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Datu smiled at Jae as the two of them made their way down the corridor toward Datu’s apartment. The tension of the day still lingered in the air, but for the first time in hours, neither of them seemed particularly eager to talk about it. There was something almost peaceful about walking beside one another without having to worry about who might be listening.
“Well… Commander…” Datu drawled, turning his head toward Jae with a mischievous smirk. “Happy to serve you.”
Jae let out a quiet chuckle, shaking his head. “Oh, shut up... You're enjoying this far too much.”
“Immensely.”
Jae rolled his eyes. He scratched absently at his ear, glancing down the corridor as they continued walking.
It was strange, really. Only a few hours ago, everything had seemed so much more complicated. Karthik and the others had been imprisoned, their futures left uncertain. Whatever happened next would undoubtedly have consequences for everyone involved, and neither of them could pretend otherwise.
Still, Datu had a way of making even the most dreadful circumstances feel a little less suffocating. He could turn a conversation into a joke, a moment of uncertainty into something manageable. Jae wasn't sure whether that was a talent or a defense mechanism, but he was grateful for it all the same.
“You know…” Jae began, straightening his posture with a confidence he wasn't entirely sure he felt. “We'll catch the Avatar in no time.” He scratched behind his ear again.
“Just you wait. Before long, we'll have her in custody, and all of this will be behind us.”
Datu raised an eyebrow. “Oh, is that so?”
“Absolutely.”
“Your confidence is reassuring, Commander…” Datu laughed under his breath as they reached his apartment. He pushed the door open and stepped aside, gesturing for Jae to enter first.
“After you.”
Jae gave him a suspicious look. “Why are you being so polite all of a sudden?”
“I'm always polite… get inside.” Datu winked.
Jae laughed and stepped through the doorway.
Datu's apartment was, as usual, a complete mess.
There were clothes draped over the back of a chair, a few belongings scattered across the desk, and enough miscellaneous clutter to suggest that Datu had abandoned any attempt at keeping the place organized several days ago. Yet, somehow, the room remained inviting. It had a warmth to it that the sterile corridors outside lacked, a lived-in quality that made it feel unmistakably his.
The air carried a pleasant, familiar scent, too, one that Jae had come to associate with Datu himself. Beneath the lingering smell of soap and whatever Datu used to freshen the room, there was the unmistakable warmth of his skin. Even after a long day, Datu had a way of smelling unexpectedly good.
Jae found himself smiling at the familiarity of it all.
He had spent so much time worrying about everything outside these walls that he hadn't realized how badly he needed a moment somewhere he could simply exist without having to defend his decisions.
Datu stepped inside after him and shut the door.
For a moment, neither spoke.
Then Datu's expression softened.
“I knew you were keeping something from me,” he said.
Jae’s smile faded a little.
Datu leaned back against the closed door, folding his arms across his chest. There was no accusation in his voice, not exactly, but a seriousness beneath his usual playful demeanor that Jae couldn’t ignore.
“I had a feeling something wasn’t right. You were acting strange, and every time I tried to ask you about it, you’d find some way to change the subject.”
Jae glanced over his shoulder at him.
Datu huffed a brief laugh, though there was little humor in it. “You should’ve told me.”
Jae turned to face him properly. “I know.”
“I mean it, Jae…” Datu frowned, his arms tightening across his chest.
“I know,” Jae repeated, quieter this time.
For a moment, Datu said nothing. He looked down at the floor, jaw working as he struggled to put his thoughts into words. When he finally spoke again, the anger in his voice had nothing to do with Jae’s silence. It was directed at someone else entirely.
“Karthik,” he muttered, the name practically a curse on his tongue.
Jae went still.
Datu shook his head, letting out a sharp, disbelieving breath. “That bastard.”
There was a bitter edge to his words, a fury that had been building with every new piece of information he'd put together. He could tolerate secrets. He could even understand why Jae might have felt he couldn't tell him everything. But Karthik? Karthik had known exactly what he was doing.
And he'd done it anyway.
“I could've stopped him,” Datu hissed, his hands curling into fists at his sides. “I could've stopped Karthik from using you.”
The words came out sharper than he'd intended, but not once did his gaze turn accusing toward Jae. If anything, the thought seemed to make him angrier with himself.
“He had no right,” Datu continued, his voice trembling with restrained fury. “No right to put you in that position and make you carry all of this on your own.”
He looked at Jae again, and the hard line of his mouth softened just slightly.
“I'm not angry with you,” he said, as though he needed Jae to understand that above everything else. “I wish you'd told me, yes. I wish I'd known what was happening. But that's not the same thing.”
His expression darkened as Karthik's name returned to his thoughts.
“I'm angry that he thought he could do this to you and get away with it.”
Datu swallowed, his shoulders rising with a slow, frustrated breath.
“And I'm angry that I didn't see it sooner.”
The words hung between them.
Jae's expression changed. The mention of Karthik brought back a familiar knot of conflicting emotions, and for a moment, he didn't quite know what to do with them. He had spent so long trying to convince everyone that his loyalty to Karthik had compromised his judgment.
Jae nodded slowly.
“I'm sure you would've.” He hesitated before continuing. “I'm sorry.”
Datu's arms loosened, though he remained where he was.
Jae scratched at the back of his neck, struggling to find the right words.
“You know how close Karthik and I were. I trusted him. And when he started asking me for things, when he started acting like everything he was doing was necessary…” Jae trailed off, looking toward the floor.
He let out a breath.
“Those broad shoulders blinded me, apparently.”
Datu blinked before he burst out laughing. “Are you serious!?”
“What? Have you seen the man??”
“Jae!”
“I'm just saying!”
Datu covered his mouth, trying and failing to suppress another laugh.
For the first time since they'd entered the apartment, Jae felt some of the weight in his chest ease. He grinned, pleased with himself for managing to get a reaction out of Datu, even if it was at his own expense.
But the smile didn't last.
“Seriously, though,” Jae continued, his voice settling into something more subdued. “It's not like I joined them. I wasn't trying to help him do whatever he wanted. I thought I could keep things under control. I thought I could figure out what he was doing without making everything worse.”
Jae crossed the room and sat down on the edge of Datu's bed, his hands resting loosely between his knees.
“He was my commander, you know?”
There was something painfully simple about the admission.
Everyone knew Karthik hadn't just been another person giving him orders. He was someone Jae had respected, someone he had trusted, someone whose judgment he had once accepted without feeling the need to question every little thing. Admitting that he had been manipulated meant acknowledging that the relationship had changed into something he hadn't wanted to see.
And perhaps the worst part, as Datu thought, was that Jae still cared about him. He couldn't simply turn that affection off because Karthik had made terrible decisions.
“I kept telling myself there had to be a reason,” Jae murmured. “That he knew something I didn't. That if I just gave him enough time, he'd explain everything and I'd understand.”
He looked up at Datu. “But he never did.”
Datu watched him for a long moment.
Then he pushed himself away from the door and crossed the room. He stopped in front of Jae, studying his face with an expression that was difficult to read. Jae braced himself for a lecture. A reminder of how badly he'd mishandled things, or for Datu to tell him that an apology wasn't enough.
Instead, Datu reached down and rested a hand on his shoulder.
“For the survival of Ellora,” Datu said quietly, “I knew you'd do the right thing.”
Jae looked at him. Datu gave his shoulder a gentle squeeze.
“Maybe you took longer than you should have. But when it mattered, you made your choice.” He paused. “And I know that wasn't easy for you.”
Datu stepped closer, opening his arms in a silent invitation.
Jae didn't hesitate. He leaned forward and wrapped his arms around Datu's large waist, resting his head briefly against him. Datu held him close, one hand settling between his shoulder blades as the other rested against the back of his head.
For a little while, neither of them said anything.
Datu eventually tilted Jae's face upward.
“Hey.”
Jae hummed in response.
“Look at me.”
Jae lifted his head.
Datu smiled, his expression gentler than Jae was accustomed to seeing in the middle of a conversation. Datu laughed softly before leaning down to kiss his cheek.
Jae's expression softened almost immediately.
He turned his head and returned the kiss, catching Datu just beside the corner of his mouth. Datu smiled at him, and the next kiss landed properly on his lips.
It was gentle at first. Then Jae reached up to cup Datu's face, and Datu leaned closer, one hand finding its place against Jae's jaw.
The kiss deepened. Jae felt himself relaxing into it, the last of his nervousness giving way to the simple comfort of being wanted by someone who knew him well enough to see his mistakes and stay anyway.
When they finally separated, Jae drew in a breath and rested his forehead against Datu's.
“Really?” he asked, his voice carrying the faintest hint of amusement. “Tonight?”
Datu blinked. “What?”
“Isn't there an Avatar to catch, Datu?…”
Datu's smile faltered. He pulled back just enough to look at Jae properly, searching his expression for a moment before his own demeanor shifted into something more serious.
“Ah, sorry….” He hesitated. “Being commander is a big responsibility. There's a lot you have to deal with, and I know you have plenty on your mind already…”
His thumb brushed gently against Jae's cheek.
“We don't have to do anything if you don't want to. We can just sit here—”
Jae quickly leaned forward and kissed Datu again.
Datu barely had time to react before Jae pulled back, grinning.
“I was joking!”
“Jae—”
“Might as well enjoy myself while I can, right?”
Datu opened his mouth to respond, but Jae kissed him again before he could get a word out.
Whatever Datu had intended to say disappeared into a surprised laugh.
Outside the apartment, the corridors remained quiet. Somewhere beyond them, Karthik and the others waited for whatever judgment awaited them, and the search for the Avatar remained unfinished.
Tomorrow would bring questions, difficult decisions, and responsibilities neither of them could afford to ignore.
But tonight, behind a closed door in a messy apartment that smelled comfortingly of home, Jae allowed himself to stop worrying about tomorrow.
And Datu, for once, didn't ask him to think about it.
…
It was night now, and both Jae and Datu lay in bed.
Datu was snoring.
Jae had yet to be claimed by sleep. If sleep even dared to approach him tonight, he suspected it would take one look at the mess inside his head and turn straight back around.
He let out a long, exhausted sigh.
Then immediately hissed through his teeth as a sharp ache shot through his back.
“Ah—damn it.”
He shifted onto his other side, wincing, before settling back against the pillows. For a moment, he stared blankly at the ceiling, listening to Datu's steady breathing beside him.
By the Seven Havens… So much to do. So much to fix. And so, so much that could go wrong.
Karthik was in prison.
Hamka was in prison.
Shilpa was in prison.
Jae squeezed his eyes shut.
Goodness! GOODNESS! How in the Seven Havens am I supposed to get out of this?!
He had a prison full of people he needed to get out, a position he needed to maintain, a lie he needed to keep alive, and an entire organization whose expectations were slowly strangling him. Every time he thought he had found a way forward, another problem crawled out of the woodwork and planted itself directly in his path.
And that wasn't even the worst of it.
Where were Nisha and Pavi? Where in Ellora were they?
Were they together? Were they safe? Had they found somewhere to hide? Were they even still in the same place they had been the last time he'd heard anything about them?
His stomach twisted.
Oh, Nisha.
His thoughts turned toward her so suddenly that he almost felt as though he were speaking aloud.
Oh, you had better be safe out there.
He swallowed hard.
You and Pavi had better be so, so, so safe. You hear me? You'd better be tucked away somewhere warm, with those little cat-monkeys of yours, all curled up together in some cave where nobody can find you. Somewhere with a nice, sturdy entrance and absolutely no horrible people lurking around the corner.
He almost smiled at the image.
He could picture Nisha fussing over the animals, pretending she wasn't worried about anything, while Pavi sat nearby with that expression of hers. He could picture them bickering, too.
He could picture Pavi telling Nisha to stop being ridiculous. Nisha ignoring her. The two of them somehow managing to make a terrible situation feel a little less terrible simply by being in it together.
His chest tightened.
Please.
The word surfaced before he could stop it.
Please, just be safe.
He didn't know what he'd do if something happened to them.
No. That wasn't true.
He knew exactly what he'd do.
And that was what frightened him.
Jae pressed the heel of his hand against his eyes, trying to force the tears back before they could gather properly. He'd spent so much time lately swallowing his fear, disguising his intentions, and carefully arranging his face into whatever expression the situation demanded that he had almost begun to believe he could control every part of himself.
Almost.
A tear slipped down his cheek.
Then another.
“Oh, for—”
His voice caught. He clamped his mouth shut.
No. No, no, no. Not now. Not when Datu was right there.
Jae turned away from him as quickly and quietly as he could, drawing the blanket up toward his face. He covered his mouth with one hand, trying to muffle the small, miserable sound that escaped him.
Damn it.
He could lie to people now. He could lie convincingly, too. He could stand in front of someone who trusted him and tell them precisely what they wanted to hear, all while keeping the truth locked somewhere deep inside himself.
He could make a lie sound like a promise. He could make a betrayal look like an act of kindness. He could even convince himself, for a little while, that what he was doing was necessary.
But apparently, he couldn't manage to cry quietly. His shoulders trembled beneath the covers. He tried to take a slow breath. It came out uneven. He tried again. Worse.
Oh, come on, Jae. Get yourself together.
He pressed his face into the pillow, furious with himself for losing control over something so small. Except it wasn't small, was it? Nothing about this was small anymore.
Everything had happened so quickly. One day, he'd been trying to make sense of the world as it was. The next, he was trapped in a situation where every decision seemed to demand that he sacrifice something else.
His friends.
His position.
His conscience.
His future.
And the people he was supposed to protect.
He couldn't even tell anymore whether he was protecting them or simply finding increasingly elaborate ways to hurt them!
A fresh wave of tears blurred his vision.
He thought of Karthik, sitting somewhere behind prison walls.
Was he frightened? Was he angry? Was he planning something? Or had the guards already gotten to him?
Jae's fingers curled into the blanket.
He didn't want to think about what might be happening to Karthik in there. He didn't want to imagine the guards, the questions, the possibility that Karthik was suffering because of something Jae had failed to prevent.
And yet his mind insisted on offering him every horrible possibility it could invent.
I'm sorry.
He didn't know who he was apologizing to anymore.
Karthik, perhaps. Hamka and Shilpa. Nisha and Pavi.
All the people whose lives had become tangled in this catastrophe.
Or perhaps himself.
He had no idea how much longer he could keep doing this.
For a moment, he thought about Datu.
About the way Datu trusted him. About the way he'd asked Jae whether he would tell him if anything suspicious was happening in the Brigade.
Jae remembered the question.
Remembered the look in Datu's eyes. Remembered lying to him.
The memory made his throat ache.
He wanted to turn around. He wanted to wake Datu properly, take his hands, and tell him everything. He wanted to say that he was frightened, that he was exhausted, that he had no idea how to fix any of this. He wanted to tell him that people were in danger and that he was terrified of making the wrong choice.
He wanted to hear Datu say that they'd figure something out. Even though Datu’s was… much more loyal then him.
But he couldn't. He couldn't tell him.
Because the moment he did, everything might fall apart. And Jae wasn't certain he could bear watching Datu's trust disappear from his face.
The thought hurt more than he wanted to admit.
A small, broken sob escaped him.
Beside him, the mattress shifted.
“J-Jae...?” Datu's voice was thick with sleep.
Jae went rigid.
Oh, no.
No, no, no.
He held his breath, squeezed his eyes shut, and tried desperately to make himself stop crying. Perhaps if he remained perfectly still, Datu would assume he'd imagined it. Perhaps he'd roll over, settle back into his pillow, and return to sleep.
Perhaps—
“Jae?” The mattress shifted again.
Datu sounded more awake now, “Love?”
The endearment nearly undid him. Jae pressed his knuckles against his lips. He hadn't realized how badly he needed someone to be gentle with him until Datu was.
“What's wrong?”
Jae shook his head, though Datu couldn't possibly see it properly in the darkness.
“Nothing,” he managed.
The word emerged in a strangled whisper.
There was a brief silence.
Then Datu said, very softly, “Oh, sweetheart.”
Jae's heart twisted.
Don't.
He wanted to beg him not to say things like that. Not when he was already so close to falling apart. Not when Datu's kindness made him feel like an even worse person for lying to him.
He heard the rustle of blankets as Datu sat up. Then a hand settled gently against his shoulder.
“Jae?”
Jae tried to pull himself together. He really did. He swallowed, wiped at his face, and attempted to turn around with something resembling dignity.
It was a miserable failure.
Datu leaned closer, peering through the darkness, “Oh, Jae...”
His voice changed. The sleepiness vanished, replaced by immediate concern.
“Hey, hey. What's happened?” Datu brushed his fingers over Jae's forehead, gently sweeping aside the hair that had fallen across his face.
Then he saw him properly.
The tears streaking his cheeks. The redness around his eyes. The way his mouth trembled despite his obvious efforts to keep it still.
“Oh!” Datu's expression crumpled with worry.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh, darling, what happened?” He glanced at Jae as though searching for some sign that would explain it all. “Did I fall asleep too quickly? Did I—I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I should've checked on you.”
Jae stared at him. For one terrible moment, he almost laughed.
Of course.
Of course Datu would assume he'd done something wrong.
Even now, even with Jae crying so hard he could barely breathe properly, Datu was trying to figure out what he might have done to hurt him.
“No,” Jae whispered.
It was the only word he could get out.
Datu didn't seem convinced.
“Are you hurting?”
Jae hesitated.
His head hurt. His chest felt as though somebody had tied a knot around his heart and kept pulling.
But none of those were the things Datu meant.
“Jae?”
He couldn't answer.
Datu's face softened. “Okay. Okay, you don't have to tell me yet.” He slipped an arm behind Jae's shoulders and carefully helped him sit up, mindful of his aching back. Then, with a tenderness that made Jae's heart ache all over again, he drew him into his lap.
“There we go,” Datu murmured. “I've got you.”
Jae's breath hitched.
Datu gathered the blanket around them, apparently noticing that it had slipped away from Jae's shoulders. He tugged it back up, tucking it around him with unnecessary thoroughness, as though the extra layers might protect him from whatever had driven him to tears.
“There. Nice and warm…” Datu smoothed the blanket over Jae's arm. “Don't want you getting cold, too.”
Jae couldn't look at him. He stared instead at the fabric gathered between his fingers, watching the tears fall onto it.
Datu shifted until Jae was sitting more comfortably against his chest. One hand rested between Jae's shoulder blades, rubbing slow, soothing circles, while the other cradled the back of his head.
“Hey,” he whispered. “It's all right.”
It wasn't. Nothing was all right. But Jae leaned into him anyway.
He wrapped his arms around Datu's waist and buried his face against his chest, his tears soaking into the fabric of Datu's sleep clothes.
It was humiliating, really.
He was supposed to be the one with a plan. He was supposed to know what he was doing. He was supposed to be capable of handling this.
Instead, he was sitting in Datu's lap in the middle of the night, crying so hard that he could barely form a sentence. Datu didn't seem to mind.
If anything, he held him closer.
One hand moved up to support the back of Jae's neck, keeping him comfortable as he curled inward. Datu's fingers slid into his hair, gently combing through it, smoothing away the tangles.
“Shhh,” he whispered. “Shhh, sweetheart. I've got you.”
Jae clutched him tighter. Datu pressed his cheek against the top of Jae's head.
“You don't have to explain anything right now,” he continued. “You don't have to talk if you don't want to. Just breathe, all right? Take your time. Being commander is new territory…”
Jae tried. He really, truly tried. But the harder he fought to quiet himself, the more his body seemed determined to betray him. His shoulders shook. His breathing stuttered.
Another sob tore through him, and he pressed his face even deeper into Datu's chest, desperately trying to hide the sound.
“It's okay,” Datu murmured, his voice barely louder than a breath. “It's okay. You're all right. I've got you.”
Datu kept stroking his hair. Over and over. Slowly enough that Jae could almost pretend the world had stopped moving.
For a few precious moments, he allowed himself to forget.
He forgot about the prisons. The White Lotus. The responsibilities waiting for him in the morning.
He forgot about the people who would expect answers from him and the people who would suffer if he failed to provide them.
He forgot that Datu was someone he was deceiving. He simply held on. Because Datu was warm. Because Datu was here. Because Datu was looking after him without asking for anything in return. And because Jae was so tired.
So impossibly tired.
How long am I supposed to keep doing this?
The thought drifted through his mind as Datu continued to comfort him.
How long was he supposed to play this role?
How long could he keep pretending to be someone who had everything under control?
He thought of Karthik.
Karthik, who had spent so long playing his own part that Jae sometimes wondered whether there was anything left beneath it.
Would he become like that?
Would he keep telling himself that the deception was temporary, that the sacrifices were necessary, that he only had to endure a little longer?
And then what?
Would he wake up one day and discover that he'd become so accustomed to lying that he no longer knew how to tell the truth?
Jae's stomach twisted. He didn't want that.
He didn't want to become someone who could look the people he loved in the eyes and feel nothing while deceiving them.
He didn't want to become so consumed by his responsibilities that he forgot why he'd taken them on in the first place.
He wanted to help. He wanted to make things better. He wanted Ellora to be happy.
But why did every attempt to get closer to that future seem to drag him further away from the people who mattered to him?
“Jae?”
Datu's voice interrupted his thoughts. Jae didn't respond.
“Love, can you hear me?”
A small nod.
“Good.” Datu's thumb brushed gently against the back of his neck. “That's good.”
He paused, seemingly searching for the right words.
“Whatever it is, you don't have to solve it tonight.”
Jae's breath caught.
Datu continued before he could answer.
“I mean it. You don't have to figure everything out right this second. You can be tired. You can be upset. You can just...” He hesitated, then gave Jae's hair another gentle stroke. “You can just be here with me for a while.”
Jae squeezed his eyes shut.
You don't understand.
The words crowded his mind.
You don't understand how much there is to solve.
You don't understand what's at stake.
You don't understand that I might be the reason everything falls apart.
And, perhaps worst of all—
You don't understand how much I want to tell you.
His lips parted. For one fleeting second, he thought he might actually do it.
He could tell Datu about Karthik. About Hamka and Shilpa. About the things he feared were happening behind prison walls. He could tell him about Nisha and Pavi, about his growing desperation to find them, about the terrible choices he was beginning to consider.
He could tell him everything. He could trust Datu to listen. He could trust him to care.
But could he trust him to understand?
Could he trust him to accept the truth without asking questions Jae wasn't ready to answer? And if Datu knew everything, what would happen to them? Would he look at Jae differently? Would he still hold him like this?
Would he still call him love?
Jae couldn't bear to find out.
So he said nothing.
He only buried his face against Datu's chest and let himself cry. Datu didn't press him.
Instead, he tilted his head down and placed a small kiss against Jae's hair.
Then another, a little farther back.
“That's it,” he whispered. “Just let it out.”
Jae's fingers curled into the fabric of Datu's shirt. Datu's hand settled against the back of his head, keeping him close.
“I wish I knew what was hurting you… what exactly Karthik did to you…” he admitted quietly. “I hate seeing you like this.”
Jae's chest tightened.
“But you don't have to tell me until you're ready,” Datu added. “I'm not going anywhere.”
Please don't say that.
Jae swallowed a sob.
Please don't make it harder for me to leave.
Because that was the terrible thing, wasn't it?
Datu made staying feel possible.
He made the thought of a quiet morning, a shared meal, and another ordinary day together feel like something Jae could reach for.
He made a future outside the White Lotus seem almost real.
And every time Jae imagined it, he had to remind himself that he might not be allowed to have it.
That he might have to choose between the person he loved and the future he had promised himself he'd help create.
That he might have to hurt Datu in order to protect him. Or hurt everyone else in order to stay.
He didn't know which possibility frightened him more.
Eventually, Jae's sobs began to soften.
Not because he felt any better, exactly, but because his body was finally running out of the energy required to keep falling apart.
Datu seemed to recognize the change. He shifted carefully, helping Jae ease back against the pillows.
“Easy,” he murmured. “Mind your back.”
Jae let himself be guided, too exhausted to protest.
Datu lowered him onto the mattress with the kind of care usually reserved for something fragile. He adjusted the pillows behind Jae's shoulders, making sure he wasn't putting too much pressure on his back, then drew the blanket up over him.
“There we are.” He brushed a damp strand of hair away from Jae's forehead.
“Better?”
Jae gave a faint, unconvincing nod. Datu studied him for a moment. Then, rather than challenge the answer, he simply leaned down and kissed his forehead.
It was such a small thing.
So gentle.
Jae's eyes stung again.
“Oh, don't start crying all over again,” Datu whispered, though there was no impatience in his voice. Only affection. “I've barely managed to get you tucked in.”
Jae let out a weak, watery breath that might, under better circumstances, have passed for a laugh. Datu's face softened with relief at the sound.
“Mhm…” Datu murmured.
He slipped beneath the covers beside him and immediately moved closer, draping an arm around Jae's middle.
Jae turned toward him without hesitation.
He tucked himself against Datu's side, resting his head against his chest. Datu adjusted his position to accommodate him, one hand settling comfortably between his shoulder blades.
Then he pulled the blanket over them both.
“There,” Datu whispered again. “Nice and cozy.”
Jae closed his eyes. He could hear Datu's heartbeat. Steady. Unhurried. An ordinary, reassuring sound in a world that had become anything but ordinary.
Datu pressed another kiss to his forehead, then rested his cheek against Jae's hair.
“Try to get some sleep, sweetheart.”
Jae nodded against him.
He would try.
He would try because Datu had asked him to, because Datu deserved at least one peaceful night, and because Jae didn't know how much longer he could continue without rest.
But even as he lay there, wrapped in warmth and held close by the person he was desperately trying not to hurt, his mind refused to quiet.
What am I supposed to do?
The question returned, relentless as ever.
Should he get Daemin involved?
Could they find a way to help Karthik and the others escape?
And if they did, where would they go afterward?
Would he upfrontly abandon his position as commander?
Would he run?
Would he take the people he could save and disappear somewhere far away, leaving the rest of the White Lotus to face the consequences?
The thought was tempting. Terrifyingly tempting.
But he knew Nisha and Pavi would never forgive him for sacrificing himself just to make their escape easier. They would never accept him deciding, all on his own, that his life was an acceptable price to pay.
And they wouldn't be wrong.
Jae swallowed.
Oh, Nisha. Pavi.
He wished he could tell them he was sorry.
He wished he could tell them that he was trying. That he was so, so tired of making decisions that hurt the people he loved. That he missed them. That he wanted them home.
That he wanted all of them to be safe, together, somewhere far away from the mess he'd helped create.
His eyes filled again, but this time, he managed to keep the tears from spilling over. Beside him, Datu shifted in his sleep.
His arm tightened around Jae almost unconsciously, drawing him a little closer. His fingers brushed once over Jae's shoulder before settling there. Even asleep, he seemed reluctant to let him go.
Jae stared into the darkness.
Oh, Datu.
He wanted to turn his face and kiss him. He wanted to hold him properly, to tell him how much he meant to him, to explain that none of this was Datu's fault.
Instead, he carefully pressed his fingers onto Datu’s chest.
He could feel the warmth of him…
I'm sorry.
The apology sat behind his teeth, heavy and unsaid.
I'm so sorry.
He didn't know how long he remained awake.
Long enough for the room to become completely still. Long enough for Datu's breathing to settle into a slow, even rhythm. Long enough for Jae to realize that he was listening to it simply because it was the only thing keeping his thoughts from spiraling completely out of control.
And long enough for one particularly dreadful thought to settle into his mind.
Was he doing all of this for Ellora? Or was he doing it for the girls?
For Nisha and Pavi, who deserved to live in a world that didn't constantly threaten to swallow them whole?
For Karthik, Hamka, and Shilpa, who were now trapped in the consequences of a situation that had grown far beyond anything Jae could easily manage?
Or was he simply trying to convince himself that all this suffering would mean something in the end?
He knew, somewhere deep down, that he already had an answer. He had known it for a while. He was a White Lotus member before he was a bender. Before the title. Before the responsibility. Before all the expectations that had begun to press down on him until he could scarcely breathe.
He had joined because he believed in what they wanted to accomplish. Because he wanted Ellora to be better. Because he wanted the people living in it to have something more than fear, grief, and the endless repetition of old tragedies.
He still believed in that. Didn't he?
Jae's gaze drifted toward the faint outline of the window.
Perhaps he could find a way to help the others escape while remaining behind himself. Perhaps he could keep the commander's position, take the blame, and buy them enough time to disappear.
Perhaps he could—
No.
He stopped himself.
Nisha would never allow it.
Pavi certainly wouldn't.
He could already imagine the looks they'd give him if they found out he'd made such a decision without consulting them. Nisha would be furious. Pavi would so sad.
They would tell him that he didn't get to decide his own life was expendable.
They would tell him that if he wanted to save them, he had to let them help save him, too.
And, infuriatingly, they would be right. Jae closed his eyes.
He didn't know what the answer was.
He didn't know whether he'd wake up tomorrow with a plan or simply another collection of problems.
He didn't know how much longer he could keep his secrets from Datu. But he knew that, for tonight, he couldn't do anything else. So he let himself remain where he was.
Held close. Wrapped in blankets. Safe, for the moment, in the arms of someone who loved him without knowing the full extent of what he was carrying.
Datu stirred again, his lips brushing Jae's forehead in a sleepy, almost absent-minded kiss.
“Love you,” he mumbled.
The words were so quiet that Jae might have missed them if he hadn't been listening for every little sound. His breath caught. For a moment, he couldn't move.
Then he pressed his face closer against Datu's chest, hiding the fresh sting in his eyes.
He wanted to say it back. He wanted to say it so badly that the words seemed to gather in his throat, pushing against the terrible silence he'd built around himself.
But he couldn't make them come.
Not because he didn't mean them. Because he meant them too much. Because Datu deserved the truth, and Jae couldn't give it to him.
So, instead, he tightened his arms around him and held on. Just a little closer. Just a little longer.
Datu, still half-asleep, responded by drawing him nearer, his hand resting warmly against the back of Jae's head. And Jae lay there in the dark, listening to the steady beat of Datu's heart, wishing he could be the person Datu believed him to be.
Wishing he could tell him everything.
Wishing that, when the truth finally came out, Datu might somehow still look at him with the same tenderness. But those were wishes for another night.
Tonight, there were prisons to worry about, friends, little sisters to find, and a future that seemed to grow more uncertain with every passing hour.
Tonight, Jae had nothing to offer Datu but his silence. And Datu, bless him, held him as though that silence was enough. Jae finally let his eyes close.
He didn't fall asleep straightaway.
But when he eventually drifted off, it was with his face tucked against Datu's chest, one hand pressed firmly onto his pecs, and the faintest, most fragile hope that tomorrow might give him a way forward.
He didn't know what he would have to sacrifice to find it.
He only knew that he couldn't bear to lose them all.
Not Nisha.
Not Pavi.
Not Karthik.
And not Datu.
Especially not Datu…