Chapter Text
Astrid awoke to the sun shining on her face. She turned away from the glare, and was startled to find another warm body beside her. Hiccup. He was so warm and steady, she could stay beside him forever. One night didn’t seem enough to spend in his arms, especially when they got to sleep so late last night-
Last night. His arms, in thankfully unstained bandages.
Oh. So she had to talk about that, huh?
“ Mmmh, Hiccup? Are you awake?”
He didn’t stir for a moment, and Astrid couldn’t hold in the pang of terror. But then, he slowly rolled onto his other side so he was facing her. “Yeah, yeah, I’m up.” He gave her a dozy smile, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. “Sleep well?”
“Yeah.” Astrid took a moment to think. It had been really nice to have someone beside her, curled into their body. She was a warm sleeper, but by herself it felt sticky and uncomfortable. With Hiccup, especially in the cold winter months, it was pleasantly toasty. “Yeah, I slept pretty well. You?”
“Good thanks.” He wrapped his arms around her torso once again. “Five more minutes before we get up?”
In spite of everything else, the offer was too tempting to resist, and they held each other, for far longer than five minutes, until the sun’s glare on Astrid’s face became annoying, and she decided to finally wrangle herself out of bed. Hiccup groaned, but followed.
“So... how are you feeling?” Hiccup asked, turning away to get changed. Astrid caught a glimpse of his back in the mirror, hard muscles and scars, and blushed, ducking her head so he didn’t see it.
“Um... well, I’d actually like to talk to you about-”
“Not that.” Hiccup turned back towards her. “You know...” His face was tinted with a blush of his own. Oh .
“Yeah. I’m glad I said I love you,” Astrid said, unsure of where he was going with this.
“Oh thank Thor, I really thought it was going to be awkward because I had no clue how to react, and I’m sorry about that, and you’d stop lov- or you’d hate me or something, and it would be awkward ‘cause our schedules mix so much now and-”
“Hiccup. We need to talk. Not about that, but... you know what.”
He stopped rambling. “Yeah. I guess we do.”
“I’m not saying now. I’m saying some time in the ideally foreseeable future, we need to have a... discussion.”
“Yeah.” Hiccup turned back to folding his washing.
“Hiccup, I don’t want you to suffer in silence.” Astrid pressed a hand to her heart. “I really, really care about you.”
“No shit, huh?” He chuckled dryly.
“Hiccup, please take this seriously! You’re not ok, you haven’t been for a while, and instead of acknowledging it you’re making jokes ?” Astrid snapped, her voice raised. Hiccup gazed up at her with eyes reminiscent of a kicked puppy.
Astrid slapped herself on the head. “Oh Gods, I’m so sorry. It’s not you, I swear,” she didn’t have the heart to tell him it was him a little bit. “I just worry a lot, you know how I am. And I just want you to be ok.”
“Me too,” he said without a trace of even attempted humour in his tone. “Alrighty.” He slapped his knees with his palms and stood up. “Whenever you’re ready to talk, I’ll talk ok?”
“Sure.”
“On one condition,” he added.
“Hiccup, don’t make me swear to confidentiality, you know I can’t make that kind of promise,” Astrid said, quelling the desperate tears in her throat.
“No, it’s not that. I- it’s-” he let out a pained sigh. “Don’t tell any of what I tell you to Dagur or Heather.” He paused, releasing that left her with very few options. Fishlegs, Ruff and Tuff didn’t even know about his... problems. And none, save for Fishlegs, were the kind to sit down for deep, emotional conversations together. Snotlout, Ruff and Tuff could be surprisingly sensible, but he wasn’t sure if Astrid would trust any of them with something as serious as this. “I’ll try to keep it brief. But don’t go into detail on the bad stuff. I don’t want them worrying.”
“They’re already worried as hell,” Astrid said without meaning to. Hiccup flinched like the words punched him in the shoulder.
“Ah. Right.” Tension filled the room, thickening the air.
“Shall I get Dagur to check on your bandages? And how do you feel about breakfast?”
“Breakfast sounds good.”
.o0o.
Astrid winced as the damp bandages were peeled away under Dagur’s gentle hands. It was worse than she thought: the wounds were still fresh and raw, though they had stopped bleeding.
Hiccup’s head turned towards them; Dagur pushed it back with a gentle motion of his hand. “It’s easier if you don’t look.”
“Okay.” His voice was husky and raw with sadness.
Dagur peeled the bandages off, put them in a plastic bag, and threw the mess into the bin. He took an antiseptic wipe from the kit -meticulously organised by who Astrid assumed was Heather- and began dabbing at the skin around the cuts. His skin was bloodstained with occasional patches of red. Dagur wiped them clean enough, and wrapped them with a layer of fresh bandage.
The hospital would do them better, if he could stomach it.
“I’m sorry you have to see this,” Hiccup said sadly. Without thinking, Astrid silenced his lips with a kiss. It was brief, a moment that could be easily snatched away from the grand scope of time. Hiccup pulled away, his face flushing. Astrid bit her lip, trying not to think about how much they tingled against Hiccup’s.
A part of her wanted to believe last night was just as a result of high emotions -from both ends- and her little confession would go unnoticed. The second kiss wasn’t supposed to be romantic; something told her neither of them could handle a romantic relationship in their current mental states. She wasn’t even sure what she was thinking -a gesture of ‘it’s ok, don’t worry, I could never be mad at you’ . But did he actually take it that way?
“Other arm,” Dagur commanded, his voice quiet. He swapped them over. The skin underneath was much like the first, and he repeated the process. Astrid noticed fainter cuts underneath the open ones, all from a creamy white to a spectrum of pink.
Just how long has this been going on for?
“All done,” Dagur said, patted Hiccup on the shoulder, and left without another word. Astrid’s fingers trailed down Hiccup’s shoulders, gentler than a butterfly’s wings on her boyfriend’s skin. Her hands rested on top of his.
“Do you feel up to breakfast?” He hesitated, then nodded. “If I go downstairs to make breakfast, will you promise to... not do anything bad?”
Hiccup didn’t make eye contact; if this wasn’t usual for him, she’d think he was lying. But he mumbled a quiet “okay” and she hugged him, brief and firm, and left.
Downstairs, Heather, Dagur and Snotlout all lay sprawled across the two sofas, two empty beer cans discarded on the floor. Heather was the only one trying to be productive, toasting bread and making the other two at least drink some water.
Astrid knocked, and entered. “Hiccup’s ok. I’m leaving him to get dressed while I make breakfast for a few minutes.” Heather opened her mouth, but Astrid shot her down. “I know, I know. But I trust him. And he swore he wouldn’t hurt himself while I was gone.” The room fell silent.
Finally, Dagur spoke. “Three years. I’ve known that kid for three years. And I still didn’t notice something was wrong.” His voice was more hushed and solemn than Astrid had ever heard it. It broke her heart a little bit more.
“We all didn’t notice,” Astrid consoled them. “Look, Hiccup’s, well, Hiccup, and sometimes, he does things not even he can explain. His mind’s amazing, but it’s also causing him a lot of problems right now, and he kept trying to hide it.”
Her mind flashed to the day at the cat rescue centre. How he had scrambled to get his jumper on, how he acted very standoffish, like Astrid was more of an inconvenience than pleasant company. Of course, given the context of last night, that all made a lot more sense now. Astrid would be lying if she said his actions still didn’t hurt, but at least she knew it wasn’t her fault.
“Thor's sake, Dagur called me at ten pm last night. I was just at Fishlegs’ place.” Snotlout’s expression had guilt all over it. “If I wasn’t there, and- I… I'm sorry I wasn't.”
“None of that, cuz. Don't blame yourself,” Heather said, her face unreadable. “We all didn’t know.”
“Heather’s right,” Astrid said softly. “Now get off your lazy arses and make Hiccup and I some cereal. Two Weetabix each with honey.” She began to stride up the stairs, then stopped. “Make sure Hiccup’s is microwaved. Oh, and almond, not dairy milk.”
She found him sitting cross legged, a book in his hand. Paper Towns , by John Greene.
“That one’s my favourite,” Astrid said, leaning in the doorway. “I like the plot.”
“Come sit, we can read it together.” Hiccup patted the space beside him. Astrid sat, leaning on his shoulder. The words were slanted and she had to read slightly slower than him to make up for it, but she wouldn’t change it for the world. It was worth it to be with him.
Sometime later that day, Dagur would come into their room, and announce in a quiet voice that his appointment was soon. Sometime even later, Hiccup would sit in a quiet room with his eyes screwed shut against the blinding strip lights that flickered slightly, while someone unwrapped, cleaned, and bandaged his arms. Sometime even more later, they would go back home, and sit quietly with mugs of tea, while Dagur read through hundreds of recommended websites for supporting loved ones with mental illness, and calling hundreds of therapists and booking appointments until he found one who was free. Sometime even further in the future, they would order takeout and sit on the couch in front of whatever was on TV that no one was watching. Sometime unthinkably far in the future, today would be a distant memory of worse times they would all heal from.
But that was later. And they were content to take things one day at a time.