Chapter Text
In the morning, Tubbo awoke to knocks at the front door. Nobody else had seemed to hear it, which was impossible because it was incredibly loud. He just assumed then that everyone was ignoring it in hopes that someone else would deal with it. Guess that someone had to be him.
He threw on a bathrobe, which was the closest thing to an actual robe he owned, and made his way downstairs. He opened the door without a second thought and was almost knocked down by Purpled attempting to barge in before he could close the door again.
“Is Tommy back yet?” He asked, already letting himself in.
Tubbo barely had time to process what just happened. “Uh, no. No she isn’t back. Are you insane?”
“I’m just worried about her, okay. I need her to be safe because if she gets hurt I don’t know what I’d do.”
“That’s my line.” Tubbo slammed the door, a lot too hard. “You think you can just come in here acting like Tommy is your property? Your best friend?”
“She is.” Purpled sounded pretty serious. Or… he was being serious?
Tubbo swallowed his steadily building anger to stave it off for a little while longer, “Yeah, uh-huh, she’s actually my best friend, so…”
“…Aren’t you just fostered together?”
“Fostered together like bonded cats.”
“…Well, anyway, how is she doing? Do you have any updates?”
“No, Purpled. There’s no updates, she’s probably in a straitjacket.”
“You need to let me know.” Purpled walked over to the front door again. “Anything. Even if it’s through a call or a text.”
“I don’t have my phone anymore.”
“What, Phil take it from you as punishment?” Purpled joked.
Tubbo didn’t find it funny. “Left it at some old guy’s house I think, after overdosing. But uh, yeah, your version is funnier I guess.”
Purpled nodded awkwardly and took the queue to get out. Once the door was closed again, Tubbo walked into the kitchen. He debated on eating cereal for the hundredth time in a row, but settled instead on some plain toast. It was better than nothing.
It was getting around the time he’d be heading to school, but they were on break for the holiday. At least he had that to look forward to, somewhat. About an hour into watching some cooking show on TV, there was another knock at the door. Softer, but not meek enough to be a stranger.
Once again, Tubbo took it upon himself to get it. On the other side was Eret, and Tubbo had never been more grateful to see them.
They smiled down at him “Good Morning!”
“Yeah.” He let them in.
“So, this isn’t a ‘show up unannounced for a check-in’ kind of situation right now, I just want to see how you’re doing one-on-one.”
The two of them sat down, Tubbo on the couch and the social worker on the chair. The television volume was muted. “I’m, uh, doing alright.”
“Be honest with me, you know this already.”
He wanted so badly just to tell them to shut the fuck up. “Well— Eret, what do you wanna hear? Whenever I say I’m fine you call me a liar, do you just want me to be fucked up? I don’t get— I don’t-“
“Tubbo, Tubbo… it’s okay if you’re just feeling fine. But as someone who has known you for as many years as I’ve known you, I know that you are a liar. Not in a bad way, you do it to protect yourself, but you lie . You can’t lie to me.”
They were right. And it pissed Tubbo off. “You just want me to tell you I’ve… I don’t know, smoked crack and tried to throw myself off the roof or something, don’t you? Well I haven’t.”
“…Then I’m proud of you.”
Eret wrote down in their little notebook, probably talking all about how evil Tubbo was acting. How off-putting his behavior was.
“I seriously haven’t. I haven’t even thought about either of those things in weeks.”
“That’s good. Something you can think about is if you want to visit Tommy during Thanksgiving.”
Wait. Seriously? See Tommy again as soon as tomorrow ? There’s no way Eret wasn’t lying. They had to be.
“Tomorrow? I can visit her tomorrow?” Tubbo spoke only to quiet his racing thoughts.
Eret nodded. “It’s a holiday, typically spent with family. I’m sure the whole household could visit if possible.”
But Tubbo shook his head. “No, no… Techno and Wilbur can’t leave the house and she doesn’t like Ranboo and Phil anyway. She’d only wanna see me. She does wanna see me, right?”
“Uh, well, I haven’t spoken to her directly but…”
“Okay, it’s alright. I don’t care. I wanna see her. Tomorrow.”
“Alright. I can set it up with the hospital and let you know. I can text or call you when-“
“Don’t have a phone.”
“Oh! Yeah, alright… I’ll drop by to let you know, then.”
Tubbo nodded, feelings of excitement and nervousness mixing in his stomach to make him nauseous. Eret let themself out. He looked back at the TV, the food on screen making him feel sick now. So he shut it off.
He laid back on the couch. It was only a little while ago that he woke up, but now he needed a nap.
-
When Tommy arrives at the psychiatric ward, nobody is surprised. In fact, they practically have a room saved for her. Other patients, ones who have been there for far longer than she, are always excited to see her. Aside from Tubbo, she’d made friends with a few people before.
She didn’t speak for nearly an entire day. In the morning, when she was woken up to eat breakfast, she sat alone. For a little while.
Someone sat next to her, and she almost didn’t notice, too busy poking at the food she wasn’t going to eat anyway. Then they spoke. “You’re looking different these days.” When she finally turned to look at them, she realized just how familiar they were.
“Oh shit, Ant?” She said, almost in disbelief.
“In the flesh.” The guy replied.
“It’s… good to see you, but…” Then Tommy went quiet. And it started to feel awkward.
Ant cleared his throat. “Uh, yeah. Well, they think I’m not getting any better so…”
“Have you had the uh… court thing yet?”
“Man, you remember that?” Ant giggled, almost playing off the genuine question Tommy had as if it were a joke. “Not yet. Got postponed until some time next year. I think they just want to keep me here even longer.”
“I don’t know how you can do it. I would have run away by now.”
“Oh, I’ve tried. But they always catch you, so it’s impossible to get too far.” Ant nudged Tommy’s ribs to get her to lean in so he could whisper, “If you wanna try, though, I’ll help you out.”
She shook her head, an unsure smile on her face, “Nah, probably shouldn’t. I’ll be out soon anyway. I didn’t even do anything this time.”
“I didn’t do anything either, but these people will lie about you no matter what.” Ant’s eyes flickered to the scars on Tommy’s arms and small mark on her throat. “You didn’t do anything, though?”
“No. Not really. Not an attempt or anything.” Was she lying? A little. “Well, not a real attempt. I was… I wasn’t thinking right.”
Ant nodded, “I get you. Just make sure you do all the nonsense they force on you so you get out of here faster. I can’t even mention… you know who … without them thinking I’m having some kind of episode.”
You know who ? Did she know who? The only person she could think of that Ant wasn’t allowed to directly speak about was… oh. “You mean…” She made her fingers into the shape of the letter V, quickly, only for half a second.
“Mhm.”
“Goddamn. If they did that for me and Tubbo I would be in solitary confinement already.”
That made Ant laugh. And it made Tommy smile a little at her own joke.
Then, a question she had dreaded being asked, one that she knew would come to her a thousand times in that building… “By the way, what’s going on with your… look?”
She didn’t know whether or not to be honest. “Just… don’t know, I don’t even remember putting on any specific clothes or… yeah. It’s nothing.”
It was one thing to be closested in the real world, where she wouldn’t see most people but for a couple seconds at a time, where if she was wearing a skirt or dress she could hopefully not be looked at twice when it came to people assuming she was a girl. And then it was another to be in such a confined space. With people, some she already knew. How was she supposed to just… explain that to someone? It’s not like being trans was a new concept she came up with, but still.
She just needed to wait it out. Soon, she’d be home.
-
A week into her visit, Tommy was considering makeshifting some kind of sharp object to cut herself. It was actually excruciating. Talking in a group about how she tried to kill herself, except she didn’t actually try to kill herself, and being force fed medicine to help her sleep at night. Okay, force fed is pretty strong phrasing, but it felt forced to her. In a way, it was. She had to endure it in order to leave faster.
During some free time, Ant fills her in about what’s been going on in his world. As best as he can without getting himself in trouble. “So,” He flashes a quick “V” with his fingers, fast enough that only Tommy would have been able to see it, “he wasn’t able to get away with pleading insanity or anything, so he’s fully in jail now.”
“Jesus. Are they gonna put him on death row?”
“I don’t even think that’s legal. Anyway, because of that, anytime I mention him the staff assumes I’m still all…” Ant gestured wildly around his own head with his hands, “fucked in the head about him.”
Tommy laughed. “But are you?”
“...A little bit, I’m not gonna lie.”
She giggled again. “But not like… ‘kill your parents’ fucked up, right?”
“Low blow.”
“You know me.”
They shared a few soft chuckles. And, keeping up with what Ant thought to be a mostly lighthearted conversation, he asked the worst question. “So, how’s The Hall doing? You still dealing with her?”
The Hall. Right. “She’s a fucking bitch.” Tommy hissed. “And no, I’ve been away from her for months now, thank fucking god.”
“Woah, she was that bad?”
“She was evil , Ant. Like, needs to be locked away forever, kind of evil.”
“Whaaaat? She didn’t try to like… off you or anything, did she?”
“I’d prefer if she did, I think. But anyway, my current foster is named Phil. He’s a fucking awful person too. Did something to his own son so bad he’s got multiple personalities.”
“You have the worst luck.”
“Tell me about it.”
Tommy had never been forced to stay in the ward for more than a couple weeks. Had she been there longer in the past? Yeah, of course. But in this case, she thought she deserved to go home. Really, she didn’t even do anything this time.
She didn’t want to talk to therapists. She just wanted to leave. But she had to do what she had to do. She didn’t tell them about her recent diagnosis, then they’d definitely put her on medication. But they must have found out anyway, somehow.
In the morning, they gave her a pill. It took a while to start working, but eventually she almost started to come through to reality. She needed to get out of there as soon as possible.
“So, I’ve been doing really good, and I’m taking the medicine, and I’m not complaining. When can I go home?” She asked a therapist. And she got no clear answer.
“That is not for me to decide.” No help, as usual.
-
It was two days before Thanksgiving, and Tommy didn’t even know it. She was pretty fed up watching the same movies over and over again during free time, and the crayons they let her use just made her feel like a baby.
Ant was coloring a picture of a turkey next to her as she scowled at the movie on the television. “I fucking hate Cars.”
The boy laughed, “It’s just some talking cars, man.”
“Annoying talking cars.”
Ant lifted his finished picture to show off, “Look at this. They should play Chicken Run next.”
Tommy rolled her eyes at both the image and the movie suggestion. “Why are you coloring a turkey anyway?”
“For… Thanksgiving?”
“…” Tommy had forgotten Thanksgiving existed. She really never celebrated it before. Like, ever . So in her head directly after Halloween was Christmas. “Oh. Yeah.”
“I love Thanksgiving here, so fun!” Ant said sarcastically. “But really, the slices of turkey they give out is better than my parents’ was.”
The past tense made Tommy snort. “Was? They aren’t dead. Are they going to be allowed to visit you?”
“They wouldn’t want to. But at least with you here I’ll have a friend around.”
“How sweet…”
Unexpectedly, Tommy’s name was called and she was beconned to walk over to a nurse. When she got there, the woman asked her, “Do you need to take a walk? You look a little upset.”
“What?” Did she? She wasn’t that upset, there was no way she looked it.
“Only if you want to. If you’re able to cool off in here that’s good, otherwise I think you may need to get some fresh air.
She decided to take the nurse up on that offer. Why not? What did she have to lose, a few minutes of Cars ? She was accompanied by the same nurse when she stepped outside for a moment. The air was cold, she sighed to confirm it was cold enough to see her own breath. Despite feeling like she would freeze out there eventually, Tommy really enjoyed the cold air stinging her face. She felt most of her previous gripes with the ward almost being forgotten, like if she went inside now she would appear at a dining room table in a warm home with her family surrounding her. She didn’t even know how to imagine that.
She didn’t want to go back. She wanted out already. To see Tubbo again, to go… home. Wherever home was. She was half convinced she was still at the ward because they didn’t know what to do with her anymore. Would Phil even accept her back? He was supposed to be a savior, the one who could fix these broken children and give them a home. That’s what she was told before being sent there. Maybe, though, some things are just impossible to fix.
Tears warmed her face before Tommy even noticed she was crying. She wiped them, making her cheeks freeze and she could tell her face was red without even needing to look. She was never getting out of here. And even if she did, somehow, miraculously… she would try to kill herself again.
There was no universe in which she would not end up killing herself. She knew this, so why didn’t everyone else get it by now? Stop trying to save her, stop trying to fix her or convince her that her life could get any better. It’s always been hell. And she was tired of it.
It was good that the doors leading out were closed, because Tommy lost feeling in her legs and dropped to her knees. And she screamed. Shrill, bloodcurdling, screams. Her throat was going to be on fire, but she didn’t care. The nurse was able to get to her before she could slam her fists into the rocks on the ground hard enough to make her bleed, and eventually multiple nurses appeared to take her away, along with a bunch of other patients watching nosily from the windows. So she didn’t resist, mostly so they wouldn’t inject her with the needle she was sure one of them was holding, and they took her somewhere safe.
-
“Are you ready to go?” Eret asked the boy who was still in a rush to get his jacket and shoes on.
“Clearly not.” Tubbo replied, quickly tying his left sneaker and standing.
It was Thanksgiving. Still morning, though, so there was plenty of time for Tubbo to do what he was getting ready to and have Wilbur’s food for dinner. He hoped so, anyway.
After finally having everything he needed, Tubbo and Eret got into the social worker’s car. Tubbo was nervous, it’d been so long since he saw Tommy. And their last interaction was one of the worst they’d had… ever. He was almost never scared to see Tommy, but he was now. Would she not even want to talk to him? Maybe she was still upset. Hopefully not, but…
Eret turned on the radio and it played the top songs of the year. Man, they really were getting to the end of the year. Soon, Tubbo would be turning seventeen. And then eighteen. And he didn’t know what he was going to do with his life after foster care. If he was lucky, maybe he could be reunited with his father. He’d have to do a lot of turning his life around and quick if that was ever going to be the case.
The hospital wasn’t the farthest away from Phil’s house, and it almost felt like they arrived too quickly when Eret pulled into the parking lot. Tubbo’s heart started pounding. It was too soon, he couldn’t possibly be seeing Tommy now. It’s too early, surely. He cleared his throat and tried to make his voice sound like it wasn’t wavering, “U-Um, do we have to go in now? Can we go to the store or- or something? Get her a gift?”
“A gift? It’s Thanksgiving, not Christmas.”
“I know, but… she’s still going to be in there when we leave. We could buy her a teddy bear or something, so she feels connected to me, still?”
Eret wasn’t sure. This was supposed to be a good reconnection, not something to fuel their codependence. A gift might end up becoming a symbol of their friendship or something, who knows how attached one of them might get to it. And if Eret was to be honest, they wanted this to end. It was sweet at first, their friendship. But it’s clearly been shown to be toxic and maybe even dangerous for the both of them. Eret wanted Tubbo somewhere they knew he would be safe. That’s their job.
“I… I guess.” They gave in, sighing as they pulled back out of their parking spot.
“Thank you.” Tubbo’s response sounded flat, but Eret knew he meant it.
When they got to the store, Tubbo asked to just hop out really quickly. Eret gave him their card and said not to be too long. He immediately went to the toy section, seeking out something small and cute that Tommy might like. But something was almost shouting in the back of his mind.
There’s a pharmacy in the store. He could easily…
No. No . He just recovered from his last overdose, he doesn’t need this right now. He grabbed a small fuzzy dog plush and made his way to the self checkout, the pharmacy section still calling his name.
After paying for the stuffed dog, Tubbo tossed it in a plastic bag. Then it was up to him to decide to leave or not.
He came back to Eret’s car five minutes later. “What took so long? You couldn’t find the right gift?” They asked him, speeding away back to the hospital. They were probably going to be late.
“Yeah.” Tubbo replied. His stomach was doing backflips in the moving car. He was scared he might throw up. He really didn’t want to do that.
Eventually they got back to the hospital, though Eret’s previous parking spot was taken. They got their vistor’s passes to the mental health wing and Eret led Tubbo inside. It was familiar, and that made Tubbo even sicker.
Eret did the introductions and talked to the nurses about the visit, Tubbo just blanked out. He didn’t even realize he had done it until he blinked and was suddenly sitting at a table. Before he could process it, Tommy was being led in by a nurse. She didn’t look any different, aside from not wearing the same clothes she was when they last saw each other.
Tommy sat across from Tubbo, her resting frown changed to an attempt at a smile. Tubbo couldn’t force himself to do the same. “H-Happy Thanksgiving.” He said to her, then he gulped away the acidic feeling that gathered in his throat for a moment.
“Happy Thanksgiving.” Tommy said back.
The two of them had a meal sat in front of them, plastic sporks for both. Tubbo sure didn’t miss this stuff. To avoid making it any more awkward, he just dug in. Starting with the mashed potatoes.
“So,” Tommy started, poking at her unseasoned green beans, “how has life been without me around?”
Tubbo swallowed the mound of food in his mouth, “I hate it. Your boyfriend won’t leave me alone.”
“Purpled? Why?”
“…He just wants to know when you’ll be home.”
The silence between them is only broken by the occasional sound of Tommy’s spork poking through the styrofoam tray. Tubbo’s stomach doesn’t feel any better.
“I don’t know.” Tommy finally said. “I want to know too.”
Tubbo looked at the nurse in the room. “They still haven’t told you when you’re getting out?”
Tommy shook her head, “Don’t think I’m ever getting out of here. Maybe it’s my life for good now. Like Ant.”
“Tommy, you’re not going to be here forever. You’ve done worse. You’ll be back in no time.”
“…I hope so.”
“You always bounce back.” Tubbo suddenly remembered his gift, it was sitting in the plastic bag next to him. “In the meantime, though…” He started, slowly removing the stuffed toy from the bag and presenting it to Tommy, “you can have this to remember me by.”
Tommy dropped her utensil in her mashed potatoes and grabbed the stuffed dog, it was so soft. She let out a laugh, “What am I gonna name it?”
“Whatever you want. So long as it isn’t horrible, and you know what I mean by that.”
“…” Tommy became lost in thought, for some reason there was really only one name that came to mind for her. “Toby.”
Tubbo jolted, “H-Huh?”
“I’ll name it Toby.” Tommy sat the dog in her lap. “I think it fits.”
The expression on Tubbo’s face was hard for him to imagine, was he smiling? Frowning? Did he look scared? Did he look like he was about to cry? Did he look like he was about to throw up?
Because he stood straight up and rushed to the nearest trash can to vomit. Finally, the sick feeling in his stomach was gone. But he also just threw up all of the food he just ate as well as… well… all the medicine he downed in the store. It had only been in his system less than half an hour, none of it even had a real chance to work yet.
He wasn’t even sure what he wanted out of doing it. Maybe he thought he’d go catatonic and pass out in front of Tommy, and she’d stab herself in the throat with her spork and the two of them would die together, hand in hand. Or maybe he just wanted to pass out when he got home with the prospect that he could die if he had swallowed just one more pill.
Who knows. Because everything has been rejected by his body now. He doesn’t have to worry about it. The nurse in the room ran over to help him, asking him if he was alright. It was just throwing up, nothing he hadn’t done a million times before for various reasons. He’d be ok.
The nurse grabbed a small paper cup full of water for him to rinse his mouth out with. The entire time he couldn’t help but think he’d ruined the whole day now. But when he looked over at Tommy, she was fiddling with the stuffed dog in her lap. She paid him no mind.
There was almost a child-like aura coming from Tommy as she made the toy look like it was dancing under the table. Tubbo doesn’t know if she ever had toys growing up. In fact, Tommy didn’t have much of a childhood at all. From everything she told Tubbo before, her early years were filled mostly with suffering. It was good to let her have this one.
After vomiting, Tubbo decided it was best to just go home. He and Tommy said their goodbyes and he promised to visit her another time if possible… if she wasn’t out anytime soon. Eret was annoying in the car.
“Are you feeling alright? Does your stomach hurt? Was it car sickness?” They asked him.
“I’m fine. I think it was just nerves.”
“Well, how was the visit? Did you get to talk much? You weren’t in there long.”
“We talked enough. The food wasn’t very good, that’s probably why I threw up.”
Eret gave a half hearted laugh, but they weren’t entirely sure it was a joke. Not long after they’d left the hospital, Eret was dropping Tubbo back off at Phil’s house. And when he got inside he wished so badly that he could just stop existing. What happened earlier was just embarrassing, he can’t even kill himself right.
Tubbo was about to toss his jacket back onto his bed and kick his shoes off, but he didn’t feel right doing that. Instead, he put his jacket back on and walked across the hallway to Technoblade’s room. He knocked and waited for a response.
“…Yeah?” Techno called from inside.
“Can— Can I come in?”
“…Why?”
“Can I use your phone for just a second please?”
“…Alright, come in.”
Tubbo cracked open the door cautiously, as if he was going to be attacked for doing so. But inside, Techno was sitting in bed watching TV.
“What do you need my phone for?” He asked him.
“I-I just need to make an important call… it won’t take long, I promise.”
Content with that answer, Techno unplugged his phone from its charger and handed it off. “Five minutes or less, okay?”
And Tubbo just nodded in response. He took the phone back to his bedroom, where he dialed a number he’d had memorized since he was small.
“H-Hey… dad?” His voice shook.
“Tubbo?”
“Yeah… it’s me.”
Schlatt’s voice sounded breathless, like he couldn’t believe Tubbo was actually talking to him again. “Are you okay? What… What's going on? We haven’t talked in weeks.”
“Dad… can you come pick me up?”
“Where are you?”
“I’m at Phil’s house. Just… Please, come pick me up.”
“What happened? Did someone hurt you?” Schlatt was starting to sound angry.
“I’m afraid I might hurt myself if you don’t.”
Then both of them were silent. Tubbo sniffed away some building tears.
“I’ll be there soon, alright?”
And then he hung up.