Chapter Text
She hadn’t meant to fall asleep like that, chest heaving and her face shoved into her pillow.
But she had, her makeup staining her flowery sheets as she tossed and turned.
It turned out to be a night riddled with a confusing mix of dreams and nightmares.
There was no understandable plot, just contorting and twisting images that flashed before her eyes. Some of the scenes included Jonathan calling her a psycho, or Robin saying the world would be a better place without her. More abstract ones displayed Nancy’s own reflection mocking her and her childhood self asking her how she ended up this way.
The only identifiable through line was her helplessness. She couldn’t respond, stuck watching everything unfold before her eyes.
She woke up groggily, completely enveloped in a state of confusion as she began to blink her eyes open. Her dreams had been more upsetting than scary; as the details dissolved before her, she was left with a strange ache in her chest.
The first things she becomes aware of are the light filtering through her curtains and the feeling of someone’s hand rubbing her back gently. She instinctively lets out a sleepy groan, pressing back into the touch. It brings her some kind of comfort, if only in the barest, human way.
As her bleary eyes adjust, it hits her that she was in her childhood bedroom and that she has no idea who it was that was touching her. She shifts into a sitting position urgently, a very brief moment of panic encompassing her before her eyes lock onto a set of familiar eyes.
“Mom?” she says, voice sounding groggy even to her. This earned her a little smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes.
“Good morning.” She said, moving a hand to brush the hair away from Nancy’s face.
Nancy felt a wave of embarrassment wash over her as she began to wake up fully. She must look like a complete mess, what with her hair everywhere and her makeup all over her face. Not to mention the fact that she was still in her clothes from yesterday. She opened her mouth to come up with some kind of excuse that would make her mom somehow less disappointed, but she was beaten to the punch by her mom speaking in a bright, hopeful tone.
“Would you want to go get breakfast with me today? We can even go shopping if you want, we’ll make a whole day of it.”
This surprised Nancy into silence for a moment.
It’s not that her mom didn’t reach out, or care about her, it was just that she had fallen out of touch with this kind of thing.
Plus, her Mom had Holly (who was beautiful and sweet and considerably more normal than either of her siblings) to do all of these girly experiences with. Nancy had sort of doubted that her mom would be over eager to spend time with her crazy daughter after everything.
But, if the tentative smile on her face was anything to go by, she was.
So, Nancy nods, causing Karen to immediately perk up.
“Amazing! Why don’t you get ready and I’ll make sure everything is ready to go.” She says, patting Nancy’s leg affectionately as she gets up. She begins to leave, stopping in the doorway to shoot Nancy a smile and add “This will be so fun!” before making her way down the stairs.
Nancy exhales heavily and flops back on the pillows for a moment, feeling the sort of annoyance she always seems to feel when she has to interact with other people.
She reminds herself of her decision yesterday, to try to put a good foot forward and at least come off as someone who had her shit together. She had promised Jonathan that she would at least try to do better after all and if this is the way she did it then so be it. There are worse trials than a day out with her mom.
So, she begrudgingly pulls herself out of bed and stumbles into her bathroom to shower.
She did her best to avoid her reflection, but when she caught it in passing it caused a sharp ache in her chest.
She looked… hollow.
Not just in the sense that she was literally skin and bones, or that the bags under her eyes made her look empty somehow. It was the look on her face. An expression void of whatever liveliness she had hoped for.
She looks away quickly, stepping into the shower to escape the threat of seeing herself.
After a burning hot shower and her best attempt at makeup, she moved to doing her hair. She hadn’t been able to bring herself to perm her hair again after high school, so it had returned to its straighter state. She had reasoned it would be easier to maintain that way, but recently it’s begun to feel more childish than anything.
She just tied it back and got dressed quickly,
When she padded down the stairs she was greeted by her Mom standing in the living room eagerly, clearly waiting for her. When she caught sight of her she pulled her purse up on her shoulder and made her way over.
“Want to go to Alexander’s? That was always your favorite as a kid.”
She doesn’t want to disappoint her by reminding her it was actually always Mike’s favorite, so she smiles and nods. “Yeah, sounds good Mom.”
After some shouted goodbyes and reminders of homework, the two of them are on their way. It’s been a long time since she was alone with her Mom, and she bounces her leg anxiously from her spot in the passenger seat.
They make small talk the whole way there, and Nancy finds herself infinitely grateful that her Mom has no problem leading the conversation.
She takes this time to really look at her Mom, and try to see her for the first time in a long time.
She has seen her Mom as a reminder of what’s wrong with her, or breathing proof that she would never live up to her potential. She thinks maybe she resents her for that. She even thinks that maybe she even blames her Mom for some of the things that happened to her.
She was sixteen when everything started- sixteen. She had no business running around after boys or monsters in the middle of the night. Sometimes she wished that her Mom had just grounded her- protected her from the world.
At this moment, it is hard for her to hold it against her. How can she when she looks so much like the woman that held her when she had nightmares and read to her every night and hand-sewed all of her Halloween costumes no matter what she asked for?
She sees another woman, trying her best.
She sees her wrinkles, and the lone gray hair her dye job missed. She sees that she won’t have her Mom forever.
So she reaches over the console to hold her hand, feeling her heart lurch in her chest as her mom’s fingers close around hers. For that moment she feels like a scared little girl again
She wonders if she ever really stopped feeling like one.
“I remember so vividly the day you were born.” Her mom says suddenly, interrupting Nancy’s train of thoughts.
“Hmm?” She responds simply, taking her hands back into the safety of her own lap.
“I remember holding you and thinking you were just the most perfect, tiny thing. You had these big blue eyes and long eyelashes and I thought that I finally got it. I finally understood what it meant to love something unconditionally.”
She smiled to herself, fondness practically radiating off of her.
“Your grandma told me before you were born that oldest daughters always butted heads with their mothers. She assured me that you would raise hell the same way I did, only this time I would be on the receiving end of it.”
Her mom laughs a little, shaking her head as she glances quickly over at her while they’re at a stoplight.
“I thought maybe she was right, for a while. After all, you were sneaking out to parties and sleeping with boys and all of the other things girls are supposed to do to make their mothers mad. But then you kept growing up. Too fast, really. One night you were my baby girl and the next you were this woman. And that’s when I realized my mother was wrong. You weren’t anything like me because you were so, so much better.
“You are brilliant and spirited and you know better than to take shit from anybody. I wish I could take credit for that, say I raised you that way or that I showed you the right way to be. But I didn’t. I think that maybe you grew to be this amazing person not because of me but in spite of me.”
“Mom-” she begins, knowing that isn’t true and wanting to tell her as much.
Karen doesn’t stop her speech, clearly intent on delivering her point the way she wants.
“I know I haven’t always been the best mother, Nancy. But I love you. God Nancy, I love you so much that sometimes it hurts. And I just… I want you to know that you can come to me. That I’m here for you, okay? You don’t have to hide things from me.”
“I know that. I promise.”
“Then why won’t you talk to me?”
There’s a beat of silence, Nancy’s heart dropping in her chest as she looks over at her mom with a kind of wide-eyed confusion.
“You left Hawkins behind, I understand that. And I understood that maybe you didn’t want to take us with you. But you’re back now, Nance. You’re here. You’re home. And you smile at me and cut out pictures from wedding catalogs like I’m not your mother. Like I can’t see that you’re hurting.”
Tears spring in Nancy’s eyes, and she looks down at her hands in her lap mostly out of habit.
“I don’t want to push you. I don’t want to push you away again, and I’m not trying to make you do anything. That’s not what this is. I just wanted to let you know that I see you. And I’m here for you if you ever do decide that you want my help. Okay?”
Nancy isn’t sure if the overwhelming pain in her chest is her heart breaking or a piece of it getting put back together.
At first, she’s not sure what to say. She’s never been great with talking about her emotions, and that hasn't changed now that her mom has laid it all out in the open.
But when she manages to look up she is met with a plea in her Mom’s eyes, and she realizes what it is she wants from her.
She doesn’t want an apology or some grand speech. She just wants her daughter back.
So Nancy nods and swallows down the part of her that is scared by this level of connection.
“Okay.” She sees the flicker of doubt so she repeats herself. “Okay. I love you.”
She seems satisfied with this, smiling at her as she answers, “I love you too.”
She makes quick work of wiping her eyes before turning away and taking the key out of the ignition.
“I don’t know about you, but I’m starving. How do pancakes sound?” She begins making small talk again, probably because she can tell Nancy is overwhelmed. Nancy nods, and they make their way to the restaurant arm in arm.
She spends a nice part of her day with her mom, eating and letting her mom pick out some clothes for her. It’s surprisingly easy to fall back into the old rhythm with her, to feel like things are the way they once were.
She even lets her Mom pick out a truly hideous sweater and pretends she loves it because it makes her happy. Some things never change.
By the time they get back to the house she feels oddly refreshed. Normally spending time with people makes her tired, and irritable, but this felt almost easy.
It gives her the strength to do the thing she has been putting off to the very best of her ability.
She twists the phone cord around her fingers as she looks at the worn buttons. She has Steve’s phone number written down in an address book somewhere, but it’s not like she needs it. A year or so of calling him every night engrained it into her mind.
She just hopes he didn’t change it.
She puts the familiar number in, holding her breath as she waits for a voice on the other end.
“Hello, Steve speaking.”
“Hey, Steve. It’s Nancy.”
A beat of silence.
“Hey, Nance. It’s good to hear from you. I was starting to think you’d never call.”
“Yeah well, I’ve been busy. Wedding and all.”
“Right, right.” He says.
Another beat of silence, her grip tightening on the phone like it might make the awkwardness more bearable.
“I was just um… I was wondering if you would still want to get together sometime. It can just be coffee or something, whatever you want.” She stumbles over her words, mentally crushing Jonathan for making her call him.
She’s considering hanging up and pretending this never happens when she hears his voice over the line, noticeably perkier than it had been just a moment ago.
“Yeah, that would be great. I’d like to see you.”
There’s a moment’s pause again, though this time there’s some shuffling on the other line. She’s not sure what exactly is happening, but it seems like there’s some sort of commotion.
When he speaks again, it’s with the same high energy.
“Why don’t you come over for dinner tonight? I’ve got to show you my new and improved cooking skills.”
“Oh, so you’ve graduated from burning mac and cheese?”
He groans over the phone, and she can’t help but laugh a little as he protests.
“That was one time! Are you ever going to let that go?”
“No, I don’t think so.”
For a moment they both laughed, and then it fizzled out into another moment of quiet.
It wasn’t hostile or even upsetting, it was just… uncomfortable. Like putting on an old sweater you used to love that just didn’t fit anymore. It has holes and tears but you try it on anyway, just because it used to make you feel safe and comfortable.
She wonders now if her relationship with Steve will ever be good again.
It won’t be the same, of course.
The sweater will never fit but.. maybe if she takes all the yarn and makes it into a nice blanket.
Steve gives her the address and time, and she hangs up the phone feeling simultaneously relieved and petrified.
It was nice to know Steve still cared for her on some level. Enough at least to call Jonathan, and agree to make them dinner.
But the warm fuzzy feeling that provided wasn’t nearly enough to drown out her guilt, or her anxiety about how said dinner would go.
After all, she wasn’t sure she would be the best dinner guest.
It’s been a while since she’s really flexed her social muscles, though she knows she has no one but herself to blame for that. That sort of comes with the territory of being a borderline hermit.
As she looks at the phone that’s now snugly in the receiver, she can’t help but think back to another dinner party with Steve.
It could be a million years ago or yesterday that they found themselves eating dinner with Barb’s parents. She couldn’t remember for the life of her what they talked about, but she remembers the guilt eating her alive. She viscerally remembers sobbing in the bathroom, shoving her hand in her mouth so the Hollands didn’t hear her wailing. She remembers Steve holding her hand as they left and realizing that no matter how much she loved him- he didn’t get it.
Not the way she did.
Not then.
She thinks maybe he never will.
Together the two of them have suffered, clawed through the days that wake her up at night shaking. It’s not unlike her and Jonathan in that way. But in both of their cases no matter how much they try, or how much she tries to convey it, it’s like there’s a blockage.
Her guilt consumed her so long after everyone else seemed to move on.
She thought it was just something wrong with her for the longest time, but she’s starting to think she understands it now.
She feels guilt not out of a place of hatred, but of unbridled love for the person that she hurt.
What she and Barb had wasn’t something she expects to ever have again.
There is that unbearable weight that is put on girls- to conform, to stand out, to stand tall, to shrink and hide- most of all to take on the weight of the world.
No one got that but Barb.
No one really saw her but Barb.
No one teaches girls to hide from each other the way they do boys. They show each other their hearts and their bones- they love each other with teeth and claws. Maybe that is why the way girls love each other is so unabashed.
That was the way she loved Barb.
The way she will always love Barb.
They were girls together.
That will never change.
Even if it was her fault that she died.
She brushes the wetness from her cheeks as she moves to kneel beside her bed, pulling out an old shoebox she’s glad her mom never moved. She rests it on the bed and opens it carefully, brushing the dust off with her thumbs and wiping it carelessly on her sweater.
As soon as the lid is off she’s greeted with a picture of Barb’s smiling face. It catches her off guard somehow, even though she knew it would be there, and the pain was so sharp she quickly slipped the lid back on.
She sat there for a moment with her heart racing, feeling her hands quiver as she tried to psych herself up to open it again.
When she got the nerve she all but ripped the lid off, hoping that doing it quickly would somehow make it less painful.
It didn’t. The sight of all of her mementos from her time with Barb still felt like a dagger right through the chest. She scanned her eyes over her collection - the polaroids and the friendship necklace, the notes and the wristwatch her parents insisted Nancy kept after her funeral.
Seeing all of it laid in front of her like a pitiful excuse for a shrine made her stomach churn, she couldn’t stop herself from slamming the lid back on the shoebox and sliding it under her bed.
She stood up and took a panicked step back like the box might actually hurt her. She backs up until she bumps into her vanity, causing everything on it to quake in its carefully rooted spot.
It was all too much, and she just pushed through the door to her bedroom, needing desperately to get out of the time capsule that was her room.
The air felt a little more breathable once she shut the door behind her, but she descended the stairs anyway just to get some distance between herself and that room.
She made her way down the stairs quickly, making her way onto the cool tile of the kitchen. It was only once she couldn’t find it that she realized what exactly she was looking for- what it was that she needed.
“Where’s Mom?” she asked, directing the question to Mike who seemed to be working on something at the kitchen table.
He looked up at her and pulled a slight face before answering. “I think she’s looking for some fourth of July stuff in the attic. Why?”
She knew she had to answer, so she just let the words tumble off of her tongue that felt most natural.
“I just wanted her to know I wouldn’t be home for dinner tonight. Steve invited me over to have dinner at his house.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
There is a moment of awkward silence before Mike breaks it.
“Rekindling old flames?”
Nancy laughs humorlessly, doing her best (and failing) not to look at Mike like he’s insane.
“I’m engaged. And Steve’s.. Steve. I thought you got past being team Steve a long time ago.”
He looks at her like she’s the stupid one and raises an eyebrow at her in a way that looks annoyingly like their father.
“I did.” There is a brief pause before he continues in that drawling, deadpan tone he only ever uses when he thinks someone is being stupid.“Isn’t it crazy that Steve and Robin live together?”
Her blood runs cold and every other thought seems to disappear from her mind as she realizes what he means.
She wants to tell him he’s being an idiot and that she’s going to be married for God’s sake and that wasn’t funny even if he was just messing with her. However, she is so shocked by the reminder that he knows about her and Robin that she’s just stunned into silence.
Not to mention her astonishment at the fact that Robin and Steve live together.
He had said she was still in Hawkins but didn’t mention that they were staying in the same house.
So she would be seeing Robin tonight.
Fuck.
Mike seems to see the look on her face, and sympathy overtakes his formerly incredulous expression.
“I was just kidding, okay? I know you wouldn’t do anything like that to Jonathan.”
She really couldn’t give a shit about his judgments of her character right now.
“Steve and Robin are living together?”
He blinks and then nods slowly.
“Yeah, you didn’t know that?”
Those words rang through her ears for the rest of the afternoon, mocking her as she got ready for her dinner outing.
The way he said it reminded her that she should know, that it was absolutely ridiculous that she didn't know the slightest thing about her former ex-boyfriend slash best friend or her... Robin.
If she didn’t even know that, how was she expected to survive this dinner? How was she supposed to act like a normal fucking socialized person knowing she is in Robin’s house and she hates her?
She considered scrapping the idea altogether, lying and saying she caught a cold or broke her leg or something- but a long phone call from Jonathan convinced her that she needed to go.
“Worst case scenario it sucks-” he had reassured her over the line, “then you can call me and tell me all about it. It can only be a few hours at most Nance.”
She reminded herself of this as she tied up her hair.
Just a few hours.
She had fought interdimensional monsters before. She could handle a little bit of small talk.
Right?
After taking one last look in the mirror and swearing to herself that she was not trying to spruce herself up just because Robin might see her- she made her way to the car.
Two loops around the block and a cigarette later she actually managed to set foot outside of it, making her way over to the front door.
She double-checked the address, surprised by how quaint the house was. It was nice, sure. But in her head, Steve still lived in his parent's mansion.
This was something else entirely, something that actually resembled a home. She wondered if it was because of Robin’s influence or if that chief’s salary just wasn’t the same as daddy’s money.
Regardless, it was still a hell of a lot nicer than the apartment she and Jon called a ‘house’ back in California. She’s starting to see the allure of staying in Indiana now that she has to pay her own rent.
After another thirty seconds or so of repeating Jonathan’s words in her head she managed to knock on the door.
In the moments before it was opened she felt like she was 16 again, waiting with Barb outside of Steve’s house. That party, and the night that ensued, would probably keep her awake at night for the rest of her night. But that moment before they came in was maybe her last moment of naivete, of childhood. As stupid as it is, she almost looks back on it fondly.
She’s pulled out of her stupor by the door swinging open, and the stupidly broad smile that greeted her.
“Hey, you made it!” He says, clearly trying to act like he isn’t surprised she actually showed up. “Come on in, I’ll show you around.”
He stepped to the side and she entered, exhaling and saying a silent prayer as her sneakers hit the carpet.