Chapter Text
---Chapter One – Aragorn/Legolas Slash---
Chapter One – The Confessions of a Fruity Silvan Elf
"Stay out of daddy's garden, you hemispheric poltergeist!" Aragorn yelled at the crazy and unknown nutter in his long-dead father's garden, where he grew Cabbage Patch dolls and minivans. Aragorn Crystal was very protective over this garden, considering that food was scarce after the war. Only Eru knows why someone would want to eat a minivan, though.
"But I'm hungry, my lady!" the creature protested. As the dude stepped into the light, Aragorn recognised him as Legolas, daughter of Thranduil, everyone's favourite greeble. The King always secretly thought that Legolas was as sexy as an igneous rock, but he kept his feelings inside because he didn't want to hurt Arwen's feelings. In fact, he and the rabbitlike Elf were going to be married the next morning, and this made everyone in Gondor feel like cowardly ladies named Felipe consuming the evolution theory.
"Get out of my garden!" he yelled again, this time pulling 'darling Leggie's' over-shampooed hair. Legolas fell to the ground and wailed like a quiet absolutism fiend from Near Harad. "Oh, I'm sorry, Legolas. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I also don't mean to meddle in your business, but what are you doing here?"
Legolas sniffled. "I forgive you because I love you in a romantic way. I wanted to look through that yonder window and watch your every move because I am an obsessive stalker who collects the pelts of hairy Dunlendings."
Aragorn was flattered! Legolas loved him?! "I love thee."
"Do you really?" Legolas questioned. "I thought you loved that rabbit."
"Rabbits are food, not wives, Leggikins. I have had feelings for you ever since I saw you break dancing at that karaoke club in Rohan."
Legolas and Aragorn snogged, and both of them wished that Arwen and the word 'bosom' didn't exist.
Chapter Two – A Wedding Gone Wrong
A priest I be
I can see
That Arry and Arwen love
Each other and a dove.
I be a priest
I have an infection of yeast
I marry people
And bungee jump off steeples.
I be a priest
Who watches 'Beauty and the Beast'
I pray for these almost married gits
I need to shave my armpits.
Earth to earth and dust to dust
I don't like pizza crust
If you have any objections to this marriage
Shut up and eat a carriage.
Yes indeedy, that priest from High School Faculty in Drag returned after hosting the Sacred Heart Halloween Shin Dig... unfortunately. Aragorn and Arwen's wedding was taking place in a muddy field full of port-a-potties and scientific niggle-swappers. When no one came forward to object to this multi-species union, Aragorn began to worry. He did not want to marry Arwen, and both he and Legolas were too scared to admit that they were in love.
"Mister priest, sir," Elladan, everyone's favourite lumpkin, said. "I object to this marriage. My sister is in no way worthy of the honour to be married to the heir of some corrupted dude, nor is he worthy enough to marry her Elven fouz. The King has a crush on Legolas Carlie, daughter of Thranduil!"
"Aragorn Crystal!" Arwen shrieked. "Is this true?"
He blushed like a grasshopper using the distributive property. "Yes."
"I hate you, you sardonic cyclops with a lisp!" Arwen ran away as she sobbed, and Aragorn had a feeling that she was going back to Rivendell to wed her father.
Legolas came forward and took Arry's hand. "Yet I will wed with the Fruity King of Gondor, if it be his will. And if he will, then let us crossdress by the river and in happier days let us dwell in fair Hades and there have a garden. All things will die with joy there, if my snookums comes."
"I hear wedding bells!" Éomer exclaimed. He began to preach, because that's a silly tradition the author started.
I walked through talking pastures
Full of mean and angry men,
I walked through foreign countries
To find a lonely hen.
I traveled up raging streams
That looked a lot like figs,
I wandered far in scary forests,
Longing to slaughter pigs.
I ate animated snowboards for dinner
And I attacked a beauty pageant winner.
I climbed the road of freedom,
Often falling on my ass,
I broke into an elementary school,
And disturbed a first grade class.
I met a man named Upchuck,
He was wearing a shirt of yellow.
I went to the beach
And poisoned dear old Longfellow.
What a poor whale, I do recall,
He always helped the homeless and cut study hall.
I walked through a door to happiness,
Where everyone is free,
But now I must walk through another door
Because I have to pee.
Chapter Three – Stupidness
"How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?" Legolas asked, smiling at his husband/wife. "I need to know before I pursue my dream of becoming a marine biologist."
"Woodchucks don't chuck wood, snookums."
"But what if they did?"
"Then they'd chuck a lot of it."
Then, without warning, that huge shark called Jaws broke into their home and ate them alive because Voldie got tired of writing pointless slash. The exceptionally quacktastic end.