. Never talked about her personality, her looks, anything about who she really was. And Tonya was a fucking smoke show. Then there was Rose Landry. And she’d heard he went back to Lily- Boston Lily- someone they had never met and that she only knew a little bit about. If there was anything that was a cover- it was Lily and she’d known that for months.
She sat in her office- door closed and scrolled back to when Shane should have arrived. Like clockwork- he was on time, perhaps looking a little more awkward than normal, but just Shane. She turned on the audio and waited. She didn’t have to wait long.
“Hayd- there’s something I need to tell you- about me.”
God, Shane looked nervous, and scared, and like he wanted to throw up all at once. One look at Hayden said that he didn’t realize that, even with Shane’s serious tone. Fuck.
“Yeah, shoot. You finally marrying Lily?”
“Not exactly. Hayden- I’m gay and Lily…well Lily is the guy I’ve been with off and on for years. We got serious over the summer.”
She watched the emotions on Hayden’s face. Confusion. Surprise. Shock. And then disgust. His face settled on disgust. She scrolled back through the video and looked at Shane’s face. God, he looked so hurt. He looked like his entire world was crumbling around him- like he regretted the idea of ever telling them.
“What the fuck man? How long?”
“Lily goes back to before rookie season. I didn’t figure out I was gay until…well until things didn’t work with Rose.”
“No. No. Absolutely the fuck not, Shane. You’re the godfather of my children- I trusted you and you…you’re gay. Get the fuck out of here.”
“Hayd- I’m still me.”
“I never expected this from you.”
And then she watched Hayden drag and throw Shane Hollander out of their house. She wanted to scream, wanted to wake up her husband and pummel him. Instead, she switched to their doorbell camera and watched as Shane stood on their doorstep. She didn’t think he knew- but he stood there for ten minutes- crying. Not broken sobs- just the tears of someone who has been through too much and the only thing left is tears. Fuck. She knew why Hayden didn’t tell her what happened. Either he was mad with himself or he knew that she would be mad at him and he wanted to avoid either confrontation. Both options were unacceptable with what he’d done to Shane, with how he’d reacted to Shane trusting him.
The door opened and she looked up to see her husband standing there. She wiped her eyes and shook her head. She didn’t want to hear anything from him right now. Not after everything Shane had done for them and their family. Babysitting. Making sure that Hayden had time off after the babies were born. Showing up a time or two when the entire went down with a bug to take care of them. Being a real fucking friend and her husband had said all of that to him.
“Jack–”
“Unless you’re saying you’re going to apologize- I can’t hear it right now. This…what you did…this is why he never told anyone before now and now…God, Hayden. What were thinking?”
“You’re okay with this?”
“And you’re not? You know Shane. You’ve practically grown up together- he’s never made a move on any of you. Hell- it sounds like he was even denying who he was to himself until Rose. Hayden- he’s the same man he has always been. And he trusts…trusted you and this is what you did?’
“You don’t know what it’s like in the locker rooms. What he’s seen, what he got to look at for free. He violated all of our trust.”
“Oh for fuck’s sake- Lily has been around since before rookie year. You really think that gay men just look at every man that comes their way? That they can’t separate things? A straight man goes to a strip club- you’re not looking at every woman there- you’re looking at the ones that are your type. A gay man is around naked men- he knows when he can and should come on to someone. Shane has never come on to any of you because he probably 1) is not attracted to you and 2) realizes that his WORKPLACE is the wrong fucking place.”
“I…I never thought about…”
“You can just stop at you didn’t fucking think. Fix this, Hayden. Our children are not losing one of the best people in their lives because you are a fucking idiot. Fix this.”
She stormed out of her office. She needed to walk this off or she was going to say something she really regretted. And as she settled on their back porch- she also had a realization- one she’d tried to push away. Hayden might not be able to fix this, what he’d done, what he’d said…she would understand if Shane never trusted him again. She would understand if Shane never wanted to be around him outside of hockey ever again. And she hated the idea of having to explain to her babies that the reason why Uncle Shane didn’t come over anymore was because Daddy was a fucking asshole.