Chapter Text
Venus was a guy.
Since the very moment he opened his eyes, he knew that was his truth. Even if he had female parts and was called “she,” he knew it wasn’t who he truly was. He knew there was something more to it.
And there was.
And it wasn’t that big of a deal.
Sun was a little confused, but at that point the whole solar system was aware of how Saturn bended the laws of gender, so it wasn’t something new. It took a bit of explaining and lots of embarrassing tears (that, in retrospect, he really did not need to shed), until the truth finally settled in his mind and he knew who he was supposed to be.
A guy—not a girl. A he/him, masculine, flat-chested guy.
And so he went through the process of transitioning, chopping off all his hair (and other things) and stealing Proto’s clothes until Saturn made him more masculine robes. He got past the dysphoria pretty quickly and turned from a confused little girl into a big, euphoric man.
That’s how it had been for billions of years.
Stars, it was so long that he almost forgot it used to be different. He forgot about the gender dysphoria (at least not when Earth was all up in his face about him being named after a goddess), and he felt comfortable in his own body.
Well, sort of…
But that’s a different problem to tackle for a different day. Today’s problem is gender, because—
“What the fuck?!”
“Woah…” Earth very unhelpfully murmured, staring at Venus with wide eyes. The planet with Life—who’s idea it was to come down here, which Venus didn’t even want to do in the first place!—looked the fiery planet up and down, eyes filled with confusion.
Because Venus…he…
He was a girl.
“What the fuck,” Venus swore again, with that stupid stupid high pitched voice that sounded like honey. No! No! Gah! Where’s his raspy growl?! Great, just great! Millions of years of voice training gone in an instant!
He ran a hand through his hair—which was long and flowy and touched his back in all the wrong ways. It made his head feel heavy, dragging him down like chains wrapping around his wrists and pulling him into the deepest reaches of hell. His hair stuck to his sweaty neck, tickling his face and swaying from side to side with every stumbling step he took.
Venus couldn’t help but feel a wave of disgust crash over him, his skin prickling with horror.
“Venus what…?” Earth trailed off, glancing to Luna, who was hovering next to his planet with the same confused but awed expression Earth wore. Venus just glared at the moon and crossed his arms over his chest. Oh god—
Venus gagged, shuddering with a horrified sound as he stared at his chest. His skin crawled, and something in his gut twisted, the same old self-hatred rising up his throat and stealing away his breath.
For 4.5 billion years, all that lied across his chest were the pink-ish scars stretching across his surface, leftover from the surgery he gave himself (which didn’t go very well but Saturn’s healing powers worked well enough to fix the damage).
But now?
Now…now all that had been reversed and he had boobs.
Ew. Ew, ew, ew.
And to make matters worse, his thin clothes enunciated the dips and curves of his torso, including wide hips and the chubby fat that completely destroyed any evidence of his entire workout routine. The skin on his arms jiggled with every movement, flappy and weak and he hated this so much. He felt…heavy, too big, too bloated to be perceived.
“Yo dudes what’s all the commotion?” Mars’ voice trickled through his ears, two pairs of footsteps coming from the kitchen that got closer and closer and oh stars they were all going to see him.
In the shock of getting de-transitioned by Earth’s surface, he had completely forgotten that it wasn’t just him, Earth, and Luna down here.
All the Rockies were.
Venus was just the last to join because he knew this would be a bad idea and just look where it got him! He was right! But Earth didn’t listen because Earth had a perfect day planned out for everyone and Venus was just the stubborn puzzle piece that didn’t fit.
Well, universe, does he fit now? Does turning him into a girl make you happy? Did you find this funny? Is this a big joke—is his misery something to laugh at?
Before Venus could continue down the path of self loathing and damning the universe for doing this to him, the two pairs of approaching footsteps suddenly stopped, and Venus didn’t have to look up to feel their eyes on him.
Someone gasped loudly.
He balled his hands into fists, snapping his gaze away from the floor and up to glare at the two planets standing in the doorway. “Take a picture,” he snarled, “it’ll last longer.”
Mercury’s jaw dropped, his expression twisted in utter shock and disbelief that just made the swirling thoughts in Venus’ mind grow stronger. Next to him, Mars looked much the same, except his gaze held a knowing tension to it.
Mars was the only one who remembered that far back…
A rough, frustrated sound ripped from her—his! His throat! He! Venus was a guy no matter what the universe did to him! Anger boiled beneath his skin, bubbling up to the surface and itching to be released.
And so he whipped around and stalked up to Earth. “You—“ Venus snarled, jabbing a finger into Earth’s chest— “are going to fix this now.”
“I…” Earth shook his head, face pinched with regret and pity. He doesn’t need anyone’s pity. “Look, Venus, I’m sorry but I can’t do that.”
Venus’ eye twitched.
“You’re the Earth,” he stated, trying to keep his voice even despite the raging dysphoria clouding his thoughts. “You can fix this through magic voodo shit or whatever.”
Earth cringed, letting out a long sigh, “Venus that’s not how it works—“
“Then make it work!”
Earth took a step back, his eyes darting over to where Mars and Mercury stood with the obvious plea for “help me out here!” Venus just scowled, his nails digging into his palms—but even that couldn’t distract him from the twisting pain in his chest. It grew stronger, louder, clouding his thoughts more and more with every second he spent in this body.
“Venus…” he heard Mars approach him from behind, the red planet’s voice softening in a way that made him sick. A hand landed on his shoulder, the skin beneath it tingling. Buzzing filled Venus’ ears, practically drowning out Mars’ voice murmuring next to him, “Hey, how about we take a breather before we do anything we regret, okay?”
“Don’t tell me what to do,” Venus muttered, swatting away Mars’ hand. Who cares if he does something he regrets! His whole life had been one big fuck up after the next, what’s one more regret gonna do?
He heard a huff from behind him, and felt a pang of satisfaction flash through his mind as Mars backed off. That’s right! No one can tame the fiery planet. So back off, leave him alone, and everyone will be happier.
“…Venus?”
For fuck’s sake. Apparently not getting the message, Mercury crept forward, those big, wide, silvery-grey eyes boring into Venus’ skull.
The bigger planet lifted his gaze to send fiery daggers Mercury’s way—a clear sign to leave him alone—but all the pipsqueak did was meet his gaze with a soft smile. “Hey,” he murmured, eyes crinkling at the edges, “Are you okay, Venus?”
Venus almost threw up in his mouth.
Mercury’s smile flickered as Venus scoffed, waving off the helping hand with a scowl. He doesn’t need help or concern or worry from anyone—let alone Mercury of all people! He’d rather witness Theia and Proto collide again than sit through Mercury trying to therapy-speak his way into Venus’ heart.
“Fuck off Mercury,” Venus growled, rubbing his eyes to get rid of the ache burning behind them. He ignored the hurt sound that came from the smallest planet, as well as the annoyed mutter that came from Mars, because he doesn’t care what they think about him.
As long as they saw him as a guy—which he was—he didn’t care.
A sharp huff caught his attention on Earth, who pinched the bridge of his nose with an exasperated sigh, “Okay, Venus, that was rude—“
“And?” Venus raised an eyebrow, “I don’t see a problem with that. Mercury shouldn’t be sticking his nose in other people’s business."
“No Venus that’s not—“ Earth paused, lowering his voice and taking a deep breath to calm himself down. Hah! Get ragebaited loser! “Look, we’re just trying to help—“
“Help?” Venus barked out a sharp laugh, “Hah! Earth the only way you can help is to reverse this—“ he gestured to his entire body— “or bring me back to space.”
“I already told you, Venus, I can’t do that!” Earth shouted, gesturing around wildly with frustrated huffs. Luna stepped out of the way to avoid being hit in the face and skittered over to Mars’ side, watching the two planets shout with wide eyes. Venus didn’t even care if he won the argument, he just needed someone to scream at.
And that someone just so happened to be Earth.
“You wanted this to happen, didn’t you?” Venus growled, his lips curling up in a snarl as he leaned forward until Earth’s blue-green eyes were the only thing filling his reddening vision. He grabbed Earth’s shoulders, digging his nails into the planet, “What, did you do it for revenge? To get back at me?”
“Get off of me!” Earth snapped, shoving Venus out of his face—the sudden movement just reinstating everything wrong with his body. A wave of dysphoria met the jagged rocks of rage festering beneath the waters, bringing an overwhelming amount of fury that blinded the planet.
“You did this to me!” Venus screeched, the poorly concealed anger bursting through the cracks. His entire frame trembled, shoulders shaking as he stood there, digging his nails into his arms to ignore the burning behind his eyes.
Why? Why, why, why?
Everything has been going so good, he’d been getting less miserable and of course this has to happen! He can’t ever be happy, huh? Because of everything he did, right? He’s not allowed to? He’s just forced to live in a state of constant misery?
“I…I—“ His breaths ripped through his throat, hitching on his voice and making it pitch even higher. “Fuck!”
His hair brushed against his face and neck and back and it was everywhere. His ragged breaths caught in his throat, the heavy hair wrapping around his neck and suffocating him. Fire raged through his mind and blazed across his skin, turning a little spark into a raging inferno.
He wanted to rip it off—his skin, his hair, his entire stars-forsaken body that wasn’t his! This isn’t who he is. It’s some stranger, or maybe a form meant to torture him.
Well it was working.
“—nus. Venus, breathe!” Hands gripped his shoulders, brushing past the hair falling into his face and touching the crystal clear, smooth, rounded shoulders hunched over. Not boxy. Not the big, wide frame he got so used to in space.
He doesn’t get the luxury of being a guy anymore.
Venus choked on another breath, the sudden urge to hide rising above any others panicked thoughts. Oh stars he can’t be seen like this. His thoughts raced dizzyingly fast, ringing in his ears and drowning out the sounds of worried voices overhead.
“Venus—“
“Get out of my way!” He gasped, far more pathetic than he meant to. Blinded by the rage turning to panic, he shoved his way past the human wall, stumbling into the actual wall with a grunt. He could feel eyes boring into the back of his skull and he hated it.
He hated this. He hated everything about this. Stupid Sun having another stupid mental breakdown and making stupid Jupiter send them down to Earth’s stupid surface—this is their fault!
Footsteps followed behind him, easily catching up the planet who’d stopped to glare at the Sun’s form through the window, “Venus wait!”
“G-go away!” Venus shouted, his voice catching in his throat and cracking horribly. He cringed and resisted the urge to strangle himself, pushing off the wall to stagger towards the bathroom.
He stumbled through the doorway and slammed the door, locking it tightly and ignoring the frantic knocking that came right after. Mercury or Mars or whoever that was could fuck off.
Venus stood there, breathing heavily and staring at the door for far longer than was normal. His shoulders shook, shuddering with every heaving breath that pitched higher and higher. Dysphoria grabbed him by the throat and didn’t let go, even as he fought to regain his breaths.
He sucked in a shaky gasp, and then let it out slowly, feeling silly and dumb for getting so upset. He’s normally not like this. Nothing can get through to him—especially not in front of someone else. Or multiple someone’s.
That’s gonna be fun to salvage later.
Venus grit his teeth, growling harshly under his breath. Why…no, how did he let himself unravel so much?! This stupid human female body made everything ten times more difficult to deal with.
He balled his hands into fists again and roughly wiped his eyes, pressing his knuckles harshly against them until colors filled his vision and his eyes ached in a different way. He wiped his cheeks, rubbing away the hot tears and ignoring the tear tracks trailing down his face.
Stars above he’s a hot mess.
Pointedly keeping his eyes on the tiled floor and not the mirror on the wall, Venus shuffled over to the sink and splashed water on his face. It was a fleeting comfort (especially with the sounds of the Rockies arguing outside the door), but hey, it was better than nothing! Venus dipped his head, splashing more water against his flushed cheeks until the heat of them disappeared.
And then he just sank to the floor.
Tired, exhausted, frustrated, and just so done, Venus leaned against the bathtub and breathed through the blurriness to his vision. He propped his elbows on his knees and buried his face in his hands, shivering when his large, voluminous hair fell over his face and covered him like a curtain.
He tried to ignore the heavy weights on his chest, but they stayed in the forefront of his mind, demanding all his attention and tormenting him with their existence. He closed his eyes, but that did nothing other than make him more aware of how miserable his body felt.
Hmm. Yay.
Misery settled over him like a thick blanket, dragging the fiery planet’s mind down, down, down to those dark corners he swore he would never return to. He tried staying afloat and he tried swimming through the dark waters, but invisible tendrils grabbed at his legs and yanked him underwater. Away from the surface, away from the light, he was dragged, until he couldn’t hold his breath any longer and drowned in the ocean of sorrow.
Venus hates this.
He hates himself.
And he hates how he just can’t be normal.
A wet, pathetic-sounding whine slipped past before he could stifle it, just dimming the fiery planet even more than he already was. His chest ached with the longing to return to his celestial form, but even then he knew it might be a bit before they could return.
Hm. Funny. In Jupiter’s attempt to shield the Rockies from danger and anxiety, it only introduced a new one.
So funny…
Venus sniffled, stubbornly biting his lip to keep the tears from spilling over again. From the lack of frantic knocking and shouts coming from the other side of the door, it sounded like the Rockies had given up on him and went back to their lives.
Good.
He wants to give up on himself too.
But he would probably be yelled at a lot if he used that to respawn back in space, and even if Venus liked to argue, that’s one fight he would rather not have.
Which left him with only one other option.
Suffer.
At least until the thing with Sun blows over and they’re allowed to return home, that is going to be his life: one giant loop of cycling pain and misery.
He could only hope that maybe, just maybe it would get easier.
But hope is a fleeting thing.
And so that, too, disappeared into the yawning chasm in his chest.
Because Venus can’t have nice things.
And he never should’ve hoped he could be happy.