Chapter Text
Beeping, sweat, aching.
Pressure.
Uncomfortable pressure.
He carefully opened his eyes, but immediately shut them when he saw how bright it was. He groaned and tried to lift his arms to cover what he thought was sunlight, but when his arms wouldn’t move, he flinched. He tried to sit up to see what was holding his arms down, but he couldn't even sit up.
Did his Dubwool fall asleep on him again?
He squinted his eyes open again, trying to see any signs of white, gray, and black wool, but saw none.
“Uh…” he muttered, before letting out a soft whine as a migraine pounded up on him so instantaneously. Everything suddenly jumped at him all at once, the pounding of his head, how weak his arms were, how he couldn’t feel his fingertips, how his feet felt like cinder blocks, and especially how badly his chest hurt.
He started crying from the overwhelming pain and confusion of not being able to fully move. Maybe it was sleep paralysis again. No, no, it wasn’t that.
“Hop? Are you awake?”
Hops eyes flew open and tried to look at whoever said that. He didn't recognize the voice, but maybe they could help him.
“Please, help, it hurts- I-It hurts-” He choked out. He tried to move again, but all he could muster up was a pathetic squirm.
“Okay, okay, shh,” He felt several hands suddenly all over him.
“We’ll help you, don't freak out.”
“I know it's a scary situation.”
“You’re safe.”
“It won’t hurt soon.”
He was overwhelmed beyond belief right now. Why were there so many voices? He tried to say something, but it came out as a sad croak. So, he only cried and tensed up.
Luckily the hands on him were just for a few seconds. He felt lighter and colder, which made him realize how hot he was before. He barely opened his eyes, his vision blurry due to tears, and looked around the best he could. It was still bright, but he tried.
“What’s…” He sobbed out. He felt himself shaking.
“You’re in the hospital right now, Hop. You got hurt during the fight wi...” The person's voice faded out, making him scrunch his eyebrows.
The what… Fight with who…?
“Wha-” He tried to open his eyes again, hoping he had adjusted to the light by now. “... Who?”
He felt someone's hand on his back, pushing him up to make him sit. He sighed and rubbed his eyes, but hisses when something rough pushed against his eye instead of a wrist. He looked at his arm and saw it was in a cast. He looked down at his body, seeing he was practically naked aside from a hospital gown barely covering him.
His head was throbbing too much to think about what happened. He just wanted someone he knew. Someone like his mom, his friends, Leon…
Leon!
“Where’s my brother?!” He basically shouted, surprising the nurses around him. “Where is he?! H-He’s-”
“Hop, Hop,” one of the nurses got his attention. “Calm down, okay? Take some deep breaths. There’s a lot going on and the last thing we’d want is for you to pass out again.”
Again…? Hop just blinked and took some deep breaths. Everything hurts. Might as well try to calm down.
He felt one of the nurses squeeze his hand. “Your brother is hurt too, we’re trying our best to make him feel better.”
“Why is Lee hurt? What happened? Why am I here?” Again, he started to hyperventilate. So many thoughts mixed with the pain were making it difficult to stay calm.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Repeat.
He rubbed his head and whined. This was so frustrating. He just wanted answers.
He looked at the nurse who helped him calm down. “What happened…? I-I don’t know why I’m hurt…”
The nurses looked at each other, silently asking one another to say it. One of them sighed and squeezed Hop’s hand.
“You were injured while battling Eternatus,”
She said something else but he couldn't hear her anymore. He felt his whole body tense up as he remembered what happened.
This didn’t feel real. He was face to face with this abomination that only craved destruction. His two friends, Gloria and Victor, were right by his side, along with the two legendary dogs. It was five against one giant monster.
They can do this.
They can help.
They can win.
He could barely call out commands for his pokemon. He was either frozen in fear of the thing in front of him or his brother.
Oh god, his brother.
He looked to his side again, seeing his brother lying on his side seeming to have passed out by now.
He stuttered his next attack, watching his Dubwool give its last to the beast.
He could barely focus.
He could barely breathe.
He could barely stand up.
He could barely hear Gloria squealing and running off.
Huh?
He blinked.
The sky looked clear and his friends were holding an ultra ball in his face, their mouths moving but Hop couldn’t comprehend what they were saying from the loud buzzing. He had his hearing aids in… He thought. Maybe? He doesn't know, nor can he really move.
Did they beat Eternatus…?
Where's…
“Lee!” Hop snapped out of his state of shock and ran to where he last saw his brother. His friends flinched but followed behind him.
“Lee! Lee…! Are you okay?! Lee?” Hop almost collapsed when he got close to Leon, but the urge to make sure his brother was okay was killing the urge.
He ended up kneeling next to him, shaking him slightly. “Lee! Lee! Wake up, please, Lee!”
Leon groaned, which made Hop let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. Tears fell down his face and he hugged his brother from the back.
It was sitting in his head the whole time during the battle. Was he dead or just very incapable of moving? The second Leon got hit by that boulder is when Hop fully realized just what situation they were in.
In the back of his mind, he thought this is how he died, but his only thought at the moment was his brother.
Hop sobbed into his brother's side, grateful he was even alive.
“Hop… Get- Ugh-” Leon tried to move, but it resulted in some more blood spilling out of him.
“D-Don’t move! Uhm, u–uh-” Hop looked around, not knowing what to do.
“I’ll- I’ll get the others!” Victor said.
Hop couldn’t look away from his brother. He was so focused on making sure he was still breathing.
He didn't know how much time passed before he heard footsteps coming closer to him. It was almost a blur, really. He could barely hear the familiar sounds of the gym leaders crowding around him to try and get to Leon.
Hop didn’t want to let go of his brother but did when he saw it was Raihan picking him up. He stood up so fast he almost collapsed, but the adrenaline and fear kept him afloat. He tried to follow Raihan, but he was moving too fast, or maybe he was moving too slow.
He didn’t know.
He also didn’t know how blocky and dark his vision had become, how numb and tingly he felt, and how he couldn’t hear anything.
It took two seconds for everything to go black after Leon left his vision.
Maybe he had another panic attack or just passed out from the flashback. But whatever it was, he was wide awake and hyper-aware of every little thing. He didn’t realize he was shaking violently and panting like he hadn't taken a breath in the last hour.
“... Hop … Hop …! … Hop!”
He flinched and looked over.
“Are you okay?”
No.
“I-I don’t-” He was sobbing too much to even speak. What was happening? Why is he like this right now? “-know…! I-I-I” He stuttered before letting himself go slack against the bed. He let himself cry in hopes it would make whatever he was feeling go away.
“How about you get some rest, alright? I’m sure some sleep will help you feel better.”
He wasn't tired. He wasn't…
He was exhausted, actually. It didn’t hit him until the mention of sleep came up. The bed suddenly felt so comfortable.
Soft and warm.
Dark, no bright lights.
He fell asleep as soon as the door clicked closed.
When he woke up a few hours later, he was greeted by his mom. Thank god because Hop didn’t think he could stand another unrecognizable face and several hands on him again.
“Mum…” He said weakly, only holding his arms out so as to silently ask for a hug.
She said something incoherent before hugging him tighter than she’s ever before.
Hop only leaned into her, letting out a long sigh. He tried to wrap his arms around her, but he could only manage to wrap his arm that wasn't in a cast around her back. He usually could only stand a certain amount of hugging before he grew uncomfortable, but right now he just wanted to be embraced. He wanted to feel safe.
“I love you,” Hop whimpered out, rubbing his wet face on her shoulder.
His mom cried. She cried.
Hop thought he might have said something wrong, but he only said he loved her. She never cried. Well, never was an overstatement, but it sure seemed like it. The only time he ever remembered his mom crying was at his dad's funeral and when she realized her favoritism with Leon.
It felt like that same day. It felt like when she held him so tight and apologized over and over until it made Hop's mind numb. But, what did she do? Did something happen? Maybe she’s just glad he's okay. He’s still not sure of what his own damage is.
“Mum…?” He dared to ask.
His mom let go of him, which wasn't what he wanted, but he just sat there and looked at her. He never felt like crying so much in his whole life. He’s always been overly sympathetic when people would show strong amounts of emotion near him. He wanted to cry even if he wasn't particularly in pain right now or had anything to be upset about.
“I’m sorry, mijo.” She said, rubbing her face and smiling softly. “I was just worried about you.”
Hop couldn't help but frown. His lip quivered as he tried so hard not to cry. “I didn’t mean to get hurt,” He said softly. He felt bad for this.
“Oh Hop! Don’t say that, I know you didn’t!” His mom hugged him again, fully climbing onto the bed to fully embrace him. “Please, Hop, you were so brave to try and help. I’m proud of you, but I’m also worried sick to my stomach…”
She was crying again, which made Hop lose the fight. He let the tears run down his cheeks before letting out a quiet sob. He wanted to say sorry, but what was he sorry for? His mom would probably scold him for apologizing for no reason. Which wasn't a bad thing, actually, he found it kind of funny that that's what he gets scolded for rather than reasons in the past.
“I thought I’d lose you too.” She whispered.
Hop felt a rush of something go through him. He knew how much his dad meant to her and how badly she was affected by his death. He never saw his dad that much, he always assumed bad things about him due to what his mom and grandparents would say, but when he saw Leon and his mom crying more than ever before at his funeral, it made him feel bad for how he thought of him. You only cry for people you care for, right? He wouldn’t cry if Rose died… Ugh, he didn't even want to think of him right now.
They hugged for what felt like forever, which wasn't a bad thing. They both needed each other right now.
Hop wanted to ask about his brother, but he waited until his mother seemed calm enough.
“Is Lee here?” He asked, still holding onto his mom.
“Yeah,” Hop heard her sniff before continuing, “He just got out of surgery. And before you ask, the doctors said we need to give him time to rest, so you can't see him right this second. Besides, you need to stay in bed as well and recover from your surgery.”
“I had surgery?”
He didn’t remember anything past passing out… whenever the fight was.
“Mhm,” His mom kissed his forehead before resting her head on his. “It was urgent. If I’m being honest, I’m not a hundred percent sure what it was. They said it was to stop bleeding and remove foreign bodies which I'm assuming is probably some debris.”
“Oh,” Maybe that's why he's sore. Well, considering everything that happened, he’d be sore no matter what. “What did Lee need surgery for?”
“Fractures, internal bleeding, removing foreign bodies among other things. I was panicking too much to really listen to what they were telling me.” She cradled his head, “But he’ll be okay mi amor, They’re gonna do the best they can.”
Hop only nodded. He felt tired again, but he tried to fight it. He just wanted to be held; didn't want to worry about anything. His mom seemed to notice how tired he was, so she did what she always did when they cuddled.
She hummed a soft tune and rubbed his back.
It always worked. Whether he was having a rough night or they simply were spending time with one another and Hop so happened to lean on her and let his eyes fall shut. She did it to Leon when he was a baby, and it carried onto Hop, it seemed.
She laid him down as gently as she could to not wake him or hurt him before slowly sitting back in the visitor's chair. She didn’t want to leave the room. The last thing she wanted was to be away from her children, but she knew the doctor was going to ask her to leave at some point. She might as well stay with him as much as she can.
⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯
Hop doesn't know how much time has passed, but the doctors said he was almost ready to go.
Apparently, that wasn't the case for Leon.
He seemed to get worse and worse, but Hop knew he’d spring back up in no time. He promised, after all.
He got to visit him once before he went home with his mom. He didn’t get to see him much, but it was nice.
It was just them.
Hop watched as all the other gym leaders left the room, each of them praising Hop and giving him a high five or head pat. They visited him when they could, but since he was often cranky, his mom thought it was best his visitations were limited. In all honesty, he appreciated it. If he had all of those people in his room he probably would’ve hidden under the covers until they left.
Anyways, he's here for Lee.
His mom held the door open for him and it took everything in Hop’s power not to run up and jump onto his brother.
He shuffled over, not being able to contain his smile when he saw Leon smiling back.
“Hi, Hop.” It was quieter than how Leon usually talked, but he didn't care.
“Hi, Lee!” Hop climbed on the bed without thinking, sitting at his feet. He was sitting up with his arms wide open.
He almost jumped into the arms, but he told himself to be gentle since Leon got out of another surgery last night.
Hop laid on him and hugged him tighter and tighter until his brother wheezed a bit.
“I missed you, Lee,” He couldn’t cry. He needed to keep it together. No crying.
“I missed you too, Hoppip,” Leon replied.
Hop cried. He couldn’t help it. The last time he saw Leon was when he was covered in blood and barely able to move or talk. He was covered in his brother's blood the last time he saw him. He was just so grateful to see Leon not broken to pieces.
Leon let out a small noise and rubbed the back of his brother's head. “Why’re you crying, bud?”
Hop sniffled and looked up to see his brother giving him a small smile. A real smile.
“I thought you died!” He cried out.
“Oh, Hop…” Leon kissed his forehead and soothed him the best he could.
He said something to Hop about how he’d never leave him and never let anything take him down, but he wasn't listening.
He was just happy to feel his brother hug him back.
He thought about the visit constantly. He tried to come with his mom as much as they could to visit, but most “visits” consisted of them sitting there to watch Leon sleep. He was asleep a lot, which wasn't his fault. Not at all. Hop knew he was recovering. He saw firsthand what kind of damage Leon took. It seemed bad.
He would hold his brother's hand sometimes, and even if he was sleeping, he’d still squeeze his hand. It always made Hop smile. Sometimes he’d lay his head on Leon's lap and watch whatever was playing on the television, but he was often told to get off of Leon to not wake him or hurt him. He just wanted to be around his brother as much as he could.
He was always told by adults that Leon’s getting better, but Hop’s not stupid. He knows Leon’s getting worse. New big words were added to his list of diagnoses. New tubes they have inserted somewhere in his body with a new liquid. Being “asleep” for more than two whole days.
It took his mom a week to tell Hop Leon was in a coma right now. Honestly, he didn’t know if he was happy to finally know why Leon wasn't waking up, or sad to finally know why Leon wasn't waking up. He just nodded and hugged his mom when she started crying. He cried too, of course, because she was crying.
He’d wake up one day. Nothing gets Lee down.
⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯
A month.
A month to get any sort of update on his brother.
It wasn't the news they wanted though.
Hop could barely register what was happening. He was being told to pack an overnight bag, told not to overthink it, and just throw some pajamas in there. He did as he was told, packing his switch as well as a stuffed animal.
His mom was on the phone with someone. She was sobbing, barely able to get a word out. He didn’t know who she was calling, but they seemed to help her calm down.
He sat in the back seat, head pressed against the cold window as he watched the road lights shining and at the few cars that were out this late. His mom wasn't on the phone anymore, but he didn’t seem to have the voice to ask where he was going. He could hear a small hiccup or long, shaky sigh come from her every now and then, she was calm enough to drive, but maybe not enough for questions.
His eyes were heavy, but he told himself he couldn’t sleep. What if they were staying at the hospital overnight with Lee? He couldn’t be asleep when he visited him! He doesn't see him too often anyways.
Hop jerked his head up from the window when they stopped. This wasn't the hospital…
His mom got out of the car and walked over to open his door. Her eyes were red and puffy. It only made Hop frown. He unbuckled himself and got out of the car.
“You’re gonna stay at Raihan's for a night or two.” His mom said while holding his hand and walking up to the front door. He wanted to ask why, but something inside him to keep quiet.
She didn’t have a chance to knock since Raihan had already opened the door. He let them both in and offered drinks and food, neither took any, though. Hop was far too tired to have an appetite and his mom had been crying for the past hour.
He sat on Raihan's couch, hugging his bag tightly as he tried to listen in on what the adults were talking about. He realized now that he forgot his hearing aids on his nightstand. He was already in bed, half asleep when his mom came in and told him to pack up.
He cursed himself in his head and only groaned before slumping his head on his bag.
When his mom came out, she looked a lot calmer. She gave him a quick hug and kiss goodbye before rushing out the door.
He wanted to ask Raihan why he was here, but he didn’t want to sound rude. If anything, he was pretty irritated and confused. He’s always hated last-minute changes, but it’s something he’s been trying to deal with since Leon’s health is unpredictable right now.
“Hop?” He felt a hand on his shoulder, which made him flinch. “Ah, sorry, didn’t mean to scare you.”
Without his hearing aids, he can really only hear loud noises and stuff close to him.
Hop let out a tired ‘hm?’ before looking up at Raihan. Raihan was tall, but still close enough to hear.
“I have a bed set up for you in the guest room, just let me know when you’re ready to go. I know you’re probably overwhelmed right now.” Raihan said softly. He let go of Hop and Hop looked at the spot he touched.
“I’m more confused than anything,” he admitted, groggy.
Raihan tilted his head slightly, a mannerism he picked up from Leon. “About what?”
The thought of Leon only made him want to cry. No matter how much he told himself he’d wake up, things only seemed to get worse, and tonight wasn't helping with the positive thoughts. “Why am I here? Mum didn’t tell me…”
Raihan frowned and looked away. “I don’t know if she wants you to know. She doesn’t want to bombard you with everything going on.”
Hop instantly felt mad. “The fuck am I supposed to do then? Just sit here and act like everything’s fine? I know Lee’s not doing good, I just want to know how he is! I’m assuming I’m here because of him, so just tell me! Please, I’m not dumb.”
“I know you’re not dumb, Hop.” Raihan started, “I just- I-I don’t know… You’re young and it’s a lot for a kid to handle-”
“Battling a giant ass monster is a lot for a kid to handle as well but I did it.” Hop interrupted. “Especially when I saw said monster almost kill my brother and friends and the fucking region for that matter!”
He didn’t realize how mad he was. He was tired of people hiding things from him. He was tired of not knowing what was going on. He’s scared. Upset. God, he's crying. He told himself he wouldn’t but here he is.
“Hop…” Raihan cupped his upper arm, trying to comfort him.
Hop only leaned away. He was angry. He just wanted to sleep, but he knew he wasn't going to be able to.
Raihan muttered something before getting up and walking to the kitchen. Hop only watched him, he was too far to hear him.
He said something, but he was too far to read his lips.
“I can’t hear you, I left my hearing aids at home by accident.”
Raihan nodded and walked over with a pill case and a few gummies. “Sorry, I was asking if you want some melatonin. I know it’s gonna be hard for you to sleep.”
Hop wanted to take it, but he couldn't dare to fall asleep without knowing how his brother was.
“I’ll take it if you tell me how Lee is.” He offered. He wasn't being forced to take them, they both knew that, but they also knew how much it would suck to sleep tonight without something forcing their eyes shut.
Raihan sighed and smiled. “You’re just as stubborn as Leon.” He said. It was quiet, but he still heard it. It made his chest swell. He normally didn’t like being compared to his brother, but right now he could care less. “Leon’s not doing the best. All I know is that he’s getting worse and they called your mom saying he’s…” Raihan couldn’t finish the sentence. He looked away and bit his lip.
Hop knew what he was implying.
Leon was dying.
And he couldn’t be there.
Maybe it was for the best. The last time he saw Leon at his worst was when they were giving him CPR to get him breathing again. It was traumatizing on its own, he could only imagine what was going on right now.
“I’m sorry I got mad at you. I just… I have a lot of emotions, I guess. I don’t know.” Hop said, looking at Raihan.
Raihan stood up and squeezed Hop’s hand. “Don’t apologize. I know it’s a lot.”
Hop took the gummies and chewed on them for a second. Raihan’s hand didn’t leave him, so Hop took the opportunity to pull himself up and let him guide him to the temporary room. It was empty for the most part, which Hop didn’t mind. He just felt… alone.
“Um,” Hop said, looking up at Raihan. He really didn’t want to be alone right now. He knew his thoughts would eat him all night and fight the melatonin away. It’s happened before. And now that fact that Leon might not… no… no, Leon’s fine. He always is.
“What’s up, Hopscotch?” Raihan asked.
Hop held his breath. Leon called him that at first, then Raihan picked up on it. And frankly, he didn’t care, he liked the name. But right now it felt… he doesn't know.
“I don’t want to be alone tonight,” He gulped, “C-Can I sleep in your room…? I’m scared.” He mumbled the last part.
“Sure thing, bud.” He said, now leading Hop to his room.
Raihan had a big bed and a big room altogether. Hop dropped his bag on the floor and just laid there. He already felt better.
“I can bring a mattress in here or something. You don’t need to sleep on the floor.” Raihan kneeled next to him so he could hear him.
Hop let out a small sound before shaking his head. Raihan threw him a pillow and blanket, which he didn’t know he needed until he had them.
The lights went off and he heard the bed creak next to him.
And – of course – he couldn’t seem to sleep.
Raihan had a digital clock on his nightstand, so Hop could see the hours pass. He was exhausted, so so tired, but he just couldn’t sleep. It was annoying.
He wanted his mom right now. He would’ve snuck into her room by now to cuddle her. He didn’t care if he was already a teenager, sometimes he just wanted to be held. Like right now. But he was at Raihan's house. His mom was probably at the hospital crying.
He felt anxiety crunch in his chest.
He sniffled, trying not to cry and possibly wake Raihan up. But it was hard. He just wanted to know how his brother was. For all he knew, he could be dead right this second and he’s just holding up false hope.
No. Leon’s too strong to let something like this take him down.
The bed creaked again, louder this time. Hop peaked his head up and saw eyes on him. He instantly sobbed and crawled up onto the bed. He couldn't take it. It was too much,
Raihan hugged him tight.
No words. Just holding.
It was enough for Hop to pass out right there in his arms.
⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯
He woke up on an empty bed, which made him confused but he remembered his surroundings quickly enough.
He sat up and looked around for Raihan, but didn’t see him. He noticed his phone wasn't on the nightstand anymore too, which meant he could be gone. Right, he still has a life. A gym to lead.
He stood up slowly and stretched before walking to the kitchen.
Oh, there was Raihan.
He was on the phone and pacing throughout the kitchen. He looked like he was crying. It made Hop shrink up with anxiety.
Raihan saw him and gave him the saddest look Hop has ever seen then left for the backyard.
He decided it wasn't a good time to follow.
⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯
“He’s dead?! ”
His mother almost screamed.
No, she did scream.
One Hop’s never heard before.
There were people trying to calm her down.
People looking Hop in the eye and saying something.
He felt too fuzzy to read their lips or to hear what they said.
Leon can't be…dead…
He’s Leon…
He’s…
…Dead…?
Hop didn’t seem to fully process it at the moment. He was hugged by someone, but he couldn’t tell who. He looked at his mom, who was being comforted by several doctors and nurses. He felt like he did when he was on the tower.
Scared, terrified, frozen, couldn’t breathe.
He couldn’t breathe.
Everything didn’t feel real, it just felt like he was having a nightmare.
His vision blacked out and his legs started to wobble.
He can’t pass out now. It’s not a good time.
His mom’s… Leon’s…
Thud .
⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯
They stayed at Raihan's place for a bit. They couldn’t drive home. Not like this.
They couldn't even step out of the hospital without crying.
Crying felt like an understatement though. Hop’s never cried like this before, nor has his mom. It’s never felt this bad. It’s never been constant.
They were currently cuddled up on Raihan’s guest bed. They held each other tight. Tighter than they have before. Both were wide away but didn’t dare say a word. They only lay there as they rethought the day.
Hop cried a lot, and so did his mom, but something felt weird.
Hop didn’t really know why he was crying. I mean, everyone cries when you get told a loved one died, but he didn’t exactly know why this didn’t hurt like how everyone says it does. He occasionally gets the thought of “He’s never coming back” which does make him overwhelmed and cry, but a part of him only tells him that Leon will come back.
This was frustrating. He wanted to take more melatonin to try and force himself to sleep, but he couldn’t. It’d be considered overdosing then, and he didn’t want that to happen.
He wanted to ask his mom why he felt so… indifferent about this. She was obviously upset, Raihan was upset, and everyone was upset. Their champion is dead of course everyone is going to be upset.
But Hop knew him personally. He was more than the champion to him. His brother, a father figure, his everything .
He couldn’t sleep.
He just watched the sunrise out the window with red, burning eyes.
⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯
If he’s being completely honest, the next … however long it was … went by way too fast yet way too slow. He’s lost track of how long it's been since Loen died, since his funeral, since his actual burial.
All of the events since the darkest day had been a blur. The actual day Leon died, the day he held Leon's cold hand for the last time ever, the day of his funeral, his actual burial. Everything seemed fuzzy. It was annoying, and he didn’t know why it was so far from him.
But oh well.
He felt the same as he did the first day they were told he was dead.
Indifferent.
Maybe that word was too harsh, but that’s how Hop felt when he thought about it. Harsh.
He didn’t understand why he wasn’t crying every day like everyone else was. Obviously, he did cry. There were times he didn’t get out of bed because he told himself Leon wasn't coming back to visit. Ever.
That’s what he tried to do, tell himself that this was just a long trip of Leon not visiting. He’s gotten used to that. Just… no phone calls or letters or texts or… visits… ever…
It was hard to grasp.
That’s what he came up with.
His brother’s death was like a breaking rope holding Hop up from a pit that he knew hurt. No matter how much Hop knew that one day, he was eventually going to fall, he’s not letting go of that rope until it snaps in half. The rope’s on its last limb, it can't hold his weight anymore, but he's not letting go. No matter how much his arms burn and body aches screaming at him to let go and accept his fate, he can’t. Every day he knew he was getting closer and closer but he couldn't fucking let go.
He was doing this to himself at this point.
He wanted to let go, but every time he tried, it seemed a new, breaking rope would somehow appear and wrap around him. He felt stuck.
He didn’t know what to do. He hadn't been to school in months. He couldn’t even be near people without them asking incentive questions about his brother.
He hasn't slept in his own room in… he didn’t know… it’s either been in his mom’s room or in Leon’s room.
This was just frustrating.
He felt helpless and stupid.
Maybe he should just leave the house for a second. Take a walk.
He just needs to get out of the house, out of Leon’s room.
God, he wanted to cry when he thought of his name.
He knew he wasn't coming back so why was he constantly in a battle with himself that he was not actually dead?
He groaned and left Leon’s room for his own. He got dressed in some casual clothes before walking straight out the door.
He could go to his friends' house, but he wanted to be alone. Maybe. He didn’t know.
He just walked and walked and walked until he ended up somewhere.
Soon he was in a flying taxi, not remembering where he asked to go.
He was in his head all morning. Telling himself that he needs to let go. He needs to stop telling himself his brother will be back, but no matter how hard he tried the thoughts of “he’ll come back” linger in his mind. Maybe that’s why it doesn’t seem like a big deal to him. He just thinks every day that Leon will visit at some point. He wants to throw up.
“We’re here,”
Hop flinched and looked around. He was somewhere in the wild area, couldn't quite tell from the fog. He stepped out of the cab and tipped the driver.
“You sure you’re alright, kid? You seem out of it.”
Hop only nodded. “Just need some time to myself.”
The driver only nodded and flew off, leaving Hop alone. Like he wanted.
His phone said it had only been an hour, but it felt like days. He walked around mindlessly to try and get a grip. Try and tell himself to just let go. He keeps repeating himself over and over. He’s not coming back. Stop getting your hopes up. He's gone forever. But it didn’t seem to snap the rope. It made him cry, for sure, but it didn’t satisfy him. He's so-
“Woah, Hop?”
Hop looked up, startled. He must’ve run into someone. Though, he relaxed when he saw familiar blue eyes.
“You good?” Raihan asked, tilting his head. Just like-
“I’m fine.” He breathed out. He was gritting his teeth so much it almost hurt.
“Something tells me you’re not fine.” He chuckled, ruffling Hop’s hair.
Raihan knew him well.
Hop only sighed and looked away, embarrassed. “I’m just… I have a lot on my mind…”
Raihan’s smile faded and his face became more serious looking. “Wanna talk about it?”
Hop’s first instinct was to say no, but maybe he just needed someone's help. He didn’t want to, he’d probably think he’s weird for being so off about his brother's death. I mean, the region still talks about it, but mostly everyone seemed to move on. A new chairman was elected, a new champion rose up, and the gym challenge started up again. It seems like everyone was moving so fast while he was going so slow.
“Hop?”
Raihan's voice shot through his thoughts.
“Oh, uhm… Sorry… Talking sounds nice.” He finally said.
“Let’s sit,” He offered. Raihan sat down right where he was standing, stretching his legs out and groaning slightly at the pressure.
Hop sat next to him and instantly wanted to lean into him. He refrained though. They sat there for a minute, just looking out into nature and wild pokemon.
“So,” Raihan started, “What’s on your mind?”
Hop hugged his legs to his chest and rested his chin on his knees. “Please don’t think I’m a bad person for this,” He said. He was trying not to cry and he wasn't even talking yet.
“Hop, I won’t think that, okay?” He grabbed Hop’s hand and squeezed it. “It’s okay, you’re safe here.”
Hop would usually laugh at such a cheesy statement, but right now he couldn’t even smile. He looked away, looked back, looked away. He couldn’t concentrate on one thing. “I… I don’t know… Why I’m…?” he started, but couldn’t finish.
Raihan looked at him with a look Hop knew all too well. Raihan’s eyes were naturally turned down, but his smile always made him look relaxed. Now, when frowning, he looks sorry. It scared Hop.
“Is it about Leon?”
Hop let out a breath and nodded, trying so hard not to cry.
“I-I just… I don’t know! I-I can’t seem to t-tell myself that he’s really gone ! I mean, I-I know he’s not coming back but my brain makes me think he’s just not going to visit for a long time! It’s so frustrating! I-I want to accept it already but I c-can’t no matter how hard I try! It still doesn't feel real! How long has it been, a few months? Four months?? Five???”
“A year and a half,” Raihan said softly, his own voice cracking.
“A year and a half!” Hop repeated. It was really that long and he was still struggling with this. He cried. He couldn’t fight it anymore. “I-I miss him… I want to hug him again a-and know for sure that he’s coming back but he’s not. ”
Raihan didn’t say anything while Hop sobbed into his hands. He wanted Hop to finish getting everything out before saying anything.
“It’s so stupid! I feel helpless! I-It’s a constant cycle of crying but not fully accepting that he's gone?? I-I don’t…” Hop cried some more, “Please say something, Raihan…”
Raihan wiped his watery eyes before pulling Hop into a hug.
“I was the same way for a while, Hop. I know what you mean. Not knowing why you can't accept it when you keep telling yourself every day, over and over. It hurts, doesn’t it? And you know that the second you fully accept it it’s going to hurt more.” Raihan held Hop close, letting him sob on his sweater, “It’s your way of coping. Look, I don’t know everything going on inside you, but everything from that day and onward has been traumatizing for me, I can only imagine how traumatizing it is for you.”
Hop didn’t…
Oh
Oh,
It made sense now. Fuck how could he be so stupid !?
He grabbed onto Raihan's sweater and sobbed more than he ever did before. It was a lot. He wished it was Leon hugging him, telling him that everything was okay. But he’s dead.
He’s dead.
The rope snapped just then. It finally gave out and Hop dropped. He fell into the pit he knew he was doomed to reach. Why now though? Was it the realization of how his stupid brain was trying to cope and try to get further and further away from being traumatized? Was it just coincidental?
Fuck.
He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t stop shaking. God, he’s…
“Shh, Hop…”
Now Raihan was crying.
“Take some deep breaths, okay?”
He followed along with the rise and fall of the other's chest, trying to mimic the rhythm the best he could.
Just like Lee would do with him.
He only cried more.
Lee’s not gonna be there to help him through panic attacks anymore.
Lee’s not gonna be able to ever hug him again.
Lee’s not gonna be there for his sixteenth birthday.
Lee’s not gonna be at his graduation.
Lee’s not gonna ever see what Hop will look like when he’s older.
…
Hop’s not gonna ever see his smile again.
Hop’s not gonna ever feel his brother's arms around him again.
Hop’s not gonna be able to run up to his brother when he sees him at the train station.
Hop’s not gonna be able to make his brother's favorite curry when he feels down.
Hop’s not gonna ever see his brother in his room.
It all happened at once.
He was still falling, he never stopped. The pit seemed endless. It was all the thoughts at once. He really knew now that Leon wasn’t gone for a little bit. He was gone until Hop was dead too.
He couldn’t feel anything. His whole body was numb. All he knew was how much his stomach and head hurt. He felt like throwing up. He wanted to go home and run into…
He wanted Leon so badly right now.
“R-Raihan-” Hop choked out. He could barely talk.
“Shh, I know, I know,” Hop swore he felt a tear land on his head. “It hurts, I know, take your time, Hop. Let it out.”
And let it out he did. He sobbed for god knows how long. His whole body was shaking, but he didn’t care. He just needed to cry.
He needed to land at one point.