Chapter Text
“You were right,” Celeborn said. His long hair was slightly rumpled and there was an ugly slash in his embroidered tunic. “I don’t know what else to do now. She accused me of being you and nearly killed me.”
Mairon nodded sympathetically. “I did warn you. Much of this place has fallen to discord. I believe it to be another universe where the song was never so clear and certain. Melkor’s strength was mightier here for the strength of those who opposed him was so much weaker.
“If only there was some way for us to stop her.” Celeborn wailed. He turned on Mairon, a deep scowl crossing his face. “You should not have armed them so. Why would you teach them ringcraft?
Mairon smirked. “I didn’t teach them how to make Rings of Power. I taught them basic ring making. I figured that would be good enough. They weren’t even very good at that. God, did you see that garish thing Galadriel’s been lugging around on her hand. They didn’t even bother cutting the stones before setting them.”
“Oh,” Celeborn said, “Oh, that’s good.”
“I did make some, if you’d like one though.” Mairon pulled out case and flicked it open. A dozen glittering rings, some gold some silver, some simple and some ornate gleamed with beauty and power. “They do lots of different interesting things.” He picked up one with a bright sapphire. Swirls of white gold framed it. “This one for example lets you pass unnoticed.” He set it down, and picked up a delicate band of gold that mimicked a wreath of flowers. “This one heightens your senses.” He picked up another. “And this one, now this is a favorite of mine, this one—”
Celeborn turned away. “I told you I wanted nothing to do with that harebrained plan of yours.”
Mairon shrugged. “It worked well enough the first time. And I went into that blind. I’ll be much better prepared this time. He smiled widely.
Celeborn flinched.
Fine, Sauron said snapping the case shut with a bit of annoyance. He tossed it back onto a pine table and stalked over to a corkboard. There were sketches of the rings and tons of tiny scrawling notes on current political leaders. “You force my hand, then Celeborn.” He flipped the rudimentary swivel cork board. “Time for plan B.”
“Plan B?”
“My newest plan. I’ve been cooking it up while you’ve been busy trying to convince yourself that the Galadriel of this place isn’t a total bint.”
Mairon motioned to a chair. “Sit down so I can explain.”
Celeborn sat.
“My new plan. Distracted as you’ve been by that tart of yours, I’ve had lots of opportunities for unsupervised experimentation. That along with all the materials I’ve been able to hijack from the elves I’ve created a new sort of powerful magic crystal.”
Celeborn sunk deeper into his seat. Mairon’s eyes were wide, and a tenor of excitement thrilled in the tone of his voice. Neither were good.
“Now this crystal acts as the base of my newest plan to seize control of Arda.”
“I thought we agreed that the ruling of the races ought to be democratic.”
“Shhh.” Mairon hushed quietly. “You said that, and I agreed with you at the time because you were quiet upset. But it’s a stupid idea, Celeborn. More democracy would let more inane, deranged notions from the ilk of Galadriel to be heard. We’ve had enough of that.
Celeborn sputtered,“But—”
“I’m not done yet.” Mairon blustered on “This is my Crystal Method. I’m calling it Crystal Meth for short—makes it easier when I’m taking notes. Anyways, to the point, I’ve developed a sort of crystal that causes a dizzying high.”
“What? Why?”
Mairon cackled maniacally. “Why not? But also, addiction will make these morons even easier to lead astray. We’ll corner the market. We’ll get dealers in ever realm from Eregion to Lindon to Numenor. Galadriel will never stop us.”
“It doesn’t seem very safe. Have you even tested the crystals for safety.”
“Yes,” Mairon said very matter of factly.“On a group of filthy little homeless people who called themselves Harfoots. They mostly survived.”
“Oh,” Celeborn still frowned.
Mairon blundered on. “I knew you wouldn’t like the ring plan. And these crystals are way easier to craft. I’m gonna give the people of middle earth something to crave.” He canted his hips outwards. Maybe it was incredibly sexy of him. Or maybe, dear readers, I’ve finally cracked.
“Oh, fine,” Celeborn said suddenly incredibly amicable.
And then, then they kiss the author said smashing their lips together rather like a child smashing the lips of Barbie and Ken together — except in this case Barbie is a megalomaniac directly responsible for the deaths of too many people to even count. And Ken well, he’s still Ken just buffer and wiser and even prettier and more majestic than before.
The end.