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Occtis glanced around the room, marking out most of his group and then frowning.
Where had Julien gone? He’d definitely gone back inside Brauwla’s tavern after he’d rejected the Baroness Cosgrove, but where was he now?
He could hear the Duchess speaking with King Augustus, arranging for them all to meet with him in private and he knelt down, summoning Pincushion and asking quietly, “Find Julien. Come back to me once you have.”
Pin darted off, twisting and maneuvering around the guests milling around the greater hall.
“My Lord Tachonis?” the Duchess called out. “The King is ready for your people now.”
As Occtis came up to her, he asked, “Do you know where Julien went?”
Her mouth twisted in… distaste? And she said, “Who knows where the Lord Davinos may have taken himself. He is not necessary for this discussion.”
Occtis frowned. Had Julien done something to upset the Duchess? But before he could pursue that line of thought, he caught a glimpse of Pin, at the top of the stairs that led to some more private rooms.
“We need him,” he assured the Duchess. If they were going to talk tactics and logistics, Julien was the best person to have with them. “If you let me know where we’re meeting, I’ll find him and bring him along.”
“If you insist,” she said. “Simply ask Brauwla to lead you to us. If you are unable to locate him swiftly, I suggest returning on your own and leaving him to his own devices.”
Julien had managed to do something to- not just upset the Duchess, but actively offend her.
“I’ll keep that in mind,” Occtis said, and he hurried his steps towards Pin.
Up the stairs, down the hallway and around a corner, there was a closed door that Pin snuffled at.
Occtis paused by the door and listened, but he couldn’t make out any distinct sounds.
Finally, he gave up on stealth and just turned the handle and pushed open the door-
Well, he’d found Julien.
Shirtless, with another man in his lap, and kissing so hard that they hadn’t noticed that the door had opened. They were sitting on edge of a reading couch, and Occtis had a- had an extremely good profile view of what was happening. Julien’s chest heaving with each breath, devouring the other man’s mouth. One of his hands was on the small of the other man’s back, urging him to- to rock against Julien’s lap.
The man looked- he looked to be a royal valet of some kind.
Occtis’s eyes darted down to the trail of hair that led to the top of Julien’s trousers, and he forced his gaze back up to Julien’s face.
He made some kind of sound. Loud enough that Julien hesitated, his hand curling around the valet’s jaw and holding him in place as he turned away from the kiss and fixed- fixed furious eyes on Occtis.
Oh, fuck, he’s going to kill me, was the only thought in Occtis’s head for the next few seconds, repeating on a loop.
“You are interrupting,” Julien said, in an icy voice. “Is there a reason?”
Occtis considered fleeing but- but they really did need Julien for this.
“Ah. Yes. We-uh. We need you. The King.” It was a scattering of words, likely incomprehensible, but it was the best that Occtis could manage. “The- uh. The meeting. About- about our next steps.”
Julien closed his eyes, looking pained, and he stroked his thumb along the valet’s jaw. “I must meet with the King. Will you wait here for me?”
“Of course,” the valet breathed out.
Julien leaned in and gave the valet a kiss, standing up at the same time, lifting the other man into his arms. His muscles shifted under his skin and- and the other man didn’t look light, but Julien made carrying him look effortless.
Once the valet was deposited on the couch — gazing up at Julien with what seemed to be genuine longing — Julien tugged his doublet back on, though he didn’t bother to tuck anything in or make himself tidy.
He stormed past Occtis, into the hallway, so Occtis followed-
And he found himself pressed up against the wall of the hallway, currently empty of other patrons, Julien’s forearm held gently but inescapably against Occtis’s chest.
“The King?” Julien asked. Occtis tried to tug down Julien’s arm, but it was like trying to move an anvil with his bare hands. “And was the King also the reason for those looks?”
“What- I don’t know what you-“
“You kept staring,” Julien said. “You disapprove? Am I not even allowed this much? Am I allowed no comfort at all?”
“No, I- that’s not it,” Occtis said. He’d given up on trying to move Julien’s arm, his fingers plucking uselessly at the sleeve of his shirt. His brain flicked through his spell options, but attacking Julien in the middle of a tavern where a king was staying seemed like a genuinely awful idea, and would ruin all of the progress that he’d made in getting Julien to like him a little better. “I didn’t- I didn’t know.”
“Didn’t know what?” Julien asked, curiosity beginning to show through his anger.
“I’d only ever- uh. I’d only ever seen you flirt with women,” Occtis said. “I don’t. I didn’t say I disapproved. I don’t disapprove.”
“But you were staring,” he said, studying Occtis’s face, then his eyes widened. “Oh, I see.”
“See what?” Occtis asked.
“I shouldn’t,” Julien said, much more quietly. His gaze flicked downward, in the direction of Occtis’s mouth, lingered there a moment. “It’s a terrible idea. You don’t even know you’re asking for it.”
“Julien?”
Julien’s eyes met his and- and the fury was still in them, but Occtis didn’t think it was directed at him. “Fuck it. I ruin everything anyway. Why stop now?”
Occtis’s brow furrowed in confusion and Julien’s mouth was-
His lips parted at Julien’s urging, and there was-
It was so hot, because Julien’s mouth was hot, and it was wet and it was-
His hands clutched at Julien’s forearm, as Julien kissed him, and Occtis let it happen.
No, it wasn’t that he was letting it happen.
He kissed back, because Julien showed him how, and it was awkward, at first, but then it was so easy. It was the easiest thing that Occtis had ever done.
There was a gasp and Julien pulled away from him all at once, releasing Occtis from where he’d been pinned up against the wall and there was-
“I should not have done that,” Julien said, breathing hard. “My- my sincerest apologies. You did not deserve- you deserved better. You deserve better. Fuck. Fuck.”
“It’s fine,” Occtis said. “It’s- you were upset. It’s fine.”
Julien smiled that thin smile of his that didn’t look happy at all.
“It is not fine,” he said. “Do not make excuses for my poor behavior. I- I was upset, this is true. I still should have treated you with more care. You have no need to accept my apologies, but I give them to you. The King, you said?”
“Downstairs.”
Occtis felt in somewhat of a daze as they went back down the stairs. He wanted to touch his mouth, where he swore that he could still feel the heat of Julien’s lips.
He wanted- he wished that Julien hadn’t stopped.
As soon as they stepped into the meeting room, the Duchess looked over, her eyes darting immediately towards Julien, who tilted his head up and smiled at her, and it was cold and sharp.
Occtis let the noise of the meeting fade to the background as he turned the information that he’d gathered over in his mind and tried to fit the pieces together.
The Duchess must be why Julien had rejected Baroness Cosgrove out of nowhere. Occtis wasn’t- he wasn’t entirely certain of the details as to why, but it seemed likely to do with appearances. He wasn’t an expert in all of that courtly nonsense but it tracked with the information that he had.
I ruin everything, Julien had said.
You deserve better, he’d said.
His words had been directed at Occtis, but it didn’t feel terribly out of line to assume they applied to more than one situation.
And maybe that was true, and Cosgrove deserved ‘better’ than Julien, though Occtis wasn’t sure where she was going to find that better person, out here in the middle of nowhere. Was the Duchess planning on arranging a marriage for her? Was that something that the Baroness would even want?
“You put him in grave danger with this plan. The Tachonis already have a target on his back but this will make matters much worse for him,” Julien said, and his tone was so forceful that Occtis abruptly found himself paying attention to the meeting.
And realizing that all eyes were on him.
Danger. Tachonis. Target.
Oh, they must be talking about the suggestion that the Duchess had made. The one about Occtis declaring himself the one true lord of House Tachonis.
“It’s something to consider,” he said, to give himself time to think. “I’m not making any decisions about it yet.”
Julien shook his head. “If you do this, it will mean willfully exposing yourself to your family. You won’t be able to hide, as we have been doing.”
“Perhaps hiding no longer serves a useful purpose,” the Duchess said. “I do not think our young Lord Tachonis is as much of a coward as you may believe he is, Lord Davinos.”
Julien stared straight at the Duchess.
“I have never accused Occtis of being a coward,” Julien said, and his voice was nothing but pleasant. Cold, but pleasant. “But there is a difference between necessary risk and… and thoughtlessly putting someone into needless danger. As you helpfully reminded me earlier this evening, my lady.”
“I am glad that you took my advice to heart,” the Duchess said. “Perhaps you are right. Perhaps it is too much to ask of him. But the risk is his. Isn’t he the one who should make the decision?”
“Yes, he should,” Julien said, and there was an icy bite in the words this time. “We all deserve the freedom to make our own choices and to decide which risks we would like to take.”
“Okay, I kinda feel like there’s something else going on here,” Kattigan said. “Some kind of tension between the two of you that has nothing to do with Occtis becoming high lord of the Tachonis, or whatever. Anyone care to clear up what that’s about?”
“I have no quarrel with the Duchess,” Julien said. “And she has offered aid to the people of Telmora, after hearing of our recent tragedy, so that would imply that she has no quarrel with House Davinos either.”
“Well, that sounds like my sister,” King Augustus said. “She has a generous heart.”
“Indeed,” Julien said. “Her heart overflows, your majesty.”
Nothing in the rest of the meeting was anywhere near as tense as that moment and, thankfully, no one had pressed Occtis further on the idea of declaring himself to be the true lord of House Tachonis.
When the meeting came to its natural conclusion for the evening, with King Augustus offering them some aid in their upcoming mission to stop the Tachonis caravans, with the logistics to be dealt with in the morning, Occtis watched Julien head back over to that same staircase as before, and hurried after him.
“Julien, wait,” he said, once they were in an unoccupied stretch of hallway, around the corner from the stairs.
“What is it, Occtis? I have someone waiting for me,” Julien said, turning and leaning his hip against the wall. Contrary to his words, there seemed to be very little urgency in his voice, and his gaze fluttered up and down Occtis’s body as if he couldn’t decide where to look.
“I thought maybe. If you had regrets about what happened earlier.” Occtis hesitated, and Julien’s own words came back to him. I have never accused Occtis of being a coward. So he summoned up his courage. “Maybe you could try again. Do it the right way.”
Julien let out a heavy sigh. “I have no wish to be some life-ruining mistake for you, Occtis.”
“Why would you be a mistake?” Occtis asked, daring to step a bit closer, and trying to keep alert in case anyone else came down this hallway. “I- you know, no one’s ever kissed me before.”
“Then I must apologize again, for stealing something that deserved to be freely given to the person of your choice.” Julien was so much softer now, almost gentle.
Occtis shook his head. “Julien. You aren’t listening to me. You said back there that people have the right to- to decide which risks to take. I didn’t- I didn’t know that you liked men. And now I do. And I- I can’t- I’m not gonna be able to stop thinking about it.”
Another step closer and Occtis was able to rest his hand against Julien’s chest, feel the warmth of his skin through the layers of fabric. Julien took in a sharp breath.
“Do not tempt me with this,” Julien said, his own hand lifting and covering Occtis’s.
“Why would it be a mistake?” Occtis asked again. “I don’t understand.”
Julien hesitated, and then he tugged Occtis forward a few steps, pulling them into a more hidden alcove, where they- where they had to stand quite close to each other.
Occtis watched Julien furrow his brow and try to articulate something, opening his mouth and then closing it several times.
Finally, sounding almost baffled about it, Julien said, “Perhaps it would not be. I cannot ruin your reputation. You have no current prospects among the nobility. There is no chance of an unwanted child. As long as your heart is not engaged, perhaps there is no risk of injuring you or damaging your standing in the world.”
“I don’t have a heart,” Occtis reminded him. “You can try again, Julien. You don’t need- uh, what was that man’s name?”
“I didn’t ask,” Julien said, with enough shame in him over it to wince slightly. “I didn’t want to know. He is… also someone who deserved more care than I was willing to show him.”
From what Occtis had seen, the valet had seemed incredibly interested in everything that Julien was offering. In fact, it would probably be much kinder to let Julien go back to him.
“You don’t need him,” Occtis said. “I’m right here. And you can’t ruin me, Julien. There’s nothing to ruin.”
“That is not true,” Julien said firmly, his hand lifting to cup Occtis’s cheek. “Do not speak so poorly of yourself.”
Occtis closed his eyes. Tilted his face into Julien’s touch. He felt Julien’s thumb rub across his lower lip and he let his mouth fall open, just slightly.
“I’ve never been good at avoiding temptation,” Julien murmured, and then his lips were on Occtis’s again. Occtis wasn’t caught off-guard this time, so he was able to really study what Julien was doing, and do his best to reciprocate.
“You could- um. You could pin me up against the wall again,” Occtis offered shyly, during a moment between kisses. “So I can’t- I can’t get away.”
Julien chuckled. “Ah, yes, you are clearly desperately trying to escape.”
Still, he slid his forearm up to pin Occtis’s chest firmly against the wall of the alcove. Occtis let his own hands creep back up to wrap around Julien’s arm, even tugging again, as if trying to yank it down.
“What about this is doing it for you?” Julien asked, nuzzling down under his cravat to kiss the side of Occtis’s neck. He crowded their bodies closer together. “You enjoy feeling trapped? Or is there something beyond that?”
Occtis licked his lips and tried ignore the heat of Julien’s mouth against his skin long enough to answer the question. “I think. Um. I think it’s- you were able to- you could just pick that man up and haul him around like he didn’t weigh a thing. And then you pinned me against the wall and I couldn’t- there was nothing I could do to make you move.”
“You could have cast a spell on me, withered the flesh off my bones,” Julien pointed out. “But you didn’t. Is that because you enjoyed feeling helpless in the face of… superior strength?”
It was embarrassing to admit that Julien was right, but Occtis forced himself say, “Yeah.”
Looking back, it wasn’t the first time Occtis had felt that way, though he hadn’t put the pieces together on why until right now.
“These activities that you desire, you must be careful with them,” Julien said. “There are many who might take advantage of such a situation. I will… there are tools that you can use, to make such things safer. Allowing yourself to feel helpless is one thing. Being genuinely helpless is dangerous.”
Occtis thought about pointing out how unlikely it was that anyone would choose to pursue him but… well, he was curious about what tools Julien was speaking of. There was no harm in letting him explain further.
But Julien’s head snapped up and he said, “I hear footsteps. This tavern is not private enough for a tryst worthy of the name, and you are not a baroness with your own castle.”
“Why didn’t- why didn’t things work out with the Baroness?” Occtis asked.
“The Duchess reminded that I am not currently in Telmora,” he said. “Expectations weigh heavily in Timmony, it would seem.”
“Are you afraid of her?” Occtis asked, only realizing that Julien might find it insulting after the words had already left his mouth.
But Julien shook his head. “Fear is not the word. She… if a man has reached the age of twenty-nine still unwed, there is likely a reason for it. But certain ladies of station do not like to admit that marriage is not for everyone.” The side of Julien’s mouth tugged upwards in a brief, bitter smile.
“You don’t think you’ll ever get married?” Occtis asked quietly, straining his ears to hear the footsteps that Julien had mentioned.
“I would rather be castrated than be anyone’s husband,” Julien said, with such casual sincerity that Occtis felt too shocked to ask any follow-up questions. Maybe that had been Julien’s plan, as his arm left Occtis’s chest now, releasing him from the hold, and he added, “I will duck out first and find the others.”
Occtis pressed himself back against the wall as Julien slipped carefully away, presumably unseen, but Occtis would still wait for a while before leaving the alcove himself.
He found himself pulling in an unneeded breath, allowing the air to sit uselessly in his lungs. So much had happened today, and now this night. He felt a touch light-headed over it all. He closed his eyes and allowed himself to sink into Pin’s mind, finding that the fox had located Thimble and was currently serving as her throne while she had a conversation with Clauny and the Black Rabbits, giving them advice for dealing with Big Folk.
Occtis let himself get lost in the sounds of the conversation, Thimble’s familiar voice and Clauny’s not-as-familiar but still lovely accent. He needed something normal after…
He understood viscerally now why Baroness Cosgrove had been heartbroken after being turned down by Julien, polite and kind as the rejection had appeared to be from a distance. Getting close enough to Julien had a strange addictive quality to it, as he revealed surprising depths and showed an aptitude for discovering exactly what someone else desired.
Dangerous. That was really fucking dangerous. He had to remind himself that if this was how Julien made everyone feel, then it couldn’t actually be real.
As long as your heart is not engaged. That’s what Julien had said.
Occtis needed to remember that.