Chapter Text
“I’m sorry, but this was a really bad idea.”
I’m sorry.
Sorry.
It feels like the blood Black previously had flowing through his system freezes in his veins, and it stupidly seems like he might topple over when Gumpa brushes past him. Taking a breath feels violent - his throat hurting with every escape of air like he’s been running for hours - and the thought is disgustingly clichéd, but it actually feels like something breaks inside of him when he can no longer see Gumpa in front of him and instead realizes he’s by the door.
Is this it?
Is this how it ends?
Gumpa leaving now, after Black asked the other man to please take good care of all the fragile parts of him that he had dared to share last night feels like a little too much. Feels a little like tearing apart at the seams and fearing that there is no way to be put back together. Black thought last night had hurt when Gumpa didn’t even talk to him, but he's realizing now that this - Gumpa leaving after breaking every part of him with his harsh words before putting him back together with careful hands and soft lips - is worse.
It’s too much. It’s what makes his eyes burn and his hands shake and has anger blossoming in the wake of pain and confusion.
“What do you want me to do?”
What can I do to make you stay? How can you just leave?
It comes out pitiful. The words hurt as he forces them out and they are too soft - softer than he had hoped - and the fact that he can’t even yell in frustration but instead sounds weak and lost has a stray tear sliding across his cheeks. He’s quick to brush it away, and he tries to pretend like Gumpa can’t hear the soft sniffle that accompanies it.
He doesn’t expect a reply, but his words make Gumpa stop. Black can feel the other man turning around from behind him and he wants to turn around too, and face him, but he stays put.
“Nothing,” Gumpa whispers. “I don’t- I’m sorry, I just can’t do this.”
“Do what?” Black asks as he turns and finally looks at Gumpa who’s standing in the doorway. He knows the answer, but he needs to hear it. Gumpa can’t just pretend like nothing happened and leave with no real explanation.
“This. You. Everything!”
The loudness in Gumpa’s voice has Black moving backward as if slapped. Just moments ago it felt like everything finally fell into place and his fingers had traced the marks on Gumpa’s body and felt the comforting weight of the other man on top of him. It had felt liberating and for just a moment Black had been able to believe that there was actually some part of him that was worth fighting for. For a moment he had been able to think that there was a part of him that Gumpa had seen beneath all the bad attitude and self-destructive tendencies, and had wanted to fight for.
“You probably don’t let yourself believe this,” Gumpa continues, “but I care about you. I fucking like you as a person, even though you are the biggest asshole ever, and because of that-” He spreads his arms in exasperation. “Because of that, this can’t happen.”
Gumpa tries to take a step toward him, but Black takes a step back. He sees the disappointment in Gumpa’s eyes when he realizes that Black won’t let him come closer, but the other man’s words play on repeat in his head and he tries desperately to hold himself together. The moment they had before is over now and what’s left is a mess that Black doesn’t even know how to begin cleaning up. His heart is somewhere on the floor, and it feels a lot like Gumpa is about to step on it - ruin it forever.
“You matter to me, and I-,” Gumpa hangs his head, before looking up. Black can’t meet his eyes. Every word the other man says hurts more than the last.
“Seriously Black, what the fuck is wrong with us?”
Black doesn’t know how to answer that. What isn’t wrong? Right now, everything feels like a mess and he doesn’t even know how to explain half of it. He wants Gumpa, that’s the only thing he’s sure of at the moment. But Gumpa can’t do this.
All Black wants is to allow Gumpa to hold him again, allow him to step closer, and put his arms around him like before, but he can’t. Not when he knows that Gumpa is already halfway out the door, and when he can’t seem to find a good enough answer to any of Gumpa’s questions.
So he goes with the honest answer - the only one he can give. “I don’t know.”
At his reply, Gumpa breathes deeply before he scratches his neck and moves slowly towards the bed again to sit down on the soft material. He plays with the fabric of the comforter and Black doesn’t know if he’s allowed to follow, so he stays put.
“Remember a few days ago, on the roof?”
Black nods.
“I told you I missed you and I don’t think you know how much I meant that. You fit here, in the garage and in this room, and like I said earlier it was weird not having your dirty clothes strewn around the place and your grumpy face greeting me in the morning.” Gumpa smiles to himself, but it’s sad and it doesn’t reach his eyes. “It’s so pathetic, but you really fucked me up.”
Black moves closer. He can’t find it in him to just stand there and Gumpa allows it until he suddenly looks away and stands up, moving away from him much like Black did before. Black’s heart races as he sees Gumpa retreat further into himself and head towards the door again.
“I’m sorry,” he blurts out, but it’s difficult to know what he’s apologizing for. He can tell that he messed up, but he can’t seem to understand why. They already talked about this. He knows that Gumpa has been hurt and he so wishes he could take it back, but he can’t. He thought Gumpa understood. The confusion he feels at Gumpa pulling away is hard to define, but his head hurts from trying to keep up with the change from before Gram interrupted them.
“You do realize that this will be an absolute mess, right?”
Gumpa doesn’t spare him a glance when he speaks. He walks over to a photo tacked to the wall and runs his fingers across the glossy paper. Black knows what photo it is without looking. It’s a photo White gave him a few weeks after they were rescued. It’s of them, the whole gang, gathered around the couch downstairs for the first time since Yok was released from the hospital, all still looking worse for wear, but alive.
“What?” Black wonders, brows furrowed, confused at Gumpa’s words and struggling to keep up.
“Us,” Gumpa answers and looks away from the photo to focus on the floor rather than Black who stands unmoving in the middle of the room. “If something happens between us, and it doesn’t work out. If we fuck this up and let’s face it, we probably will-”
“Says who?”
Black can’t listen to this. He knows they’ll mess up and fight, and probably annoy the hell out of each other, but Gumpa sounds so sure they’ll never make it. As if he knows.
As if they never had any hope in the first place.
Gumpa sorts. “It’s a fact. This was just- this was never in the cards for us. We’re both too fucked up, and-,” Black watches the other man take a breath and walk over to the bed again, sitting down with his head in his hands. “You do things to me, Black, and it’s a whole fucking mess. Even when you wouldn’t talk to me and barely wanted to be in the same space as me, I still missed you. Even after having to watch you go to Tod or whatever the fuck else you do, I still waited. Do you get that?”
Gumpa’s voice breaks on the last word and Black wants to move closer, but the other man fixes him with a challenging stare and Black stops himself.
“I still waited and I still missed you, and-” Gumpa cuts himself off, looking over at Black’s bedside table as if it can help him find the words he’s missing. “You were the one I talked to.”
Black barely hears the words over the loud silence in the room, and he swallows audibly.
“You were the one I talked to about things, even the stuff I didn’t tell anyone. And then, suddenly, you were the thing I wanted to talk about. You were the thing that frustrated me and kept me up at night. So what do I do then?”
“I don’t-” Black tries, but Gumpa doesn’t allow him to continue.
“If I let myself depend on you even more, and we fuck it up? I don’t even- It just can’t happen.” Black watches as Gumpa looks over at the photo on his wall again before he looks down. “There’s also more to consider than just my feelings. We- I’m responsible for more than just you and me, and I can’t allow myself to let my stupid feelings mess everything up when we inevitably hurt each other.”
“I wouldn’t-”
“You haven’t really given me a reason to trust that, though. Have you?”
Fuck.
“But if we fucking love each other-”
“Do you?” Gumpa cuts him off again, and his eyes don’t waver as he looks at him. His dark eyes bore into his, and Black feels naked even when the old material of his t-shirt feels suffocating against his skin. It’s the worst of all contradictions. “Do you really love me, Black?”
Yes.
The answer is so clear in his head, and the words are right there. In his head, they already float around the room, caught somewhere in the space between the floor and the ceiling. But he realizes the words haven’t left him when Gumpa looks away and shakes his head.
“Do you love him?”
The air leaves the room. Black is sure there’s no more oxygen left because he feels dizzy and he can’t help the way he almost topples over.
Do you love him?
He wants to ask who Gumpa is talking about, but that would be stupid.
“I- I don’t know.”
Black wishes he knew how to answer that - wishes that a clear “no” was ready on his lips. It’s terrifying to know that it isn’t. Because maybe he did love Tod. He had realized yesterday that Tod was never who he really wanted. He knows now, that Tod was a way to fill some sick void that Black always refused to even try to explore. He knows that Tod will never make him feel like Gumpa does - even now, when the other man looks accusatory and disappointed his way from where he’s sitting on the bed Gumpa still makes him feel like livewire every time their eyes meet.
Black knows that Tod was never the one. But he was someone. He was there. He was accessible. Tod was everything he hated but everything that made Black feel alive at the same time, and in a lot of ways Black isn’t sure where he would be if it wasn’t for his former best friend. So maybe he did love him for being there.
Maybe, Black realizes as he watches the way Gumpa looks down at his hands, thinking back on the way his nerves reacted to Gumpa’s every touch just a moment ago - maybe he just hates himself too much, and Tod was the only one who treated him like he felt like he deserved.
Whatever the answer, Black still can’t seem to reply with a clear no to Gumpa’s question. Regardless of what the feelings were rooted in, Black has enough self-awareness to understand that he at least loved Tod at some point. They were friends first and regardless of whether it was always healthy or good, Tod has been there since the very beginning. There is no version of Black that Tod has not been around for, and no part of him that Tod hasn’t influenced.
So to give Gumpa an answer is difficult because he refuses to lie, but he can’t seem to figure out the truth.
It shouldn’t matter though. He doesn’t want Tod. He wants the beautiful and gentle man in front of him. The man who treats him like he’s worthy of something, even now when Black can tell that the other man desperately wants to leave and probably forget him forever.
“It doesn’t matter though, does it? It’s over, and I-,” Black doesn’t know what Gumpa wants, and he can’t seem to understand why even the truth can’t seem to be enough. “I want you.”
Gumpa scoffs at his words, and it makes Black feel small.
“Black,” the other man says, “you left me the morning after our first kiss to go see him. So please, explain to me how I’m supposed to believe that you aren’t just getting bored of Tod and need someone else to fuck around with.”
Gumpa’s confidence falls when he’s done. “I’m willing to do a lot for you, Black. But I can’t just be something you play with for a while until you get bored.”
I can’t just be something you play with for a while until you get bored.
The words taunt Black as he tried to wrap his head around it. Black couldn’t give less of a fuck about what people thought of his personal life and he’s heard it all before, but somehow - coming from Gumpa - the words make disgust pool in his stomach.
“It’s not like that,” he whispers in an effort to defend himself, but he finds it hard to speak with confidence when Gumpa is right in front of him.
“Huh?”
“It’s not fucking like that, and you know it!”
“How, Black? How the fuck am I supposed to know how you feel when you can’t even tell me!” Gumpa’s voice is loud and laced with venom as he yells back until he seemingly deflates and takes a calming breath. “I get it, Black, I believe you when you say that it’s over. I’m glad, because that fucker treated you like shit and I swear it’s taken everything in me to not fucking kill him for it. But how can I trust that you won’t do the same thing as always and disappear into someone’s bed as soon as something makes you uncomfortable?”
“I- I wouldn’t.”
He wouldn’t do that. Not to Gumpa.
“Then what the fuck just happened before Gram showed up?”
The question stumps Black and for a few seconds he tries to wrap his head around it. He doesn’t get to untangle it though, because Gumpa continues. “Black, we both knew that this conversation was coming. Even you must have known that we can’t just jump into something like this without really talking about it, but instead, you did what you always do and tried to put it off by kissing me and-”
That feels unfair. Gumpa kissed him back. Gumpa held on to him just as tight and looked just as overwhelmed with everything as Black was himself. The other man was there as well, and Black can’t be the only one held accountable for whatever Gumpa suddenly decided he doesn’t want anymore.
He wants to argue and explain, but Gumpa speaks first. “Look, I’m not saying that it was all your fault because it wasn’t. I got too caught up in it and I didn’t stop you. But I should have. This is what you do, Black. You don’t think sometimes and you just do whatever you want without thinking of any of the consequences, and- I can’t afford to do that.”
“There’s too much going on with you, and Tod, and me, and just everything. I didn’t get the chance to think it through, and then Gram came and I finally had the chance to breathe, and-” Gumpa stops his ramblings with a deep breath. “I just can’t, Black.”
The silence in the room after Gumpa finishes is killing him. Black holds his body completely rigid so that he doesn’t shout, or throw something against the wall, or fuck cries - that would be too pathetic. Instead, he nods and feels every bit of hope leave him. Not even half an hour ago, he held Gumpa in his arms and tasted his skin and made him moan, and now everything is shit again and for once he doesn’t think that he’s the only one who fucked up. They both did. They both took way too much and wanted even more.
But the reality of Gumpa in front of him looking lost as if the two of them are some puzzle that he knows is already missing a piece and can never be put back together makes it clear.
“You’re saying it’s not worth it to try,” Black whispers, and his voice breaks. “I’m not worth it.”
He dares to look at the other man after speaking and Gumpa does look sorry then. The man reaches out for him and it makes Black flinch so Gumpa lets his hand drop back to his lap instead. “Black, you know that’s not true. I just think it’s better to try and salvage whatever friendship there is left. We should do our best to fix-”
“Are you fucking kidding me?” Black snorts. Just the idea of it is so incredulous that it feels like his head is going to explode. Salvage their friendship. As if it doesn’t feel like that was already ruined from the moment they met. As if Black doesn’t feel like this was always supposed to happen, and his fucked up head just spent too long putting the pieces together. “I like you, Gumpa! Do you really think we could go back to the way it was before? The friendship you want to salvage was fucking torture for the both of us!”
Gumpa tries to speak, maybe to defend himself or explain, but Black is having none of it. “There is no friendship to save! Don’t you fucking get that?”
His throat hurts from the force of his words and the silence feels deafening when he’s finished. It feels like the calm after the storm. When the tornado has passed and all that’s left is rubble and damage. The need to leave and save himself from the aftermath feels so strong that Black has to sit down in order to keep himself from leaving.
Gumpa doesn’t speak when he comes closer, but when Black looks over he can see the wetness lining the other man’s eyes and he can’t help the sting in his own.
“I- I don’t know what you want me to do,” Black whispers, dragging a hand across his face to hide a tear that lost its battle and falls towards the floor. “I’m sorry for always being so selfish, but this-” He chokes on the words and takes a deep breath before continuing. “I want you. And I get it if it’s too much, but please don’t ask me to just pretend like nothing and go back to whatever the fuck we were doing before.”
He’s begging - hoping that the other man will take pity on him - and Black never begs. He feels small and a part of him hates how Gumpa has reduced him to this. “I can’t do that.”
“I-”
“Please,” he tries again. “I know I’ve hurt you, and I’m sorry. I really am. But I can’t take anything back, and I’m sorry it took me this long to understand.”
It’s the last ditch effort. The last thing he can do. He can give Gumpa the truth - tell him everything - and then- then it’s up to Gumpa.
“You are important to me too. You have mattered so much to me, so when-,” Black feels Gumpa stiffen next to him, and the words jumble in his head. “I just- I’m not good with people giving a fuck. Never have been. So when I started to feel things for you I just,” he cuts himself off. It feels weird being this open. Even with Gumpa. “I just wanted to be the one to leave first, because I could feel how much you cared and it felt fucking suffocating. I never deserved it.”
“You have always been too good for me, and I figured out early on that nothing could ever happen between us. So I left. I moved out because that would be better and then I met Eugene, and she was nice, and she cared, and she- I guess she felt a little bit like you.”
He can feel Gumpa move next to him and the fear of the other man leaving gives Black the courage to continue. “You’re right. I am a selfish asshole. Because I never felt like this with her, but she was the next best thing. But because she’s like you, she started to care more than I was ready for. She would ask all the right questions and say all the right things to make me want to leave. And I couldn’t go to you, so then-”
The wetness on his cheeks is getting uncomfortable, so he takes a breath and drags a hand across his face to clear his head. “Tod’s always been there, you know? He wasn’t always like this, and he felt like the only friend I could go to. But he was so different from the two of you. He never asked questions - at least not the ones that matter - and for a while, he felt like the only one that didn’t care. He never felt suffocating, because he never bothered to expect anything. And so it just happened. And I’m a fucking asshole for the way I’ve treated Eugene, but-”
Why is this so fucking hard?
“Tod treated me like I deserved. With you and Eugene, it always felt like I was messing things up. I made wrong choices and I hurt people and it felt like eventually everything bad about me would rub off on you and mess things up. I could never seem to do the right thing. So Tod became an escape. Someone who was already so fucked up that I didn’t need to worry about ruining him.”
Black takes a deep breath and manages to look over. Gumpa’s eyes are wet and he doesn’t look at him, but Black can tell that he has his full attention.
“But then we kissed. And it felt different. It felt like so much, you know?”
He moves to reach out to Gumpa, but holds himself back and lets his arm fall onto the space between them on the bed. “I went to Tod yesterday like I’ve always done when things feel too real, but when I got there, I couldn’t stop myself from thinking about it. So I had to see if I was as messed up as I thought.”
New tears well in his eyes, and Black curses himself for letting a small sob force its way out of his mouth. “I thought- I stupidly thought that maybe you felt different because you were gentle and because you cared. But even when Tod tried, it still felt nothing like it had with you. So I left.”
He moves closer to Gumpa, demanding his attention by touching his arm. He wants Gumpa to look at him - needs him to see the honesty in his eyes. “Nothing happened yesterday. Nothing. We kissed, that’s it. I couldn’t go through with it, because I realized that I was fucked and that it wasn’t just a stupid need to be cared for, but it was you. I don’t know if there’s any love in me for Tod, but I do know that I care about you and that I’m desperate for all the things you’ve wanted to give me.”
He’s crying now. Fat tears cascade across his blotchy skin, and his nose runs unattractively. “I don’t fucking know where to go from here, but I know that I want you - even when I know I don’t deserve it. I know I’m selfish, and that I’m asking a lot, but I just-”
Black takes a deep breath and tries to steady his breathing. He lays his hand carefully on top of Gumpa’s and Gumpa doesn’t pull away. “I want to try. I want you to want me, and I want the chance to show you how much I want you. I- just want you.”
Black feels powerless where he sits on the bed he calls his own, and another lump forms in his throat at the realization that everything in this room belongs to the man beside him. Everything around him except the few items he brought with him when he moved in and the backpack of items on the floor by the door. Everything. There’s so much of Gumpa everywhere.
He doesn’t know what to say and as the seconds stretch on, he can’t help but feel similar to when White and his dad left years ago. There will be a before and after this. A Black before and after Gumpa breaks him completely. The few feet between them might as well be miles as he sits there and watches the other man and the queasy feeling in his gut grows stronger, and he realizes that Gumpa isn’t going to answer him.
He tried. He asked for what he wanted, and it is too much for Gumpa to give. Black gets it. He sees the set of Gumpa’s shoulders and the way his fingers have turned white from the strength with which he’s holding himself back, and he understands.
It’s not enough.
There was always a limit to what Black could ask for and expect to receive. This was it. The final drop, and now everything is broken. There’s nothing left but two people who never had the courage to be completely honest, and the oppressing silence of a room where too many words that were spoken too late hangs in the air. He takes his hand back and tries to memorize the feel of Gumpa’s skin again the pads of his fingertips, but unfortunately, the feeling disappears quickly.
There’s not much left, but he has to try and salvage the small piece of him that doesn’t crumble as the silence just stretches on. “I’m sorry. I’ll- I’ll leave. I can ask White to come and get my things whenever it works best for you.”
He doesn’t want to leave. It feels daunting to have to walk out, but someone has to and Gumpa refuses to look at him, and Black is again reminded of the fact that this is Gumpa’s place. He has no rights to this room and the stuff he didn’t bring with him. He has no right to keep hurting the man next to him. He inhales shakily and slides a hand across his face again in an unsuccessful effort to make himself calm down.
He did it. They talked about it and everything is out in the open. It should make him feel better, but honestly, he feels worse than when Gumpa left without any words last night.
He stands and walks over to his nightstand to pick up his phone. He checks the time and sees a few unanswered messages from White asking how last night went. He wants to snort, but he’s scared it might come out as a sob, so he instead opens their chat to ask his brother if he has time to pick him up at the garage. He gives himself a moment to think it over though, and instead pockets his phone and takes a deep breath.
He doesn’t need White’s comfort, he feels too fragile for that right now.
“I need time.”
Black is halfway to the door when Gumpa finally speaks, and he has to bite the inside of his cheek to stop himself from screaming.
“I know,” he replies, struggling to keep his voice level. “I get it. I’ll stay away for a while. Just- Just let me know-” if you ever change your mind.
He can’t finish the sentence out loud. He feels too frayed open to lay out any more of his pieces knowing that Gumpa is letting him go. He’s leaving, and he doesn’t know when he’ll get to come back. It hurts in a way that’s difficult to explain.
“No! I mean, I need time, I need loads of time.”
“I- “
Gumpa stands and walks closer, moving slowly as if scared that any sudden movements might make Black leave, and he’s right because Black feels the familiar itch under his skin with each step closer Gumpa makes. He stays put, but when Gumpa gets to him he can’t help but shy away from the other man's wandering hand reaching out to take his own. Gumpa doesn’t let him move too far though, and grabs it anyways, moving so close that Black can feel their breaths mingling.
“Black,” Gumpa breathes and Black can’t help but lean into the hand that softly touches his face. “Of course, I want this. I want you, everything.”
Something warm blossoms in Black’s chest as the words find their way to him. I want you plays on repeat in his head and when Gumpa reaches out and grabs a hold of his t-shirt, fisting it between trembling fingers and pulls him into a hug, Black feels something in him snap.
“I want this. I want to be able to do this without having to overthink and wonder how you will react, and I want your fucked up mind and- But I need time. I can’t afford to have you-”
Black silences Gumpa’s pleading voice by pulling him even closer, and he knows that tears of relief must be staining the material of Gumpa’s shirt. Hugs were never something he’d craved before, but with Gumpa suddenly everywhere again - so much like before Gram broke them apart earlier - it feels amazing to have the other man in his arms.
“Okay,” he whispers. “Of course. Yeah.”
Black doesn’t know if there are more words he can say to let Gumpa know that yes, I’ll do anything. He wracks his brain but stops when Gumpa trembles in his arms and the grip around the small of his back tighten.
“You terrify me,” Gumpa whispers, and the words tickle where small puffs of air meet the soft skin of Black’s neck. “You terrify me, and you’re an asshole, but I want you, and I can’t just let you leave like you always do.”
Gumpa pulls back and Black finds it difficult to stay standing as soon as their bodies separate. Gumpa takes a hold of his shoulders, though, and Black fears that it’s the only thing keeping him standing when the other man leans forward so their eyes can meet. Gumpa looks at him, and Black can see the soft look in his eyes.
The other man whispers when he continues, his eyes roaming his face and thumb slowly stroking across Black’s cheekbone. “I can’t afford for us to fuck this up, Black. So, slow. We have to go slow. I don’t trust you. Not yet.”
I love you.
I love you.
It feels like too much. Heartbreakingly beautiful. Everything he never dared to dream of. The relief is instant. It feels like his body is suddenly light in a way that he can’t remember experiencing.
He nods, and a small smile spreads on Gumpa’s lips.
“I don’t want to make decisions out of fucking fear, and what am I doing now? Giving up what I want, what I fucking should have, just because I don’t know how it’ll end. Because I don't. We don't.” Maybe it looks like he’s going to say something because Gumpa raises his hand to halt him, “And, Black, I believe you, about Tod, I just- I believe you, and I want you too. I just need time.”
Gumpa looks down and toys with the hem of Black’s t-shirt. There’s a plea in his words when he looks back up. His lips quiver. “Black.”
The broken tone of Gumpa's voice puts Black into action. He puts his whole self around the other man and tries despite their difference in height to encompass Gumpa completely. He hugs the other man close to him with everything he’s got, and Gumpa exhales shakily before he wraps himself around him again and buries his head in the crook of his neck. The heat of their bodies is mixing and it feels so good, Black could cry.
I love you.
The words are there again, bouncing around his chest, and he wonders if Gumpa can hear them from the lack of space between them. He can feel Gumpa’s erratic heartbeat, and it feels a little like the other man’s heart beats the same. He moves his head so he too can shield himself in the crook of Gumpa’s neck and takes a deep breath to let the comforting smell of the other man wash over him. When he dares to place his lips against the warm skin he feels Gumpa shiver, and he pulls him even closer.
I love you
I want you
I choose you.
—
Gumpa’s room looks different than Black remembers. It shouldn’t be surprising considering it’s been years since he was here last, but somehow it is. Gumpa never changed to him. Gumpa has always been the one person who has felt the same since the beginning. People have had a tendency to change after a while, slowly revealing layers that put them in a different light, but Gumpa never did. Gumpa always remained the same to Black, so it’s weird to see that his room didn’t.
When they used to live together, before everything became a mess, Gumpa’s room was bland. Impersonal. There were few personal items, and the walls were black save for a couple of photos of his mom, which Black is pretty sure he memorizes while he was living here before. The room was clean - sterile - and each time Black had joked about it, Gumpa had explained it away by blaming his years in the military.
Now it’s chaos.
There are posters from rallies on the wall, pictures of people Black recognizes as Tawi’s co-conspirators on a notice board above his desk, and several other items that Black doesn’t remember seeing before. It makes something uncomfortable curl in his stomach when he realizes that the room looks different because Gumpa is.
It might not feel like it to Black, but things changed after he moved out. Gumpa before he moved was straight out of the army, had recently used his savings to buy a garage, and was nothing more than a guy with a good work ethic and strong morals that made him the perfect match for Black’s.
Now, as he looks around the room, it becomes apparent that Gumpa changed more than Black knew. He’s the boss now, of more than just the garage and the people who work here. It’s obvious by just looking at the letters on his desk and the stack of t-shirts printed with a red #ROL logo that sits on a chair in the corner that Gumpa has taken it upon himself to take charge over far more.
Black has seen the interviews, they’re all over TV, and the Twitter page White made him follow. He can even remember how many times Gumpa has shown up on his timeline, and it made his heart race each time. Gumpa is their spokesperson now. The one person who dared to do what needed to be done in order to keep up the momentum their release gave them, and Black can tell from the state of his room that it’s not a task the other man has taken lightly. Pride swells in his chest, and he can’t help the small smile that forms on his lips when he looks at the mess of plans on the other man’s desk.
When he’s done taking in the state of the room he’s in he looks over to the man next to him and finds Gumpa already watching him. His eyes are soft, but there’s a new light to them that somehow makes the look even prettier, and they don’t look away when Black turns and gets comfortable on the pillow - keeping their eyes locked as he moves.
It feels weird - no, different - to be in here and have Gumpa’s attention so completely. There are no stolen glances and no protective walls between them now, and when Gumpa moves his head closer so their noses almost touch and Black feels his warm breath tickle his face, he doesn’t move away. He keeps his eyes on the man in front of him and watches as his focus shifts from meeting his eyes to looking at the new scar across his left eyebrow, and then his nose, his lips, his cheekbone, and back to his eyes.
It feels intimate in a way no hands or skin against skin has ever felt, and when the pad of Gumpa’s thumb traces the scar he was eyeing earlier, Black can’t help but lean into it, allowing the other man to trace the features of his face carefully. It should feel awkward - to be so close like this - but it’s not. Black feels sated and although he can’t help the quiet hum of arousal in his lower stomach, he still feels content.
There’s something about it. Having Gumpa so close with his tan skin, and his dark eyes, and his comforting smell, and know that this is it. There aren’t any expectations for more. In fact, the deal is to do just this - find comfort and pleasure in just being.
Black can’t remember the last time he fell asleep next to someone just to sleep, and he isn’t sure if anyone has ever looked at him the way Gumpa does and still kept their hands from moving lower and for things not to get heated. Yet, he finds himself enjoying the calm of it all and the way Gumpa looks so relaxed and so different from earlier today.
He gets it now. Going slow. He revels in it.
Still, when Gumpa’s fingers curl around his jaw and a thumb strokes across his bottom lip, he can’t help himself and he moves closer.
When their lips meet Gumpa allows it and he opens up so their tongues can glide against each other. It is slow and they both keep it that way, even as Black’s hand moves to Gumpa’s hair and pulls the other man closer. Black can’t tell how long they kiss, but it stops when the need for air gets too much, and he can’t help the smile that spreads on his lips when Gumpa stays close.
Gumpa smiles too and leans in once more for a small peck that has Black chuckling before he pushes lightly at the other man’s chest with a “fuck off” that is entirely too soft. Gumpa doesn’t though. He stays close and just looks at him.
“I’m happy,” the other man whispers into the space between them, and Black can’t help but say it back.
“I’m happy too.”
Because he is. Because he doesn’t want to be anywhere else.
Because I love you.