Chapter Text
SPLAT!
.
.
.
At least, that is what Gem had expected to hear before everything went black. She had expected a millisecond of agony, of broken bones and bruised skin before she was greeted by the sweet release of death.
For better or for worse, that is not what happened. Instead, something shot through the air, knocking her sideways and preventing her death. When they landed, there were no broken bones. She was held within the arms of another, a shield of red wrapped around them both. Whoever had nullified her suicide attempt was running, assumingly to get them out of the public eye.
Gem’s ears were ringing and her senses felt otherwise dull. Was she even alive? She didn’t feel alive, but she couldn’t be dead either, right? Dead people didn’t think. Or maybe they did? Contemplating the question hurt too bad, so she allowed herself to push it all away. She allowed herself to take in the comfort and warmth from the one holding her. She allowed herself to ignore everything, or, at least, try to ignore everything.
Gem ignored the inhuman speed they were moving at. Gem ignored the insane jumping capability and leaps across distances that most wouldn’t be capable of. Gem ignored the foreign tears that dropped onto her from the person above. She was too numb for any of it, exhausted from existing, exhausted from being.
I’m just so tired.
Please.
Please let it end.
Next thing Gem knew, they stopped moving. Still she didn’t move and she didn’t dare look where she was being taken. The faint sound of a window creaking open reached her eardrums, but she didn’t question it. She couldn’t find herself caring. Nothing mattered.
The person squeezed her tightly, like one would when giving someone a hug, before setting her down on what felt like a couch. It was familiar, but, again, Gem didn’t question it.…
This wasn’t the afterlife, was it?
Curtains were drawn closed, the dim light that came in from the window being taken away. The room was mostly pitch black until someone (something?) flicked on a lamp, flooding the area enough to spot each wall and see where one was walking.
“Why did you do that?” A voice demanded, rough, pained, and almost out of breath. “Gem, you need to tell someone if you’re thinking like that! I thought- you said you were getting better! You said you were okay to be alone for a little bit, while we- and you- Gem, do you know how scared I was? How deep dread and terror dug into my gut? I almost didn’t make it to you in time! Even being able to track you and with my enhanced abilities, I only barely stopped your- your-! Oh, Gem, I can’t even wrap my head around this. Around what could have- what almost… dammit Gem! Had it been during the day, I would never get to see you alive again! Never get the chance to see you smile or hear your laugh! Fucking hell, Gem, how do I even? I would have to tell my best friend that his sister is dead!”
The pure hopelessness and fear in their voice dragged Gem fully back into the real world, reality setting in as she realized what exactly occurred and what the repercussions would be if she had succeeded. She gasped sharply, heart squeezing as she covered her face with her hands. “I- I’m so sorry, Pearl! I… I wasn’t thinking straight, and I was so overwhelmed, and I- fuck. I just… my brain ordered me to do it, and I- that’s probably not a good excuse, but-”
Look at you go, Gem. You fucked it up even more. Some “good person” you are.
Gem’s voice caught in her throat, preventing any other words from blabbering out. She moved her hands down to her mouth, biting harshly on them. She made quick work of it, causing multiple teeth-shaped indents all over her palms and fingers, and even breaking skin in some places. They would sting later, especially when she washed her hands, but it was fine, she deserved it.
Pearl’s hands wrapped around her wrists, tugging her hands away from her mouth and restricting her movement. “Gem, please don’t hurt yourself like that. I… I shouldn’t have started yelling. That wasn’t fair, especially if you’re in a bad enough state to- oh, Gem. How do I even-? I was- I am- I was just stressed and, and scared-”
Gem hated herself for being the reason Pearl sounded so small, so shattered. It was like Gem had turned Pearl into glass and then used her as a hockey puck. Gem tried to tell Pearl she was sorry again, but she couldn’t form words no matter how many times she opened her mouth and strained her vocal cords. All that came out was pathetic whimpering and strangled sobs.
Instead of saying any words, Pearl encircled Gem with her arms and cape once more, their bodies pressed flush together. In any other circumstance, Gem would be ecstatic at the contact and be a blushing mess. Unfortunately, the splotchy red on her face was not a bashful blush from a silly, stupid crush.
Tilly whimpered from behind the bedroom door, scratching at the wood to try and get into the living room. After a few heartbeats, the door was pushed open, Tilly somehow figuring out how to get the knob turned. She was a rather smart dog, able to find a solution to a lot of things when she tried. There was a reason Scarlet Moon would take Tilly out “villain-ing” with her sometimes for enrichment.
Now free, Tilly darted to Gem and Pearl’s side, rubbing her body against them before licking any and all of Gem and Pearl’s exposed skin that she could find. It was her way to try and soothe them, and Gem could only think fondly of her efforts.
Gem reached out with a shaky hand to scratch Tilly behind her ears, as if to reward her for being sweet. Oh, Tilly… How could she have possibly left Tilly behind like she almost did? Tilly would be so sad…
So would everyone else…
She was unsure how long they stayed like that, a messy pile on the couch, but Pearl eventually broke the silence. “Let’s get to an actual bed, okay? You will be sleeping next to me so I can help you if you need it, and Tilly will let me know if you try to leave, won’t you girl?”
Tilly barked as if in confirmation. For all Gem knew, Tilly knew exactly what Pearl’s orders were and planned on following them.
“Okay,” Gem whispered faintly, not bothering putting up a fight. After what was an almost-fatal suicide attempt, Gem knew she had no right to deny such comforts. Not only would Gem benefit from the physical contact of a trusted person, Pearl would probably be better off knowing that Gem will be safe as they sleep.
Look what you did! You worried Pearl sick; she’s still shaking!
Pearl took in a sharp breath, followed promptly by a shaky breath out. She was attempting to calm herself down, that much was clear. Pearl slowly rose to her feet, allowing Gem to get a good look at her. She was still in her Scarlet Moon outfit, much more covered and dark compared to Scott’s light blue Starflower outfit. Her iconic blood red cape was still draped over her shoulders, but the hood was down, and her fancy moon-themed mask had been discarded somewhere. The clothing underneath was pure black, and so was the underneath of the red cape for her to invert it if ever needing to (not literally, unlike Shadowlady) slip into the shadows.
Scarlet Moon often specialized in stealth and spy missions, sneaking around and gathering intel on whatever they desired. Galaxy Duo in general tended to have a lot of connections around the city, and were well-respected and feared among the villains and others. Pearl joked that she had the tendency of being quite a nosy person, so the role came natural to her.
Pearl extended her hand to Gem, a silent offer for her to take it. Gem did, allowing Pearl to help her up. Once to her feet, they kept their fingers entwined with one another, neither letting go. Tilly rubbed against Gem’s feet, subtly nudging her to Pearl’s bedroom.
No other words were shared between them as they entered Pearl’s room. Gem climbed into bed, snuggling under the sheets as Tilly jumped up to lay with them. Pearl removed her cloak and her shoes after shutting the closet door. Once stripped down to only her base layer of clothing, she crawled into bed besides Gem.
Gem bit down on her inner lip harshly, keeping her eyes squeezed shut. She was feeling far too many things that it was overwhelming her. Gem was mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted, so exhausted that even visual stimulus was too much of a drain. As soon as her head hit the pillow, she could feel herself slipping into unconsciousness. Before she fully gave herself into it, she felt Pearl’s (rather toned) arms wrap around her, holding Gem to her chest like she was a child’s stuffed teddy bear… or stuffed deer, in this case.
Her lips twitched up into what could barely count as a smile at the thought, despite its silly nature. The tension and hurricane raging within her didn’t dissipate, but it let up slightly… war was raging all around her and within her, but, being in Pearl’s arms with Tilly at her feet, she knew she would be okay. At least for now…
.
.
.
Gem slept a dreamless sleep, lulled by the comforting warmth of another body. She wasn’t sure how long she had rested, but, even if it was only an hour, it was the best hour of her life.
Unfortunately, it all came to an end when the door to Pearl’s bedroom slammed open, accompanied by a frenzied scream. “Gem!”
Both Gem, Pearl, and Tilly startled from sleep at the call for her, abruptly awoken. Gem rubbed at her eyes as she pushed herself upright, blinking a few times to look at those who entered.
Scott was staring at her, face creased with anxiety and his body lagging behind. Various flowers known for their calming effects grew from his arms, continuously blooming and then snapping off, falling on the floor. That in itself was worrying, for Scott almost never lost the flowers unless he chose to remove them.
“It’s way too early to be portaling,” Tango murmured, clearly disoriented and unsure what was going on. He was only half dressed, wearing an oversized hoodie and what Gem guessed were boxes, but the hoodie was oversized on him so Gem wasn’t sure. It was clear that he just woke up. Scott must have dragged him out of bed and teleported them to Scott and Pearl’s apartment as soon as he heard of what happened last night.
Scott’s shoulders sagged as he blinked away his tears, gaze focused on Gem.. Whatever spell that had froze him in place broke and he darted forward to tackle-hug her. Shame buried within Gem’s very soul as she recalled the night before, only growing as she realized what Pearl must have told Scott before she fell asleep. No wonder Scott acted as he did! What awful news to wake up to…
I almost made the news so much worse… what kind of sister am I?
Gem’s suspicion was only confirmed when Pearl spoke next, though it was muffled along with her yawn. “I see you got my text.”
“What text?” Tango furrowed his eyebrows, settling down on the floor and petting Tilly, who happily lolled out her tongue at the affection.
Gem buried her face into Scott’s chest, almost to the point of suffocation. The thoughts from the day before were crawling back with a vengeance and she hated it. I can’t even kill myself correctly.
Scott muttered soft comforts and soothing words, making her feel simultaneously better and worse. He ran his fingers through her hair, combing out some of the knots that she must have created yesterday. Gem didn’t comprehend every word in its entirety, but she registered plenty of apologies, promises to help her get better, and regret for leaving her alone. She didn’t really pick up on what Pearl and Tango were discussing, but she assumed Pearl was filling Tango in on what happened.
“It’s not your fault, Scott.” Gem sniffed in, trying to keep her breathing steady. Her heart beat violently and the tears came back, but she tried to keep herself under control. Her head was still pounding from the night before and her limbs were all lethargic. “It’s mine… I… I shouldn’t have… I just… I’m sorry. I- I-”
“We’ll schedule you an emergency appointment with your therapist,” Scott promised, ignoring her apologies and self-blame. “And anything you need, let me know. I shouldn’t have left you alone. I know you insisted, but I should know better. I got like this before too, especially so recently after escaping. I should have known, that was on me, I just-”
“Scott,” Tango interrupted, peeling his boyfriend off of Gem. “Everyone knows you’ve done absolutely everything you can do for her. Anyone even paying a speck of attention could see that! Don’t blame yourself.”
“But, Tango-” Scott tried to protest, obviously distressed. He looked as if he were carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders.
“No,” Pearl refused firmly, cutting in for Tango. Gem noticed her trying to suppress the way her bottom lip trembled in an attempt to hold herself together. “Emotions are high for everyone and we’re all struggling. This is hard on all of us, but wallowing won’t fix anything. The best we can do is lean on each other for support and do our best to heal. Got it?”
They exchanged glances before slowly nodding in agreement. Pearl breathed out and closed her eyes for only a moment. It was clear she was trying to be strong for all of them, likely having done it for Scott many times before. She was so admirable… how could Gem live up to that standard? “Good. Now let’s eat, okay? I’m hungry.”
Gem stayed right where she was, hugging her arms to her chest. She ducked her head and admitted, “I’m probably just going to throw it up. I… I’ve been trying to hide it, but I struggle to keep food down, struggle to eat… I know I shouldn’t, and I know that you’ve been trying to help me gain weight for health reasons and so I can start estrogen, and I have gained some, but I know it’s not enough… not healthy, either, and… and it could turn me into that thing again if it gets bad enough, and the nutrients they give me help, but I don’t… I don’t know how…”
She kept her gaze glued toward the floor, not wanting to see their disappointed expressions. They're probably mad at me… they’re probably enraged I didn’t tell them… maybe they wish Pearl would have let me die. I would deserve it.
A gentle hand grabbed her chin and guided her head up. Scott was the hand’s owner, smiling weakly down at her. He had mellowed considerably, but if it was Tango, or Pearl, or even the help of the flowers, she didn’t know. “Thank you for telling us. I’ll make an appointment to try and get you medication to help with the involuntary purging symptoms, and anything else you’ve noticed. I’ll be able to go with you too, don’t worry. We will get through this, Gem. Together.”
The genuine hope in those words were enough to break Gem, furthermore if she allowed herself to acknowledge Scott’s unearned belief in her. She shot up to her feet and jumped onto him, legs wrapping around his waist and arms resting on his shoulders. “I love you, Scott. I love you so much.”
Scott managed to stay standing and keep them stable, putting a hand on Gem’s low back and the other at the base of her skull. He pressed part of his face against her shoulder and responded, “I love you too.”
Pearl and Tango allowed them to have their moment for several minutes, breaking it when Pearl rested a hand on Scott’s shoulder. “Scott? Can I have a moment to talk to Gem? It won’t be long and then we’ll come out for breakfast.”
Scott studied Pearl’s expression for a moment before nodding slowly and setting Gem down. “Tango and I’ll get started on the food.”
“Thank you.” Pearl dipped her head, appreciative.
Tango had gathered Scott’s discarded flowers in a small waste bin that had been in the room, making himself useful and giving himself a task before he went stir-crazy from awkwardly staying in one place. He held the bin with one hand, the flowers almost overflowing out the top. Tango used his other hand to hold Scott’s, gently leading him toward the kitchen as Tilly pattered after them. “Let’s see what you have in the pantry, starlight.”
“I think there’s sausage patties in the fridge over here,” Scott responded, his voice growing more distant-sounding between the closing of the door and them physically creating space between them. “We may even have supplies for french toast. Would you want some of that, firebug?”
Gem didn’t hear Tango’s response, but her stomach personally liked the idea of french toast. Speaking of her stomach, it grumbled, angry at how empty it was. Apparently self-hatred and self-deprecating thoughts were not the best substance for a hungry body.
“Are you mad at me?” Gem inquired hesitantly, peering up at Pearl through her eyelashes. She had sat back down on the bed after Scott let go of her, too weak to stand for extended periods of time. Plus, she was physically exhausted from running so far the night before, and her feet ached.
“No,” Pearl denied with a shake of her head. She walked around to Gem’s side of the bed, sitting down next to her. “No, Gem. I’m not mad at you.”
“Then,” Gem tried to keep herself from stuttering, “then why do you, uh, why do you want to talk?”
“You told me that you are in love with me,” Pearl reminded her, though Gem didn’t detect scorn, malice, or belittlement. It was just Pearl stating a fact, nothing more.
“I’m sorry,” Gem apologized anyway, burying her face into her hands. She wanted nothing more than to melt into the ground at that very moment. Her deer-like ears flattened against her white-speckled ginger hair. “I shouldn’t have done that, especially not then. It was unfair and-”
“Gem, it’s okay, I swear,” Pearl promised, placing a hand on Gem’s thigh as if on instinct. When she realized what she did, a light blush flushed her face and she pulled away. “At this point in our relationship, you should know that I care deeply about you and that I want to help.”
“But?” Gem knew there must be more, and she was right.
“But, there is only so much I can handle before my own mental health can’t take it anymore,” Pearl continued, followed by a few clicks of her tongue and avoidance of eye contact. She forced herself to regain it, though, to punctuate the seriousness of this conversation. “This doesn’t mean I hate you, though, I, hm. I… I think I love you too. I love you more than simply a friend, and I want us to work, but I don’t think dating is a wise idea for us right now- for you. I need you to focus on yourself and your health first, without worrying about me. Does that make sense?”
Gem couldn’t help but be disappointed, the flash of hope she gained quickly squished out. She could understand Pearl’s reasoning, and she wasn’t upset with her because of it, but it did hurt more than she thought it would. Wow, who would have thought being rejected would hurt this much?
Pearl scrunched her nose at Gem’s heartbroken expression, carefully taking Gem’s hands in hers. “I’ll ask you out properly when we’re both doing better, okay? If you still want me then, that is. Either way, even if you say ‘no’ down the road, I want to stay your friend and I will still help where I can. You can’t get rid of me that easily.”
A whirlpool of emotions flooded her senses, hope for the future and their relationship at the forefront of it all. Gem couldn’t help but grin a bittersweet grin as she squeezed Pearl’s hands. “I would wait forever for you. I’ll get better for you.”
Pearl tsked in disagreement, promptly correcting her, “No, Gem-Gem. Get better for yourself, okay? Get better because you want to. Your worth should not and is not tied to me, or Scott, or anyone else. Do you understand?”
Her advice was sound, and, frankly, was vaguely similar to something Grian had probably told her countless times. Sometimes, it took several times hearing the same message for it to sink in fully. “I understand.”
“Lovely. Glad we’re in agreement.” Pearl seemed much more relaxed now, mirroring Gem’s grin. She let go of Gem, and stretched her arms up and out to wake herself up a tad more. “Now let’s go see what the boys are making for breakfast.”
“I heard something about sausage and french toast from them,” Gem offered, following Pearl as she started to lead them towards the kitchen.
“Ooo! Yes!” Pearl cheered, making Gem hope even more that she was correct. “If they haven’t already, I’m going to grab the powdered sugar. I love putting powdered sugar on my french toast.”
Maybe it really will be okay.
No one knew what the future would hold, but that was okay. As long as she kept trying, kept working at it, things would get better. Hell, they’ve already gotten better. Gem never thought she would leave Elsana Ark, and now she was going to have breakfast with people she cared about, with people who cared about her, no longer subject to the whims of another.
She wasn’t a monster, she wasn’t Goddess Fawn, and she wasn’t The Boogey… with time, that knowledge will come more easily. With time, she will accept that truth and she will learn what it means to be human, to be Gem… the Gem she was always meant to be.