Chapter Text
What now?
Makoto was, at her core, driven by logic. She didn’t let her emotions drag her into situations she would later regret, or force her into making decisions without considering the consequences. This became a problem when it came to things like love, something so emotion driven that it was almost impossible to apply logic to. Faced with the possibility of her and Ren becoming a couple again, she tried desperately to think about it logically, to force her emotions aside and ask the questions she needed answers to. How much had truly changed in a year? They say that trying the same thing multiple times and expecting a different outcome is the definition of insanity.
Was it insane of them to try again?
The walk back to their room wasn’t silent, but it wasn’t significant either. They spent almost all of it talking about the rain and complaining about how soaked their clothes were, some of it talking about Ann and Ryuji, but none of it talking about them . It was something that they needed to be comfortable for, and ideally it shouldn’t take place in public, so they were both waiting to get into their room to talk about what their emotions had let them say. Though she was talking about the uncomfortable weight of the water on her clothes, she was thinking about how to navigate the subject once they got back to their room.
“You can shower first, if you’d like,” Ren said as he let her into their room. “I don’t mind waiting. I should talk to Morgana, anyway.”
She looked back at him with an unsure expression, and he nodded at her to restate his point. There was no point in insisting that he go first, and she didn't feel like wasting time going back and forth, so she grabbed a change of clothes and went into the bathroom.
It would be a good opportunity for reflection, anyway.
Though she walked in the shower completely unsure of what to say, she at least appreciated the lack of weight on her back now that her wet clothes were drying. The water from the shower also washed off the rest of the stress as she took many deep breaths and thought about everything logically. Questions swam around in her head, but Makoto ignored them and tried to chart a path through the chaos in her thoughts. No, getting together was not as easy as almost kissing under the rain—they still had a past in which they hurt each other and they needed to figure out how that would affect their future. As tempting as it was to let her feelings drive her right back into his arms, she didn't want to be caught out in the rain due to her desperation. This had to be as logical as possible.
Once she was done (and once she had dried herself thoroughly) she put on the comfortable clothes she had brought and left the bathroom. Ren looked up from his phone when she did, and they silently changed places. She sat on the bed, realising that Morgana was gone (probably at Ren's request) and waited for Ren to come back. Since she needed to dry her hair, she used the sound of the hair dryer to block out the illogical thoughts that bled into her charted path. Makoto knew exactly what she wanted to say, and she wasn't going to change her mind.
Having had enough reflection in the shower for one holiday, Ren decided to shower quickly.
He had done enough thinking, doubting and second-guessing for the past few days—no, for the last year . It was time to act, to talk about what he wanted, and to figure out exactly where he and Makoto were going. No relationship would be fixed by simply touching foreheads in the rain, but it could be fixed through conversation, and that’s exactly what he hoped would happen when he walked out of the bathroom, ready to talk.
Makoto was sitting at the edge of the bed, tense as if waiting for something to happen. Time stood still as she watched him sit down next to her, leaving a decent amount of space, and he watched her watch him. There was determination in her eyes, which told him that she’d thought over exactly what she wanted to say and how she wanted to say it, so he waited for her to speak.
“If we’re really going to do…this,” she said, gesturing at the gap between them. “We need to think about what has really changed in the past year.”
“I agree.”
“I mean, if we’re going to end up in the same place a year down the line, I don’t think this is worth it.” She must have seen his expression drop, because she quickly added. “Not that I don’t want to do this! I do, I just-... we hurt each other, Ren. I don’t want to go through…losing you again.”
He wasn’t going to lose Makoto again. “I don’t want to lose you either,” he said, shuffling slightly closer. Makoto didn’t seem to mind. “What do we need to do to make this possible?”
She shuffled closer too, but there was still the slightest gap between them. “We need to talk about what happened last year.”
“Like I said last night, I think it was just a matter of both of us having other priorities.” Neither of them put in enough effort towards the end of their relationship. They both knew this. “Towards the end of our relationship, we just…fizzled out, I guess.”
“And how can we be sure it won’t happen again?” Makoto asked, her tone bordering on scared. “We’re still studying, we’re still not in the same city- how can we guarantee that we’ll be on each others’ list of priorities?”
Ren paused. It was a good question—she was basically asking him how to prevent history from repeating itself, which was the point of this whole conversation. But love is illogical, and Ren knew this. There was no way to guarantee it would still be there tomorrow.
The only thing they could do was choose each other, over and over, until it became second nature.
“We can’t,” Ren sighed, moving closer once again. They were now shoulder to shoulder. “But we can promise to choose each other today, tomorrow, the day after that, and for as long as we want to.”
Makoto seemed alarmed by this answer. “But- Ren, but what if-”
“I know,” he interrupted. His hand moved to her shoulder subconsciously, trying to comfort her. “But that’s… unfortunately how this whole love thing goes. There’s no guarantees. Just promises and hoping it works out.”
Makoto sighed, her gaze dropping to her lap. She was thinking it over, and he could only dream of knowing where the cogs in her brain were directing her train of thought.
“Hey,” he nudged her and gave her a soft smile, prompting her to look back up at him. “At least we aren’t teenagers anymore. That has to count for something, right?”
That managed to get a smile out of her. “You’re still 19.”
“Hey- I turn 20 this year!” Ren protested as Makoto giggled at his over-the-top response. “But…seriously, I think the fact that we’re not in high school anymore has to mean that things have changed since last year, right?”
“I suppose it does,” she replied, but she still seemed unsure. “But I still…”
Makoto trailed off into a small ‘I don’t know’ and lay her head on his shoulder. He took that as permission to hold her to reassure her, but he could still hear the cogs turning in her head. How could he make her trust that they could work, even if they hadn’t before?
“...I do want this, Ren. I want us to…” she paused to gulp as if afraid of the words she said next. “...Get back together. I want us to work so badly, I’m just…scared that it won’t work.”
Ren gently moved her off his shoulder and looked at her, determination in his eyes. He could see it in her expression, too, though it was masked by the fear.
“I want us to work, too. So I promise you I will do everything in my power to make us work. I’ll choose to love you every day—though, I’ll be honest, I’ve hardly been given any choice.”
His words had the desired effect—though she was blushing, he had coaxed the determination out of her and could finally see it in her eyes again. With a small grin, she put their foreheads together, like she had a few minutes earlier at the beach.
“I haven’t been given much choice either,” she whispered with a surge of confidence. “But even if I had been given a choice, I know I would choose you. Like you said—today, tomorrow, and however many days after that. That’s how I can guarantee that we’ll work: if we just keep choosing each other, like you said.”
Ren inhaled as if physically taking in her words, like hearing them wasn’t enough. He’d done it, he thought, he almost had her back. “So…”
“Hm?”
“Are we doing this?”
Her grin turned into a smirk - she was sure of herself now. Makoto moved closer to his face, their lips almost touching, before she whispered,
“Yes, we are.”
Since he’d been waiting a year for this, he closed the gap between their lips and kissed her like he needed it.
Her words, her affirmation, kept repeating itself in his head as if to assert itself. He had to believe it - yes, they were doing this, and if her words weren’t enough to make that obvious, her hand on his cheek as they kissed should’ve been more than enough. It was like he’d finally found what he was missing for the past year, the ache he had been ignoring since she left.
Ren happily let her stitch her name onto his heart herself. It belonged to her, after all.
It was a quick kiss, a gesture to affirm that they were a couple again. They would have to work their way back up to full trust in each other, but Ren didn’t mind waiting. Both of them were silent at first, their eyes still closed, but eventually they both started giggling and fell into each others’ arms in excitement. Since she said yes, Ren had realised that they were together about three times, and each one was just as exhilarating as the last. He was sure that she felt the same.
Until she suddenly pulled away from him. “What time is it?”
Although confused, he answered her “Almost seven. Why?”
“Isn’t that when we agreed to go to dinner with the others?”
Ren felt his face drop. “It…may have been, yes- but!” He stopped her from getting up and rushing out. “I am known for being late-”
“But I’m not, so-” she stood up and grabbed her stuff in a hurry. “Come on!”
He chuckled at her. He’d missed this . “Yes, ma’am.” Though she glared daggers at him, he didn’t take it back.
Once he was ready (in only a few minutes) he walked out with her and offered his hand. Makoto gladly took it with a small giggle.
“Do you think this will get a bigger reaction than Ryuji and Ann?” He asked her as they walked down the corridor.
“Well, it isn’t a competition,” she answered, but he nudged her and got a grin out of her. “But…yes, I think so.”
“At least we can go on double dates now.”
“God, finally. I can’t believe it took them this long.”
He marvelled at her as she laughed, wondering how he went so long without seeing her smile like that. “Makoto?”
“Yes?”
“I love you.”
She stopped walking and stared at him until the shock wore away. “God, Ren- I love you too.”
“I know.”
“Yeah, yeah.”
And they would have this exchange of words when they got back from dinner, the morning after, during the day, before they left the hotel, and every other time they got the chance to talk. They were both determined to be each others’ priorities, among their friends and studies, and they wouldn’t go through a repeat of last time. Ren would make sure of it, as would Makoto.
If they want it enough, they can make it work