Chapter Text
It’s been six years since Bucky, Steve, and Sam got out into the real world. Bucky got out of Hydra and worked for SHIELD before it fell. But after that his fight was over and Steve wasn’t letting him leave again. So the fight was over for Steve too. Natasha had offered Sam a job as a spy which he once again turned down. He decided to follow his best friend wherever he and his ex-assassin friend would go. For Sam anywhere they went would have a place for him to help veterans (other than Bucky and Steve) heal.
Steve let Bucky choose since he had seen the most of the world, even if he was killing people during that time. They didn’t hold it against him, but Bucky held himself to that. He decided since he had never been to Philadelphia they should move there. The climate allows to have a long sleeve on for a good part of the year, and Bucky was drawn to cities, less intimate than a small town. The more people the easier it was to get lost in the sea of the crowd.
That’s how the ended up with a fixer upper somewhere off 95, they could run to the city if they really wanted to but most times Steve would take his bike or Sam would drive towards the suburbs to get something they needed.
Bucky’s favorite part is the cheese steaks.
He sometimes steals Steve’s bikes and goes and picks up a couple from Pat’s or goes on a Wawa run at two in the morning when he can’t sleep, which seems to be happening more and more. He also has a bad habit of making friends with the stray cats that hang out by abandon buildings.
Sam says they can’t keep the stray, because it might be pregnant or have rabies or something. Every time Bucky rolls his eyes and wonders when Steve’s paranoia wore off onto Sam. Bucky will usually just feed the cats whatever he is eating and pat their head and keep moving.
Eventually Sam decided he should just get Bucky a damn cat so he wouldn’t have to keep hearing about the strays. They named her Stacy.
She’s a small thing as a kitten, Steve picked the runt of the litter. What she lacked in size she made up in charisma and playfulness. Her bright blue eyes stood out immensely to her all black fur. She often blended in with whatever Bucky was wearing. He liked freaking Sam out when he didn’t notice she was laying on him.
The kitten spends most her time with Bucky, the light reflecting off his arm could keep her fascinated to no end. Plus he is notorious for letting her explore outside (even though Steve said no) and giving her scraps (again Steve said no). Bucky just can’t say no anytime she meows he has to pick her up and give her pets no matter what is happening.
Then in return whenever he is having a bad time she goes and gets Sam or Steve to notify them Bucky won’t give her proper attention. Most of the time it's when he dissociates and they have to bring him back down, the kitten isn’t settling enough.
One afternoon Steve and Sam got into a fight because Steve brought home a one year Australian Shepherd. Sam didn’t want any more pets but this dog was already almost a certified therapy dog and was a reject of the police academy. Stacy and Bucky were already on the floor playing with the new addition. The smile on Bucky’s face made Sam give in and that’s how they ended up with Captain. They felt it fitting what this his reject police academy status. Bucky would tell him it was okay he was broken too, but that was why they needed each other.
It’s been two years since Bucky got out of the bulk of his trauma counselling. He seemed to be doing so good at that point. No more suicidal thoughts, he was sleeping better, he even let Steve kiss him whenever he liked. They were the signs of progress. Until they weren’t anymore.
He didn’t think about the future, he slept too much, and was becoming very dependent on Steve.
At first they didn’t notice because Bucky didn’t say anything. He stayed quiet for months festering in his own depression and trauma. He couldn’t quite place what was making him not want to think or do or live. He just knew it was easier to sleep and avoid the outside world.
Sam had gotten into the business of flipping houses with some people he meet while he was on a run. Steve was busy working part time at the Philadelphia Museum of Art. He was working behind the scenes, buying art, seeing artists and getting inspired all that good stuff. Bucky stayed home with Stacy and Captain, not really doing anything in particular.
In the morning they would all drink coffee together and Bucky would pet Captain and pretend he was doing just fine. He gave bullshit answers about what he would be doing that day. Apparently Sam and Steve were too caught up in their own shit to notice that Bucky was drowning.
Steve was lounging on the couch one afternoon when he noticed he hadn’t seen Bucky all day. It was a Wednesday so Sam was off demoing or buying a new house or something, but Steve had gotten the day off. He went for a run with Captain that morning who had also seemed to have disappeared after they returned.
Granted he didn’t explicitly tell Bucky that he was going to be home today, so it would make sense if he had a prior engagement or plans for today. But he would’ve thought Bucky would’ve come pandering upstairs at some point for food or water or light.
Bucky’s room wasn’t ‘legally’ a room according to Sam since it didn’t have any windows. But Bucky insisted that when he needed to be alone. Most night he spends in Steve’s bed with Stacy tucked up by his head and Captain snoring in the corner.
But last night Steve slept alone.
Captain came upstairs in a rush, obviously he had been with Bucky. He was barking nonsense and running around looking for someone or something. Stacy was hiding behind Steve because of the barking.
Once the dog found Steve he barked louder and ran towards the stairs as if to say follow me. Steve was slightly panicked cause this had never happened before. Why was Captain freaking out? Why was Stacy acting so scared, Captain barks all the time. Then it hit him.
“Bucky!”
Steve was off the couch in a second and running towards the stairs. If it wasn’t for the serum he would’ve fallen at least twice from the haste of his movements.
He stopped at the bottom of the stairs frozen at the thought of what he might find. This is new behavior from Captain but he didn’t think it was unjustified. He had no idea what kind of hell Bucky was going through.
The door was locked but Steve could hear Bucky’s sobs on the other side of the door. It broke Steve’s heart to hear his best guy so broken.
Steve knocked on the door but there was no movement, and only barely less crying on the other side of the door. He tried again to see if he could get Bucky to move but no luck. Captain joined Steve at the bottom of the stairs and tried pawing at the door for Bucky to let him in. Still nothing changed.
“Bucky, sweetheart” he waits a beat to see if that got the brunet moving on the other side… it didn’t. “Can I please come in, I want to help” Steve looked down at the Australian Shepherd whining at his feet, “Captain wants to help too. Buck please let us help you.
There was movement in the room making Steve and Captain perk up thinking the door would open. But instead something just hit the door and something that sounded like ‘go away’ from the other side of the door.
Steve let out a sigh and set up camp on the other side of the door. He makes it obvious him and Captain are still there not to freak out Bucky who is still crying on the other side.
Time seems to be going by slowly while Steve whispers to Captain about how much he loves Bucky. He knows his boyfriend isn’t listening but maybe if he hears some of the encouraging words he’ll come out and let Steve help him. Steve had started with now and back tracked, he’d made it back to the time of WWII when he heard Sam come home. God how long has it been Steve faintly thought as Captain ran upstairs to great Sam and probably to be let out.
“Hey buddy, oh wow you are excited. Aren’t the two super soldiers home they should’ve been able to let you out” Sam’s voice is slightly muffled by the stairs but Steve can still hear the confused tone in his voice. But Sam still let out Captain to do his business and started to call for his two housemates.
It sounded like Bucky had heard Sam’s voice and stopped crying a bit. Which made Steve uncharacteristically jealous of his best friend. He had been sitting outside the door for who knows how long and then Sam comes home and Bucky stops.
Sam is walking around rather heavily upstairs, maybe he is holding something or had a bad day with the houses. God is everyone in the house having a shitty time but not telling each other. “Steve? Bucky?” Sam yells opening doors and still stomping upstairs.
“Buck, I’m gonna go say hi to Sam. I’ll be back if you’ll be willing to let me in then.” Steve said to the closed door, it nor Bucky made any sounds. Steve shut his eyes and suppressed the disappointed sigh that threatened to escape his lips. He pushed up off the door and called Sam’s name to tell him he was coming up.
The smell of coffee hit Steve as Stacy and Captain ran past him downstairs to go see if they could be more help for Bucky than Steve was.
Sam raised his eyebrows to ask what was going on, more accurately he was going to ask until Steve just started talking a million miles a minute about how Bucky is broken and he was trying to get him to come out of his room for the past… he doesn’t even know how long.
“Steve… Steve… wow man slow down,” Sam demonstrates a deep breathe for his friend and makes him take a couple before he asks “now what the hell happened man?”
Steve buried his face in his hands, he was ashamed because really he didn’t even know. He didn’t know why Bucky was crying or wouldn’t let him into the room. But what he did know was that he left him in there alone. “Fuck” Steve cursed quickly and pushed out the chair to go downstairs. He needs to get back to Bucky, see if he’ll let him in.
The pets are nowhere to be found which means Bucky got up to let them in, that's a good sign…. right?
The blond goes hesitantly to the door and knocks a couple times. Everything is quiet. He can’t hear Sam moving around upstairs, he doesn’t hear Stacy purring while she lets Bucky pet her, he can’t hear Captain moving around, because all he wants to hear is Bucky getting up to let him in, or to yell for him to come in already. But that doesn’t happen it’s just eerily quiet.
Sam tries to call Steve back upstairs but he doesn't hear him.
Is this what a panic attack is like? Is this what Bucky is feeling this fucking sucks. What if this happens to him often, fuck I’m an awful boyfriend.
Sam is knocking on the door now trying to get Bucky to open the door if not just to let Captain out. Steve has never had a panic attack like this before, he is dissociating at the bottom of the stairs. Sam can’t get him to snap out of it. “Dammit James” Sam hisses through the door “if you or one of the animals do not get your asses out here right now. I’ll- I’ll fuck…” Sam pauses to check that Steve is still at least breathing though its shallow, “I’ll fucking take Stacy back, you need to help me out here.” Sam needed to keep calm with Buck losing it in the room and Steve losing it outside the room.
It only took Bucky about 30 seconds to pull himself together and open the door letting Captain run to Steve’s side. “Shit” Bucky curses wiping the tears from his eyes.
Captain is first to Steve’s side trying to nudge his hands to pet him and licking at any exposed skin he can find. Bucky comes to his side next and Sam backs away taking Stacy with him. She needed to feel like she was being helpful too.
“Stevie,” Bucky’s voice came out as barely a whisper but Steve’s head snapped to the side at the sound of his boyfriend’s voice. Bucky gave him a sad smile and nodded “hey, hey, I’m here babe. I’m here. I’m so so sorry Stevie.” Steve buried his face in Bucky’s shirt and lets himself go.
His mind is yelling at him to stop, that Bucky needs the help. He was being a shut in all day he needs to comforted. But the way Bucky is hushing him and petting at the back of his neck Steve can’t help but lose all his inhibitions. He lets the tears go, because he was so scared about Bucky, he was scared that he’s so fucking wrecked that he can’t fix him. Steve just lost it at the thought of Bucky being sad, what a shitty boyfriend he is.
Bucky is making soft hushing noises as Steve cries. The basement is dark and Steve is letting all his words flow. Granted the blond is usually the more emotional one but Bucky shouldn’t have to deal with his shit.
“Guys, hey” Sam voice comes from upstairs and slightly disorients Steve. He pulls away from Bucky’s chest after losing time for the nth time that day. God he was exhausted. “I made breakfast for dinner, if y’all are up for eating,” Sam pauses for a second rethinking his words “you should at least hydrate.” His voice was more tired and soft when he added the last part.
Captain nudged Bucky’s leg and looked up at Steve, he wanted them to get up. Bucky nodded at the dog and moved to get up. Steve let out a pathetic whimper at the movement. The brunet had to put on his best brave face for the emotional mess that was in his arms. “Com’on babe, you know you love Sam’s breakfast. It’ll make you feel better” Bucky paused to press a light kiss to the other’s temple, “I promise.”
Blue eyes brimmed with tears peered up at him as if asking really? Bucky closed his eyes for a second to compose himself before smiling down at Steve and giving him a light kiss on the lips this time. Showing they were both okay, and they could get up and have breakfast for dinner.
The couple made their way up the stairs slowly and Sam gave them an encouraging nod and Captain barked happily to see they joined them. Steve smiled at the dog, he was coming out of his funk he was in. Bucky smiled at Sam across the table and they had a silent conversation that they’d talk later.
Bucky often tells Sam more of his bullshit then Steve. Bucky is too afraid to tell Steve what is going on in his head because he is too afraid Steve has his own shit going on. Which if today was any indicator that Steve was almost as fucked up as Bucky.
The smell of bacon and waffles made Bucky realize he hadn’t had a real meal since Sunday and his stomached growled as if on queue. “Go on big boy, I made enough” Sam said nudging the plate of bacon towards Bucky. Who was still apparently lost for words unless they are directed toward Steve. Not even Captain or Stacy got words, he seemed to be able to communicate with non-verbally with the animals. Sam quipped about Bucky being the animal whisperer to try and lighten the mood but it fell flat.
It wasn’t necessarily tense but there wasn’t much going on with the three of them around the table. They just ate in silence and Bucky kept his hand on Steve’s knee to keep him grounded. But it seemed like his eyes had cleared and he can pay attention to his waffles and eggs that Sam had piled on his plate.
Steve muddled through a thanks and apology as he got up to do the dishes.
Sam and Bucky let him do it, he needed to helpful after that. He maybe exhausted but he felt bad for breaking down all the sudden. They knew Steve and they knew what he needed. He needed time to think and process and get his footing again.
The other four occupants of the house were seated on the couch watching some HGTV because it was Sam’s night to pick to the channel and he thought Chip from Fixer Upper was hilarious .
Steve was leaning up against the doorway watching Sam crack up at something Chip said and Stacy and Bucky were in a heated game of catch my paw. A game Bucky made up where he tries to touch the kittens paw and she retaliates with trying to attack his hand.
If this is what it should be like then maybe they can do it.
“Hey punk stop standing in the doorway” Bucky’s voice slowly pulls him from his own thoughts and he smiles at his boyfriend who had now sat up and patting the spot next to the couch for him to come and sit down.
Steve smiles as he settles in behind Bucky and he puts his head in the others lap. Steve immediately went to playing with Bucky’s hair. It was grounding and oddly was making him even more tired than he previously was.
Once the two of them fall asleep with Steve’s hand still buried in Bucky’s hair Sam puts a blanket over them. Captain goes to sleep in his bed in Sam’s room and Stacy refuses to leave Bucky still. Sam knew that meant something, but a lot happened today and he figured they had time to figure what actually went down this afternoon.
Bucky and Steve slept through the night until Steve had to get up to go to work.