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Buck was exhausted. He had finally managed to put Theo down after an hour of trying. And now, sitting in the dark, he was left to his thoughts. Never good.
How could such a tiny child have so much energy? He closed his eyes, a sigh escaping past his lips.
The memory of Chris falling to the floor replayed in his mind over and over. Luckily, he was fine. Maybe a bruise or two would remain on the parts of his body that hit the floor. And of course, their memories of the incident, but the outcome could have been so much worse. And he truly didn't know if he could ever forgive himself if it had been.
What if Christopher had gotten seriously injured? Eddie trusted him with keeping his only son safe. So much so that he even put him in his will. But if he was the one to harm Chris? The one to let down Eddie? He gulped. That was something he didn't even want to think about; the events during the Tsunami had been scary enough. So scary, in fact, that he still had nightmares about them at times.
Theo was his responsibility. That included not only Theo's well-being but also keeping him from doing things he would regret. After all, he did have a lot of energy, and that would inevitably lead to consequences. It was Buck's job to contain those consequences. It was fine if he got hurt, but not anyone else.
But now someone else did end up hurt. What he would give to undo what happened. Wash away Theo's guilt. Just seeing his face drop as he realized what happened, the regret in his eyes. It reminded Buck all too well of his own childhood. Of endless accidents that left collateral damage. And his parents' anger. Oh, so much anger.
He knew that Theo needed some boundaries. But he was scared. Scared of messing that little child up in ways he could never undo. Hell, Theo just lost both of his parents; the last thing he needed was more trauma.
What if he did more harm than good? He groaned, burying his face in his hands, and winced at the sharp pain that cut through his face.
He was in over his head, but he couldn't just change his mind. Theo was in his care now, and he wouldn't let him down. He knew it would be a lot of work; that much was clear after the call that led them to rescue Theo from a literal electricity pylon. But maybe he didn't need to shoulder this alone? Maybe he should ask for help?
He reached blindly for his phone, shocked to see that it was already 9 pm. How long had he been wallowing in self-pity?
His gaze scanned his contacts. Now to the real question: Who could he bother with this?
Maddie already had her hands full with her new job; he wouldn't want to add to that. That meant Chimney was out of the question too, since they were kind of a package deal.
Asking Athena felt kinda weird. Of course, he could always count on her, but just like Maddie, she was busy with her work. Being a detective now would definitely take up a lot of her time.
Maybe he could call Hen. She always had an open ear, and since she and Karen had fostered many kids, she was probably the best person to ask. But if he remembered correctly, she was on a date that evening.
That left Eddie. The obvious choice on any other day, but after what happened a few hours prior, he wasn't sure if Eddie even wanted to hear from him now. What if he rejected the call? It would be completely justified, and exactly what he deserved, but he wasn't sure he could handle it right now.
Unsure of what to do, he stared at Eddie's name. Only one way to find out...
He pressed the call button and held his breath. His phone rang. Once, then twice—
"Buck?" Eddie's voice answered with a hint of concern.
Buck startled so badly that he almost dropped his phone. "H-hey, Eddie. I, uhm, wasn't sure if you would pick up," he chuckled awkwardly, resisting the urge to face-palm. "Listen, I am really sorry about what happened during dinner. Is... is Chris alright?"
There was a beat of silence. "Yeah. Christopher is fine, Buck. Are you?"
"Of course I'm fine. I'm just glad that Theo didn't cause any permanent damage, you know?" He fumbled with the hem of his shirt.
"I don't know, actually, because he kind of did," Eddie said slowly.
Buck's heart dropped. "Wait, hold on. You just said that Chris is fine."
"I wasn't talking about Chris... He isn't the one who landed in the hospital because he was wrestling with a toddler."
"Come on, that was an accident," Buck murmured, though he knew that was part of why he called Eddie in the first place. It just felt wrong to throw Theo under the bus. He didn't know any better.
"So was the situation with Chris," Eddie sighed. "That doesn't mean it's okay, though. He needs some boundaries, Buck."
"I—" Buck started, unsure where to begin. "I know. It's just that I don't know how to set them, you know? He's already been through so much, and I don't want to mess him up any further. I thought it would be fine as long as I was the only one getting hurt, but today he tripped Chris, and I feel so bad about it. A-and—"
"Hold on, slow down. First, take a deep breath," Eddie interrupted. "Second, It's not fine for you to get hurt. You should absolutely not be fine with that, Buck!"
"But he didn't mean to..."
"That doesn't change the fact that you landed in the hospital with a broken nose!" Eddie snapped, then sighed deeply. "I get that you're new to this and scared of messing up. But that is part of the deal. You aren't protecting him by letting him get away with everything. It's gonna come back around and end up causing more problems in the future."
Buck was quiet, turning the words over in his mind. Eddie snapped at him... he must be really angry.
"Look, I'm sorry if I overstepped—"
"No!" Buck said a little too loudly, then immediately quieted down. "No, I—you're right... I think I did need to hear that. It's just that I don't know how to do that. He is such an energetic child, and I don't want him to feel like something's wrong with him because of it. I don't want him to feel like he's broken..."
A pause followed on the other end of the line before Eddie spoke again, sounding curt. "Listen, why don't you try to get some early sleep?"
"Yeah, maybe I should," Buck agreed easily. "Thanks, Eddie."
"Anytime," Eddie replied, then hung up.
Buck felt a pang in his heart. At least Eddie didn't outright ignore his call, but toward the end, it seemed like he wished he had. Maybe he shouldn't have called Eddie regarding this. It was kinda presumptuous after Theo almost maimed Christopher.
How typical of him to get in over his head and mess everything up. Not only couldn't he handle a toddler, but he also effectively sabotaged his relationships with the most important people in his life. He stared down at his phone, lips pressed tightly together.
Maybe he should get some sleep. Although he doubted he could fall asleep with his mind running in circles. So it would only end with him lying in bed, trying to sleep, while his thoughts pulled him further into the hole they were heading toward.
Maybe setting up his laptop was the better, more productive option. So he spent the next few minutes researching how to establish boundaries with a toddler, while still meeting their needs. Turns out quite a lot of parents, especially first-time ones, worry they're doing it all wrong.
Huh, he didn't expect that. He could swear all the parents he knew didn't have those worries, or they at least didn't talk to Buck about them. Sure, Eddie had relied on him for help at times, but that was different.
His phone vibrated, ripping him out of his research.
He frowned at the caller ID as he picked up. "Eddie?" he asked, confused.
"Good, you're still awake. Mind opening the door for me?"
To say that Buck was confused would be an understatement. "What?"
"Your door. I didn't want to ring the bell and risk waking up Theo."
"Uh-huh," Buck brought out as he made his way to the front door.
With his phone to his ear, he opened the door to find Eddie standing in front of him. He was holding up a six-pack of beer in one hand, as if that would answer anything. "Can I come in?" he finally asked when Buck didn't move to let him inside.
Snapping out of his trance, Buck stepped aside, dropping his hand to his side, still holding on to his phone. "I, uh, guess?"
"Is that a question?" Eddie chuckled as he walked past him.
"No, I'm just surprised to see you here."
He closed the door and followed Eddie, who was already heading to the living room, where his laptop was still open... Before he could even think about hiding what he was looking at, Eddie's gaze dropped to the still-open website.
"That's nothing important," Buck immediately said, hastily shutting his laptop to keep Eddie from reading further.
His expression told him he had seen enough already. "Beer?" Eddie asked, handing him one without waiting for an answer.
"Thanks," Buck said, then sat down next to Eddie, wasting no time to take the first sip.
Eddie followed suit, and for a moment they sat in silence, simply enjoying each other's presence. From the corner of his eye, he could tell something was on Eddie's mind. He sat rigid beside him, gripping his bottle tightly.
"So, what brings you here?" Buck asked carefully.
Eddie took another sip before answering. "It just seemed like you shouldn't be alone right now."
"I..." Buck started. "What? I mean, don't get it the wrong way; I appreciate the company, but what do you mean?"
"Don't do this, Buck."
"Do what?"
"Act like you're fine when you're not."
Startled, Buck let out a laugh. "What? I am fine, Eddie."
"You're not. You're setting your own expectations too high, trying to do everything on your own when you should be relying on the people around you. It's hard to raise a toddler on your own. I should know," Eddie sighed.
Buck was dumbfounded. "I thought you were mad at me," he admitted quietly, keeping his gaze on the bottle in his hands.
"I'm worried!" Eddie groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose. "You shouldn't feel like you have to raise Theo on your own. I am right here, Buck! Rely on me. Let me do for you what you have done for me all of these years."
Buck tightened his grip on his bottle. "I need to prove that I can do it on my own!"
"Prove to whom?"
"To myself! I need to prove that my parents were wrong. That it's not difficult to love a child like that! That I deserved their love, unconditionally..."
"Oh, Buck..." Eddie whispered, oh so quietly. "That's not something you need to prove. There was never anything wrong with you."
Buck swallowed against the lump in his throat and blinked the tears away. "How would you know?" he whispered back just as quietly, hoping Eddie didn't hear the crack in his voice.
"Because," Eddie said, taking his face in his hands. "I know. You, Evan Buckley, are the most lovable dork I have ever met. And I don't know what I would do without you anymore."
With nowhere else to look, Buck stared into those sincere brown eyes. He couldn't help but drop his gaze to Eddie's lips. He was so close. "I—" Buck mustered, forcing his gaze back up. "I'm really glad to have you in my life as well, Eddie."
A smile spread across Eddie's face. "Good. Then let me help you, Buck. There is no shame in admitting that you can't do something on your own. Just look at Chris. We did that. Together. So stop worrying so much about messing up with Theo, when you have done this all before."
"That's different," Buck admitted, averting his gaze.
"Hey, none of that," Eddie reprimanded. "Look at me and tell me how this is different."
"With Chris there was never this kind of responsibility, but with Theo..."
"So you're saying that you were half-assing it with Chris because he isn't your own son?" Eddie asked, raising an eyebrow as if daring him.
"Come on, you know that's not what I meant. I love Christopher! I would have never deliberately put him in harm's way," Buck protested.
"Exactly." Eddie smiled softly, and Buck didn't miss his hesitation. "And that's why I love you, Buck."
Buck froze, staring at Eddie, wide-eyed. "You... mean that in a platonic way, right?"
Eddie slowly dropped his hands, his gaze flickering back and forth, like he was ready to bolt.
Without thinking, Buck grabbed Eddie's wrist. "Eddie?" His heart pounded in his chest, nervous about what he would get for an answer. He couldn't help but feel a flicker of hope.
"I thought so for the longest time..." Eddie started. "But don't feel like you have to—"
"I love you too, Eddie," Buck just blurted out, unable to hold it back any longer. "Romantically, I mean!"
"Buck, you don't have to..."
"I don't have to what? Tell you how I really feel? Because it's true, Eddie. I love you. Probably have for a long time; I just never imagined you would actually return my feelings," Buck whispered.
For a beat, it was quiet. They just stared at one another, unsure what to do now, scared to overstep.
Until Buck couldn't take it anymore. "Can I kiss you?" he asked, and held his breath.
He could see the way Eddie gulped before slowly nodding his head.
Slowly, fearing he'd mess up, Buck bridged the distance. He stopped an inch from Eddie's lips, feeling his warm breath against his own lips. It smelled like beer, and all of a sudden it felt too surreal. Like this was all just a dream, and Buck would wake up at any moment. He hesitated.
A hand ran through Buck's hair, carefully, as if not to break the illusion. His breath hitched. Maybe this was actually happening. With one hand, he reached out and gripped Eddie's neck.
Then, like a spell had been broken, their lips met. It happened gently. Not like Buck had always imagined. But Eddie's lips were so soft, and he wanted more. He pulled Eddie closer and deepened the kiss, searching for more. Needing Eddie closer after waiting so long for this moment.
Eddie tugged at his hair, and he couldn't help the moan that tangled in their kiss. Cursing under his breath, Eddie broke the kiss. Their heavy breathing filled the air between them, and Buck couldn't stop staring. Stare at his best friend. No—not friend; friends do not kiss.
Buck blinked. "So, what does this mean? For us, I mean..."
Eddie laughed under his breath. "Seriously?"
"I-I mean, you're still my best friend, but, uh—"
Eddie kissed him again, effectively shutting him up. He melted into the kiss, wondering why they hadn't done this sooner. He wanted to explore every inch and memorize it, and then do it all over again.