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By all accounts, Jughead Jones was a peculiar teenage boy, but no one knew and accepted him like his best friend Archie Andrews. Jughead could not be less interested in girls (or boys, for that matter), not when there were so many different types of food in the world. There were endless varieties of burgers alone, topping combinations that had yet to be discovered, even, so how could he be expected to think about dating?
Archie didn't really understand this as girls were probably his favorite subject to examine, but he knew that his best friend had always been this way. He'd never been able to find a plausible explanation for this behavior, but he accepted this was the way Jughead was and would have been quite surprised if he ever changed. If anything, he preferred his friend this way because it meant their friendship would never be compromised over conflicting love interests.
It was on a Friday afternoon that Archie and Jughead found themselves on the front lawn of Riverdale High, looking forward to the next two school-free days. “Oh, hey,” Archie said abruptly. “Do you remember what history chapters we were supposed to read before Monday?”
“That sounds like the sort of thing I would ignore completely, so... no.”
“Thanks, buddy, you're a real help, as always.”
“I do try,” Jughead smiled. “Wanna head over to Pop's with me?”
“As much as I would enjoy buying you food, I'm supposed to meet Veronica here in a little bit.”
“Hm. Gross. You and Her Highness have fun, then, I guess.”
“You and your, uh... Dragonfire game have fun... too. Ugh, that made no sense,” Archie finished weakly.
Jughead snorted. “Dragoncide. And I already beat that game twice now. But I'm sure I'll find some way to amuse myself.”
As they parted ways, Archie let his head fill with his usual thoughts of girls and the way they often smelled so nice and how soft their skin looked and other disgusting, frivolous things until his reverie was broken by a sudden loud noise alarmingly close to his ear.
“Hey, Archie!” He came out of his female-induced daze to find an actual, live female standing very close to him. He'd expected to see Veronica but instead found another girl he sort of recognized. He'd seen her around but didn't have any classes with her.
“Hey, uh, Mary-Sue?”
“Susan Marie. Mary-Sue is my cousin, but I guess we do look alike. Anyway, how's it going?”
“Oh, good, I--”
Before Archie could finish, Susan Marie interjected with, “So I saw you talking to your friend Jughead earlier.”
Archie wasn't sure where this was going or how to respond so he just said, “Yeah, we do that. Talk, you know. Because we're friends.”
“So what's his deal anyway?”
Archie was even more confused than before. “Um, deal?”
“Yeah, like, what's he into?”
Archie thought it was weird that a girl he'd never really spoken to before would ask these questions, but he didn't see the harm in answering. “Oh, I dunno... burgers, videos games, most kinds of food, really, um... He plays drums in our band. Well, it's not really much of a band, we kind of just jam in my garage, but we're working on some stuff--”
“Yeah, that's cool,” Susan Marie interrupted again. “But I mean, like, what is he attracted to?”
Archie was dumbstruck. “Like how do you mean?”
Susan Marie gave a frustrated sigh. “Does he like girls? Guys? Robots? Anthropomorphic cartoon animals?”
Archie just stared for a moment before answering, “Jughead just likes... food. I mean, burgers, mostly, but, yeah. Just... food.”
Susan Marie frowned, obviously dissatisfied with Archie's answers thus far. “Alright, well. Thanks.”
She turned to leave and Archie said, “Ok, bye!” but she was already halfway across the lawn. Shortly after, Veronica appeared. “Hey, Ronnie!”
“Who was that girl, Archiekins?”
“I think her name was Susan Something.” Archie shrugged.
“What did she want?”
“She just kept asking a bunch of weird questions. About Jughead.”
Veronica seemed taken aback by this answer. After a short pause, she said, “Why?” She wasn't angry, just utterly bewildered.
Archie shook his head slowly, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Monday morning came and Archie had forgotten all about the bizarre exchange with Susie Whatshername. Feeling the usual sensation of “blegh” that accompanied most Monday mornings, Archie climbed the steps to the school's main entrance. He never did do that history reading assignment, mainly because he couldn't remember what he was supposed to have read, and if Jughead had remembered, he was completely unreliable when it came to answering text messages that weren't relevant to his interests.
Susan Marie, on the other hand, had spent nearly the entirety of the weekend mulling over the conversation she and Archie had had on Friday, while also devising a plan she considered to be absolutely brilliant.
Susan Marie had no explanation as to why she felt such a sudden attraction to this strange boy called Jughead. Perhaps it was his exceptionally pointed nose, or perhaps it was the way he so often sat in the cafeteria next to a stack of cheeseburgers, tearing through them like some sort of human wood-chipper that processes cheeseburgers instead of various wooden accoutrements. Whatever the reason, she found him to be darned irresistible.
If the road to Jughead's heart was paved with burgers, she was quite certain it would be simple to make him fall in love with her. Some might say her plan was crazy, but then, those people were probably single. The plan involved going to Pop's as soon as the place opened and ordering the most extravagant burger on the menu (with a large side of fries), to go. In advance, she had procured a large box which had once held a microwave, a sturdy wooden stick approximately 18 inches in length, and a long string.
It was ingenious in its simplicity, really—all Susan Marie had to do was arrange the burger and fries in an attractive manner on a large plate, and place them underneath the box, propping it up with the stick. To the stick she had tied a string, which was long enough to wind around the corner where she would be hiding. With the clever use of a compact mirror, she could peer around the corner, awaiting the arrival of the man who was destined to be her true love. When he fell for the burger-bait, as he most certainly would, all she had to do was yank the string, causing the stick to give way and the box to fall on Jughead, thus trapping him on the spot. When she freed him, he would immediately fall for her, and they would be together forever.
It occurred to her now that the only flaw in her plan was, well, what if he tried to run when she freed him? What if he was frightened, instead of grateful? Perhaps he'd still be too busy eating the burger to run right away. Then again, she'd seen him eating in the cafeteria enough to know that burgers didn't last long in the hands of Jughead Jones. As insurance, she decided to purchase a snack cake from the vending machine in the hallway in order to hold his interest. If a burger and fries alone were not enough to win his heart, surely a dessert heavily laden with preservatives, sugar, and trans-fats would do the trick. Susan Marie was tempted to allow herself a triumphant cackle but decided it was best to wait until her pointy-nosed prince was safe in her clutches, I mean, her loving embrace.
She had to wait rather longer than she expected, as attending class on time was not often high on Jughead's list of priorities. Still, she waited patiently, knowing that soon he would be all hers.
Eventually, she saw her beloved shuffle into view. He was every bit as beautiful as she remembered, from the top of his weird crown-beanie (a Google search had told her it was actually called a whoopee cap, whatever that was) to the bottoms of his filthy sneakers, one of which was untied and seemingly of no concern to him.
Jughead was walking to class at his own pace. Though the halls were mostly empty, the bell had not yet rung so he wasn't late yet. Even if he was, he didn't particularly mind. His next class was English, and as it was his native language, he didn't see what there was to be learned and would probably just sleep through it, anyway.
That's when he saw it—a poor, defenseless hamburger, seemingly abandoned in the middle of a hallway intersection. It still shone with grease, which told him that it couldn't have been there long or else it would have congealed by now. It was accompanied by a small mountain of golden french fries. He hadn't seen such a beautiful sight since, well, the last time he had a burger from Pop's, which in all fairness had been relatively recently. Still, his mouth watered at the sight, and the thought of some awful, thoughtless person leaving a burger in the hallway like this made his heart break.
The beautiful yet tragic hamburger seemed to be all alone, save for the fries and an old box that was propped up with a stick. This struck Jughead as odd, but his thoughts were clouded with visions of rescuing this poor burger and whisking it away, somewhere, anywhere but this godforsaken governmental institution of learning and misery. He had to do something.
“Don't worry, little burger-friend!” He exclaimed to the apparently empty hallway. “I will save you. You don't have to walk this wicked world all alone!”
Unbeknownst to Jughead, Susan Marie sat around the corner clutching her string in one hand and the snack cake in the other, listening to this dramatic soliloquy. She had to stifle a giggle because, wow, her soon-to-be-boyfriend was so poetic. She imagined him speaking to her in this manner, wishing to run away with him, perhaps to a big city far away from Riverdale where they could make out and eat burgers.
While she was lost in her fantasies, she failed to notice what was actually happening In Real Life, which was that Jughead had cleverly circumvented her practically fool-proof trap by picking up the box and heaving it aside. The sound of the stick clattering to the ground was what brought her to her senses, but by then it was too late. Jughead had picked up the plate and was carrying it off to some unknown location, where he was likely to devour it in a manner akin to a snake unhinging its jaw to swallow its prey whole.
The burger may as well have been Susan Marie's heart, which was now breaking apart as she watched her would-be lover disappear down the hallway. Her lower lip quivered as her eyes filled with tears. Then, channeling her pain into rage, she threw her head back and screamed, squeezing the snack cake in her hand so hard that crème filling exploded out of the wrapper and oozed down her clenched fist. She had been outsmarted, by some whoopee-cap-wearing, pointy-nosed, burger-loving dork, and now she was doomed to be alone forever. It just wasn't fair.
Several corridors down, her scream was still echoing as Jughead slid into his formerly-empty seat next to Archie in English class. Archie raised his eyebrows in concern. “What was that? Did you hear that?”
Jughead wiped the burger grease from his fingers onto his jeans and shrugged. “Nope.”
“Huh. Probably nothing, then.” He shrugged as well, before returning to his previously scheduled daydreams. English class really was The Worst.