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For most of his life, Fan Xiao had considered himself an exceptionally intelligent man. He could predict other people's behavior before they had even decided what they intended to do; he could conduct negotiations so skillfully that his opponents left satisfied even when they had just lost everything; and he could smile with such impeccable politeness that no one suspected he was already devising a plan to destroy the person sitting across from him. Over the years, he had perfected that ability, learning to exploit other people's weaknesses, desires, ambitions, fears, and hopes. He knew that people were predictable if one devoted enough time to observing them. He knew that everyone had a price, even if it could not always be expressed in money. He also knew that carefully chosen words could wound more effectively than a knife, because a wound inflicted by a blade would heal sooner or later, whereas a single sentence spoken by the right person could remain in someone's memory for a lifetime.
For a long time, he had been proud of himself, almost shamelessly so, because success came easily to him, and other people's helplessness in the face of his decisions seemed the simplest confirmation of his own exceptional nature. At least, that was how things had been before he discovered that there was one person in whose presence none of those impressive skills could protect him from himself. Now, sitting alone in the living room of the apartment he had once again been sharing with You Shulang for several weeks, Fan Xiao was beginning to suspect that all his intelligence was merely an extraordinarily elaborate means of concealing the fact that he was, in reality, a complete idiot. Not an ordinary idiot who made foolish mistakes, forgot important appointments, or bought the wrong kind of milk, either, but a very particular kind of idiot, blessed with enough intelligence, money, and influence to turn every single mistake into a catastrophe on a scale an ordinary person could never achieve, even with their greatest effort.
The lamp beside the sofa cast a cool sheen across the tabletop. Somewhere beyond the window, the city continued moving forward: cars stopped at traffic lights, someone walked a dog, and a kitchen cupboard closed in the neighboring apartment. That ordinariness grated on Fan Xiao's nerves more than any dramatic setting could have. In the past, he could turn a minor incident into an operation requiring money, people, and carefully prepared lies. Now he could not find an answer to a much simpler question: how not to ruin the evening of the man who would be coming home any moment. A sheet of paper lay on the table before him, remarkably innocent considering how long Fan Xiao had hesitated before daring to put the first mark on it.
An ordinary white sheet, torn from the notebook he usually used during business meetings. At first, Fan Xiao had intended merely to write down a few things he ought to improve about his behavior. A handful of small observations, something resembling a private personal-development plan, because You Shulang had given him another chance and he had no intention of wasting it. Not after everything that had happened between them. Not after two years of loneliness, during which he had woken every morning feeling as though someone had left an empty space inside his chest that nothing could ever fill. Not after all those nights when he dreamed of the man he had nearly destroyed, the man he himself had pushed away, and woke with his hands clenched in the bedsheets because even in his dreams he could not make him stay.
He wanted to be better; not in that convenient sense in which improvement meant nothing more than adopting a more effective strategy, but genuinely, even if no one intended to reward him for the effort. For You Shulang, of course, but perhaps also so that one day he could look his beloved in the eyes without instinctively searching for somewhere to hide yet another lie. The problem was that once he began considering his flaws, the list proved disturbingly long. Fan Xiao looked at the words he had written and frowned.
Liar.
Manipulator.
Vindictive.
Jealous.
Possessive.
Selfish.
Cruel.
Dangerous.
Incapable of expressing affection normally.
He added that last item after a moment's consideration and then underlined it twice, because it seemed particularly important. When normal people fell in love, they bought flowers, invited their beloved on dates, learned about their interests, and tried to make them happy. When Fan Xiao fell in love, he first destroyed the man's existing relationship, then built his own relationship upon lies, and when everything began falling apart, he tried to keep his beloved beside him using methods he should not have employed even against his worst enemy.
It wasn't that he couldn't recognize tenderness when he saw it in others. He could name every gesture, recognize its meaning, and calculate precisely when to make it. The problem began only when he stopped treating the other person as the recipient of a carefully planned action and had to acknowledge that their happiness might take an entirely different form from the one he had imagined. Fan Xiao knew how to give gifts. What came much harder was allowing the recipient the right to refuse them. Really, and that realization was the most irritating part of all. What exactly was wrong with him that he could negotiate the terms of a contract without hesitation yet could not offer the man he loved safety without attempting to control him?
Fan Xiao rubbed a hand over his face, feeling something unpleasant tighten in his stomach. For a moment, he considered lighting a cigarette, but remembered that You Shulang had recently complained about the smell of smoke in the living room, so he put the pack of Rouge back where it belonged. Instead, he picked up his pen and continued writing, because having decided to conduct an honest assessment of his own character, he was not about to deceive himself. He was a businessman, after all. He knew that the worst mistake one could make when evaluating an investment was to ignore inconvenient information, and if he was to be completely honest with himself, entering a relationship with him was like investing in a company that had already declared bankruptcy several times, burned its financial records, and attempted to murder the auditor.
The auditor, naturally, was You Shulang, the only person whose judgment Fan Xiao truly feared, even though none of the figures presented could possibly surprise him anymore. And Fan Xiao was only now beginning to realize that if their relationship were a company, he himself would recommend its immediate liquidation. He let out a heavy sigh, running a fingertip along the edge of the paper until its sharp fibers gently irritated his skin. He added another item.
Inability to make rational decisions concerning You Shulang.
That seemed the most serious of all, because unlike many of his other flaws, it could not be confined to the past and safely locked away in the past tense. Fan Xiao could be intelligent, cunning, and extraordinarily effective in everything he did, but all it took was for You Shulang to come within a few meters of him and every one of those abilities began working against him. His common sense disappeared. His patience evaporated. Every stranger who dared smile at You Shulang a little too warmly immediately became a potential threat, while any situation in which he could not control his beloved's surroundings filled him with an unpleasant sensation, as though someone were slowly tightening their fingers around his throat.
There was nothing normal about any of it, although for years Fan Xiao had tried to portray his behavior as an especially devoted form of concern. He knew that perfectly well, and knowing it did not make changing any easier. Worse still, he had known part of the truth from the very beginning, back when he could still have stopped himself, before all his decisions began weighing upon another person. And yet he had not stopped; that was precisely the accusation against which he could not find a single credible defense.
He looked at another sheet on which he had begun recording not so much his flaws as specific events from the past. The accidental collision between their cars that had started their acquaintance. His absurd desire for revenge over a few wasted minutes. The later accident he had arranged himself. Lu Zhen. Every smile, polite gesture, and word he had spoken while knowing perfectly well what effect he intended to achieve. Lies he had repeated for so long that he had almost begun to believe them himself. Jealousy he called love when he did not yet know how to distinguish one from the other. His fear of losing You Shulang, which, rather than inspiring honesty, had made him tighten his grip even further.
And finally, what he had done to the man he supposedly loved more than his own life. Fan Xiao slowly set down his pen, cautiously, as though a more abrupt movement might scatter the scraps of composure he had left after this peculiar confession. For a moment, he stared at the written pages, unable to focus on any particular word. He knew You Shulang had forgiven him. He knew because he had heard it directly from his lips, because he had felt his hand against his cheek and seen something in his eyes that for two years he had not even dared to imagine. He knew he had been given a second chance, that You Shulang had chosen to look toward the future instead of returning endlessly to the past.
What he feared most was not the words "I don't forgive you," but the possibility that one day You Shulang would say "I forgive you" with the kind of calm people used when saying goodbye. Fan Xiao knew the difference between accepting an apology and deciding to stay, although for many years he had acted as though the first inevitably required the second. Now he no longer dared demand even that his beloved sit at the same table with him. And yet You Shulang did it every morning: he put a mug in front of him, asked about his plans, straightened his collar before leaving. And yet it was that very forgiveness that contained the thing Fan Xiao found most incomprehensible, something harder to accept than any punishment. Because Fan Xiao understood perfectly well why someone might hate him. He understood fear. He understood resentment. He understood anger, the desire for revenge, and the need to distance oneself from someone who had caused us pain. All those emotions were logical, predictable, exploitable. He could defend himself against them, control them, and accept their existence.
What he could not understand was why You Shulang still loved him, although he had never questioned his right to be angry or to leave. And that was why, when he heard a key turning in the lock, instead of feeling the usual happiness at the thought of his beloved returning, Fan Xiao was seized by a sudden, utterly irrational surge of panic. Because You Shulang had come back. To him. Of his own free will. Which meant either that You Shulang had made the greatest mistake of his life, or that Fan Xiao was missing something extraordinarily important. Fan Xiao had always hated things he did not understand, but this time he had no intention of disposing of the problem or forcing it into a more convenient shape. You Shulang had had a long day, one of those that settled into the shoulders as the weight of unspoken remarks and into the temples as a dull, steady throbbing.
It had not been a particularly unpleasant day, but it definitely belonged to the sort that made a person dream of a hot shower, comfortable clothes, and the chance to spend at least a few hours without answering questions whose answers were contained in documents distributed to everyone concerned the previous week. Working with people required patience, and You Shulang had plenty of it, but even his patience had limits. Especially when an employee asked for the third time about something explained on the very first page of the report. On his way home, You Shulang bought something for dinner and spent several minutes wondering whether he ought to call Fan Xiao, though in the end he decided against it. He liked arriving without warning, because in those brief moments after crossing the threshold he found the truth of their life together: not the spectacular truth expressed in dramatic declarations, but the simple kind contained in an extra pair of slippers, the lights glowing in the living room, and the knowledge that someone was waiting.
That was why, when he finally opened the apartment door, the first thing he noticed was the silence. Not the ordinary silence of an empty apartment, to which years of living alone had accustomed him, but that particular, troubling silence that always appeared whenever Fan Xiao was home but for some reason did not come out to greet him. You Shulang knew that silence so well that he could distinguish it from ordinary peace before he had even taken off his coat. He also knew the man responsible for it, and remembered how much effort it had taken to learn that not every silence meant another lie.
And although Fan Xiao was capable of behaving like a perfectly mannered, extraordinarily composed gentleman whom nothing in the world could unsettle, You Shulang had discovered that his beloved actually possessed the temperament of an exceptionally temperamental predator. He could be patient when patience helped him achieve his goal. He could be gentle when gentleness worked to his advantage. He could even behave reasonably, although that final ability disappeared with alarming regularity whenever their relationship was involved. You Shulang took off his shoes, hung up his coat, and headed for the living room. He found Fan Xiao sitting on the sofa. Head bowed. Several sheets of paper spread out before him. And wearing the expression of a man who had just learned that his company had lost all its assets, his accounts had been frozen, and the only person he truly loved had decided to leave without a word. You Shulang stopped in the doorway. For several seconds he studied him carefully. Then he looked at the papers. Then back at Fan Xiao.
"What did you do?"
Fan Xiao flinched so violently that he might have been caught at the scene of a crime.
"Shulang!"
His face changed instantly. A familiar, gentle smile appeared on his lips, his back straightened, and his gaze acquired that particular warmth Fan Xiao could summon almost at will. If You Shulang had not known him so well, he would probably have assumed everything was fine. The problem was that he knew him far too well, and had also seen Fan Xiao discreetly attempt to slide one sheet of paper beneath the others. That was enough for the familiar suspicion to return to his face without any need for further questions. You Shulang narrowed his eyes.
"Fan Xiao."
"Yes, darling?"
"What did you do?"
"Nothing."
You Shulang sighed. It wasn't even an irritated sigh, but rather the deep, exhausted breath of a man who had just realized that after an entire day of resolving professional problems, yet another problem awaited him, a considerably more complicated one because it had legs of its own, an exceptionally handsome face, and a tendency to make catastrophic decisions. He approached the table. Fan Xiao watched him with mounting unease. You Shulang picked up the first sheet. Read it. Raised his eyebrows. Read the second. And then the third.
He remained silent for quite some time while Fan Xiao sat motionless, feeling his heart beat faster and faster. He had not wanted You Shulang to see this. Not because he intended to hide his thoughts from him, but because he had suddenly realized how absurdly pathetic his behavior must look. A grown man who had managed enormous sums of money for years and repeatedly made decisions affecting hundreds of people's lives was sitting in his own living room, compiling a list of reasons why his boyfriend should leave him. You Shulang did not turn the pages hastily. He read each sentence with the same precision he brought to examining documents at work, although his fingers lingered a little longer on one word. Fan Xiao recognized that tiny change. Ordinarily, he could have interpreted it as hesitation, drawn conclusions, and steered the conversation accordingly. This time he sat with empty hands, making no attempt to take the papers away.
In his own eyes, he looked pathetic, although nobody had demanded that he add that judgment to the margin as well. Really, and that realization was the most irritating part of all. Naturally, the thought of adding it to the list immediately occurred to him, which only deepened his embarrassment.
"Unbelievable."
Fan Xiao lowered his eyes. He knew. Of course he knew.
"Shulang, I..."
"Unbelievable," You Shulang repeated, this time with considerably more disbelief. "Did you actually write here that you're incapable of expressing affection normally?"
Fan Xiao swallowed.
"It's true."
"And this?" You Shulang raised the second page. "A danger to those around you?"
"You can't deny it."
"Selfish?"
"Yes."
"Possessive?"
"Yes."
"Manipulator?"
Fan Xiao hesitated for only a moment.
"Yes."
You Shulang slowly set down the page. He studied him carefully.
"Fan Xiao, have you just prepared a report on why I shouldn't be dating you?"
Silence. Fan Xiao opened his mouth. Closed it. Then, apparently deciding that lying would be an especially unfortunate choice under the circumstances, nodded. You Shulang closed his eyes. For a moment, he looked as though he were trying to locate the patience he had probably left at the office.
"I see."
"Shulang..."
"No, really. I see." You Shulang sat in the armchair opposite him, placed the papers on his knees, and regarded his beloved with the expression of a man preparing for an exceptionally unpleasant business meeting. "Go on."
Fan Xiao blinked.
"What?"
"Go on. Since you've prepared such a detailed report, I'd like to hear all your conclusions."
This was not what Fan Xiao had expected. He had expected anger. Disappointment. Perhaps even that particular chill You Shulang could display when he was genuinely hurt. He had expected his beloved to remember all the wrongs Fan Xiao had done him and conclude that forgiving him had been a mistake. He had certainly not expected You Shulang to sit opposite him and request a presentation of the report. But Fan Xiao was a man who could not refuse You Shulang. Especially now.
"I'm a bad person," he began quietly, clasping his hands in his lap. "I always have been. I use people. I lie when it suits me. I can be cruel even without any particular reason. I hate losing, and I can't accept situations in which someone refuses to give me what I want. I'm jealous, possessive, and dangerously quick to lose control when it comes to you."
You Shulang listened in silence. Fan Xiao felt his throat tightening, but continued, because once he had begun, he had no intention of backing out. Saying these things aloud proved different from writing them on paper. Letters were still and obedient; they could be crossed out, the notebook closed, and revisited once a person had caught his breath. Words spoken in front of You Shulang would also belong to his memory. Fan Xiao had no right to decide what his beloved would do with them, and perhaps that was precisely why he kept speaking.
"I destroyed your relationship with Lu Zhen. I used Lu Zhen to hurt you. I pretended to be someone I wasn't so you'd trust me. I engineered situations in which I could appear beside you as a trustworthy man even though I was responsible for some of your problems myself. I arranged an accident because I couldn't stand the thought of losing control of something. I lied to you. I manipulated you. I made you suffer, and afterward I tried to keep you with me instead of letting you go."
His voice grew quieter and quieter. Not because he wanted to inspire sympathy. All his life, Fan Xiao had known perfectly well how to use his own weakness to provoke a particular response in others. He could feign remorse, look defenseless, speak in precisely the right tone, and lower his eyes in such a way that even the most distrustful people began to pity him. But he did not want to do that now. Not in front of You Shulang. Not after everything he had promised him.
"I'm not someone you should love."
He said the words so quietly that they almost vanished into the space between them. And then he fell silent. For a long while, nothing could be heard in the living room except the distant hum of cars passing along the street. Fan Xiao sat motionless, staring at his own hands, and for the first time in a very long time did not attempt to predict what would happen next. He had no strength for it. Not even the desire. All he felt was an overwhelming exhaustion that had nothing to do with work or lack of sleep, but with the constant fear that one day You Shulang would look at him truly closely and finally see everything Fan Xiao had seen in himself for so long. And then he would leave. Again. This time forever.
"I see."
Fan Xiao felt his heart contract painfully inside his chest. You Shulang set the papers on the table. Then he leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees.
"Now it's my turn."
Fan Xiao slowly raised his eyes. You Shulang was looking at him calmly. Too calmly.
"First of all, I never claimed you were a good person."
You Shulang made no attempt to soften what he was about to say. He remembered that period too clearly to pretend a few successful weeks together could cancel out years of painful consequences. He still had his own boundaries, his own anger, and moments when the past returned without warning. The fact that he loved Fan Xiao again did not make him blind or helpless. On the contrary, for the first time it mattered to him that Fan Xiao truly understand that. Fan Xiao blinked. It hurt. Even if it was true.
"Second, I know perfectly well what you did. I don't need a reminder. I was there, Fan Xiao. I was the one you lied to. I was the one you hurt. I was the one who had to live with the consequences of your decisions afterward. You're not the only person who remembers our past."
Fan Xiao nodded slowly.
"Yes."
"Third, if you ever do anything like that again, I won't sit quietly and wait for you to finish. I'm not going to excuse your lies as love or let you make my decisions for me. Do you understand?"
"I understand."
"Good."
You Shulang leaned back in his chair. For a brief moment, he regarded Fan Xiao with the expression of a man who had just finished the most difficult part of a conversation and intended to move on to something far more personal.
"Now tell me, who gave you permission to insult my man?"
Fan Xiao froze. He looked at him. Then at the papers. Then back at You Shulang.
"What?"
"I asked who gave you permission to insult my man."
Fan Xiao opened his mouth. For a moment, he genuinely had no idea what to say. It was such a rare experience that if any of his former colleagues could have seen him then, they would probably have concluded that the world was coming to an end.
"Shulang, I'm talking about myself."
"I know."
"Then..."
"Then why are you insulting my boyfriend?"
Fan Xiao stared at him in disbelief. You Shulang raised his eyebrows.
"Didn't you hear the question?"
"Shulang, this isn't..."
"Fan Xiao."
"Yes?"
"Don't change the subject."
Fan Xiao closed his mouth. He had no idea what had just happened, and for the first time in ages he was unsure whether he should defend himself against that ignorance or simply allow his beloved to lead the conversation. Only minutes earlier he had been convinced their relationship was approaching another catastrophe, and now You Shulang was sitting opposite him looking genuinely irritated that someone had dared say something unpleasant about his boyfriend. That someone was Fan Xiao. The boyfriend was also Fan Xiao. The situation was beginning to resemble one of those absurd legal cases in which the prosecutor, the defendant, and the witness were all the same person. And You Shulang apparently intended to win the case.
"Listen to me carefully," he said calmly, although something dangerously firm had entered his gaze. "I don't love you because I think you're a perfect person. I don't love you because I've forgotten everything you did. And I certainly don't love you because I'm too stupid to recognize your flaws."
He spoke each successive sentence without raising his voice. He had no need to. Fan Xiao could have endured shouting, because shouting left behind a convenient chaos in which a person could hide. But he had no defense against the calm of a man who was not begging him to improve, was not using forgiveness as leverage, and did not need his consent to call things by their proper names. Fan Xiao shook his head sharply.
"I've never thought you were stupid."
"Then stop acting as though I'm incapable of deciding for myself who I want to spend my life with."
Those words struck him harder than anything that had come before. Because Fan Xiao had truly never considered You Shulang stupid. Quite the opposite. From the beginning, he had been fascinated by his intelligence, composure, and ability to analyze situations and make decisions without surrendering to emotion. He admired his sense of responsibility, his capacity to care for others, and that particular inner strength that no amount of money could buy. And yet now, when You Shulang had made a decision Fan Xiao could not understand, he had begun behaving as though his beloved did not know what he was doing. As though his love were a mistake. As though Fan Xiao had more right to decide what would make You Shulang happy than You Shulang himself. That was... Oh. Oh, no. Of course: another flaw, he thought with almost automatic horror. Fan Xiao instinctively glanced toward the pen lying on the table. You Shulang noticed.
"Don't you dare."
Fan Xiao went still.
"What?"
"Don't you dare add another item."
"But..."
"Fan Xiao."
"Yes, darling?"
"One more word and I really will get angry."
Fan Xiao closed his mouth. You Shulang studied him for a moment, then sighed slowly and rose from the chair. Instead of leaving, however, he approached the sofa, stopped in front of his beloved, and reached out to take his chin between his fingers. He made Fan Xiao lift his head, and when their eyes met, his expression softened. Slightly. Just a little. Enough, however, for Fan Xiao to feel familiar warmth spreading somewhere deep beneath his ribs.
"You're jealous," You Shulang said.
Fan Xiao nodded.
"Yes."
"You're possessive."
"Yes."
"You can be insufferable."
"...Yes."
"You have an awful personality."
Fan Xiao sighed.
"I know."
"And sometimes I want to strangle you."
Fan Xiao lowered his gaze. You Shulang's fingers tightened a fraction.
"But you're also the man who remembers what I like to eat. Who can spend an hour in the kitchen making dinner even though you could order from the best restaurant in the city. Who recently spent half the night checking whether I had a fever because I sneezed twice over dinner. Who notices the tiniest change in my mood even before I notice it myself."
Fan Xiao blinked.
"That's not..."
"I haven't finished."
Fan Xiao closed his mouth again. You Shulang brushed his thumb over his cheek.
"You're a man who can be ruthless, but who has learned to stop himself when he sees his behavior might hurt me. Who is afraid of losing me, but despite that fear let me make my own decision. Who spent two years learning to live without everything he once took for granted, and still managed to find the strength to try again."
Fan Xiao listened as though his beloved were talking about a stranger. He remembered all those evenings and mornings You Shulang mentioned, but he would never have counted them as achievements. Preparing a meal seemed trivial; checking someone's temperature, obvious; and remembering that his beloved liked a particular flavor of tea took not the slightest effort. Only now did he understand that You Shulang wasn't listing his accomplishments. He was showing him the ordinary evidence of a presence that did not have to hurt anyone. Fan Xiao felt something constrict in his throat.
"Shulang..."
"I'm not saying any of that erases the past. It doesn't. But I won't let you pretend that everything you are can be reduced to the worst things you've ever done."
His voice was calm. Firm. Free of that excessive gentleness Fan Xiao so often tried to coax out of others. And that was precisely why it sounded true.
"You're no saint. You never were. But you're my man. My partner. The person I chose because I love him. And I won't let anyone speak of him as though he's worthless."
You Shulang leaned closer. Only a few centimeters separated their faces.
"Not even you."
Fan Xiao stared at him, wide-eyed. He had heard many things throughout his life. Compliments, flattery, threats, accusations, and declarations whose sincerity he could judge with a single glance. People had told him he was exceptional, intelligent, handsome, and worthy of admiration. They had told him they needed him, that they could not manage without him, that he was the most important person in their world. But nobody had ever said anything like this. Nobody had ever stood between him and his own self-hatred. Nobody had ever looked directly at all his worst qualities and said they could see them clearly but would not allow them to become the only truth about him. Fan Xiao felt his eyes begin to sting. It was embarrassing. Really, and that realization was the most irritating part of all. He was not going to cry. He was not a child. He was a grown man who...
"Fan Xiao."
"...Yes?"
"If you're wondering whether crying is another flaw you ought to add to your list, I swear I'll throw that notebook out the window."
Fan Xiao made a strange noise, somewhere between laughter and a strangled sob. You Shulang sighed. Then, to Fan Xiao's complete astonishment, he settled onto his lap. For a second, Fan Xiao was afraid to move, although for years he had reached without hesitation for anything he wanted. You Shulang's presence was warm, familiar, and unlike any of his obsessive fantasies about reclaiming the happiness he had lost. In those imaginings, everything depended on his persistence. Here, You Shulang moved his hand to Fan Xiao's shoulder of his own accord, adjusted his position, and looked at him with irritation so affectionate that Fan Xiao felt a sudden urge to laugh. Not beside him. Not at the other end of the sofa.
Directly on his lap, one leg on either side of his hips, arms resting on his shoulders, his face so close that Fan Xiao could smell the familiar scent of wild roses. The same scent that had haunted his dreams for two years, that he had tried to find in the clothes You Shulang had left behind, and that he sometimes thought he caught on the street, making him instinctively turn his head and search the crowd for the man he no longer had any right to keep. Now that man was sitting on his lap. Willingly. And he looked increasingly irritated.
"Look at me."
Fan Xiao obediently raised his eyes. You Shulang lowered his head.
"Fuck off. I love you."
Fan Xiao blinked. Once. Twice. And then, quite against his will, he burst out laughing. It was not the elegant, polite laughter with which he usually responded to his business partners' jokes. Nor was it that particular low chuckle he used when he had managed to push someone to the limits of their patience. It was genuine, startled, and a little desperate, because Fan Xiao had just heard the strangest declaration of love in his life, delivered by a man who had apparently decided that the best way to comfort his beloved was to tell him to fuck off. You Shulang frowned.
"What's so funny?"
"You."
"Me?"
"Yes."
"Fan Xiao..."
"I love you."
You Shulang fell silent. Fan Xiao smiled more broadly, although his eyes were still uncomfortably wet.
"I really love you."
For a moment, You Shulang simply looked at him. Then he sighed.
"Of course you love me. Otherwise you wouldn't be sitting here preparing a three-page report about your own unsuitability as a partner."
Fan Xiao laughed again. And You Shulang, apparently deciding that he had achieved at least part of his intended effect, leaned down and kissed him. It was not a particularly gentle kiss. Nor was it like the careful, almost shy kisses they had exchanged in the first days after their reunion, when each of them had been trying to relearn the other's boundaries. You Shulang kissed him with all the determination he possessed, one hand holding the back of his neck while the other clenched around his shirt collar. Fan Xiao remained motionless for a brief moment, surprised by the sudden turn of events, but when he felt the familiar warmth of his beloved's lips, his body reacted faster than his mind. His arms instinctively wrapped around You Shulang's waist, drawing him closer until there was almost no space left between them.
This was dangerous. Fan Xiao knew it was. Because You Shulang absolutely should not be sitting on his lap, kissing him like that, and expecting him to remain reasonable. Especially when, only a few minutes earlier, Fan Xiao had been convinced he was about to lose him forever.
"Shulang..."
"Hmm?"
"If you keep kissing me like that, I might lose control."
You Shulang drew back a little. Looked into his eyes. Then smiled that particular, barely perceptible smile Fan Xiao had learned to recognize as a warning of exceptionally serious trouble.
"Then ask."
Fan Xiao froze. He looked at him without speaking for a moment. Then slowly moved his hand along his back, stopping at his waist.
"May I kiss you?"
You Shulang raised an eyebrow.
"You're already kissing me."
"May I kiss you again?"
"You may."
Fan Xiao immediately took advantage of the permission. This time the kiss was slower, deeper, and much more greedy. Fan Xiao knew the taste of You Shulang's lips, knew how his breathing changed when they were close, knew the slight tension that appeared in his shoulders when he tried to preserve his composure. He knew these things and loved them all with an intensity he still could not control, but this time he had no intention of using that knowledge to force any particular response. He only wanted to feel that You Shulang was really here, that his warmth would not disappear when Fan Xiao opened his eyes, and that the hands clutching his shirt belonged to a man who had consciously chosen to come back to him.
You Shulang only pulled away when both of them needed air. His cheeks were faintly flushed. Fan Xiao decided he had never seen anything more beautiful in his life. Then You Shulang reached for a sheet of paper on the table. Fan Xiao immediately stiffened.
"Shulang..."
"Relax."
"What are you going to do?"
"Correct your report."
Fan Xiao stared at him in growing disbelief. You Shulang picked up the pen Fan Xiao had used to document his own flaws and turned the sheet over. He considered something for a moment, then began writing, completely ignoring the fact that he was sitting on the lap of a man whose hands were still resting on his hips. Fan Xiao tried to peer over his shoulder. You Shulang lightly tapped his forehead with the pen.
"No peeking."
Fan Xiao obediently leaned his head back. For a moment, he studied his beloved's concentrated face, his slightly furrowed brows, and the lips pressed together in an expression of absolute focus. There was something absurdly adorable about it. You Shulang could treat even the most ridiculous situations with the seriousness of a man preparing paperwork for the signing of a multimillion-dollar contract. And Fan Xiao, who only fifteen minutes earlier had been considering all the reasons he did not deserve to be loved, suddenly began wondering whether he could persuade You Shulang to remain on his lap for the rest of the evening. He probably could. If he asked properly. Perhaps even without asking. No. No; he was supposed to behave better, and better now meant, above all, learning that asking was not a sign of defeat. Fan Xiao sighed. You Shulang gave him a suspicious look.
"What now?"
"Nothing."
"Fan Xiao."
"I was just wondering whether I could hold you."
You Shulang blinked. Then his expression softened.
"You can."
Fan Xiao immediately wrapped his arms around him more tightly, burying his face in the hollow of his neck. He felt warm skin against his cheek, the familiar scent of perfume, and the delicate movement of muscles as You Shulang shifted to find a more comfortable position. It was all so ordinary, so absurdly simple, that for a moment Fan Xiao wanted to cry again. He did not hurry, although his instincts urged him to hold tighter, close his arms, and make certain nothing could interrupt the moment. Instead, he allowed his hands to stay where they were, and only after a moment felt You Shulang lower his own head and rest his cheek against Fan Xiao's hair. There was something more difficult than any negotiation in this: accepting closeness without trying to prove that one had earned it. But this time it wasn't because he was afraid. This time it was because he was happy in a way that almost physically hurt, without the caution to which he had become accustomed.
"Done."
You Shulang put down the pen. Fan Xiao reluctantly lifted his head. He looked at the paper. At the very top, written in large letters, were the words:
PROHIBITION AGAINST DEFAMING YOU SHULANG'S PARTNER.
Below were several clauses written in neat, elegant handwriting. Fan Xiao read the first.
Protected person: Fan Xiao.
The second.
Scope of protection: all unjustified attempts to belittle, insult, or question the worth of the aforementioned man.
The third.
Exception: constructive criticism of behavior necessary for continued personal growth.
The fourth.
Party authorized to enforce these provisions: You Shulang.
And finally, the last.
Penalty for violation: to be determined individually by You Shulang.
Fan Xiao read everything twice. Then he lifted his eyes.
"Shulang."
"Yes?"
"Have you just drafted regulations concerning my good name?"
"Yes."
"With penalties?"
"Yes."
Fan Xiao looked at the paper again. Then at his beloved. A smile slowly appeared on his lips. That particular smile You Shulang had learned not to trust.
"What kind of penalties?"
You Shulang narrowed his eyes.
"Fan Xiao."
"Yes, darling?"
"No."
"I haven't even asked anything yet."
"That's exactly why I'm saying no."
Fan Xiao laughed softly. He moved his hands along You Shulang's back, drawing him closer, then lowered his head and pressed a kiss just beneath his ear. He felt You Shulang instinctively straighten his back and smiled more broadly, because despite all the changes between them, some things remained unchanged. You Shulang still reacted to his touch in that particular way he could never completely conceal, still tried to maintain his composure even when his body clearly disagreed, and still managed to look at Fan Xiao with such calm that it seemed he had no idea how dangerously he affected a man who had lost his head over him long ago.
"I'm only wondering whether the punishments will be severe."
"Depends on the offense."
"And if I say I'm a terrible person?"
"You'll get a reprimand."
"And if I say I'm a hopeless boyfriend?"
"Another one."
"And if I say I don't deserve your love?"
You Shulang slowly set down the sheet of paper. Then he took Fan Xiao's face between his hands.
"Then I'll have to remind you, very thoroughly, why you're wrong."
Fan Xiao felt the familiar warmth spreading throughout his body.
"Sounds threatening."
"It should."
"Shulang..."
"Hmm?"
"I think I've just broken the rules."
You Shulang looked at him in disbelief. Then, seeing the smile spreading across his face, he understood.
"You little..."
He did not get to finish. Fan Xiao kissed him again. This time, however, You Shulang did not let him take the lead. He threaded his fingers into Fan Xiao's hair, tipped his head back, and deepened the kiss himself, noting with satisfaction that the man who, not so long ago, could manipulate entire companies and make others bend to his will without the slightest effort was now completely helpless against a single hand gripping the back of his neck. Fan Xiao made a soft, surprised sound. You Shulang smiled against his lips.
"What's wrong, Mr. Fan? Suddenly lost for words?"
Fan Xiao looked at him from beneath half-lowered eyelids. A familiar gleam appeared in his eyes.
Dangerous.
Greedy. And definitely far too pleased with himself.
"No," he answered in a low voice. "I'm simply beginning to suspect that your methods of discipline might be ineffective."
You Shulang raised his eyebrows.
"Oh, really?"
"If bad behavior earns me rewards like this, I might start behaving even worse."
For a moment, they looked at each other in silence. Then You Shulang burst out laughing. It was the same laugh Fan Xiao remembered from the beginning of their acquaintance. Warm, genuine, a little husky, appearing whenever You Shulang forgot about the need to maintain his customary seriousness. Fan Xiao loved that laugh. He loved it so much that sometimes he felt an almost physical pain at the thought of all the years during which he had been unable to hear it. But now he had no intention of thinking about lost time. Not while You Shulang was sitting on his lap. Not while he was laughing at his stupid jokes. Not while he was looking at him like that.
"Fan Xiao."
"Yes?"
"You're impossible."
"I know."
"Shameless."
"Yes."
"Far too confident."
"Occasionally."
"And insufferably pleased with yourself for distracting me."
Fan Xiao smiled wider.
"That's true too."
You Shulang sighed. Then leaned down and kissed his forehead. Gently. Almost innocently. In a way so different from their earlier kisses that Fan Xiao felt his entire body go still for a moment.
"Good," You Shulang whispered. "Because that's exactly how I love you."
Fan Xiao stopped smiling. Not because he felt sad, but because suddenly he no longer had the strength to pretend those words had not touched something buried very deep inside him. For a moment, he simply looked at You Shulang. Then he slowly lowered his head and rested his forehead against his shoulder.
"Shulang..."
"Hmm?"
"Can I really stay?"
There was nothing of his usual confidence in those four words. No offer, no argument, not even a desperate promise to improve. There was only a question he had long been unable to ask without fearing that the very need to hear an answer would make him even less worthy of love. You Shulang went still. The question was so quiet, so unlike Fan Xiao's usual way of speaking, that for a moment he did not know how to respond. Not because he did not know the answer. He knew it perfectly well. The problem was that only now did he realize how deeply the fear of losing their relationship again had taken root in a man who had spent his entire life believing anything could be obtained if one was strong, clever, or ruthless enough.
Fan Xiao knew how to fight. How to take. How to keep. But he still could not believe that someone might simply want to stay with him. You Shulang held him tighter.
"Fan Xiao."
"Yes?"
"This is your home too."
Fan Xiao tightened his fingers in the fabric of his shirt.
"I know."
"You don't have to earn the right to come back here every day."
"...I know."
"You don't have to write reports to convince me that I should leave you."
Fan Xiao made a quiet, embarrassed sound. You Shulang smiled faintly.
"And you don't have to ask me every day whether I still love you."
Fan Xiao was silent for a moment. Then he raised his head.
"But can I?"
You Shulang looked at him, then sighed so heavily that it was as though he had just realized his beloved intended to exploit that possibility beyond all reasonable limits.
"You can."
Fan Xiao immediately lit up.
"Shulang."
"Yes?"
"Do you love me?"
You Shulang closed his eyes. Really, and that realization was the most irritating part of all. This man. This utterly impossible, insufferable, shameless man.
"Yes, Fan Xiao. I love you."
Fan Xiao smiled so broadly that for a moment he looked almost boyish. Then, before You Shulang could slide off his lap, he drew him close again and buried his face in the hollow of his neck. His arms tightened firmly, but not enough to prevent his beloved from moving away if he wanted to. It was a small difference. Almost imperceptible. And yet to Fan Xiao it meant more than he could have expressed in words. Because he still wanted to keep You Shulang. Still wanted to have him beside him, touch him, kiss him, hear his voice, and see his face every morning. He was still jealous. Still possessive. He still had all those terrible qualities he had written on the paper. But for the first time, he was truly beginning to understand that love was not about locking the person you loved somewhere they could never leave. It was about creating a place they would want to return to. Of their own free will. Every day. The next morning, You Shulang woke first.
There was nothing ceremonial about the morning light. It filtered through the curtains, touched the pillow, and reminded him that in a few hours they would both have to attend to matters that could not be postponed simply because the previous evening had turned out to be important. You Shulang liked that ordinary side of life. Once it had seemed like an unattainable privilege; today he accepted it with quiet gratitude. This was not especially surprising, considering that Fan Xiao had apparently decided the previous evening that the best way to demonstrate his gratitude for a second chance was to express it with extraordinary enthusiasm, requiring far more energy from them both than any sensible person ought to devote to such activities in the middle of the working week. You Shulang still felt pleasantly tired, and several marks on his neck would have to be taken into account when choosing a shirt for work.
For a while he lay motionless, watching the man sleeping beside him. Fan Xiao looked peaceful. Truly peaceful. His face lacked its usual carefully controlled expression, his brows were not furrowed, and his lips were slightly parted. One arm rested across You Shulang's waist, as though even in his sleep Fan Xiao needed to make sure his beloved was still within reach. You Shulang smiled softly. Then he remembered the pages left on the table the previous evening. Carefully, he slipped out from beneath Fan Xiao's arm, threw on a robe, and went into the living room. The document was still there. You Shulang picked it up. He studied the written words for a while, then reached for a pen. Beneath the final clause, he added one more sentence.
Fan Xiao is the man I love. The decision regarding my choice of partner belongs to me and is not subject to negotiation.
He considered this for a moment. Then added:
Any attempt to question the above decision shall be treated as a direct challenge to You Shulang's competence.
He smiled with satisfaction. That should do it. After all, Fan Xiao was a man who could tolerate many things, but questioning You Shulang's competence was among those he could stand the least. He set the paper down on the table. Then he heard a familiar voice behind him.
"Shulang?"
He turned around. Fan Xiao stood in the living-room doorway with tousled hair and a shirt carelessly draped over his shoulders. He looked like a sleepy, slightly confused, and extraordinarily handsome disaster who had apparently woken, discovered the empty space beside him, and immediately launched a search for the man he loved. You Shulang sighed. Really, and that realization was the most irritating part of all. How was he supposed not to love this idiot?
"I'm here."
Fan Xiao immediately brightened. He approached, wrapped his arms around him from behind, and rested his chin on his shoulder.
"Good morning."
"Good morning."
"Do you love me?"
You Shulang closed his eyes. This was only the beginning. Only the first morning. And Fan Xiao apparently intended to exploit the permission he had been given with all the ruthlessness of a man who had just discovered an exceptionally favorable loophole in a contract.
"Yes, Fan Xiao. I love you."
Fan Xiao kissed his cheek. Then he looked at the sheet of paper on the table. He read the added sentences. Froze. For a moment, he said nothing. Then slowly turned his head toward You Shulang.
"Shulang."
"Yes?"
"Have you just threatened me with consequences for questioning your intelligence?"
"Yes."
Fan Xiao stared at him for several seconds. Then he laughed so loudly that You Shulang had to turn his head to hide his own smile. It was absurd. Completely ridiculous. And utterly unprofessional. But when Fan Xiao held him closer, when his laughter slowly faded and his lips found that familiar spot just beneath his ear, You Shulang thought he really wouldn't mind spending the rest of his life dealing with problems like this. After all, he was good at solving problems. And Fan Xiao was definitely one of his favorites.
"Shulang?"
"Hmm?"
"One more question."
You Shulang sighed.
"What is it this time?"
Fan Xiao smiled innocently.
"If I say I'm your favorite problem, would that count as insulting your man or complimenting him?"
You Shulang turned in his arms. Looked him straight in the eyes. Then grabbed his shirt collar and pulled him into a kiss.
"Fuck off, Fan Xiao."
Fan Xiao smiled against his lips.
"I love you too."
And this time, when You Shulang kissed him again, Fan Xiao did not wonder whether he deserved it. He simply kissed him back. Because his man had explicitly forbidden him to question his own worth. And Fan Xiao, although still a man with an exceptionally bad character, had no intention of defying You Shulang. At least not on this point. As for the others... Well. They had an entire lifetime ahead of them to negotiate the terms.