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For as long as Shadow could remember, he’d always had a deep voice. He didn’t know what part of his creation had led to him sounding the way he did. After everything that happened on the ARK, he’d just assumed it was intentional. If he’d come out of that test tube for the first time sounding like a real child, the scientists might have had to feel guilty over the things they were planning on doing to him.
He’d never really thought about his own voice very much. He remembered Maria teasing him, telling him he sounded ‘like a grown-up’, but beyond that, nobody on the ARK had ever spoken about the sound of his voice. If anything, they didn’t want to hear it at all, often telling him to be quiet if he ever dared to form his own opinions on anything.
It wasn’t until after his freedom from stasis that he began considering how his voice sounded, and only after others pointed out how… wrong it was.
Rouge had brought it up first, during the second month after they’d moved in together. Shadow was still struggling to adjust to living on earth, and all of the ways technology changed. Rouge had bought him a phone, claiming it necessary for her to be able to contact him during all the time he spent out of the apartment. He didn’t understand why she found it necessary, but he’d reluctantly agreed to learn how the phone worked enough to talk to her, though he used it for little else.
One morning, he’d spotted her standing next to the coffee pot and greeted her, requesting his own cup.
“Hey, hon?” Rouge started, grabbing a second mug from the cabinet. “Why does your voice sound like that?”
Shadow hadn’t understood the question, and his only response was a confused frown.
“Don’t give me that look, you know what I mean.” Rouge said with a smile, but he really didn’t know.
“Is there a problem with it?” He asked, eyes narrowing.
“I mean, I wouldn’t call it a problem. It’s just… strange. You don’t sound fifteen, hon.”
“What do I sound like, then?” Shadow had only spoken to a handful of people his age (although he still wasn’t certain he actually had an age, considering his creation), so he didn’t have a solid frame of reference for what a fifteen year old was ‘supposed’ to sound like.
Rouge snorted, turning back to the coffee pot. “You sound like you spent fifty years chain-smoking.”
Again, Shadow didn’t understand what she meant, but her tone made him want to shrink in on himself. It wasn’t quite mocking, but similar enough that a small flicker of shame sparked in his chest.
“This is just… how I sound.” Shadow mumbled.
“You came out the womb-tube sounding like that?”
“Don’t ever say that again.”
Rouge laughed, and the conversation ended there as she launched into a long rant about something Omega had said the other day that pissed her off. She’d probably stopped thinking about her question as soon as they stopped talking about it. Shadow had tried to forget about it as well, but it had left him feeling strange for reasons he couldn’t identify.
The second time it happened was at a picnic, organized by Amy, Cream and Big. Shadow hadn’t even wanted to go, but Rouge said that he needed to ‘make friends’, so she dragged him along.
While Amy and Big were busy setting up tables, assisted by a few other friends they’d invited, Cream had approached Shadow shyly, her Chao hovering nearby.
“Mr. Shadow, are you feeling okay?” Cream asked him, concern clear in her big eyes.
Shadow’s eye ridges furrowed as he glanced down at the little rabbit. “Yes, why?”
Her paws twisted together nervously. “Well… you don’t seem very happy to be here-“ he was going to explain that he’d only come along because Rouge wanted him to, but Cream continued, “-and it sounds like you’re getting sick.”
Shadow blinked at that, baffled as to how she could have come to that conclusion. He’d been specifically created to never become ill; his blood was engineered to kill sickness at the source.
“What do you mean?” Shadow asked, crossing his arms.
“Your voice is really rough and scratchy. My mama’s voice does that when she gets sick.” Cream explained.
His mind went back to Rouge’s words in the kitchen only a week before, and he had to stop himself from grimacing.
“I’m not getting sick-“
“Does your throat hurt?” Cream asked. “I can ask Miss Amy if she has anything that could help.”
Shadow cringed internally. “That- won’t be necessary. I’m fine. I… always sound like this.”
Cream seemed relieved by that, worry fading from her gaze.
That conversation ended quickly, which Shadow had been thankful for, as the rabbit’s concern, despite her good intentions, had left him uncomfortable in the same way Rouge’s question had.
The third time someone mentioned it had been the exact same day, right as everyone was getting ready to leave.
Although Shadow had been reluctant to join the picnic, he couldn’t deny that he had found it enjoyable. Rouge’s blatant flirting with Knuckles had been somewhat amusing to watch as he consistently failed to realize her intent, and Sonic hadn’t been quite as annoying as usual. The food was good, and he hadn’t hated the company like he’d assumed he would. He didn’t regret going.
At least, he hadn’t, until Knuckles approached him.
“You know, you don’t have to force your voice to sound like that.” Knuckles told him, arms crossed over his chest. His tone was almost accusing.
“Excuse me?” Shadow scoffed.
“You can still be all edgy and mysterious without the vocal fry.” Knuckles continued with a shrug. “You know that you can damage your voice by doing that, right?”
Shadow opened his mouth to respond, but Knuckles wasn’t finished.
“And, I’ve gotta be honest, it’s really annoying.”
Shadow stepped back like he’d been slapped, mouth slamming shut and eyes widening in shock.
“Next time you come join us for any group activities, just talk with your regular voice, alright? Nobody’s gonna make fun of you for however you actually sound.”
Knuckles walked away before Shadow could come up with a response. He watched the echidna leave, one of his paws lifting up to his throat mindlessly, as if he could feel his faulty vocal cords.
Fake. Annoying. Broken.
That was what he sounded like to these people?
A stinging sensation built behind his eyes, but he blinked it away quickly, then squeezed his eyes shut so tightly that little spots of color danced in his vision.
He went back to the apartment alone, teleporting directly from the park to his own bedroom. He didn’t bother saying goodbye to anyone- apparently, they wouldn’t have wanted to hear his voice anyway. He didn’t tell Rouge where he was going either, but he rarely cared enough to. He was pretty sure she could just track his phone if she was that worried about it.
His mind strayed to the little device that he’d grown to hate, always finding it more of a nuisance to keep with him rather than a useful tool. He knew that there was a way to record videos with it, and he thought he remembered hearing that someone’s voice sounded different in their own head than it did to everyone else. Maybe, if he recorded himself talking, he’d finally hear what everyone else seemed so concerned about.
With a quiet sigh, he grabbed his phone and searched through it, eventually finding the camera app. He took a video of himself, saying things that he’d say regularly like his own name.
Watching the video back was… a horrendous experience.
He’d never thought to focus on his own voice like that, but hearing it playing out from a different perspective only seemed to highlight everything that was wrong with it. His voice really was much deeper than any other teenager he’d ever spoken to, and it was unnaturally gravelly, making it a little difficult to understand certain words he’d said.
It sounded so different in his head. Was this actually what he sounded like?
…He hated it.
He hated the sound of his own voice.
What had Knuckles called it? ‘Vocal fry’? Looking through his phone again, Shadow found the built-in search engine Rouge had once explained to him, telling him in no uncertain terms to ‘be fucking careful with it’. He hadn’t understood why she felt the need to warn him about it, and she’d refused to explain further.
Swallowing nervously, he tapped the search bar.
What is vocal fry?
Is vocal fry permanent?
How to fix vocal fry?
Several articles gave suggestions on how to fix Shadow’s problem, so he spent the next couple of hours pouring over everything he found, memorizing each detail. He was determined to cure the damage he’d unknowingly done.
He just wished he’d realized it sooner.
***
“Morning, hon.” Rouge greeted as Shadow entered the kitchen.
Shadow responded with a quiet hum, beelining to the coffee pot, already full. He usually woke up earlier than this, but the lingering tiredness in his gaze was enough proof to Rouge that he’d been up far too late last night.
“When did you go to bed last night?” Rouge asked, trying to keep the accusation out of her tone. It wasn’t like she’d ever tried enforcing a bedtime on the kid, she knew he was perfectly capable of taking care of himself despite his age, but it was still an abnormality from his usual routine, and she couldn’t help but point it out.
Shadow shrugged as he poured himself a cup of coffee.
Rouge frowned when she noticed how quiet Shadow was. He never really spoke all that much unprompted, especially in public, but he did normally speak to her when it was just them alone in the apartment.
“Feeling alright?” She asked, only receiving a short nod in response.
Without ever saying a word, Shadow took his coffee mug and returned to his bedroom. Even after returning home from tough missions, both of them sore, exhausted and healing from whatever injuries they’d sustained, they still spent the mornings together as part of their routines.
Had something happened to cause this odd change in his behavior? He’d seemed alright yesterday. Was he still frustrated with Rouge over getting dragged out of the apartment? He hadn’t exactly seemed happy about socializing, and he’d left suddenly, disappearing for the rest of the day.
Maybe his social battery was still drained. It was the first time he’d gone out to a group outing like that, and after spending the majority of his life (not counting his time in stasis) in space, he wasn’t used to being in large groups (other than the ARK scientists, but Rouge doubted they’d spent more time with Shadow than what was strictly necessary).
If it was just space that he needed, she’d give it to him, but she made a mental note to keep an eye on him, just to make sure he was alright.
***
This strange silence lasted two more days before Rouge finally mentioned it. She hadn’t wanted to turn it into a big thing, but this wasn’t normal for Shadow, and she couldn’t help but worry.
“Is there any reason you haven’t been talking, hon?” Rouge asked, leaning against the kitchen counter with her arms crossed.
Not only had Shadow not said a word to her or Omega in three days, but she hadn’t heard any noise come from his bedroom. He didn’t talk to himself often, but she did occasionally overhear a frustrated curse, or one half of a phone call (she never tried to eavesdrop, but with her exceptional hearing combined with the apartment’s thin walls, it was hard not to overhear some things).
Shadow tensed halfway to the hall, pausing with his back to Rouge. He took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. “No.”
Rouge blinked, eye ridges furrowing at the sound of Shadow’s voice. It was different; nothing had changed drastically, though it did sound just a little less rough than usual, like some of the raspiness had softened out.
“…You sure?” Rouge said, slow and cautious. The fur on the back of her neck prickled, a sudden, strange sense of dread telling her that something had changed for the worse. “You sound different.”
Shadow’s ears perked up at that, almost like he was… happy that she’d noticed. He was quick to conceal the reaction, but it was too late.
“I’m fine.” Shadow said. Again, he was missing a small amount of the usual gravel.
Rouge frowned, though Shadow couldn’t see it. “If you say so…”
Shadow continued on to his bedroom without another word, leaving Rouge alone in the kitchen, confused and concerned.
***
A week passed by with only a handful of words exchanged between Rouge and Shadow. His voice still sounded just a bit off, but he hadn’t done anything to cause it, as far as she knew. He hadn’t acknowledged the change at all, and refused to give Rouge straight answers.
It wasn’t until she heard a loud crack from Shadow’s room that she’d finally found the answers she was searching for.
She rushed out of her room in a heartbeat, throwing open Shadow’s door. She would have knocked under better circumstances, but with how quiet her roommate usually was, her mind immediately filled in the blanks with the worst possible scenarios.
Instead of finding an intruder, or some kind of struggle, she spotted Shadow sitting on the edge of his bed, face buried in his paws. The wall in front of him now held a large, spiderweb-like crack.
“Did you punch the wall?” Rouge asked, too baffled to be pissed. It would be an absolute nightmare if their landlord found out, but she could probably figure out how to fix it with some supplies and an internet tutorial. It couldn’t be any harder than learning to pick locks.
Shadow stiffened when he heard Rouge’s voice, ears pinning flat to his head like a guilty dog. A noise escaped him, harsh and painful, sounding like a broken sob. “I’m s-sorry.”
The roughness in his voice had returned, sounding even worse than before. It wasn’t just deep and gravelly, it sounded like it ached.
Rouge’s eyes softened, and she approached Shadow’s bed slowly. “Honey, are you okay?”
Shadow shook his head. “There’s something w-wrong with me.”
“What do you mean?” Rouge asked, sitting down next to Shadow.
Shadow sat up straighter, scrubbing at his eyes before dropping his paws in his lap. “My voice is-“ he hesitated. “I can’t fix it.”
Rouge frowned. “Fix it? Why does it need to be fixed?”
Shadow scoffed, shooting Rouge a sideways glare. “Is that supposed to be a joke? You know what’s wrong with it. You were the first person to point it out!”
Rouge flinched back, eyes widening. “What? Shadow-“
“I shouldn’t sound like this.” He bit out, paws clenching in his lap. “You said I sound like- like a smoker, and Cream told me I sounded sick, and-“ he chuckled, though it wasn’t a happy sound; it was ripped from his chest like a knife from a stab wound. “Knuckles just said my voice sounded fake. He called it annoying.” The last word was spat venomously.
Rouge felt her heart cracking with every word out of Shadow’s mouth. The pain in his voice - both emotional and physical - made her chest ache.
“I just wanted to fix it.” His words came out shuddering, like he was struggling to hold back tears. “But it isn’t working, and it- it’s starting to hurt.” He swallowed roughly. “It fucking hurts, and I can’t stop, or I’ll- I’ll always sound like this.”
He finally looked up at her, eyes bloodshot, tinted green at the edges and shiny with tears he wouldn’t let fall.
“I don’t want to sound like this anymore.”
Rouge’s own eyes stung as she lifted a trembling paw, placing it on Shadow’s cheek as gently as she could manage. “Honey, there is nothing wrong with your voice.”
Shadow sniffled, leaning into her paw just a little. “But, you said-“
“I know.” She sighed. “I know. And I wish I hadn’t.” She gave him a shaky smile. “I actually really like your voice. I missed hearing it when you went all silent on me.”
Shadow’s gaze dropped to the bed. “I just wanted it to sound… normal.”
“What would ‘normal’ even sound like?”
Shadow shrugged. “No vocal fry.”
“Vocal-“ Rouge’s eyes narrowed. “Who even taught you that?”
“Knuckles.”
“Oh, I am going to have a nice, long conversation with Red soon.”
For just a moment, Rouge saw the slightest hint of a smile cross Shadow’s muzzle.
Rouge opened her arms, relieved when Shadow accepted the embrace, leaning into her hold and tucking his face against her shoulder. He hardly ever accepted contact so easily; she could count on a single paw the amount of times he’d allowed her to touch him since they’d moved in together. She took it as further proof of how upset this whole ordeal had made him.
“Your voice isn’t annoying, hon.” Rouge said, rubbing Shadow’s back comfortingly. “And you shouldn’t hurt yourself trying to ‘fix’ it.”
Shadow huffed like he didn’t believe her, but he didn’t try arguing.
Sometimes, she forgot that he was still just a young teenager, as prone to insecurity and anxiety as anyone else. He might have claimed to be above such emotional responses, trained into a perfectionist mindset by his creator, but being the ‘Ultimate Lifeform’ didn’t automatically erase his emotions.
She already knew that this wasn’t something he’d be willing to just forget about. A single conversation couldn’t heal the past week of damage, but she’d make sure to watch her words more carefully now. She’d only meant to tease him; she never could have guessed that he would take her words to heart like this.
“Want me to make you some tea?” Rouge offered. “It’ll help with the sore throat.”
“You don’t have to do that for me.” Shadow said, but with the way he was lowering his voice, Rouge could tell that the pain was only getting worse the more he spoke.
“I know, hon. I don’t mind.”
Rouge meant to pull away, but Shadow’s arms wrapped around her back, stopping her from moving.
“W-Wait.” Shadow muttered against her shoulder, ears folding back. “…Stay with me?”
Rouge felt her heart clench. “How about we move to the couch? I’ll make tea, then we can watch a movie together.”
It took a moment, but Shadow let Rouge go, glancing away as his muzzle turned a light shade of green.
Together, they watched a movie in the living room while Shadow gave his throat a break from the strain he’d been putting on it. Despite his earlier protest, Rouge saw the relief in Shadow’s eyes when the warm tea helped soothe his aching throat.
They hardly ever took the time to watch movies together. Since they’d both started working for G.U.N., most of the time they spent together was during work. But Rouge had seen that Shadow didn’t want to be alone right now; locking himself away for a week and stressing himself out had taken its toll.
She chose a movie specifically so Shadow wouldn’t feel pressured to speak, but would still know that he wasn’t alone. He needed to give himself time to recover, not just physically, but mentally as well.
Halfway through the movie, he shifted a bit closer to her, discreetly leaning toward her. She still noticed it, and with a quiet, amused snort, she wrapped an arm around his shoulders, pulling him to her side. He relaxed instantly, focus still on the TV screen.
Rouge smiled when she felt the tension melt from his muscles. It would take time, and she still fully intended to give Knuckles a piece of her mind the next time she saw the echidna, but she knew Shadow would be alright.