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He didn’t even know how he ended up in front of Nekoma High, but he was standing there. He was standing there with his hands in his pockets and was staring at the gate of the building. Maybe he should have gone in, now that he was there, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t as he couldn’t do anything in the last two weeks concerning his mistake. Because it was his fault. It was clearly his fault, that Nekoma had to participate in the prelims of the Spring Tournament without its captain. It was clearly his fault that Kuroo had to sit out on his very last high school tournament. More than two weeks had passed since then yet Tsukishima hadn’t done anything. He couldn’t do anything even though he couldn’t forgive himself. He had to do something. He had to do something for the one he loved…
There was only five weeks until the Spring Tournament when Karasuno and Nekoma had a week-long joint training camp in Tokyo and Tsukishima still had problems with his blocking technique. That lead to him throwing away his pride and asking that scheming captain of Nekoma for help in an evening.
So that's why Tsukishima was standing in the gym adjusting his goggles. It was already the last night of the training camp and the third evening he went to have extra training with the Nekoma guys. Still he felt no progress.
“Hey Tsukishima! How long do you plan on daydreaming there?” he heard an impatient voice. “We won’t wait for eternity...”
“Hai, hai.” he said sighing, took a ball and went to the court, but he had already lost his determination long ago.
They were already practicing for an hour when Lev pissed Tsukishima off. That arrogant, half-blood, incompetent first year said, that there's no use for Tsukishima in practicing blocking, because he won't ever be better at it. He even said that ''that chibi'' is a way better middle blocker than Tsukishima, but this one was clearly just for pissing off the blond guy. And it worked…
In the next turn, when Tsukishima had to block, he wanted to show the other freshman, what he can do. He stood next to Kuroo, who had to block with him and waited for the ball. And the ball came... at the same time as Lev's grin, that made him mess up his timing and lose his balance in the air. It seemed even Tsukishima can get pissed off of something small like this. That was maybe surprising from the usually cool, composed and blunt boy, but that time somehow he got lost. The cause could be anything… basic frustration, hopelessness, Lev’s blabbering… anything, and it wasn’t important. Important was that he lost his temper and at the same time he lost his balance, he bumped into Kuroo and both of them fell down.
''Heh! As I said, you suck at this! Give up!'' Lev said while Tsukishima was sitting up holding his head, that he had hit a bit.
''Shut up! You....'' the blond freshmen reacted, but stopped when he realized that the other first year wasn't looking at him, but at the space next to him. He looked there and saw Kuroo lying on the ground clenching his left knee.
''Oi, Kuroo! What's wrong?'' his teammates were rushing at him.
''It's nothing. Calm down. I just hit my knee a bit.'' he said using his cool voice and tried to stand up. But standing up was impossible for him in that state. Everyone saw the pain on his face when he tried to move his left leg even a little bit.
''Hey, bud'! That clearly isn't 'nothing'! Let's get you in the infirmary!'' Yaku said grabbing the other teen's shoulder.'' Come on, Lev help him stand up! Yamamoto, you too!'' he ordered, but while the freshman helped at once, the second year rushed at Tsukishima and grabbed his T-shirt angrily.
''Oi, Karasu! What have you done, with our Captain?! You injured him on purpose! Eh?!'' he said, but Tsukishima was speechless.
''Calm down, Yamamoto, it wasn't his fault...'' Kuroo said trying to use his cool voice again but it trembled in pain, as Lev helped him on his foot. ''It was an accident''
''Captain...'' Yamamoto let Tsukishima go, and went to help Kuroo.
Tsukishima just stood there staring as they were walking away. It wasn't his fault?!
NO! It was clearly his fault. If he had calmed down and hadn't pay any attention to Lev and hadn't wanted to show off, Kuroo wouldn't have gotten that injury.
After the accident the practice ended up for the evening and he didn’t even know ‘till the next morning how Kuroo was doing. He sprained his left knee and his ligaments were damaged when he landed badly, so it seemed the recovery would take him 4 to 6 weeks... there was no way for him to participate in the Spring Tournament.
When they left the whole Karasuno team wished him a fast recovery, only Tsukishima was standing there without saying anything. No one said anything about him, no one blamed him. But it was his fault and he knew that. He knew it and he couldn’t escape from his sense of guilt.
That had happened more than two weeks before, so they had less than two weeks until the beginning of the tournament. And he hadn’t done anything yet.
His heart ached again. Again and again. Every time he thought about what he had done. That hadn't been like this before. Bur after the incident every time he thought about Kuroo his heart was full of sorrow. He didn't want to define this feeling, but he wanted to get rid of it. Maybe that's the real cause for him being where he was. Still he couldn't go in, he couldn't gather enough confidence for doing so. Finally, he changed his mind and with his hands in his pockets he was ready to turn around and go home. That was the moment when he caught a glimpse of Kuroo and Kozume, who were walking alongside each other out of the school. Kuroo was leaning at his crutches and just this sight made Tsukishima feel so guilty that was unbearable. He couldn't face him. Not now, not at this state. Not when Kozume was with him. So before they could notice Tsukishima, he hid himself behind a lamp post.
Fortunately, the two other boys went in the opposite direction so they didn't even had the chance to notice him. Still because of some inexpliquable because he followed them. He followed them all the way to home maybe waiting for Kozume to disappear and leave Kuroo alone, but because the small setter was Kuroo's neighbor it wasn't really possible. At last they said goodbye and went in. That time Tsukishima was hiding behind a tree before Kuroo's house thinking about the cause of him following them. Since it wasn't a sane action. He caused Kuroo's injury, since that two weeks passed and he didn't apologize yet and now he was even stalking him. How deep can Tsukishima sink? He shook his head. What he did wasn't right, he had to go home. He took a glance once more in the direction of the front door of Kuroo’s house behind that the black haired boy had already disappeared and then he left.
The next day he had to face his whole team, especially an angry coach Ukai. Of course he had to, since he skipped school and practice without saying anything anyone.
Of course he had made up some excuse for it before, but it was clearly just made up. Still he didn’t really care about it. That incident bothered him more. It bothered him so much he could barely concentrate at practice. His blocks were off, his timing more so, his receives were extremely terrible. Only his serves weren’t that bad, but only because his turn was after Hinata’s and after him Tsukishima seemed to be better.
“Tsukishima!” coach Ukai’s voice filled the whole gym. ”Stop and come here!”
The blond boy sighed and slowly walked to the coach, while trying to prepare himself for the scolding.
“What’s wrong? Your timing is off, your blocs are awful, not to mention the receives.” the coach sounded pretty dissatisfied and he had a reason to it. “Concentrate! Your play has only gotten worse since the training camp. If you won’t brace yourself, I won’t put you on the court. Keep that in mind! Now go back practicing!”
“Yes, sir!” Tsukishima answered without looking up. He was staring at his feet all along.
Of course his performance got worse since the training camp, because his mind was always somewhere else. He was always thinking about Kuroo or how he was doing. Maybe among Tsukishima’s feelings there were some self-pity as well, but he wouldn’t admit it. Maybe that was the cause for him going to Tokyo the day before. He wanted to make things easier for himself...
He really had to pull himself together… for the sake of the team… for the sake of himself…
The next one and a half week he did everything he could to shut Kuroo out of his head. For him Karasuno had the first priority, so he had to forget about his sense of guilt for the time being. Sometimes it worked… but sometimes not…
At practice he could finally concentrate on playing even though after some blocks he could see Kuroo lying on the floor clutching his knee. Still he was doing better. In the school he could distract his thoughts with the classes and aimless chatters with his classmates and Yamaguchi. But in the evening his sense of guilt got the better of him. He would always fall asleep late, in the middle of the night and when he did he would dream about that evening.
He was unusually hard on himself concerning this incident. He never really cared that much about anyone, not after he had learned that his big brother used to lie to him. But this time somehow he couldn’t get it out of his head no matter how much he tried. When he let his guard down his head was full of worry and sense of guilt and deep inside his heart he even knew why. He just didn’t want to accept the answer.
So almost two weeks had passed and it was already the day before the first match of the prelims for Karasuno. Coach Ukai was announcing the starting members and Tsukishima was among them. It seemed he could keep his spot on the court. That made him feel relieved, he felt like he could do it…
Yet he couldn’t sleep that night either. His thoughts were all around Kuroo and he even dreamed about that incident. Again. So the next morning he appeared before the team with dark shadows under his bloodshot eyes.
“Whoa! That’s strange! To think that even Tsukishima can get so excited to the point he can’t sleep in the night.” Hinata was laughing but only until the blond boy made him shut up with a cold glance.
“I don’t wanna hear that from you” he said glancing at the nylon bag the small boy held in his hand.
Nevertheless, they won their first match by a huge margin in two sets. It wasn’t that hard, but Tsukishima was glad that it kept him busy so that he didn’t even have time for thinking about anything else. At least till the end of the match.
It was after the match, when they were changing that it changed. At some point Hinata just jumped up from the bench he was sitting on drawing the attention to himself. Though that wasn’t that odd.
“Big news” he shouted in the locker and Tsukishima rolled his eyes. He already knew his small teammate and could imagine what kind of big news they could be. “Kenma just texted and said Kuroo-san will be able to play in the prelims the day after tomorrow!” Hinata announced happily and everyone got even more cheered up. It was known that the Tokyo prelims would begin later than in Miyagi, but even so they wouldn’t think that Kuroo would really make it. Still it seemed that everyone was effected by that unfortunate event of the training camp to some extent and now everyone was relieved. Everyone but Tsukishima.
Somehow he couldn’t be happy about it. His heart was filled with worry and he felt like this recovery was way too fast. He was there when it happened. He saw Kuroo’s face that evening. And last but not least he already knew Kuroo well enough. Well enough to know he would do anything to get back to the court on his last high school tournament. That’s one of the causes he felt so guilty.
It didn’t take him too much to decide to go watch the first match of Nekoma. Fortunately, that day Karasuno didn’t have any match.
Two days later Tsukishima got up early to get in the gym where the tournament was held, in time and he had been in the viewing area even before the competing teams arrived. The first team was unknown for the blond haired middle blocker, but he couldn’t care much about them. He didn’t come for them. He came to see Nekoma and its captain. He came to see that Kozume was right and Kuroo had already recovered. But somehow he doubted it.
Finally, Nekoma arrived as well. And there he was. Kuroo was there with his bedhead, wearing his typical expression that made Tsukishima’s heart race… Yeah his heart raced and somehow suddenly he was out of breath, as if he had run all the morning. Since when did he feel like this when he saw Kuroo? He shook his head. There wasn’t any time for this. He lowered his glance and looked at the black haired third year’s legs. As he suspected Kuroo’s left knee was covered by a black brace. Anyone could have mistaken it for a kneepad, but Tsukishima was searching for it, and it was clearly a knee brace.
Yet it didn’t mean anything. Tsukishima tried to convince himself that Kuroo was wearing that thing out of caution. But it didn’t seem that convincing.
Then the match began and the blond haired boy couldn’t take his eyes off of Kuroo.
The first half of the first set was eventless. Kuroo was starting in the back raw, but it didn’t last long, because the first few points were fast for both teams. And when he was in the front raw he didn’t jump that much, still his blocking technique was as good as always. He seemed to do well. At least until he rotated back to the back raw. This time he had to spend there much more time and the rallies were longer as well. He had to receive the ball more times, that required him to bend his knee. He even fell a few times saving a ball and at the same time hitting his knees. This time he didn’t seem to be doing that well. His teammates may had not discovered, because he was playing his role well, but Tsukishima, who was only watching him, saw the small winces, the gritted teeth and how Kuroo was favoring his left leg. The blond haired middle blocker clenched his fists and looked at the scoreboard. It was 22 to 19 for Nekoma. They still needed three more points.
“Out!” called the referee and the 19 turned 20.
It was the opponents turn to serve and Kuroo was still in the back raw. The ball came flying and its aim was perfect. The right corner (from the POV of the serving player), where Kuroo was standing. Some players would have mistaken it for an out, but Kuroo was too good for a mistake like that. He reacted immediately and received the ball. It was a perfect receive, the ball bounced directly to the setter and Kozume tossed it. But Tsukishima couldn’t see how the attack ended, because he was totally occupied with paying attention to Kuroo. The black haired captain stood up with favoring his left leg again. It seemed his knee wasn’t keeping up very well by that time.
The whistle indicated another point, this time for Nekoma. Kuroo finally could go to the front row.
After that the last two points came fast and the first set ended with the victory of Nekoma. It was followed by a short break and Tsukishima saw Kuroo leaving the gym and the blond boy decided to speak with the other. He had to speak with him.
He found Kuroo in the hallway sitting on a bench and massaging his bad knee while he was swearing under his breath. The black haired boy was clearly not satisfied with his performance in the first set. and seeing him like this the dagger of guilt stabbed Tsukishima again hard.
It seemed Kuroo hadn’t noticed him, so he hid himself behind a wall. No matter how he tried he couldn’t gather his courage to face the other guy even though he didn’t want Kuroo to go back to the court.
“Maybe you should sit out.” Tsukishima heard a bored voice.
“Kenma…” finally Kuroo said something as well.
“I really don’t know why you’re trying so hard. Volleyball is such a pain in the ass, yet you’re trying to play even when you’re injured. I really can’t understand you.”
“Maybe you’re right… but somehow I can’t stay off the court.” Kuroo sighed then glanced at his knee. “Even if something is deliberately trying to make it as hard as it can be.”
Tsukishima turned his back to the wall. There was no way for him to go there and try to speak with Kuroo. Not when it was his fault that the Nekoma captain had to face something like this. He had no right to say anything. Tsukishima clenched his fists and gritted, his teeth, then ran away.
He ran away. Away from the hallway, away from the building… he ended in some kind of park. He didn’t know what he should have done. He should have had apologized long ago, yet he hadn’t. He should have had done something to make up for his mistake, yet he didn’t. Apparently was there anything he could have done about it? He was such an asshole. He ruined Kuroo’s last tournament and he didn’t even say sorry. And to crown all, he seemed to have fallen for the older boy. Yeah he clearly did. There was no reason to deny it.
When he finally decided to go back to the gym he thought the match had already ended. He was wrong. At the time he arrived the third set was going on, they were already fighting for the last to points to win. Nekoma lost the second set and Tsukishima couldn’t even imagine why. Nekoma was still a stronger team than Karasuno, then why did they have problem with the first round in the prelims. He looked at the court. Even from that far away he could see that Kuroo was sweating a lot and breathing heavily. And Tsukishima understood. The captain was the core of the team. His condition had a huge effect on the performance of the team. He didn’t only hurt Kuroo… he hurt the whole volleyball team. Just because of this realization his guilt became so much heavier. So heavy he couldn’t bear it anymore.
“Out!” the referee called and his time it was a point for Nekoma.
It was 32 to 31 for Nekoma and it was their turn to serve. The pressure was great. They needed that last point. Tsukishima grabbed the bar before him as he watched the serve and the receive. Then the opponent attacked but Nekoma’s libero was waiting for the ball and received it cleanly. It was their turn to attack and Kozume tossed the ball to the ace. And so on… It seemed this rally wouldn’t ever end. But then the ball fell. And it was Nekoma’s victory. The match ended and the gym was full of cheers for Nekoma. Tsukishima was just standing there grabbing that bar… The match finally ended. Nekoma won. Yet he couldn’t be happy about it. He only saw Kuroo.
When he finally gathered his courage the Nekoma team had already left the gym, so he went to the school. He thought they would have a meeting about the match and he was right. He sneaked in the school grounds and found the team in the gym. He didn’t hear what they were talking about, but the coach clearly wasn’t satisfied with the result. Seeing that Tsukishima’s courage seemed to vanish again. It was him who caused this…
He waited outside the gym ‘till the end of the meeting and when the team left he hid himself. Kuroo and Kozume were the last ones to leave. Maybe on purpose. Kuroo was walking so slowly it was painful and he was favoring his left leg without even trying to hide it. And Tsukishima followed the two older boys again. He hid himself behind the same tree in front of Kuroo’s house tying to gather his courage that disappeared fully at the same time the Nekoma boys arrived home. But he had no intention of going home before doing something.
“You missed the second set.” he heard a voice behind his back and he shivered. He turned around and faced Kuroo, who was standing above him with that scheming smile of his, putting all his weight on his right leg. “I had to work hard to make the match so long as I could. Do you know how hard it was? And now even the coach scolded us because of our performance. I hope you have a good reason for it.”
“K-Kuroo-san…” Tsukishima could hardly say anything. He didn’t think that the black haired boy noticed him. It didn’t take too long for his face to turn completely red and he jumped up. Then after a moment of hesitation he bowed himself deeply. “I’m terribly sorry!”
“Hahaha!” Kuroo laughed loudly. “Okay. If you insist I can forgive you.” he said. “But if you come and watch another of our matches, and you better come, make sure not to miss anything or I’ll be really angry.” the black haired boy said wearing his usual expression. Tsukishima was confused.
“Umm… no…. I mean for your knee. It’s my fault. I’m sorry.” this time it was Kuroo’s turn to be surprised, then he sighed.
“If I remember well I said it’s not your fault, didn’t I? And even if it’s bothersome, accidents happen.”
“But…” Tsukishima still couldn’t escape from his sense of guilt.
“I said: It’s. Not. Your. Fault.” Kuroo repeated, then leaned forward, as close to Tsukishima as he could and kissed him. Tsukishima became immediately red from ear to ear and watched the other boy surprised. He couldn’t understand this outcome, yet his heart was beating so fast he thought he would die and his skin was burning with thousand degrees. “Okay then, now that we agreed, would mind to help me back to my room? My knee hurts like hell…” Kuroo said almost commanding and then showed his scheming smile. “And you still have to make up for that missed set…”