Chapter Text
Loki was on earth, not that he wanted to be–well he did, but he didn’t at the same time. It was kind of a “pick-your-poison” moment and this was the poison he picked.
He was outside of the Avengers Tower in New York–the same New York that he tried to destroy in 2012 so he could rule the earth.
I can’t believe I decided to do this–stupid idea, I should’ve never come here. They won’t accept me…
It had been only a few days after Frigga died when Odin banished Loki from Asgard, no one really knew and Loki just guessed that everyone didn’t care enough for him to even realize he was gone.
Except Thor.
But that was another story.
When Loki was about to turn away and not go inside the tower, he saw Tony Stark–in all of his disgustingly narcissistic glory–walking out. He tried to dash away or do something to hide from him but it was too late.
“Shit, shit, shit, shit,” Tony muttered, already getting into his iron man armor. “Jarvis, contact the avengers, let them know Thor’s lame excuse for a brother–oh wait, I forgot he’s not actually his brother–is here. We need anyone available.”
Loki sighed. “Now wait just a minute–”
“I don’t wanna hear it,” Tony started charging up his blasters.
“I don’t want to fight you! I came here with no intentions to do that, just— before you shoot me with those hideous-looking gun hands…” he took a breath before continuing. “Can I have a moment to speak with you?”
Tony’s reaction took Loki by surprise. “And I should believe the ‘all-mighty God of Mischief’ who lies his way into absolutely everything he’s ever done in his thousands of years of living? Sounds to me like you’re trying to trick me.”
Loki sighed, annoyance coursing through him. “You know, for once, maybe not everything is about you, Stark.”
Natasha Romanoff and Bruce Banner came running as soon as they heard about Loki being on earth. Clint Barton showed up only moments after.
“He’s claiming that he came here ‘without intentions to fight.’ I don’t buy it.” Tony told them, still getting ready to fight.
“Wait what? Hold on, what’s going on?” Natasha spoke, coming in between Tony and Loki so that Tony wouldn’t blow his head off with his iron suit.
Loki rolled his eyes. “I don’t want to fight the ‘all mighty avengers,’ I just came here to.. to talk..”
“And what could you possibly be wanting to talk about?” Natasha asked curiously, hand on the handle of the gun laying in her holster, ready to fight.
“Can we just–” He paused for a moment, taking a second to think about his words so that he might get a better chance of them accepting him. “Could we…maybe go into a more…” he tried to think logically to what the avengers wouldn’t want to hear from him. “Enclosed space? You can lock me up in a cage, if I’m what you’re worried about.”
Natasha looked at Tony before nodding to Loki, quickly grabbing handcuffs and putting them around his skinny wrists. “Let’s talk.”
As they arrived in the main room of the Avengers Tower, they tied Loki’s arms and chest around a chair several times, putting him in the center of the room, like an interrogation. Loki just let it happen because he would do whatever just to get them to listen to him.
Loki was not ready, not strong in this period of time because he was going through lots of things, and definitely not strong enough to fight the Avengers.
“So… What did you want to talk about?” Natasha was the first to speak, breaking the silence of the room.
“Was it that you wanted to explode all of New York again, or…?” Clint said before Loki could speak.
Rage coursed through his veins, all he wanted to do was punch him in the face. “Actually no, surprisingly enough to you guys, isn’t it?”
“I came as soon as I could,” a familiar voice spoke, coming from the tower entryway.
Not this voice, not now…
Thor walked up to sit on a couch in front of Loki’s uncomfortable chair. “Loki…” he sighed. “You look an absolute mess. What happened?”
Loki’s jaw clenched. “Can we just get on with things and stop giving snarky remarks? I didn’t come here to fight, I came here..cause I have nowhere else to go!” He yelled without thinking.
Shock and confusion spread throughout their faces. From Natasha to Bruce, to Thor to Tony. Clint didn’t even look surprised, he just shook his head as if he already saw this coming.
“What…And what exactly are you asking us?” Tony looked confused, an eyebrow raised. “Cause if it’s–” he cut himself off, shaking his head. “Can’t you just go back to Jotun… Jotunshit or wherever it is you're from, I-I don’t understand.” He looked from Thor to Loki and back again.
“I’m not from Jotunheim!” He almost screamed at the gloating avenger, almost shaking in his chair. Everyone seemed taken aback at the sudden outburst but Thor was feeling something..something Loki hadn’t seen before. “I came here because…because I was banished from Asgard. And I have nowhere else to go. Okay? Are you happy?”
Tony looked down at the floor, knowing he shouldn’t have said what he said. Clint looked amused while Bruce and Natasha exchanged glances.
“I can’t have you roaming the halls and staying in New York—that’s..that’s just not… I can’t do it.” Tony said, shaking his head. “I can’t trust you.”
Before Loki could say anything else rude to Tony, Thor spoke softly. “Give him a guest room. I will watch him.”
“That’s…” Tony looked up at Thor with shock. “No–no, absolutely not, I can’t do that. That’s too dangerous.”
“He’s a threat to the entire city,, you know that, right?” Clint added. “If he’s just here, who knows what he’ll do?”
Loki sighed. Disappointment flooding through him, the avengers’ argument fading to the background. Ever since his mother passed and he got banished from Asgard, he had been hiding in random cities on earth, in a horrible state of mind and health. Now he just wanted to be somewhere. Not alone, with people–even if they were the avengers.
“..ki? Loki!” Thor’s voice brought him back to reality.
“Yes?” He looked around, all of the avengers staring at him. “W-what is it?”
Tony sighed. “See, he’s not even listening—okay, well, we’re letting you stay in a guest room on a far away floor, under Thor’s watch and my surveillance.”
“What does that mean? You’re gonna have cameras in the room?” He said quickly after Tony finished his sentence.
“No! No. Well, we will, outside of the room—not inside, though. Of course not–yeah, no…” He reassured Loki. “Okay, I’ll take you to your room.” He continued, standing up. “Oh—right.”
He felt the rope loosen, then fall to the floor. Loki stood up.
“How do we know he won’t just use his powers against us?” Clint said, unsure about letting him stay.
“Umm…Yeah, how do we know we can trust you in that department?” Tony turned around to look at Loki.
Loki sighed. “Because I don’t…have my powers,” he explained, Thor’s expression turned shocked. “Odin took them away.”
The room got quiet.
“Okay! Well. Let’s go to your room, I guess we won’t be needing these handcuffs then.” Tony says and Loki feels relief as the cuffs fall off his wrists. “Damn… his wrists…” he heard him whisper something to Natasha but his voice got quieter as he walked away from him.
Loki felt his heart rate spike. What’s wrong with my wrists?
As he followed Tony to his guest room, he looked at his wrists, rotating and turning them side to side. What did I do..?
When they got to the room, Tony spoke. “You’ll be staying in here,” he told Loki and turned to look at Thor who had been following them. “You can stay down the hall in the extra room if you’d like.”
“Thank you, Stark, I find it quite kind of you to let me stay here.” Loki thanked Tony as he walked into the room.
It was cold and dark. There was a desk, a few cabinets, a bed and a small nightstand by the bed. There was also a bathroom connected to the room.
“It is my honor and pleasure to give a home to the all-mighty God of Mischief,” Tony responded sarcastically.
“Oh, shut up,” Loki said, closing the door swiftly but not loudly in front of Tony’s face.
“Rude.” Tony said before walking away.
When he heard both Thor and Tony’s footsteps retreating, he sighed and looked around the room.
One side of the room had giant glass windows. When he looked out, it seemed to go down really far.
On the nightstand there was an empty glass vase and a cup there for decoration purposes only. Loki found it quite amusing that the room was basically empty.
His smile faded when reality set in. He sat on the floor, back pressed to the wall and he closed his eyes.
Pictures of his mother filled his head and he felt a twisting feeling in his stomach, Loki faking his death, him falling and being controlled by Thanos to destroy New York. Something the avengers never knew.
He remembered the day Thor first held Mjolnir, when he was worthy but never Loki. He remembered how Thor never even looked for him when he fell into the void, he never cared enough. All the times Loki tried to tell him how bad he was hurting, his brother never even noticed.
Loki felt his eyes start to water, and he tried to hold the tears back but it didn’t work. Tears ran down his face, Loki was uncontrollably sobbing on the floor.
He needed something…anything. He needed a way to release. He looked up at the nightstand and grabbed the glass vase, throwing it and shattering on the floor.
He grabbed a shard in his hand, tracing the point of it with his fingers, the skin on the tip of his fingers tearing.
Loki rolled up the sleeves on his pale, skinny arms, looking for a spot that didn’t already have scars. Teardrops fell from his eyes onto his wrist, only making him cry even harder.
He traced the few empty spots of his arm with the sharp piece of glass and, without thinking twice, cut.
He felt the skin on his wrist open painfully as dark, crimson blood pooled on his arm, dripping to the side and onto the wooden floor.
The burning sensation along his arms felt horrible in a good way, and he just couldn’t stop cutting the only spaces left that don’t already have scars.
As his teardrops fell onto his arms, it made the cuts sting even worse, and he suddenly heard someone knock on his door.
Panic surged through him, his heart pounding in his chest, fear and terror of being caught so vulnerable made him scared.
He quickly rolled his sleeve up, his arm burning with what felt like fire. Loki hid the bloodstained shard of glass within the nightstand drawer and quickly wiped the tears from his face. Luckily, he was good at hiding his emotions.
The door opened and he saw Thor walk into the room and quietly shut the door. When he saw Loki sitting on the floor, with a few drops of blood next to him, and the other shards of broken glass. He looked alarmed. “Loki, what happened?”
“Nothing. I wanted to break something, so I did,” he lied, terrified that his brother would find out the secret he had been hiding for so long. “Why are you here?”
Thor sighed. “Why did you come here? You could’ve gone anywhere else, anywhere, even without powers, and yet you chose to come here. You know that everyone else here hates you and won’t treat you well.”
That’s the point. He thought to himself, but he couldn’t dare say it so casually to his brother, “I already told you. I have nowhere to go.”
“It doesn’t make sense that you would go to the one place that has people who hate you the most, Loki. Explain yourself.”
Loki sighed. He wouldn’t dare to tell Thor about how he really felt when he was at all different types of cities after he got banished from Asgard. Even though he was free, he always felt a pang in his chest at the loneliness that caught up to him. He couldn’t bear to be alone.
Even though there were places he could’ve gone, he would’ve been alone. Where he wouldn’t know anyone. The truth was that he came here not for Thor, he came here just to be around people he knew—especially people that hated him. He wanted to feel that hatred towards himself.
But in this situation, he really couldn’t come up with any more lies to tell his brother. And Thor could easily see through simple lies. “Because.. Because I didn’t have anyone. Not even anyone to talk to, to hear. I never heard a real voice that wasn’t just the voices in my head telling me to… telling me to kill myself.” He muttered the last few words under his breath, Thor wasn’t able to hear him.
Thor’s expression changed into something dark flecked with grief and guilt. “What? Loki…I-I don’t understand. You were free. You could go anywhere.”
“I didn’t have anywhere to go!” Loki yelled at him. “Leave me alone. I don’t want to see your face.”
His brother shook his head, clearly upset and guilty, but he didn’t argue. He turned and left the room, quietly shutting the door behind him.
Loki sighed, pain surging through his arm. He rolled up his sticky sleeve and saw the blood all over his arm. He winced at the pain.
He stood up, a little too fast because dark filled his vision and he felt himself lose balance. He quickly caught something to keep balance before he passed out. The hunger and exhaustion was taking a toll on his physical health.
Once he regained balance and his sight slowly brightened, he walked to the bathroom that connected to his room. He looked in the mirror. His eyes were dark and his skin looked pale.
As he took off his shirt, he noticed that his once toned abs were long gone, replaced with a skinny, skeletal figure, covered in scars that weren’t very old. He could see all his bones clearly.
When he turned to the side to look at his back, he saw light pink burn marks still there from only a few days, and it felt dry and crusty to touch.
He looked away from the mirror, his bloody arms were still dripping.
Loki put on his shirt again with a wince of pain and walked out of the bathroom, breathing heavily with each step. He sat back down on the floor.
There was a small clock on the wall. It was 9:53PM. He closed his eyes, images filling his brain as pain surged through him, tears welling at his eyes.