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Leon didn't talk about his childhood much. It wasn't something any of the knights spent much time discussing, really, but most occasionally shared some story of early mischief or stumbles in their training.
Leon didn't. None of the knights above a certain age did. It was one of the rules they didn't talk about, something instinctively understood.
The newer knights didn't like rules like that, he knew. They felt the pressure of them too greatly.
Leon was used enough to them to weave through them with grace.
The grown-ups wouldn't tell him what was going on, but Leon picked up on things quickly. When his playmates disappeared, he didn't ask about them. He heard the whispers that they'd fled from something. That was all he needed to know.
The tension in the castle was tight enough to snap. Leon found more and more out of the way places for him and Kai to play knights. Elaine played the pretty enchantress they were fighting to win the favor of.
Then Elaine went too, and Kai wouldn't play without an enchantress. Leon's mother's maid had a tiny daughter that she brought with her and then let loose to play. She was the closest girl, so Leon talked her into playing their fair lady. She was a bit young, but she played the part enthusiastically, pudgy hands waving as she made up nonsense word spells. Kai shrugged and went with it. He even taught her a few real spells, but while they made Kai's eyes flash gold, Gwen just tripped through the pretty words and smiled.
Then Kai went. Not disappeared, just - went.
It was one of the things that Leon wasn't supposed to know about, much less see, but he caught the words everyone was whispering.
"His father's only heir - "
"It seems no one is really safe."
"Tomorrow at the pond if his father can't buy the king off."
Leon stood there, stone faced, as his father's hand held his shoulder so tight it would leave bruises. Something in him felt shaky, explosive, but he could not question the king. Everyone knew you could not question the king.
"Play?" Gwen asked him brightly when he saw her the next day.
Leon was suddenly aware of everyone who might be watching, might be listening. He knelt down and carefully took her hands before she could begin waving them about.
"Alright," he agreed, "but let's play a different game today. You can be a princess."
"Princess!" Gwen agreed happily, and the shaking thing in his chest calmed enough for him to breathe.
Leon didn't gossip, but others did, and the whispers had a way of coming his way sooner rather than later.
Gwen was being courted by Merlin, according to the latest one. Normally only the servants would have cared about a rumor like that, but their positions in the royal household allowed people to use it as an excuse to speculate on Arthur and Morgana, so it seeped upwards as well.
Leon didn't know if it was true, but he hoped it was. They both deserved happiness.
It did make an old memory tug loose, and he winced to remember it, even after all this time.
"I'm gonna marry you someday," Gwen announced when they had climbed as high as they could in one of the trees lining the river. The sound of the grown-ups picnicking was far behind them.
Leon grinned at her. "Then I shall have to go on many quests to be worthy of your hand," he said, and he practiced the bow he'd been learning as best he could from his position in the tree. He didn't anticipate having to bow at many ladies while he was perched on a tree branch, but it never hurt to be prepared.
Gwen giggled. "Lots and lots," she agreed. "But only if you want to," she added hastily. "If you don't want to go on quests, you can just sneak me some food from the banquets instead."
"All fair ladies deserve quests," Leon told her solemnly.
Gwen peered through the branches of the tree. The other boys his age were splashing around in the water. "You didn't wanna swim?" she asked curiously.
Leon shivered, even in the warm spring air. "No," he said forcefully. Gwen looked up, startled. He reined himself in immediately and smiled at her. "What company could be better than that of my lady?"
Gwen blushed, but she put on her best princess voice from their old games. "None at all," she decreed, and Leon relaxed.
It had been a silly childhood promise, of course, not one that anyone would have expected him to actually honor, but he'd fully meant it when he said it, and it bothered him to remember the way the promise had been broken more than the fact that it had.
The rumors about Merlin and Gwen faded away. Probably for the best, Leon decided. Neither was quite ready to provide for a family yet.
His training to be a knight began later than it should have. With - everything - it had gotten delayed. A lot of things had.
That was the way the adults always phrased it. With - everything.
He didn't have as much time for Gwen as he once had, but he stubbornly carved out room until the gossamer threads of the unwritten rules brushed against him, and he realized he'd been breaking them all along. The other boys found his friendship with the daughter of a maid hilarious, and his parents had begun to hint that perhaps he no longer had time for childish games.
Leon started avoiding Gwen. He tried not to notice how hurt she looked or how her uncertainty about what she'd done wrong morphed into shyness.
It was what he was supposed to do, but Leon didn't like it anymore than he liked the lessons where he finally learned to swim.
Leon was the second son of a lord, and there was no way he could have married a maidservant.
Which was what made him so nervous about Arthur's attentions towards Gwen. A crown prince certainly couldn't, and even if Arthur meant well, there was really only one way it could end.
They sparred more fiercely than they ever had on the training grounds. It was not Leon's place to question his prince. It was his place to prepare him for war.
So he threw himself into practice, fueled by anger enough to last him years.
When it was announced that Arthur would be marrying her, his style didn't change. This time, though, it was fueled by shame.
One of his fellow squires dared him to kiss a girl.
Leon knew the unwritten rules well enough to know he had to be careful here. He couldn't kiss just anyone.
It had been years, but he remembered what Gwen had said. He snuck some sweets away from the banquet and went to find her.
She was scrubbing dishes in the kitchen. He talked to her, awkwardly at first, then like they hadn't in years. He'd forgotten how much he liked her laugh.
When he saw the boy who had dared him lurking just within the kitchen door, he suddenly wasn't sure he wanted to do this. It didn't seem right.
But he had given his word that he'd accept the dare, so he leaned forward and stole a kiss.
Gwen blushed dark red when he pulled away. He thought it might have been her first kiss too, and his own ears turned red. She smiled at him, shy and hopeful.
Then the other boy walked forward and flipped him the coins he'd won, and sudden understanding flooded Gwen's eyes.
"I need to get back to work," she said firmly, and the tears in her eyes only welled up, they didn't fall.
The next time Leon went into town, the blacksmith's son punched him.
Leon had a knight's training. He probably could have beaten the other boy. He certainly could have gotten him in trouble.
He felt he deserved the bruise, though, so he just accepted it and handed the coins to the first beggar he saw.
When Arthur died, he knew there were rumors. People thought there was something between him and the Queen. Some of the lords quietly assured him that they would not oppose him stepping up to be the next king.
Leon thought those lords had forgotten their childhoods too well. Kings, queens, and lords were all very well, but they had forgotten the need to pacify the enchanters. It was not a question of what the court thought but of what the highly unstable court sorcerer thought, and Merlin would follow no king but Arthur.
Besides, the queen was pregnant with Arthur's child, so an heir was coming, and though the number of loyal knights was lower than it had been, Emrys rather made up for it. They didn't need a king.
He didn't know what Gwen thought about it all. No one did, so rumors kept flying.
There was something between them, he admitted only to himself. But it was a might-have-been, not a going-to-be.
One time, when they were playing princess and knight, Gwen announced that she didn't want to be a princess, she was going to be a queen. Leon solemnly promised to follow his queen to the best of his ability.
That promise, he was proud to say, he kept.