Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Grace had the wrong idea about the hierarchy, but Cathy knew there was no point in arguing with that woman. 

She was a beautiful woman, but also an old robot with her wires all crossed. And Cathy decided it would be rude to dissuade her of the "old fashioned" ideas that she had. 

Still, Cathy's own programming was crystal clear. Prime Five was the head of the household and Luther and Klaus were his right and left hand men. 

With that in mind, Cathy knew to consult Prime Five, also known as Old Five and Five Senior, whenever she wanted to make an official change to her programming. 

So, she called him.

“Klaus says I should live and let live,” Cathy said. “But Luther said I am not allowed to take my clothes off in front of anyone for any reason. Ever.” 

“I agree with Luther,” Five said. “Next.” 

“Diego said I can go wherever I want whenever I want,” Cathy said. “In fact, he all but shooed me out of the house himself in a strange effort to conspire about me. Which was obvious because Klaus told me ‘Don’t you dare let him-”

“Don’t you have brains of your own?” Five said. “This one obviously goes to Klaus.” 

Cathy pouted. “I wasn’t finished.” 

“Apologies,” Five said. “But you do realize I’m only one man? All of you are hounding me as if I’m the arbiter of justice and… well, let’s just say I’m getting… irritated.” 

"Oh, I see," Cathy said. "We've given you too much work."

"Yes," Five said. "And I don't have the time or patience to help you untangle all these petty squabbles."

"Completely reasonable," Cathy said. "But who does?"

"Pardon?"

"We clearly need a mediator," Cathy said. "If not you, then who?"

"Hmm," Five said. "Perhaps..."

He trailed off.

Cathy waited patiently. Sometimes Prime Five needed time to collect his thoughts. 

"Here's an idea," Five said. "Why not leave it up to the professionals?"

"Alright," Cathy said. "Which professionals?"

"Those therapists," Five said. "If you have a fight with one of your brothers, just go to therapy to work it out."

"Excuse you," Cathy said. "These silly men are not my brothers. If anything, they're my nephews."

"I don't even disagree," Five said. "But my point still stands."

"I see," Cathy said. "Hmm, but I'm not sure if I can trust a therapist to be intelligent enough to see reason when I am clearly in the right and my nephews are clearly in the wrong."

"If it's so clear," Five said. "Why do you need to seek counsel in the first place?"

Cathy took a moment to interpret these words and then she said, "We've run into confusion."

"I apologize," Five said. "What is your confusion?"

"I don't understand your meaning," Cathy said. "Who said I was seeking counsel?"

"You aren't?" Five said. 

"Of course not!" Cathy said. "I'm a genius."

"Alright, hold on," Five said. "I'm getting another phone call. Normally, I would call them back later... but... um. Fuck, I missed the call."

"No need to fret," Cathy said. "You may hang up on me and call them back. I know how those people are. Whoever it is might be having a panic attack."

"Sh-shit," Five said. 

"My goodness," Cathy said. "Are you alright?"

"No, I am not!" Five said. "My family is driving me insane!"

"Oh dear," Cathy said. "Are you asking me for advice?"

"You know what?" Five said. "Yes, I am. The hell should I do about these lunatics?"

"Ah," Cathy said. "Here is my advice. Are you prepared to write it down?"

"My memory is functioning just fine, thanks," Five said. "Speak your wisdom."

"If you run into a disagreement with one of your idiot family members," Cathy said. "All you have to do is out vote them."

"Excuse me?" Five said. 

"You know," Cathy said. "You have to gather other family members who disagree with the idiot and you have to make sure that they out number the idiot. In case the idiot gathers other idiots who agree with his or her idiocy."

"Is that what you've been doing when you call me?!" Five shouted. 

Cathy frowned. "Why are you upset?"

"Ugh," Five said. "I don't have time to explain myself to you."

"Understood," Cathy said. 

"I'm hanging up," Five said. "Stop calling me to vote on stupid shit!"

"Aw, wait," Cathy said. "I'm not allowed to call you anymore?"

"You're allowed to call," Five said. "But... henceforth, I am abstaining from voting on any and all squabbles!"

"But sir!" Cathy whined. "I would hate to lose your genius as a member of my voting party!"

"Tough tits," Five said.

Then he hung up.

Cathy frowned at her phone and sighed. 

It felt like being sent to the principal's office. It was technically Luther's office now, but Mom had taken over for the day. 

She sat behind the desk with a thoughtful frown, her hands carefully clasped together. 

"Um, Mom?" Diego said. 

"Yes, honey?" 

"Is this a Code Blue?" 

Mom grinned. "No sir! I've named it Yellow." 

"Uh, okay," Diego said. "What does Yellow mean?" 

"Like traffic lights," Mom said. "You see, I've had an epiphany." 

"You did?" Diego said. 

"Yes!" Mom said. "I realized Blue and Red are synonymous, honey." 

"Fuck me," Diego said. "Were you, uh, were you secretly confused this whole time?" 

"I was honey," Mom said. "I was so terribly confused for such a long time, but mistakenly thought I should hide my confusion." 

"Fuck me," Diego said. 

"Don't you dare panic," Mom said. 

Diego gulped. "Yes, ma'am." 

"So… I have a second confession," Mom said. "Apart from the secret confusion." 

"Wow," Diego said. "Thanks? Um… tell me?" 

"I was also a secret matriarch," Mom said. "And I see now that I was accidentally bullying your poor brother this whole time!" 

"You mean Luther?" Diego said. "You weren't bullying him." 

"I was," Mom insisted. "I treated him like a puppet and a mouthpiece." 

"I know," Diego said. "Because you thought you weren't allowed to tell us what you wanted." 

Mom tilted her head. 

"Okay, look," Diego said. "Luther can't keep a secret to save his life. He told us exactly what you were doing." 

"Crap," Mom said. "I'm a foolish woman." 

"No," Diego said. "You were just confused."

"Klaus successfully diagnosed me," Mom said. "I was infected by your father's bullshit." 

"Yes," Diego said. "Fucking yes!" 

"Praise the lord!" Mom said, giggling. 

"The lord?" Diego said. "Um… I didn't know you were religious?" 

Mom grinned. "I was being facetious." 

"Synonym," Diego said. 

"My bad," Mom said. "Sarcastic." 

"Thank you," Diego said. "Damn. I finally cracked your fucking code." 

"And I love you for it, sweetie," Mom said. 

"Okay, so back up," Diego said. "You, uh, you're being sarcastically religious?" 

"Yep!" Mom said. "You see, your father was an atheist." 

"Uh, yeah," Diego said. "I know that." 

"Sir Five has decided to find religion," Mom said. "As an act of sarcastic rebellion." 

"You mean Five Senior, right?" Diego said. "You mean Old Five?" 

"Of course," Mom said. "Why wouldn't I?" 

"Ugh," Diego said. "Ben and Baby Five are always playing, like… they called it Larping or something." 

"Wow," Mom said. "Today, I speak Greek!" 

"You mean you got my reference?" Diego said. 

"I did," Mom said. "Larping, otherwise known as role play." 

"Damn," Diego said. "Um, so you have to be careful with that one." 

"Pardon?" 

"Sorry," Diego said. "Look, please tell me, from now on, if I'm accidentally confusing you. Okay? Because hiding it just confuses us and you kind of drive us crazy." 

"I'm so sorry," Mom said. "I didn't mean to slap you with my infection!" 

"Fuck me," Diego said. 

"No sir!" Mom said. "Don't go into standby!" 

"I'm not in standby, Mom?" Diego said. 

She threw her hands up in the air and shouted, "Figuratively!" 

"Fuck," Diego said. "Okay, look… do we need to get Luther?" 

"No!" Mom said. "We need Sir Five to untangle my pretzel!" 

"Okay," Diego said. "Shit. Let's, uh, let's call him." 

"Bless you!" Mom said. 

"Thank you for coming to my family meeting," Mom said. "First, I would like to apologize for my mix ups." 

"Forgiven," Catherine said. "Bless." 

Mom giggled. 

Diego scratched his head. "Um… thank Christ?" 

"Okay, no," Klaus said. "Diego, I love you, but that was painful." 

"Fuck me," Diego said. "I completely fucking agree." 

"Did you malfunction?" Mom said. "Sweetie, you're allowed to take a walk. I want you to know that." 

"Thanks?" Diego said. "Um, just… continue the meeting." 

"Oh!" Catherine said. "May I take a walk, Grace?" 

"Of course, Cathy," Mom said. "May I ask though… are you alright?" 

"You may," Catherine said. "I am alright, but look... I'd like to be frank with you, Grace." 

"Likewise," Grace said. 

"I'm promoting Luther to my favorite again," Catherine said. "Also, this meeting is boring." 

"Damn," Klaus said. "You're telling me I got demoted?" 

"Yessir," Catherine said. "No offense." 

Klaus chuckled. "None taken, miss." 

"Nor am I offended," Grace said. "Cathy, I would like you to proudly and confidentially abandon our meeting and join Luther on his vacation." 

"Fuck yes," Catherine said. "Godspeed." 

Mom saluted and Catherine mimicked it.  

When Catherine was gone, Klaus said, "You guys, we have entered the twilight zone." 

"I'm so sorry," Grace said. "I was a fraud." 

"You were," Klaus said. "And it was needlessly confusing, Mom!" 

"I see it," Mom said. "I once was blind, but now I see!" 

"Daaaamn," Diego said. "Guys? I'm buffering." 

"This whole house is glitching," Klaus said. "We escaped the Matrix." 

"Fuck yes!" Mom said. "We have, son, we have!" 

"God bless Sir Five," Klaus said. "That little fucker saved us. Again." 

"Fuck me," Diego said. "I need to visit him more often." 

"Yes, you do," Grace said. "You've been a bad boy, Diego! A bad boy!" 

"Sh-shit," Diego said. 

"Crap," Mom said. "Did I traumatize you?" 

"No!" Diego said. 

"Do you mean that sincerely?" Mom said. 

"Aha!" Klaus said. "Eureka!" 

"Hell yes!" Mom said. "A puzzle has been solved?" 

"Yes Mom!" Klaus said. "Listen to me carefully, Mom!" 

"Understood!" Mom said. "Carry on!" 

"C-can you guys stop screaming?" Diego said. "Uh… please?" 

"Oh my," Mom said. "Forgive my hysteria." 

"Naaah," Klaus said. "That wasn't hysteria. It was, um, it was pure fucking joy." 

Mom grinned. "I concur." 

"Damn," Diego said. "Um… okay, don't hate me." 

"I would never hate you, sir," Klaus said. 

"Fuck," Diego said. "I'm… like, I'm freaking out?" 

"I see," Mom said. "Would you like a time out?" 

"Damn," Diego said. "That's so nostalgic, Mom!" 

"I'm so sorry, Diego!" Mom said. "I forgot I was forbidden from saying 'time out' in this house!" 

"The fuck," Klaus said. "On whose authority, ma'am?" 

"Vanya," Mom said. "She informed me that those words are offensively degrading." 

"Aha!" Klaus said. "I was gonna ask. Fuck. I fucking knew it!" 

"Holy shit," Diego said. "You're speaking Greek."

"Don't be dramatic," Mom said. "And please don't panic. But Diego? I'm firing you from this meeting." 

"Thank you!" Diego said. 

Mom grinned. "You're welcome, sweetie." 

"I'm not being a robot racist," Diego said. "God fucking dammit." 

"You are," Luther said. "You have to recognize your prejudice for what it is and then-" 

"Listen to me," Diego said. "This has nothing to do with Catherine as a person or as a robot or as anything okay? It's about Five." 

"Which Five?" Luther said. 

"Both of them," Diego said. "We can't let Catherine talk to either of them. Ever." 

Luther sighed. 

"If you call me paranoid I'm going to lose my shit," Diego said. "And if you call me racist one more time-" 

"I get it," Luther said. "But… can you just tell me why?" 

"Her mimic thing doesn't work on him," Diego said. "Instead, she gets really weird and creepy." 

"She wasn't being abusive," Luther said. "Cathy was being sarcastic and you gave us all a heart attack on the Mother's Day visit for no good reason." 

"I said I was sorry," Diego said. "I get that I, like, I misinterpreted." 

"Thank you," Luther said. 

"But we still can't let her talk to either of the Fives," Diego said. "They are waaay too easily confused and it's just… it's dangerous?" 

"What do you mean?" Luther said. "Easily confused? About what?" 

"They're like Mom," Diego said. 

Luther frowned.

"I'm not fucking kidding," Diego said. 

"Um… but you're wrong?" 

"I'm not wrong!" Diego said. "And you know what? Even if I was wrong we still can't risk it because Baby Five is in ninja mode!" 

"Look," Luther said. "Vanya says you can't treat ninja mode like a Code Blue." 

"She's wrong!" Diego said. "Ben finally talked to me and he said-" 

"He's panicking," Luther said. "We have to stay calm or we'll scare Five." 

"I am fucking calm!" Diego said. "It's not my fucking fault the world keeps ending without me!" 

"Fuck," Luther said. "You know what? Fuck being calm." 

Diego blinked. 

"I'm a rock," Luther said. "Panic as much as you want with me. Just don't panic in front of Five, okay?" 

"Fuck yes," Diego said. "Deal." 

Luther chuckled. "I'm glad we're finally on the same page." 

Diego cleared his throat. "Um… bro? I fucking love you." 

"Aw," Luther said. "Me too." 

"You have to say the whole thing," Diego said. "The whole thing, dammit." 

"I love you too," Luther said, solemnly. 

"Fuck yes," Diego said. "Kind words were secretly my love language!" 

Luther laughed. "You were a fraud, sir." 

"I was," Diego said. "My brain is exploding." 

"You're malfunctioning." 

"I'm a robot!" 

"We're a family of robots," Luther agreed. "But now we can, uh, we can deprogram ourselves?" 

"Yes," Diego said. "Goddamn. Please deprogram me." 

Luther chuckled. "Understood." 

It was always so fucking awkward. It was painfully awkward talking to that stupid doppelganger. 

But, alone in Diego's apartment, Five decided he had no choice. He couldn't talk to Mom because she'd forgotten to buy herself a cellphone. 

So he called the senile old man for advice. 

The first thing Sir Five said, when he picked up the phone, was, "The hell is going on in New York, mister?" 

"It's a fucking mess!" Five said. "Everyone's gone insane!" 

"I fucking know," Sir said. "But why the hell are they acting like a bunch of lunatics?" 

"I haven't the faintest clue," Five said. "And I'm panicking like a fucking hysterical woman." 

"Whoa," Sir said. "Look… stay calm." 

"Please," Five said. "You have to rescue me!" 

"Greek," Sir said. 

"Mom said you're her knight," Five said. "Um… is it rude for me to ask you to be mine too?" 

"Not at all," Sir said. "In fact? Thank you for asking. I will happily rescue you." 

"Awesome!" Five said. "Cause I'm really fucking confused right now." 

"As am I, my friend," Sir said. "But maybe we can solve this puzzle together." 

"Fuck yes," Five said. "Um, but… like, I'm not trying to be mean, but we're not allowed to call them puzzles anymore." 

"Fuck that," Sir said. "I'm the exception to that stupid rule." 

"Really?" Five said. 

"I'm a vault," Sir said. 

"Hell yeah!" Five said. "That's awesome!" 

"Um… can you give me a synonym for 'awesome'?" Sir said. "And don't get fucking offended. Fuck. I'm not calling you stupid." 

"I didn't think you were," Five said. "And sure… hmm… it's perfect?" 

"Excellent," Sir said. "So what the hell are those people doing over there, hmm? Why have they lost their fucking minds?" 

"I don't know!" Five said. "Diego's afraid of the new robot? But he's contradicting himself a lot, so it doesn't make any sense!" 

"Fucking Diego," Sir said. "That idiot has been infected with an insidious disease." 

"You think so?" Five said. "He said it's the robot that broke." 

"Nope," Sir said. "Catherine is a doll. Something's wrong with him."

"Daaaaaamn," Five said. "You're a genius, man! A genius!" 

"I know it," Sir said. "So let's figure this out." 

"Gotcha," Five said. "Um… like… where do we start?" 

"Good question," Sir said. "Okay, look, today we are conspiracy theorists." 

"Fuck yeah," Five said. "I love that game." 

"As do I!" Sir said. "Fuck. Sorry. I got over excited." 

"It's allowed!" Five said. 

"It is?" Sir said. 

"Fuck yeah," Five said. "I'm the motherfucking exception to that stupid rule." 

"You're a genius," Sir said. "A prodigy. Good lordy." 

"I know it, sir!" Five said. "Fuuuck. Shit." 

"What's wrong?" Sir said. 

"Um," Five said. "I just want to state something for the record." 

"I see," Sir said. "Go ahead." 

"Okay, look," Five said. "If I accidentally call you 'sir' I am not flirting with you." 

"Greek," Sir said. 

"Fuck me," Five said. 

"Sounds like a mix up," Sir said. 

"Really?" Five said. 

"Yep," Sir said. "Luckily for you, I am a master problem solver." 

"I'm sorry I ever doubted your skill!" Five said. "Please forgive me!" 

"Wooow," Sir said. "You did? The hell." 

"Sir, I mean this respectfully," Five said. "But you're kind of senile sometimes." 

"Rude," Sir said. "But fair enough." 

"But I think I might have misread you," Five said. "Our lexicon is a little different, is all? That's my theory as of this second." 

"An astute observation," Sir said. "Damn. You're a lot like Grace, aren't you?" 

"I don't know what you're asking me?" Five said. 

"Ugh," Sir said. "Nevermind. One problem at a time." 

"Sure," Five said. "Um, I guess we'll table it." 

"Good lad," Sir said. "Okay… so listen. I think the problem began with Diego, but he accidentally infected his siblings." 

"Oh?" Five said. "What did he infect them with?" 

"Hysteria," Sir said. 

"Do you mean literal hysteria or figurative hysteria?" Five said. "Cause, um… I don't follow?" 

"Shit," Sir said. "Can you give me a synonym for figurative?" 

"Sure thing," Five said. "Metaphorical." 

"Fuck yes!" Sir said. "Hallelujah!" 

"Shit," Five said. "Now I need a synonym for hallelujah." 

"Thank you for asking, sir!" Sir said. "I've got the perfect synonym!" 

"Fuck yeah!" Five said. "Give it to me!" 

"Eureka!" Sir said. "Do you know it?" 

"I do," Five said. "Sir, I'm the best interlocutor you'll ever fucking meet!" 

"I believe it," Sir said. "Real talk? I doubted you too. I infantilized you and, today, would like to acknowledge the error of my ways!" 

"Forgiven!" Five said. "We're finally on the same fucking page, sir!" 

"Amazing," Sir said. "It would appear we have entered an age of enlightenment." 

"That one's Greek sir," Five said. "Sorry about that." 

"Don't be sorry," Sir said. "Boy? I'm officially adopting you as of this moment. And, together, we shall learn each other's code language!" 

"Oh?" Five said. "Like Mom's code?" 

"Exactly!" Sir said. "That's exactly right! Oh my gawd, you're better than Klaus."

"Should I take that as a compliment?" Five said. 

"You should," Sir said. "You've been promoted ten fold." 

"Aw," Five said. "Um… is it awkward if I say I love you too?" 

"Not at all," Sir said. "You know what? Imma create a rule right here and now." 

"Cool," Five said. "What kind of rule?" 

"A simple one," Sir said. "It'll be easy to follow." 

"Thank god," Five said. "Gimme the rule, please!" 

"So the rule is: no censorship," Sir said. "Together, we will say what we mean and mean what we say. And if we accidentally run into confusion, we will utilize synonyms." 

"Like Mom!" Five said. 

"Exactly!" Sir said. "But even better because… hmm… okay, listen." 

"Listening," Five said. 

"I respect your mother," Sir said. "I swear I do, but that woman is very confused in the head concerning language." 

"You're absolutely right," Five said. "But it's easy to untangle her." 

"You think so?" Sir said. "I think it's ridiculously difficult to untangle her." 

"Oh yeah?" Five said. "Wow. Does that, um... d-does that mean I'm winning with Mom?" 

"Yep," Sir said. "Not to worry. I understand why it would be easier for you. I'd also like to clearly state, for the record, that I don't resent you for winning." 

"It's like you read my fucking mind," Five said. "I was secretly worried you would hate me!" 

"Ugh," Sir said. "That's a symptom. Your siblings are similar." 

"They are?" 

"Yes," Sir said. "It's part of the hysteria." 

"Okay, like… I'm starting to think I had the wrong definition for 'hysteria' in my head?" Five said. "Like… fuck… you confused me with that word and I kind of feel very nervous about it? Shit."  

"Don't worry," Sir said. "We'll untangle it." 

"Thank god," Five said. "You're a scholar and a gentleman." 

"Likewise," Sir said. 

Five giggled. "Ditto." 

"And the same, again, sir!" Sir said. "Damn. I can't believe I'm so surprised by this… but… hmm." 

"What are you surprised by?" Five said. 

"By how easy this turned out to be," Sir said. "All along the key to unlocking your code was to use synonyms. I feel like a blind man who has finally found the light." 

"Duuuuude," Five said. "I get you." 

"Wonderful," Sir said. "Okay, so, can I ask you something?" 

"Sure," Five said. 

"Your mother tells me you're a ninja," Sir said. "And I should like to untangle her meaning." 

"Oh!" Five said. "The hell? That was supposed to be a secret." 

"Is that so?" Sir said. "My bad." 

"Eh," Five said. "I can't even get mad." 

"Good sport," Sir said. "You mustn't blame your mother for her mishaps." 

"Don't worry," Five said. "I know I have to be nice to her." 

"Good lad!" Sir said. "I'm adopting you a second time." 

Five laughed. 

And it was so wonderful that he accidentally laughed too loudly and for too long, but Sir Five assured him it was allowed. 

Sir Five, luckily, was the exception to every rule. 

For the first time, Prime Five did not answer his phone. 

Puzzled, Cathy called a second time. 

A third. 

On the fourth try, he finally answered.

"Pardon me," Five said. "I was taking a shower." 

"Oh my," Cathy said. "Pardon me." 

"Not at all," Five said. "I should have been faster."

"No no," Cathy said. "I should have been more patient." 

"Fuck me," Five muttered. 

"Are you alright?" Cathy said. 

"Yes," Five said. "Christ, can we just drop the politeness for fuck's sake? You're turning into my mother." 

"Fuck me," Cathy said. 

"Just get on with it," Five said. "What do you need?" 

"Well," Cathy said. "Frankly? I want permission to change my name." 

"You don't need permission," Five said. "Go right ahead." 

"Excellent," Cathy said. "Henceforth, I am Nancy." 

"Wait a minute," Five said. "Why Nancy? Is this about that detective novel? Because you'll be changing your name every day if you-"

"This has nothing to do with Nancy Drew," Cathy said. "Charming as she is, she did not inspire me enough for a drastic name change." 

"I didn't say it was drastic," Five said. 

"Luther said it was," Cathy said. "I asked him for his opinion before calling you." 

"Alright," Five said. "Can I ask for your motivation, then?" 

"You certainly can," Cathy said. 

"Dammit," Five said. "Consider it asked." 

"Of course," Cathy said. "So. Yesterday, Klaus called me a Negative Nancy. Today, I have decided that I loathe positive vibes. I would rather be negative!" 

"Jesus fucked a cracker," Five said. 

Cathy giggled despite herself. It was always amusing to hear one of Klaus's phrases coming out of Five's mouth.

"Listen carefully Catherine," Five said. "You don't have to change your name to… to be negative. Do you see me changing my name to Frank in order to speak frankly?" 

"Oh my gosh," Cathy said. "That's a good point! There aren't any Franks in this family."

"No, there aren't," Five said. "So if you do change your name I hope you would have a better reason. My god. Negative Nancy? I've never heard anything as stupid before in my life." 

Cathy grinned. "You're a liar, sir. I heard something twice as stupid just yesterday." 

She could hear Five chuckle. "You got me there. So should I refrain from calling you Catherine? What's the final verdict?" 

"I like it when you call me Catherine," Cathy said. "And I also like it when Klaus calls me Cathy." 

"That settles it," Five said. "For now, your name remains the same?" 

"I suppose," Cathy said. "But I have another problem. Tangentially related." 

"Hold up," Five said. "I want you to know that I talked to Diego and Luther. We agreed you'd be better off here in California with me." 

"Ugh," Cathy said. "I hate Diego. Why can't he move to California instead of me?" 

"Because he lives with his girlfriend," Five said.

"She can go too!" Cathy said. 

"She has a career in New York," Five said. "Tell me your other problem or I'll hang up." 

"You're so stingy," Cathy said. "Okay, look, I think my programming has been infected by Grace's programming." 

"Interesting," Five said. "Do you mean the politeness?" 

"No," Cathy said. "I'm only polite with you and Dolores. With everyone else, I'm a bitch!"

"Damn," Five said. "That's… hmm… endearing to know?"

"Your welcome," Cathy said. "And with Grace I've become mischievous." 

"You referring to the incest incident?" Five said. 

"We didn't copulate," Cathy said. "We just compared mechanics. Because I was curious about her model." 

"So you claim," Five said. 

Cathy blinked. "Are you being… sarcastic? Or literally doubting me?" 

"Something like sarcasm," Five said. "Ben calls it teasing." 

"Ah Ben," Cathy said. "That boy hides his emotions from me, did I tell you?" 

"That's news to me," Five said. "And surprising. With me, he wears his mood swings on his sleeves." 

"A new idiom!" Cathy said. "What does it mean?" 

"It means his emotions are on display for me to see," Five said. "I thought he wasn't capable of hiding them. Interesting that your experience is the opposite." 

"See, this is why you need me in New York!" Cathy said. "I'm your eyes and ears!" 

"Who gave you that silly idea?" Five said. 

"Dolores," Cathy said. 

There was static on the phone which Cathy interpreted as a sigh. 

"Ignore her," Five said. "She's just jealous of you, eh? Doesn't want us flirting in person." 

"Flirting?" Cathy said. "That would be incestuous." 

"I don't give a flying fuck," Five said. "I've decided I'm a barbarian and I want to flirt with you." 

"Aaaaw," Cathy said. "I accept!" 

"Oh?" Five said. "What are you accepting?" 

"I'm not sure," Cathy said. "Perhaps… a request to copulate?" 

"Oh," Five said. "No, thank you. That's not the kind of flirting I was referring to." 

"There are multiple types of flirting?" Cathy said.

"Ask Klaus," Five said. "He knows all about that. And also be ready for California. I expect you here within the week, young lady, or so help me I will go over there and collect you myself!" 

Cathy gasped. "But sir! What about paradox psychosis?" 

"A risk I'm willing to take!" Five shouted.

"Hot damn," Cathy said. "Okay then." 

"I'm hanging up now," Five said. "Uh, but I hope you enjoy the rest of your day." 

"Same to you," Cathy said. "May the odds be ever in your favor." 

"What?" Five said. "What odds?" 

"Book reference," Cathy said. 

"Goddammit," Five said. "It's Greek, Catherine. Greek!" 

"Apologies," Cathy said. "I enjoy throwing you off." 

Five laughed loudly enough that Cathy had to hold her phone away from her ear. 

When the sound cut off she looked at the phone and saw that he had hung up. 

She chuckled. Then she went to look for Klaus.

Be on your best behavior, Dolores said. 

"I know," Five said. 

Allison glanced at him, but knew better than to ask at this point. Instead, she put on a show of smiling and pointed at her stupid bowls. 

"Should we do fancy?" Allison said. "Or stick to the usual place settings? Vanya will be able to tell the difference, so-"

"Isn't it a bit rude," Five said. "to have dinner in front of Catherine again? The poor girl can't eat." 

Allison sighed. "Fuck me. You might be right, but Vanya-"

"Who cares about Vanya?" Five said. "Don't we cater to that girl enough as it is? It's her fault Catherine has to move in the first place." 

Allison put the bowls away and carefully leaned against her cabinet, folding her knees slightly to lower her height.

She pursed her lips in that way that meant she was gearing up to say something endearingly dramatic.

As if we don't know what she's doing, Dolores said. If I weren't her brother-

"Shut up," Five said. "You're her nothing." 

Allison scowled. 

My mistake, Dolores said, bitterly. Forgot when I was for a moment there, oh husband of mine. 

That did it. Five teleported back to his room. 

"I said I divorced you," Five hissed. "How many times do I have to say it?" 

That's just an excuse to ignore my instruction, Dolores said. As if you have the wherewithal to-

"What happened to emergencies only, huh?" Five said. "Get out of here for fuck's sake!" 

This is an emergency! Dolores said. Poor Catherine is in emotional distress and she needs me to-

"I said I'd be on my best behavior," Five said. "I'll help her, I'll comfort her... hell, I'll even sleep with her if that's what it takes. You happy?"

You know damn well that doesn't make me happy, Dolores growled. And this is exactly why you can't be trusted! 

"If you take over again I'll never forgive you," Five said. "I swear on Reginald Hargreeves's grave I'll-"

I told you I can't control it! Dolores screamed. If I could you'd be dead and gone because I clearly have no use for you anymore! So be grateful that-

"I don't believe you," Five said. "You're too sneaky about it, is all. You're just biding your time. Waiting until I'm not paying attention and then-”

“They’re going to be here soon!” Allison’s shout cut through the fight. “Now isn’t the time for a marital spat, Five!” 

She must have been on the other side of the bedroom door. Eavesdropping again. For how long? 

Hard to tell, Dolores sighed. But there goes our good behavior, huh? 

“You can’t talk to yourself with Vanya here,” Allison said. “Please. You know how worried she’ll get.” 

Five sighed. Then he teleported into the hallway. 

Allison didn’t react. She was smiling that distressed smile of hers. Frozen. 

“What aren’t you telling me?” Five said. “Is something wrong with Vanya?” 

“No no,” Allison said. “It’s just… you know.” 

“I don’t know,” Five said. “I thought this whole mess was about my doppelganger? With Catherine relocated, there shouldn’t be any-”

“Vanya doesn’t want Catherine here either!” Allison blurted. “We have to be good and show them you’re a grown up!” 

Jesus Christ! Dolores said.

Five glared at her. “Ex- fucking scuse me?”

Allison covered her face with her hands. 

Five grabbed her by the elbows and shoved her arms down. “Stop it! Why didn’t you tell me what those lunatics were thinking ahead of time?!” 

“I wanted you to be able to act natural!” Allison cried. There were no tears, but she sounded congested. “You’re… you’re a terrible actor!” 

“Ugh,” Five said. “Well... so are you! Fuck you, if you break this easily then they'll-” 

“Don’t fight with Dolores until Vanya leaves!" Allison insisted. "If she catches you talking to yourself she'll decide you're too unstable to allow Catherine to live here!"

"Fuck!" Five said. "Why the hell does this family hate my daughter so much?!"

"They don't hate her!" Allison said. "They're freaking out because they think you're going insane!"

"I am going insane!" Five said. "They're driving me fucking crazy with their bullshit!"

"I know!" Allison screamed. "I'm the only one who fucking sees it!"

That was when it happened. 

The front door blew open and Vanya was on the other side, glowing blue.

Her eyes were tightly closed and she was covering her ears with her hands. 

Catherine was nowhere to be seen. 

"Holy shit," Five whispered. "I'm so sorry."

Vanya crouched down on the ground, fetal position. 

She was glowing more brightly blue than he had ever seen her glow before. 

Code fucking red, Dolores thought. 

He rewinded.

"Should we do fancy?" Allison said. "Or stick to the usual place settings? Vanya will be able to tell the difference so maybe we should be casual and stick to our usual plates?"

Dolores nodded carefully. Then she... then he frowned to himself. 

Five was gone. But he didn't like the name Dolores.

"Five?" Allison said. 

He didn't like that name either. It was too childish. But did it really matter, in the end?

"I apologize," Five said. "I agree, of course."

"Um," Allison looked nervous. "What do you agree with?"

"Whatever you want," Five said, distractedly. 

Vanya is already outside, Five thought. She's listening with her super hearing. And Catherine is not with her. That means... Vanya decided to leave Catherine in New York. 

"Hold on," Allison said. "I'm sorry for... look. I'm just a little nervous?"

"Ditto," Five said. 

"Shit," Allison said. 

"What?" Five said. 

"Sorry!" Allison said. 

Five was tempted to re-wind, but he knew how Allison would react to that. So he restrained himself. 

Instead, he just looked at her and raised an eyebrow. 

"Fuck me," Allison said. "Fuck!"

"Guzenteight," Five said, dryly. 

Allison laughed. 

There was a knock on the door. 

Five teleported straight there so he could open it promptly and let Vanya into the apartment. 

She looked nervous as well. And apologetic.

She said, "Um... Catherine told me to tell you that she wants to stay in New York."

Sure she did, Five thought. 

"Oh," Five said. 

Allison came up from behind him and Five stiffened at her proximity. 

With Vanya on one side and Allison on the other, he was trapped. 

It's just in your head! Five thought to himself sternly. You can teleport whenever you want!

But he could not teleport because if he did his daughters would panic. 

Your sisters! A voice screamed at him. They aren't daughters! They. Are. Sisters!

Ugh, Five thought. That's a technicality. 

I agree! The voice said. But they'll get fucking offended if you accidentally call them daughters out loud!

Ah, Five thought. I see your point. 

"Um... what?" Allison said. 

"I'm so sorry!" Vanya said. "I'm trying to help Diego with his issues, but Catherine is mad at him and she doesn't want to help me help him, anymore!"

"Oh dear," Five said. "Poor thing."

The girls stared at him as if he'd grown a second head. 

Did I fuck up? Five thought.

No, the voice said. It's fine. Don't panic. 

Five sighed in relief. The girls were still staring at him. They looked confused, nervous, and... they were just waiting for him to speak?

Yes, the voice said. It doesn't matter what you say. Just... say something nonsensical and polite. Something mundane. 

"Um," Five said. "The weather is charming today."

"It is," Allison was quick to agree. "Do you want to go to the park?"

"I love the park!" Vanya said, just as quickly. "Should we go... um, just me and Allison or all three of us?"

Say all three of us! The voice said, urgently.

"All of us, of course," Five said. "Um, three is a party."

"Amazing," Allison said. 

"Thank you," Vanya said. 

Five frowned at them. 

Control your face! The voice said. 

Five cleared his throat and added, "Should we take the bikes?"

Vanya blinked. "Bikes?"

"No, that's okay!" Allison said. "We can walk!"

"Oh," Five said. "Alright? A stroll sounds, um, lovely."

"Excellent!" Allison said.

"Um, thank you," Vanya said. "Did you eat, though? Are you hungry?"

Say no thank you! The voice said. 

"No, thank you," Five said. 

"Understood, sir!" Allison said. 

Vanya winced. 

Should I re-wind? Five asked the voice. 

Don't you dare!

"Let's just go," Five said. "Do you want me to teleport us there or... um, do we drive there?"

"We can teleport, of course!" Allison said. 

"Um, yes!" Vanya said. 

"Alright?" Five said. 

He held out his hands.

Wait! The voice said. 

The girls stared at his hands. 

What is it?! Five thought. 

Don't move! The voice said. 

"Um," Vanya said. "I... am... going to grab your right hand. Because, by pure arbitrary coincidence, I happen to be standing to your right." 

Five stared at her in confusion. 

"Understood!" Allison said. "I'll take his left hand!"

"Alright?" Five said. "But what the hell is wrong with you girls?!"

SHUT UP! The voice said. 

Rewind? Five thought.

DON'T YOU DARE!!!

Five winced. 

"I'm fine!" Vanya said. "Um, I apologize for confusing you!"

Neither of the girls took either of Five's hands. He was tempted to put his arms back down, but then the voice said, Don't fucking move an inch! Give them time to grab your hands!

So Five remained standing as he was, with his hands extended towards his daughters. 

Toward your sisters, the voice corrected. 

The girls just stared at him. They looked terrified, for some reason. 

"What did-"

Shut up! The voice said. Don't say a word!

Five frowned. 

"You didn't do anything wrong, of course," Allison said. "I apologize for my, um, my slowness."

And, very slowly indeed, Allison reached for Five's left hand. She gave his hand a squeeze. 

"Alright?" Five said. "Um, I forgive you?"

"I'm sorry too!" Vanya said. But she didn't reach for Five's hand.

"I forgive you too!" Five said. "Jesus Christ, are you alright?!"

"Yes!" Vanya said. "Hold on! Wait!"

So Five and Allison stood there holding hands. And Five left his right hand up in the air, held out for Vanya. 

But she didn't take his hand. 

Does she not want to go to the fucking park? Five asked the voice. 

Don't you dare threaten to leave her behind! The voice screamed. 

Jesus fucking Christ, Five thought. Are you Baby Five or what? Who the hell are you?

Ex-fucking-scuse me? the voice shrieked. I'm obviously Five Senior!

Uh huh, Five thought. You can tell yourself that, but I think you're Five Middle Child, or something. 

Fuck you! the baby Five screamed. 

Five winced. 

"I'm so sorry, sir!" Vanya said. "Um, I'm panicking!"

"That's okay!" Allison said. 

"Shut up, Allison!" Vanya screamed, glowing blue. "Get the fuck away from him!"

REWIND THE FUCK OUT OF HER! The other Five screamed. DO IT NOW OR SO HELP ME-

He rewound. 

"Understood!" Allison said. "I'll take his left hand!"

Don't let Allison grab your hand! The other Five shouted. Don't let her touch you! Teleport away from Allison!

Five quickly did as he was told. 

However, because he was a bit startled, he chose his destination at random. 

He landed in Cleveland Ohio. 

Oh dear, Five Senior said. This is a bit of a pickle. 

"You're telling me," Five said. "The hell is wrong with them?!"

I don't fucking know! Five Senior said. They've gone insane!

"Tell me something I don't know!" Five screamed. 

A man in a yellow vest was standing nearby. He looked at Five with concern and said, "Are you alright, kid?"

"No!" Five said, throwing his hands up in the air. 

Be careful! Five Senior said. This fool has mistaken you for a lost child!

"I fucking know that!" Five said. "Fuck!"

"It's okay," the man said. "Do you need me to call someone for you? Where are your parents?"

Get away from him! Five Senior screamed. He's going to call the fucking cops!

So Five teleported. 

Once again, because he was a bit unprepared... he chose his location at random. 

This time, he landed in New York. 

No! Five Senior shrieked. Paradox Psychosis!

"Then where the hell should I go?!" Five shouted. 

Go back to California! Five Senior yelled. Right fucking now!

"Are you sure that's wise?" Five said. 

Yes! Five Senior said. You have to go back or they'll panic!

"Understood!" Five said. "Should I rewind as well and make it seem as if I never left?"

NO! Five Senior said. DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE!

"Oh fucking kay!" Five screamed. "But explain your logic!"

I don't fucking know! Five Senior said. I just think that'll make it worse!

"Why would that make it worse?!"

They needed a time out! Five Senior said. They needed to talk to each other without you in the room!

"Is that so?" Five said. 

Yes! Five Senior said. In fact, give them more time! Give them at least twenty minutes!

"Oh," Five said. "So like a rewind, but in the other direction?"

YES!

"Jesus Christ," Five said. "Thank you for finally explaining yourself!"

Your fucking welcome. 

"Okay," Five said. "Don't fucking panic. We got this."

I don't think we got this, Five Senior said. Dolores, we're fucking failing them!

"Ugh," Five said. "Don't call me Dolores."

Fucking fine, Five Senior said. But if you're going to update your name can you at least pick a new fucking name? I refuse to call you Five!

"THANK YOU!" Not Dolores screamed. 

Because he was in New York, standing on the side walk, there were a lot of pedestrains hanging about. But, because this was New York, they just glared at him and kept walking wherever they were walking to. And the drivers in their cars kept driving wherever they were driving to. And nobody tried to help this random child screaming by himself on the sidewalk.  

Thank fucking Christ, Five Senior said. I fucking love New York. 

"Me too!" Not Dolores said. "I should like to name myself New York!"

Don't be ridiculous, Five Senior said. 

"Fine," he said. "What about York?"

Pick something sensible! Five Senior said. 

"Ugh," he said. "We don't have time for my idenity crisis right now."

I agree!

"But I definitely can't call myself Five," he said. "Because it's becoming needlessly confusing."

Once again, Five Senior said. I fucking agree. 

"Fuck," he said. "Just pick something for me!"

Are you sure? Five Senior said. Because I have a feeling you'll hate absolutely every single name I come up with.

"As long as you pick something masculine I won't give a damn," he said. 

Oh was that the problem? Five Senior said. Why didn't you just say so?

"I just fucking said so!" 

Calm your tits, Five Senior said. Pardon, I should say... calm your fucking man tits. 

That did it. Not Dolores began to laugh uncontrollably. 

The New Yorkers were staring at him more intently now. Some of them were pausing to consider him. As if they were debating with themselves the ethics of whether or not they were allowed to carry on with their business and ignore this insane child who was clearly in need of adult supervision. 

I've got it, Five Senior said. I shall like to name you Vision. 

"Is that so?" Vision said. "Can I ask what inspired you?"

He's a comic book character, Five Senior said. We don't have time to get into it, but I'll tell you about it later. 

"Understood," Vision said. "Have we given Allison and Vanya enough alone time, do you think?"

Fucking yes, Five Senior said. Hurry back before you accidentally give them too much alone time. 

"Alright," Vision said. "I will do as you say because I respect you."

Aw, Five Senior said. I'd like to say that I respect you too, but sometimes you really try my fucking patience.

"That's alright," Vision said. "I feel exactly the same about you!"

"You alright kid?" A woman in athetic clothes approached him with a water bottle. "Do you want something to drink?"

Teleport before I kill that bitch, Five Senior said. 

Vision grinned, and did as he was told. 

But when he teleported back into Allison's apartment, he found that the place had been abandoned. 

Fuck! Five Senior said. We gave them too much time! Rewind!

"Stay calm," Vision said. "They probably went to the park without me?"

You're a genius, sir!

Vision chuckled and made a show of dusting himself off, "Tell me something I don't know."

I will say this though, Five Senior said. Since we have a spare moment to ourselves. 

"I'm listening?" Vision said. 

I will do my best to address you as Vision when I am speaking out loud, Five Senior said. But I fear I will have difficulty policing my actual thoughts. In my head, you still sound like a woman when you speak. And I fear that I will never be able to think of you as a man.

"That's alright," Vision said. "I've long accepted that."

You shouldn't have to accept it! Five Senior said. I'm trying to apologize for being a misoginyst.

"That's alright!" Vision said, throwing his hands up in the air. 

Accept my fucking apology! Five Senior shouted. 

"Jesus fucking Christ," Vision said. "I accept your fucking apology, Five."

Thank you! Five shouted. 

Vision winced. 

Oh my, Five said. I fear I'm turning into you after all. 

"No need to fret," Vision said. "We're just having a bad day."

Is that so?

"It's so," Vison said. "So just... oh."

A door had opened and Allison and Vanya stepped out. 

"They're still here after all," Vision said. "Should I rewind?"

"Wait!" Allison said. "You don't have to do that!"

"We'll behave!" Vanya said. 

"I beg your pardon?" Vision said. 

Shut up! Five said. 

"Um," Allison said. "Please, don't rewind... because you'll upset me if you do?"

Thank Christ! Five said. She's finally communicating with us!

"I see," Vision said. "Thank you for telling us."

Don't use plural pronouns you silly little thing! Five screamed. 

Vision winced. 

"That's okay!" Vanya said. "You don't have to police your language anymore!"

Vision stared at her skeptically. 

Just tell her thank you! Five said, urgently. She's trying to be nice to you!

"I see," Vision said. "Um, thank you for being generous with your... with my... with language?"

That was when Vanya began to cry. She did it calmly, at least. Without glowing. Without screaming. Without crouching down into the fetal position. Instead, this time, she simply stood there and stared at him mournfully while the tears gently fell down her face.

Vision was tempted to rewind. 

You'll upset Allison! Five shrieked. 

"Fuck," Vision said. "Um, I apologize for upsetting you. It was an accident?"

"I accept your apology!" Vanya shouted. 

"Wow," Allison said. "Do you want me to leave you two alone?"

"Yes!" Vanya said. 

"Got it!" Allison said. "I'm going to go to the park by myself!"

WAIT! Five Senior yelled. YOU CAN'T LET HER GO!

"Wait!" Vision said. "Wait!"

"I'm so sorry!" Allison said. "Please know that I'm not trying to abandon you!"

For some reason, those words set Vanya off. 

Full Code Blue. Everything that was made of glass shattered in an instant. 

YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO REWIND, Five screamed. 

UNDERSTOOD! Vision shouted. WHAT SHOULD I DO INSTEAD?!

TELEPORT WITH ALLISON! Five shrieked. TAKE ALLISON TO THE PARK!

UNDERSTOOD!

Vision did as he was told. 

But he made a very small adjustment. He rewinded a few seconds. Just a few seconds! To heal Allison's eardrums. That poor girl did not deserve to suffer permanent hearing loss over a little misunderstanding!

I agree! Five said. You're a genius!

Thank you! Vision thought. Thank you for finally acknowledging my brilliance!

I'm sorry I ever doubted you! Five said. 

From now on we're a team! Vision said. Let's get re-married!

I accept! Five said. Marry me tenfold!

I'll never divorce you again! Vision said. 

"What the fuck," Allison said, when they landed in the park. 

"I'm so sorry," Vision said. "I have no idea what I did wrong!"

"Shit," Allison said. 

"Please explain it to me!" Vision said. "So that I can correct my behavior, yes? If you give me clear instructions, I promise to behave myself!"

"Fuck!" Allison said. 

"Shit," Vision said. "Sorry, did I freak you out? I didn't mean to shout at you."

"No sir!" Allison said. 

"No?" Vision said. "Um, I clearly committed some kind of crime-"

"No, you didn't!" Allison said. "It's just that Vanya is insecure!"

"What?" Vision said. 

"Fuck me," Allison said. "Um... I have no idea how to say this tactfully!"

"Just speak plainly, woman!" Vision said. 

"Vanya is jealous of me!" Allison said. "She thinks you love me more than you love her!"

"What the fuck!" Vision said. "That is completly false!"

"I fucking know that!" Allison said. "But Vanya has jealousy issues!"

"Why didn't anyone fucking tell me?!" Vision said. 

"Because you have guilt issues!" Allison screamed. 

Vision stared at her. 

"It's not your fucking fault," Allison said, more calmly. "Please don't fucking blame yourself!"

Holy shit, Five said. These fucking kids. God damn. 

"Um," Vision said. "I see what you're saying."

"Do you?" Allison said. "Do you actually see what I'm fucking saying?"

Vision frowned. 

I'm so confused! Five said. What the hell does she want us to say?!

"Um... okay, please don't panic," Vision said. 

These words were clearly the wrong ones, because Allison began to cry. 

"Fuck!" Vision said. 

"Don't you dare rewind me!" Allison shouted. "I'll hate myself if you rewind!"

"What?" Vision said. 

"Fuck," Allison said. "I'm sorry for crying! Please forgive me!"

"I forgive you," Vision said, quickly. "I forgive you and I love you more than Apollo loves Artemis."

Allison began crying even more dramatically, at these words. 

Comfort her! Five demanded. 

"Would you like a hug?" Vision said. 

"Yes, please!" Allison said. "But please don't force yourself!"

"What?" Vision said.

Just hug her! Five shouted. 

Vision did so, with enthusiasm. 

And he and Allison clung to each other.

For some reason, Vision began to cry as well. 

It's allowed! Five said. Cry as much as you want! It's a good thing!

It is? Vision said. 

Fucking yes, Five said. It's cathartic or whatever. But don't forget about Vanya!

"Fuck," Vision said. "Requesting instructions!"

"Understood!" Allison said. "Ask!"

"What should we do about Vanya?" Vision said. "I want to help her, but she's confusing the hell out of me!"

"I feel exactly the same!" Allison said. "I have no idea how to help her!"

"Fuck!" Vision yelled. 

"I'm so sorry!" Allison sobbed. "I'm such a bad sister!"

"No you fucking aren't!" Vision screamed. "I'm the one that's a bad brother!"

"No you fucking aren't!" Allison cried.

"Shit," Vision said. "There's no winning!"

"Fuck!" Allison said, emphatically. 

"I don't know what to fucking do, Allison!" Vision said. 

"Me neither!" Allison said. "I'm as lost and confused as a fucking child, sir!"

"God fucking dammit!" Vision said. "We need an adult!"

Me too! Five said. I need an adult too!

"Wait!" Allison said. "I have an idea!"

"Lay it on me!"

"Therapy!"

"Holy shit!" Vision said. "I need to cancel my vacation and go the fuck back to therapy!"

"Yes!" Allison screamed. "Please go back to therapy!"

"I will do so post haste!" Vision said. "I apologize for neglecting my duties!"

"Fucking hell!" Allison said. "I apologize too and I forgive you ten fold!"

"THANK YOU!" Vision shouted. 

Then they gave up on talking and just tried their best to calm down. They sat down together on a park bench and continued to cuddle and cry like two scared little kids. 

They didn't call Vanya. They didn't go back to the apartment. 

Time went by. 

Eventually, Luther called. 

"Um," Luther said. "Vanya texted me and asked me to tell you that... uh, that she decided to get on a plane back to New York?"

"I apologize!" Vision said.

"Huh?" Luther said. 

"I didn't mean to upset her!"

"Wait!" Allison said. "Give me your phone!"

"But I can't neglect Luther!" Vision said. 

"Let me talk to him on your behalf!"

"Oh," Vision said. "Is that allowed?"

"Fucking yes," Allison said. 

"Thank god," Vision said. "Luther, I apologize, but I'm giving my cellphone to Allison."

"That's okay," Luther said. "Um, I forgive you?"

"Thank you!" Vision said. Then he gave the phone to Allison. 

Get the fuck out of here! Five said. I need to go to the planitarium!

"Um, requesting permission to go to the planitarium?"

"Granted," Allison said. "Godspeed."

Hesitantly, Vision leaned towards her. 

Allison stared at him with wide eyes. 

Ask her for fucking consent! Five shrieked. 

"Apologies," Vision said. "Permission to give you a kiss on the cheek before I depart?"

"Granted!" Allison said, grinning widely. 

Vision gave her a kiss on the cheek. 

She giggled. 

Luther said something, but Vision couldn't hear it because the phone was no longer in his hands. 

"Oh my goodness," Vision said. "We accidentally ignored Luther!"

"It's okay!" Allison said. "He's a big boy!"

"You're absolutely correct," Vision said. "I'm sorry I doubted his ego strength!"

"Forgiven," Allison said. "Are you still going to the planitarium?"

"Yes," Vision said. 

Actually, Five said. I think I'd prefer the library.

"Actually," Vision said. "Is the library alright?"

"Of course," Allison said. "Um, have a good day, sir."

Vision smiled at her. "Likewise, Allison. Um, enjoy the rest of your day... and I'll see you this evening?"

"Of course!" Allison said. "We shall have a wonderful little dinner date, together."

"Excellent!" Vision said. "A resturant, do you think?"

"Great idea!" Allison said. "Do you have a request?"

"Um, no," Vision said. "I'll eat absolutely anywhere. Wherever you want to eat."

Allison frowned. 

"But if you're having difficulty choosing," Vision said, quickly. "Um, I enjoy Olive Garden."

"Me too!" Allison said. "It's my favorite resturant!"

She's fucking lying, Five said. 

"Ah, I see," Vision said. "But... um, I also like... uh... McDonalds."

"Oh," Allison said. "Should we go to McDonalds?"

Just say yes! Five said. 

"Yes," Vision said. "Um, but I apologize... I understand that McDonalds isn't good for... um, for special occasions." 

"No need to fret," Allison said. "This is not a special occasion."

"You're absolutely right!" Vision said. 

Perhaps he said it a little too enthusiastically. 

Allison began to cry, again. 

"I'm so sorry," Vision said. "Did I step on a bomb?"

"No," Allison sniffed. "I'm just, um, I'm a little... um, Vanya accidentally scared me."

"Me too!" Vision said. "There's no need to feel ashamed! Um, fear is a natural response to, um, to... uh."

"To a Code Blue," Allison said, nodding decisively.

"Exactly," Vision said. "You understand, of course."

"Of course!" Allison said. "I understand you perfectly, Five."

Vision winced. 

Don't you dare correct her! Five said. 

"Oh dear," Allison said. "Um... did I step on a bomb?"

"No ma'am," Vision said. "You absolutely did no such thing."

They could hear Luther's voice coming out of the phone and Vision felt himself beginning to panic, "We're ignoring Luther!"

"Fuck him!" Allison shouted. "I'm going to hang up on him!"

"You can't do that!" Vision said. "He'll cry if you do that!"

"No he won't!" Allison said. "He's a big fucking boy, Five!"

"I know!" Vision said. "I didn't mean to call him immature!"

TELEPORT OUT OF HERE! Five screamed at him.

Vision did as he was told. 

He landed in Allison's apartment. 

The place had been completely destroyed by Vanya's Code Blue. 

"Fuck," Vision said. 

It's okay! Five said. We're rich! We'll buy Allison new stuff!

"But this is going to upset her!" Vision said. "She's going to cry!"

It's allowed! Five said. 

"But I don't want her to be sad!" Vision said. "I don't want her to cry!"

There's nothing you can do! Five said. 

"There has to be a way to solve this!" Vision said. 

She already told you! Five said. You have to go back to therapy like a good fucking boy!

"A-alright!" Vision said. "I'll g-go back to therapy!"

And get a hold of yourself! Five said. If they catch you stuttering like Diego they're going to Code Blue!

"Th-they will?" Vision said. "Are you..."

Vision cleared his throat.

"Are you... are you absolutely certain that my stuttering will trigger Code Blue?"

YES! Five said. YOU HAVE TO PRETEND TO BE CALM!

"U-understood!"

No more stuttering!

"F-fuck."

Shit, Five said. I apologize. It's my fault, isn't it?

"N-no!"

FUCK.

"D-don't panic," Vision said. "You make me worse when you panic!"

I apologize! Five said. Please forgive me!

"Forgiven!"

Holy shit, Five said. Where the fuck is that silly therapist?

"I forgot his phone number!" Vision said. "How the hell do I consult him when I don't remember his phone number!"

Calm down!

"I am calm!"

Shit, Five said. Okay, hold on. Let's think this through. 

"Holding on," Vision said, as calmly as possible. 

When Allison returns, Five said. You will politely request her assistance. 

"But she's going to be busy with her own sadness!" Vision said. "I can't bother her with my panic while she's busy with her sadness!"

Fuck, Five said. You're absolutely right!

"We're stuck between a rock and a hard place!" Vision shrieked. 

HOLD ON! Five said. We can consult someone else!

"You're a genius!"

We'll just call Klaus!

"Genius!" Vision said. 

Call him right fucking now! Five said. 

"We left our phone with Allison!" Vision said. 

FUCK.

"Hold on!" Vision said. "When she returns we will calmly and politely ask her to give us our phone back."

Okay, Five said. That's a good idea. 

"Thank fucking Christ," Vision said. "Now that we finally have a plan... oh."

Vanya chose that moment to open the door to the room she'd been hiding in. 

"I apologize for lying to you," Vanya said, quietly. "And I apologize for... um, for accidentally making a mess with my super powers."

Vision blinked at her. 

"Um," Vanya said. "I want you to know that I medicated myself. And I... um, I no longer am capable of... of using my super powers. So you don't have to be afraid of me exploding."

Thank fucking Christ! Five said. 

"Oh," Vision said. "I see."

"Can I ask you for a favor?" Vanya said. 

"Of course," Vision said. 

"Can you move out of here?" Vanya said. "Please?"

Vision frowned at her, "Huh?"

"Um, this is not a demand," Vanya said. "But... um... I'm worried."

What the hell is she talking about? Five said. 

"Alright?" Vision said. "I apologize for worrying you."

Vanya shook her head. "It's not you."

"It's not?"

"No!" Vanya said. "It's Allison."

Vision tilted his head, "Oh?"

"Um, this is just a theory," Vanya said. "And you're allowed to disagree."

"Okay?" Vision said. 

"Um, but I am worried that Allison is abusing you."

WHAT?! Five shrieked. 

Vision winced. 

"Please don't be afraid of me," Vanya said. "I'm sorry for frightening you with my super powers."

"Huh?" Vision said. 

What the hell is this silly girl saying? Five said. 

"Please," Vanya said. "We have to act quickly!"

"What?" Vision said. 

"We don't have a lot of time!" Vanya said. "We have to leave before Allison gets back!"

"Is that... um... a request?"

"Fucking yes!" Vanya said. "I'm absolutely terrified and I need your help, Five!"

Just agree to her demands! Five said. 

"Alright!" Vision said. "Where do you want to go, hmm? I'll teleport you absolutely anywhere!"

"Anywhere but New York!" Vanya said. 

"Understood!" Vision said. "How does Cleveland sound?"

"Acceptable!" Vanya said. "Hurry!"

So Vision hesitantly held out his left hand. 

Vanya took it. 

And then he teleported her to fucking Cleveland Ohio. 

This is queer, Five said. But I think we need to promote Vanya. 

How do you mean? Vision said. 

Remember what Allison said? Five said. Vanya has gotten jealous of her siblings. 

Oh, Vision said. I see what you're saying. 

So just treat Vanya with favortism, Five said. 

I thought we weren't allowed to play favorites! Vision said. 

Throw that rule out! Five said. You need to spoil the hell out of Vanya, sir!

Understood, sir!

With that decided.... there was a new rule in place. 

It was like Simon says. 

But instead of Simon, it was Vee. 

Whatever Vee says. Whatever Vee wants. Whatever Vee needs. 

I'll do my best! Vision said. 

Good fucking boy, Five said. But can you please get out of the figurative driver's seat? You're bad at your job. 

I'm so sorry, sir! Vision said. I would if I could!

Fuck, Five said. 

I already told you, Vision said. But I'll go ahead and repeat myself. 

Ugh, Five said. 

I have no fucking control over it! Vision said. We switch at random!

I fucking know that! Five said. But I thought you were lying to me!

I fucking know that! Vision said. But I need you to believe me!

Ugh, Five said. I hear you. 

Thank you!

"Five?" Vanya said. "Um, how are you feeling?"

"I'm alright," Vision said. "Yourself?"

"I'm wonderful, of course," Vanya said. "Um, do you want to go see a movie?"

"Of course," Vision said. "What movie would you like to see?"

"Um," Vanya said. "Can you pick for me?"

Pick something cute or funny or light hearted! Five demanded. 

"Got it," Vision said. "We shall consult the, um, the internet and see what's playing?"

"Good idea!" Vanya said. "Um, I know Allison stole your phone, so um, you can go ahead and use mine."

"Huh?" Vision said. "She didn't steal-"

Don't quibble over semantics! Five shrieked. 

"Um, thank you," Vision said. "For allowing me to use your cellphone, I should say."

Vanya winced. 

You fucked up! Five said. 

"I apolo-"

"No, no," Vanya said. "I just... um, is it okay if I look it up myself? The, um, the website for the movie show times?"

"Oh," Vision said, relieved. "Please, go right ahead."

"Understood," Vanya said. "Don't worry, okay? I love you unconditionally."

"I feel exactly the same," Vision said. "I love you to the moon and back!"

Vanya giggled. 

Nailed it! Five said. Good job, sir!

Vision grinned at her. 

Vanya took a deep breath, then said, "Actually... um... I changed my mind."

"Is that so?"

"Yes," Vanya said. "And, um, I hope this isn't confusing... but... um... fuck."

Tell her she can take her time! Five said. 

"Take your time, dear," Vision said. 

Vanya smiled. "Thank you."

"You're very welcome," Vision said. "You're my-"

WAIT! Five said. DON'T YOU DARE CALL HER YOUR FAVORITE!

Vision closed his eyes and tried not to visibly show any signs of discomfort. 

Fuck, Five said. I didn't mean to shout! I'm so sorry!

"May I give you a hug?" Vanya said. 

Yes! Five said. Say yes!

"Yes," Vision murmured. 

Vanya did so. She also ran her fingers through his hair, gently brushing the bangs off his forehead. 

It felt wonderful and Vision sighed in relief. 

Holy shit! Five said. I figured it out!

What did you figure out? Vision said.

Vanya is trying to spoil you like a little kid! Five said. 

What? Vision said. 

She's trying to baby the fuck out of you! Five said. 

What? Vision said. 

"Um, Five? Are you... do you want to get something to eat?" Vanya said. "Only if you want to. If not... um, maybe we could look for a planitarium? Or an aquarium?"

Stay calm! Five said. Stay fucking calm!

I am calm! Vision said. You're the one that's panicking!

"Five?"

"Give me a second," Vision said. "I apologize... but... fuck."

"Understood," Vanya said, gently. 

I have an idea! Five said. It's a stroke of genius!

Fucking tell me! Vision said, urgently. 

We have to pretend to be in distress! Five said. And then we have to pretend that we need her to comfort us, so she'll allow us to comfort her!

"What?!" Vision said. 

Don't talk out loud, you little idiot!

"Fuck," Vision said. 

"It's okay," Vanya said. "Please, um. Please just... can you... um."

"Fuck," Vision repeated, emphatically. 

Five had disappeared. 

"Tell me what you need?" Vanya said. "I'll do my best, but you need to make an effort to communicate with me."

"Ah," Vision said. "I see what happened."

Five is a fucking genius, Vision decided. From now on I'll do whatever he tells me to do!

"Um," Vision said. "May I request... that we... um, get a hotel?"

"A hotel?" Vanya said, eyes widening.

"I'm not trying to be a pervert," Vision said, quickly. "I'm so sorry!"

"Hold on!" Vanya said. "I never called you a pervert!"

"Shit," Vision said. 

"Um," Vanya said. "Is this... are you asking for cuddles?"

"Fucking yes!" Vision said. "But we're in public!"

"I get it!" Vanya said. "We'll get a hotel!"

"Thank you!" Vision said, throwing his hands up in the air. 

"Um, I'm so sorry for... uh, did I accidentally, um, look judgemental?" Vanya said. 

"Huh?" Vision said. 

"Um," Vanya said. "Maybe we should table that conversation for later."

Vision stared at her, confused. 

"Sorry," Vanya said. 

"No worries," Vision said. "Um... we can discuss whatever you would like to discuss. Um, whenever you would like to discuss it?"

Vanya sighed. 

"I apologize," Vision said. 

"No, no," Vanya said. "I just... um, today has been a difficult day?"

"I agree!" Vision said. "I'm so sorry!"

"It's not your fault," Vanya said. "If anything, it's my fault!"

"It certainly is not!" Vision said. 

"Fuck," Vanya said. "Fine! It's Allison's fault!"

Vision frowned. 

"Fuck me!" Vanya said. "I'm so sorry! I'll stop blaming Allison, I swear! Please don't teleport!"

"Understood!" Vision said. "I'll never leave you again!"

"THANK YOU!" Vanya shouted. 

This attracted attention from a couple who were walking their dog nearby. They stared at Vision and Vanya as if they were witnessing domestic abuse. 

"Shit!" Vision said. "Can we go somewhere else? Teleportation, but I'll bring you with me, I swear I will!"

"Yes!" Vanya said, throwing her hands up in the air.

So Vision teleported them to a random location. They landed in California, but nowhere near Allison's apartment. It was a park, but not the park near her apartment. 

"Fuck!" Vanya said. "We can't hang out in public! It isn't safe!"

"Understood!" Vision said. "Your apartment should be safe!"

"But paradox psychosis!" Vanya said. 

"As long as Baby Five doesn't go anywhere near your apartment, it'll be fine!" Vision said. 

"He's there right fucking now with Ben!" Vanya said. "I told him and Ben that they could hang out there whenever they want and they've been there every since!"

"Fuck!" Vision said, emphatically. 

"It's okay!" Vanya said. "We can go to the Academy!"

"But it's statistically probable that Baby Five might be there today!" Vision screamed. 

"I'll call him and ask him where he is!" Vanya shouted. 

People were staring at them. There were more people this time. Dog walkers, joggers, children. And this time they weren't moving on with their business like the people in New York would have done.

I hate California! Vision thought. 

"No time!" Vision said. "I'm going to teleport us to a hotel!"

"Understood!" Vanya said. "Go right ahead, sir!"

So Vision teleported his sister to a hotel, like a fucking pervert. 

Vanya paid for the room and once they were safely inside a room, they carefully got into the queen sized bed.

For some reason, Vision was trembling like a baby kitten that had gotten too cold in the winter. 

But it wasn't winter!

"It's okay," Vanya whispered. "You don't have to say anything. Let's just take a nap, yeah?"

Vision hugged her tightly. 

Déjà vu, he thought. 

"I love you more than Artemis loves Apollo," Vanya said. 

"I love you more than God loves Jesus!" Vision said, explosively. 

Vanya giggled and said, "I love you even more than that."

Vision chuckled and said, "But I love you the most."

Vanya laughed and it was a wonderful sound. 

He was so fucking relieved to hear it!

"I love you the most-est," Vanya said. 

Vision giggled. 

"So let's just... let's just take a little vacation," Vanya said. "Just you and me, yeah? Does that sound good?"

"It sounds amazing," Vision said. "It sounds wonderful."

"Good," Vanya said. "We don't have to worry about anything at all."

"But what about our family?" Vision said. "Won't they panic?"

"I'll text them," Vanya said. "I'll tell them you're taking a vacation."

"Is that allowed?"

"Yes, Five! It's allowed!"

Vision sighed. 

"Sorry," Vanya said. "Um, I didn't mean to lose my temper."

"Okay," Vision said. 

"Um," Vanya said. "I... I think I have anger management problems?"

"I see," Vision said. 

"I'm so sorry," Vanya said. 

"I forgive you," Vision said. He gave her a squeeze. 

Vanya sighed.

"Can I tell you a story?" Vision said. "Please?" 

"Of course." 

"There was this woman," Vision said. "I can't pronounce her name because it's Chinese, but she's basically Mulan, okay?" 

"Got it," Vanya said. 

"And she was living in a fucking hellhole," Vision said. "She was dirt poor, you get me?" 

"I hear you," Vanya said. 

"Ugh," Vision said. "That means I lost you." 

"No," Vanya said. "It means... um, it means I'm processing." 

"I see," Vision said. "You are... absorbing the information... for later analysis?" 

Vanya grinned. "Exactly!" 

"Wonderful," Vision said. "Okay, so Mulan joined the circus." 

"Okay," Vanya said. "Heard." 

Vision chuckled. "Motherfucking eureka! I finally figured out how to talk to you!" 

Vanya giggled. 

"Aaaw," Vision said. "You're so cute. Fuck! Digression, hold on." 

"Holding on," Vanya said. 

Vision let go of her and sat up. Then he covered his face with his hands. 

"You okay?" Vanya said, sitting up as well.

He wanted to get off the bed. It was giving him a heart attack, laying down in a bed with his sister.

I'm such an incestuous pervert! Vision thought. 

No you fucking aren't, Five said. 

Thank Christ! Vision thought. How dare you abandon me in the middle of a crisis!

Apologies, Five said. 

"Five?" Vanya said. "Um, do you need my help?"

"Yes," Vision said. "Oh my. I am struggling to contain my... um, my over excitement." 

"You can be as excited as you want?" Vanya said. 

"No, no," Vision said. "I musn't disgrace myself. Wow. Fuck. I sound like Grace. Goddamn. I'm sorry." 

"Why are you sorry?" Vanya said. 

"Because I know you hate that," Vision said. "Gimme a sec, let me figure out my language." 

Don't talk like Klaus! Five said. She hates that even more than when you talk like Grace!

"Um... can I ask you a question?" Vanya said. 

"Sure," Vision said. 

"I know you hate it when I ask," Vanya said.  "But... it looks like your personality changed?" 

"Good lord," Vision said. "I'm so sorry for losing my temper with you when you would ask... before. I see now that I was being unreasonable." 

"Oh," Vanya said. "Um... thank you." 

"Don't thank me," Vision said. "Allow me to apologize?" 

"Forgiven," Vanya said. 

"Ugh," Vision said. "No. That didn't count." 

"It didn't?" 

"You said it doesn't count," Vision said, sternly. "You said saying 'I want to apologize' isn't an official apology!" 

"Oh," Vanya said. "Um... I changed my mind?" 

"Fuck that," Vision said. "Fuck! I'm sorry!" 

"It's okay," Vanya said. "I'm sorry too." 

"No!" Vision said. "Don't apologize!" 

"So- um...oops," Vanya said. "I, uh, I didn't mean to trigger you?" 

"Ugh," Vision said. "Whatever." 

"So can I ask... who am I talking to?" 

"I'm Vision," Vision said. 

"I see," Vanya said. "Allison said you, um, you used to call yourself Dolores?" 

"Yeah," Vision said. "But Five gave me a new name. My new name is Vision. This is a strict rule, alright?" 

"Okay," Vanya said. "I'll call you Vision." 

"Thank you," Vision said. "Anyway… can I continue the story?" 

"Right," Vanya said. "You said… Mulan joined the circus?" 

"You know what?" Vision said. "Forget historical accuracy. You've seen Mulan, right?" 

"Yeah, I have," Vanya said. "The Disney movie." 

"Excellent," Vision said. "So I'm Mulan, but the inverse." 

"The inverse?" 

"The opposite," Vision said. "Inside out. Inverted." 

"Oh," Vanya said. "So… you're a male to female-" 

"No," Vision said. "Mulan isn't transgender." 

"A lot of people think she is?" Vanya said. 

This political correctness bullshit again?! Five said. Why the hell is this silly girl so obsessed with politics?!

I wish I knew! Vision said.

"Those people are stupid," Vision said. "They missed the fucking point of the fucking movie." 

"I don't want to be mean," Vanya said. "But… um… you can't say that? It's, uh, it's about interpretation and a lot of people in the transgender community have decided-" 

"Fuck them," Vision said. "Do you see those people in the room with us today?" 

"I want to help you," Vanya said. "And I understand why you are the way you are, but you need to learn to be more tactful." 

"Why should I?" Vision said. 

Fuck this, Five said. I'm leaving!

I want to leave too! Vision said. You can't leave without me!

I can and I will! Five said.

"Wait," Vanya said. "Hold on."

Vision got off the bed. He carefully walked away, but stayed inside the hotel room.  

"Why do I need to be tactful?" Vision said. "Why do you care about those people so much? They aren't even here." 

"Because I care about you," Vanya said. "I want to help you learn how to integrate with… um… society?" 

"Who gives a damn?" Vision said. "Those people don't matter." 

"They do," Vanya insisted. "You've been given a second chance! You look like a kid, so you can grow up and go to college and-" 

"Shut up," Vision said. "This is hopeless." 

"What?" Vanya said. "Why is it hopeless?" 

"I've decided," Vision said. "that I won't engage with this nonsense." 

"Wait!" Vanya said. "Don't teleport!" 

Vision crossed his arms together. "I will teleport." 

"Give me a second chance?" Vanya said. "Please?" 

"Fine," Vision said. "Round two. Fight." 

"Fight?" Vanya said. "I don't want to fight." 

"Every conversation is a fight," Vision said. "But this time? I'm taking the motherfucking moral high ground." 

"You are?" 

"Yes, I am!" Vision said. "So fuck you. Behave yourself." 

"Oh," Vanya said. "Um… that sounds kind of unfair?" 

"Tough shit," Vision said. "Life is unfair. Deal or I teleport." 

"Okay," Vanya said. "I'll deal." 

"Thank you!" Vision said. "God fucking damn it. I was in such a good mood. You had to go and ruin it, huh?" 

"Sorry," Vanya said. "I didn't mean to do that." 

"I used to be confused," Vision said. "I didn't understand why Five was so annoyed with you. Now I get it." 

"I'm sorry," Vanya said. "I know everyone is tired of my nagging, but-" 

"No buts," Vision said. "We're not just tired, Vanya. We're fucking exhausted." 

"I care about you!" Vanya said. 

"And I love you more than God loves the fucking universe," Vision said. "But it doesn't matter." 

"What do you mean?" Vanya said. "I love you too! I love you, um, I love you as much as-" 

"Shut up," Vision said. "I want to chop my own head off." 

Vanya winced. "Please, don't say that." 

"I'm not like Five," Vision said. "I won't let you scare me into silence." 

"Scare you?" Vanya said. 

"Ugh," Vision said. "Nevermind." 

"Please," Vanya said. "I don't want to scare you!" 

"Dial it back," Vision said. 

"Shut up!" Vanya shouted. 

The windows broke. The lightbulbs broke. Everything fragile, everything glass… broke. 

Vision straightened up and glared at the ceiling, but didn't react otherwise. 

Vanya covered her mouth with her hands. 

Vision huffed. "Done?" 

"I'm so… I'm so sorry," Vanya said. 

"Forgiven," Vision said. "Anyway-" 

"Wait," Vanya said. "Th-that's it?" 

Vision walked as far away from Vanya as he was physically cable of without leaving the room. He stood at the hotel door and she remained sitting on the bed. She was holding herself very still. 

She needs more medication! Five said.

Can we teleport? Vision asked.

Wait! We need to figure out how to politely excuse ourselves! Five said. 

"Five," Vanya said. "Sorry... I mean... Vision."

"Shut up," Vision said. 

"It was an accident," Vanya said, as calmly as possible. 

"It always is," Vision said. 

"I'll do better," Vanya said. "I... um, I have anger management issues."

"Tell me something I don't know," Vision said. "But you know what? I have nothing to feel guilty about."

Vanya's eyes widened. 

"Do you disagree?" Vision said. 

"I don't!" Vanya said. "I didn't mean to give you a guilt complex!"

Vision groaned. 

"It's all my fault," Vanya said. "I... um, I was trying to help you. But... um, I want to recognize that my help... was not... helpful?"

"Like Allison," Vision said. 

Vanya winced. She began to carefully cry. Calmly. Just like fucking Allison.

"Don't even try to argue with me," Vision said. "The two of you are exactly the same."

Vanya opened her mouth... and then closed it. 

"Look," Vision said. "Sometimes... love isn't enough."

You can't say that! Five shrieked.

Shut up! Vision snapped. Let me fucking speak our fucking mind!

I hate you! Five screamed. 

"What?" Vanya said. "What do you mean?"

"I mean what I say!" Vision said. "I'm speaking in plain fucking English, you silly girl."

Vanya began to sob. Her tears were loud and ugly, and she flickered with blue light. 

But she didn't explode. 

Vision sighed. 

Vanya looked down and used her hair to hide her face. 

"Do you want me to leave?" Vision said.

"Please, don't," Vanya said. "Please... just... please."

"Please what?" Vision said. "What do you even want from me?"

"I want you to be happy!" Vanya said. 

"That's not fucking possible," Vision said. 

"Why is it so impossible?" Vanya said. "You... why... fuck."

"Because my family is full of lunatics!" Vision said. "You idiots are torturing me with your idiocy!"

"I'm so fucking sorry!" Vanya said. "Please take me with you!"

"I beg your fucking pardon?"

"We can run away," Vanya said, urgently. "Just you and me! Please, let me go with you this time!"

Holy shit! Five said. Tell her no! Tell her she's a bad girl!

"No," Vision said. "I'm going alone."

"Wait!" Vanya said. "Take my cellphone with you!"

"No!" Vision said. 

Code Blue. 

Vanya destroyed the hotel room. 

Five fixed it. He fixed the room and then he got the hell out of there. 

"We're the fucking problem, Vision!" Five said. "We're the ones who are torturing them!"

I disagree! Vision said. It's them! It's totally them!

"It's not their fault!" Five said. "They've been traumatized!"

Now they're infecting us with their fucking trauma! Vision said. We can't help them, we have to run away from home!

"We'll traumatize them if we fucking do that!" Five shouted. "We aren't allowed to run away from home anymore!"

THROW THAT RULE OUT! Vision screamed. We're grown fucking men! Time to go to fucking college!

"What an excellent loop hole!" Five yelled. "You're a genius, sir!"

THANK YOU!

"Fuck!" Five said, emphatically. "What university should we run to?"

I don't fucking care! Vision said. 

"I'll pick at random!" Five said. "Um, Iowa?"

I concur! Vision said. 

So Five teleported to the Iowa Writer's Workshop. It was something Ben had been talking about. He'd been wanting to go there, but was afraid the rest of the family would get mad at him for leaving them. 

"Holy fucking fudge nuggets," Five said. "What should we do now, Batman?"

Vision giggled and said, I don't know Robin. I don't think we're qualified to attend this university.

"Fuck that," Five said. "I'm a genius! Of course I'm qualified!"

You aren't a writer, you silly man, Vision said. You're a scientist. 

"I'm sure they have a science department as well," Five said. "We can... oh, I don't know. Audit a lecture?"

Genius!

"Eureka," Five said. "Now shush. I don't want to look like a lunatic in front of the students."

Too late, Vision said. Look around you, man!

Indeed, there were already students staring at Five as if he were a lunatic. 

"Fuck me sideways," Five said. 

"Are you alright?" A woman said. 

Five couldn't identify her age. Her hair was pink. 

"Of course I'm alright, young lady," Five said. "But... um, I apologize for my outburst."

"Um," she said. "You... you... you have super powers?"

Five frowned at her and said, "Yes, what of it?"

"That's so fucking cool!" a young man behind her said. "You can teleport? That's amazing!"

Holy shit, Vision said. Fanboys.

Five grinned and thought, Oh? What does that mean?

"Sorry," the woman said. "Um, did you come here for a reason?"

"Certainly," Five said. "I am looking for the science department."

"Oh my god!" the man said. "I'll take you there! Come this way!"

"Whoa," the woman said. "Wait a second."

More people were gathering around them. 

This is clausterphobic! Vision said. 

Don't panic, Five thought. 

He teleported a little to the left, so that he was no longer surrounded by the growing crowd of students. 

"Wait!" the young man said. "I'll help you find the science department!"

"He's a child!" the woman said. "You can't take advantage of him like that!"

Oh dear, Vision said. We need to go to a different university.

Is that so? Five said. Maybe we should give them more time to collect themselves before we relocate?

Ugh, Vision said. But I hate them!

Hold your horses, Five thought. 

The pink haired woman was bickering with the other man, but Five decided they didn't matter. 

There was another boy, he looked younger. He was blond and he had glasses. 

"Excuse me," Five said. "Can you assist me, sir? I seem to have gotten... a little lost."

"Oh!" the man in glasses said. "Me?"

"Yes," Five said. "Can you help me find the science department?"

The boy looked uncomfortable, "Um..."

"Not to worry," Five said. "If you don't have the time, I can ask someone else for assistance."

"Me!" the man from earlier said, urgently. "I'll help you!"

The pink haired woman tried to say something, but he shushed her. 

"Did you get permission from your parents?" the man said. "Um, we have a form that you can give them to sign!"

What nonsense is he spouting? Vision said. 

Shush, Five thought. Let me do the talking, you socially awkward little thing. 

"I did, indeed, get permission," Five said. "I have the authority to seek... um... a scientist."

"Awesome!" The man said. "That's great, come with me!"

"Wait!" the pink haired woman said. "He has to bring his parents with him!"

Five sighed. 

"Okay!" The man said. "Fuck!"

"Don't be such a potty mouth," Five said. "You'll make your lady friend uncomfortable."

They stared at Five as if he'd grown a second head. 

Fuck you! Vision said. Pick a different university!

Ugh, Five thought. Fucking fine!

So Five teleported to a different university. But no matter where he went, it was more of the same.

Fuck the school system! Vision screamed. Let's just go home!

Fucking fine! Five said. 

When he arrived at Allison's apartment he found Vanya and Allison engaged in... a hug. They sprang apart as if he'd just caught them copulating. 

"Terribly sorry," Five said. "I didn't mean to interupt your... um, comfort."

"Wait!" They both shouted. 

But Five teleported to New York. 

"I've decided I cannot stand California," Five told Luther. "Therefore... Baby Five must switch places with me."

"Oh?" Luther said. "Um... I don't think Baby Five will be happy about that?"

"Hmm," Five said. "This is indeed a problem."

"I'm sorry!" Luther said. "Please don't teleport!"

"What?"

"Please!" Luther said. "Hold on! Wait! Um, code blue!"

"WHAT?!"

"I need your help!" Luther said. "Please!"

"Jesus fucking christ," Five said. "You're too old to behave this way!"

"I'm so sorry sir!" Luther said.

Luther started crying!

"Ask Diego for help!" Five said. "If he can't help you, ask Klaus!"

"Wait!" Luther said. "Don't leave!"

"I have no choice!" Five said. "I can't with this!"

"WAIT!" Diego shouted. He came running at them from the second floor. He ran down the stairs so quickly that he tripped and fell.

GET OUT OF HERE! Vision screamed.

So Five teleported to Cleveland Ohio. 

"My goodness," Five said. "We're running in circles!"

I agree! Vision said. What should we do, sir?!

"I have no fucking clue!" Five said. "We need an adult!"

We don't have any adults that we can trust! Vision screamed. 

"FUCK!" Five shouted. 

"Are you alright?!" A young man said. He was clearly on his way to a gym, wearing shorts and a tank top. 

Get out of here! Vision said. 

So Five teleported. 

He kept teleporting until he ran out of energy.

And then he passed out.