Work Text:
Dear Deputy Durland,
Look, man. I know my sister is a bit of a mess. Aren't we all? I'm certainly not above saying I'm definitely messed up- unlike some of us, whom I won't mention for fear of pressuring them to accept themselves.
Hear me out on this. I know you think you're in the right here, sticking me in time-out after biting your hand, but you're really not. Think of the circumstances here; you locked two impressionable teenagers in a jail cell, left them there for, like, three hours, and then came back to separate us! Mabel and I don't know how to live the jail life! It's not our fault that new fudge fountain looked so tasty we had to try and jack it. Clearly, we're both victims here.
It's only natural that I would want to protect my sister, and shame on you for shaming me. You didn't lose a single finger out of this ordeal; and, no, I really don't care about those stitches. What you've done to me is amoral and just plain unbecoming of a Gravity Falls policeman.
Mabel and I are free birds in a dirty city; and you, sir, have just thrown us into a mud puddle. Shame, shame, shame. I hope you're aware that I will have to inform my family of this. For your sake, I hope they'll be in a decent frame of mind when they hear it.
Next time, think before you act. More importantly- give me something sturdier than toilet paper to write my letter on the next time you decide to get cheeky. I hope that, one day, your exit will be aided by a bear, as the great Shakespeare himself would've wanted.
Raging to the core of my very being, which lacks a soul-
Dipper Pines.