Chapter Text
Evan Hansen’s head was filled to the brim with noise that only his brain could create. The kind that only turned up in intensity when he tried to block it out. The only way to shut it out was walking, and these days, it seemed like that’s all he ever did. He and Zoe haven’t talked since he revealed to her and her parents that the whole Connor thing was a sham, and he still had so much guilt over it. People still recognized him for the Connor Project and the good that it did, but he definitely didn’t deserve all the positive attention.
The only good thing in his life lately was that he finally started to repair the friendships that he almost lost during all the mess. Alana was polite, but still pretty distant. Jared was a little faster to come around. Regardless of all that happened with the Connor Project, Evan definitely knew why he was being noticed all of a sudden. The school started looking closer at the outcasts, and because they didn’t want another suicide on their hands, they threw the loner kids a bone. At least, that’s what his anxiety was screaming at him tonight. Around 9:30 or so, Evan slid on his sneakers and quietly walked out his front door. It wasn’t really necessary for him to be this quiet; his mom wouldn’t be home for a couple hours. Yet, he always felt the need to make the smallest impact he could whenever he went somewhere. He wouldn’t be noticed either way, so why make a bigger fuss than was necessary?
The cool breeze that blew after he stepped outside already began to untangle the fried wires in his head. His first steps after he reached beyond his front stairs were tentative. He wasn’t sure where he could go to clear his head at first. His first thought was the city park that wasn’t too far from his house, but upon thinking about it, the only things that would be happening there this late at night was teenagers smoking. Even if no illegal substances were being passed around, there was a good chance that kids from school would be there. And in times like these, seeing his peers would only make his anxiety worsen.
After walking down his driveway to the sidewalk, Evan realized there was only one place that would help him to calm down tonight. The high school. It sounded ridiculous, especially because of all the pain that building normally caused. Yet, the cool grass of behind the bleachers always seemed to be able to ground him. Evan hoped that it was late enough for some dew to have fallen. Even though it was going to make his clothes damp, he loved the way wet grass felt on his finger tips. As the rubber soles of his sneakers slapped the pavement, his heartbeat had slowed enough for him to breathe normally again. He took a deep breath, taking in all the sounds of the night around him.
For as long as Evan could remember, he had loved the sounds of nature. When he was a child, his mom gave him a disc with the sounds of crashing waves on it, and taught him how to put it in a CD player so he could fall asleep to it. It kind of made him feel like she was still at home when she had to work late nights. As he grew older, the sounds of rain and ocean waves never failed to soothe his nerves. Turning the corner, Evan realized he’d was a lot calmer now than he was at school that day. As he approached the school grounds, he pulled out his phone to text Jared. He wouldn’t mind the company right now, and he didn’t think Jared would mind either.
Evan the Friendly Ghost: Hey. I was headed over to the school’s bleachers to stargaze. Wanna join me?
J-Man: I mean, as long as this isn’t a gay thing, I can probably be there in fifteen minutes. Don’t climb any trees before I get there. Oh, and don’t even think about climbing the bleachers.
Evan the Friendly Ghost: Always the comedian. I’ll be in between the concession stand and the bleachers. See you then.
Evan sighed as he finished the conversation. Even with friends he trusted deeply, texting was still hard. He was more comfortable with Jared than others people, but he still had to take deep breaths before sending a text. Soon enough, Evan was lost in the sound of his shoes on the pavement again, and eventually reached the gates of the school’s football field. He hopped over the low fence with ease and scanned the grass for a spot to lie down. He found a nice spot beside the bleachers, and lowered himself to a lying position. As he did, the stars came into focus. Evan sighed contentedly. He could stargaze for hours. He lied in the grass for a little while, running his fingers through the damp blades, until a dark figure appeared above him, the light of the moon reflecting off his glasses.
“Remember, you promised me this wouldn’t be a gay thing.” Jared couldn’t keep a straight face as he said that. He sat down next to his friend, and Evan propped himself up on his elbows.
“Yeah, I’m aware that I said that. Just sit down and shut up for a minute.” Evan was only slightly amused by Jared’s antics before he fell silent. Jared shifted in place before breaking the silence with one of the most serious things Evan ever heard him say.
“So how are you holding up after all of this?” Jared didn’t turn to look Evan in the eye. He just stared at the stars and waited for Evan to respond. Evan struggled to form any words. All he could produce were a few stutters before he decided to spit it out.
“Well, somedays I wish I had never done any of this. Other days, I’m glad I did, even if it was for the wrong reasons.” Evan sighed and stayed silent, waiting for Jared’s response.
Jared garnered the best response he could.
“Honestly Evan, I think the best thing for you to do right now is to not let the past control you. You did what you did, and it happened. We can’t change that. I mean, I was furious for a while that you abandoned me for the Murphy’s. Hell, some days I still am. But I know you were just craving a real family, and your intentions just got skewed along the way.”
Jared bit his lip when he didn’t hear a response right away. He hoped he hadn’t hurt Evan’s feelings. He just felt for the kid. He wanted things to go better for him. Jared would never admit these things out loud of course, but he thought of Evan like a brother. The whole ordeal that he went through with the Murphy family, while not entirely not his fault, was still really hard on him. After what seemed like an eternity, Evan finally spoke, his voice quiet.
“I’m still going to Dr. Sherman, if that’s what you’re saying. Even though the letters assignment obviously backfired.” For the first time since Jared had showed up, he almost saw Evan crack a smile.
“Sometimes it’s just hard to dig up all this crap and talk about how I feel about it. Why can’t it just be as simple as I felt invisible, and then I didn’t? At this point, I just want to leave this school behind and go to college. It doesn’t hold anything for me anymore, and honestly it just makes me anxious. But I can’t ever really get away from what I did, and the way Zoe looks at me whenever I pass by kills me. People still see me as some kind of hero, and I know I don’t deserve that. He took in a sharp breath, feeling a lump form in his throat. “I just don't…”
Jared looked over and saw tears in Evans eyes. He immediately sat up, and looked him square in the face.
“Evan, dude, you need to breathe with me for a second. Do you need to grab my arm or something to ground yourself?” Jared braced himself for a death grip on his arm, but nothing came. Evan turned away from him, hot tears rolling down his cheeks. He hated crying in front of people. He especially hated crying in front of Jared. He was waiting for some sarcastic comment about how he was a pussy for crying, but instead felt Jared’s arm wrap around his shoulders.
“Hey, it’s okay.” He rubbed Evan’s back. “Zoe may still be mad at you, but she doesn’t blame you entirely. Everyone involved needed what you did for a different reason. I’m not condoning it or anything, but Zoe’s not constantly judging you for all this shit. She knows you better than that. Take that into consideration the next time you see her. You’re going to graduate in less than six weeks, so just try to keep all of this in perspective.”
Evan didn’t respond. He didn’t know how to respond to that. All that did was make him cry harder. Jared winced. He couldn’t stand listening to Evan cry. “Look, I know I’ve said this before, but if your anxiety ever escalates during school, come see me. Text me, come into my class, do whatever. I don’t care. But don’t think that you can just blame yourself for everything. I’m always here if you need someone to talk to. I swear.” Jared let out a long breath. He somehow had managed to get that out in one sentence. Evan nodded and wiped his eyes. Jared took advantage of the silence to say something else.
“You asked me to stargaze because you were having an anxiety attack, weren’t you?” Jared knew that from the start, but wanted to let Evan get all his thoughts out before Jared confirmed it. Evan finally found the words to respond to Jared, but wasn’t ready to look him in the eye.
“Honestly, a lot of the times that I’ve asked you to hang out was because I can’t trust myself to be alone. Even after I told you, I figured you wouldn’t want to take care of me when I’m like this. At least, that’s what I told myself. And I just didn’t feel comfortable asking you outright. Especially since every time I tried to, my brain would become overloaded. I know it’s not a big deal to you, but I always felt like it was, you know?”
Evan stared at the ground, unable to meet Jared’s eyes. Jared sighed, half out of sadness, half out of frustration. He knew Evan never wanted to ask for help when it came to his emotions. But instead of repeating how willing he was to help, he simply laid a hand on his arm and smiled. After a few seconds, he decided to break the tension.
“I don’t know about you, but I’m getting cold. And since this isn’t a gay thing, I think we better head inside somewhere. Unless we decide that it’s okay for two dudes to huddle together for warmth.” Jared smirked, hoping that would lighten the mood at least a little bit. It seemed to have worked, because Evan laughed and got up from where he was sitting.
“As much fun as huddling or warmth sounds, I think I’d rather head back to my place as watch a movie. Jared smiled. He was glad Evan was back to his old self again.
“Alright dude. Let’s go watch a movie. But none of those sappy romantic comedies you like. I don’t want you crying again.” Jared joked about this, but he knew how those movies affected him. Especially on nights like this. Evan just smiled, because he knew Jared would probably let him watch whatever he wanted regardless.
“Yeah, yeah, no tear-jerkers. I get it.” Not that he really minded what movie they watched. He was just happy to have the company when he’d already beaten himself up so much today. Jared reached out his hand for Evan to help him up, and slung an arm around his shoulders. They started walking to Jared’s car when he spoke up again. “Oh, and you’re on popcorn duty.” Evan rolled his eyes. “Whatever you say, pal.” Jared shoved his arm, grinning. The two of them got into the car, and drove off, glad that all the tension from the night had finally faded away.