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Standing in the forest near Magpie’s village, AJ wonders why she’s forgetting Drift first. Drift: the first person to have broken through her walls since Ghostie, the person AJ has fallen for despite trying so hard not to, and the person who may or may not be in love with her even though AJ has given her every reason not to. However, AJ thinks the worst part about forgetting Drift is the fact that she and Magpie are the only people who care about her enough to bother her about it, which means she can never stay in blissful ignorance.
“AJ, you’re forgetting things! Please, I don’t understand why you won’t just let me help you!”
“Because I don’t want your help, Open Book! Why don’t you understand that?! This is none of your business, you hate me!”
“God, AJ, I don’t hate you! Why do you think that? Because of our fight at the top of the hill? Do you even remember that?!”
AJ and Drift have been going back and forth about AJ’s memory for what felt like hours, and AJ has reached her breaking point. She couldn’t even think about the words she was saying over the battle in her head.
“Of course, I do! I tried to bury—” AJ’s eyes widen and her expression shutters as she realizes what she almost said.
Drift’s eyebrows furrow and confusion flashes across her face, “What? Bury? Who did you try to—” Suddenly, a wave of pure, unadulterated pain overcomes Drift’s features, “W—Were you trying to bury me? On purpose?”
Panic fills AJ. How could Drift ever think that I’d do that to her? Have I really hurt her that much? “Open Book, I—I would never do something like that—”
“Then who were you trying to bury, AJ? Do you really hate me so much that you can’t even tell me the truth about this?” Tears begin streaming down Drift’s face, and all the fight goes out of AJ. The dull ache in her empty stomach and the decay of her insides pales in comparison to the pain she feels seeing Drift cry.
“I don’t hate you, Drift,” AJ quietly says, “You just have to trust me, yeah? I would never bury you on purpose.” AJ steps closer to grab Drift’s hands, but Drift flinches away. Hurt flashes across AJ’s features before she wipes it off with a wobbly smile, “Hey, how about we just forget about this, yeah? Let’s just go back to Magpie’s treehouse and—”
As fast as it came, Drift’s pain is wiped off her face and fury laces her words, “AJ, are you serious right now? Stop avoiding your problems! Just tell me the truth for once! If not me, then who did you try to bury?!”
As she’s speaking, Drift steps closer and closer to AJ, backing her into the tree behind her. She feels like the caged animal Magpie’s always said she is. She gets the sudden urge to push Drift away and run as far as she can, but she knows there’s no way out this time. Flick is nowhere in sight, and Drift’s not going to back down. AJ puts her mask back on and resorts to the only thing that’s ever truly worked for her: violence.
“Why don’t you just hit me, Open Book?” Her voice easily slips into that arrogant tone and she flashes a smile, “It’ll make you feel so much better! Then we’ll be fine again!”
She sees the violent urge to hit her rise in Drift’s eyes. Please. Please. Please— “No, AJ. I’m not going to give you that satisfaction. You need to stop goading people into violence just so you don’t have to think about what you’ve done. There are consequences to your actions. I know that you were going to bury me that day, and unless you say something for me to think otherwise, we’re done. I care about you, AJ, so much so that it hurts, but I can’t go on like this. You know how much almost getting buried the first time fucked me up, and I can’t be around you with the fear that you’ll do it again. You wanted to push me away? Well, you’ve done it.”
Something cracks inside of AJ at Drift’s words. She can’t bear the thought of Drift leaving her—she doesn't think she’ll survive it. She could barely function the other times Drift had run off or stopped speaking with her. All her life, everyone has either abandoned or broken her. She’s been waiting for Drift or Magpie to do the same, but now that it was actually happening, she couldn’t take it.
As Drift begins to turn away, AJ yells, “Wait!”
Drift turns back around and crosses her arms, “What? I don’t want to hear what you have to say anymore. You’ve hurt me enough.”
AJ’s gaze shifts to the ground and her vision turns blurry, “Erm, I—I wasn’t trying to bury you that day,” she pauses for a long moment, unable to utter the one thing she’s been trying to forget about. When Drift looks as though she’s about to turn away again, AJ finally whispers, “I tried to bury myself.”
Drift’s face drops and a strangled, “What?” flies out of her mouth. “N—No, that can’t be it.” Her eyes dart across AJ’s face for any hint of dishonesty, but she can’t find any. AJ’s gaze sticks to the floor with a faraway look in her eye, and a tear slips down her cheek. Drift moves closer to grab AJ’s shoulders and begins shaking her, desperately trying to get her to meet her gaze. “AJ, please, look at me! It’s not true, right?! Right? God, I can’t even—” A sob makes its way out of Drift’s throat.
At the sound of Drift’s cries, AJ snaps out of her trance just enough to meet her gaze. She reaches out to wipe the heavy flow of tears streaming down Drift’s face, not even feeling the tears running down her own face. Her voice doesn’t sound like her own when she whispers, “Drift, I—I’m sorry, okay? I’m really sorry. It doesn’t even matter anymore,” her voice begins to shake because Drift won’t stop crying and she doesn’t know what to do. “I’m fine. I’ve never been better, Open Book. Everything’s okay now.”
“Everything is not okay, AJ!” Drift’s grip tightens on AJ’s shoulders and she feels trapped, “You are not okay! You just told me that you tried to kill yourself! Why would you do that?” Drift’s voice cracks as more sobs escape her.
Even though she knew Drift could see right through it, AJ wanted so badly to put her walls back up and pretend like everything was fine, but she could barely think over the ringing in her ears and the sound of Drift’s sobs. Whenever Drift cried, her immediate response was just to get her to stop because she couldn’t bear it. But with over and over and over making circles in her head and the image of her trying to bury herself in the back of her mind, she couldn’t focus long enough to properly help her. “Drift, erm, l—like you said before! This was just the consequence of my actions. It wasn’t your fault or anything. It was just me.”
“I never thought it was my fault! I just want to understand why you would do something like this. You can never just tell the truth. You drown yourself in alcohol and sex and violence, and I wish you wouldn’t! I wish you could just be you. Why can’t you see yourself the way I do? The way Megii does?”
Her hands drop from Drift’s face and she shakes Drift’s hands off her shoulders. AJ knows she’s fighting a losing battle. She can feel her mind starting to shut down again and the ringing in her ears growing louder. Her voice drips with defeat as she can’t even bring herself to lie anymore, “I can’t stand myself, Drift. I’ve never been able to. All I do is hurt. I do all those things so I can pretend like I don’t exist, so I can be a more tolerable version of myself. I—I don’t even know why I did it. I was just so fucked up after our fight and I wasn’t thinking straight.”
Drift’s eyes fill with a fresh wave of tears and she pulls AJ into a fierce hug. AJ’s hands stay limp by her sides, feeling frozen and afraid of the sudden contact. Drift sobs into her shoulder and clutches AJ like she’ll disappear if she lets go, and silent tears stream down AJ’s face as the tension slowly eases out of her body.
After a long moment, Drift pulls back just enough to look AJ in the eye. Drift’s eyes are still wet with tears, but she’s managed to calm herself down. Drift seems to steel herself before giving her a soft smile and saying the words that always send AJ running, “I love you. I think I always have. I don’t think I could ever stop.”
AJ tenses at Drift’s words. A familiar fear rises within her. Her eyes dart around, trying to avoid Drift’s gaze. She wonders once again how she can run away from this. Before she can, Drift speaks again, “Please, just listen to what I have to say before trying to run,” she pauses and takes hold of AJ’s chin, forcing her to meet her gaze, “No matter how much I love you, I can't make you want to get better. You can’t just live for me, or Magpie. I can guide you through it, carry some of the pain for you, give you a reason to live, but you have to choose that for yourself.” A quiet sob escapes AJ and Drift pulls her back into a hug.
For the first time in her life, AJ allows herself to break down in front of someone. Her breathing turns slightly erratic as she sobs and shakes and buries herself into the crook of Drift’s neck. Drift holds her throughout it all—never leaving her, never turning away when things get ugly.
Eventually, the shaking stops and the sobs turn into quiet sniffles. After their confessions, AJ feels wrung out and like she’s been turned inside out. Drift has seen all of her now, and yet she still loves her.
AJ lets out a quiet, almost imperceptible whisper of, “I love you, too, Drift.”