Chapter Text
The red super-giant star approaches the end of its life. There is no more fuel to burn and make it shine. Soon it's massive dense core is bound to collapse under its own weight.
November
The day started as any other in the bangtan dorm.
They were late, as per usual. All of them were scrambling around the apartment in various states of undress. Hoseok ran down the hall in his boxers, screaming about his jeans that had disappeared. Jimin was lost in their spareroom-turned-closet as he dived into the racks to look for his favourite tan coloured coat. Seokjin was the only one 100% ready, standing at the door with sunglasses on his head and their manager by his side, yelling at them. Jungkook was in Taehyung's room complaining at the older who was wearing his fluffy woollen coat. Taehyung fired back that it technically belonged to both of them, since a fansite had gifted it to them both because it was expensive Gucci. Namjoon leisurely sauntered into the living room; wearing timberlands, overalls, and a hat in a rather fetching shade of green.
"Y'all are obnoxious as fuck." Yoongi yelled as he watched this all occur from the kitchen, getting a wave of various screams-slash-groans in response.
"Put on some actual pants, Yoongi!" Seokjin called, judging his favourite grey sweatpants.
"These are pants, hater!"
"Yeah!" Was Taehyung from inside the other room, using any opportunity to push his agenda on the other members who all wore skinny jeans every day. "You need at least double your leg size to be comfortable. Comfort is key, hyung!"
"If you get a picture taken of you today I'm going to make it our Twitter profile picture." Seokjin threatened Yoongi, but the other just looked at him. He smirked and shrugged, lifting his hands in the air in a way that made Namjoon burst out in laughter.
"Hit me with your best shot, hyung."
It was Saturday evening, and Yoongi was standing on a washing machine. Normal twenty two year olds might be out on the town on a Saturday night, out relieving stress from university or jobs with a drink or two. But, not Yoongi.
Because Yoongi lived in a dorm with six other men that didn't know how to adult.
He was currently in their laundry room, which was a glorified broom closet. It was the most annoying place to have to fix something, because every other member said they couldn't fit in there. They were right because he was already claustrophobic in there, but that didn't stop him from complaining. Plus, it was usually their laundry where things broke because it also happened to be where their electricity was the best, and everyone always stuck power boards in the walls and filled them past the limits with chargers of all shapes and sizes.
Yoongi was currently changing the lightbulb, a completely different issue. The last one had mysteriously disappeared, and they didn't unscrew themselves.
"Who steals a lightbulb?" Yoongi yelled from where his head was hidden by the top of the archway.
"Um." Jimin was standing just in front of the washing machine, therefore in the opening of the little nook. He had his hands holding firmly onto Yoongi's hips, as though to steady him. Yoongi was fine without him but Jimin always worried. He spent enough time with Taehyung to see the other fall off just about everything, so it was probably instinct by now.
"What do you mean 'um'." Yoongi huffed, before his hands froze in their unpacking the new bulb. "Wait, if none of you can get in here, then how come one of you managed to unscrew it?"
"Hemademepromisenottotell." Jimin let out quickly, the words blending together into one.
"What are you, five?" Yoongi rolled his eyes, before narrowing them down at Jimin. Jimin avoided his gaze. "Tell me."
"It was Namjoon-hyung." Jimin revealed almost immediately. "He was trying to lift his sheets into the machine but he overestimated how heavy they would be and swung it up and smashed the lightbulb. I helped him take it out so you wouldn't be mad."
"How the fu- you know what, never mind."
Yoongi focused on screwing in the new bulb, taking him only a minute. He let his hands fall once he was done, looking down from where he was staring at the roof.
As soon as he did he was hit with an intense wave of dizziness. He stumbled slightly, the washing machine complaining as his weight shifted. His vision blurred for a moment, Jimin's concerned features loosing sharpness as his world faded around the corners.
Yoongi looked down at his hands, waiting for his vision to clear as he watched them tremble when he held them up to examine.
These days a flight of stairs easily had him short of breath, and standing up too quickly made him dizzy. Sometimes he felt dangerously close to fainting during dance practice, and he knew Hoseok could tell by his slow movements and weak poses. He thought he was not getting enough sleep or something, but he tried sleeping more. A dizzy spell hadn't happened for ages, so he thought it fixed on its own.
"Woah." Yoongi commented, rubbing his temples.
"What happened, are you okay?" Jimin asked, looking about ready to grab Yoongi and put him safely on the ground.
This had been going on for a while, and yet he said nothing. He never usually did on principle, but this time it was getting worse, not better. But pondering brought more questions than he cared for.
"I'm fine Jimin, don't worry. Just the blood rushing back into my head."
He didn't have time for this.
Taehyung was bored. So, as a byproduct, he was also annoying as hell.
"But, Jungkookie!" He'd been whining for attention for over ten minutes, and Jungkook had had enough.
Jungkook just stood up, forcing Taehyung to move in order to not get his jaw hit by Jungkook's shoulder. The younger just turned to him, squatted and grabbed him tightly around his waist. Taehyung cried out when he felt his feet leave the ground, Jungkook just sighing at the effort as he carried him out of the room. Taehyung's hands immediately went to the arms secured around his waist, hitting and pushing at them.
"What? Jungkook!" He grunted as the younger just carried him like he was a misbehaving puppy. He was the Hyung here, not a little kid that needed to be put in his place. "I'm two years older than you!"
"You were born right at the end of December, you were barely in 1995; so you're actually only sixteen months older." Jungkook stated as he moved into the living room, ignoring Taehyung's attempts at escape. "You're also really annoying."
Jungkook threw him onto the couch without warning, making Taehyung shriek in panic before he felt the soft cushioning catch his fall. Jungkook looked at him, sighed, turned around and left. The door between them slammed shut. Taehyung pouted and crossed his arms. Jungkook never used to do that, but since he became an adult he was in the gym every other day. Taehyung used to be able to tease him until Jungkook gave in and did whatever Taehyung wanted, but now Jungkook could just pick him up and throw him when he had enough.
For the first time in three years, Taehyung wondered if he should join Jungkook at the gym.
Yoongi felt a soft pillow bounce off of his head and to turned around to glare at Hoseok, eyes narrowed and threatening death. The studio was soundproof, he could do it and nobody would know. Except Namjoon. He'd buy his silence with a Limited Edition Ryan plushie. Namjoon was weak as hell when it came to cute things.
“Namjoon!” Hoseok shrieked like a little kid, immediately regretting messing with him in his boredom.
“Nope." Namjoon popped the 'p', as he ignored Hoseok and continued moving his mouse and clicking on files. "I'm not dumb enough to get between you and hyung.”
Yoongi settled back into his chair, his pride mollified.
“Then again, you’re probably pretty safe with Motionless Min,” Namjoon turned around and giggled like the insolent child he was. Yoongi waited until his back was turned before ditching the pillow at him as hard as possible. Namjoon grumbled as it bounced off his head and hit the floor behind his chair, but he didn't try to throw it back. He knew he deserved it.
And that was how they spent their workroom days: talking half assed possibilities of another cypher, talking shit, and throwing shit.
He still managed to fall asleep, curled up into a ball on the couch in the workroom. He was always tired these days, even more so than usual. He was sure the pressure from their upcoming concert was getting to him.
It was worth it, though.
December
"Taehyung, do you want to come play with me?” Jungkook poked his head in the door, where Taehyung was laying sprawled on his bed playing his new blue 3DS Jimin had gotten him as an early birthday present. Technically, it wasn't supposed to be an early present, but as soon as Taehyung knew what Jimin got him, he annoyed him until he gave it to him early. Taehyung now had three games, but Jimin had held onto the fourth with a stubbornness unseen. The elder could certainly hold his ground when he wanted to.
Taehyung looked up, and his dark eyes focused on the game Jungkook held.
"Is that Modern Warfare 3?"
"Ya." Jungkook said with his signature smirk he was known for, showing of the sparkling new game with some over the top dorky hand movements which totally ruined the suave thing he was going for.
"When did you even buy that? Taehyung sat up, shutting his 3DS and launching himself of the bed in favour of the new game.
"You guys better keep it down. Yoongi's got a headache." Seokjin said as soon as he saw the two clamber out of the room and started pulling out the knotted and tangled cords of the PlayStation, one of the few things in their house that Seokjin refused to even touch when he cleaned.
The two didn't answer, and Seokjin just sighed and turned back around to face the stovetop.
The two weren’t playing long before they were joined by Jimin and Hoseok, who insisted that they wanted to play too. At some point during the game, Jimin ended up laying across Tae’s and Jungkook’s lap, his head resting on Taehyung’s knee, waiting for them to end the mission so he could take a turn.
Apparently, Hoseok decided Taehyung's turn was taking too long so he leaned his chest against the younger's back, breathing on the back of Taehyung’s neck to distract him and make him lose, thus granting him his own turn. Taehyung, like the fucking weirdo he was, was not even phased by the hot breath on his neck, still button mashing like a skilled veteran. Hoseok grinned, and when a zombie jumped up on the screen unexpectedly Hoseok let out a fake scream, and Taehyung threw his hyung off his back.
“Hey, stop it!”
Taehyung swung his non controller-bearing hand toward the elder, and Hoseok let out an offended squawk before lunging across and tackling Taehyung. Jimin screeched in protest as he got squished when Taehyung fell forward onto him. He tried to climb out of the playful yet competitive tumble, before his grip slipped where he held himself up on Taehyung's thigh, sending him sprawling and a foot flinging to hit Jungkook in the face.
The door to Yoongi and Seokjin's room clicked ominously, automatically freezing all the boys as their eyes swung around to watch the demon emerge.
His feet were bare and his clothes were rumpled like he'd just pulled himself out of bed with only the force of his unadulterated rage. His mint hair was stuck up all around around his eyes which glazed with the light of a thousand dying suns.
In quick accession, he hit all four boys over the head.
"Shut up."
And then he was gone.
The boys heads all swerved to look at Seokjin, who had peeked out into the living room when he heard the boys go silent. Seokjin frowned a little. It was unlike Yoongi, despite his usual steady demeanour. He, secretly, was actually a gigantic squeals-about-puppies-type-of-sweetheart. He was able to be harsh, sure, but the tone of voice they just heard was particularly grating and unfamiliar.
Yet recently, he hadn't been himself. Seokjin didn't want to intrude, after all they were a team but Seokjin was not his mother. Yoongi was a grown man, Seokjin just figured he'd get passed whatever was making him act weird.
But Hoseok's bottom lip started to tremble, ever the sensitive one, and Seokjin's mind was made up.
He turned around the lower the heat on the massive bubbling dish on the stove, putting the steel lid over it carefully not to make too much noise. He took off the oven mitts and hung up the apron. He gave the boys a stern look as he walked past, motioning at Jimin towards the kitchen to get some ice for Jungkook's face.
He carefully went down the small hall, easing up to the door. He twisted the knob, realising Yoongi had forgotten to lock it when he went back in. It was the first time he'd gotten into their room since Yoongi started locking himself up in there. He was getting tired of the couch.
There was lump in Yoongi's bed, which wasn't all that strange. He usually curled up in a tiny ball when he slept, yet this time slow breaths did not arise from the lump. Instead it was laboured, soft wheezing. Seokjin immediately crossed the room, tugging the blankets down to reveal a very feverish Yoongi.
"Hyung. Leave me alone." Yoongi said, but the whine in his voice showed the pain he was in.
"You're sick, Yoongi." Seokjin sighed. Because, of course, it made sense. Yoongi turned into a crabby hermit when he was sick.
He out a hand to Yoongi's forehead, which the younger batted away with a unidentifiable grumble. Seokjin pulled Yoongi's hand away with his other, pushing the back of his hand to Yoongi's sweating brow.
"You have a high fever. How long have you been sick? Two weeks, right? You might need a doctor."
"Urgh." Yoongi said, which Seokjin guessed probably meant 'screw you, you aren't my mom'.
"Come on, get up. I'm not gonna give you store bought stuff. You've been keeping it a secret Yoongi, and look where it's got you."
Yoongi just groaned, pushing his head down into his pillow like it would swallow him and take him away from the pain. Seokjin sighed before he pulled away the sheets from his body, trying to cool the younger's skin before he gave himself heatstroke. Yoongi shivered and voiced complaints, but Seokjin ignored him.
It was for his own good.
"Jungkook!" He called, deciding to call upon the youngest since Namjoon was not present. The boy had a level head and not much scared him, so he hoped he could deal with this better than the others. The boy appeared almost immediately, holding an ice pack to avoid the skin of his cheek bruising too noticeably. A patented method in their house when they did something stupid then needed to appear presentable the day after.
The boy looked over at Yoongi, and a frown came to life on his brow.
"He's been sick all this time." Seokjin sighed, and Jungkook just nodded. "We need to get him the doctor. Please call the company, tell them Yoongi is sick with a high fever and probably has been for about two weeks. They'll take it from there."
Jungkook left in a flurry of limbs, skidding on the wood floor in his socked feet as he scrambled for his phone. Seokjin looked back at Yoongi, shivering and panting on the bed. He sighed.
"What am I going to do with you, Min Yoongi?"
The doctor's visit was incredibly short, and undeniably anticlimactic.
Yoongi was incredibly anxious, sitting in the private GP's waiting room. There was magazines sitting around in holders and there was a tv in the corner, but Yoongi's attention was on his knees. Seokjin sat next to him, thoroughly entertained by the magazine in his hands.
The doctor brought them in without fanfare, not bothering to introduce himself since he was their bands doctor. He was always their first point of call if one of them fell ill or hurt themselves. He was quick and efficient, which the company admired. He also didn't bother with small talk or about their lives as idols, which Yoongi liked.
"He has the flu."
And that was it. A round of antibiotics and sleep was prescribed, and they were on their way. Yoongi had worried for nothing.
It didn't stop.
Yoongi had been sick for four weeks now, and he kept feeling worse. The doctor had said it would clear up within the week, but he felt no different after the round of antibiotics. He felt worse. His bones ached now, and his fever was higher. He waited until the fourth week before he decided to take things into his own hands.
He decided to look up his symptoms.
He was slightly anxious, laying on his bed as the fever threatened to burn up his bones. He wore as little as possible during the nights now, only a singlet and boxer shorts. He was sure Seokjin watched him with concern when he wasn't getting better despite the antibiotics, and wore so little despite the snow right outside their window. Yoongi had caught him more than once staring at his arms and his thighs which were skinner than normal. Yoongi hadn't been eating, he had no appetite, and it was showing.
He had forced himself to climb under his covers despite the burning heat, in order to avoid waking Seokjin with the light of his phone. He wasn't sure what to expect, looking symptoms up online usually just made things seem worse than they actually were. But shit, it wasn't like he could go to his doctor and tell them that he had the flu for a month now and it wasn't going away. That could cause so many problems if it got out. He could imagine the fucking fan café already.
Like most things in his life, he gritted his teeth and got to work. He opened a search bar, typing in his symptoms without pausing to think.
Fever, Persistent fatigue, Losing weight without trying, Easy bruising, Excessive sweating especially at night, b-
He stopped his thumbs momentarily, hovering over the screen covered in fingerprints. He wasn't sure he wanted to write it down, because the other ones were fine. They were things he had before, but...this...wasn't. He was afraid of what it meant, but the deep set ache in his spine and and legs did not lie.
Bone pain
The search bought up thousands of searches, listing a multitude of diseases almost instantly. Yoongi dropped his phone to his chest momentarily, the screen hitting him solidly against his chest.
Liver disease, Anaemia, Immune Thrombocytopenic Purpura, which was some sort of disease causing visible skin blemishes from blood cells that couldn't fucking keep it together. It even gave him appendicitis, which he could at least smile at. At least there was one fucking disease he was certain he didn't have, since he didn't even have an appendix. It was a nice solid relief since everything recently had been so deep in the Unknown. He didn't even know his own body anymore, and that was a terrifying thought.
Yoongi went to switch off his phone after scrolling a little bit more, but his eyes caught another illness.
Leukaemia.
Yoongi felt a full body shiver run from his head to toes despite the heat that blazed through him. He didn't even want to think about fucking cancer or anything that terrible. Surely the doctors would have picked it up if it was something so serious when he went for his flu diagnostic. It wouldn't, couldn't, be something like that.
He checked the time, seeing at bleary 1:30AM staring at him from the top of his screen. He just sighed, knowing if he looked any longer he'd overthink everything. And he knew better than anyone that overthinking things could leave you in a very dark place. So he switched off his phone, put it aside and threw the covers off his body. He curled up, closing his eyes; none the wiser to what was wrong with him but assured that everything would be okay.
It had to be.
The MAMA awards saw him feeling a little better. He figured his body had stopped deciding to be an asshole for five minutes to let him actually enjoy this moment. He ignored the strange new blemish that had developed on his hip. It looked like he'd broke the blood vessels just under his skin, which he had no reasonable explanation for.
But, out of sight, out of mind.
The world performers award settled like a validating weight in his hands as he cradled it in his hands on the way back to the hotel, sitting in the very back corner of their quiet van.
The boys had been overjoyed, so thankful to all the fans across the globe. Their energy had been running high, especially for Namjoon who preformed on his own without them. But with the high, came the crash. The boys were slumped in their seats, sleeping, hence the quiet van. Well, not exactly quiet. Namjoon's snoring was fucking breaking the sound barrier.
Yoongi was sure Jimin was awake, but he didn't lean over to check; too caught up in the weight in his hands. The trophy was small, but heavy due to the gold coating. He ran his fingers over the little poles across the bottom, holding up the gold square that had the awards name upon it.
Like he could ever forget it.
Yoongi thought he had control. Thought he was going to be just fine. He could deal, just try and make himself forget about the weird shit that was happening to him. Just preform, just do what he always did. Get lost in it, in the feeling so he could ignore the pain spreading through his bones. He could do it, he could control his own fucking body.
...but he should have known by now that he was never the one in control.
It was the Japanese concert when everything fell apart.
"Hyung? Here." Yoongi looked over, catching the bottle Taehyung threw at him. They were in intermission, and Yoongi was thankful because he felt so goddamn woozy. He tried not to let his hands shake as he opened the lid of the bottle.
He stood there for a moment, staring into the water in the bottle and wondering if it would make him feel better or worse. His fever was at an all time high and he felt so damn tired. He wanted nothing more right now than to take a nice cool shower and lay down on his bed.
He wondered when preforming had become a chore to him.
But he just shook his head. He wasn't feeling well, and he was sure by the next time they preformed he'd be able to thrive off the music and the screams of the crowd once more.
He decided to delicately sip at the water instead of gulping it down like usual, just in case. He had to take care of himself, he knew, but concerts were always so exhausting. Even those in the most perfect of health felt half dead after a three hour concert. He could tell by the way everyone else was slumped over various furniture, trying to stay buzzed and awake, that they felt it too. He was reassured without his members having to say anything.
There was sound of leather couch grunting as somebody shifted their weight upon it. Yoongi looked up from his water to see Seokjin twisting his head and leaning back, bracing his arms on the couches arm as he frowned. “Hey, you all right, Yoongi? Honestly.”
“Honestly, hyung? Not a clue."
Seokjin chuckled dryly. “Reassuring.”
“Tell me about it.” Yoongi released in a slow breath, tilting his head and raising his brows.
He then capped the bottle with shaking hands, moving over to sit next to Jungkook's quiet presence for ten minutes before stylists whisked them up again and shoved their bodies into tight pants and leather jackets. Before he knew it, they were on stage again with bright lights blinding them and the fans screams reaching a crescendo at their reappearance.
They had made their way to the stage down the catwalk, right in the middle of the hall and he wasn't sure when they had moved. He was just following muscle memory, his mind blurry and getting worse.
Yoongi tried to feel what his fans were feeling, focusing on them to draw himself away from the pain. He watched a young girl in the front row as he held his position after finishing the third song. His breathing was erratic, his hair mussed and his face sweaty but she was looking at him like he was some sort of deity. Everyone around her was screaming in Japanese and broken Korean, and so was she. All of them were reaching their hands out to him.
His breathing refused to slow, his limbs were shaking uncontrollably. He tried to blink away the sudden glare in his eyes, but when he opened them again his eyes couldn't focus. The world was spinning, the world a mix of colours and sounds all bright and screeching. The girls face went from elated to shocked when she moved closer, or maybe when he did.
He wasn't sure when he fell.
Namjoon felt like he was watching it in slow motion.
He was too late to notice that Yoongi's shakiness and slower movements was not just the normal fatigue. Too late to notice as his feet tipped from their position in front of him, all too close to the edge of the platform.
He could only watch as Yoongi plummeted off the stage.
The crowd just in front of them erupted into screaming as Yoongi fell on top of them. Namjoon heard the sick thump of Yoongi's shin hitting the barrier. Now, Namjoon was a wise leader. He was steady in his convictions and thoughtful in his decisions.
But the moment that horrible sound reached his ears was the moment when everything Namjoon had associated himself to be flew out the window.
He jumped down off the stage, ignoring everything but the bright blue of Yoongi's jacket disappearing into the mass of shocked people. He threw his upper body over the barrier, exposed hipbones slamming against the unforgiving cold metal as he reached desperately for the material of Yoongi's jeans.
The fans around him were all screaming in frantic Japanese, some trying to help by holding Yoongi up. He vaguely felt another person next to him, a body guard or another member he wasn't sure. He grabbed Yoongi's knee in a tight grip, stretching his back and abdominal muscles almost impossibly as Yoongi was dragged closer to wrap his arms around the smaller's waist. He barely noticed Yoongi's jacket falling from one limp arm or how his fingers dug roughly into Yoongi's bare skin in his attempt to get Yoongi back.
Because Yoongi's face came into view, and Namjoon knew he'd never forget the sight.
Deep, dark bags under his eyes were revealed by the sweat that removed his makeup. His skin was sickly pale, sweat sticking his mint green hair to his forehead. His head and his limbs were limp and listless, his body weight all too light in Namjoon's arms.
He looked like he was dead.
Namjoon heard a dry sob that he registered was his own, tearing from his throat as he tried to pull his best friend closer. He should have fucking known. He should have said something.
Yoongi wasn't alright.
He pulled Yoongi over the barrier, limp and flopping into his arms. He dropped to his knees, laying Yoongi limply on the floor and digging his fingers desperately into Yoongi's pulse. He sobbed openly when he felt Yoongi's heart beating like a hummingbird under his fingertips.
Namjoon collapsed the side in the small space, face against the metal bars of the stage and the rest of the world started coming back into focus. Security was climbing over him to get to Yoongi, fans being backed off by other security next to him and the members hovering on stage over him, unable to come down. It was all so claustrophobic, so intense.
Namjoon felt hands grabbing at him from above, and he looked up to see Jungkook laying on the stage to get as close as possible. He was saying something, reaching frantically down at him; hands reaching and veins in his forehead bulging.
"-ung! Hyung!"
"Jungkookie." He whispered, looking up at the young man. The youngest smiled at him in relief at his response, gripping Namjoon's jacket tight in his fists.
"He's gonna be okay. He's just hurt his leg, Hyung. He's okay. He's going to hospital." But Namjoon just shook his head, tears in his eyes. There was only one thing that was for certain.
"I failed him."
It was moments like these that Namjoon hated.
"Family only, they say. Who says we aren't his fucking family? He's my fucking Hyung, for god sake. I see him more than anyone else fucking does and they won't let me see him now when he needs us."
"Calm, Namjoon." Seokjin came up behind him to where he held the window ledge in a tight grip.
They were outside Yoongi's hospital room, watching Yoongi's newly arrived parents, talk to their son who was laying in the hospital bed, hooked up to more machines than Namjoon could neither count nor name.
The rest of the band was around them, dressed in street clothes. The concert had been cancelled immediately, the whole band rushed back to Korea. Yoongi was also transferred by helicopter back to Korea, all too reminiscent of the time he got appendicitis. They were in a private hospital that had a VIP section that served actors and, apparently, them.
However, they all looked the way Namjoon felt. Angry, tired and most of all; terrified. The plane ride over would have been the worst fucking experience of his life, just after the experience where he watched Yoongi fall of that stage. It had only been eight hours since the incident, but Namjoon felt like it happened only seconds ago. He could still feel the throb of Yoongi's pulse under his fingers, the adrenaline rushing through his veins.
Jimin was sitting on the floor at Namjoon's feet, head leaning on Taehyung's shoulder as the other boy sat next to him. Jungkook and Hoseok were sitting across the hall on the plastic chairs, Hoseok's eyes were dull and Jungkook was talking to him in a low voice, trying to get his attention.
It wasn't working.
The antiseptic smell was getting to Namjoon, making him more and more anxious. Yoongi looked dazed and confused as his mom grabbed his hand tightly. They were saying something to him, but Namjoon couldn't hear anything.
Namjoon was broken from his spiralling thoughts as a doctor walked up to Yoongi's door. She kept her eyes away from them, not even giving them a glance as she securely shut the door behind her. Namjoon watched the doctor walk in and speak to Yoongi's parents, breathing shallowly as his knuckles turned white on the ledge. Suddenly Yoongi's mother gasped like she'd been shot, hand clutching Yoongi's hand like he was going to disappear. Yoongi's father's mouth pulled into a tight line, sitting down heavily in the chair next to him.
Seokjin let out a desperate sob behind him, and Namjoon felt his nails dig into his shoulders. But he didn't really feel anything else, too fucking numb to register anything. He could only look at the look of defeat on Yoongi's face.
The doctor walked out, face solemn.
"Mr Min's father gave permission for you to be made aware." She said, pulling her clipboard close to her chest and not looking any of them into their eyes.
"Your friend has acute lymphoblastic leukaemia."
"..What?" Hoseok breathed, almost silently, looking around at them. "What does that-"
"Cancer." The doctor confirmed, before Hoseok's sudden loud sob interrupted her, like it had been punched out of him. "I..I'm sorry."
Namjoon’s knees gave out, Seokjin dragging himself down with him. Namjoon stared up at the bight sterile lights, long legs spread out limply before him. Next to him, Jimin was crying quietly into Taehyung's shirt. All around him there was so much misery, his friends all looking like their breath had been stolen from them.
"He's..." Namjoon said. "There's treatment. Good treatment. We have plenty money, right? We can get him the best fucking treatment there is."
"Pros of being famous: we can get the best treatment for cancer." Jungkook said with distaste, and Hoseok started sobbing again at the word.
"Just, don't say that word, Jungkook." Seokjin said, shaking his head. "We...we can't let Yoongi see us like this. You know what he's like, us being upset will make him worse."
"We will just turn it off then shall we?" Taehyung growled out, surprising everyone with how bitter and hurt his voice sounded. Taehyung was always the optimist in the group, the one who was the best at channeling out all the horrible feelings.
"Taehyung, don't talk to him like that." Jimin said, hitting Taehyung on the chest. "Seokjin-Hyung doesn't deserve it."
It was silent for a moment. Taehyung didn't apologise and Seokjin didn't forgive him. Neither particularly cared.
"We need...were good at pretending right? We can act." Seokjin said, speaking up again.
"Only for people that don't know us. Yoongi will see how miserable we are immediately and it will only make him feel worse."
"We have to try, Namjoon. We have to be strong for him." Seokjin whispered, looking at each of them.
"He's our Yoongi-Hyung. He will be okay. He's stronger than me and I have biceps larger than his thighs." Jimin said, ever trying to make everyone feel better despite the darkness that festered in his own heart.
"We don't know how he's going to react, but being Yoongi Hyung, I know he's going to ignore it. If he does, try to as well." Namjoon said, nodding.
"How are-" Jungkook started, but Seokjin interrupted him.
"Don't mention it. Don't bring it up. Talk if Yoongi wants to talk, but otherwise don't. It's his illness, and we might be ripped apart by it but we aren't the one that's really suffering. We need to remember that."
"Okay. We can do this. Before you know it Yoongi's gonna be fit as a fiddle." Namjoon smiled at Seokjin as the others nodded.
He just hoped desperately that their hearts weren't broken by the end of it all.
The news exploded.
Even the normal national news was tainted with the same pictures as all the typical idol websites. The shaky but all too clear picture of Namjoon curled over a limp Yoongi's body, fingers pressed against his pulse. Namjoon couldn't stand to look at it.
They hadn't even announced what was wrong with Yoongi, and their social media was already overrun. Swarmed with questions in English, Japanese and so on. It was overpowering, they couldn't even turn on the TV or open their Twitter without seeing the picture.
They'd been given strict instructions to not say anything. The managers didn't take their phones, for some reason. Namjoon kind of wished they had, because then it would be one less platform to see that hateful image on.
Yoongi was holed up in hospital, his family and doctors discussing treatment. They weren't allowed to be with him. But, Namjoon tried not to think of that too much because he might go insane with not fucking knowing how to help his best friend. Yoongi was on his own, without them, for the first time since they started out. They'd always made decisions together, mulling over pros and cons in the workroom room until the sky lit up with the dawns morning light.
But he knew no matter how much everyone around Yoongi worried, nothing was going to stop Yoongi when he’d made a decision, even more so when he’d set a goal.
Since they’d met, Yoongi had always been as closed off as ever, not realising that he had friends to help make the path easier. He was the type to keep everything to himself for the sake of others. He thought he could deal with everything on his own, keeping every worry and stress to himself until it swirled in his head like a ugly and dark storm.
Namjoon considered Yoongi his closest brother even if Yoongi had not realised it yet, because he’d follow Yoongi through a storm if it meant pulling him back out.
Cancer was no different.
The band spent New Year's Eve spread across the nation, huddled back into the homes they grew up in. Sitting in homes that suddenly seemed so small and pokey now that they had grown, with the wide open stadiums they performed in. They felt a huge disparity between the two sides of their lives; to the extent that a 'normal life' had become a reality they could never again attain.
Yoongi spent it in hospital with his mom clutching his hand and a bruise flaring on his leg, trying to figure out what he'd done to deserve this.
January
Namjoon got a message from an unknown number, telling him to come to the hospital. Namjoon did as he was told, however not without questioning the identity of the sender. He could never be too careful. However, he need not worry.
It was Yoongi's dad.
When he arrived, sunglasses on in the passenger seat of the company car, he wasn't sure what he expected. But, it sure wasn't fans camping out in the hospital gardens, trying to understand what the fuck was happening.
He loved them, but this was really none of their business. It was okay when he was on stage, when he was actually working as RapMonster of BTS. But right now he was just Kim Namjoon, a young twenty one year old man trying to see his best friend who just got the worst news he could have ever received.
He managed to get dropped off and rushed inside the building without too much hassle, but he heard the roar when the fans noticed his arrival just as the doors closed behind him. Pictures of him entering the hospital would be circulating within about two minutes.
Yoongi's dad waited at the reception, sitting in the plastic chairs with his head bowed. Namjoon approached hesitantly, and the man's head shot up. His eyes were bloodshot, dark heavy bags beneath them. Namjoon took off his sunglasses, and was sure he looked just the same.
"He ah...He's going back to the dorm. We can't, his mom... She can't take the paparazzi. She's very fragile, right now. We thought it best you could, since you were familiar with the whole process."
Namjoon just nodded, reaching to help the elder man to his feet politely.
He wasn't necessarily unfamiliar with Yoongi's parents, he'd met them multiple times. But, none of them really saw their own parents anymore, let alone the other members. Namjoon held nothing against them, they weren't bad people, the opposite in fact, because they just wanted what they thought to be the best for their children. Pursuing music was not apart of their plan for Yoongi.
But that was the past. And besides, if their were still any animosity it was sure to be gone now. They all needed to be strong as a family right now, regardless if it was by blood or not.
Namjoon walked down the hall beside Yoongi's dad, feeling very out of place. He got a few looks from other patients, a long one from a young woman that was wheeled past. His height caught attention, if not his actual identity, but it was attention he didn't want right now. He was at least thankful no phones were allowed to be on in this part of the hospital, he didn't want to see his sad and bloodshot eyes on the Internet when he already saw it in the mirror every morning.
Eventually they reached Yoongi's room, Namjoon's eyes focusing on him even through the glass as he approached. He was sitting on the bed facing away from the door, dressed in street clothes and talking to his mom. There was an IV next to him, cord disappearing from Namjoon's sight.
The door clicked as they entered, Yoongi turning to look before his eyes focused on Namjoon.
They stared at each other for a moment. It was the first time to talk to Yoongi since he was diagnosed and it felt so alien, like there was something unfamiliar between them now. It felt like he hadn't seen Yoongi in a long time, like Yoongi had been away and had come back, unrecognisable. Because there was an intravenous line disappearing under his shirt, the cord poking out of the collar of his t-shirt and snaking up to the IV.
But then Yoongi opened his arms, and everything just settled into place. Namjoon gently embraced him at first, but Yoongi was not having his best friend treat him like glass. He squeezed Namjoon tight, and Namjoon bent over awkwardly to bury his head in Yoongi's shoulder.
Yoongi was still his small and sassy Hyung. He wouldn't be brought down by this. Namjoon felt a flood of hope, hope that they would get through this okay. He'd take any hope at this point, no matter how misguided or fragile.
"Your chauffeur has arrived, sir." Namjoon smiled and Yoongi huffed in his arms, his own arms squeezing Namjoon a little tighter.
"Piss off." Yoongi whispered so his parents wouldn't hear, before letting the younger go.
"Well, let's go." Yoongi said. "I'm done for the day."
As if on command, a nurse appeared. With a small bow, she wiggled her way between Namjoon and Yoongi to check on his cords.
"Schedule already sorted?" Namjoon said, trying to keep the mood light. Yoongi just shrugged, but Namjoon didn't miss his wince as the IV shifted. The nurse turned back to Namjoon.
"Here is the information on his treatment. I am told you are to be his carer, therefore it is your responsibly to ensure he receives his treatment." The nurse said, handing him a booklet from her clipboard. Namjoon took it gingerly, placing it in his messenger bag so he wouldn't have to look at it just yet.
"Please watch closely, I will demonstrate how to disconnect his intravenous line."
Namjoon swallowed, moving closer to watch the demonstration. His eyes flickered to Yoongi, whose expression was closed. The nurse was efficient, showing how to seal the valve to stop air from getting into Yoongi's veins as she disconnected.
"-And finally the tubing needs a saline bath after every use."
Namjoon just stared, trying to process the information. This was his responsibility, but not just a normal responsibly as the leader of his band. This one was serious, serious enough that if he did it wrong he could kill Yoongi by getting air in his blood.
"Namjoon." Yoongi's voice brought him back, only for him to realise he'd been staring at the point where tubing disappeared into Yoongi's chest.
"I...ah." Namjoon swallowed.
"If you are still unsure, there is a step by step guide in your carers booklet." She smiled warmly, before turning back to face him properly. "This is not a normal situation, Kim Namjoon-ssi. Normally a nurse would visit Min Yoongi-ssi but we understand your situation is delicate and this is the best option that is available. Min Yoongi-ssi will have to visit hospital every month to ensure proper treatment is taking place."
Namjoon took another look at Yoongi's whose expression hadn't changed, cleared his throat and nodded.
"It was recommended Min Yoongi-ssi travel in a wheelchair to avoid strain after weeks in a bed, but he has refused." The nurse smiled at Namjoon. "I'll leave the rest to you and your management. We will see you on the 6th."
She bowed and left.
Namjoon let out a shaky breath as the room fell into a deep silence.
"Let's just go." Yoongi whispered, tucking the tubing under his shirt and standing up. Namjoon had to clutch his hands against his side to avoid the sudden urge to help him to his feet. Yoongi was not helpless now, he hadn't become a different person, and Namjoon had to remember that.
Yoongi's mother stepped forward to embrace her son, and Yoongi returned the embrace.
"We don't have to go back, we can still stay in Seoul."
"No, mom. Go home. I'll be okay." Yoongi said and Namjoon picked up on a former discussion he was not apart of. So Yoongi's parents would be going home to Daegu at Yoongi's request.
"I love you, Yoongi." His mom said, kissing his cheek as she let him go. Yoongi's father gave him a similar embrace, gently patting his back.
"Call me, son. I'll come as soon as you need me."
And then they were both gone, free to leave as normal, anonymous citizens. Namjoon and Yoongi did not get that choice.
"Okay. Okay." Namjoon said, putting all the new information and feelings to the back of his mind to finish processing later. He needed to get them both out of the hospital now, back to the car and back home.
Yoongi was already walking out of the room, so Namjoon followed weakly, carrying the belongings left in a duffle bag on Yoongi's bed. He threw the straps over his back, jogging awkwardly to catch up.
"Give me your jacket." Yoongi said as they walked through the long sterile VIP hallways, soon to enter the normal hospital. Namjoon gingerly took off the duffle again, pulling his large black hoodie off his body. Yoongi took it from him with a small noise of thanks, pulling it over his jeans and t-shirt. The hoodie was massive on him, and suddenly Namjoon understood.
He was hiding himself.
Hiding the tubes that dangled unfamiliarly against his chest, hiding his arms and his neck and his thighs and his face. Hiding everything that was a clear statement of what was happening to his body.
Namjoon was thankful, because he hadn't even thought of it.
Yoongi pulled the hood over his head just as they entered the normal section of the hospital, merging close to Namjoon with his head down as was standard procedure for them. They had to learned over time to merge with the closest familiar body or group and just keep fucking walking. Namjoon powered on, pulling his phone from his pocket as they neared the lesser known side entrance to alert the driver.
"Ready?" Namjoon whispered to Yoongi who hovered at his elbow.
"I wanna go home, Joonie." Yoongi whispered back. Namjoon swallowed, pushing his glasses over his eyes and pulling Yoongi to his side as the doors opened. Yoongi immediately ducked his head.
"Suga!" Was the word on everyone's lips, a swarm gathered with the sole intent to pry into their lives. There was even a fucking reporter in the crowd, so close Namjoon could see the cracks in her lipstick. Namjoon cursed silently at hospital security and his own naivety to think they wouldn't know he and Yoongi would come this way. He also cursed because he had really thought they wouldn't come this close.
He missed 2013 intensely, when he could just visit Yoongi in hospital and nobody knew who he was. But, 2013 had been a terrible year for Yoongi, and Namjoon hoped desperately that 2016 would not top it. It was a different year.
But, ironically, it was still Yoongi's own body that was hurting him.
He almost ran to the black van that pulled up, Yoongi pressed tightly to his side. The driver hadn't opened the door, still in the drivers seat ready to gun it as soon as they climbed in. Namjoon shoved open the door, almost throwing Yoongi inside before he slid in beside him. The driver was already at 20kph before Namjoon even wrenched the door shut.
He leant back against the headrest, breathing hard. Yoongi stayed silent next to him, curling up in the spot Namjoon threw him. Namjoon didn't tell him to put on his seatbelt, because he looked like he was one word away from losing it.
Namjoon opened his mouth, then closed it. He remembered the discussion with Seokjin, about not talking about it unless Yoongi initiated the conversation. He also knew asking him how he was feeling was going to guarantee a sarcastic answer.
"Are...are you going to be okay?" He asked instead. Yoongi was the strongest person he knew, but cancer was just on another fucking level.
Yoongi didn't answer for a while, but when he did it was quiet. Staring out the window, shoulders slumped and head heavy.
"...I don't know."