Archive of Our Own

Some days be can forget he was ever Kakashi Hatake, He’s just Hitoshi. Just Hitoshi that scans every room and checks his hidden blades routinely. Those days, he’s in the moment and he forgets to think about the past.

This is not one of those days.

Some days he needs to linger in the memories for a bit.

Which is how he found himself on the roof. He can almost fool himself into thinking he’s sitting on a roof in Konoha if he closes his eyes.

The city scape is to different to keep them open, the feeling of being high up, that open air.

But it’s just a but to cold here for him to completely forget.

Even though it’s spring, air is still frigid and thin in the darkness of the night. It’s still close enough to winter for all the warmth of the bad to begin sucked away with the sun as it sets.

Hitoshi leans against the railing of the roof, watching as his breath pulls out in little clouds. His fingers burned with the pleasant sting of the night air. 

It was still a bit of a novel sensation, used to he only had to circulate his chakra to warm up. It wasn’t a cure all, but only the young, old, and civilians had to worry about frostbite. He didn’t even had to think about it either, it’s was a natural response to the cold. 

Even then, Konoha never really got this cold. 

The sting was felt similar to the soreness of chakra exhaustion, When the heat of chakra was thin and left him feeling freezing in its absence. He never thought he would miss chakra exhaustion, but here he was nostalgic for it. The ache that told him he had fought hard, that he had survived.

This world was so soft. Even their soldiers coddled like genin, yet it was as close as he has ever seen to perfect peace. It was still rough around the edges, but those edges weren’t so jagged and sharp as his old world’s peace, as close to cutting at any moment.

He should feel relieved to be so safe, to not have to fight as hard as before, lose as many comrades.

So why did he iche for that sting?

A stint he had tried to find sparring with Tensei or Aizawa. That hypnotic combat focus that can be found in the adrenaline. The flood of endorphins as a blade is just nearly dodged.

But even the spars here are soft. They pull so many punches. They don’t fling kuni or sharinkin at him, not even blunted one. The way your comrades would trust in your ability to dodge their weapons and blows.

Hitoshi Takes a deep breath, feels the air fill and stretches his lungs before opening his eyes.

He stares at his hands, tips tinting pink and his arms looking pale. What does that say about him? That he craves that pain. 

Why can he not leave all the war in the past and bury the soldier left there. Why can’t he let that soldier rest.

He lets out a mirthless chuckle, just his luck that his sins would follow him even to his next life. He can see why people are suppose to forget their past life before reincarnation. 

Its Aizawa.

He had long since memorized his gait, the weight of his steps even when he changes speeds. The first few weeks of living with him, Hitoshi would walk up as soon as the door opened, Aizawa arrived for patrol. He would listen, map out Aizawa’s movements from just the sound of his steps.

“It’s cold.” He states as he joins him in leaning against the railing. 

Hitoshi just nods with a hum.

Aizawa’s gaze flickers to the side, observing him from the corner of his eye. Hitoshi is glad that be doesn’t bring up how late it is, He doesn’t have too, Aizawa understands sleepless nights.

They stand in silence for a while, just staring out into the city. 

“Im here if you want to talk about it you know. I know that you haven’t really told us the whole story of your past…” Aizawa’s mouth tensed into a tight line, leaving his words to linger in the air. “Just, Im here if you need someone to listen.”

Hitoshi lets his eyes flow close and his head drop to hang between where his arms lean against the railing. He could laugh if his throat didn’t feel so tight.

He swallowed the vulnerable emotions back.

And it must have been the melancholy or the hour that made him feel safe enough to talk.

He opened his eyes, looking at his shoes from where his head hung, “My name was Kakashi, but on missions I was called Hound.” Hitoshi voice cracks on the admission.

Hitoshi feels Aizawa startle beside him, wiping him head around to look at his with wide eyes. Like he wasn’t expecting Hitoshi to actually say anything. 

Hitoshi lifts his head back up to look over the city, not meeting Aizawa gaze. 

He can hear the man holding his breath beside him. Like if he merely breathed Hitoshi would close back up and never touch the topic again, well actually it just might.

Hitoshi takes a lazy, slow breath, “I started real young, I was a prodigy too….” He says a bit wistfully, A small smile finds its way onto his face.

“I— I think you’ve noticed that I’m different from normal kids, Right?” Hitoshi turns to meet Aizawa’s eyes.

He stares down at Hitoshi, assessing, Before he nods in conformation.

Hitoshi just sighs and chuckles a bit, “Yeah, of course. I never really did understand how to act like kids my age.”

“That man, the one I killed—“

 Aizawa jolts as if struck, “That wasn’t your fault, you were just a kid—“ He protests.

Hitoshi just holds a hand up, telling him to wait, “no, no, let me finish. You need to know this.” Aizawa and Hizashi are good, heroes, they need to know what monster lives under their roof.

“That man— He wasn’t the first person Ive had to kill.” It’s a quiet admission. Hitoshi almost wants to take it back as soon as it slips past his lips.

Aizawa’s takes an audible breath in shock.

“Espionage… Sabotage… Assassination… Murder…” Hitoshi lists. 

Voice dry, detached. He doesn’t feel much regret for the missions, he really should. He’s been he long enough, yet this world’s morals still felt so foreign to him.

He understood them as things that would get him put away for life here logically, But the rules still chafed at him.

“Anyway you can think of to kill a man, I have done it. Decapitation, Electrocution, Poisoning, I know and have cut every major artery there is, Lose of limbs, I’ve tortured people—- I’ve killed women and children—”

He started talking faster, the admissions sipping from his lip. Wanting, needing Aizawa to see what kind of monster he was. Needing it to end so that Aizawa could abandon him and get it over with, leave him before he dies like the others.

“There is so much blood on my hands.” He croaks out. He meets Shouta’s eyes, expecting revulsion and not finding it. Shouta— He looks heartbroken. 

Suddenly he’s pressed against a firm chest, arms wrapped around him like a vise grip. Kakashi sucks in a startled breath, eyes wide and arms limp at his sides.

The touch is warm.

When was the last time someone had hugged him? Minato sensei? Naruto? Did Naruto ever hug him? Had he ever hugged Naruto? 

A tear rolled down his left cheek, Obito always was a cry baby.

He buries his faces into Shouta’s capture scarf, It smells like alleyway and trash. Hitoshi’s nose scrunched.

“I don’t know how many people Ive killed. it’s in the hundreds at least, maybe in the thousands.” He tries, waiting for Shouta push him away. 

It doesn’t happen, he only tightens his grip, “You shouldn’t have had to.” Aizawa’s voice is tight.

Kakashi shakes his head, “No, that’s not it. I don’t regret the things I had to do ” He admits softly.  

He tightened his grip in Shouta’s shirt, “I miss it so much.” He whispers, breath hitching.

Aizawa tenses, He slowly pulls away— He it comes the fear, the disgust, the— 

He grips Hitoshi shoulders, firm look on his face as he meets Hitoshi’s eyes. His eyes dart over Hitoshi’s face, searching.

“Hitoshi.” He says softly. And Kakashi wants to look away, But after years of training and conditioning with the Sharingan let him hold his gaze.

“Do you want to kill people?” He can tell Shouta tries to hide it, but he looks pained. 

Hitoshi’s brows furrow, He shakes him head, “what? no—oh, no. I don’t miss that part.” he doesn’t laugh, it would be an inappropriate time.

He thinks back to his students, Minato sensei, Kushina, Gai. He can’t even throw himself back into ANBU mission to dull it because ANBU doesn’t exist here.

“I miss comrades… I miss the violence too. Everything is so peaceful here, I can’t stand it.” He paused, “Sparring with you and the others help… But, the spars are so safe.” he spits the word ‘safe’ as if it’s a curse.

They are quiet for a moment, “I- don’t know how any ways to fix this, The spars are like that for a reason… I’m sorry.” Shouta mumbles.

Hitoshi takes in a shaky breath, “it’s okay.”

Shouta pulls back again, hands on Hitoshi’s shoulders, “Wait.. Is that why you applied to the hero course?” He says incredulously.

Hitoshi face scrunches, pained, “Only partially.” He admits with a wry smile.

Shouta lets out a long suffering sigh, “Problem child….” He grimaced. 

Hitoshi huffs a laugh at Shouta’s expense.

“Are your comrades still out there?” Shouta questions.

Hitoshi stiffened, “Their all dead.” He chocked out. 

Aizawa just nods, “Would you be willing to go to therapy?” He asked, voice soft. 

Hitoshi tensed before forcing himself to relax, it’s fine. He’s safe, therapy is like psych, he tells home. It’s okay, basically just a psych evaluation after difficult missions. 

He takes a deep breath, “Maybe.” He answers.

Aizawa just nods, “Okay, And what about talking to Naomasa? Tell him what might be useful so be can stop the people who did this to you?”

Hitoshi jerks, “Wait! No!” He answers reflexively.

Aizawa reared back in shock.

His mind chanting, ‘loyalty’ and ‘don’t betray Konoha’  and logical he knows that they can’t hurt His village, but the thought of giving village secrets to a foreign agent is petrifying.

He closes his eyes and calms himself, “No. You wouldn’t fine anything, It doesn’t exist anymore.” Which is a partial lie in that it exists in another universe.

Aizawa just looks at him for a moment before nodding firmly, “Okay.” 

Aizawa pulls off his captured scarf and drops its around Hitoshi’s neck, “Its cold.” He states before pulling Hitoshi into a side hug, arm argus shoulder, “Come on, let’s go inside.”

Hitoshi nods.