Chapter Text
Kaveh knew how much of a bad idea it was to talk to Alhaitham before leaving, but he couldn’t just go like that and not notify the other about his plans himself. He tried to justify this by anything other than wanting to hear his cotenant’s voice for the last time before his trip, but he couldn’t. He knew he just wanted to talk to him since he won’t be able to for some time and he didn’t really want to not let himself do that so he didn’t really try to.
He was currently waiting for Alhaitham to come back and he was going crazy because the other was late, again, and this whole situation was stressful for him. Maybe he shouldn’t have waited, just a letter would be fine, surely, but then he wouldn’t hear that lovely voice- on the other hand, maybe it wasn’t worth what he was going through right now, but just for seeing the other he would honestly pay with anything- no, he could feel his heart beat so much faster than normally and if he wasn’t sure he didn’t drink any coffee today he would just pass it down as an effect of too much caffeine, but it was all for a good reason- or maybe not really? No, no, he decided and he was not going to back down now.
„I’m going fucking crazy, surely.” Kaveh whispered as he shook his head to stop the nonsense that was going on in his head. His thoughts were messy and his breaths were short from anxiety, but it was an effect of the whole situation that he decided to pull off rather than just this goodbye and he knew it, but it was easier to say it was all because of Alhaitham. It always was. „I got this.” He reassured himself and took a deep breath to calm down his nerves.
He thought his heart stopped when he heard someone opening the door to the apartment.
Alhaitham was back and Kaveh suddenly didn’t know what to do at all. He just stood in the kitchen and waited for the other to show up there. His heart was beating so fast he thought it would jump right out of his chest. His body was shaking a little, but it still was noticeable so he had to calm down or Alhaitham would make shitty comments about him again and he really didn’t want to end up in a quarrel with the other.
He didn’t want to argue, he wanted to hear a goodbye.
He sighed and with that mindset, he decided to take the first step and go see Alhaitham. His heart was constantly skipping beats, but he didn’t care, he was not going to be a coward.
„You’re back.” Kaveh said trying to stabilize his voice as he leaned against the wall. He looked at Alhaitham and quickly came to the conclusion that the other was slightly drunk. „Where were you?” He asked sharply not on purpose, his nerves were getting the best of him, and with sudden worry added to it he didn’t control his tone well.
He was here stressing over this talk all this time while Alhaitham was having fun somewhere? Well, that was ridiculous, the other should’ve told him he was going to be out all evening. He wouldn’t have waited if he knew, but he was also concerned that he was not notified of the other’s plans.
He was a person of anxiety, especially if it was about Alhaitham so him not knowing the other went out drinking made him think of all the possible scenarios that could’ve happened. Sure, they were both adults, but what could he say? He was just worried, he would have prepared something for the other to eat when he came back and he would have made him a drink with vitamins so he wouldn’t feel bad the next day. He would also be prepared to go out and look for Alhaitham if he didn’t show up until it was late, even if it never happened before- better to be safe than sorry.
And the talk… it was all pointless now, how could he have a normal one with Alhaitham when he wasn’t even sober? It was bound to end up messy.
„That’s none of your business.” Alhaitham gave a quick response, a usual one. Kaveh would love to be used to it, to be used to be treated like a stranger, but he couldn’t say he was. It always hurt, because he never got over the change that turned them from friends to whatever they were now.
It always hurt, because he never stopped blaming himself for it.
„It certainly is if you come home drunk.” Kaveh responded, annoyance at Alhaitham’s blindness for his worry slipping into his tone. Did he really not see why he asked? Or did he simply not care? Kaveh didn’t like that the latter was a real possibility.
He didn’t like the amount of care he felt towards the other. It was like a poison to his mind because black scenarios always easily appeared in his thoughts making him feel a lot of anxiety and that was the last thing he needed in his life.
He was used to being hurt, but he would never let himself live if Alhaitham got hurt. In every meaning of this word.
It slipped from his mouth one time when he was out with his friends and Tighnari made sure to lecture him about the unhealthyness of this way of thinking, but Kaveh couldn’t change that. He blamed himself for everything that went wrong since, well, since the death of his father.
He never let anyone know that though, it was better to be joyful on the outside and keep all the sorrow inside.
Cyno would say he was poisoning himself, but he couldn’t care less as long as it was him.
„I didn’t drink much. You’re the one who comes here drunk out of your mind all the time.” Alhatiham’s irritated voice brought him back to reality. He concentrated on the conversation and tried to be calm and not let the other provoke him.
„Ugh, you-” He failed with keeping his annoyance inside him, but he quickly got a hold of himself. „Forget I asked, why should I care?” He said instead of bursting out at the other. He decided to drop the previous question as he wanted to get back to the topic he wanted to talk about in the first place. He wasn’t here to argue and he wasn’t here to babysit Alhaitham- he wouldn’t help the other with his hungover this time, he won’t be here to even witness him struggle.
And he was sure his cotenant would have a headache tomorrow. He could drink a lot and not be too drunk, but he had a tendency for feeling hungover the next day no matter the amount of alcohol he’s had.
Kaveh learnt a way to treat his headache’s ever since he had found out about that. He was always there to help him with them.
He rarely heard a ‘thank you’, he was being taken for granted, and „I didn’t ask for your help.” was what he usually got instead. So why should he care?
He knew he did care and he knew he would care no matter what though.
„Exactly. Just mind your own business, don’t you have work to do? So you can finally move out?” Alhaitham answered arrogantly, hitting the sensitive spot of Kaveh’s, knowing exactly that it will just make the argument escalate. He was too out of it to care, he didn’t even listen to half the things the other has said, too focused on trying to appear as sober as he could.
He didn’t need Kaveh to point out how he slurred some of the words or how he needed to lean against a wall to stand straight. He didn’t need his person to be analyzed by the other, he wasn’t in a mood to talk more than he had to. He just wanted to go to his room and fall asleep.
„The audacity?! You could at least acknowledge the things I do for you in return for living here!” Kaveh couldn’t control his emotions this time, Alhaitham was being so ridiculous and his words stung as always. He could be so cruel with what he said and he never apologised for that, he always dismissed it in an uncaring manner and it hurt.
Maybe he was sensitive, but Alhaitham was straight-up callous.
„Things you do? I definitely acknowledge the things you do not do- which is paying rent or paying for the resources of mine that you use.” He responded caustically, not minding how dismissive of the other’s actions it sounded. He didn’t owe anything to Kaveh, he didn’t ask him for anything and everything the other did was unnecessary and uncalled for, even if it was meant to be nice.
„You’re being unreasonable! You know damn well that I don’t have enough money yet!” Kaveh raised his voice, unable to control his emotions anymore. This situation was too much for him right now, Alhaitham went too far and made everything worse than it was. The talk was supposed to be about something else, but it went to the topic it usually did- money and his presence in this house. „I told you I will pay you back when I can!” He added, not giving the other a chance to win over him in this argument. They had an agreement and he wouldn’t be here if Alhaitham didn’t offer this solution in the first place.
Sure, he needed some place to live and when the other took him in he had nowhere to go, but if the current situation bothered him so much then why didn’t he kick him out? He could say all those hurtful things, and treat him like shit, but somehow that was crossing the line? Bullshit, he doubted that it would make Alhaitham feel any guilt- maybe back when they were friends, but not now.
„Which means when exactly? Because I can say that it won’t be soon.” The other bit back. He was getting really annoyed now. Kaveh always said a bunch of nonsense getting on his nerves constantly and yet he always fought as if he was in the right. „How long has it been since you moved in, huh?” He asked in a provoking manner knowing it would push the other to the edge.
„You-!” Kaveh started, wanting to respond pointing out all the gaps in the other’s thinking, but he got bluntly interrupted.
„Quiet, Kaveh.” Alhaitham said in a scathing voice. His head started to ache and he started hearing ringing in his ears. It was overwhelming and he hated the way Kaveh’s voice sounded right now, especially since his tone was raised and it scratched his brain in all the wrong ways. He shivered from the feeling.
„Don’t shush me after what you said! I have every right to be pissed!” Kaveh responded, his body shaking from the anger he felt. He hated feeling like this, he hated talks like this and all he wanted to do was go to his room and shut the door to stop the conversation. And maybe cry himself to sleep.
Alhaitham never failed to make him feel like he was a burden and that was the last thing he wanted to be, especially to the one he loved, but there was little he could do that he hasn’t done yet to change it. He didn’t have enough money as of the moment to pay the other back, but he hoped his acts of service were at least enough of a recompensation for now, but well, he was wrong. Alhaitham didn’t care for such things, he made it very clear throughout the years that they’ve lived together, but he didn’t really care for money either. His motives for always bringing that up were something Kaveh was unable to understand no matter how hard he thought about it.
Maybe Alhaitham just liked to make him feel like shit.
„You’re too loud. If you weren’t so sensitive you wouldn’t have ended up like that every single time we talk.” Alhaitham answered bluntly, once again bringing Kaveh’s ‘sensitivity’ into the argument. He did it every time and it made the other think whether that was something he said when he ran out of the insults he could use towards him. It hurt only because it hit close to home and he wondered if Alhaitham knew that.
„You call that talking?! You’re constantly insulting me-!” Kaveh raised his voice again, his mind being completely blown away at the term Alhaitham used to describe their current argument. ‘Talking’ definitely wasn’t what they were doing unless the other was so drunk that he was unable to recognize the tones of voice they both were using.
He had so much more to say about that statement, but he was once again interrupted by the other. He hated that habit of his, it made it clear he didn’t care what Kaveh was thinking, he didn’t want to hear him out.
There was one more thing about the way the other interrupted him.
Alhaitham never shouted, but maybe this time Kaveh crossed some line that he had set for himself. Maybe this time he was being more annoying than normally, maybe he fucked up again. Alhaitham never shouted so when this time he did, Kaveh felt scared.
„Stop!”
The sharp pain he felt caused by a dendro blade that was now stuck in a wall behind him stopped as soon as it started, adrenaline making his senses duller. There was a beat of silence, so ironically loud as he heard ringing in his ears, blood rushing in his veins a lot faster than before. „What the hell?” He whispered in shock not wanting to believe in what had just happened. Blood started dripping down his cheek from where he was cut by the blade.
„Damn you, Kaveh, you’re being too loud. Again.” Said Alhaitham, still standing with his left hand stretched towards Kaveh while he raised his right one to hold his head. He couldn’t stand the volume of the other’s voice anymore, his headache getting stronger and stronger throughout the argument. He needed Kaveh to stop talking, to shut up for once as he wanted some damn peace in his own house.
He hated coming back here when the other wasn’t occupied by work or sleeping because it always ended in quarrels between them. Their personalities clashed, they weren’t compatible and he didn’t know how they were once friends. He didn’t know how they made it work back then if they were the same as now. And if they changed then he had no idea why Kaveh still tried to come back to those times.
He was honest and the other was too vulnerable to his words of truth. Kaveh always got worked up so easily, he couldn’t control his emotions well and often raised his voice. Alhaitham couldn’t understand how a person can be so hot-headed and he hated that in the other as he was sensitive to loud sounds.
It made him not want to get involved with his cotenant at all.
„You’re drunk and still decided to draw your weapon at me?” Kaveh asked still in disbelief. It was so perfectly thrown it hurt because it meant Alhaitham did it on purpose, he cut him on purpose and he couldn’t understand how the other could do it to him.
Sure, they often sparred when their arguments got out of hand, but it always happened when they both had their weapons out- it was like a warning so the other one could prepare himself, but never when one of them was unarmed.
And Kaveh was unarmed right now, no information about the attack was given before it happened so he couldn’t have known.
There was silence again until Alhaitham decided to speak up. „You’re being dramatic again, I calculated it so stop whining.” He said unaffected by his actions or any of Kaveh’s words. It was as if he thought that nothing big happened, nothing serious nor important, just a casual thing between them.
But it wasn’t casual nor normal, it was an unhinged action that could’ve brung harm. ‘Calculated’ or not, it didn’t matter as it was still dangerous, especially since Alhaitham was drunk and in pain that was caused by his headache. It could’ve ended differently and he was only lucky that it didn’t, but even putting those things aside- it hurt Kaveh emotionally more than it did physically.
Was he not deserving of normal treatment? Was he not a human being in Alhaitham’s eyes? Did the other hate him so damn much that he was able to hurt him like that when he was unarmed and unprepared for any physical action toward him?
He got treated like an enemy, not even like a stranger.
For a second he thought he despised Alhaitham, but this feeling left just as quickly as it appeared.
„No fucking way, man.” Kaveh laughed from the adrenaline rush. He couldn’t think straight, his thoughts slipping out of his grasp when he tried to catch them and say something more. He felt manic, he felt so many things right now that he couldn’t even understand them, he felt insane. „You’re the crazy one.” He said opposing the thought he had a second before.
He was in the right here, he was the one being reasonable as of now.
„Says you? Seriously?” Alhaitham mocked him with a raised brow. He knew he was being mean right now, but if the other couldn’t take it he could just leave, he wasn’t the one who spoke to Kaveh first, it was the other way around. He didn’t want to talk at all, especially not for this long and not in the state he was in. Seriously, couldn’t Kaveh have chosen a better moment to bug him? He thought it was clear how uninterested in the other he was right now, but oh well, maybe his cotenant couldn’t read the room all that well after all.
Kaveh let this comment go past him and took a moment to calm himself down. He couldn’t care less about Alhaitham’s words at this point, not after what the other has done to him just a moment earlier. His actions have proven his words wrong better than Kaveh could’ve done himself so he just let the silence answer the other to his questions.
He took a deep breath, adrenaline slowly vanishing made the wound on his cheek sting, but he used that pain as a helper in grounding himself. He didn’t dwell on the situation right now, he could do it later and instead he focused on the intention he started the conversation with. He had an important thing to do and then he could be angry and scream or cry all he wanted, but first, he had to wrap things with Alhaitham up.
After all, the other wouldn’t really care about his leave, would he? So that would let him just go already and end this stupid argument that had nothing to do with the topic. He was tired of it, he was tired of talking and making valid arguments, he was tired of saying insults or honestly, saying anything at all at this point.
„I wanted to tell you something and I’ve waited for you to come back all evening, stressing over all the little things that I could think of. I wanted to talk like normal human beings for once, but you just had to fuck it up, huh? You just had to show me how much you despise me, how you can’t even stand me caring about you.” Kaveh said calmly, detaching himself from his words and almost dissociating. He just wanted to get over it, but he wasn’t going to leave without saying what he thought and felt. Not after what Alhaitham has done, not after he crossed the line. „You just had to show me how you can’t stand me, how you can’t even treat me like someone on your level.” He added coldly, just stating something that he now knew was a fact.
„Get to the point already, your words don’t affect me.” Alhaitham said in a disparaging manner, waving him off, not wanting to have any more of his time wasted- because that’s how he felt about this whole interaction. It was a waste of his precious time, something he wouldn’t get back, but he could’ve used it in a better way than arguing.
Kaveh wanted to slap him.
„That’s what I’m talking about! You treat me like I am below you and I am sick of it.” He said instead of getting physical, he knew better than that- and better than Alhaitham apparently. He said what he wanted to about the situation so he decided it was time to end the talk with what was supposed to be told in the very beginning- and would’ve been if Alhaitham wasn’t so damn blind to his feelings.
A second has passed, and Kaveh used the silence to calm himself down as he didn’t want to regret his words later- he wouldn’t see the other for a while after all. He collected his thoughts and spoke up.
„I am moving out, that’s what I wanted to tell you. I wanted to say goodbye before I leave.”
„You could’ve written a letter.” Alhaitham responded dismissively. ‘Moving out’ didn’t really seem to affect him, he was sure the other didn’t mean it as a long-term thing. Kaveh didn’t have money after all, he will come back to live in his house again eventually.
As for leaving- he often took up jobs that required him to go to the construction zone in person so it wasn’t anything that Alhaitham wasn’t used to. He thought of it as a rather good thing as he would have a few days of peace and silence in his own home, finally.
„I thought you would care more, but I see that I was so wrong about you.” Kaveh said, not even disappointed anymore- he had time to feel this way. Now he just felt sick, he felt as if he was suffocating and he just wanted to say goodbye, hear one back, and get out of this house as soon as possible.
This comment made Alhaitham realize that the other was in fact being very serious this time and it made him feel bad about his previous thoughts. Sure, silence was something he didn’t have when Kaveh was home and it was nice when the other was gone because of his work, but what if he really won’t come back? He never thought of it, he was so used to the other living here that it was hard to imagine him moving out even if he did often bring it up in arguments.
Alhaitham wanted to ask where he was going, he really did, but who was he to do that now, after this whole argument? After he acted hostile? He doubted Kaveh would tell him anyway- he probably would respond with ‘that’s none of your business’ just like he did every time, so he didn’t even bother proceeding with it.
But Kaveh wanted nothing more than for him to ask, to show he cared a little bit.
„Don’t let me stop you then.” Alhaitham said instead, moving out of the other’s way and walking toward the living room. He didn’t see any point in continuing the conversation, what was there more to say anyway? He felt conflicted but was too tired to dwell on the reason behind it.
Kaveh’s heart broke and if tears started falling down his cheeks, it wasn’t for Alhaitham to remember the next day.
„Fine.” He said trying not to sound like he was crying and after wiping his tears with his hands he made his way towards the main door. Alhaitham was now drinking water on the sofa, looking uninterested in the other.
Maybe it was for the better, maybe he didn’t notice Kaveh’s wet cheeks at all. If he did then he didn’t comment on it, „good” the blonde thought.
Most of Kaveh’s things were already on the way to Tighnari’s place, he just had to take Mehrak and he was ready to leave. He took one last look at Alhaitham and with his heart aching, he left his house without saying anything else.
He felt empty, he didn’t know what to do with himself after this talk. He regretted he didn’t just leave a letter, seriously, but he knew he would never be at peace if he did that. But was it really worse than feeling like complete shit? Was it worse than being crushed to the ground and left bleeding out on the floor? Because that’s exactly how he felt now.
Instead of starting his trip right away as he planned, he decided to sit under a tree a couple of minutes away from the city gates. Somewhere nobody would see him break down since it was almost late at night.
„It hurts. It hurts so much.” He cried letting his usual smile drop and vanish. He was alone, he could drown in his sadness outside the walls of his the room Alhaitham gave him for once. Nobody would know anyway and as he felt the cold breeze hit his body, the moon starting its journey through the sky, he let his mind tell him that nobody even cared. He felt like he was the only person in this cruel world, like he was alone with his pain and there was nobody for him.
Tighnari had Cyno and Cyno had Tighnari, Alhaitham didn’t need anyone and here he was, his heart longing for the other to hug him right now. That was what he needed and wanted so desperately even after what happened today. The warmth of the other’s body that he never got to experience but imagined every single day.
Why did he need him so much? He would do anything to make him happy, but everything he did always ended up in them arguing.
He just wanted to be happy, but for that he needed Alhaitham to be happy. Why was love so cruel?
„And none of us even said a goodbye.”