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“Dr. Grace!” Stratt’s voice rings out loudly. It’s rare that she’s ever this animated without being angry, so he turns around cautiously. But she doesn’t look mad. There’s a spring to her step that she usually only has when she’s accomplished something impossible.
“Yeah?” Her energy is infectious though and he falls easily into step with her without any complaint. He matches her stride and feels something like giddiness bubble up inside of him. Just being near her elicits these types of feelings in him—it scares him if he thinks about it too long.
“Let’s go to my office.” Her ponytail swings excessively as she walks with a purpose and it makes Grace smile. It’s such a feminine and familiar action that it warms his heart a little and reminds him that at the end of the day, she’s just a woman and a human like the rest of them. A super-human, but still human.
When they’re settled in her office in their usual seats, she lets out an honest-to-God grin. He’s never been more shocked in his life.
“We’ve just been cleared to keep using the Gansu as the Taskforce’s headquarters after the Hail Mary’s launch.”
He smiles back at her, excited about her excitement. He hadn’t really thought about what would happen to the Gansu after they moved their operations, but that’s why someone like Eva is in charge and not someone like Grace.
“That’s great! I didn’t know it was going to be a problem.”
“Oh, yes,” she nods and begins to look through her desk drawers. “We were supposed to relinquish the aircraft as soon as we reached Baikonur.”
“But you’re not going to keep working with astrophage anymore, so why do you need an aircraft carrier all the way out in the ocean?” He watches as she takes a bottle of gin from her desk drawer and places it on the table.
“Who says we’re not going to be working with astrophage? It’s probably our solution to most of the problems we’ll have when the ground freezes over.” She raises a skeptical eyebrow at him and reaches behind her to grab two glasses from her bar cart. “Don’t tell me you’re not excited to finally start testing those ideas you’ve kept hidden in your computer, Dr. Grace. I imagine I will have a hard time convincing you to leave your lab.”
She pours the gin and offers him a glass. Taking a deep breath and still smiling, she raises her glass in salute. “To the Hail Mary, and whatever our next project will be.”
He’s never seen her this animated.
He wonders what about retaining the Gansu makes her so happy, but he guesses that the future location of the Taskforce being secured after the Hail Mary is launched is a huge load off her shoulders. He feels his stomach drop to his feet and it takes him a second to realize why.
Stratt is waiting with her glass held out, smile still in place. He hasn’t picked his glass up yet.
“Stratt, what—of course, I’d like to do the experiments but I’m going back to San Francisco. You booked my tickets already.”
It’s like looking at a train wreck. He can’t help but look at it as it unfolds right in front of him. Her whole face falls into her usual stern countenance, but it happens slowly and he sees the exact moment she remembers their conversation regarding his flights.
It starts with her eyebrows—they slowly settle back down and make her hooded eyes even darker. He can see her eyes better as her smile disappears and her cheeks stop making her eyes crinkle adorably.
And her smile, it doesn’t even turn flat. Her lips just turn the other direction until she’s frowning at him with the corners of her lips turned down. Those lines continue past her lips to her jaw, making her look even more severe.
Grace can do nothing but stare and wait for her response. Her glass comes down to her desk silently. He sees surprise, disappointment, sadness and finally anger settle into her face until she wipes it all gone and she stares at him like she stares at everyone else. His heart beats painfully fast.
“Of course, my mistake. Your flights are already booked.”
“It’s just that—my students, well, they’re older now but there’s more to teach. I’m a teacher, you know! You…you booked the tickets yourself, I mean, what did you…think I was…”
His voice gets smaller and smaller until he decides to just shut up. As soon as he started speaking, she picked up her glass and downed the contents, reached over to pluck his from his reach and threw that back, too.
“I thought you were going to visit for a couple of months, like the rest of the department heads.” She pours another finger. Shakes her head as she puts the bottle down. “Our conversation about you returning to teach was two years ago, I thought you changed your mind.”
He slowly shakes his head. It surprises him that she’s being so honest with him and he’s stumped on what to say after that. Sure, he hadn’t brought it up anymore but the Project had quickly picked up after they found their astronauts and there was little to no talk about their lives before or after the Project.
“I didn’t. I mean, I haven’t.” He shakes his head. “Changed my mind, that is.”
“Right.” Her voice is clipped. “Like I said, my mistake.” Another glass. She puts the bottle away, runs a hand through her ponytail and finally looks at him. Her eyes slide away almost as soon as they make eye-contact and she turns to open her laptop.
“Well, that is all Dr. Grace. Thank you for sharing in the good news with me. You are dismissed.”
Grace’s legs won’t work. His mouth won’t open. He wants to say something, but her frown is very deep and he has the strangest idea: that she’s embarrassed and is trying to hide it. He thinks of her smile and the way he noticed for the first time in four years that one of her bottom teeth is chipped and stained.
Stratt probably doesn’t smile like that often because she doesn’t want to show her stained teeth. But she did smile at him without reservation. And it was directed to him, in her office, in private because she wanted to share her good news to her second in command—who should have been more excited, who should have picked up that glass and raised it in a toast.
He has nothing to say that isn’t a lie or a waste of time. It was a pleasure to work with you? It wasn’t a pleasure, it was hard and grunting work. I’m going to miss you? Of course he is, but she doesn’t want to hear that. She wants him to stay and lead the Taskforce with her.
How long has she been thinking that they would keep going together even after the Hail Mary? How much had she planned for, relied on him for, thinking he would be here?
“Stratt,” he exhales. That’s all he can get out. He tries again. “I-I’m sorry.”
She nods but does not look at him so he stands up slowly and makes his way to the door.
When he’s back in his lab, he feels numb all over. Too cold. He looks around at all the equipment and the experiments that are still in progress. He’s never going to work in a lab this well-equipped because he’s never going to have a boss who cares as much as Stratt does for her employees.
He sighs and turns on his computer to finish the reports for the day. His eyes catch on the folder at the very corner of his desktop—the folder she knows about, where he places all his ideas for future experiments.
He turns the computer off.
Grace told her he was leaving—he talks about missing his kids all the time, doesn’t he? She wants something from him that he can’t give her. Grace is a teacher. He’ll go back to teaching and Stratt will continue to…save the world.
Sighing again, he leaves the lab hoping that tomorrow will be better.
It’s not that Stratt is acting any differently than usual when they interact. He’s assigning emotions to actions she always does, when he knows full well that she’s not playing games when she taps his shoulder to gain his attention or touches his hand when he’s rambling. The fact that she hasn’t touched him since that day means nothing.
He’s just being paranoid. He is.
Except the silence that they share when they work together is no longer comfortable. And the smile that she gives him when he hands her two coffees is the same as always. But why are her eyes so dim?
He wants to see her teeth again. It sounds so unsettling but he does. He promises himself that he’s going to make her laugh at least once before the Hail Mary launches. He’ll trip and fall on the ground if he has to.
It’s not going very well.
Then, late one evening, she calls him into her office without the pretense of work for the first time since that night. He thinks he can clear the air between them after whatever paperwork she has for him to sign. Grace is going to ask if they can keep in touch after he leaves, that he wants to visit her during the summer and will meet her wherever she is.
Or he’ll actually have a phone when he’s inland so they can call each other. And it’s not like he wants to call her every night, that would be pathetic. But he does want to call her every night to make sure she’s sleeping more than 3 hours a night.
They’ll get there. Maybe he’ll start by calling once a week. He has her number in his old phone. It’ll be fine.
He stops for coffee before going to her office and he’s feeling good about this plan. But when he opens the door and steps inside, she’s not alone. There’s a man standing next to her desk and he’s leaning down to see what she’s pointing at on her laptop. He’s standing too close to where she’s sitting—their cheeks are almost touching!
They both look up when he enters without knocking.
“Dr. Grace,” she greets him like always. Doesn’t she? Who is this man?
“Stratt.” He goes to place her coffee on her desk like he always does when he notices that she’s already holding one in her hand. The man is holding an identical coffee cup.
“Oh, is that for me?” She’s smiling up at him. He nods dumbly.
“Seems like I beat you to it. Sorry, man.” The guy says genuinely. He’s standing way too close to her. Did he already say that? And he looks way too smug about getting Stratt her coffee. Grace does it every day, multiple times.
“Oh, no, I’ll take it, Dr. Grace.” She puts her coffee down and reaches for his. He smiles down at her and doesn’t break eye contact as she takes the cup from his hand. It isn’t until she brings the coffee to her lips and takes a sip that he finally breaks eye contact and sits in his normal chair across from her.
“So, what’s up?”
He probably should have introduced himself to the man, but Stratt already said his name so it feels kind of lame to do it again.
“Dr. Grace, I’d like you to meet Dr. Jonas. He is going to be your replacement after the Hail Mary launches.”
If he were standing, his knees would’ve given out. His replacement? Of course he’s being replaced. He’s leaving her without a second in command. But did she have to do it so soon? There’s still months before the launch—they’re going to continue to work together, right?
“Nice to meet you, Dr. Jonas.” Grace smiles at the man as best as he can. He’s not going to be petty and jealous, he’s way above that.
“Wait, Dr. Ryland Grace?”
Ah, Christmas Eve. So, he knows about him. Great.
“The one and only.” He shrugs and takes a sip of his coffee. The man straightens up from where he was leaning over to look at Stratt’s laptop and Grace breathes a little easier.
“Weren’t you blacklisted from the molecular biology field?”
“Actually,” he says and crosses his knees. He leans back into the seat like he’s done a million times. “It was the entire biology field.”
The man laughs. Grace wishes it sounded like the man was making fun of him, but he’s laughing like Grace told a good joke. Bastard. “Is that supposed to be better? Or more impressive?”
“Neither. Just the facts.” Grace looks at Stratt and sees her frowning at Dr. Jonas.
“Nobody knows where you went. Your paper is a joke around grad school.” He shakes his head sadly. “And they’re all saying that astrophage proved your theory wrong.”
“Maybe,” he shrugs again and raises his eyebrows at Stratt. The man sure is chatty. A little full of himself and he’s not making a good first impression on Grace because he’s still standing way too close to Stratt. “It didn’t prove it, but it also didn’t disprove it. Anyway, what’s the schedule like for the next month, Stratt?”
Dr. Jonas starts to speak but Stratt raises her hand to quiet him.
“Dr. Grace took the fallout of his paper being unfairly ridiculed quite well, I believe. He went into teaching, a notoriously difficult job in America, I’ve been told. And now he’s the leading world expert on astrophage, a microorganism that he named and made first contact with.”
She pauses here and takes a sip of her coffee. Grace’s entire face is turning red, he just knows it. He simultaneously loves it and hates it when she does things like this, when she protectively defends him to his colleagues. It embarrasses him that he enjoys it so much every time. Now that he feels even further away from her, the words are like a balm to the wound in his heart.
“You have big shoes to fill, Dr. Jonas. I hope you are able to learn as much as you can from Dr. Grace, as he will be your boss for the rest of the month.” Stratt continues.
Dr. Jonas’ ears have gone red, but he nods.
The rest of the meeting goes by quickly after that.
“Sorry, Dr. Grace, but she was called into an emergency meeting with the UN. She did say she would give you a call.”
“Thanks, Ana.” Grace tries to ignore the look of pity that Ana, one of the many rotating assistants that Stratt has, throws his way. He knows he looks pathetic. It’s the day after launch and the entire compound is going crazy. Some are celebrating, others are sleeping, but many are packing and leaving as soon as they can. That’s supposed to be Grace right now, but he hasn’t seen Stratt since yesterday’s launch.
There are interviews she had to be a part of, photoshoots to tolerate, statements to read out loud in several languages, the list was never-ending. Grace had been useless during all of it. She’s kept him away from most of the media responsibilities and he’s always wanted it to stay that way, but now he feels badly that he left all of that work for her to juggle alone.
And now he won’t get to say goodbye to her because she’s been pulled into another stupid meeting that he could have been a part of if he weren’t a coward and stayed on the Taskforce. He sighs and makes his way to his cabin. There’s nothing to do now except wait for a phone call.
Grace leaves on the plane.
She doesn’t call.
He goes to his old apartment.
She doesn’t call.
He applies for jobs, including his old one.
Stratt still doesn’t call.
Okay, so maybe he’s exaggerating. It hasn’t been 24 hours since he left the Gansu. She’s probably still signing paperwork and meeting with presidents and their people. He will be the one to call her later, when he knows she’ll be alone in her office. Grace knows because he checked her schedule one last time before relinquishing his tablet. It’s pathetic, but it’s not like that matters anymore, there’s nobody here to judge him. Not even Stratt.
Grace misses her already.
He lasts three months. Grace calls her and she answers on the first ring.
“Stratt.”
“Hey, it’s me.” He cringes. “Grace.”
“Hello, Dr. Grace.” There’s a smile in her voice, he can hear it. His shoulders relax as soon as he hears her voice. It’s been like this every time she’s answered the phone during these last three months. They don’t talk daily or even weekly, but Grace calls almost every day. He stopped being embarrassed by it around the third week.
“You busy?”
“I am always busy.” Her voice dips low like it always does when she’s joking and it makes him shift in his seat.
“How’s Dr. Jonas working for you?”
“Hmm.” He hears her smile grow wider. “Am I detecting jealousy in your tone?”
There’s a short silence while he thinks about it. This is the closest they’ve come to discussing his feelings over his replacement. If he’s being honest with himself, he’s disgusted at how he left things with not only Stratt, but with the Taskforce. He hasn’t even gotten a new job yet because he can’t stop hoping that Stratt will call him for something that only he can help her with.
It’s a ridiculous fantasy that he could make come true any day if only he were brave enough. So, he takes a deep breath and takes the plunge.
“Yeah, Eva.” He smiles a little like he does every time he says her name. “I’m pretty darn jealous.”
That makes her pause for several seconds.
“Oh?”
He sighs low and long. Can he admit this part? Well, he’s already been calling her everyday like a lovesick fool, he might as well feel foolish for doing the right thing.
“I shouldn’t have left, Eva,” he admits quietly. He’s embarrassed that he left her, but he’s ashamed of himself for having left the Taskforce. He wasn’t second in command of the Project, he was second in command of the entire Taskforce and he left his responsibilities behind.
It took him three months to admit that, while he misses teaching fiercely, he can’t go back to it knowing that his talents are needed elsewhere. He has responsibilities to the world as a scientist, and unfortunately for Grace’s cowardice, he’s always been a scientist first.
“No, you should not have.” She sighs. “Ryland.”
Her voice makes him shiver, but she doesn’t say anything else.
“Sooo…” Grace prompts.
“So?”
“Are you gonna make me beg?” God, how embarrassing. That’s the wrong way to say it.
He hears her breath catch suddenly.
No, it’s the perfect thing to say.
“And if I am?”
Christmas Eve. Is she flirting with him? Is he? He decides that he is.
“Well, I’m a little too far from you to get down on my knees.” He went right over flirting and straight to phone sex, it seems. His ears are burning red and his stomach feels like it’s writhing with nervous energy.
She hums over the line, then says, “I haven’t announced the change in deputy.”
This surprises him greatly. “How come?”
“I knew you would come back. I hired an incompetent scientist so I could have an excuse to fire him when you came to your senses.” She states matter-of-factly.
He can’t help but laugh. Is he flattered or not? Should he be offended that she knows him so well but let him go through with his mistake, anyway? He decides he doesn’t care one bit.
“Well, I’ve come to my senses. Now what?”
“Now, you pack up your apartment and leave the boxes inside. Someone will be there to pick them up later.”
“I can do that.”
“And then you can pack the things you need to live on the Gansu for the foreseeable future and meet me in London so you can get down on your knees for me.”
He loses his balance and falls from his chair. There’s a tinkering laugh somewhere near him, he knows it, but the sound stops before he can put his phone back to his ear.
“O-okay. I can do that, too. Please.” Grace clears his throat. He hopes it sounds manly.
“I will have someone pick you up from Heathrow.”
“Ah, you’re making me fly commercial?”
“Only my Deputy Director gets my plane. And last I heard, Dr. Jonas was my Deputy Director.”
“Yeah, well, not for long. Tell him to keep his hands to himself.”
She laughs incredulously. That was probably meant to be condescending but all he knows is that her laugh is delicious and that he wants to hear it as she presses her open mouth to his while he devours her.
“What ever did he do to you?”
“I’ve seen the pictures! His hand is always on your back, or your arm or somewhere. It’s not appropriate.”
“Well, you could have done something about it a long time ago.” She clicks her tongue, annoyed. “Or perhaps prevented it from happening at all.”
“Yeah, I know. I know.” He runs his hand through his hair. Knowing there will be a longer conversation coming, he keeps his mouth shut. The rest, he feels like he has to say straight to her face.
“I’ll see you tonight, Dr. Grace.” Her voice drops low again. It makes him shiver again.
“I’ll see you tonight, Eva.” Her name comes out of his mouth a little too breathlessly.
She’s laughing as she hangs up.